• A police officer pulled over a roughneck (an oilfield worker) over for speeding.

      Officer: May I see your driver's license?

      Roughneck: I don't have one - I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.

      Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?

      Roughneck: It's not my bike. I stole it.

      Officer: The motorcycle is stolen?

      Roughneck: That's right. But come to think of it, I believe I saw the owner's card in the tool bag when I was putting my gun in there.

      Officer: There's a gun in the tool bag??

      Roughneck: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the dude who owns this bike. I also stuffed his dope in the saddle bag.

      Officer: There's drugs in the saddle bag too?!?!

      Roughneck: Yes sir.

      Hearing this, the rookie immediately called his captain. The roughneck was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the roughneck to handle the tense situation

      Captain: Sir, can I see your license?

      Roughneck: Sure! Here it is.

      Captain: Who's motorcycle is this?

      Roughneck: It's mine, officer. Here's the registration.

      Captain: Could you slowly open your tool bag so I can see if there's a gun in it?

      Roughneck: Sure sir. But there's no gun in it.

      The captain searched his tool bag and, sure enough, there was nothing in the tool bag

      Captain: Would you mind opening your saddle bags? I was told you said there's drugs in them.

      Roughneck: No problem sir.

      The captain searched the saddle bags - no drugs.

      Captain: I don't understand it! The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole this motorcycle, had a gun in the tool bag, and that there were drugs in the saddle bags!

      Roughneck: Yeah! I'll bet he told you I was speeding too.

      Tags:
      • Police
      • Bicycle
      • Speeding
      • Motorcycle
      • Driver's License
      70
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    • Donald Trump, what's 2+2?

      I have to say a lot of people have been asking this question. No, really. A lot of people come up to me, and they ask me. They say, 'What's 2+2'? And I tell them, look, we know what 2+2 is. We've had almost eight years of the worst kind of math you can imagine. Oh, my God, I can't believe it. Addition and subtraction of the 1s the 2s and the 3s. It's terrible. It's just terrible. Look, if you want to know what 2+2 is, do you want to know what 2+2 is? I'll tell you. First of all the number 2, by the way, I love the number 2. It's probably my favorite number, no it is my favorite number. You know what, it's probably more like the number two but with a lot of zeros behind it. A lot. If I'm being honest, I mean, if I'm being honest. I like a lot of zeros. Except for Marco Rubio, now he's a zero that I don't like. Though, I probably shouldn't say that. He's a nice guy, but he's like, '10101000101,' on and on, like that. He's like a computer! You know what I mean? He's like a computer. I don't know. I mean, you know. So, we have all these numbers, and we can add them and subtract them and add them. TIMES them even. Did you know that? We can times them OR divide them, they don't tell you that, and I'll tell you, no one is better at the order of operations than me. You wouldn't believe it. So, we're gonna be the best on 2+2, believe me.

      Tags:
      • Computer
      • Marco Rubio
      • Donald Trump
      92
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    • God was telling John how the world would end, so he could write it in Revelations.

      "So Lord," said John, "the end will be signaled by trumpets?"

      "No," said God, "I said Trump/Pence."

      "Gotcha, trumpets!"

      "No, nevermind," said God, "They'll know."

      Tags:
      • God
      • Bible
      • Mike Pence
      • Revelations
      • Donald Trump
      • End of the world
      50
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    • A store has just opened in New York City that offers free husbands. When women go to choose a husband, they have to follow the instructions at the entrance:

      "You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are 6 floors to choose from. You may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you CANNOT go back down except to exit the building!"

      So, a woman goes to the store to find a husband. On the 1st floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs

      The 2nd floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

      The 3rd floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids and are extremely Good Looking.

      "Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going. She goes to the 4th floor and sign reads: Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.

      "Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims. "I can hardly stand it!" Still, she goes to the 5th floor and sign reads: Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, help with Housework and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

      She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the 6th floor and the Sign reads: Floor 6 - You are visitor 71,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that you are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

      To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a Wife Store just across the street.

      The 1st first floor has wives that love sex.

      The 2nd floor has wives that love sex and have money.

      The 3rd through 6th floors have never been visited.

      Tags:
      • Men
      • Women
      • Marriage
      • New York
      • Shopping
      • Housework
      50
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    • An old Texas Oil Man drove his brand new Corvette out of the dealership...

      Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little gray hair he had left

      "Amazing!" he thought as he flew down I-20, pushing the pedal even more.

      Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a state trooper behind him, lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120.

      Suddenly he thought, "What the hell am I doing? I'm too old for this!" and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival.

      Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch, and said:

      "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."

      The old oil man paused. Then he said, "Years ago my wife ran off with a State trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."

      "Have a good day, sir." replied the trooper.

      Tags:
      • Car
      • Wife
      • Texas
      • Police
      • Speeding
      40
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    • On my first day in prison, my cellmate said to me...

      "If you ever come close to me, I'll fucking skin you alive. When we're sleeping, you don't fucking touch me. You hear me? Don't ever talk to me, either."

      "Fucking great." I thought, "First day in here and I'm already married."

      Tags:
      • Sleep
      • Jail
      • Marriage
      40
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    • I bumped into an old school friend today.

      He started showing off, talking about his well paid job and expensive sports car.

      Then he pulled out a photo of his wife and said, "She's beautiful, isn't she?"

      I said, "If you think she's gorgeous, you should see my girlfriend."

      He said, "Why? Is she a stunner?"

      I said, "No, she's a fucking optician."

      Tags:
      • Ugly
      • Eyesight
      • Girlfriend
      40
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    • An interviewer was asking a farmer about his cows.

      "How much milk do these cows give?" asked the interviewer.

      "Which one?" responded the farmer. "The black one or the brown one?"

      "The brown one" said the interviewer.

      "A couple of litres per day", replied the farmer.

      "And the black one?" asked the interviewer.

      "A couple of litres per day."

      The interviewer was a bit flummoxed. "I see," he continued. "Well, what do you give them to eat?"

      "Which one? Black or brown?" the farmer asked.

      "Black." said the interviewer.

      "Well, it eats grass", said the farmer.

      "And the other one?" asked the interviewer.

      "Grass." said the farmer.

      The interviewer had now grown annoyed. "Why do you keep asking which one I mean when the answers are the same?!"

      "Because the black one's mine", said the farmer.

      "Oh, and the brown one?" asked the interview.

      The farmer smiled and said, "It's also mine."

      Tags:
      • Cow
      • Farmer
      40
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    • An American walks into a pub in Australia and says "I'll have a bud light."

      The bartender replies, "You're an American, aren't you?"

      The guy asks, "How did you know, was it the beer or my accent?"

      To which the bartender replies "Neither, you're the fattest fuck I've ever seen in my life."

      Tags:
      • Bar
      • Fat
      • America
      • Australia
      40
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    • A woman finds out she's been cheated on by her husband. She's devastated and doesn't know how to continue on with her life.

      She recalled that she'd heard of a very wise monk who lives at the top of a mountain, so she decides to go there to consult him.

      After few days of traveling, walking, climbing, she reaches the top of the mountain and meets the wise monk.

      "I spent my whole life with him! Now that he's left me for a younger women, I feel like my life has been stolen, and I'm left with nothing. I don't know what to do."

      The monk gives her a cookie and asks her to eat it. After she finishes eating, he asks, "Is the cookie delicious?"

      "Yes," she answers.

      "Do you want another?" he asks.

      "Yes, please."

      The monk looks her in the eyes and says, "Do you see the problem now?"

      The woman thinks for a while, and then speaks slowly. "I guess human nature is greedy. You get one, then you want more, maybe a new one, a bigger one, but it's never enough... Nothing lasts forever. Everything is impermanent... We should be aware and not disappointed in what we have."

      Disappointed, the monk shakes his head. "No, I mean you are too fat, you should eat less."

      Tags:
      • Fat
      • Monk
      • Wisdom
      • Husband
      • Cheating
      40
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    • An angel appears to the head of a Philosophy Department and proclaims, "I'll grant you whichever of three blessings you choose: wisdom, beauty, or ten million dollars."

      Immediately, the professor chooses wisdom. There is a flash of lightning, the professor is transformed, but then he just sits there, staring down at the table.

      One of his colleagues whispers, "You have great wisdom. Say something!"

      The professor looks up and says, "I should have taken the money."

      Tags:
      • Angel
      • Wisdom
      • Lightning
      • Professor
      • Philosophy
      40
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    • One day an Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walked into a pub together. They each bought a pint of Guinness. Just as they were about to enjoy their creamy beverage, three flies landed in each of their pints, and were stuck in the thick head.

      The Englishman pushed his beer away in disgust.

      The Scotsman fished the fly out of his beer, and continued drinking it, as if nothing had happened.

      The Irishman, too, picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over the beer, and started yelling, "SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT YOU BASTARD!!!!"

      Tags:
      • Bar
      • Fly
      • Beer
      • Irish
      • Drinking
      • Guinness
      40
      Permalink
    • An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar.

      The first mathematician orders a full glass of beer, the second orders half a glass, the third orders a quarter of a glass, and so on.

      Finally, getting frustrated, the bartender pours two beers and says, "Whoa, whoa, slow down. You guys need to learn your limits."

      Tags:
      • Bar
      • Beer
      • Math
      40
      Permalink
    • An elderly man is stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night.

      The man replies, "I am on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body in combination with smoking and staying out late."

      The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving such a lecture at this time of night?"

      The man replies, "That would be my wife."

      Tags:
      • Police
      • Drinking
      • Marriage
      40
      Permalink
    • A farmer named Clyde had a car accident. In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning Clyde.

      "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'?" asked the lawyer.

      Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule, Bessie, into the..."

      "I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?"

      Clyde said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road...."

      The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."

      By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Clyde's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule, Bessie."

      Clyde thanked the Judge and proceeded. "Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move.

      However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her fatal condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.

      Then the Patrolman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me and said, 'How are you feeling?'

      Now what the fuck would you say?"

      Tags:
      • Cow
      • Hell
      • Court
      • Farmer
      • Driving
      • Car Accident
      40
      Permalink
    • A husband and wife go to a restaurant.

      The waiter approaches the table to take their order.

      "I'll have your biggest, juiciest steak," says the husband.

      "But sir, what about the mad cow?" asks the waiter.

      "Oh," says the husband, "she'll order for herself."

      Tags:
      • Food
      • Wife
      • Husband
      • Marriage
      30
      Permalink
    • I was waiting at the bus stop.

      A woman said, "How long will the next one be?"

      I said, "Probably about thirty feet."

      Tags:
      • Bus
      30
      Permalink
    • A psychic is buying clothes.

      Employee: How about this one?

      Psychic: That shirt is too small.

      Employee: You didn't even try it on.

      Psychic: I'm a medium.

      Tags:
      • Psychic
      • Clothing
      30
      Permalink
    • A 60 year old millionaire is getting married and throws a big wedding reception.

      His friends are quite jealous and in a quiet moment one of them asks him how did he land such a hot 23 year old beauty?

      "Simple," grins the millionaire, "I faked my age."

      His friends are really amazed and ask him how much he said.

      "Well", he replied. "I said I was 87!"

      Tags:
      • Wedding
      • Old People
      30
      Permalink
    • A man is driving down the road and his car breaks down near a monastery.

      He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?"

      The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. A sound unlike anything he's ever heard before. The Sirens that nearly seduced Odysseus into crashing his ship comes to his mind. He doesn't sleep that night. He tosses and turns trying to figure out what could possibly be making such a seductive sound. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk." Distraught, the man is forced to leave. Years later, after never being able to forget that sound, the man goes back to the monastery and pleads for the answer again.

      The monks reply, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk."

      The man says, "If the only way I can find out what is making that beautiful sound is to become a monk, then please, make me a monk."

      The monks reply, "You must travel the Earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of grains of sand. When you find these answers, you will have become a monk."

      The man sets about his task. After years of searching he returns as a gray- haired old man and knocks on the door of the monastery. A monk answers. He is taken before a gathering of all the monks.

      "In my quest to find what makes that beautiful sound, I traveled the Earth and have found what you asked for: By design, the world is in a state of perpetual change. Only God knows what you ask. All a man can know is himself, and only then if he is honest and reflective and willing to strip away self deception."

      The monks reply, "Congratulations. You have become a monk. We shall now show you the way to the mystery of the sacred sound." The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, "The sound is beyond that door."

      The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man is given the key to the stone door and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. And so it went that he needed keys to doors of emerald, pearl and diamond. Finally, they come to a door made of solid gold. The sound has become very clear and definite. The monks say, "This is the last key to the last door." The man is apprehensive to no end. His life's wish is behind that door! With trembling hands, he unlocks the door, turns the knob, and slowly pushes the door open. Falling to his knees, he is utterly amazed to discover the source of that haunting and seductive sound...

      But, of course, I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.

      Tags:
      • Monk
      30
      Permalink
    • A funeral service is held for a woman who just passed away

      As the pallbearers carry the casket out, they accidentally bump into a wall.

      They hear a faint moan.

      They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive.

      She lives for 5 more years and then dies.

      They have another funeral for her. At the end of the service, the pallbearers carry out the casket.

      As they are walking, the husband cries out, "Watch out for the wall!"

      Tags:
      • Wife
      • Funeral
      30
      Permalink
    • Scientists recently did a study on the effects the right side and left side of a brain had on counting. They first took out the left half of a man's brain and asked him to count to 10.

