A police officer pulled over a roughneck (an oilfield worker) over for speeding.

Officer: May I see your driver's license?

Roughneck: I don't have one - I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.

Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?

Roughneck: It's not my bike. I stole it.

Officer: The motorcycle is stolen?

Roughneck: That's right. But come to think of it, I believe I saw the owner's card in the tool bag when I was putting my gun in there.

Officer: There's a gun in the tool bag??

Roughneck: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the dude who owns this bike. I also stuffed his dope in the saddle bag.

Officer: There's drugs in the saddle bag too?!?!

Roughneck: Yes sir.

Hearing this, the rookie immediately called his captain. The roughneck was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the roughneck to handle the tense situation

Captain: Sir, can I see your license?

Roughneck: Sure! Here it is.

Captain: Who's motorcycle is this?

Roughneck: It's mine, officer. Here's the registration.

Captain: Could you slowly open your tool bag so I can see if there's a gun in it?

Roughneck: Sure sir. But there's no gun in it.

The captain searched his tool bag and, sure enough, there was nothing in the tool bag

Captain: Would you mind opening your saddle bags? I was told you said there's drugs in them.

Roughneck: No problem sir.

The captain searched the saddle bags - no drugs.

Captain: I don't understand it! The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole this motorcycle, had a gun in the tool bag, and that there were drugs in the saddle bags!

Roughneck: Yeah! I'll bet he told you I was speeding too.

Donald Trump, what's 2+2?

I have to say a lot of people have been asking this question. No, really. A lot of people come up to me, and they ask me. They say, 'What's 2+2'? And I tell them, look, we know what 2+2 is. We've had almost eight years of the worst kind of math you can imagine. Oh, my God, I can't believe it. Addition and subtraction of the 1s the 2s and the 3s. It's terrible. It's just terrible. Look, if you want to know what 2+2 is, do you want to know what 2+2 is? I'll tell you. First of all the number 2, by the way, I love the number 2. It's probably my favorite number, no it is my favorite number. You know what, it's probably more like the number two but with a lot of zeros behind it. A lot. If I'm being honest, I mean, if I'm being honest. I like a lot of zeros. Except for Marco Rubio, now he's a zero that I don't like. Though, I probably shouldn't say that. He's a nice guy, but he's like, '10101000101,' on and on, like that. He's like a computer! You know what I mean? He's like a computer. I don't know. I mean, you know. So, we have all these numbers, and we can add them and subtract them and add them. TIMES them even. Did you know that? We can times them OR divide them, they don't tell you that, and I'll tell you, no one is better at the order of operations than me. You wouldn't believe it. So, we're gonna be the best on 2+2, believe me.

God was telling John how the world would end, so he could write it in Revelations.

"So Lord," said John, "the end will be signaled by trumpets?"

"No," said God, "I said Trump/Pence."

"Gotcha, trumpets!"

"No, nevermind," said God, "They'll know."

A store has just opened in New York City that offers free husbands. When women go to choose a husband, they have to follow the instructions at the entrance:

"You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are 6 floors to choose from. You may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you CANNOT go back down except to exit the building!"

So, a woman goes to the store to find a husband. On the 1st floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs

The 2nd floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

The 3rd floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids and are extremely Good Looking.

"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going. She goes to the 4th floor and sign reads: Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.

"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims. "I can hardly stand it!" Still, she goes to the 5th floor and sign reads: Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, help with Housework and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the 6th floor and the Sign reads: Floor 6 - You are visitor 71,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that you are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a Wife Store just across the street.

The 1st first floor has wives that love sex.

The 2nd floor has wives that love sex and have money.

The 3rd through 6th floors have never been visited.

An old Texas Oil Man drove his brand new Corvette out of the dealership...

Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little gray hair he had left

"Amazing!" he thought as he flew down I-20, pushing the pedal even more.

Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a state trooper behind him, lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120.

Suddenly he thought, "What the hell am I doing? I'm too old for this!" and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival.

Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch, and said:

"Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."

The old oil man paused. Then he said, "Years ago my wife ran off with a State trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."

"Have a good day, sir." replied the trooper.

On my first day in prison, my cellmate said to me...

"If you ever come close to me, I'll fucking skin you alive. When we're sleeping, you don't fucking touch me. You hear me? Don't ever talk to me, either."

"Fucking great." I thought, "First day in here and I'm already married."

I bumped into an old school friend today.

He started showing off, talking about his well paid job and expensive sports car.

Then he pulled out a photo of his wife and said, "She's beautiful, isn't she?"

I said, "If you think she's gorgeous, you should see my girlfriend."

He said, "Why? Is she a stunner?"

I said, "No, she's a fucking optician."

An interviewer was asking a farmer about his cows.

"How much milk do these cows give?" asked the interviewer.

"Which one?" responded the farmer. "The black one or the brown one?"

"The brown one" said the interviewer.

"A couple of litres per day", replied the farmer.

"And the black one?" asked the interviewer.

"A couple of litres per day."

The interviewer was a bit flummoxed. "I see," he continued. "Well, what do you give them to eat?"

"Which one? Black or brown?" the farmer asked.

"Black." said the interviewer.

"Well, it eats grass", said the farmer.

"And the other one?" asked the interviewer.

"Grass." said the farmer.

The interviewer had now grown annoyed. "Why do you keep asking which one I mean when the answers are the same?!"

"Because the black one's mine", said the farmer.

"Oh, and the brown one?" asked the interview.

The farmer smiled and said, "It's also mine."

An American walks into a pub in Australia and says "I'll have a bud light."

The bartender replies, "You're an American, aren't you?"

The guy asks, "How did you know, was it the beer or my accent?"

To which the bartender replies "Neither, you're the fattest fuck I've ever seen in my life."

A woman finds out she's been cheated on by her husband. She's devastated and doesn't know how to continue on with her life.

She recalled that she'd heard of a very wise monk who lives at the top of a mountain, so she decides to go there to consult him.

After few days of traveling, walking, climbing, she reaches the top of the mountain and meets the wise monk.

"I spent my whole life with him! Now that he's left me for a younger women, I feel like my life has been stolen, and I'm left with nothing. I don't know what to do."

The monk gives her a cookie and asks her to eat it. After she finishes eating, he asks, "Is the cookie delicious?"

"Yes," she answers.

"Do you want another?" he asks.

"Yes, please."

The monk looks her in the eyes and says, "Do you see the problem now?"

The woman thinks for a while, and then speaks slowly. "I guess human nature is greedy. You get one, then you want more, maybe a new one, a bigger one, but it's never enough... Nothing lasts forever. Everything is impermanent... We should be aware and not disappointed in what we have."

Disappointed, the monk shakes his head. "No, I mean you are too fat, you should eat less."

An angel appears to the head of a Philosophy Department and proclaims, "I'll grant you whichever of three blessings you choose: wisdom, beauty, or ten million dollars."

Immediately, the professor chooses wisdom. There is a flash of lightning, the professor is transformed, but then he just sits there, staring down at the table.

One of his colleagues whispers, "You have great wisdom. Say something!"

The professor looks up and says, "I should have taken the money."

One day an Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walked into a pub together. They each bought a pint of Guinness. Just as they were about to enjoy their creamy beverage, three flies landed in each of their pints, and were stuck in the thick head.

The Englishman pushed his beer away in disgust.

The Scotsman fished the fly out of his beer, and continued drinking it, as if nothing had happened.

The Irishman, too, picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over the beer, and started yelling, "SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT YOU BASTARD!!!!"

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar.

The first mathematician orders a full glass of beer, the second orders half a glass, the third orders a quarter of a glass, and so on.

Finally, getting frustrated, the bartender pours two beers and says, "Whoa, whoa, slow down. You guys need to learn your limits."

An elderly man is stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night.

The man replies, "I am on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body in combination with smoking and staying out late."

The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving such a lecture at this time of night?"

The man replies, "That would be my wife."

A farmer named Clyde had a car accident. In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning Clyde.

"Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'?" asked the lawyer.

Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule, Bessie, into the..."

"I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?"

Clyde said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road...."

The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."

By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Clyde's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule, Bessie."

Clyde thanked the Judge and proceeded. "Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move.

However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her fatal condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.

Then the Patrolman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me and said, 'How are you feeling?'

Now what the fuck would you say?"

A husband and wife go to a restaurant.

The waiter approaches the table to take their order.

"I'll have your biggest, juiciest steak," says the husband.

"But sir, what about the mad cow?" asks the waiter.

"Oh," says the husband, "she'll order for herself."

I was waiting at the bus stop.

A woman said, "How long will the next one be?"

I said, "Probably about thirty feet."

A psychic is buying clothes.

Employee: How about this one?

Psychic: That shirt is too small.

Employee: You didn't even try it on.

Psychic: I'm a medium.

A 60 year old millionaire is getting married and throws a big wedding reception.

His friends are quite jealous and in a quiet moment one of them asks him how did he land such a hot 23 year old beauty?

"Simple," grins the millionaire, "I faked my age."

His friends are really amazed and ask him how much he said.

"Well", he replied. "I said I was 87!"

A man is driving down the road and his car breaks down near a monastery.

He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?"

The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. A sound unlike anything he's ever heard before. The Sirens that nearly seduced Odysseus into crashing his ship comes to his mind. He doesn't sleep that night. He tosses and turns trying to figure out what could possibly be making such a seductive sound. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk." Distraught, the man is forced to leave. Years later, after never being able to forget that sound, the man goes back to the monastery and pleads for the answer again.

The monks reply, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk."

The man says, "If the only way I can find out what is making that beautiful sound is to become a monk, then please, make me a monk."

The monks reply, "You must travel the Earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of grains of sand. When you find these answers, you will have become a monk."

The man sets about his task. After years of searching he returns as a gray- haired old man and knocks on the door of the monastery. A monk answers. He is taken before a gathering of all the monks.

"In my quest to find what makes that beautiful sound, I traveled the Earth and have found what you asked for: By design, the world is in a state of perpetual change. Only God knows what you ask. All a man can know is himself, and only then if he is honest and reflective and willing to strip away self deception."

The monks reply, "Congratulations. You have become a monk. We shall now show you the way to the mystery of the sacred sound." The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, "The sound is beyond that door."

The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man is given the key to the stone door and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. And so it went that he needed keys to doors of emerald, pearl and diamond. Finally, they come to a door made of solid gold. The sound has become very clear and definite. The monks say, "This is the last key to the last door." The man is apprehensive to no end. His life's wish is behind that door! With trembling hands, he unlocks the door, turns the knob, and slowly pushes the door open. Falling to his knees, he is utterly amazed to discover the source of that haunting and seductive sound...

But, of course, I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.

A funeral service is held for a woman who just passed away

As the pallbearers carry the casket out, they accidentally bump into a wall.

They hear a faint moan.

They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive.

She lives for 5 more years and then dies.

They have another funeral for her. At the end of the service, the pallbearers carry out the casket.

As they are walking, the husband cries out, "Watch out for the wall!"

Scientists recently did a study on the effects the right side and left side of a brain had on counting. They first took out the left half of a man's brain and asked him to count to 10.

He says, "2, 4, 6, 8, 10".

They put the left half back in and removed the right half, asking him to count to 10 again.

He says "1, 3, 5, 7, 9".

Finally they decided to just go for it and removed the whole brain. They again asked him to count to 10 one more time.

He says, "Look. I'm great at counting to 10, ok? I love numbers and I have the best numbers. No one has better numbers than I do. My 4th grade math teacher - and let me tell you, she was the best and smartest math teacher in the country at the time - my 4th grade math teacher said to me that I am the best counter she's ever seen. The best. So if you want me to count to 10, let me tell you I can count to 10 alright. That's no problem. I will do it. I will. And I will do it better than any has ever done it before, ok?"

A man came into a shop with a 'Salesman Wanted' sign in a window. He went up to the owner and said, "I-I-I w-w-waannn-t the j- joooob-b."

"I don't know if this job would suit you because of your speaking impediment ," said the owner.

"I h-h-havvve a w-wi-wiiiife and s-s-s-six k- kkkids, iiii-I re-really neeeed thi-thi-this j-j-job!" said the man.

"O.K. Here are three Bibles. Go out and sell them." said the owner.

So the man went out and came back an hour later. "H-here-sss your m-m-money." said the man.

The owner was impressed, so he gave the man a dozen more Bibles and sent him out. The man came back in two hours and said, "Her- ers y-yooour m-m-money."

The owner said, "This is fantastic. You sold more Bibles in three hours than anyone has sold in a week. Tell me, what do you say to the people when they come to the door?"

"W-welllll," said the man, "I r-r-ring the d-door bell, a-a-and s-s-say 'H- Hel-Hello, M-m- maaaaddam, d-d-do you w-w- want t-t t-to buy thi-thi-this B-B-Bible, oooor d-d-do y-you w-w-want m-me t-toooo read it t-t-t-t-to you?"

The Pope and Trump are on stage in front of a huge crowd.

The Pope leans towards Mr. Trump and says, "Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, like that of your followers, but go deep into their hearts, and for the rest of their lives whenever they speak of this day, they will rejoice!"

Trump replied, "I seriously doubt that. With one little wave of your hand? Show me!"

So the Pope slapped him.

An old lady goes to the doctor and says, "I have this problem with frequent gas."

She continues, "Fortunately, the farts never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I've farted at least 10 times since I've been here, and I bet you didn't even notice!"

The doctor says, "I see. Take these pills and come back next week."

The next week the old lady returns. "Doctor," she says, "I don't know what the hell you gave me, but now my silent farts stink like the dickens."

The doctor says, "Good! Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing."

So I was at the bar last night, and the waitress screamed, "Anyone know CPR?!"

I said, "Hell, I know the entire alphabet!"

Everyone laughed hysterically. Except this one guy.

A husband and wife were having dinner at a fancy restaurant.

As the food was served, the husband said, "The Food looks delicious, let's eat."

"Honey..." says the wife, "Aren't you going to say a prayer before eating?"

"That's for home sweetheart. Here the chef knows how to cook."

My dad and I were driving past a cemetery, when suddenly he looked at me and said in a very serious voice, "I know something you don't know about this place."

"What's that?" I asked.

"The people living in this town aren't allowed to be buried in here"

I was really confused, so I asked why.

"Because they are still alive."

I told a girl a joke.

She said, "Don't quit your day job."

I said, "Thanks, I'm a comedian."

An old man was standing in line at the pearly gates of heaven for so long that when he gets to the front, he can't remember his name.

Without a name St. Peter couldn't look the man up in the Big Book, so he called Jesus to help him figure it out.

Jesus says "Tell us about your life, maybe that will jog your memory."

The old man says "Well, I only had one child, a son."

Jesus smiles and says "Heh, I was an only child too. Go on."

The man says "I was a... some kind of wood-worker or carpenter... something like that."

Jesus is like "Huh, another coincidence. Anything else you can remember?"

The man shakes his head a bit and says, "You may not believe this, but my son - he was brought to life through a miracle."

Jesus' jaw drops, he smiles, and tears comes to his eyes. "Father?!?", he asks.

The old man's eyes open wide, "Pinocchio?!?"

A preacher, priest and rabbi walk into a bar. They sit down and have a chat and eventually begin to discuss how they manage their living expenses.

The preacher says "On Sundays we have a collection. At the end of the day, I draw a line on the floor and throw all the money in the air. Whatever lands on the other side of the line is for the church, and whatever lands on my side I keep."

The priest says, "Oh, I do something very similar except I draw a circle. I throw the money in the air, and whatever lands in the circle belongs to the church and whatever lands outside of it I keep."

The rabbi says, "Oh, I do something very similar as well. I take the money and throw it in the air, whatever God wants he takes and whatever falls back down is mine."

An alcoholic wakes up in jail.

He asks the first police officer he sees, "Why am I here?"

"For drinking," replies the officer.

"Great," says the man, "when do we start?"

My boss was honest with me today. He pulled up to work with his new convertible this morning and I complimented him on it. He replied, "Well, if you set goals, work hard, and put in long hours, I can get an even better one next year!"

Three engineers are arguing about what kind of engineer God is.

The mechanical engineer says, "Just look at the muscular system, all the fluid dynamics and joints. God was clearly a mechanical engineer."

To which the electrical engineer says. "No, no, no, just look at the nervous system! The way impulses are sent all over the body and how the brain stores information; God was clearly an electrical engineer."