      He says, "2, 4, 6, 8, 10".

      They put the left half back in and removed the right half, asking him to count to 10 again.

      He says "1, 3, 5, 7, 9".

      Finally they decided to just go for it and removed the whole brain. They again asked him to count to 10 one more time.

      He says, "Look. I'm great at counting to 10, ok? I love numbers and I have the best numbers. No one has better numbers than I do. My 4th grade math teacher - and let me tell you, she was the best and smartest math teacher in the country at the time - my 4th grade math teacher said to me that I am the best counter she's ever seen. The best. So if you want me to count to 10, let me tell you I can count to 10 alright. That's no problem. I will do it. I will. And I will do it better than any has ever done it before, ok?"

      Tags:
      • Brain
      • Science
      • Counting
      • Donald Trump
      30
      Permalink
    • A man came into a shop with a 'Salesman Wanted' sign in a window. He went up to the owner and said, "I-I-I w-w-waannn-t the j- joooob-b."

      "I don't know if this job would suit you because of your speaking impediment ," said the owner.

      "I h-h-havvve a w-wi-wiiiife and s-s-s-six k- kkkids, iiii-I re-really neeeed thi-thi-this j-j-job!" said the man.

      "O.K. Here are three Bibles. Go out and sell them." said the owner.

      So the man went out and came back an hour later. "H-here-sss your m-m-money." said the man.

      The owner was impressed, so he gave the man a dozen more Bibles and sent him out. The man came back in two hours and said, "Her- ers y-yooour m-m-money."

      The owner said, "This is fantastic. You sold more Bibles in three hours than anyone has sold in a week. Tell me, what do you say to the people when they come to the door?"

      "W-welllll," said the man, "I r-r-ring the d-door bell, a-a-and s-s-say 'H- Hel-Hello, M-m- maaaaddam, d-d-do you w-w- want t-t t-to buy thi-thi-this B-B-Bible, oooor d-d-do y-you w-w-want m-me t-toooo read it t-t-t-t-to you?"

      Tags:
      • Bible
      • Salesman
      30
      Permalink
    • The Pope and Trump are on stage in front of a huge crowd.

      The Pope leans towards Mr. Trump and says, "Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, like that of your followers, but go deep into their hearts, and for the rest of their lives whenever they speak of this day, they will rejoice!"

      Trump replied, "I seriously doubt that. With one little wave of your hand? Show me!"

      So the Pope slapped him.

      Tags:
      • Pope
      • Donald Trump
      30
      Permalink
    • An old lady goes to the doctor and says, "I have this problem with frequent gas."

      She continues, "Fortunately, the farts never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I've farted at least 10 times since I've been here, and I bet you didn't even notice!"

      The doctor says, "I see. Take these pills and come back next week."

      The next week the old lady returns. "Doctor," she says, "I don't know what the hell you gave me, but now my silent farts stink like the dickens."

      The doctor says, "Good! Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing."

      Tags:
      • Fart
      • Old People
      30
      Permalink
    • So I was at the bar last night, and the waitress screamed, "Anyone know CPR?!"

      I said, "Hell, I know the entire alphabet!"

      Everyone laughed hysterically. Except this one guy.

      Tags:
      • Bar
      • CPR
      • Alphabet
      • Waitress
      30
      Permalink
    • A husband and wife were having dinner at a fancy restaurant.

      As the food was served, the husband said, "The Food looks delicious, let's eat."

      "Honey..." says the wife, "Aren't you going to say a prayer before eating?"

      "That's for home sweetheart. Here the chef knows how to cook."

      Tags:
      • Eating
      • Prayer
      • Cooking
      • Marriage
      • Restaurant
      • Sweetheart
      30
      Permalink
    • My dad and I were driving past a cemetery, when suddenly he looked at me and said in a very serious voice, "I know something you don't know about this place."

      "What's that?" I asked.

      "The people living in this town aren't allowed to be buried in here"

      I was really confused, so I asked why.

      "Because they are still alive."

      Tags:
      • Father
      • Cemetery
      • Small town
      30
      Permalink
    • I told a girl a joke.

      She said, "Don't quit your day job."

      I said, "Thanks, I'm a comedian."

      Tags:
      • Comedian
      30
      Permalink
    • An old man was standing in line at the pearly gates of heaven for so long that when he gets to the front, he can't remember his name.

      Without a name St. Peter couldn't look the man up in the Big Book, so he called Jesus to help him figure it out.

      Jesus says "Tell us about your life, maybe that will jog your memory."

      The old man says "Well, I only had one child, a son."

      Jesus smiles and says "Heh, I was an only child too. Go on."

      The man says "I was a... some kind of wood-worker or carpenter... something like that."

      Jesus is like "Huh, another coincidence. Anything else you can remember?"

      The man shakes his head a bit and says, "You may not believe this, but my son - he was brought to life through a miracle."

      Jesus' jaw drops, he smiles, and tears comes to his eyes. "Father?!?", he asks.

      The old man's eyes open wide, "Pinocchio?!?"

      Tags:
      • Jesus
      • Heaven
      • St. Peter
      • Pinocchio
      30
      Permalink
    • A preacher, priest and rabbi walk into a bar. They sit down and have a chat and eventually begin to discuss how they manage their living expenses.

      The preacher says "On Sundays we have a collection. At the end of the day, I draw a line on the floor and throw all the money in the air. Whatever lands on the other side of the line is for the church, and whatever lands on my side I keep."

      The priest says, "Oh, I do something very similar except I draw a circle. I throw the money in the air, and whatever lands in the circle belongs to the church and whatever lands outside of it I keep."

      The rabbi says, "Oh, I do something very similar as well. I take the money and throw it in the air, whatever God wants he takes and whatever falls back down is mine."

      Tags:
      • Bar
      • Money
      • Rabbi
      • Priest
      • Priest
      30
      Permalink
    • An alcoholic wakes up in jail.

      He asks the first police officer he sees, "Why am I here?"

      "For drinking," replies the officer.

      "Great," says the man, "when do we start?"

      Tags:
      • Jail
      • Police
      • Drinking
      30
      Permalink
    • My boss was honest with me today. He pulled up to work with his new convertible this morning and I complimented him on it. He replied, "Well, if you set goals, work hard, and put in long hours, I can get an even better one next year!"

      Tags:
      • Car
      • Boss
      • Office
      30
      Permalink
    • Three engineers are arguing about what kind of engineer God is.

      The mechanical engineer says, "Just look at the muscular system, all the fluid dynamics and joints. God was clearly a mechanical engineer."

      To which the electrical engineer says. "No, no, no, just look at the nervous system! The way impulses are sent all over the body and how the brain stores information; God was clearly an electrical engineer."

      "I'm sorry guys, God was a civil engineer," says the civil engineer. "No one else would run a waste disposal pipeline right through the entertainment district."

      Tags:
      • God
      • Engineer
      • Mechanic
      • Electricity
      30
      Permalink
    • I was at an Ikea this last weekend, wandering around the show room, when I absentmindedly ran into a young guy doing the same thing.

      I apologized to him, explaining that I'd been mesmerized by the massive quantity of things and had somehow wandered away from my wife. With my mind preoccupied, I guess I hadn't really been looking where I was going.

      He laughed, and explained that he'd lost his wife too. I offered to help him look for his wife if he'd help me look for mine.

      The young guy starts telling me what his wife looks like. "Well, she is 24, tall, with blonde hair, blue eyes, long legs, wears a 34DD on days she wears a bra, and is in Daisy Dukes and a white tee today. What about yours?"

      I told him, "It doesn't matter. Let's look for yours."

      Tags:
      • Men
      • Ikea
      30
      Permalink
    • George W. Bush meets with the Queen of England. He asks her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give to me?"

      "Well," says the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."

      Bush frowns. "But how do I know the people around me are really intelligent?"

      The Queen takes a sip of tea. "Oh, that's easy. You just ask them to answer an intelligence riddle." The Queen pushes a button on her intercom. "Please send Tony Blair in here, would you?"

      Tony Blair walks into the room. "Yes, Your Majesty?"

      The Queen smiles. "Answer me this, please, Tony. Your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?"

      Without pausing for a moment, Tony Blair answers, "That would be me."

      "Yes! Very good," says the Queen.

      Back at the White House, Bush asks to speak with vice president Dick Cheney. "Dick, answer this for me. Your mother and your father have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?"

      "I'm not sure," says the vice president. "Let me get back to you on that one."

      Dick Cheney goes to his advisors and asks every one, but none can give him an answer. Finally, he ends up in the men's room and recognizes Colin Powell's shoes in the next stall.

      Dick shouts, "Colin! Can you answer this for me? Your mother and father have a child and it is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"

      Colin Powell yells back, "That's easy. It's me!"

      Dick Cheney smiles. "Thanks!"

      Cheney goes back to the Oval Office to speak with Bush. "I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle. It's Colin Powell."

      Bush gets up, stomps over to Dick Cheney, and angrily yells into his face, "No, you idiot! It's Tony Blair!"

      Tags:
      • Queen
      • President
      • Government
      • Tony Blair
      • Dick Cheney
      • Colin Powell
      • Intelligence
      • George W. Bush
      30
      Permalink
    • Tom went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.

      "You'll get your chance in court," said the Desk Sergeant.

      "No, no no!" said Tom. "I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that for years!"

      Tags:
      • Police
      • Burglary
      • Marriage
      30
      Permalink
    • So after landing my new job as a Wal-Mart greeter, a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day.

      About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, unattractive, mean looking woman walked into the store with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance. I said pleasantly "Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?"

      The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say "Hell no, they ain't twins. The oldest one's 9, and the other ones 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins Are you blind, or stupid?"

      So I replied, "I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am. I just can't believe someone fucked you twice. Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart."

      My supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work.

      Tags:
      • Hell
      • Ugly
      • Twin
      • Children
      • Shopping
      • Walmart
      • Old People
      30
      Permalink
    • The Los Angeles Police Department (LAPD), The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.

      The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

      The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.

      The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling, "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"

      Tags:
      • CIA
      • FBI
      • Police
      • Forest
      • Police
      • Rabbit
      • President
      30
      Permalink
    • A large group of Russian soldiers in the border area in 1939 are moving down a road when they hear a voice call from behind a small hill, "One Finnish soldier is better than ten Russian". The Russian commander quickly orders ten of his best men over the hill where a gun-battle breaks out and continues for a few minutes, then silence.

      The voice once again calls out, "One Finn is better than one hundred Russians."

      Furious, the Russian commander sends his next best 100 troops over the hill and instantly a huge gun fight commences. After ten minutes of battle, again silence.

      The calm Finnish voice calls out again, "One Finn is better than one thousand Russians!"

      The enraged Russian commander musters 1000 fighters and sends them to the other side of the hill. Rifle fire, machine guns, grenades, rockets and cannon fire ring out as a terrible battle is fought.... Then silence.

      Eventually one badly wounded Russian fighter crawls back over the hill and with his dying words tells his commander, "Don't send any more men......it's a trap. There are two of them."

      Tags:
      • War
      • Finnish
      • Russia
      • Soldier
      30
      Permalink
    • Tom had been a compulsive worrier for years until he found a way to overcome this problem.

      His friends noticed a dramatic change.

      "You don't seem to be worried about anything anymore," said one of his friends.

      "I hired a professional worrier for $1,000.00 a week, Tom replied. "I haven't had a single problem since."

      "A thousand a week?!" said Doug. "You can't afford that, how are you going to pay him?"

      "Tom replied, "That's his problem."

      30
      Permalink
    • Two blondes were sipping their iced coffees when a truck went by loaded with rolls of sod.

      "I'm going to do that when I win the lottery," announced Blonde #1.

      "Do what?" asked Blonde #2.

      "Send my lawn out to be mowed!"

      Tags:
      • Blonde
      • Lottery
      30
      Permalink
    • A guy walks up to the counter and says, "Ma'am, I'd like to order a Guinness."

      "You must be Irish," she replies.

      "Oh, so ordering a Guinness makes me Irish? If I ordered a Pizza, would you assume I'm Italian?"

      "I didn't"

      "And if I ordered a Bratwurst, would that make me German?"

      "No, but"

      "So why the hell do you think I'm Irish then?"

      "Sir, this is a bookstore."

      Tags:
      • Beer
      • Irish
      • Guinness
      • Bookstore
      30
      Permalink
    • A little boy was eating in a restaurant for his birthday, when he started eating without a prayer.

      His parents turn to him and say, "We say a prayer before eating in our house!"

      The little boy replies, "Yeah, that's in our house, but here the chef knows how to cook!"

      Tags:
      • Prayer
      • Cooking
      • Birthday
      • Restaurant
      30
      Permalink
    • A fighter pilot is shot down over Germany in World War II. He wakes up in a German POW hospital. A German officer is standing over his bed as he comes-to.

      "I'm verry sorry to inform you, but vee haff had to amputate your left leg," says the officer.

      "Oh no," cries the pilot, "I lost a limb? This is terrible news. Crutches for the rest of my life and all that. Listen, could you boys do me a favor? Could you drop my leg over my base, so it can receive an American burial?"

      The German confers with his peers and answers, "Ziss vee can do."

      A week later, the American awakens to find the officer standing over him again.

      "Unfortunately, zee infection has spread, and vee must take your uzza leg."

      "No! Crikey! I'll have to get a little cart, and sell pencils in front of the library. Listen; can you boys drop my other leg over my base, so it can receive an American burial?"

      Again, the German speaks to his fellows. "Ziss vee can do."

      After another week, the American wakes to the German again.

      "Vee are very sorry, but zee infection has spread to your right arm. Vee must take zat one as vell."

      "Oh, cruel gods! No, no! Listen, can you boys do me a favor? Can you drop..."

      "ZISS VEE CANNOT DO!!" the German interrupts.

      "...but...why not?" asks the American.

      "Vee sink you're trying to escape..."

      Tags:
      • War
      • Germany
      • Surgery
      • America
      • Hospital
      • Amputation
      30
      Permalink
    • A guy walks into a tailor in Ancient Greece. He tosses a toga onto the counter. The tailor picks it up, turns it over and finds a gash across the waist.

      The tailor looks up at the man and says, "Euripides?"

      The man nods and says, "Yeah. Eumenides?"

      Tags:
      • Tailor
      30
      Permalink
    • A physicist, engineer, and statistician go hunting.

      After a long day of no luck, they are walking back dejectedly, rifles slung over their shoulders. Suddenly, they spot a deer in a clearing 150 feet away.

      "I'll get him," the physicist says, doing some quick calculations and taking aim. BANG! The shot goes 10 feet long, but amazingly, the deer continues grazing.

      "You idiot," the engineer says, "you didn't account for gravity or drag!" So he pulls out his notebook, does some quick calculations, and fires using his recalibrated aim. BANG! But the shot falls 10 feet short.

      Suddenly, the statistician shouts, "We got him!"

      Tags:
      • Hunting
      • Physics
      • Engineer
      • Statistics
      30
      Permalink
    • A man calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program.

      The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me." Without a second thought, he takes off after her.

      A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally gives up. The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs. as promised.

      Pleased with the first program, he calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program.

      The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning and beautiful woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you catch me you can have me." Well, he's out the door after her like a shot.

      This girl is in excellent shape, and he does his best to catch her, but no such luck. So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape. Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 20 lbs. as promised.

      He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program.

      "Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program."

      "Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years."

      The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, "If I catch you, you are mine!!!"

      He lost 63 pounds that week.

      Tags:
      • Fat
      • Running
      • Weight Loss
      30
      Permalink
    • A man comes home from work one day and asks his wife, "Can you get me a beer before it starts?" The wife gets the beer and he drinks it in one chug.

      A few minutes go by, and he asks his wife again, "Can you get me a beer, before it starts?" Again, the wife gets the beer and he drinks it in one go.

      After another half hour, he once more asks his wife, "Can you get me a beer, before it starts?"

      At that point the wife says, "Are you sure you want another beer? Isn't two enough for the evening?"

      The man replies, "Aaaand it started."

      Tags:
      • Beer
      • Drinking
      • Marriage
      30
      Permalink
    • George owns a grocery store and makes decent money. One day, he hears the voice of God. God says, "Sell your store and move to Vegas." George, a devout Christian, complies.

      So George is walking down the Strip, when God says, "Head into this casino and play blackjack." George does.

      After playing a few hands, God says, "Bet all of your savings on this hand." George does. He is then dealt an 18. the dealer has a five showing, so George feels confident.

      However, God says "Take a card." George hesitates, but takes it. An Ace! 19!

      "Take another one." Another Ace! 20!

      George is ecstatic, until God says, "Take another card." George is nervous, so he closes his eyes, and yells, "Hit me!" Another Ace! 21!

      George is ecstatic, and then he hears God say, "Holy shit, that was fuckin unbelievable!"

      Tags:
      • God
      • Gambling
      • Blackjack
      30
      Permalink
    • So the wife and I were in town shopping, and as we came out of a store, three girls aged between 18 and 20 walked by, wearing tiny cropped tops and short short skirts. One of them, a tall blonde, had really fantastic, long, toned and tanned legs.

      I gently nudged my wife and said "I bet you wish you still had legs like that!".

      She got really upset with me. in fact I could still hear her sobbing as I wheeled her up the ramp into the next store.

      Tags:
      • Marriage
      • Shopping
      30
      Permalink
    • A man in London walked into the produce section of his local Tesco supermarket and asked to buy half a head of cabbage.

      The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of cabbage. The man was insistent that the boy ask the manager about the matter.

      Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager, "Some old bastard wants to buy a half a head of cabbage."

      As he finished his sentence, he turned around to find that the man was standing right behind him, so he quickly added, "and this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half."

      The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way.

      Later, the manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier, we like people who can think on their feet here, where are you from son?"

      "New Zealand, Sir," the boy replied.

      "Why did you leave New Zealand?" the manager asked.

      The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but prostitutes and rugby players there."

      "Is that right?" replied the manager," My wife is from New Zealand!"

      "Really?" replied the boy, "Who did she play for?"

      Tags:
      • Groceries
      • Office
      • New Zealand
      • Supermarket
      • Prostitution
      30
      Permalink
    • A policeman just pulled me over. He came up to my window and said, "papers?"

      I said, "Scissors, I win," and drove off.

      I think he wants a re-match he's been chasing me for 45 minutes.

      Tags:
      • Police
      • Driving
      20
      Permalink
    • A blind man walks into a library and asks, "Do you have any books on tape?"

      The librarian says, "Yes, yes we do, but it's not a very interesting subject."

      Tags:
      • Library
      20
      Permalink
    • My friend said, "Congratulations on your new job. How did you get it?" I said, "The same way the Virgin Mary got Jesus."

      "A miracle?!" he laughed.

      I said, "No. Sex that I can't tell anyone about."

      Tags:
      • Job
      • Virgin Mary
      • Jesus
      20
      Permalink
    • Son: Dad! I learned an awesome new trick at school in science class. Can I borrow your tie?

      Dad: Let's see it.

      Son: if we fold your tie in half, and roll the fat end toward the middle, and the thin end toward the middle, we have two rolls - one big and one small, both the same length, right?

      Well, if I hold up the tie from the middle, and let go of both sides at the same time, which side will unroll first?

      Dad: I have no idea.

      Son (drops both ends, which open at the same time):

      It's a tie, dad.

      Tags:
      • Father
      20
      Permalink
    • The Perfect Man:

      - wakes up at 5 am everyday

      - exercises everyday

      - makes his own bed

      - cleans his room

      - works sincerely

      - does not touch alcohol

      - helps in the kitchen

      - does not indulge in night life

      - always punctual

      - prays daily

      - hits the bed at 9 pm sharp

      Such a perfect man can only be found in jail.

      Tags:
      • Men
      20
      Permalink
    • The optimist sees the glass half full.

      The pessimist sees the glass half empty.

      The chemist see the glass completely full, half in the liquid state and half in the vapor state.

      Tags:
      • Nerd
      • Science
      • Chemistry
      20
      Permalink
    • Jim and Lena were driving around the countryside when they ran over a skunk.

      "We better take the skunk to the vet, Lena.

      Just put the skunk between your legs to keep it warm."

      "But, Jim, what about the smell?"

      "Don't worry, Lena. The skunk will get used to it."

      Tags:
      • Animal
      • Doctor
      • Disgusting
      20
      Permalink
    • Little Johnny's teacher asks, "What is the chemical formula for water?"

      Little Johnny replies, "HIJKLMNO"!

      The teacher, puzzled, asks, "What on Earth are you talking about?"

      Little Johnny replies, "Yesterday you said it was H to O!"

      Tags:
      • Science
      • Teacher
      • Little Johnny
      20
      Permalink
    • A blonde says to her doctor, "Each time I try to sip my coffee, my eye hurts."

      The doctor says, "Maybe you should take the stirrer out of the cup."

      Tags:
      • Blonde
      20
      Permalink
    • Customer: Could you please call me a cab?

      Little Johnny: OK... "You're a cab."

      Tags:
      • Little Johnny
      • Customer Service
      20
      Permalink
    • What exercise do Hairdressers do in the gym?

      Curls.

      Tags:
      • gym
      • Fitness
      20
      Permalink
    • Why are two blonde girls fighting on a motorcycle?

      They are fighting because they both want to sit next to the window.

      Tags:
      • Blonde
      20
      Permalink
    • What does a blonde do when it gets cold?

      Sits around a candle

      What does she do when it gets really cold?

      Lights it

      Tags:
      • Blonde
      20
      Permalink
    • Three guys, stranded on a desert island, find a magic lantern containing a genie, who grants them each one wish.

      The first guy wishes he was off the island and back home.

      The second guy wishes the same.

      The third guy says "I'm lonely.

      I wish my friends were back here."

      Tags:
      • Men
      • Genie
      • Friend
      • Desert Island
      20
      Permalink
    • There are 17 blondes standing outside a disco but why couldn't they get in?

      The sign said "must be 18 to enter".

      Tags:
      • Blonde
      20
      Permalink
    • George knocked on the door of his friend's house.

      When his friend's mother answered he asked, 'can Albert come out to play?'

      'No, said the mother, 'it's too cold.'

      'Well, then,' said George, ' can his football come out to play?'

      Tags:
      • Children
      20
      Permalink
    • A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of international capitals.

      She proudly said, "Go ahead and quiz me.

      I know all of them!"

      Her friend said, "O.K.

      then, what's the capital of France?"

      The blonde replied, "Oh, that's so easy!

      F."

      Tags:
      • Blonde
      20
      Permalink
    • There was a prison break and I saw a dwarf climb up the fence.

      As he jumped down he sneered at me and I thought, well that's a little condescending.

      Tags:
      • Dwarf
      • Jail
      20
      Permalink
    • I got an F in arithmetic

      Boy: "I got an F in arithmetic."

      Father: "Why?"

      Boy: "The teacher asked 'How much is 2×3?' and I said '6'"

      Father: "But that's right!"

      Boy: "Then she asked me 'How much is 3×2?'"

      Father: "What's the fucking difference?"

      Boy: "That's exactly what I said!"

      Tags:
      • Math
      • Profanity
      20
      Permalink
    • A man goes to see a doctor. He walks up to the sign in desk and tells the lady behind the desk he needs to see the doctor because he's invisible. The lady goes to get the doctor and says, "There is a man here who wants to see you. He says he is invisible." The doctor says to the lady, "Tell him I can't see him right now."

      Tags:
      • Doctor
      20
      Permalink
    • A Scottish priest is driving home when he comes across a dead pig lying on the road.

      So he calls the police to inform them. A cocky sergeant answers the called. "Did ye read him his last rites?" smirks the sergeant. "Naw." replies the priest." I thought I would inform his next of kin first!"

      Tags:
      • Police
      • Scottish
      20
      Permalink
    • A man joined a big Multi National Company as a trainee.

      On his first day, he dialed the kitchen and shouted into the phone: "Get me a cup of coffee, quickly!"

      The voice from the other side responded: "You fool; you've dialled the wrong extension! Do you know who you're talking to?"

      "No" replied the trainee.

      "It's the Managing Director of the company, you idiot"

      The trainee shouted back: "And do you know who you are talking to, you idiot?"

      "No!" replied the Managing Director angrily.

      "Thank God!" replied the trainee and kept the phone down

      Tags:
      • Coffee
      • Telephone
      20
      Permalink
    • A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back."

      The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan's offer. One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?" asks the Irishman.

      The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back.

      The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement. The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?"

      The Irishman replies, "Oh ... I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first."

      Tags:
      • Bar
      • Bar
      • Irish
      • America
      • Drinking
      • Guinness
      20
      Permalink
    • A bus filled with politicians was driving through the countryside one day, on the campaign trail. The bus driver, caught up in the beautiful scenery,loses control and crashes into the ditch. A farmer living nearby hears the horrible crash and rushes out to discover the wreckage. Finding the politicians, he buries them.

      The next day, the police come to the farm to question the man. "So you buried all the politicians?" asked the police officer. "Were they all dead?"

      The farmer answered, "Some said they weren't, but you know how politicians lie."

      Tags:
      • Farmer
      • Politics
      • Bus Driver
      20
      Permalink
    • A man is driving up a steep, narrow mountain road. A woman is driving down the same road. As they pass each other, the woman leans out of the window and yells "PIG!"

      The man immediately leans out of his window and replies, "BITCH!"

      They each continue on their way, and as the man rounds the next corner, he crashes into a pig in the middle of the road and dies.

      If only men would listen.

      Tags:
      • Pig
      • Driving
      20
      Permalink
    • A weasel walks into a bar.

      The bartender exclaims "Well I'll be! We've never have a weasel in here before. You can have whatever you want. What'll it be?"

      "Pop," goes the weasel.

      Tags:
      • Bar
      • Soda
      • Weasel
      20
      Permalink
    • Fred feared his wife Rhonda wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid.

      Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family doctor to discuss the problem.

      The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.

      'Here's what you do,' said the doctor, 'stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response.'

      That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and the husband was In the den. He says to himself, 'I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens.' Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?'

      No response.

      So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, 'Rhonda, what's for dinner?' Still no response.

      Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his Wife and asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?'

      A gain he gets no response.

      So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. 'Honey, what's for dinner?'

      Again there is no response..

      So he walks right up behind her. 'Rhonda, what's for dinner?'

      'Dammit, Fred, for the FIFTH time, CHICKEN!'

      Tags:
      • Husband
      • Deafness
      • Hearing Aid
      20
      Permalink
    • A lady goes to her parish priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots but they only know how to say one thing."