"I'm sorry guys, God was a civil engineer," says the civil engineer. "No one else would run a waste disposal pipeline right through the entertainment district."

I was at an Ikea this last weekend, wandering around the show room, when I absentmindedly ran into a young guy doing the same thing.

I apologized to him, explaining that I'd been mesmerized by the massive quantity of things and had somehow wandered away from my wife. With my mind preoccupied, I guess I hadn't really been looking where I was going.

He laughed, and explained that he'd lost his wife too. I offered to help him look for his wife if he'd help me look for mine.

The young guy starts telling me what his wife looks like. "Well, she is 24, tall, with blonde hair, blue eyes, long legs, wears a 34DD on days she wears a bra, and is in Daisy Dukes and a white tee today. What about yours?"

I told him, "It doesn't matter. Let's look for yours."

George W. Bush meets with the Queen of England. He asks her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give to me?"

"Well," says the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."

Bush frowns. "But how do I know the people around me are really intelligent?"

The Queen takes a sip of tea. "Oh, that's easy. You just ask them to answer an intelligence riddle." The Queen pushes a button on her intercom. "Please send Tony Blair in here, would you?"

Tony Blair walks into the room. "Yes, Your Majesty?"

The Queen smiles. "Answer me this, please, Tony. Your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?"

Without pausing for a moment, Tony Blair answers, "That would be me."

"Yes! Very good," says the Queen.

Back at the White House, Bush asks to speak with vice president Dick Cheney. "Dick, answer this for me. Your mother and your father have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?"

"I'm not sure," says the vice president. "Let me get back to you on that one."

Dick Cheney goes to his advisors and asks every one, but none can give him an answer. Finally, he ends up in the men's room and recognizes Colin Powell's shoes in the next stall.

Dick shouts, "Colin! Can you answer this for me? Your mother and father have a child and it is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"

Colin Powell yells back, "That's easy. It's me!"

Dick Cheney smiles. "Thanks!"

Cheney goes back to the Oval Office to speak with Bush. "I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle. It's Colin Powell."

Bush gets up, stomps over to Dick Cheney, and angrily yells into his face, "No, you idiot! It's Tony Blair!"

Tom went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.

"You'll get your chance in court," said the Desk Sergeant.

"No, no no!" said Tom. "I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that for years!"

So after landing my new job as a Wal-Mart greeter, a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day.

About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, unattractive, mean looking woman walked into the store with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance. I said pleasantly "Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?"

The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say "Hell no, they ain't twins. The oldest one's 9, and the other ones 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins Are you blind, or stupid?"

So I replied, "I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am. I just can't believe someone fucked you twice. Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart."

My supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work.

The Los Angeles Police Department (LAPD), The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.

The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling, "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"

A large group of Russian soldiers in the border area in 1939 are moving down a road when they hear a voice call from behind a small hill, "One Finnish soldier is better than ten Russian". The Russian commander quickly orders ten of his best men over the hill where a gun-battle breaks out and continues for a few minutes, then silence.

The voice once again calls out, "One Finn is better than one hundred Russians."

Furious, the Russian commander sends his next best 100 troops over the hill and instantly a huge gun fight commences. After ten minutes of battle, again silence.

The calm Finnish voice calls out again, "One Finn is better than one thousand Russians!"

The enraged Russian commander musters 1000 fighters and sends them to the other side of the hill. Rifle fire, machine guns, grenades, rockets and cannon fire ring out as a terrible battle is fought.... Then silence.

Eventually one badly wounded Russian fighter crawls back over the hill and with his dying words tells his commander, "Don't send any more men......it's a trap. There are two of them."

Tom had been a compulsive worrier for years until he found a way to overcome this problem.

His friends noticed a dramatic change.

"You don't seem to be worried about anything anymore," said one of his friends.

"I hired a professional worrier for $1,000.00 a week, Tom replied. "I haven't had a single problem since."

"A thousand a week?!" said Doug. "You can't afford that, how are you going to pay him?"

"Tom replied, "That's his problem."

Two blondes were sipping their iced coffees when a truck went by loaded with rolls of sod.

"I'm going to do that when I win the lottery," announced Blonde #1.

"Do what?" asked Blonde #2.

"Send my lawn out to be mowed!"

A guy walks up to the counter and says, "Ma'am, I'd like to order a Guinness."

"You must be Irish," she replies.

"Oh, so ordering a Guinness makes me Irish? If I ordered a Pizza, would you assume I'm Italian?"

"I didn't"

"And if I ordered a Bratwurst, would that make me German?"

"No, but"

"So why the hell do you think I'm Irish then?"

"Sir, this is a bookstore."

A little boy was eating in a restaurant for his birthday, when he started eating without a prayer.

His parents turn to him and say, "We say a prayer before eating in our house!"

The little boy replies, "Yeah, that's in our house, but here the chef knows how to cook!"

A fighter pilot is shot down over Germany in World War II. He wakes up in a German POW hospital. A German officer is standing over his bed as he comes-to.

"I'm verry sorry to inform you, but vee haff had to amputate your left leg," says the officer.

"Oh no," cries the pilot, "I lost a limb? This is terrible news. Crutches for the rest of my life and all that. Listen, could you boys do me a favor? Could you drop my leg over my base, so it can receive an American burial?"

The German confers with his peers and answers, "Ziss vee can do."

A week later, the American awakens to find the officer standing over him again.

"Unfortunately, zee infection has spread, and vee must take your uzza leg."

"No! Crikey! I'll have to get a little cart, and sell pencils in front of the library. Listen; can you boys drop my other leg over my base, so it can receive an American burial?"

Again, the German speaks to his fellows. "Ziss vee can do."

After another week, the American wakes to the German again.

"Vee are very sorry, but zee infection has spread to your right arm. Vee must take zat one as vell."

"Oh, cruel gods! No, no! Listen, can you boys do me a favor? Can you drop..."

"ZISS VEE CANNOT DO!!" the German interrupts.

"...but...why not?" asks the American.

"Vee sink you're trying to escape..."

A guy walks into a tailor in Ancient Greece. He tosses a toga onto the counter. The tailor picks it up, turns it over and finds a gash across the waist.

The tailor looks up at the man and says, "Euripides?"

The man nods and says, "Yeah. Eumenides?"

A physicist, engineer, and statistician go hunting.

After a long day of no luck, they are walking back dejectedly, rifles slung over their shoulders. Suddenly, they spot a deer in a clearing 150 feet away.

"I'll get him," the physicist says, doing some quick calculations and taking aim. BANG! The shot goes 10 feet long, but amazingly, the deer continues grazing.

"You idiot," the engineer says, "you didn't account for gravity or drag!" So he pulls out his notebook, does some quick calculations, and fires using his recalibrated aim. BANG! But the shot falls 10 feet short.

Suddenly, the statistician shouts, "We got him!"

A man calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program.

The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me." Without a second thought, he takes off after her.

A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally gives up. The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs. as promised.

Pleased with the first program, he calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program.

The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning and beautiful woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you catch me you can have me." Well, he's out the door after her like a shot.

This girl is in excellent shape, and he does his best to catch her, but no such luck. So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape. Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 20 lbs. as promised.

He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program.

"Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program."

"Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years."

The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, "If I catch you, you are mine!!!"

He lost 63 pounds that week.

A man comes home from work one day and asks his wife, "Can you get me a beer before it starts?" The wife gets the beer and he drinks it in one chug.

A few minutes go by, and he asks his wife again, "Can you get me a beer, before it starts?" Again, the wife gets the beer and he drinks it in one go.

After another half hour, he once more asks his wife, "Can you get me a beer, before it starts?"

At that point the wife says, "Are you sure you want another beer? Isn't two enough for the evening?"

The man replies, "Aaaand it started."

George owns a grocery store and makes decent money. One day, he hears the voice of God. God says, "Sell your store and move to Vegas." George, a devout Christian, complies.

So George is walking down the Strip, when God says, "Head into this casino and play blackjack." George does.

After playing a few hands, God says, "Bet all of your savings on this hand." George does. He is then dealt an 18. the dealer has a five showing, so George feels confident.

However, God says "Take a card." George hesitates, but takes it. An Ace! 19!

"Take another one." Another Ace! 20!

George is ecstatic, until God says, "Take another card." George is nervous, so he closes his eyes, and yells, "Hit me!" Another Ace! 21!

George is ecstatic, and then he hears God say, "Holy shit, that was fuckin unbelievable!"

So the wife and I were in town shopping, and as we came out of a store, three girls aged between 18 and 20 walked by, wearing tiny cropped tops and short short skirts. One of them, a tall blonde, had really fantastic, long, toned and tanned legs.

I gently nudged my wife and said "I bet you wish you still had legs like that!".

She got really upset with me. in fact I could still hear her sobbing as I wheeled her up the ramp into the next store.

A man in London walked into the produce section of his local Tesco supermarket and asked to buy half a head of cabbage.

The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of cabbage. The man was insistent that the boy ask the manager about the matter.

Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager, "Some old bastard wants to buy a half a head of cabbage."

As he finished his sentence, he turned around to find that the man was standing right behind him, so he quickly added, "and this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half."

The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way.

Later, the manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier, we like people who can think on their feet here, where are you from son?"

"New Zealand, Sir," the boy replied.

"Why did you leave New Zealand?" the manager asked.

The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but prostitutes and rugby players there."

"Is that right?" replied the manager," My wife is from New Zealand!"

"Really?" replied the boy, "Who did she play for?"

A policeman just pulled me over. He came up to my window and said, "papers?"

I said, "Scissors, I win," and drove off.

I think he wants a re-match he's been chasing me for 45 minutes.

A blind man walks into a library and asks, "Do you have any books on tape?"

The librarian says, "Yes, yes we do, but it's not a very interesting subject."

My friend said, "Congratulations on your new job. How did you get it?" I said, "The same way the Virgin Mary got Jesus."

"A miracle?!" he laughed.

I said, "No. Sex that I can't tell anyone about."

Son: Dad! I learned an awesome new trick at school in science class. Can I borrow your tie?

Dad: Let's see it.

Son: if we fold your tie in half, and roll the fat end toward the middle, and the thin end toward the middle, we have two rolls - one big and one small, both the same length, right?

Well, if I hold up the tie from the middle, and let go of both sides at the same time, which side will unroll first?

Dad: I have no idea.

Son (drops both ends, which open at the same time):

It's a tie, dad.

The Perfect Man:

- wakes up at 5 am everyday

- exercises everyday

- makes his own bed

- cleans his room

- works sincerely

- does not touch alcohol

- helps in the kitchen

- does not indulge in night life

- always punctual

- prays daily

- hits the bed at 9 pm sharp

Such a perfect man can only be found in jail.

The optimist sees the glass half full.

The pessimist sees the glass half empty.

The chemist see the glass completely full, half in the liquid state and half in the vapor state.

Jim and Lena were driving around the countryside when they ran over a skunk.

"We better take the skunk to the vet, Lena.

Just put the skunk between your legs to keep it warm."

"But, Jim, what about the smell?"

"Don't worry, Lena. The skunk will get used to it."

Little Johnny's teacher asks, "What is the chemical formula for water?"

Little Johnny replies, "HIJKLMNO"!

The teacher, puzzled, asks, "What on Earth are you talking about?"

Little Johnny replies, "Yesterday you said it was H to O!"

A blonde says to her doctor, "Each time I try to sip my coffee, my eye hurts."

The doctor says, "Maybe you should take the stirrer out of the cup."

Customer: Could you please call me a cab?

Little Johnny: OK... "You're a cab."

What exercise do Hairdressers do in the gym?

Curls.

Why are two blonde girls fighting on a motorcycle?

They are fighting because they both want to sit next to the window.

What does a blonde do when it gets cold?

Sits around a candle

What does she do when it gets really cold?

Lights it

Three guys, stranded on a desert island, find a magic lantern containing a genie, who grants them each one wish.

The first guy wishes he was off the island and back home.

The second guy wishes the same.

The third guy says "I'm lonely.

I wish my friends were back here."

There are 17 blondes standing outside a disco but why couldn't they get in?

The sign said "must be 18 to enter".

George knocked on the door of his friend's house.

When his friend's mother answered he asked, 'can Albert come out to play?'

'No, said the mother, 'it's too cold.'

'Well, then,' said George, ' can his football come out to play?'

A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of international capitals.

She proudly said, "Go ahead and quiz me.

I know all of them!"

Her friend said, "O.K.

then, what's the capital of France?"

The blonde replied, "Oh, that's so easy!

F."

There was a prison break and I saw a dwarf climb up the fence.

As he jumped down he sneered at me and I thought, well that's a little condescending.

I got an F in arithmetic

Boy: "I got an F in arithmetic."

Father: "Why?"

Boy: "The teacher asked 'How much is 2×3?' and I said '6'"

Father: "But that's right!"

Boy: "Then she asked me 'How much is 3×2?'"

Father: "What's the fucking difference?"

Boy: "That's exactly what I said!"

A man goes to see a doctor. He walks up to the sign in desk and tells the lady behind the desk he needs to see the doctor because he's invisible. The lady goes to get the doctor and says, "There is a man here who wants to see you. He says he is invisible." The doctor says to the lady, "Tell him I can't see him right now."

A Scottish priest is driving home when he comes across a dead pig lying on the road.

So he calls the police to inform them. A cocky sergeant answers the called. "Did ye read him his last rites?" smirks the sergeant. "Naw." replies the priest." I thought I would inform his next of kin first!"

A man joined a big Multi National Company as a trainee.

On his first day, he dialed the kitchen and shouted into the phone: "Get me a cup of coffee, quickly!"

The voice from the other side responded: "You fool; you've dialled the wrong extension! Do you know who you're talking to?"

"No" replied the trainee.

"It's the Managing Director of the company, you idiot"

The trainee shouted back: "And do you know who you are talking to, you idiot?"

"No!" replied the Managing Director angrily.

"Thank God!" replied the trainee and kept the phone down

A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back."

The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan's offer. One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?" asks the Irishman.

The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back.

The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement. The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?"

The Irishman replies, "Oh ... I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first."

A bus filled with politicians was driving through the countryside one day, on the campaign trail. The bus driver, caught up in the beautiful scenery,loses control and crashes into the ditch. A farmer living nearby hears the horrible crash and rushes out to discover the wreckage. Finding the politicians, he buries them.

The next day, the police come to the farm to question the man. "So you buried all the politicians?" asked the police officer. "Were they all dead?"

The farmer answered, "Some said they weren't, but you know how politicians lie."

A man is driving up a steep, narrow mountain road. A woman is driving down the same road. As they pass each other, the woman leans out of the window and yells "PIG!"

The man immediately leans out of his window and replies, "BITCH!"

They each continue on their way, and as the man rounds the next corner, he crashes into a pig in the middle of the road and dies.

If only men would listen.

A weasel walks into a bar.

The bartender exclaims "Well I'll be! We've never have a weasel in here before. You can have whatever you want. What'll it be?"

"Pop," goes the weasel.

Fred feared his wife Rhonda wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid.

Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family doctor to discuss the problem.

The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.

'Here's what you do,' said the doctor, 'stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response.'

That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and the husband was In the den. He says to himself, 'I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens.' Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?'

No response.

So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, 'Rhonda, what's for dinner?' Still no response.

Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his Wife and asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?'

A gain he gets no response.

So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. 'Honey, what's for dinner?'

Again there is no response..

So he walks right up behind her. 'Rhonda, what's for dinner?'

'Dammit, Fred, for the FIFTH time, CHICKEN!'

A lady goes to her parish priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots but they only know how to say one thing."

"What do they say?" the priest inquired.

"They say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?'" the woman said embarrassingly.

"That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed, "I can see why you are embarrassed." He thought a minute and then said, "You know, I may have a solution to this problem. I have two male parrots whom I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house and we will put them in the cage with Francis and Job. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship. I'm sure your parrots will stop saying that...that phrase in no time."

"Thank you," the lady responded, "this may very well be the solution."

The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw his two male parrots were inside their cage, holding their rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them.

After just a couple of seconds, the female parrots exclaimed out in unison, "Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?" There was a stunned silence.

Finally, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and said, "Put the beads away, Francis, our prayers have been answered!"

A husband and his wife were always fighting each other.

When they had a confrontation, screaming and yelling could be heard deep into the night.

The woman would shout, "When I die, I will dig my way up, out of the grave and come back to haunt you for the rest of your life!"