      "What do they say?" the priest inquired.

      "They say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?'" the woman said embarrassingly.

      "That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed, "I can see why you are embarrassed." He thought a minute and then said, "You know, I may have a solution to this problem. I have two male parrots whom I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house and we will put them in the cage with Francis and Job. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship. I'm sure your parrots will stop saying that...that phrase in no time."

      "Thank you," the lady responded, "this may very well be the solution."

      The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw his two male parrots were inside their cage, holding their rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them.

      After just a couple of seconds, the female parrots exclaimed out in unison, "Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?" There was a stunned silence.

      Finally, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and said, "Put the beads away, Francis, our prayers have been answered!"

      Tags:
      • Parrot
      • Prayer
      • Priest
      • Prostitution
      20
      Permalink
    • A husband and his wife were always fighting each other.

      When they had a confrontation, screaming and yelling could be heard deep into the night.

      The woman would shout, "When I die, I will dig my way up, out of the grave and come back to haunt you for the rest of your life!"

      Neighbours feared her, and the woman liked the fact that she was feared.

      To everyone's relief, she died of a heart attack when she was 58. Her husband had a closed casket at the wake.

      After the burial, he went straight to the local bar and began to party, as if there was no tomorrow. His neighbours, concerned for his safety, asked, "Aren't you afraid that she may indeed be able to dig her way up and out of the grave and come back to haunt you for the rest of your life?"

      The husband put down his drink and said, "Let her dig. I had her buried upside down."

      Tags:
      • Wife
      • Funeral
      • Fighting
      20
      Permalink
    • A husband and wife were grocery shopping when the husband picked up a case of Budweiser and placed it in the cart.

      "What do you think you're doing?" asked the wife.

      "It's on sale. Only $10 for a case," he replies.

      "We can't afford it. Put it back," demands the wife. They continue shopping and a few minutes later the wife puts a $20 jar of face cream into the cart.

      "What do you think you're doing?" asks the husband.

      "It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful," replies the wife.

      "So does the Budweiser and it's half the price," retorts the husband.

      Tags:
      • Beer
      • Ugly
      • Wife
      • Makeup
      • Shopping
      • Budweiser
      20
      Permalink
    • Johnny's grandad gives him a new bicycle for his birthday.

      "This is a very special, highly advanced bicycle. It can do things no other bike can do. But you must take it out for a ride at least every 7 days, or it will injure you", says his granddad.

      Johnny puts the bicycle in his shed and forgets about it for a week. Then one day, Johnny goes to the shed to take the bike out for a ride. But as he's about to pick it up, the bike jumps on Johnny and beats him up.

      "Why did you do that?" Johnny asks the bicycle. "Because you haven't taken me out to ride in 7 days" it replies.

      "But that's why I'm here, to take you for a ride"

      So Johnny goes to pick up the bike, and again it jumps on him and beats him up.

      "What the hell?" says Johnny, "Why'd you beat me up again?"

      "Because you haven't taken me out to ride in 7 days" replies the bicycle.

      "But that's what I'm about to do - take you out for a ride," says Johnny.

      So again, Johnny goes to pick up the bike, and again, the bike jumps on him and beats him up.

      "What the hell man, why'd you keep doing that?" asks Johnny.

      "Because you haven't taken me out to ride in 7 days", replies the bike.

      It's a vicious cycle.

      Tags:
      • Hell
      • Bicycle
      • Birthday
      20
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    • A magician was working on a cruise ship

      Since the audience was different every week, the magician did the same tricks over and over again. There was only one problem: the captain's parrot saw the shows every week and began to understand how the magician did every trick.

      Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show "look, it's not the same hat", or "look, he's hiding flowers under the table", or "hey, why are all of the cards aces?"

      The magician was furious but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the captain's parrot.

      One stormy night on the pacific, the ship unfortunately sank.

      The magician found himself on a piece of wood floating in the middle of the sea with, as fate would have it, the parrot.

      They stared at each other with hatred, but didn't utter a word

      This went on for a day, then two days, then three days. Finally the parrot couldn't hold back and said

      "Okay I give up, where's the ship?"

      Tags:
      • Magic
      • Cruise
      • Parrot
      20
      Permalink
    • A man comes home one day and says, "Guess what honey? Pack your bags, I won the lottery!"

      The wife squeals with delight and says, "That's great! Should I pack for the mountains or the beach?" He says, "I don't care, just get out!"

      Tags:
      • Wife
      • Lottery
      • Mountain
      20
      Permalink
    • A Mafia Godfather, accompanied by his attorney, walks into a room to meet with his former accountant...

      The Godfather asks the accountant, "Where is the 3 million bucks you embezzled from me?"

      The accountant does not answer.

      The Godfather asks again, "Where is the 3 million bucks you embezzled from me?"

      The attorney interrupts, "Sir, the man is a deaf mute and cannot understand you, but I can interpret for you."

      The Godfather says, "Well ask him where my damn money is!"

      The attorney, using sign language, asks the accountant where the 3 million dollars is.

      The accountant signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about."

      The attorney interprets to the Godfather, "He doesn't know what you are talking about."

      The Godfather pulls out a 9 millimeter pistol, puts it to the temple of the accountant, cocks the trigger and says, "Ask him again where my damn money is!"

      The attorney signs to the accountant, "He wants to know where it is!"

      The accountant signs back, "OK! OK! OK! The money is hidden in a brown suitcase in my garage!"

      The Godfather says, "Well!? What did he say?"

      The attorney interprets to the Godfather, "He says to go fuck yourself. You don't have the balls to pull the trigger."

      Tags:
      • Mafia
      • Money
      • Lawyer
      • Language
      • Accountant
      20
      Permalink
    • A taxi driver reaches the Pearly Gates and announces his presence to St. Peter, who looks him up in his Big Book.

      Upon reading the entry for the cabby, St. Peter invites him to grab a silk robe and a golden staff and to proceed into Heaven.

      A preacher is next in line behind the taxi driver and has been watching these proceedings with interest. He announces himself to St. Peter. Upon scanning the preacher's entry in the Big Book, St. Peter furrows his brow and says, "Okay, we'll let you in, but take that cloth robe and wooden staff." The preacher is astonished and replies, "But I am a man of the cloth. You gave that taxi driver a gold staff and a silk robe. Surely I rate higher than a cabby."

      St. Peter responded matter-of-factly: "Here we are interested in results. When you preached, people slept. When the he drove his taxi, people prayed."

      Tags:
      • Taxi
      • Priest
      • St. Peter
      20
      Permalink
    • President Donald Trump and his motorcade are cruising along a country road to Florida after the government shutdown. Suddenly they hit a pig, killing it instantly.

      Trump tells his chief of staff to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what had happened. About one hour later Trump sees him staggering back to the car with a bottle of wine in one hand, a cigar in the other and his clothes all ripped and torn.

      "What happened to you?" asked Trump

      "Well, the Farmer gave me the wine, his wife gave me the cigar and his 21-year-old daughter made mad passionate love to me."

      "My God, what did you tell them?" asks Trump.

      "I said I'm Donald Trump's Chief of staff, and I just killed the pig."

      Tags:
      • Florida
      • Daughter
      • President
      • Government
      • Donald Trump
      20
      Permalink
    • A drunk man walks into a bar looking for a fight, so he stands up in the front of the bar and yells out, "All lawyers are assholes!"

      The bar falls silent for a few seconds before a man finally gets up from his table, taps the drunk man on the shoulder, and says "Take that back."

      The drunk man responds, "Why, are you a lawyer?"

      To which the man replies "No, I'm an asshole."

      Tags:
      • Drunk
      • Lawyer
      20
      Permalink
    • I just got off the phone with a friend living in North Dakota near the Canadian Border.

      He said that since early this morning the snow has been coming down. It's nearly waist high and is still falling. The temperature has dropped way below zero and the north wind is increasing to near gale-force.

      All the while, his wife has done nothing but look through the kitchen window and just stare.

      He says that if it gets much worse, he may have to let her in.

      Tags:
      • Snow
      • Wife
      • Weather
      • North Dakota
      20
      Permalink
    • The chief tells the three men, "Tonight, you will be killed. However, you have one chance to save yourselves. Go now into the woods and gather ten of whatever fruit you find, then bring it back here." The three men go off into the woods.

      The first man returns some time later with 10 apples. The chief says, "Very good. Now, for us to spare your life, you must shove all ten apples up your butt without making a single sound. If you succeed, you will be free. If you fail, we eat you." The man agrees and is working on the third apple when he winces, and he is promptly killed.

      A little while later, the second man appears with ten small berries and is told the same thing. He is nine berries in when he bursts out laughing, and he is promptly killed. The two men meet in heaven and the first man says "I was watching the whole thing from up here, and you were so close! Why on Earth did you start laughing?"

      The second man answers, "I saw the third guy coming back with pineapples."

      Tags:
      • Cannibal
      20
      Permalink
    • A woman caught her husband on the weight scale, sucking in his stomach.

      "Joe, you know that's not going to help you," she said

      "Oh it helps a lot," he replies. "It's the only way I can see the numbers!"

      Tags:
      • Fat
      20
      Permalink
    • As I slipped my finger slowly inside her hole. I could immediately feel it getting wetter and wetter. I took my finger back out and within seconds she was going down on me.

      I thought to myself, "I really need a new boat!"

      Tags:
      • Boat
      20
      Permalink
    • A radio station in Ireland is taking calls to find a word that is commonly used but isn't in the dictionary yet.

      The first caller get's through, "Hello! What word do you think should be in the dictionary?"

      "Goan!"

      "Goan? Can you use it in a sentence?"

      "Yeah, go'an fuck yerself!" The caller then begins laughing until the station can cut off his call.

      After several more calls they get another man, "And what's your word sir?"

      "Smee!"

      "Can you use it in a sentence?"

      "Aye! S'mee again! Goan fuck yerself!"

      Tags:
      • Irish
      • Dictionary
      20
      Permalink
    • A mother asks here son, "Why don't you talk to Steven anymore? You used to be best friends!"

      "Well," stats the son, "would you talk to someone who is stupid, does drugs, and is an alcoholic?"

      "Of course not!"

      "Well, neither would he."

      Tags:
      • Son
      • Failure
      20
      Permalink
    • A state trooper pulls over a priest. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"

      "Just water," replies the priest.

      "Then why do I smell wine?" asks the trooper.

      The priest looks at the bottle in amazement and exclaims, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"

      Tags:
      • Wine
      • Drunk
      • Police
      • Priest
      • Driving
      • Drinking
      20
      Permalink
    • All of the organs are deciding who should be in charge.

      "I should be in charge," said the brain , "I run all the body's systems, without me nothing would happen."

      "I should be in charge," said the heart , "I circulate oxygen and nutrients all over."

      "No! I should be in charge," said the stomach, "I process the food that gives us energy."

      "I should be in charge," said the legs, "without me the body couldn't go anywhere."

      "I should be in charge," said the eyes, "I allow the body to see where it goes."

      "I should be in charge," said the anus, "I am responsible for waste removal."

      All of the other body parts laughed at the anus and insulted him. So he shut down.

      After a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery, and the heart pumped toxic blood. They all decided that the anus should be the boss.

      What is the moral of the story? Even though everybody else does all of the work the ass hole is usually in charge.

      Tags:
      • Body
      • Boss
      • Poop
      • Anatomy
      20
      Permalink
    • A man with a black eye takes his seat on the plane, when he notices that the man next to him also has a black eye.

      "How did you get yours?" he asked

      "A Freudian slip at the ticket gate," he replies. "The girl selling the tickets was beautiful busty blonde. When I meant to ask for a ticket to Pittsburg, I accidentally asked for a picket to Tits-burg, and she clocked be right in the eye. How about you? How'd you get your shiner?"

      "It's so funny you should say that," answered the first man. "Mine was from a Freudian slip too! I was at the breakfast table with my wife this morning. What I meant to say was 'Could you please pass the sugar, honey?' But what I accidentally said was 'You fucking bitch, you've ruined my life!'"

      Tags:
      • Wife
      • Sigmund Freud
      • Airplane
      • Black eye
      • Breakfast
      20
      Permalink
    • Two whales walk into a bar. The first one goes to the barman and says, "oooooOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooo OoOooOOoOooooo OOOOOOOoOOooooOoOoOOoOoo OoOOoOOoooooooo OOOOOOOoOOOoOOooooooooo."

      The second one turns to the first and says, "shut up Frank, you're drunk."

      Tags:
      • Bar
      • Drunk
      • Whale
      20
      Permalink
    • An explorer in the deepest Amazon suddenly finds himself surrounded by what appears to be a bloodthirsty group of cannibals. Upon surveying the situation, he says quietly to himself, "Oh God, I'm screwed."

      There is a ray of light from the sky above and a voice booms out, "No, you are not screwed. Pick up that stone at your feet and bash in the head of the chief standing in front of you."

      So the explorer picks up the stone and proceeds to bash the life out of the chief. He stands above the lifeless body, breathing heavily and surrounded by 100 cannibals with a look of shock on their faces.

      The voice booms out again, "Now you're screwed."

      Tags:
      • God
      • Amazon
      • Cannibal
      20
      Permalink
    • A man goes into a job interview, and presents himself well. The employer is shocked at how professional he is and says, "Wow, you have an incredible resume, and present yourself very well, but you seem to be missing 5 years on this part of your resume. What happened there?"