Neighbours feared her, and the woman liked the fact that she was feared.

To everyone's relief, she died of a heart attack when she was 58. Her husband had a closed casket at the wake.

After the burial, he went straight to the local bar and began to party, as if there was no tomorrow. His neighbours, concerned for his safety, asked, "Aren't you afraid that she may indeed be able to dig her way up and out of the grave and come back to haunt you for the rest of your life?"

The husband put down his drink and said, "Let her dig. I had her buried upside down."

A husband and wife were grocery shopping when the husband picked up a case of Budweiser and placed it in the cart.

"What do you think you're doing?" asked the wife.

"It's on sale. Only $10 for a case," he replies.

"We can't afford it. Put it back," demands the wife. They continue shopping and a few minutes later the wife puts a $20 jar of face cream into the cart.

"What do you think you're doing?" asks the husband.

"It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful," replies the wife.

"So does the Budweiser and it's half the price," retorts the husband.

Johnny's grandad gives him a new bicycle for his birthday.

"This is a very special, highly advanced bicycle. It can do things no other bike can do. But you must take it out for a ride at least every 7 days, or it will injure you", says his granddad.

Johnny puts the bicycle in his shed and forgets about it for a week. Then one day, Johnny goes to the shed to take the bike out for a ride. But as he's about to pick it up, the bike jumps on Johnny and beats him up.

"Why did you do that?" Johnny asks the bicycle. "Because you haven't taken me out to ride in 7 days" it replies.

"But that's why I'm here, to take you for a ride"

So Johnny goes to pick up the bike, and again it jumps on him and beats him up.

"What the hell?" says Johnny, "Why'd you beat me up again?"

"Because you haven't taken me out to ride in 7 days" replies the bicycle.

"But that's what I'm about to do - take you out for a ride," says Johnny.

So again, Johnny goes to pick up the bike, and again, the bike jumps on him and beats him up.

"What the hell man, why'd you keep doing that?" asks Johnny.

"Because you haven't taken me out to ride in 7 days", replies the bike.

It's a vicious cycle.

A magician was working on a cruise ship

Since the audience was different every week, the magician did the same tricks over and over again. There was only one problem: the captain's parrot saw the shows every week and began to understand how the magician did every trick.

Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show "look, it's not the same hat", or "look, he's hiding flowers under the table", or "hey, why are all of the cards aces?"

The magician was furious but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the captain's parrot.

One stormy night on the pacific, the ship unfortunately sank.

The magician found himself on a piece of wood floating in the middle of the sea with, as fate would have it, the parrot.

They stared at each other with hatred, but didn't utter a word

This went on for a day, then two days, then three days. Finally the parrot couldn't hold back and said

"Okay I give up, where's the ship?"

A man comes home one day and says, "Guess what honey? Pack your bags, I won the lottery!"

The wife squeals with delight and says, "That's great! Should I pack for the mountains or the beach?" He says, "I don't care, just get out!"

A Mafia Godfather, accompanied by his attorney, walks into a room to meet with his former accountant...

The Godfather asks the accountant, "Where is the 3 million bucks you embezzled from me?"

The accountant does not answer.

The Godfather asks again, "Where is the 3 million bucks you embezzled from me?"

The attorney interrupts, "Sir, the man is a deaf mute and cannot understand you, but I can interpret for you."

The Godfather says, "Well ask him where my damn money is!"

The attorney, using sign language, asks the accountant where the 3 million dollars is.

The accountant signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about."

The attorney interprets to the Godfather, "He doesn't know what you are talking about."

The Godfather pulls out a 9 millimeter pistol, puts it to the temple of the accountant, cocks the trigger and says, "Ask him again where my damn money is!"

The attorney signs to the accountant, "He wants to know where it is!"

The accountant signs back, "OK! OK! OK! The money is hidden in a brown suitcase in my garage!"

The Godfather says, "Well!? What did he say?"

The attorney interprets to the Godfather, "He says to go fuck yourself. You don't have the balls to pull the trigger."

A taxi driver reaches the Pearly Gates and announces his presence to St. Peter, who looks him up in his Big Book.

Upon reading the entry for the cabby, St. Peter invites him to grab a silk robe and a golden staff and to proceed into Heaven.

A preacher is next in line behind the taxi driver and has been watching these proceedings with interest. He announces himself to St. Peter. Upon scanning the preacher's entry in the Big Book, St. Peter furrows his brow and says, "Okay, we'll let you in, but take that cloth robe and wooden staff." The preacher is astonished and replies, "But I am a man of the cloth. You gave that taxi driver a gold staff and a silk robe. Surely I rate higher than a cabby."

St. Peter responded matter-of-factly: "Here we are interested in results. When you preached, people slept. When the he drove his taxi, people prayed."

President Donald Trump and his motorcade are cruising along a country road to Florida after the government shutdown. Suddenly they hit a pig, killing it instantly.

Trump tells his chief of staff to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what had happened. About one hour later Trump sees him staggering back to the car with a bottle of wine in one hand, a cigar in the other and his clothes all ripped and torn.

"What happened to you?" asked Trump

"Well, the Farmer gave me the wine, his wife gave me the cigar and his 21-year-old daughter made mad passionate love to me."

"My God, what did you tell them?" asks Trump.

"I said I'm Donald Trump's Chief of staff, and I just killed the pig."

A drunk man walks into a bar looking for a fight, so he stands up in the front of the bar and yells out, "All lawyers are assholes!"

The bar falls silent for a few seconds before a man finally gets up from his table, taps the drunk man on the shoulder, and says "Take that back."

The drunk man responds, "Why, are you a lawyer?"

To which the man replies "No, I'm an asshole."

I just got off the phone with a friend living in North Dakota near the Canadian Border.

He said that since early this morning the snow has been coming down. It's nearly waist high and is still falling. The temperature has dropped way below zero and the north wind is increasing to near gale-force.

All the while, his wife has done nothing but look through the kitchen window and just stare.

He says that if it gets much worse, he may have to let her in.

The chief tells the three men, "Tonight, you will be killed. However, you have one chance to save yourselves. Go now into the woods and gather ten of whatever fruit you find, then bring it back here." The three men go off into the woods.

The first man returns some time later with 10 apples. The chief says, "Very good. Now, for us to spare your life, you must shove all ten apples up your butt without making a single sound. If you succeed, you will be free. If you fail, we eat you." The man agrees and is working on the third apple when he winces, and he is promptly killed.

A little while later, the second man appears with ten small berries and is told the same thing. He is nine berries in when he bursts out laughing, and he is promptly killed. The two men meet in heaven and the first man says "I was watching the whole thing from up here, and you were so close! Why on Earth did you start laughing?"

The second man answers, "I saw the third guy coming back with pineapples."

A woman caught her husband on the weight scale, sucking in his stomach.

"Joe, you know that's not going to help you," she said

"Oh it helps a lot," he replies. "It's the only way I can see the numbers!"

As I slipped my finger slowly inside her hole. I could immediately feel it getting wetter and wetter. I took my finger back out and within seconds she was going down on me.

I thought to myself, "I really need a new boat!"

A radio station in Ireland is taking calls to find a word that is commonly used but isn't in the dictionary yet.

The first caller get's through, "Hello! What word do you think should be in the dictionary?"

"Goan!"

"Goan? Can you use it in a sentence?"

"Yeah, go'an fuck yerself!" The caller then begins laughing until the station can cut off his call.

After several more calls they get another man, "And what's your word sir?"

"Smee!"

"Can you use it in a sentence?"

"Aye! S'mee again! Goan fuck yerself!"

A mother asks here son, "Why don't you talk to Steven anymore? You used to be best friends!"

"Well," stats the son, "would you talk to someone who is stupid, does drugs, and is an alcoholic?"

"Of course not!"

"Well, neither would he."

A state trooper pulls over a priest. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"

"Just water," replies the priest.

"Then why do I smell wine?" asks the trooper.

The priest looks at the bottle in amazement and exclaims, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"

All of the organs are deciding who should be in charge.

"I should be in charge," said the brain , "I run all the body's systems, without me nothing would happen."

"I should be in charge," said the heart , "I circulate oxygen and nutrients all over."

"No! I should be in charge," said the stomach, "I process the food that gives us energy."

"I should be in charge," said the legs, "without me the body couldn't go anywhere."

"I should be in charge," said the eyes, "I allow the body to see where it goes."

"I should be in charge," said the anus, "I am responsible for waste removal."

All of the other body parts laughed at the anus and insulted him. So he shut down.

After a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery, and the heart pumped toxic blood. They all decided that the anus should be the boss.

What is the moral of the story? Even though everybody else does all of the work the ass hole is usually in charge.

A man with a black eye takes his seat on the plane, when he notices that the man next to him also has a black eye.

"How did you get yours?" he asked

"A Freudian slip at the ticket gate," he replies. "The girl selling the tickets was beautiful busty blonde. When I meant to ask for a ticket to Pittsburg, I accidentally asked for a picket to Tits-burg, and she clocked be right in the eye. How about you? How'd you get your shiner?"

"It's so funny you should say that," answered the first man. "Mine was from a Freudian slip too! I was at the breakfast table with my wife this morning. What I meant to say was 'Could you please pass the sugar, honey?' But what I accidentally said was 'You fucking bitch, you've ruined my life!'"

Two whales walk into a bar. The first one goes to the barman and says, "oooooOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooo OoOooOOoOooooo OOOOOOOoOOooooOoOoOOoOoo OoOOoOOoooooooo OOOOOOOoOOOoOOooooooooo."

The second one turns to the first and says, "shut up Frank, you're drunk."

An explorer in the deepest Amazon suddenly finds himself surrounded by what appears to be a bloodthirsty group of cannibals. Upon surveying the situation, he says quietly to himself, "Oh God, I'm screwed."

There is a ray of light from the sky above and a voice booms out, "No, you are not screwed. Pick up that stone at your feet and bash in the head of the chief standing in front of you."

So the explorer picks up the stone and proceeds to bash the life out of the chief. He stands above the lifeless body, breathing heavily and surrounded by 100 cannibals with a look of shock on their faces.

The voice booms out again, "Now you're screwed."

A man goes into a job interview, and presents himself well. The employer is shocked at how professional he is and says, "Wow, you have an incredible resume, and present yourself very well, but you seem to be missing 5 years on this part of your resume. What happened there?"

The man replied "Oh, that's when I went to Yale."

The employer is even more impressed. "That's great, you're hired!"

The man is extremely happy and exclaims, "Yay I got a yob!"

A horse walks into a bar

The bartender says, "Hey."

The horse says, "Sure."

A guy walks into a bar, orders 12 shots, and starts drinking them as fast as he can.

The bartender asks, "Hey buddy, why are you drinking so fast?"

The guy replies, "You would be drinking fast, too, if you had what I had."

The bartender asks, "What do you have?"

The guy says, "75 cents."

Dave and his wife Shae went to the state fair every year, and every year Dave would say, "Shae, I'd like to ride in that helicopter."

Shae always replied, "I know Dave, but that helicopter ride is hundred bucks, and hundred bucks is hundred bucks."

Finally, one year when they went to the fair Dave pleaded, "Shae, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter now, I might never get another chance."

Shae replied, "Dave that helicopter ride is hundred bucks, and hundred bucks is hundred bucks."

The pilot overheard the couple and said, "Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you don't say a word for the entire ride I won't charge you a penny! But if you say one word it'll be a hundred dollars."

Dave and Shae agreed and up they went.

The pilot did all kinds of fancy manoeuvres, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, and yet nothing was said.

When they landed, the pilot turned to Dave and said, "By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!"

Dave replied, "Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Shae fell out, but you know, hundred bucks is hundred bucks!"

When I was a kid, my family was very poor.

I remember my dad was cutting Onion and our whole family was crying.

Poor Onion.

He was such a good dog.

A man was speaking with God and asked him, "God, is it true that to you a thousand years is a minute?"

"That's true," God replied.

"And is it true that to you $1,000,000 is like a penny?"

"That's true," God replied.

"Well, you see I'm a poor man, and I was wondering if you could give me a penny," asked the man.

"Sure," said God, "in a minute."

A man goes hiking and sees a farmer with two cows. One is black and the other is white.

The man walks up to the farmer and asks, "What do you feed the cows?"

The farmer asks, "The black one or the white one?"

"The black one," says the man.

"I feed it grass."

"What about the white one then?"

"I feed it grass, too."

The man nods. "And where do they usually sleep?"

"The black one or the white one?" the farmer asks.

"The black one."

"In the barn."

"What about the white one?"

"It sleeps in the barn too," says the farmer.

The hiker starts getting frustrated. "And what do you use them for?" he asks.

The farmer asks again, "The black one or the white one?"

"The black one."

"Well, I use it to get milk."

"And the white one?"

"I use that one to get milk, too."

The hiker gets extremely angry, and yells, "What the hell is wrong with you?! You keep asking me which cow I mean, then give me the same response for both!"

The farmer answers calmly, "Well, because the black cow is mine."

"Oh, and what about the white one?"

"It's mine too..."

A man goes to a bar and sees a "larger" girl dancing on a table. He walks over to her and says, "Wow, nice legs!"

She is flattered and replies, "You really think so?"

The man says, "Oh definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."

A young woman walks into a dry cleaner.

She asks the elderly man inspecting her blouse how long it would take to clean. Hard of hearing the man asks, "Come again?"

She responds, "No, it's yogurt."

A guy goes fishing one morning but after a short time runs out of worms. Just then he sees a cotton-mouth snake in the water with a frog in his mouth. Frogs are good bass bait. Knowing the snake couldn't bite with the frog in his mouth, the guy grabs him right behind the head, takes the frog, and puts the snake in his bait bucket.

Now the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bit. So, the guy snatches his bottle of Jack Daniels and pours a little whiskey in the snake's mouth. His eyes roll back and he goes limp. The guy releases him into the lake without incident and carries on fishing using the frog.

A little later, he feels nudge on his foot. It was the snake, with two more frogs.

A guy sees a sign in front of a house in Santa Barbara: 'Talking Dog for Sale.'

He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a black mutt just sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Sure do." the dog replies.

"So, what's your story?" asks the guy.

The dog looks up and says, "Well, I discovered my gift of talking pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running.

The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

The owner says, "Ten bucks."

The guy says, "This dog is amazing. Why on Earth are you selling him so cheap?"

"Because he's a fucking liar. He didn't do any of that shit."

Three old men are sitting on a bench.

The first one says, "I think I have the worst life here because I wake up at 8:00 every morning but I can't piss!"

The second one then says, "I think my life is worse than yours because I wake up at 8:30 and I can't shit!"

The third one finally says, "Gentlemen I think my life is worse than both of yours."

The first man interjects, "Can you piss?"

The third one replies, "At 9:00 I piss like a racehorse."

Then the second one says, "Can you shit?"

The third man replies again, "At 9:30 I shit like there's trains coming out of my ass."

The two both a little confused ask him, "Then what's the problem?"

"I wake up at 10!!"

Cannibals capture three men. The men are told that they will be skinned and eaten and then their skin will be used to make canoes. Then they are each given a final request.

The first man asks to be killed as quickly and painlessly as possible. His request is granted, and they poison him.

The second man asks for paper and pen so that he can write a farewell letter to his family.

This request is granted, and after he writes his letter, they kill him saving his skin for their canoes.

Now it's the third man's turn. He asks for a fork. The cannibals are confused, but it is his final request, so they give him a fork. As soon as he has the fork he begins stabbing himself all over and shouts, "To hell with your canoes!"

Two Tennessee rednecks are out hunting, and as they are walking along they come upon a huge hole in the ground. They approach it and are amazed by the size of it.

The first hunter says, "Wow, that's some hole; I can't even see the bottom. I wonder how deep it is."

The second hunter says, "I don't know, let's throw something down and listen and see how long it takes to hit bottom."

The first hunter says, "There's this old pickup transmission here, give me a hand and we'll throw it in and see."

So they pick it up and carry it over, and count one, and two and three, and throw it in the hole.

As they stand there listening and looking over the edge, they hear a rustling in the brush behind them.

They turn around to see a goat come crashing through the brush, run up to the hole and with no hesitation, jump in head first.

While they are standing there looking at each other, looking in the hole and trying to figure out what that was all about, an old farmer walks up.

"Say there," says the farmer, "you fellers didn't happen to see my goat around here anywhere, did you?"

The first hunter says, "Funny you should ask, but we were just standing here a minute ago and a goat came running out of the bushes doin' about a hundred miles an hour and jumped headfirst into this hole here!"

The old farmer said, "That's impossible. I had him chained to a transmission!"

After a stressful day, one man comes home and sits in his backyard, drinking a beer.

As he's getting up to get a snack, he stops and asks, "Jesus, what is the meaning of life?"

To which Jesus replies, "You slave in the sun to support the ones you love. You make money so you can buy things for your family to keep them happy."

The man asks, "Jesus, why is life so hard?"

To which Jesus replies, "That, no one may ever know. You have to overcome many obstacles to be successful."

The man asks again, "How was the universe created?"

Jesus replies, "I'm sorry, senor, but can you stop asking questions? I'm trying to mow your lawn."

A guy walks into a butcher's shop and says "Sir, are you a gambling man?"

The butcher says, "Why yes, as a matter of fact I am."

"Then I'll bet you $25 you can't reach up and touch that meat hanging over your head right there."

The butcher thinks for a moment and says, "I'm sorry, I won't take that bet."

The guy says "But I thought you said you were a gambling man."

"I am. But the steaks are too high."

A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck, and everyone inside dies. They then get to meet their maker, and because of the grief they have experienced, he decides to grant them one wish each before they enter paradise.

They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what the wish is. "I want to be gorgeous," and so God snaps his fingers, and it is done.

The second one in line hears this and says "I want to be gorgeous, too." Another snap of his fingers and the wish is granted.

This goes on for a while but when God is halfway down the line, the last guy in line starts laughing. When there are only ten people left, this guy is rolling on the floor, laughing his ass off. Finally, God reaches this guy and asks him what his wish will be. The guy calms down and says: "Make 'em all ugly again."

Four people are in train car: an Englishman, a pretty young blonde girl, an ugly old woman, and a Frenchman.

It all goes dark when the train goes through a tunnel. In the dark there's the sound of an almighty slap, and when the train emerges from the tunnel the Frenchman is rubbing his face, and there's a huge red mark on his cheek.

The old lady thinks, "I bet that Frenchman fondled the blonde in the dark and she slapped him."

The pretty young blonde thinks, "I bet the Frenchman tried to fondle me in the dark, got the old lady by mistake, and she hit him."

The Frenchman thinks, "I bet that Englishman fondled the blonde in the dark, but the blonde thought it was me and hit me."

The Englishman thinks, "I hope there's another tunnel coming up soon so I can slap that French twat again."

A rather bad man dies and meets Satan in a room with three doors. Satan explains, "I have good news and bad news. The bad news is that you have to spend eternity behind one of these doors. But, the good news is that you can take a peek behind each and take your choice."

So, the man opened the first door and saw a room full of people, standing on their heads on a concrete floor. Not very nice, he thought.

Opening the second door, he saw a room full of people standing on their heads on a wooden floor. Better, he thought, but best to check the last door.

Upon opening the last door, he saw a room full of people, standing waist-deep in excrement and sipping coffee.

"Of the three, this one looks best," he said and waded in to get something to drink while Satan closed the door.

A few minutes later the door opened, Satan stuck his head in and said, "Ok, coffee break's over, back on your heads!"

The chief of a tribe in Mexico dies.

His son is now the chief. Since he never learned the ways of his forefathers to predict winters, when he gets asked what should the tribe do, he just tells them to collect firewood.

He then goes to the National Weather Station in Mexico and asks them how bad winter is going to be. They tell him, "It looks like it will be pretty bad".

Shocked, he goes back to his tribe and tells them to gather more firewood.

He goes back to the weather station and asks them again if winter will be bad. They answer, "It is going to be one of the worst winters in a decade."

The Chief goes back to the village and tells them to gather more firewood. Then he goes for a third time to the weather station and asks them again, "will the winter be bad?"

They respond, "It will be the worst winter in a century."

The chief asks them, "How do you know winter will be bad?"

They answer, "Because the Indians are gathering firewood like crazy!"

Two Irish hunters got a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose. They managed to bag six. As they were loading the plane to return, the pilot said the plane could take only four moose. The two lads objected strongly.

"Last year we shot six. The pilot let us take them all and he had the same plane as yours."

Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded. However, even on full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down.

Somehow, surrounded by the moose bodies, Paddy, Mick and the pilot survived the crash. After climbing out of the wreckage, Paddy asked Mick, "Any idea where we are?"

"I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year."

One day George W. Bush was out jogging and accidentally fell from a bridge into a very cold river. Three boys, playing along the river, saw the accident. Without a second thought, they jumped in the water and dragged the wet president out of the river.

After cleaning up he said, "Boys, you saved the President of the United States today. You deserve a reward. You name it, I'll give it to you."

The first boy said, "Please, I'd like a ticket to Disneyland!"

"I'll personally hand it to you," said Bush. "I'd like a pair of Nike Air Turbos," the second boy said. "I'll buy them myself and give them to you," said Bush. "And I'd like a wheelchair with a stereo in it," said the third boy.

"I'll personally ... wait a second, son, you're not handicapped!"

"No, but I will be when my father finds out who I saved from drowning."

I felt sorry for the hypnotist I saw last night.

He hypnotised seven men, but then dropped the microphone on his foot and said, "Fuck me!"

What happened next will haunt me for the rest of my life.

A man walks into a bar. He orders three beers before he walks to a booth where he sits by himself.

He continues to do this for a while before the bartender finally asks, "Why are you always ordering three beers? Wouldn't it be better if you ordered one at a time?"

The man replies, "I used to come in here with my two brothers and drink with them. But now they are at separate places around the world, so I come in here and drink to the memory of them." This all seemed fine, and he kept doing this for a while longer.

After a few weeks the man comes in and asks for only two beers before going to the booth. It immediately becomes quiet in the bar, and no one dares say a word.

Finally the bartender goes up to the man and asks, "Is everything okay? How are you're brothers?"

The man replies, "Oh! No, they are both fine! I just stopped drinking."

A group of soldiers are preparing for an attack from the enemy, when a private walks up to the captain and says, "Captain, I've lost my rifle! What do I do?"

The captain thinks for a moment, then grabs a broom and hands it to the private. He says, "If any enemies show themselves, just point this at them and shout "Bangity bangity bang."

The private argues about how it won't work, but the captain insists until he finally gives up. "Well what about close quarters then?" says the private.

The captain thinks for a moment, then takes a butterknife and sticks it to the end of the broom. He replies, "If they come close, just use this and say "stabbity stabbity stab." The private doesn't even bother arguing this time.

The next day, the enemy mounts a huge offensive. There is an immense army. The private starts aiming his broom and saying, "Bangity bangity bang," and it actually proves effective. This guy starts mowing down the enemy soldiers with his broom, but there's just so many, and they start charging him. So he starts saying, "stabbity stabbity stab," and the soldiers drop in front of him bleeding.

After some time, there is no one left alive on the battlefield but him. There are corpses from both sides everywhere.

Eventually he sees one enemy soldier in the distance. The enemy soldier is not aiming a gun or anything. He is simply walking towards the broom-wielding soldier while mumbling something.

The soldier aims his broom and fires, but to no effect. He continues trying over and over, but the enemy soldier just walks towards him, still mumbling. The soldier gets close, and he tries stabbing, but it still has no effect. The soldier finally reaches him, and simply pushes him over. He literally crushes him just walking over him.

As his life fades, he finally hears the enemy solider walking off saying, "Tankity tankity tank."

An Australian, an American and a New Zealander are enjoying some beer in Saudi Arabia even though it is against the law to drink alcohol there. They are captured by the Sheik and are sentenced to death, until his wife runs up to him and whispers something in his ear. She glances to the New Zealander, and whispers some more.

The sheik steps forward and announces, "Because it is my wife's birthday today, she has asked that I spare your lives, on the following terms. You will each get 20 lashes, but will receive one wish before you do. However, since my wife and I admire New Zealand's beautiful countryside, we will allow the New Zealander two wishes."

The Australian is up first, and asks for a pillow to be tied to his back. However, after the first few lashes, the pillow breaks. Then, the American asks for TWO pillows to be tied to his back. Again, they break after but five lashes. Finally, the New Zealander steps forward. "First," he says, "I would like to be given 40 lashes, not 20." The sheik is confused at first, and then asks "And...your second wish?" "Tie the Aussie to my back."

Little Susie, a six-year-old, complained, "Mother, I've got a stomach ache."

"That's because your stomach is empty", the mother replied. "You would feel better if you had something in it."

That afternoon her daddy came complaining that he had a severe headache all day.

Susie perked up. "That's because it's empty," she said. "You'd feel better if you had something in it."

One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.

He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"

"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."

"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the lawyer said.

"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree."

"Bring them along," the lawyer replied. Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You come with us, also."

The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!"

"Bring them all, as well," the lawyer answered. They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was.

Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."

The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place. The grass is almost a foot high."

A mechanic dies, and, not being a very religious man, gets sent to hell. While in hell, the mechanic meets Satan, and he is shown the ins and outs of Hell.

While wandering around, the mechanic starts doing the thing he's best at - fixing stuff. In a matter of weeks, Hell has air conditioning, working TV's and indoor plumbing, all being maintained and improved by the mechanic.

Seeing this from heaven, God calls Satan over and demands to have the mechanic because Hell is supposed to be an awful place and shouldn't have any luxuries. Satan refuses, and God threatens to sue him for the mechanic.

"Sue me?" Satan asks. "Where are you going to find a lawyer?"

A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a female police officer, who was also a blonde.

The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's license. She dug through her purse but couldn't find her license. She was getting quite flustered.

"What does it look like?" the driver finally asked.

The policewoman replied, "It's square and it has your picture on it."

The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman. "Here it is," she said.

The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, "OK, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop."

When Beethoven passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried. Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it. The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave. Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate.

When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Beethoven's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards."

He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony, and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling." So the magistrate kept listening: "There's the Seventh... the Sixth... the Fifth..."

Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate. He stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Beethoven decomposing."

Two conjoined twins walk into a pub.

The bartender is amazed. "You're not from around here, are you?"

The siamese on the left side replies, "No, we're French. Every summer we come to the UK, rent a car and start a road trip."

"So, you must really like the country," says the bartender.

"Not that much. But once a year, my brother can drive."

A lawyer is about to enter a party and decides to tell people that he's a doctor instead of a lawyer since people seem to think badly about lawyers, and he's always been attacked by lawyers jokes.

After he's mingled for a little while, a guy comes up to him and tells him that there's another doctor there who works at the same hospital he does. To his surprise, this other doctor plays along and pretends to know him.

After the party ends, the guy goes up to the doctor and says, "Thanks for playing along. So, what does it feel like to be a real doctor?"

The man replies, "I wouldn't know. I work for the IRS."

A farm boy accidentally overturned his wagon load of corn.

The farmer who lived nearby heard the noise and yelled over to the boy, "Hey Willis, forget your troubles. Come in and visit with us. I'll help you get the wagon up later."

"That's mighty nice of you," Willis answered, "but I don't think Pa would like me to."

"Aw, come on boy," the farmer insisted.

"Well okay," the boy finally agreed, and added, "but Pa won't like it."

After a hearty dinner, Willis thanked his host. "I feel a lot better now, but I know Pa is going to be real upset."

"Don't be foolish!" the neighbor said with a smile. "By the way, where is he?"

"Under the wagon."

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, "This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you."

The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, "Which do you want, son?" The boy takes the quarters and leaves. "What did I tell you?" said the barber. "That kid never learns!"

Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. "Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?"

The boy licked his cone and replied, "Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!"

A young lawyer passed the Bar Exam and decided to get his first tailor-made suit. So he went to the finest tailor in town and got measured for a suit. A week later he went in for his first fitting. He put on the suit and looked fabulous. He felt that in this suit he will come across as very professional.

As he was preening himself in front of the mirror he reached down to put his hands in the pockets and to his surprise he noticed that there were no pockets. He mentioned this to the tailor who asked him, "Didn't you tell me you were a lawyer?"

The young man answered, "Yes, I did."

To this the tailor said, "Who ever heard of a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets?"

A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce. The car is parked on the street in front of the bank; she has the title, and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan.

The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a $250,000 Rolls as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drives the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there. Two weeks later, the blonde returns and repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41.

The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely; but we are a little puzzled. We checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is - why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"

The blonde replies, "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"

My mother came to visit recently.

Once she entered the house, my wife greeted her, saying, "Hi Mom, I am so happy to see you. How long will you be staying?"

My mother replied, "As long as you want me to."

My wife exclaimed, "What! You won't even stay for coffee?"

A priest, an ophthalmologist, and an engineer were golfing one morning behind a particularly slow group of golfers.

The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!"

The ophthalmologist chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!"

The priest said, "Here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him."

He said, "Hello, George. What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"

The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we let them play for free anytime."

The group fell silent for a moment. Then the priest said, "That's so sad. I think I'll say a special prayer for them."

The ophthalmologist added, "Good idea. And maybe I could examine them to see if there's anything I can do for them."

They were silent for a moment.

Then the engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"

As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a gravesite service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a Pauper's' cemetery in the back country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions.

I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man. And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, and we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I've never seen anything like that, and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years!"

An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are all standing watching a street performer do some excellent juggling.

The juggler notices that the four gentlemen have a very poor view, so he stands up on a large wooden box and calls out, "Can you all see me now?"

"Yes." "Oui." "Si." "Ja."

A principal of a small middle school had a problem with a few of the older girls starting to use lipstick. When applying it in the bathroom they would then press their lips to the mirror and leave lip prints.

Before it got out of hand he thought of a way to stop it. He gathered all the girls together that wore lipstick and told them he wanted to meet with them in the ladies room at 2 PM.

They gathered at 2 PM and found the principal and the school custodian waiting for them. The principal explained that it was becoming a problem for the custodian to clean the mirror every night. He said he felt the ladies did not fully understand just how much of a problem it was and he wanted them to witness just how hard it was to clean.

The custodian then demonstrated. He took a long brush on a handle out of a box. He then dipped the brush in the nearest toilet, moved to the mirror and proceeded to remove the lipstick.

That was the last day the girls pressed their lips on the mirror.

A man is walking a penguin down the street on a leash. A policeman sees him and stops the man.

The policeman says, "What are you doing?! Take that penguin to the zoo!"

A week later, the policeman sees the man with the penguin again.

He says, "Hey, I thought I told you to take that penguin to the zoo!"

The man replies, "I did! He loved it! We're going to the theme park tomorrow!"

I was standing behind this girl at a school dance while we were waiting to get some juice. She was really pretty, so I thought I'd break the ice with a joke.

I tapped her on the shoulder and said "Hey, what's blue and smells like red paint?"

She smiled and asked, "I don't know. What?"

As I was about to open my mouth, I accidentally tripped and knocked over everyone in front of me. I never got to finish the joke, but that's how I totally screwed up the punch line.

As an old man was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.

Upon answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Fred, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 94. Please be careful!"

"It's not just one car," said Fred, "It's hundreds of them!!"

A new CEO takes over at a struggling company and decides to get rid of all the slackers.

On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning against a wall. He can't believe this guy would just stand around on the job. The new CEO walks up to the guy and asks, "What are you doing here?"

"I'm just waiting to get paid," responds the man.

Furious, the CEO asks, "How much money do you make a week?"

A little surprised, the young fellow replies, "I make about $500 a week. Why?"

The CEO quickly gets out his checkbook, hands the guy a check made out to cash for $2,000 and says, "Here's four weeks' pay. Now get out and don't come back."

The man puts the check in his pocket and promptly walks out.

Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looks around the room and asks, "Does anyone want to tell me what just happened here?"

From across the room comes a voice, "Yeah, you just tipped the pizza delivery guy $2,000."

One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, "I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week." The florist was pleased and left the shop.

When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a "Thank You" card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.

Later that day, a cop came in for a haircut, and when he tried to pay his bill, the barber again replied, "I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week." The cop was happy and left the shop.

The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a "Thank You" card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.

Next a Congressman came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill, the barber again replied, "I can not accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week." The Congressman was very happy and left the shop.

The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen Congressmen lined up waiting for a free haircut.

My girlfriend is fed up of my constant wordplay jokes, so I asked her, "How can I stop my addiction?"

"Whatever means necessary," she replied.

"No it doesn't," I said.

An old couple were sitting in Church and the wife noticed that people were staring at her.