      The man replied "Oh, that's when I went to Yale."

      The employer is even more impressed. "That's great, you're hired!"

      The man is extremely happy and exclaims, "Yay I got a yob!"

      Tags:
      • Yale
      • Office
      • Job interview
      • Speech impediment
      20
      Permalink
    • A horse walks into a bar

      The bartender says, "Hey."

      The horse says, "Sure."

      Tags:
      • Bar
      • Horse
      20
      Permalink
    • A guy walks into a bar, orders 12 shots, and starts drinking them as fast as he can.

      The bartender asks, "Hey buddy, why are you drinking so fast?"

      The guy replies, "You would be drinking fast, too, if you had what I had."

      The bartender asks, "What do you have?"

      The guy says, "75 cents."

      Tags:
      • Bar
      • Cheap
      • Money
      • Drinking
      • Stealing
      20
      Permalink
    • Dave and his wife Shae went to the state fair every year, and every year Dave would say, "Shae, I'd like to ride in that helicopter."

      Shae always replied, "I know Dave, but that helicopter ride is hundred bucks, and hundred bucks is hundred bucks."

      Finally, one year when they went to the fair Dave pleaded, "Shae, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter now, I might never get another chance."

      Shae replied, "Dave that helicopter ride is hundred bucks, and hundred bucks is hundred bucks."

      The pilot overheard the couple and said, "Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you don't say a word for the entire ride I won't charge you a penny! But if you say one word it'll be a hundred dollars."

      Dave and Shae agreed and up they went.

      The pilot did all kinds of fancy manoeuvres, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, and yet nothing was said.

      When they landed, the pilot turned to Dave and said, "By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!"

      Dave replied, "Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Shae fell out, but you know, hundred bucks is hundred bucks!"

      Tags:
      • Money
      • Marriage
      • Helicopter
      20
      Permalink
    • When I was a kid, my family was very poor.

      I remember my dad was cutting Onion and our whole family was crying.

      Poor Onion.

      He was such a good dog.

      Tags:
      • Dog
      • Crying
      20
      Permalink
    • A man was speaking with God and asked him, "God, is it true that to you a thousand years is a minute?"

      "That's true," God replied.

      "And is it true that to you $1,000,000 is like a penny?"

      "That's true," God replied.

      "Well, you see I'm a poor man, and I was wondering if you could give me a penny," asked the man.

      "Sure," said God, "in a minute."

      Tags:
      • God
      • Time
      • Money
      20
      Permalink
    • A man goes hiking and sees a farmer with two cows. One is black and the other is white.

      The man walks up to the farmer and asks, "What do you feed the cows?"

      The farmer asks, "The black one or the white one?"

      "The black one," says the man.

      "I feed it grass."

      "What about the white one then?"

      "I feed it grass, too."

      The man nods. "And where do they usually sleep?"

      "The black one or the white one?" the farmer asks.

      "The black one."

      "In the barn."

      "What about the white one?"

      "It sleeps in the barn too," says the farmer.

      The hiker starts getting frustrated. "And what do you use them for?" he asks.

      The farmer asks again, "The black one or the white one?"

      "The black one."

      "Well, I use it to get milk."

      "And the white one?"

      "I use that one to get milk, too."

      The hiker gets extremely angry, and yells, "What the hell is wrong with you?! You keep asking me which cow I mean, then give me the same response for both!"

      The farmer answers calmly, "Well, because the black cow is mine."

      "Oh, and what about the white one?"

      "It's mine too..."

      Tags:
      • Cow
      • Farmer
      20
      Permalink
    • A man goes to a bar and sees a "larger" girl dancing on a table. He walks over to her and says, "Wow, nice legs!"

      She is flattered and replies, "You really think so?"

      The man says, "Oh definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."

      Tags:
      • Bar
      • Fat
      20
      Permalink
    • A young woman walks into a dry cleaner.

      She asks the elderly man inspecting her blouse how long it would take to clean. Hard of hearing the man asks, "Come again?"

      She responds, "No, it's yogurt."

      Tags:
      • Semen
      • Old People
      • Dry Cleaner
      20
      Permalink
    • A guy goes fishing one morning but after a short time runs out of worms. Just then he sees a cotton-mouth snake in the water with a frog in his mouth. Frogs are good bass bait. Knowing the snake couldn't bite with the frog in his mouth, the guy grabs him right behind the head, takes the frog, and puts the snake in his bait bucket.

      Now the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bit. So, the guy snatches his bottle of Jack Daniels and pours a little whiskey in the snake's mouth. His eyes roll back and he goes limp. The guy releases him into the lake without incident and carries on fishing using the frog.

      A little later, he feels nudge on his foot. It was the snake, with two more frogs.

      Tags:
      • Frog
      • Snake
      • Alcohol
      • Fishing
      • Whiskey
      20
      Permalink
    • A guy sees a sign in front of a house in Santa Barbara: 'Talking Dog for Sale.'

      He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a black mutt just sitting there.

      "You talk?" he asks.

      "Sure do." the dog replies.

      "So, what's your story?" asks the guy.

      The dog looks up and says, "Well, I discovered my gift of talking pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running.

      The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm retired."

      The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

      The owner says, "Ten bucks."

      The guy says, "This dog is amazing. Why on Earth are you selling him so cheap?"

      "Because he's a fucking liar. He didn't do any of that shit."

      Tags:
      • CIA
      • Dog
      • Airport
      • Security
      • Government
      20
      Permalink
    • Three old men are sitting on a bench.

      The first one says, "I think I have the worst life here because I wake up at 8:00 every morning but I can't piss!"

      The second one then says, "I think my life is worse than yours because I wake up at 8:30 and I can't shit!"

      The third one finally says, "Gentlemen I think my life is worse than both of yours."

      The first man interjects, "Can you piss?"

      The third one replies, "At 9:00 I piss like a racehorse."

      Then the second one says, "Can you shit?"

      The third man replies again, "At 9:30 I shit like there's trains coming out of my ass."

      The two both a little confused ask him, "Then what's the problem?"

      "I wake up at 10!!"

      Tags:
      • Poop
      • Urination
      • Old People
      20
      Permalink
    • Cannibals capture three men. The men are told that they will be skinned and eaten and then their skin will be used to make canoes. Then they are each given a final request.

      The first man asks to be killed as quickly and painlessly as possible. His request is granted, and they poison him.

      The second man asks for paper and pen so that he can write a farewell letter to his family.

      This request is granted, and after he writes his letter, they kill him saving his skin for their canoes.

      Now it's the third man's turn. He asks for a fork. The cannibals are confused, but it is his final request, so they give him a fork. As soon as he has the fork he begins stabbing himself all over and shouts, "To hell with your canoes!"

      Tags:
      • Boat
      • Tribe
      • Cannibal
      20
      Permalink
    • Two Tennessee rednecks are out hunting, and as they are walking along they come upon a huge hole in the ground. They approach it and are amazed by the size of it.

      The first hunter says, "Wow, that's some hole; I can't even see the bottom. I wonder how deep it is."

      The second hunter says, "I don't know, let's throw something down and listen and see how long it takes to hit bottom."

      The first hunter says, "There's this old pickup transmission here, give me a hand and we'll throw it in and see."

      So they pick it up and carry it over, and count one, and two and three, and throw it in the hole.

      As they stand there listening and looking over the edge, they hear a rustling in the brush behind them.

      They turn around to see a goat come crashing through the brush, run up to the hole and with no hesitation, jump in head first.

      While they are standing there looking at each other, looking in the hole and trying to figure out what that was all about, an old farmer walks up.

      "Say there," says the farmer, "you fellers didn't happen to see my goat around here anywhere, did you?"

      The first hunter says, "Funny you should ask, but we were just standing here a minute ago and a goat came running out of the bushes doin' about a hundred miles an hour and jumped headfirst into this hole here!"

      The old farmer said, "That's impossible. I had him chained to a transmission!"

      Tags:
      • Goat
      • Farmer
      • Hunting
      • Redneck
      • Tennessee
      31
      Permalink
    • After a stressful day, one man comes home and sits in his backyard, drinking a beer.

      As he's getting up to get a snack, he stops and asks, "Jesus, what is the meaning of life?"

      To which Jesus replies, "You slave in the sun to support the ones you love. You make money so you can buy things for your family to keep them happy."

      The man asks, "Jesus, why is life so hard?"

      To which Jesus replies, "That, no one may ever know. You have to overcome many obstacles to be successful."

      The man asks again, "How was the universe created?"

      Jesus replies, "I'm sorry, senor, but can you stop asking questions? I'm trying to mow your lawn."

      Tags:
      • Jesus
      • Drinking
      • Gardening
      • Universe
      20
      Permalink
    • A guy walks into a butcher's shop and says "Sir, are you a gambling man?"

      The butcher says, "Why yes, as a matter of fact I am."

      "Then I'll bet you $25 you can't reach up and touch that meat hanging over your head right there."

      The butcher thinks for a moment and says, "I'm sorry, I won't take that bet."

      The guy says "But I thought you said you were a gambling man."

      "I am. But the steaks are too high."

      Tags:
      • Steak
      • Butcher
      • Gambling
      20
      Permalink
    • A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck, and everyone inside dies. They then get to meet their maker, and because of the grief they have experienced, he decides to grant them one wish each before they enter paradise.

      They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what the wish is. "I want to be gorgeous," and so God snaps his fingers, and it is done.

      The second one in line hears this and says "I want to be gorgeous, too." Another snap of his fingers and the wish is granted.

      This goes on for a while but when God is halfway down the line, the last guy in line starts laughing. When there are only ten people left, this guy is rolling on the floor, laughing his ass off. Finally, God reaches this guy and asks him what his wish will be. The guy calms down and says: "Make 'em all ugly again."

      Tags:
      • God
      • Ugly
      • Heaven
      • Paradise
      20
      Permalink
    • Four people are in train car: an Englishman, a pretty young blonde girl, an ugly old woman, and a Frenchman.

      It all goes dark when the train goes through a tunnel. In the dark there's the sound of an almighty slap, and when the train emerges from the tunnel the Frenchman is rubbing his face, and there's a huge red mark on his cheek.

      The old lady thinks, "I bet that Frenchman fondled the blonde in the dark and she slapped him."

      The pretty young blonde thinks, "I bet the Frenchman tried to fondle me in the dark, got the old lady by mistake, and she hit him."

      The Frenchman thinks, "I bet that Englishman fondled the blonde in the dark, but the blonde thought it was me and hit me."

      The Englishman thinks, "I hope there's another tunnel coming up soon so I can slap that French twat again."

      Tags:
      • Train
      • France
      • English
      • France
      • Transportation
      20
      Permalink
    • A rather bad man dies and meets Satan in a room with three doors. Satan explains, "I have good news and bad news. The bad news is that you have to spend eternity behind one of these doors. But, the good news is that you can take a peek behind each and take your choice."

      So, the man opened the first door and saw a room full of people, standing on their heads on a concrete floor. Not very nice, he thought.

      Opening the second door, he saw a room full of people standing on their heads on a wooden floor. Better, he thought, but best to check the last door.

      Upon opening the last door, he saw a room full of people, standing waist-deep in excrement and sipping coffee.

      "Of the three, this one looks best," he said and waded in to get something to drink while Satan closed the door.

      A few minutes later the door opened, Satan stuck his head in and said, "Ok, coffee break's over, back on your heads!"

      Tags:
      • Hell
      • News
      • Poop
      • Satan
      20
      Permalink
    • The chief of a tribe in Mexico dies.

      His son is now the chief. Since he never learned the ways of his forefathers to predict winters, when he gets asked what should the tribe do, he just tells them to collect firewood.

      He then goes to the National Weather Station in Mexico and asks them how bad winter is going to be. They tell him, "It looks like it will be pretty bad".

      Shocked, he goes back to his tribe and tells them to gather more firewood.

      He goes back to the weather station and asks them again if winter will be bad. They answer, "It is going to be one of the worst winters in a decade."

      The Chief goes back to the village and tells them to gather more firewood. Then he goes for a third time to the weather station and asks them again, "will the winter be bad?"

      They respond, "It will be the worst winter in a century."

      The chief asks them, "How do you know winter will be bad?"

      They answer, "Because the Indians are gathering firewood like crazy!"

      Tags:
      • Tribe
      • Winter
      • Weather
      • Firewood
      20
      Permalink
    • Two Irish hunters got a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose. They managed to bag six. As they were loading the plane to return, the pilot said the plane could take only four moose. The two lads objected strongly.

      "Last year we shot six. The pilot let us take them all and he had the same plane as yours."

      Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded. However, even on full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down.

      Somehow, surrounded by the moose bodies, Paddy, Mick and the pilot survived the crash. After climbing out of the wreckage, Paddy asked Mick, "Any idea where we are?"

      "I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year."

      Tags:
      • Moose
      • Hunting
      • Airplane
      20
      Permalink
    • One day George W. Bush was out jogging and accidentally fell from a bridge into a very cold river. Three boys, playing along the river, saw the accident. Without a second thought, they jumped in the water and dragged the wet president out of the river.

      After cleaning up he said, "Boys, you saved the President of the United States today. You deserve a reward. You name it, I'll give it to you."

      The first boy said, "Please, I'd like a ticket to Disneyland!"