She leaned across to her husband and whispered, "I've just let go a silent fart. What do you think I should do?"

He said, "I think you should get fresh batteries for your hearing aid."

A Baptist preacher sits next to a cowboy on a flight. After the plane takes off, the cowboy asks for a whiskey and soda, which is promptly brought and placed before him.

The flight attendant then asks the preacher if he would like a drink.

Appalled, the preacher replies, "I'd rather be tied up and taken advantage of by women of ill-repute, than let liquor touch my lips."

The cowboy then hands his drink back to the attendant and says, "Me too, I didn't know we had a choice."

Cinderella is now 95 years old. After a fulfilling life with the now dead prince, she happily sits upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat named Bob for companionship.

One sunny afternoon out of nowhere, appeared the fairy godmother. Cinderella asked, "Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years?"

The fairy godmother replied, "Cinderella, you have lived an exemplary life since I last saw you. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?"

Cinderella was taken aback, overjoyed, and after some thoughtful consideration, she uttered her first wish: "The prince was wonderful, but not much of an investor. I'm living hand to mouth on my disability checks and I wish I were wealthy beyond comprehension."

Instantly her rocking chair turned into solid gold Cinderella said, "Oh, thank you, Fairy Godmother".

The fairy godmother replied "it is the least that I can do. What do you want for your second wish?"

Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said, "I wish I were young and full of the beauty and youth I once had."

At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful young visage returned. Cinderella felt stirrings inside of her that had been dormant for years.

And then the fairy godmother spoke once more: "You have one more wish; what shall it be?"

Cinderella looks over to the frightened cat in the corner and says, "I wish for you to transform Bob, my old cat, into a kind and handsome young man."

Magically, Bob suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biological make-up that, when he stood before her, he was a man so beautiful the likes of him neither she nor the world had ever seen.

The fairy godmother said, "Congratulations, Cinderella, enjoy your new life." With a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, the fairy godmother was gone as suddenly as she appeared.

For a few eerie moments, Bob and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes. Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most beautiful, stunningly perfect man she had ever seen.

Then Bob walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair, and held her close in his young muscular arms. He leaned in close, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath as he whispered...

"Bet you're sorry you neutered me."

Mama and Papa Bear are getting divorced and the Judge is asking Baby Bear who he wishes to live with.

"So, is it Mama or Papa?" asks the Judge.

"Mama and Papa beat me," says Baby Bear.

"Well do you have any other relatives?" asked the Judge.

"I have an uncle in Chicago," replies Baby Bear.

"Does he beat you too?" asks the Judge.

"Naww," says Baby Bear. "The Chicago Bears don't beat anybody."

A monastery's bell ringer died and the monks put an ad in the paper for a new one.

The next day a man comes to the door to apply and he has no arms. The head monk says, "Sir, how can you ring our bell if you have no arms?"

The applicant replies, "Just give me a chance, take me to the bell tower and I'll show you."

They all go to the bell tower and ask him to show them how he plans to do it. The applicant gets a running start and slams his face into the bell: "RINNNNNNGGGGGGGG!!!"

Before anyone can stop him, he backs up and runs smack into the bell again and falls to the ground dead.

The head monk asks the others, "Did anyone catch his name?"

Another monk replies, "No, but his face sure rings a bell."

In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a woman waiting for a bus was wearing a tight leather skirt. As the bus stopped and she was about to board, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus. Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.

Again, she tried to make the step only to discover she still couldn't. So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more. For the second time, she attempted the step, and, once again could not raise her leg. With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to make the step.

About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.

She went ballistic and turned to the would-be good samaritan and screeched, "How dare you touch my body?! I don't even know who you are!"

The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends."

The devil visited a lawyer's office and made him an offer.

"I can arrange some things for you," the devil said.

"I'll increase your income five-fold. Your partners will love you. Your clients will respect you. You'll have four months of vacation each year and live to be a hundred. All I require in return is that your wife's soul, your children's souls, and their children's souls rot in hell for eternity."

The lawyer thought for a moment.

"What's the catch?" he asked.

After God created 24 hours of alternating darkness and light, one of the angels asked him, "what are you going to do now?"

God said, "I think I'm going to call it a day."

As I looked into her eyes across the candlelit table, I felt my knees go weak, my heart began to race and my stomach turned to butterflies.

That's when I realized I drugged the wrong glass!

A husband hires a private detective to find out if his wife is cheating on him.

The detective reports back and says he discovered, unfortunately, that she is.

"What happened?" asks the husband

"She went to a hotel and waited in the bar area. On three different occasions men came up to her, handed her $50 and she would give them a key. 5 minutes later she would disappear upstairs somewhere and then return after a while."

"Oh my god, d... do you think... Shes a prostitute? " asks the husband.

"I thought it was pretty obvious", says the detective, "but after the last fella came back down, I made sure."

"You confronted him?"

"No, I gave her $50."

I went to the doctors with hearing problems.

He said "Can u describe the symptoms?"

I said, "Homer's fat and Marge has blue hair."

A child asked his father, "Why do good people die young?"

His father responded, "When you are in a garden, which flower do you pick?"

The child responded, "The Ugly Ones."

The father, unprepared for that response, asked, "Why?"

"Because ugly bitches don't belong in my garden"

A man called the hotel manager and said "Come up quickly. I fought with my wife and now she wants to throw herself out the window!"

The manager replied, "Sir this is a personal matter and we can't get involved. I can call sec..."

The man interrupted "No! This is a maintenance issue. The window won't open!".

A man is on a photo safari in Africa, when he finds an elephant in distress, lying in the bushes. Upon inspection, he finds that the elephant has a large, sharp rock embedded in the bottom of its foot. He carefully pulls the rock free, and the elephant gets up and saunters away.

Almost a decade later he is back in his home town when a circus is visiting and they put on a parade. The man is watching all of the animals go past, when he notices, and makes eye contact with a large African elephant. The elephant immediately turns toward the man, picks him up in its trunk, slams him on the pavement and then stomps the life out of him.

It was a different elephant.

A man is sitting at a bar. After the third beer he decides to go home. He tries to walk out, but as soon as he is off his chair, he falls on the ground. He figures he's probably not drunk enough.

He orders another one, tries to go, but again falls on the ground.

After two more beers and tries he decides just to crawl home.

The next morning his wife says to him in the bed. "You were in the bar last night."

"How did you know?"

"The bartender called. You forgot your wheelchair."

A man sits next to a woman on the bus.

He says, "That's a very nice smelling perfume. I think I'd like to buy it for my wife - what brand is it? ".

She replies "Don't, it will just give idiots an excuse to talk to her."

A blind man walks into a bar.

The bartender says "Oh hey! I haven't seen you in forever!"

The blind man says "same"

After a Beer Festival in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer.

Corona's president sits down and says, "Senor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona."

The bartender takes a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.

Then Budweiser's president says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser."

The bartender gives him one.

Coors' president says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, the only one made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors."

He gets it.

The guy from Guinness sits down and says, "Give me a Coke."

The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask, "Why aren't you drinking a Guinness?"

The Guinness president replies, "Well, if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither will I."

An English man, Irish man and Scottish man are on a plane and the pilot comes out and issues everyone a challenge, "If you can guess where we are by sticking your hand out of the window ill give you 50 grand."

The Scottish man quickly jumps up and sticks his hand out of the window. "We are in Dundee," he guesses. The pilot shakes his head.

Then the Irish man tries. "We are in Dublin," he guesses. Again the pilot shakes his head.

Then the English man steps up. "We are in Liverpool," he says.

Shocked, the pilot answers, "Yes! That's right, but how did you know?"

The English man replies, "Because my watch has been stolen."

A programmer tells his wife, "I'm going to the store."

The wife says, "While you're there, buy some milk."

He never came back.

After watching Star Wars with my son for the first time today, he looked up at me and asked, "Daddy, why was R2D2 so dirty?"

Puzzled, I asked him what he meant.

He replied, "Well, they had to bleep out every word he said!"

I greeted the mailman at the door naked.

He freaked out.

Not so much because of my appearance, more because of how I knew where he lived.

Queen: Come to bed.

King: Not until I have a name for my Soldiers.

Queen: K, night.

King: My lady, you're a genius.

When I was about 17 or 18 I first noticed that my sister was a hottie.

First of all, - just for some background: My Mum died right when I was born, (she was actually really, really hot- but this isn't about her. I guess that's fucked up to say, but whatever.) I actually grew up with my dad's family, because my dad has all sorts of emotional issues and he bailed before I was born. So you can see, my childhood was really kind of messed up.

Anyways, growing up I feel like there was always a lot of distance between me and my sister. When I was about 17 or 18 I first noticed that my sister was a hottie.

I don't want to go into too many details about it, but basically what happened is that I accidentally found a video that she made of herself. I knew she didn't make it for me- but I thought she was so fucking beautiful that I watched it twice. I probably would have watched it a hell of a lot more, except that like right around the time I found the video, all this crazy shit went down and I had to leave home. (My dad's family who I was staying with got in bad trouble with the law. I never talk about it).

Sooo... I was totally lusting after my sister at that point. She was also having bad trouble with the law. She was actually in custody when I left home.

My friend and I went to go pick her up. When I saw her that day, after seeing the video, I have to be honest, I just wanted to fuck her brains out. Looking back on it now, it's pretty messed up- but I think she had feelings for me too. She actually kissed me right after we came to get her... and it wasn't a sisterly kiss, you know? I mean, it wasn't like ridiculously sexual or anything, but it definitely wasn't sisterly.

After we left, we all went to crash with my Sister's friends. On the trip there, my friend sort of implied that he wanted to get with my Sister, and I got a little jealous. He's a good looking guy- and even though she was my sister- I just felt like he was competition. Not much else happened between us for a while except some maybe-sexy hugging. Pretty much everyone in my life at that point was wanted by the government, so we all moved around a lot. I'm not saying that I'm proud of it or anything, but it was kind of an awesome time.

My friend and my sister never hooked up I don't think- but I thought there was some serious sexual tension going on between them. It was around that time that I got really badly hurt in an accident. It was fucked up. I almost died. But when I was in recovery my sister came to see me, and out of the clear blue sky she started gives me this awesome, slow, passionate kiss on the lips.

Sadly (although, I guess for the best) nothing ever came of it. We spent some time apart... and I started to get really religious, so I tried not to think of her that way. It was actually going well for a long time- like I was totally over her.

But I have to say, like a year or so after all that stuff went down, we were out sailing (not like a date or anything romantic like that), and she was wearing like the hottest bikini I've ever fucking seen and it brought back all the old feelings. Sigh.

A little while later she actually wound up with my friend from before (the sexual tension guy). I can't say I was surprised. But even after she was shacking up with my friend, there was one time we were at a party... my friend was inside, and my sister and I were outside alone.

It was a really intimate moment. I think something might have happened, except that I killed the mood when I told her that Darth Vader was our father and that I had to go face him.

A blonde calls her mom...

Blonde: "Mom mom!! I'm a genius!"

Mother: "Really dear? How's that possible?"

Blonde: "I finished a puzzle that I've been working on for 1 year and on the box it said 'for 2-5 yrs'."

Julia tells her husband, "James, that young couple that just moved in next door seem such a loving twosome.

Every morning, when he leaves the house, he kisses her goodbye, and every evening when he comes homes, he brings her a dozen roses.

Now, why can't you do that?"

"Gosh," James says, "why I hardly know the girl."

Teacher: How old is your father?

Johnny: As old as I am.

Teacher: How is it possible?

Little Johnny: He became father only after I was born.

The nurse told the parents of a newly born child, "You have a cute baby."

The smiling husband said, "I bet you say that to all new parents."

"No," she replied, "just to those whose babies really are good-looking."

The husband again asked "So what do you say to the others?"

The nurse replied, "The baby looks just like you."

Blonde: "What does IDK stand for?"

Brunette: "I don't know."

Blonde: "OMG, nobody does!"

Two students talk:

"What are you reading?"

"Quantum physics theory book."

"But why are you reading it upside-down?"

"It makes no difference anyway."

TEACHER: Well, at least there's one thing I can say about your son.

FATHER: What's that?

TEACHER: With grades like these, he couldn't be cheating.

The new office-boy came into his boss's office and said, "I think you re wanted on the phone, sir."

"What d you mean, you think?" demanded the boss.

"Well, sir, the phone rang, I answered it and a voice said is that you, you old fool?"

Little Johnny was in church, getting restless as the preacher's sermon dragged on and on.

Not able to take it anymore, he leaned over to his father and whispered,

"Hey, Dad, if we give him the money now, will he let us go?"

An FBI agent was interviewing a bank teller after the bank had been robbed 3 times by the same bandit:

"Did you notice anything special about the man?" asks the agent.

"Yes," replied the teller. "He was better dressed each time."

What's brown and very bad for your dental health?

A baseball bat.

Equation

Men = eat + sleep + earn money

Donkeys = eat + sleep

Therefore,

Men = Donkeys + earn money

Therefore,

Men - earn money = Donkeys

In other words,

Men that don't earn money = Donkeys

Did you hear about the annoying midget who went to a nudist colony?

He kept getting in everyone's hair.

A tourist on a farm asked the farmer why one pig had a wooden leg.

The farmer said, "That pig is the bravest pig I ever saw."

"So why does he have a wooden leg?" the tourist asked.

"One night, our house caught on fire, and he came inside and woke us all up."

The tourist asked again, "So, why does that pig have a wooden leg?"

"You can't eat a pig that brave all at once!"

What does an Irishman get after eating Italian food?

Gaelic breath.

How many Bill Clintons does it take to change a lightbulb?

He doesn't!

He whines a while, says "I feel your pain", and gets congress to pass a billion dollar light security bill, and blames Republicans and special interests for not making lightbulbs free.

An Irishman goes for a job on a building site.

The man says, "Can you brew tea?"

The Irishman says, "Yes."

"Good.

Can you drive a fork lift?"

The Irishman looks at him and asks, "Why?

How big is the teapot?"

A blonde was swimming.

She swam deeper and deeper until she drowned.

Her husband came home and found her dead in the bathtub.

A friend of mine just got divorced.

He and his ex-wife split the house.

He got the outside.

A guy walks into a bar owned by Eminem...

He says,"Give me 2 shots."

The bartender cuts him off saying,"You only get one shot!"

Dr: "Mr Smith, your wife is comfortable."

Husband: "I thought she was in a coma and critical condition."

Dr: "She is, the nurses are using her as a beanbag."

My neighbor knocked on my door at 3 AM.

3 AM, can you believe it?

Lucky him that I was awake playing drums.

Doctor: Hi how are you today?

Patient: I'm well thanks.

Doctor: Get the fuck out then.

I lost my job at the bank on my very first day.

A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.

The women I meet in bars have the WORST pickup lines...

They're like, "Hey, what's your friends name?"

Never works on me ladies.

A gorilla goes into a bar and orders a martini. This totally amazes the bartender, but he thinks, "What the heck, I guess I might as well make the drink." So he mixes the martini.

He then walks back over to the give it to the gorilla, and the animal is holding out a twenty-dollar bill. Well, now the bartender is just at a loss for words. He can't believe that a gorilla walked into his bar, ordered a martini, and then actually had a twenty-dollar bill to pay for it.

So, in amazement, he takes the twenty and walks to the cash register to make the change. While he's standing in front of the cash register he stops for a second and thinks to himself, "Let me try something here and see if the gorilla notices anything."

So he walks back over to the gorilla and hands him a dollar change. The gorilla doesn't say anything, he just sits there sipping the martini. After a few minutes the bartender just can't take it anymore.

"You know," he says to the gorilla, "we don't get too many gorillas in here."

And the gorilla says, "At nineteen dollars a drink I'm not surprised."

The sky above looked ominous, so I asked Siri, "Surely, it's not going to rain again today?!"

It replied, "It is and don't call me Shirley!"

Guess I forgot to take my phone off Airplane mode...

There were two friends drinking and one says to the other, "I have a trumpet that tells the time."

"The time?" the friend asks.

"Yes, yes look..." He grabs the trumpet and opens the window and starts to play it like crazy.

All of a sudden you can hear... "You $#@% it's 3 in the morning"

I visited Stockholm.

At first the place depressed me and I wanted to leave.

Now, I love the place so much and want to stay forever.

So the Pope is SUPER early for his flight.

He asks his driver on his way to the airport if he could drive around for a while because they have time to kill and he hasn't driven a car since becoming the pope.

Naturally, he's a bit rusty, so he's driving poorly, when suddenly he sees police lights behind him. He pulls over and when the officer comes up to the window his eyes go wide. He says to the pope "Hold on for a minute," and goes back to his car to radio the chief.

Cop: "Chief we have a situation. I've pulled over an important figure."

Chief: "How important? A governor or something?"

Cop: "No sir. He's bigger."

Chief: "So, what? a celebrity or something?"

Cop: "More important, sir."

Chief: "A major politician?"

Cop: "No sir, he's much more important."

Chief: "WELL WHO IS IT!?"

Cop: "Well actually I'm not sure. But the pope's his driver."

A guy walks into a bar and orders a fruit punch.

Bartender says, "Pal, if you want a punch you'll have to stand in line"

Guy looks around, but there is no punch line.

Two Italian men get on a bus. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but then she hears one of the men say the following:

"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time."

"You foul-mouthed swine," says the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"

"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sex? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi'."

A father has three sons. One is an accountant, one is an engineer and the other is a lawyer.

The father asks each of his three sons the same question, "What does two plus two equal?"

The accountant son answers, "Four point zero zero."

The engineer son answers, "Somewhere between 3.9999 and 4.0001."

Finally, the father asks his son the lawyer "What does two plus two equal?".

The lawyer pulls his father into the other room and closes the door. He then closes the blinds and motions for his father to come into the corner. He whispers, "What do you want it to equal?"

A man on his Harley was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, God said, "Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish." The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over any time I want."

God replied, "Your request is materialistic; think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind."

The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, "God, I wish that I, and all men, could understand women. I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, why she snaps and complains when I try to help, and how I can make a woman truly happy."

And then God said, "How many lanes do you want on that bridge?"

A chicken walks in to a bar.

The bartender says, "What'll be, chicken?"

The chicken says, "I'd like a nice pale ale with some type of a fruit flavor."

The bartender says, "You want the bar across the road."

Let me tell you how I became a millionaire:

First, I bought one apple for a dollar with my savings.

Then I went out on the street and sold it there for two dollars.

With the two dollars I bought two apples for 1$ each and again sold them for 2 dollars each.

Now I had 4 dollars and was able to buy 4 apples, which, you may have guessed, I sold for 2 dollars each.

Now I had 8 dollars and I bought 8 apples and so on and so on...

A few days later my aunt died and I inherited her assets.

A woman goes to a supermarket. After gathering her items, she goes to the checkout counter. The cashier looks at the items she bought: a jug of milk, a carton of eggs, and a head of lettuce The cashier says "You must be single" The woman says "Oh my god, how did you know?" The cashier responds: "Because you're ugly."

So, this guy walks into a bar with a Newt on his shoulder

The bartender says "that's a weird pet what's his name?" The guy responds, "oh, his name is Tiny." The bartender then asks "Well that's a weird name, why do you call him that?" And the guys answers "because he's my newt!"

So my girlfriend and my mom have never met...

So I told my girlfriend that my mother is deaf, so she will need to speak slowly and loudly for her to understand you. I then called my mom and told her to be nice, cause my girlfriend is retarded. Boy it's going to be a fun Thanksgiving this year!

Here's a joke for you.

Jews don't recognize Jesus. Protestants don't recognize the Pope. Baptists don't recognize each other in the liquor store. This last bit translates into some practical advice. If you go fishing, don't bring a Baptist; he'll drink all the beer. But if you bring two of them, you'll have it all to yourself.

A blonde woman waves a cab

She asks the cab driver "How much do you charge to drive me to the nearest airport?" The cab driver answers "Around 20 bucks" The woman then says "I'm carrying luggage, do these get charged?" Driver: "No, I don't charge for luggage" The woman smiles, leaves her luggage in the cab and then says "see you at the airport then, ill take the bus"

A couple walk Into the clubhouse after a round of golf.

The pro asks "how was you round?" The husband says "it was good but my wife got stung by a bee". "Where did she get stung?" "Between the first and second hole". The pro says "well her stance was too wide."

Gambling Problem

When I go to casinos, the most ridiculous sign I see is the one that says: "If you have a gambling problem, call 1-800-GAMBLER." I thought about it for a moment and dialed the number. When they answered I said, "I have an ace and a six. The dealer has a seven. What do I do?"

A Priest and a Prostitute

One night, a priest walked up to a prostitute he saw on the street corner. Hoping to shame her into mending her ways he asked "Young lady, what would your mother do if she saw you here tonight?" The prostitute went white and replied "Oh, she'd kill me! This is her corner!"

There were two guys playing golf, and a funeral passed

so one guy stopped, and waited for the funeral to pass before continuing with his game. His companion complimented him on his respect for the funeral, to which the guy replied, 'Well, its the least I could do, we were married for forty years!'

Billy was sleeping in his room when suddenly a flash of light appeared. A man was then standing in Billy's room. Billy was amazed. Billy asked "Who are you?" The man responded with "I'm you from the future" Billy was amazed to be able to meet his future self. He asked his older self "What will I be when I grow up?" The older Billy locked the door and said "A paedophile"

A priest and a taxi driver die and go to heaven.

St. Peter greets them. He takes the taxi driver to a large mansion. St. Peter than takes the priest to a slightly less nice house. "Wait," said the priest,"Why does the taxi driver get a nicer house than me?" St. Peter looked at his book and said,"It says here that when you preached, people slept, but when he drove, people prayed!"

A dog walks into a telegraph office, puts $1 on the counter and says: "Woof woof woof, woof woof, woof woof woof woof"

The operator says to the dog "It's $1 for 10 words, shall I put another woof on there?"

The dog then says, "But then that wouldn't make any sense!"

A man walks into a bar, and orders 10 times the amount of drinks as everyone else.

The barman says "now *that's* an order of magnitude!"

Two Irish men came down to give Mrs. O'Mally some bad news.

"We have some terrible news about your beloved husband, he fell into a vat of beer and drowned." "Oh my poor Patrick" she moaned "At least he died a sudden death and didn't suffer." "Well I don't know about that Mrs. O'Mally, he got out three times to go pee."

A rope walked into a bar. The bartender said, "We don't serve your kind here! No ropes allowed!" The rope left, tied his top end, and fluffed out the fringe. He reentered the bar, and the bartender said, "Hey! Aren't you that rope I just threw out?" "No," the rope said. "I'm a frayed knot."

*Teacher to Student* T: "Use the word 'centimeter' in a sentence"

S: "My grandma was arriving at the train station so I was centimeter" T: "No, no, that's 'Sent to meet her'. Okay, try another one. Use 'contagious' in a sentence please" S: "I had to wait at the train station for hours because it took that contagious!"

A man walks into a bar

... and stays there my entire childhood.

Two vampires walked into a bar and called for the bartender.

"I'll have a glass of blood," said one.

"I'll have a glass of plasma," said the other.

"Okay," replied the bartender, "That'll be one blood and one blood lite."

A man was on a walking holiday in Ireland. He became thirsty so decided to ask at a home for something to drink. The lady of the house invited him in and served him a bowl of soup by the fire. There was a wee pig running around the kitchen, running up to the visitor and giving him a great deal of attention. The visitor commented that he had never seen a pig this friendly. The housewife replied: "Ah, he's not that friendly. That's his bowl you're using."

How many film directors does it take to change a light bulb?

Just one, but he wants to do it thirty-two times and when he's finished everyone will think that his last light bulb was much better.

A rabbit came into a shop and asked, "Got any carrots?" The seller answered, "No!"

The next day the rabbit came again and asked, "Got any carrots?" The seller replied "No!"

Next day the rabbit came and asked, "Got any carrots?" The seller shouted, "No! And if you come again and ask for carrots, I'll take nails and hammer you on the wall by your ears!"

Early next morning the rabbit came back and asked, " Got any nails?" The seller answered, "No!" The rabbit asked, "Got any carrots?"

Some flies were playing football in a saucer, using a sugar lump as a ball.

One of them said: "We'll have to do better than this, lads. We're playing in the cup tomorrow."

Two Kentuckians are walking down different ends of a street toward each other, and one is carrying a sack. When they meet, one says, "Hey Tommy Ray, what'cha got in th' bag?"

"Jus' some chickens."

"If I guesses how many they are, can I have one?"

"Shoot, ya guesses right and I'll give you both of them."

"OK. Ummmmm ... five?"

Teacher: "Fred can you find me America on the map please?"

Fred: "There it is!"

Teacher: "Now, Johnny, who discovered America?"

Little Johnny: "Fred did!"

A dwarf goes to the gas station with his tiny car and says to the employee:
- Fill my car with one drop of benzine, please.
And the employee answers:
- Did you want me to fart in your tires, too?

3 little ducks go into a bar. "What's your name the barman asks the first duck?" "Huey" was the reply. "Hows your day been Huey?" "Great, I've been in and out of puddles all day ... what more could a duck want?"

"What's your name he asked the 2nd duck?" "Dewey" was the reply "... and I've been in and out of puddles all day as well."

He turned to the 3rd duck and said: "I suppose your Louie ...?" "No she said batting her eyelids ... my name is puddles!"

Three patients in a mental institution prepare for an examination given by the head psychiatrist. If the patients pass the exam, they will be free to leave the hospital. However, if they fail, the institution will detain them for five years. The doctor takes the three patients to the top of a diving board looking over an empty swimming pool, and asks the first patient to jump.

The first patient jumps head first into the pool and breaks both arms.

Then the second patient jumps and breaks both legs.

The third patient looks over the side and refuses to jump. "Congratulations! You're a free man. Just tell me why didn't you jump?" asked the doctor.

To which the third patient answered, "Well Doc, I can't swim!"

A man walked into a bar with a sandwich taped to his head.

The bartender said, "Why the hell do you have a sandwich taped to your head?"

The man replied, "My family always wears a sandwich hat on Wednesdays."

"It's Tuesday," said the bartender.

The man hung his head in shame and said, "Gosh, I must look pretty silly right now, then."

While reading an article about fathers and sons drinking together, I remembered the time I took my daughter out for her first drink. Off we went to our local bar only two blocks from the house.

I got her a Guinness. She didn't like it, so I drank it.

Then I got her a Killian's she didn't like that either, so I drank it.

Finally, I thought she might like some Harp Lager? She didn't. I drank it.

I thought maybe she'd like whiskey better than beer so we tried a Jameson's; nope!

In desperation, I had her try that 25 year old Glenfiddich. The bar's finest scotch. She wouldn't even smell it. What could I do but drink it!

By the time I realized she just didn't like to drink, I was so shit-faced I could hardly push her stroller back home!!!

A man and woman die on their way to get married.

They find themselves in a long line before the Pearly Gates. They spend time talking as they wait and decide to see if they can get married in heaven.

When it's their turn at the gate they ask St Peter if they even can get married in heaven. "That's a good question. Wait here and I will get you an answer"

St Peter leaves the couple and the minutes turn to hours, the hours turn to days. Finally after more than a week St Peter returns. He look exhausted and worn.

"Ok" he says "you can get married in heaven, go on in"

"But wait! Eternity is a long time. What if things don't work out? Can we get a divorce in heaven?" They ask.

St Peter levels an angry glare at the couple. "If it took me that long to find a priest in heaven, if you want a lawyer you can go to hell."

A Viking is arguing with his wife.

"It's definitely hail," says Gertha.

"No, it's rain!" says Rudolf.

"No, it's round and hard, it's hail!" She retorts.

Getting very flustered now, Rudolf shouts "Look! Rudolf the Red knows rain, dear!"

I saw my mother in Law tying herself to the train tracks. I couldn't believe what I was witnessing.

I looked at her, my eyes widened, and said, "Don't do it!"

"Why the hell not?!" she yelled.

"They aren't running today."

A woman passes away and finds herself at the Pearly Gates, with an angel showing her around. One thing she immediately notices is that there are a LOT of clocks in Heaven. Billions. She asks the angel who explains. "Everyone, past or present, gets a clock when they are born. Each time you tell a lie, the second hand moves once." She is amazed at this and goes looking.

She finds Mother Theresa's clock and notices it's moved three times. George Washington's clock hasn't moved at all. She's somewhat ashamed that her own is showing it's 9:00PM.

She begins hunting furiously, unable to find a specific one. Finally she gives up. "Where is Mitt Romney's clock!?"

"In Jesus's office. He uses it for a ceiling fan."

A young boy went up to his father and asked him, "Dad, what is the difference between the words 'potentially' and 'realistically'?"

The father thought for a moment, then answered, "Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then, ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that."

So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"

The mother replied, "Of course, I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great university!"

The boy then went to his sister and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"

The girl replied, "Oh, good heavens! I LOVE Brad Pitt and I would sleep with him in a heartbeat. Are you nuts?"

The boy then went to his brother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"

"Of course," the brother replied. "Do you know how much a million bucks would buy?"

The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to his dad.

His father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?"

The boy replied, "Yes, 'Potentially', you and I are sitting on three million dollars, but 'realistically', we're living with two hookers and a future congressman."

A guy walks into a bar with an octopus under his arm and sets it on top of the counter. He says, "I will give $5,000 to anyone that can hand this octopus a musical instrument it cannot play."

The first person hands it a trumpet. The octopus takes a look, spins it around, looks at it, and then proceeds to play it like Louie Armstrong.

The second person brings it an acoustic guitar. Again, the octopus checks it out, spins it around, checks it out again, and starts strumming it to the likes of Eric Clapton.

The third guy brought up a set of bagpipes and the octopus shows a bit of interest. He grabs ahold of it, spins it around, spins it around, checks it out, spins it around, and spins it around again. After a while the third person says, "Obviously this octopus has no clue how to play the bagpipes."

The octopus breaks his attention from the instrument and says to the man, "Play it? I'm going to fuck it once I can figure out how to take it's pajamas off."

An attractive young girl, chaperoned by an ugly old lady, entered the doctor ́s office.

"We have come for an examination," said the young girl.

"Alright," said the doctor. "Go behind that curtain and take your clothes off."

"No, not me," said the girl. "it's my old aunt here."

"Very well,"said the doctor. "Madam, stick out your tongue."

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to market herself as a handyman type and started canvasing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

The man said, "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"

The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?"

The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?" The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" the man asked.

"Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats." Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50.

"And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a porch, it's a Ferrari."

A man was exploring the African jungle and came upon a tribe of natives, their presence underscored by the distinctive and monotonous beating of drums. The man spoke with the tribe and they allowed him to stay with them and sleep on their grounds.

The first night, the man didn't sleep a wink due to the ongoing drumming so he spoke to the chief. "Chief, I got no sleep last night. Could you maybe stop the drumming for a night so I could rest."

The chief replied, "The drums must not stop."

The man figured it was their culture and focused on enjoying the day, studying and spending time with the tribe.

That night, the drums again kept the man awake for the whole night and in the morning he spoke with the chief. "Chief, please! I need some sleep; couldn't the drums cease for just one night for my health?"

The chief replied, "The drums must not stop."

The man, frustrated, let the issue drop and tried to focus on the day at hand, but could not focus due to lack of sleep and the incessant pounding of the drums.

That night, the beating of the drums left the man sleepless yet again in the morning he angrily approached the chief. "Chief, I've just about had it. The drums must stop; it is impossible to get and rest with them."

The chief replied, "The drums must not stop."

"Why! Why can the drums not stop? What happens when the drums stop?!"

The chief replied, "Bass solo."

A reporter asked Trump, "What does the J stand for in Donald J Trump?"

Trump replied, "The J stands for Genius."

A boy to his dad: "What's polygamy?"

"It's having one wife too many", he says.

"And what is monogamy?"

"... the same"

I went to the zoo and saw a baguette in the cage

The zookeeper said it was bread in captivity.

A girl in a restaurant asked me "Are you single?"

"Yes, in fact", I happily replied.

Then she took away the extra chair in front of me.

Robin was having problems starting the Batmobile, so he went to Batman and said, "The Batmobile won't start! What do we do?"

"Have you checked the battery?" asked Batman.

Confused, Robin asked, "What's an Ery?"

An Alaskan was on trial in Anchorage.

The prosecutor leaned menacingly toward him and asked:

"Where were you on the night of October to April?"

It's easy to tell the gender of any animal - just give it some food!

If she eats the food, then it's a girl.

But if he eats the food, then it's a boy.

What do you call 1,000 heavily armed lesbians?