      "I'll personally hand it to you," said Bush. "I'd like a pair of Nike Air Turbos," the second boy said. "I'll buy them myself and give them to you," said Bush. "And I'd like a wheelchair with a stereo in it," said the third boy.

      "I'll personally ... wait a second, son, you're not handicapped!"

      "No, but I will be when my father finds out who I saved from drowning."

      Tags:
      • Running
      • Children
      • Drowning
      • President
      • Wheelchair
      • Handicapped
      • George W. Bush
      • United States
      20
      Permalink
    • I felt sorry for the hypnotist I saw last night.

      He hypnotised seven men, but then dropped the microphone on his foot and said, "Fuck me!"

      What happened next will haunt me for the rest of my life.

      Tags:
      • Hypnotist
      20
      Permalink
    • A man walks into a bar. He orders three beers before he walks to a booth where he sits by himself.

      He continues to do this for a while before the bartender finally asks, "Why are you always ordering three beers? Wouldn't it be better if you ordered one at a time?"

      The man replies, "I used to come in here with my two brothers and drink with them. But now they are at separate places around the world, so I come in here and drink to the memory of them." This all seemed fine, and he kept doing this for a while longer.

      After a few weeks the man comes in and asks for only two beers before going to the booth. It immediately becomes quiet in the bar, and no one dares say a word.

      Finally the bartender goes up to the man and asks, "Is everything okay? How are you're brothers?"

      The man replies, "Oh! No, they are both fine! I just stopped drinking."

      Tags:
      • Bar
      • Beer
      • Brother
      • Drinking
      20
      Permalink
    • A group of soldiers are preparing for an attack from the enemy, when a private walks up to the captain and says, "Captain, I've lost my rifle! What do I do?"

      The captain thinks for a moment, then grabs a broom and hands it to the private. He says, "If any enemies show themselves, just point this at them and shout "Bangity bangity bang."

      The private argues about how it won't work, but the captain insists until he finally gives up. "Well what about close quarters then?" says the private.

      The captain thinks for a moment, then takes a butterknife and sticks it to the end of the broom. He replies, "If they come close, just use this and say "stabbity stabbity stab." The private doesn't even bother arguing this time.

      The next day, the enemy mounts a huge offensive. There is an immense army. The private starts aiming his broom and saying, "Bangity bangity bang," and it actually proves effective. This guy starts mowing down the enemy soldiers with his broom, but there's just so many, and they start charging him. So he starts saying, "stabbity stabbity stab," and the soldiers drop in front of him bleeding.

      After some time, there is no one left alive on the battlefield but him. There are corpses from both sides everywhere.

      Eventually he sees one enemy soldier in the distance. The enemy soldier is not aiming a gun or anything. He is simply walking towards the broom-wielding soldier while mumbling something.

      The soldier aims his broom and fires, but to no effect. He continues trying over and over, but the enemy soldier just walks towards him, still mumbling. The soldier gets close, and he tries stabbing, but it still has no effect. The soldier finally reaches him, and simply pushes him over. He literally crushes him just walking over him.

      As his life fades, he finally hears the enemy solider walking off saying, "Tankity tankity tank."

      Tags:
      • War
      • Soldier
      • Blood
      20
      Permalink
    • An Australian, an American and a New Zealander are enjoying some beer in Saudi Arabia even though it is against the law to drink alcohol there. They are captured by the Sheik and are sentenced to death, until his wife runs up to him and whispers something in his ear. She glances to the New Zealander, and whispers some more.

      The sheik steps forward and announces, "Because it is my wife's birthday today, she has asked that I spare your lives, on the following terms. You will each get 20 lashes, but will receive one wish before you do. However, since my wife and I admire New Zealand's beautiful countryside, we will allow the New Zealander two wishes."

      The Australian is up first, and asks for a pillow to be tied to his back. However, after the first few lashes, the pillow breaks. Then, the American asks for TWO pillows to be tied to his back. Again, they break after but five lashes. Finally, the New Zealander steps forward. "First," he says, "I would like to be given 40 lashes, not 20." The sheik is confused at first, and then asks "And...your second wish?" "Tie the Aussie to my back."

      Tags:
      • Wish
      • America
      • Birthday
      • Australia
      • New Zealand
      • Saudi Arabia
      20
      Permalink
    • Little Susie, a six-year-old, complained, "Mother, I've got a stomach ache."

      "That's because your stomach is empty", the mother replied. "You would feel better if you had something in it."

      That afternoon her daddy came complaining that he had a severe headache all day.

      Susie perked up. "That's because it's empty," she said. "You'd feel better if you had something in it."

      Tags:
      • Daughter
      • Little Susie
      • Stomach Ache
      20
      Permalink
    • One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.

      He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"

      "We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."

      "Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the lawyer said.

      "But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree."

      "Bring them along," the lawyer replied. Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You come with us, also."

      The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!"

      "Bring them all, as well," the lawyer answered. They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was.

      Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."

      The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place. The grass is almost a foot high."

      Tags:
      • Food
      • Poor
      • Grass
      • Lawyer
      • Children
      20
      Permalink
    • A mechanic dies, and, not being a very religious man, gets sent to hell. While in hell, the mechanic meets Satan, and he is shown the ins and outs of Hell.

      While wandering around, the mechanic starts doing the thing he's best at - fixing stuff. In a matter of weeks, Hell has air conditioning, working TV's and indoor plumbing, all being maintained and improved by the mechanic.

      Seeing this from heaven, God calls Satan over and demands to have the mechanic because Hell is supposed to be an awful place and shouldn't have any luxuries. Satan refuses, and God threatens to sue him for the mechanic.

      "Sue me?" Satan asks. "Where are you going to find a lawyer?"

      Tags:
      • Hell
      • Satan
      • Lawyer
      • Mechanic
      20
      Permalink
    • A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a female police officer, who was also a blonde.

      The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's license. She dug through her purse but couldn't find her license. She was getting quite flustered.

      "What does it look like?" the driver finally asked.

      The policewoman replied, "It's square and it has your picture on it."

      The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman. "Here it is," she said.

      The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, "OK, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop."

      Tags:
      • Blonde
      • Police
      • Driving
      • Speeding
      • Driver's License
      20
      Permalink
    • When Beethoven passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried. Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it. The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave. Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate.

      When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Beethoven's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards."

      He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony, and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling." So the magistrate kept listening: "There's the Seventh... the Sixth... the Fifth..."

      Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate. He stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Beethoven decomposing."

      Tags:
      • Music
      • Cemetery
      • Beethoven
      20
      Permalink
    • Two conjoined twins walk into a pub.

      The bartender is amazed. "You're not from around here, are you?"

      The siamese on the left side replies, "No, we're French. Every summer we come to the UK, rent a car and start a road trip."

      "So, you must really like the country," says the bartender.

      "Not that much. But once a year, my brother can drive."

      Tags:
      • Bar
      • Twin
      • Driving
      • United Kingdom
      20
      Permalink
    • A lawyer is about to enter a party and decides to tell people that he's a doctor instead of a lawyer since people seem to think badly about lawyers, and he's always been attacked by lawyers jokes.

      After he's mingled for a little while, a guy comes up to him and tells him that there's another doctor there who works at the same hospital he does. To his surprise, this other doctor plays along and pretends to know him.

      After the party ends, the guy goes up to the doctor and says, "Thanks for playing along. So, what does it feel like to be a real doctor?"

      The man replies, "I wouldn't know. I work for the IRS."

      Tags:
      • IRS
      • Doctor
      • Lawyer
      • Hospital
      20
      Permalink
    • A farm boy accidentally overturned his wagon load of corn.

      The farmer who lived nearby heard the noise and yelled over to the boy, "Hey Willis, forget your troubles. Come in and visit with us. I'll help you get the wagon up later."

      "That's mighty nice of you," Willis answered, "but I don't think Pa would like me to."

      "Aw, come on boy," the farmer insisted.

      "Well okay," the boy finally agreed, and added, "but Pa won't like it."

      After a hearty dinner, Willis thanked his host. "I feel a lot better now, but I know Pa is going to be real upset."

      "Don't be foolish!" the neighbor said with a smile. "By the way, where is he?"

      "Under the wagon."

      Tags:
      • Dinner
      • Farmer
      • Neighbor
      20
      Permalink
    • A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, "This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you."

      The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, "Which do you want, son?" The boy takes the quarters and leaves. "What did I tell you?" said the barber. "That kid never learns!"

      Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. "Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?"

      The boy licked his cone and replied, "Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!"

      Tags:
      • Bar
      • Children
      31
      Permalink
    • A young lawyer passed the Bar Exam and decided to get his first tailor-made suit. So he went to the finest tailor in town and got measured for a suit. A week later he went in for his first fitting. He put on the suit and looked fabulous. He felt that in this suit he will come across as very professional.

      As he was preening himself in front of the mirror he reached down to put his hands in the pockets and to his surprise he noticed that there were no pockets. He mentioned this to the tailor who asked him, "Didn't you tell me you were a lawyer?"

      The young man answered, "Yes, I did."

      To this the tailor said, "Who ever heard of a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets?"

      Tags:
      • Lawyer
      • Tailor
      20
      Permalink
    • A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce. The car is parked on the street in front of the bank; she has the title, and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan.

      The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a $250,000 Rolls as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drives the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there. Two weeks later, the blonde returns and repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41.

      The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely; but we are a little puzzled. We checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is - why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"

      The blonde replies, "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"

      Tags:
      • Car
      • Bank
      • Blonde
      • Business
      • New York
      • Security
      • President
      • Office
      • Rolls Royce
      20
      Permalink
    • My mother came to visit recently.

      Once she entered the house, my wife greeted her, saying, "Hi Mom, I am so happy to see you. How long will you be staying?"

      My mother replied, "As long as you want me to."

      My wife exclaimed, "What! You won't even stay for coffee?"

      Tags:
      • Mother In Law
      20
      Permalink
    • A priest, an ophthalmologist, and an engineer were golfing one morning behind a particularly slow group of golfers.

      The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!"

      The ophthalmologist chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!"

      The priest said, "Here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him."

      He said, "Hello, George. What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"

      The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we let them play for free anytime."

      The group fell silent for a moment. Then the priest said, "That's so sad. I think I'll say a special prayer for them."

      The ophthalmologist added, "Good idea. And maybe I could examine them to see if there's anything I can do for them."

      They were silent for a moment.

      Then the engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"

      Tags:
      • Golf
      • Doctor
      • Priest
      • Engineer
      • Blindness
      • Clubhouse
      20
      Permalink
    • As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a gravesite service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a Pauper's' cemetery in the back country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions.

      I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.

      The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man. And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, and we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.

      As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I've never seen anything like that, and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years!"

      Tags:
      • Funeral
      • Bagpipes
      • Cemetery
      • Homeless
      • Directions
      20
      Permalink
    • An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are all standing watching a street performer do some excellent juggling.

      The juggler notices that the four gentlemen have a very poor view, so he stands up on a large wooden box and calls out, "Can you all see me now?"

      "Yes." "Oui." "Si." "Ja."

      Tags:
      • France
      20
      Permalink
    • A principal of a small middle school had a problem with a few of the older girls starting to use lipstick. When applying it in the bathroom they would then press their lips to the mirror and leave lip prints.

      Before it got out of hand he thought of a way to stop it. He gathered all the girls together that wore lipstick and told them he wanted to meet with them in the ladies room at 2 PM.

      They gathered at 2 PM and found the principal and the school custodian waiting for them. The principal explained that it was becoming a problem for the custodian to clean the mirror every night. He said he felt the ladies did not fully understand just how much of a problem it was and he wanted them to witness just how hard it was to clean.

      The custodian then demonstrated. He took a long brush on a handle out of a box. He then dipped the brush in the nearest toilet, moved to the mirror and proceeded to remove the lipstick.

      That was the last day the girls pressed their lips on the mirror.

      Tags:
      • Makeup
      • School
      • Toilet
      • Bathroom
      • Lipstick
      • Principal
      20
      Permalink
    • A man is walking a penguin down the street on a leash. A policeman sees him and stops the man.

      The policeman says, "What are you doing?! Take that penguin to the zoo!"

      A week later, the policeman sees the man with the penguin again.

      He says, "Hey, I thought I told you to take that penguin to the zoo!"

      The man replies, "I did! He loved it! We're going to the theme park tomorrow!"

      Tags:
      • Zoo
      • Police
      • Penguin
      20
      Permalink
    • I was standing behind this girl at a school dance while we were waiting to get some juice. She was really pretty, so I thought I'd break the ice with a joke.

      I tapped her on the shoulder and said "Hey, what's blue and smells like red paint?"

      She smiled and asked, "I don't know. What?"

      As I was about to open my mouth, I accidentally tripped and knocked over everyone in front of me. I never got to finish the joke, but that's how I totally screwed up the punch line.

      Tags:
      • Dating
      • Dancing
      20
      Permalink
    • As an old man was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.

      Upon answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Fred, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 94. Please be careful!"

      "It's not just one car," said Fred, "It's hundreds of them!!"

      Tags:
      • Driving
      • Old People
      20
      Permalink
    • A new CEO takes over at a struggling company and decides to get rid of all the slackers.

      On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning against a wall. He can't believe this guy would just stand around on the job. The new CEO walks up to the guy and asks, "What are you doing here?"

      "I'm just waiting to get paid," responds the man.

      Furious, the CEO asks, "How much money do you make a week?"