Militia Etheridge.

Why did the fat turkey cross the road?

To get hit by my car.

An Irish doctor was puzzled with his patient. He said, "I'm very sorry but I can't diagnose your problem, Mahoney. I think it must be alcohol. "

"Don't worry about it, Dr. Kelley," replied the patient, "I'll come back when you're sober."

I went to the shop to buy 6 cans of Sprite.

It's only when I got home I realised I had picked 7 up.

A fat woman walks into a butcher shop and asks, "How much for the pig's head?"

The bartender pauses and replies, "Ma'am, that's a mirror."

My neighbour is in the Guinness book of world records.

He has had 44 concussions. He lives very close to me. Just a stone's throw away, in fact.

There is a mysterious crime spree going on at the local IKEA.

But the police are having a hard time putting the pieces together.

Wife: Our new neighbor always kisses his wife when he leaves for work. Why don't you do that?

Me: Because I hardly know her.

"Relax Peter, it's just a small cut with a scalpel, no need to be nervous," said the doctor.

"Doctor, my name isn't Peter..."

"I know, I'm Peter."

A police man pulled over a miner.

The police man asks, "Whose car is this? Where are you going? And what do you do?"

The miner responds, "Mine".

Pilot: "Tower, please call me a fuel truck."

Tower: "Roger. You are a fuel truck."

What kind of snake is good at math?

An adder.

A family is driving in their car on a holiday.

A frog crosses the road and the husband, who is driving, is able to stop the car.

He gets out an takes the frog and carries him to the side of the road.

The frog is grateful. He thanks the man, and tells him that he will grant him one wish.

The man says, "Please make my dog win the next dog race."

The frog asks to look at the dog which jumps out of the car.

The frog notices that the dog only has three legs and tells the man that he thinks it is almost impossible to fulfill his wish. He asks the man to ask for another wish.

The man says, "Well, then please help that my wife to win the next beauty contest in the area."

The frog asks him to tell his wife to get out of the car.

The wife comes out of the car and approaches the frog.

The frog turns to the man and says, "Could I please have another look at the dog?"

A man walks into a sofa.

Couch!

Mum, is it true my baby sister came from Heaven?

Yes, that's right.

Well, I don't blame God for throwing her out.

The defendant stood up in the dock and said to the judge, "I don't recognize this court!"

"Why?" asked the Judge.

"Because you've redecorated - and I love it!"

A quantum physicist gets pulled over.

The police officer asks "Sir, do you have any idea how fast you were going?" The quantum physicist responds "No, but I know exactly where I am."

Patient: I always see spots before my eyes.

Doctor: Didn't the new glasses help?

Patient: Yes, now I see the spots much clearer.

Teacher: "This note from your father looks like your handwriting?"

Little Johnny: "Well, yes, he borrowed my pen!"

A mugger jumps out in front of a university student and shouts "your money or your life!"

The student keeps walking, and says "Sorry mate, I'm a Computer Science student. I don't have either".

"Son, I don't think you're cut out to be a mime."

"Was it something I said?" asks the son.

"Yes."

A mathematician stumbles home drunk at 3 a.m. and his wife is livid. "You SWORE that you'd be home by 11:45!"

"No," slurs the mathematician. "I said I'd be home by a quarter of 12."

A word of advice: Don't run behind cars.

You'll get exhausted.

Two blondes were driving to Disneyland.

The sign said "Disneyland Left."

So they started crying and headed home.

Bob told his wife, "I can't work for my boss anymore after what he said to me".

Wife: What did he say?

Bob: You're fired

A kid called up his mom from his college and asked her for some money, because he ran out of it.

His mom said, "Sure, sweetie. I'll will send you some money. You also left your calculus book here when you visited 2 weeks ago. Do you want me to send that up too?"

"Uhh, oh yeah, okay," responded the kid.

So his mom wrapped the book along with the checks up in a package and went to the post office to mail the money and the book.

When she gets back, her husband asked, "Well how much did you give the boy his time?"

She said, "Oh, I wrote 2 checks, one for $20 and the other for $1000 out to him."

"That's $1020!" yelled her husband. "Are you crazy?"

"Don't worry, Hon," she said.

"I taped the $20 check to the cover of his book, but I put the $1000 one somewhere between the pages in chapter 19!"

Me: "Judge, 60% of my parking tickets are bogus!!"

Judge: "Repeat infractions?"

Me: "Ok, 3/5 of my parking tickets are bogus!"

A man took his father to a nursing home for the first time. His father was an elderly man, who had to be in a wheelchair. They toured the facility by themselves and at the end of the tour, the man told his father that he needed to use the restroom and would leave him in the common area for a few minutes to decide whether this place was right for him.

A moment passed, and the father started to lean to his right side very slowly, to which a nurse at the desk promptly rushed up to him, leaned him back upright and put a pillow on his right side, and then went on to take care of another patient.

After another moment passed, the father started leaning to his left side, to which another nurse who was passing by, promptly leaned him back upright and put a pillow on his left side, and then went on to take care of another patient.

After another moment passed, the father started leaning forward in his wheelchair, to which a third nurse noticed this, promptly leaned him back to upright and put 3 pillows on his lap, and then went on to take care of another patient.

The man returned, and upon seeing his elderly father with pillows says, "Wow Pop, you look very comfortable! What do you think of this place?"

The father, frowned, turned to his son and said, "Son, this place is horrible, they don't even let you fart here!"

A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub.

She gestures alluringly to the bartender who comes over immediately.

When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers.

When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard which is full and bushy.

"Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands.

"Actually, no," he replied.

"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said, running her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair.

"I'm afraid I can't," breathes the bartender, clearly in trouble. "Is there anything I can do?"

"Yes there is. I need you to give him a message," she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

"Tell him that there is no toilet paper in the ladies room."

My wife left me.

According to her, she is sick of me talking behind her back and pushing her around.

In my defence, she's in a wheelchair.

First Boy: Why is your brother always flying off the handle?

Second Boy: Because he's got a screw loose!

A farmer in the country has a watermelon patch and upon inspection he discovers that some of the local kids have been helping themselves to a feast.

The farmer thinks of ways to discourage this profit-eating situation. So he puts up a sign that reads: "WARNING! ONE OF THESE WATERMELONS CONTAINS CYANIDE!" He smiled smugly as he watched the kids run off the next night without eating any of his melons.

The farmer returns to the watermelon patch a week later to discover that none of the watermelons have been eaten, but finds another sign that reads: "NOW THERE ARE TWO!"

A woman gave her two sons to different families for adoption.

One goes to an Egyptian family and is called Amal.

The second child goes to Spain and is called Juan.

Many years later, Juan sends his mother a photo of himself.

She turns to her sister saying that she wished that she had a photo of her other son.

The sister responded "Hey, they are identical twins. If you have seen Juan, you have seen Amal."

Once there was a king who had 10 wild dogs. He used them to torture and eat all the ministers who made mistakes.

Once, one of the ministers gave an opinion which was wrong, and which the king didn't like at all. So he ordered for the minister to be thrown to the dogs.

So the minister said, "I served you 10 years and you do this..? Please give me 10 days before you throw me in with those dogs!"

So the king agreed. In those 10 days the minister went to the guard that was guarding the dogs and told him he wants to serve the dogs for the next 10 days. The guard was baffled, But he agreed.

So the minister started feeding the dogs, cleaning them, washing them, providing all sorts of comfort to them.

When the 10 days were up, the king ordered that the minister be thrown in to the dogs as his punishment. But when he was thrown in, everyone was amazed at what they saw. They saw the dogs licking the feet of the minister!

So the king, baffled at what he saw, said, "What happened to my dogs?!"

The minister then said, "I served the dogs for 10 days and they didn't forget my service. Yet I served you for 10 years and you forgot it all on the first mistake!"

So the king realised his mistake and got wolves instead.

The final paper is due for a large class at Harvard, worth 50% of the grade. The professor has made it very clear that the paper must be turned in by 2 P.M. on the dot.

He stands at his office door as 2 PM approaches, collecting papers from the last few stragglers. As the clock strikes 2, he turns to go back into his office, when a student runs up to him, paper in hand. "Professor, professor!" The student says. "I'm so sorry. Please, I'm only a few seconds late, will you make an exception just this once?"

"Sorry," says the professor. "I was very clear about the deadline for this assignment."

The student gets angry. "DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?!"

"No..." says the professor.

"Good!" the student says, and shoves his work into the stack of papers and runs off.

A Politician wanted to build a bridge. So, he calls 3 engineering firms. One is Chinese, another is American, and the last one is Brazillian. The politician calls the heads of all the 3 firms to his office.

He asks the Chinese head, "How much do you take to build the bridge?"

He says, "3 Million Dollars. 1 Million for the workers, 1 Million for materials, 1 million for the profit."

The Politician asks the American head, "How much do you take to build the bridge?"

He says, "6 Million Dollars. 2 Million for the workers, 2 Million for materials, 2 million for the profit."

Finally, the Politician asks the Brazillian head, "How much do you take to build the bridge?"

He replies, "9 Million Dollars."

Surprised, the Politician asks him, "Why? Why so much?"

To which he replies, "3 Million for me, 3 Million for you, and 3 Million for the Chinese guy to build the bridge."

A snake and a rabbit were racing along a pair of intersecting forest pathways one day, when they collided at the intersection.

They immediately began to argue with one another as to who was at fault for the mishap.

When the snake remarked that he had been blind since birth, and thus should be given additional leeway, the rabbit said that he, too, had been blind since birth.

The two animals then forgot about the collision and began commiserating concerning the problems of being blind.

The snake said that his greatest regret was the loss of his identity.

He had never been able to see his reflection in the water, and for that reason did not know exactly what he looked like, or even what he was.

The rabbit declared that he had the same problem.

Seeing a way that they could help each other, the rabbit proposed that one feel the other from head to toe, and then try to describe what the other animal was.

The snake agreed, and started by winding himself around the rabbit.

After a few moments, he announced, "You've got very soft, fuzzy fur, long ears, big rear feet, and a little fuzzy ball for a tail.

I think that you must be a bunny rabbit!"

The rabbit was much relieved to find his identity, and proceeded to return the favor to the snake.

After feeling about the snake's body for a few minutes, he asserted, "Well, you're scaly, you're slimy, you've got beady little eyes, you squirm and slither all the time, and you've got a forked tongue.

I think you're a lawyer!"

Doctor: It looks like you're pregnant.

Woman: I'm pregnant?

Doctor: No it just looks like you are.

Several years ago, Andy was sentenced to prison.

During his stay, he got along well with the guards and all his fellow inmates.

The warden saw that deep down, Andy was a good person and made arrangements for Andy to learn a trade while doing his time.

After 3 years, Andy was recognized as one of the best carpenters in the local area.

Often he would be given a weekend pass to do odd jobs for the citizens of the community, and he always reported back to prison before Sunday night was over.

The warden was thinking of remodeling his kitchen and in fact had done much of the work himself.

But he lacked the skills to build a set of kitchen cupboards and a large counter top which he had promised his wife.

So he called Andy into his office and asked him to complete the job for him.

But, alas, Andy refused.

He told the warden, "Gosh, I'd really like to help you but counter fitting is what got me into prison in the first place."

An Irish girl tells her mom she decided to be a prostitute.

Her mom says, "A WHAT?!!"

The daughter says, "A prostitute."

"Thank god," says the mom. "I thought you said a Protestant."

A horse walks into a bar and says, "On a right-angled triangle with sides X, Y and Z, if X and Z are perpendicular, which side is opposite the right angle?"

The bartender says, "Y, the long face."

Every night after dinner, Harry took off for the local watering hole.

He would spend the whole evening there and always arrive home, well inebriated, around midnight each night.

He usually had trouble getting his key to fit the keyhole and couldn't get the door open.

And, every time this happened, his wife would go to the door and let him in.

Then, she would proceed to yell and scream at him for his constant nights out and coming home in a drunken state.

But, Harry still continued his nightly routine.

One day, the distraught wife was talking to a friend about her husband's behavior.

The friend listened and suggested, "Why don't you treat him a little differently when he comes home? Instead of berating him, why don't you give him some loving words and welcome him home with a kiss? Then, he might change his ways."

The wife thought this might be a good idea.

That night, Harry took off again after dinner.

And, at about midnight, he arrived home in his usual condition.

His wife heard him at the door.

She quickly opened it and let Harry in.

Instead of beating him as she had always done, this time she took his arm and led him into the living room.

She sat Harry down in an easy chair, put his feet up on the foot stool, and took his shoes off.

Then, she went behind him and started to cuddle him a little.

After a short while, she whispered to Harry, "It's pretty late, dear. I think we should go upstairs to bed now, don't you think?"

Harry replied in his inebriated state, "Heck, I guess we might as well. I'll get in trouble when I get home anyway!"

Yttrium-barium-copper oxide walks into a bar

The bartender tells him, "We don't serve superconductors here."

He leaves without resistance.

A man calls the fire department and says, "Yes, I have just had my front yard landscaped, I have a nice new flower bed, a new fish pond with a fountain and a new rose garden."

"Very nice," the firefighter says, "but what does that have to do with the fire service?"

"Well," the man answers, "the house next door is on fire and I don't want you to trample my front yard."

A blonde was headed to Detroit.

She got on the plane and sat down in first class.

A few minutes later, a flight attendant came up to her and told her that her ticket was for coach and she had to move from the seat.

She refused.

The flight attendant was persistent, but the blonde replied, "No, I want to sit here, I've always wanted to see what it is like in first class."

The flight attendant was getting frustrated.

Finally, after quite some time, she convinced her to move.

Another passenger who overheard the conversation asked the attendant, "How did you get her to move?"

The flight attendant replied, "I told her that first class doesn't stop in Detroit."

Wife: "Dear God, I wish you could make my husband pay more attention to me, protect me, take me out, sleep close to me at night. I wish he would be more caring even if I got the smallest of scratches."

God then turned her into a smartphone.

A guy was in the store buying a fake Christmas tree. The shop attendant asked him, "Are you going to put that tree up yourself?"

The guy replied, "Don't be disgusting! I'm going to put it in the living room!"

A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.

Saint Peter addresses this guy, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?"

The guy replies, "I'm Joe Cohen, taxi-driver, of New York City."

Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi-driver, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven." The taxi-driver goes into Heaven with his robe and staff.

It's the minister's turn now. He stands erect and booms out, "I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Saint Mary's for the last forty-three years."

Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the minister, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."

"Just a minute," says the minister. "That man was a taxi-driver and he gets a silken robe and golden staff. How can this be?"

"Up here, we work by results," says Saint Peter. "While you preached, people slept; while he drove, people prayed."

A mother in Law doesn't trust her sons-in-law, so she decides to test them.

First, she goes to the oldest's house. She jumps into a well, but her son-in-law rescues her promptly. The next morning, the oldest son-in-law finds a brand new Suzuki in front of his house with a little note: "Lots of love, your mother in Law."

The next day, she goes to her second son-in-law's house. She jumps into a well once again. Her son-in-law rescues her, but only after pondering about the decision for a while. The next morning, the second son-in-law finds a second-hand bicycle in front of his house with a little note: "Love, your mother in Law."

Finally, the next day she goes to see her third son-in-law. She jumps into a well, but the youngest son-in-law doesn't rescue her, so she drowns and dies. The next morning, the youngest son-in-law finds a splendid new Porsche in front of his house with a little note: "Thank you. Your loving father-in-law."

Comments made by Programmers when their programs don't work:

Strange...

I've never heard about that.

It did work yesterday.

Well, the program needs some fixing.

How is this possible?

The machine seems to be broken.

Has the operating system been updated?

The user has made an error again.

There is something wrong in your test data.

I have not touched that module!

Yes yes, it will be ready in time.

You must have the wrong executable.

Oh, it's just a feature.

I'm almost ready.

Of course, I just have to do these small fixes.

It will be done in no time at all.

It's just some unlucky coincidence.

I can't test everything!

THIS can't do THAT.

Didn't I fix it already?

It's already there, but it has not been tested.

It works, but it's not been tested.

Somebody must have changed my code.

There must be a virus in the application software.

Even though I t does not work, how does it feel?

How come you didn't find it during the system testing?

It's a setup problem.

And the Ultimate: A smart user would never do that!

A cop pulls over a driver.

"Have you been drinking, sir?" says the cop.

"Why?" says the driver. "Is there a fat chick in my car?"

An old man on crowded bus has trouble finding a seat.

The bus careened down the avenue, shaking the passengers from left to right, and the old man, unable to support himself properly with his cane, fell to the floor.

Little Johnny, sitting nearby, looked down at him and said, "If you put a little rubber cap on the end of your cane, you wouldn't fall like that."

The old man looked up and replied, "If your daddy had done the same, I would have a place to sit on this stupid bus."

Two girlfriends were speeding down the highway at well over a 100 miles per hour.

"Hey," asked the brunette at the wheel, "see any cops following us?"

The blonde turned around for a long look. "As a matter of fact, I do."

"Oh, NOOOO!" yelled the brunette. "Are his flashers on?"

The blonde turned around again. "Yes... no... yes... no...yes..."

A lawyer, an engineer and a mathematician were called in for a test.

The engineer went in first and was asked, "What is 2+2?"

The engineer thought awhile and finally answered, "4."

Then the mathematician was called in and was asked the same question.

With little thought he replied, "4.0"

Then the lawyer was called in, and was asked the same question.

The lawyer answered even quicker than the mathematician, "What do you want it to be?"

A wife overhears her husband watching tv.

"No, don't do it!" yells the man.

A moment later the man yells even louder, "Don't do it, you idiot!"

The wife asks, "What are you watching?"

"Our wedding tape."

There once was a man who made dead houses;
Stored them under his home with the bugs and the mouses;

The coffins he made were of rich sleek wood;
He built them as big, yet as fast as he could;

For his caskets were haunted and were said to walk;
one night he went to his basement, and one started to rock;

It moved towards him, his insides began to soften;
So he pulled out some Halls, cause Halls stops the coffin.

A shy priest greets the wedding guests to the Chapel. He's very nervous and doesn't say much.

As the couple approach the altar the priest steps up and gives the best speech anyone has ever heard. He's full of confidence, incredibly expressive and has everyone in fits of laughter!

After the vows, the priest is extremely shy and barely says a word to anyone.

The groom approaches the him and asks, "Why are you so shy? You seemed like a different person when you were giving that speech!"

"I know..." Says the priest, "but that was just my altar ego".

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner. "Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners."

"Go away!" said the old lady. "I'm broke and haven't got any money!" She proceeded to close the door.

Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open. "Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration."

And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet. "If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder."

The old lady stepped back and said, "Well let me get you a fork, 'cause they cut off my electricity this morning."

A blonde goes into a near by store and asks the clerk if she can buy the TV in the corner.

The store clerk looks at her and says that he doesn't serve blondes, so she goes back home and dyes her hair black.

The next day and asks the same thing, and again he said he doesn't serve blondes.

Frustrated, the blonde goes back home and dyes her hair yet again, to a shade of red.

Sure the clerk would sell her the TV by now, she returns and asks a different clerk this time.

To her astonishment, this clerk also says she doesn't serve blondes as well.

The blonde asks the clerk, "How in the world do you know I'm a blonde?"

The clerk looks at her and says, "That's not a TV- it's a microwave!"

Three Russians are sitting together in the train that takes them to the Gulag.

One of them asks the two others: "So what did you do?"

The first one answers: "Well, I arrived late at the factory, and so they accused me of slowing down the Revolution and the victory of the Proletariat."

The second one answers: "Well, I arrived early at the factory, and so they accused me of wanting to be favored and promoted over my fellow workers."

Then they turn to the one who asked the question: "How about you, then?"

"Well, I arrived at the factory right on time, and so they accused me of having a watch from the West."

While sports fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat.

He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft.

Spotting an old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted,"Are there any gators around here?!"

"Naw," the man hollered back, "they ain't been around for years!"

Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming leisurely toward the shore.

About halfway there he asked the guy, "How'd you get rid of the gators?"

"We didn't do nothin'," the beachcomber said.

"The sharks got 'em."

Boudreaux, the smoothest-talking Cajun in the Louisiana National Guard, got called up to active duty. Boudreaux's first assignment was in a military induction center.

Because he was a good talker, they assigned him the duty of advising new recruits about government benefits, especially the GI insurance to which they were entitled. The officer in charge soon noticed that Boudreaux was getting a 99% sign-up rate for the more expensive supplemental form of GI insurance. This was remarkable, because it cost these low-income recruits $30.00 per month for the higher coverage, compared to what the government was already providing at no charge. The officer decided he'd sit in the back of the room at the next briefing and observe Boudreaux's sales pitch.

Boudreaux stood up before the latest group of inductees and said, "If you has da normal GI insurans an' you goes to Afghanistan an' gets youself killed, da govment' pays you benefishery $20,000. If you takes out da suppmental insurans, which cost you only t'irty dollars a munt, den da governmen' gots at pay you benefishery $400,000!"

"Now," Boudreaux concluded, "which bunch you tink dey gonna send at Afghanistan first?"

Three lawyers are buying tickets for a train to Chicago. Ahead of them in line, three engineers purchase a single ticket. One of the lawyers asks, "How are you going to travel with just a ticket between the three of you?"

"Watch and you'll see," winks one of the engineers.

The train arrives, and the six of them climb on. The three lawyers take their seats while the three engineers pile into a bathroom. The train gets underway. A conductor starts making his rounds. Noticing the bathroom is occupied, he knocks on the door and asks, "Ticket, please."

The door cracks open a hair, and a single ticket is offered. The conductor punches it, and continues on. The three lawyers admit that this is a good trick, and that they should try it on their next journey.

As luck would have it, after spending a few days in Chicago, they see that the three engineers will be on board their train. The lawyers purchase a single ticket for the three of them, while the engineers don't buy a ticket at all. One of the lawyers asks, "How are you going to ride, if you don't have a ticket?"

"Watch and you'll see," came the reply.

The lawyers get on the train, and scramble into a bathroom. The engineers cram themselves into an adjacent bathroom. The train leaves, and picks up speed.

One of the engineers gets out of the bathroom, walks over to the lawyers' bathroom, and knocks. "Ticket, please."

A husband and wife grow distressed as more and more uninvited guests swarm into their party.

The husband has a plan. He moves to the front, manages to get everyone's attention, and calls out, "If you're from the groom's side, please stand up."

About one fourth of the guests stands up. He calls out, "Those from the bride's side, please stand up." Another one fourth of the guests stands up.

He smiles and says, "If you are standing up, please leave. This is a birthday party."

What do you call a woman who has lost 95 percent of her intelligence?

Divorced.

Two bone weary public servants were working their little hearts and souls out. Their department was just too busy for staff to be able take flex. But there had to be a way ...

One of the two public servants suddenly lifted his head. "I know how to get some time off work" the man whispered.

"How?" asked the second worker.

Instead of answering, the man quickly looked around. No sign of his Director. He jumped up on his desk, kicked out a couple of ceiling tiles and hoisted himself up. "Look!" he hissed, then swinging his legs over a metal pipe, hung upside down.

Within seconds, the Director emerged from the Branch Head's office at the far end of the floor. He saw the worker hanging from the ceiling, and asked him what on Earth he thought he was doing.

"I'm a light bulb" answered the public servant.

"I think you need some time off," barked the Director. "Get out of here - that's an order - and I don't want to see you back here for at least another two days! You understand me?"

"Yes sir", the public servant answered meekly, then jumped down, logged off his computer and left.

The second worker was hot on his heels.

"Where do you think you're going?" the boss asked.

"Home," he said lightly. "I can't work in the dark."

Bob walks into a sports bar around 9:58 PM. He sits down next to this blonde at the bar and stares up at the TV.

The 10:00 news was just coming on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building about to jump.

The blonde looks at Bob and says, "Do you think he'll jump?"

Bob says, "You know, I bet he will."

The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."

Bob placed $20 on the bar and said, "You're on!"

Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy did a swan dive off of the building, falling to his death.

The blonde was very upset and handed her $20 to Bob.

"Fair is fair," she says. "Here's your money."

Bob replies, "I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 o'clock news and knew he would jump."

The blonde replies, "I saw that too, but I didn't think he'd do it again."

The drunken wino was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter.

A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, sir. You're obviously drunk"

The wasted wino asked, "Ociffer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?"

"Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the cop. "Let's go."

Obviously relieved, the wino said, "That's a relief - I thought I was a cripple."

A young man is found fishing near a pond by a police officer. His bucket of fish is full.

Cop: "Do you have your fishing permit on you young man?"

Fisherman: "No sir. They're my fish. I brought them from home."

Cop: "What do you mean brought them from home?"

Fisherman: "Every day I come here and let the fish swim in the pond, and then I call them back."

Cop: "What? How?"

Fisherman: "I whistle at them and they jump back into the bucket."

Cop: "Show me."

At this point the young man empties his bucket and stands still.

Cop: "So..."

Fisherman: "So what?"

Cop: "Call the fish!!"

Fisherman: "What fish?"

"Did you just say something?"

"Uhhh nope?" "Really? I could swear you just asked me if I wanted a hotdog."

"No I didn't."

"Good, because I'm vegan."

Why do Republican tax cuts always expire in ten years or less?

They want to make them thirty but keep running out of fingers.

So I'm driving from Santa Fe to Albuquerque when I see an American Indian lying on the road with his ear to the ground. Curious, I pull over, walk up to him and ask, "Excuse me, what are you doing?"

He says, "Silver 1991 Chevy station wagon, one man, one woman, two children."

I say, "Wow, you can tell all that just by listening to the road?"

He says, "No, they just ran me over!"

What do you call a bunch of Blondes in Antarctica?

Frosted Flakes.

So, a stutterer was a wedding.

He stand's up and says, "hip, hip."

And then everyone on the wedding party said with their glasses raised, "HURRAY"

The stutterer, tried again, but louder, "HIP!! HIP!!"

Everyone raised their glasses again and shouted out of their lungs! "HUURRAAAAY!!!!!"

The stutterer, again, yelled with both arms raised! "HIIPPPP!! HIPPP!!!"

Everyone on the party became one, all the happiness expressed with one single shout, "HURRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!!"

But then, everyone was killed by a herd of Hippopotamuses.

Roses are red

Violets are purple

I just got raped by a clown

My mom tripped and dropped the basket of clothes she'd just ironed.

It may sound far-fetched, but it's true - I watched it all unfold.

A little girl asks her grandpa, "Would you make a frog noise for me, Grandpa?"

The grandpa, confused, asks, "Why?"

The little girl replies, "Dad says when you croak we are all going to Disneyland".

A man walks into a bar and orders a shot then looks into his pocket.

He does this over and over again.

Finally the bartender asks why he orders a shot and after drinking it he looks into his pocket.

The man responded " I have a picture of my wife in there and when she starts to look good then I'll go home."

A man walks into a bar and spies two lovely women sitting by the entrance. As he walks towards the bar, he sees one tap the other shoulder and point at him. She looks him up and down and says "9", followed by giggling.

The man goes over to his buddy and boasts that the two lovely ladies by the entrance had said he was a 9.

"Yeah, sorry man, but when I walked in they were speaking German."

I had a job interview recently, and the interviewer slid his laptop across the table and said "sell this to me."

I closed the screen, unplugged it, and left. I ignored his calls for about three hours. When I did answer, he said "Where is my laptop?!"

"You wanna buy it?"

So some racehorses are chatting in the stables. When one starts to boast of his track record. "Out of my last 15 races, I've won 8!"

"That's nothing, I've won 19 of my last 27," said another.

"Oh that's good," says an older horse. "But out of my last 36 races, I've won 28!"

At this point the racehorses notice that a greyhound had been siting silently, listening into the conversation. "Excuse me gentlemen. But out of my last 72 races. I've won 70 of them," says the greyhound smugly.

"Holy Fuck!" Exclaimed one of the horses. "A Talking Dog?"

I went to the dentist.

I sat down in the chair and he said, "Open up for me..."

"OK," I said, "my parents don't love me very much."

I just bought the new iPhone, but my son dropped it and the screen shattered.

Anyways I'm doing a giveaway!

The kid is 8 years old, cute, thin and not really tall.

A husband went to the police station to file a "missing person" report for his missing wife.

Husband: I lost my wife, she went shopping hasn't come back yet.

Inspector: What is her height?

Husband: Average, I guess.

Inspector: Slim or "healthy"?

Husband: Not slim, but probably healthy.

Inspector: Color of eyes?

Husband: Never noticed.

Inspector: Color of hair?

Husband: Changes according to season.

Inspector: What was she wearing?

Husband: Not sure, either a dress or a suit.

Inspector: Was she driving?

Husband: Yes.

Inspector: Color of the car?

Husband: Black Audi A8 with supercharged 3.0 litre V6 engine generating 333 horse power and an eight-speed tiptronic automatic transmission with manual mode. It also has full LED headlights, which use light emitting diodes for all light functions and has a very thin scratch on the front left door... and then the husband started crying

Inspector: Don't worry sir,...We will find your car.

My deaf girlfriend was talking in her sleep last night.

She nearly took my fucking eye out.

You are on a horse, galloping at a constant speed. On your right side is a sharp drop off, and on your left side is an elephant traveling at the same speed as you. Directly in front of you is another galloping horse, but your horse is unable to overtake it. Behind you is a lion running at the same speed as you and the horse in front of you. What do you do to get yourself out of this dangerous situation?

Get your drunk ass off the merry-go-round.

I've been trying to buy a train ticket online for over an hour now.

It's really pissing me off. Every time it asks me, "Where do you want to go?" So I click on the 'Home' icon and it starts all over again.

What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a flashing yellow traffic light?

The color.

Kid: Waaaahhhhh! MY TOY IS BROKEN!

Dad: Nothing a little duct tape can't fix.

Kid: mrnm... mmrm.. rnmr...

Linda had a heart attack and was brought to the emergency room while clinically dead. The doctors managed to revive her, but during her coma she saw a bright light and God appeared to her.

She asked him, "Tell me, God, is it true that vaccines could cause autism?"

"No, autism is a condition that develops during pregnancy."

After getting well, she met her friends and told them about her experience: "Girls, I have awful news: the conspiracy goes way higher than we've thought"

Fred: Thank you so much for lending me that money. I shall be forever in your debt.

Harry: That's what I'm afraid of!

A blonde rings up an airline.

She asks, "How long are your flights from America to England?"

The woman on the other end of the phone says, "Just a minute..."

The blonde says, "Thanks!" and hangs up the phone.

Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprimand the child.

Smiling sweetly, the Sunday school teacher said, "Johnny, when I was a little girl, I was told if that I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that."

Little Johnny looked up and replied, "Well, Ms Smith, you can't say you weren't warned."

The teacher wrote on the blackboard: "I ain't had no fun in months."

Then asked the class, "How should I correct this sentence?"

Little Johnny raised his had and replied, "Get yourself a new boyfriend."

One night a man walks into a bar looking sad. The bartender asks the man what he wants.

The man says "Oh just a beer".

The bartender asked the man "Whats wrong,why are you so down today?".

The man said "My wife and I got into a fight,and she said she wouldn't talk to me for a month".

The bartender said "So whats wrong with that"?

The man said "Well the month is up tonight".

A Sergeant was addressing a squad of 25 and said: "I have a nice easy job for the laziest man here.

Put up your hand if you are the laziest."

24 men raised their hands, and the sergeant asked the other man "why didn't you raise your hand?"

The man replied: "Too much trouble raising the hand, Sarge."

A woman turns to her husband on their silver wedding anniversary and says, 'Darling, will you still love me when my hair turns grey?'

Her husband replies, 'Why not?

I stuck with you through the other six shades.'

Teacher: whoever answers my next question, can go home.

One boy throws his bag out the window.

Teacher: who just threw that?!

Boy: Me! I'm going home now.

Wife to husband: 'My mother says I should never have married you.

She says you're effeminate.' Husband: 'Compared to her everyone is.'

A woman was telling her friend , "It was I who made my husband a millionaire."

"And what was he before you married him?" asked the friend.

The woman replied, "A multi-millionaire".

An old guy in his Volvo is driving home from work when his wife rings him on his carphone.

"Honey", she says in a worried voice, "be careful. There was a bit on the news just now, some lunatic is driving the wrong way down the freeway".

"It's worse than that", he replies, "there are hundreds of them!"

A policeman on a motorcycle pulls over a car.

'What's up?' says the driver.

'Your wife fell out the passenger door three miles back,' says the policeman.

'Thank goodness for that,' says the driver. 'I thought I'd gone deaf.'