      A little surprised, the young fellow replies, "I make about $500 a week. Why?"

      The CEO quickly gets out his checkbook, hands the guy a check made out to cash for $2,000 and says, "Here's four weeks' pay. Now get out and don't come back."

      The man puts the check in his pocket and promptly walks out.

      Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looks around the room and asks, "Does anyone want to tell me what just happened here?"

      From across the room comes a voice, "Yeah, you just tipped the pizza delivery guy $2,000."

      Tags:
      • Boss
      • Office
      20
      Permalink
    • One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, "I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week." The florist was pleased and left the shop.

      When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a "Thank You" card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.

      Later that day, a cop came in for a haircut, and when he tried to pay his bill, the barber again replied, "I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week." The cop was happy and left the shop.

      The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a "Thank You" card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.

      Next a Congressman came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill, the barber again replied, "I can not accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week." The Congressman was very happy and left the shop.

      The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen Congressmen lined up waiting for a free haircut.

      Tags:
      • Barber
      • Congress
      • Politics
      20
      Permalink
    • My girlfriend is fed up of my constant wordplay jokes, so I asked her, "How can I stop my addiction?"

      "Whatever means necessary," she replied.

      "No it doesn't," I said.

      Tags:
      • Girlfriend
      20
      Permalink
    • An old couple were sitting in Church and the wife noticed that people were staring at her.

      She leaned across to her husband and whispered, "I've just let go a silent fart. What do you think I should do?"

      He said, "I think you should get fresh batteries for your hearing aid."

      Tags:
      • Fart
      • Church
      • Battery
      • Old People
      • Hearing Aid
      20
      Permalink
    • A Baptist preacher sits next to a cowboy on a flight. After the plane takes off, the cowboy asks for a whiskey and soda, which is promptly brought and placed before him.

      The flight attendant then asks the preacher if he would like a drink.

      Appalled, the preacher replies, "I'd rather be tied up and taken advantage of by women of ill-repute, than let liquor touch my lips."

      The cowboy then hands his drink back to the attendant and says, "Me too, I didn't know we had a choice."

      Tags:
      • Cowboy
      • Baptist
      • Airplane
      • Priest
      20
      Permalink
    • Cinderella is now 95 years old. After a fulfilling life with the now dead prince, she happily sits upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat named Bob for companionship.

      One sunny afternoon out of nowhere, appeared the fairy godmother. Cinderella asked, "Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years?"

      The fairy godmother replied, "Cinderella, you have lived an exemplary life since I last saw you. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?"

      Cinderella was taken aback, overjoyed, and after some thoughtful consideration, she uttered her first wish: "The prince was wonderful, but not much of an investor. I'm living hand to mouth on my disability checks and I wish I were wealthy beyond comprehension."

      Instantly her rocking chair turned into solid gold Cinderella said, "Oh, thank you, Fairy Godmother".

      The fairy godmother replied "it is the least that I can do. What do you want for your second wish?"

      Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said, "I wish I were young and full of the beauty and youth I once had."

      At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful young visage returned. Cinderella felt stirrings inside of her that had been dormant for years.

      And then the fairy godmother spoke once more: "You have one more wish; what shall it be?"

      Cinderella looks over to the frightened cat in the corner and says, "I wish for you to transform Bob, my old cat, into a kind and handsome young man."

      Magically, Bob suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biological make-up that, when he stood before her, he was a man so beautiful the likes of him neither she nor the world had ever seen.

      The fairy godmother said, "Congratulations, Cinderella, enjoy your new life." With a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, the fairy godmother was gone as suddenly as she appeared.

      For a few eerie moments, Bob and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes. Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most beautiful, stunningly perfect man she had ever seen.

      Then Bob walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair, and held her close in his young muscular arms. He leaned in close, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath as he whispered...

      "Bet you're sorry you neutered me."

      Tags:
      • Cat
      • Wish
      • Fairy
      • Cinderella
      • Electricity
      20
      Permalink
    • Mama and Papa Bear are getting divorced and the Judge is asking Baby Bear who he wishes to live with.

      "So, is it Mama or Papa?" asks the Judge.

      "Mama and Papa beat me," says Baby Bear.

      "Well do you have any other relatives?" asked the Judge.

      "I have an uncle in Chicago," replies Baby Bear.

      "Does he beat you too?" asks the Judge.

      "Naww," says Baby Bear. "The Chicago Bears don't beat anybody."

      Tags:
      • Bear
      • Sport
      • Football
      20
      Permalink
    • A monastery's bell ringer died and the monks put an ad in the paper for a new one.

      The next day a man comes to the door to apply and he has no arms. The head monk says, "Sir, how can you ring our bell if you have no arms?"

      The applicant replies, "Just give me a chance, take me to the bell tower and I'll show you."

      They all go to the bell tower and ask him to show them how he plans to do it. The applicant gets a running start and slams his face into the bell: "RINNNNNNGGGGGGGG!!!"

      Before anyone can stop him, he backs up and runs smack into the bell again and falls to the ground dead.

      The head monk asks the others, "Did anyone catch his name?"

      Another monk replies, "No, but his face sure rings a bell."

      Tags:
      • Monk
      • Bell Ringer
      20
      Permalink
    • In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a woman waiting for a bus was wearing a tight leather skirt. As the bus stopped and she was about to board, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus. Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.

      Again, she tried to make the step only to discover she still couldn't. So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more. For the second time, she attempted the step, and, once again could not raise her leg. With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to make the step.

      About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.

      She went ballistic and turned to the would-be good samaritan and screeched, "How dare you touch my body?! I don't even know who you are!"

      The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends."

      Tags:
      • Skirt
      • Bus Driver
      • Transportation
      20
      Permalink
    • The devil visited a lawyer's office and made him an offer.

      "I can arrange some things for you," the devil said.

      "I'll increase your income five-fold. Your partners will love you. Your clients will respect you. You'll have four months of vacation each year and live to be a hundred. All I require in return is that your wife's soul, your children's souls, and their children's souls rot in hell for eternity."

      The lawyer thought for a moment.

      "What's the catch?" he asked.

      Tags:
      • Hell
      • Wife
      • Satan
      • Lawyer
      10
      Permalink
    • After God created 24 hours of alternating darkness and light, one of the angels asked him, "what are you going to do now?"

      God said, "I think I'm going to call it a day."

      Tags:
      • God
      10
      Permalink
    • As I looked into her eyes across the candlelit table, I felt my knees go weak, my heart began to race and my stomach turned to butterflies.

      That's when I realized I drugged the wrong glass!

      Tags:
      • Poison
      10
      Permalink
    • A husband hires a private detective to find out if his wife is cheating on him.

      The detective reports back and says he discovered, unfortunately, that she is.

      "What happened?" asks the husband

      "She went to a hotel and waited in the bar area. On three different occasions men came up to her, handed her $50 and she would give them a key. 5 minutes later she would disappear upstairs somewhere and then return after a while."

      "Oh my god, d... do you think... Shes a prostitute? " asks the husband.

      "I thought it was pretty obvious", says the detective, "but after the last fella came back down, I made sure."

      "You confronted him?"

      "No, I gave her $50."

      Tags:
      • Cheating
      • Detective
      • Prostitution
      10
      Permalink
    • I went to the doctors with hearing problems.

      He said "Can u describe the symptoms?"

      I said, "Homer's fat and Marge has blue hair."

      Tags:
      • Hearing
      10
      Permalink
    • A child asked his father, "Why do good people die young?"

      His father responded, "When you are in a garden, which flower do you pick?"

      The child responded, "The Ugly Ones."

      The father, unprepared for that response, asked, "Why?"

      "Because ugly bitches don't belong in my garden"

      Tags:
      • Gardening
      10
      Permalink
    • A man called the hotel manager and said "Come up quickly. I fought with my wife and now she wants to throw herself out the window!"

      The manager replied, "Sir this is a personal matter and we can't get involved. I can call sec..."

      The man interrupted "No! This is a maintenance issue. The window won't open!".

      Tags:
      • Wife
      • Hotel
      10
      Permalink
    • A man is on a photo safari in Africa, when he finds an elephant in distress, lying in the bushes. Upon inspection, he finds that the elephant has a large, sharp rock embedded in the bottom of its foot. He carefully pulls the rock free, and the elephant gets up and saunters away.

      Almost a decade later he is back in his home town when a circus is visiting and they put on a parade. The man is watching all of the animals go past, when he notices, and makes eye contact with a large African elephant. The elephant immediately turns toward the man, picks him up in its trunk, slams him on the pavement and then stomps the life out of him.

      It was a different elephant.

      Tags:
      • Elephant
      10
      Permalink
    • A man is sitting at a bar. After the third beer he decides to go home. He tries to walk out, but as soon as he is off his chair, he falls on the ground. He figures he's probably not drunk enough.

      He orders another one, tries to go, but again falls on the ground.

      After two more beers and tries he decides just to crawl home.

      The next morning his wife says to him in the bed. "You were in the bar last night."

      "How did you know?"

      "The bartender called. You forgot your wheelchair."

      Tags:
      • Bar
      • Wheelchair
      10
      Permalink
    • A man sits next to a woman on the bus.

      He says, "That's a very nice smelling perfume. I think I'd like to buy it for my wife - what brand is it? ".

      She replies "Don't, it will just give idiots an excuse to talk to her."

      Tags:
      • Bus
      21
      Permalink
    • A blind man walks into a bar.

      The bartender says "Oh hey! I haven't seen you in forever!"

      The blind man says "same"

      Tags:
      • Bar
      • Blindness
      10
      Permalink
    • After a Beer Festival in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer.

      Corona's president sits down and says, "Senor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona."

      The bartender takes a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.

      Then Budweiser's president says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser."

      The bartender gives him one.

      Coors' president says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, the only one made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors."

      He gets it.

      The guy from Guinness sits down and says, "Give me a Coke."

      The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask, "Why aren't you drinking a Guinness?"

      The Guinness president replies, "Well, if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither will I."

      Tags:
      • Bar
      • Drinking
      • Guinness
      • Budweiser
      10
      Permalink
    • An English man, Irish man and Scottish man are on a plane and the pilot comes out and issues everyone a challenge, "If you can guess where we are by sticking your hand out of the window ill give you 50 grand."

      The Scottish man quickly jumps up and sticks his hand out of the window. "We are in Dundee," he guesses. The pilot shakes his head.

      Then the Irish man tries. "We are in Dublin," he guesses. Again the pilot shakes his head.

      Then the English man steps up. "We are in Liverpool," he says.

      Shocked, the pilot answers, "Yes! That's right, but how did you know?"

      The English man replies, "Because my watch has been stolen."

      Tags:
      • Irish
      • English
      • Airplane
      • Scottish
      • Stealing
      • Liverpool
      10
      Permalink
    • A programmer tells his wife, "I'm going to the store."

      The wife says, "While you're there, buy some milk."

      He never came back.

      Tags:
      • Programming
      10
      Permalink
    • After watching Star Wars with my son for the first time today, he looked up at me and asked, "Daddy, why was R2D2 so dirty?"

      Puzzled, I asked him what he meant.

      He replied, "Well, they had to bleep out every word he said!"

      Tags:
      • Star Wars
      10
      Permalink
    • I greeted the mailman at the door naked.

      He freaked out.

      Not so much because of my appearance, more because of how I knew where he lived.

      Tags:
      • Mail
      • Nudity
      10
      Permalink
    • Queen: Come to bed.

      King: Not until I have a name for my Soldiers.

      Queen: K, night.

      King: My lady, you're a genius.

      Tags:
      • King
      • Queen
      • Knight
      10
      Permalink
    • When I was about 17 or 18 I first noticed that my sister was a hottie.

      First of all, - just for some background: My Mum died right when I was born, (she was actually really, really hot- but this isn't about her. I guess that's fucked up to say, but whatever.) I actually grew up with my dad's family, because my dad has all sorts of emotional issues and he bailed before I was born. So you can see, my childhood was really kind of messed up.

      Anyways, growing up I feel like there was always a lot of distance between me and my sister. When I was about 17 or 18 I first noticed that my sister was a hottie.

      I don't want to go into too many details about it, but basically what happened is that I accidentally found a video that she made of herself. I knew she didn't make it for me- but I thought she was so fucking beautiful that I watched it twice. I probably would have watched it a hell of a lot more, except that like right around the time I found the video, all this crazy shit went down and I had to leave home. (My dad's family who I was staying with got in bad trouble with the law. I never talk about it).

      Sooo... I was totally lusting after my sister at that point. She was also having bad trouble with the law. She was actually in custody when I left home.

      My friend and I went to go pick her up. When I saw her that day, after seeing the video, I have to be honest, I just wanted to fuck her brains out. Looking back on it now, it's pretty messed up- but I think she had feelings for me too. She actually kissed me right after we came to get her... and it wasn't a sisterly kiss, you know? I mean, it wasn't like ridiculously sexual or anything, but it definitely wasn't sisterly.

      After we left, we all went to crash with my Sister's friends. On the trip there, my friend sort of implied that he wanted to get with my Sister, and I got a little jealous. He's a good looking guy- and even though she was my sister- I just felt like he was competition. Not much else happened between us for a while except some maybe-sexy hugging. Pretty much everyone in my life at that point was wanted by the government, so we all moved around a lot. I'm not saying that I'm proud of it or anything, but it was kind of an awesome time.

      My friend and my sister never hooked up I don't think- but I thought there was some serious sexual tension going on between them. It was around that time that I got really badly hurt in an accident. It was fucked up. I almost died. But when I was in recovery my sister came to see me, and out of the clear blue sky she started gives me this awesome, slow, passionate kiss on the lips.

      Sadly (although, I guess for the best) nothing ever came of it. We spent some time apart... and I started to get really religious, so I tried not to think of her that way. It was actually going well for a long time- like I was totally over her.

      But I have to say, like a year or so after all that stuff went down, we were out sailing (not like a date or anything romantic like that), and she was wearing like the hottest bikini I've ever fucking seen and it brought back all the old feelings. Sigh.

      A little while later she actually wound up with my friend from before (the sexual tension guy). I can't say I was surprised. But even after she was shacking up with my friend, there was one time we were at a party... my friend was inside, and my sister and I were outside alone.

      It was a really intimate moment. I think something might have happened, except that I killed the mood when I told her that Darth Vader was our father and that I had to go face him.

      Tags:
      • Star Wars
      • Government
      • Darth Vader
      10
      Permalink
    • A blonde calls her mom...

      Blonde: "Mom mom!! I'm a genius!"

      Mother: "Really dear? How's that possible?"

      Blonde: "I finished a puzzle that I've been working on for 1 year and on the box it said 'for 2-5 yrs'."

      Tags:
      • Time
      • Blonde
      32
      Permalink
    • Julia tells her husband, "James, that young couple that just moved in next door seem such a loving twosome.

      Every morning, when he leaves the house, he kisses her goodbye, and every evening when he comes homes, he brings her a dozen roses.

      Now, why can't you do that?"

      "Gosh," James says, "why I hardly know the girl."

      Tags:
      • Marriage
      10
      Permalink
    • Teacher: How old is your father?

      Johnny: As old as I am.

      Teacher: How is it possible?

      Little Johnny: He became father only after I was born.

      Tags:
      • Teacher
      • Little Johnny
      10
      Permalink
    • The nurse told the parents of a newly born child, "You have a cute baby."

      The smiling husband said, "I bet you say that to all new parents."

      "No," she replied, "just to those whose babies really are good-looking."

      The husband again asked "So what do you say to the others?"

      The nurse replied, "The baby looks just like you."

      Tags:
      • Baby
      • Nurse
      • Children
      10
      Permalink
    • Blonde: "What does IDK stand for?"

      Brunette: "I don't know."

      Blonde: "OMG, nobody does!"

      Tags:
      • Blonde
      10
      Permalink
    • Two students talk:

      "What are you reading?"

      "Quantum physics theory book."

      "But why are you reading it upside-down?"

      "It makes no difference anyway."

      Tags:
      • Nerd
      • Student
      • Idiot
      10
      Permalink
    • TEACHER: Well, at least there's one thing I can say about your son.

      FATHER: What's that?

      TEACHER: With grades like these, he couldn't be cheating.

      Tags:
      • School
      10
      Permalink
    • The new office-boy came into his boss's office and said, "I think you re wanted on the phone, sir."

      "What d you mean, you think?" demanded the boss.

      "Well, sir, the phone rang, I answered it and a voice said is that you, you old fool?"

      Tags:
      • Office
      • Telephone
      • Manager
      10
      Permalink
    • Little Johnny was in church, getting restless as the preacher's sermon dragged on and on.

      Not able to take it anymore, he leaned over to his father and whispered,

      "Hey, Dad, if we give him the money now, will he let us go?"

      Tags:
      • Father
      • Money
      • Church
      • Priest
      • Little Johnny
      10
      Permalink
    • An FBI agent was interviewing a bank teller after the bank had been robbed 3 times by the same bandit:

      "Did you notice anything special about the man?" asks the agent.

      "Yes," replied the teller. "He was better dressed each time."

      Tags:
      • Money
      • Police
      10
      Permalink
    • What's brown and very bad for your dental health?

      A baseball bat.

      Tags:
      • Health
      • Sport
      • Dentist
      10
      Permalink
    • Equation

      Men = eat + sleep + earn money

      Donkeys = eat + sleep

      Therefore,

      Men = Donkeys + earn money

      Therefore,

      Men - earn money = Donkeys

      In other words,

      Men that don't earn money = Donkeys

      Tags:
      • Math
      10
      Permalink
    • Did you hear about the annoying midget who went to a nudist colony?

      He kept getting in everyone's hair.

      Tags:
      • Disgusting
      10
      Permalink
    • A tourist on a farm asked the farmer why one pig had a wooden leg.

      The farmer said, "That pig is the bravest pig I ever saw."

      "So why does he have a wooden leg?" the tourist asked.

      "One night, our house caught on fire, and he came inside and woke us all up."

      The tourist asked again, "So, why does that pig have a wooden leg?"

      "You can't eat a pig that brave all at once!"

      Tags:
      • Animal
      10
      Permalink
    • What does an Irishman get after eating Italian food?

      Gaelic breath.

      Tags:
      • Food
      10
      Permalink
    • How many Bill Clintons does it take to change a lightbulb?

      He doesn't!

      He whines a while, says "I feel your pain", and gets congress to pass a billion dollar light security bill, and blames Republicans and special interests for not making lightbulbs free.

      Tags:
      • Security
      • Lightbulb
      10
      Permalink
    • An Irishman goes for a job on a building site.

      The man says, "Can you brew tea?"

      The Irishman says, "Yes."

      "Good.

      Can you drive a fork lift?"

      The Irishman looks at him and asks, "Why?

      How big is the teapot?"

      Tags:
      • Irish
      • Business
      21
      Permalink
    • A blonde was swimming.

      She swam deeper and deeper until she drowned.

      Her husband came home and found her dead in the bathtub.

      Tags:
      • Blonde
      10
      Permalink
    • A friend of mine just got divorced.

      He and his ex-wife split the house.

      He got the outside.

      Tags:
      • Divorce
      10
      Permalink
    • A guy walks into a bar owned by Eminem...

      He says,"Give me 2 shots."

      The bartender cuts him off saying,"You only get one shot!"

      Tags:
      • Bar
      • Eminem
      10
      Permalink
    • Dr: "Mr Smith, your wife is comfortable."

      Husband: "I thought she was in a coma and critical condition."

      Dr: "She is, the nurses are using her as a beanbag."

      Tags:
      • Doctor
      • Hospital
      10
      Permalink
    • My neighbor knocked on my door at 3 AM.

      3 AM, can you believe it?

      Lucky him that I was awake playing drums.

      Tags:
      • Sleep
      • Neighbor
      10
      Permalink
    • Doctor: Hi how are you today?

      Patient: I'm well thanks.

      Doctor: Get the fuck out then.

      Tags:
      • Doctor
      10
      Permalink
    • I lost my job at the bank on my very first day.

      A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.

      Tags:
      • Bank
      • Fired
      10
      Permalink
    • The women I meet in bars have the WORST pickup lines...

      They're like, "Hey, what's your friends name?"

      Never works on me ladies.

      Tags:
      • Bar
      • Women
      10
      Permalink
    • A gorilla goes into a bar and orders a martini. This totally amazes the bartender, but he thinks, "What the heck, I guess I might as well make the drink." So he mixes the martini.

      He then walks back over to the give it to the gorilla, and the animal is holding out a twenty-dollar bill. Well, now the bartender is just at a loss for words. He can't believe that a gorilla walked into his bar, ordered a martini, and then actually had a twenty-dollar bill to pay for it.

      So, in amazement, he takes the twenty and walks to the cash register to make the change. While he's standing in front of the cash register he stops for a second and thinks to himself, "Let me try something here and see if the gorilla notices anything."

      So he walks back over to the gorilla and hands him a dollar change. The gorilla doesn't say anything, he just sits there sipping the martini. After a few minutes the bartender just can't take it anymore.

      "You know," he says to the gorilla, "we don't get too many gorillas in here."

      And the gorilla says, "At nineteen dollars a drink I'm not surprised."

      Tags:
      • Bar
      • Gorilla
      10
      Permalink
    • The sky above looked ominous, so I asked Siri, "Surely, it's not going to rain again today?!"

      It replied, "It is and don't call me Shirley!"

      Guess I forgot to take my phone off Airplane mode...

      Tags:
      • Airplane
      10
      Permalink
    • There were two friends drinking and one says to the other, "I have a trumpet that tells the time."

      "The time?" the friend asks.

      "Yes, yes look..." He grabs the trumpet and opens the window and starts to play it like crazy.

      All of a sudden you can hear... "You $#@% it's 3 in the morning"

      Tags:
      • Trumpet
      • Neighbor
      10
      Permalink
    • I visited Stockholm.

      At first the place depressed me and I wanted to leave.

      Now, I love the place so much and want to stay forever.

      Tags:
      • Psychology
      • Stockholm Syndrome
      10
      Permalink
    • So the Pope is SUPER early for his flight.

      He asks his driver on his way to the airport if he could drive around for a while because they have time to kill and he hasn't driven a car since becoming the pope.

      Naturally, he's a bit rusty, so he's driving poorly, when suddenly he sees police lights behind him. He pulls over and when the officer comes up to the window his eyes go wide. He says to the pope "Hold on for a minute," and goes back to his car to radio the chief.

      Cop: "Chief we have a situation. I've pulled over an important figure."

      Chief: "How important? A governor or something?"

      Cop: "No sir. He's bigger."

      Chief: "So, what? a celebrity or something?"

      Cop: "More important, sir."

      Chief: "A major politician?"

      Cop: "No sir, he's much more important."

      Chief: "WELL WHO IS IT!?"

      Cop: "Well actually I'm not sure. But the pope's his driver."

      Tags:
      • Pope
      • Police
      • Driving
      10
      Permalink
    • A guy walks into a bar and orders a fruit punch.

      Bartender says, "Pal, if you want a punch you'll have to stand in line"

      Guy looks around, but there is no punch line.

      Tags:
      • Bar
      10
      Permalink
    • Two Italian men get on a bus. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but then she hears one of the men say the following:

      "Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time."

      "You foul-mouthed swine," says the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"

      "Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sex? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi'."

      Tags:
      • Italy
      • Language
      • Mississippi
      10
      Permalink
    • A father has three sons. One is an accountant, one is an engineer and the other is a lawyer.

      The father asks each of his three sons the same question, "What does two plus two equal?"

      The accountant son answers, "Four point zero zero."

      The engineer son answers, "Somewhere between 3.9999 and 4.0001."

      Finally, the father asks his son the lawyer "What does two plus two equal?".

      The lawyer pulls his father into the other room and closes the door. He then closes the blinds and motions for his father to come into the corner. He whispers, "What do you want it to equal?"

      Tags:
      • Lawyer
      • Engineer
      • Accountant
      10
      Permalink
    • A man on his Harley was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, God said, "Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish." The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over any time I want."

      God replied, "Your request is materialistic; think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind."

      The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, "God, I wish that I, and all men, could understand women. I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, why she snaps and complains when I try to help, and how I can make a woman truly happy."

      And then God said, "How many lanes do you want on that bridge?"

      Tags:
      • God
      • Women
      • Hawaii
      • California
      10
      Permalink
    • A chicken walks in to a bar.

      The bartender says, "What'll be, chicken?"

      The chicken says, "I'd like a nice pale ale with some type of a fruit flavor."

      The bartender says, "You want the bar across the road."

      Tags:
      • Bar
      • Chicken
      10
      Permalink
    • Let me tell you how I became a millionaire:

      First, I bought one apple for a dollar with my savings.

      Then I went out on the street and sold it there for two dollars.

      With the two dollars I bought two apples for 1$ each and again sold them for 2 dollars each.

      Now I had 4 dollars and was able to buy 4 apples, which, you may have guessed, I sold for 2 dollars each.

      Now I had 8 dollars and I bought 8 apples and so on and so on...

      A few days later my aunt died and I inherited her assets.

      Tags:
      • Rich
      10
      Permalink
    • A woman goes to a supermarket. After gathering her items, she goes to the checkout counter. The cashier looks at the items she bought: a jug of milk, a carton of eggs, and a head of lettuce The cashier says "You must be single" The woman says "Oh my god, how did you know?" The cashier responds: "Because you're ugly."

      Tags:
      • Supermarket
      10
      Permalink
    • So, this guy walks into a bar with a Newt on his shoulder

      The bartender says "that's a weird pet what's his name?" The guy responds, "oh, his name is Tiny." The bartender then asks "Well that's a weird name, why do you call him that?" And the guys answers "because he's my newt!"

      Tags:
      • Bar
      10
      Permalink
    • So my girlfriend and my mom have never met...

      So I told my girlfriend that my mother is deaf, so she will need to speak slowly and loudly for her to understand you. I then called my mom and told her to be nice, cause my girlfriend is retarded. Boy it's going to be a fun Thanksgiving this year!

      Tags:
      • Girlfriend
      10
      Permalink
    • Here's a joke for you.

      Jews don't recognize Jesus. Protestants don't recognize the Pope. Baptists don't recognize each other in the liquor store. This last bit translates into some practical advice. If you go fishing, don't bring a Baptist; he'll drink all the beer. But if you bring two of them, you'll have it all to yourself.

      Tags:
      • Pope
      10
      Permalink
    • A blonde woman waves a cab

      She asks the cab driver "How much do you charge to drive me to the nearest airport?" The cab driver answers "Around 20 bucks" The woman then says "I'm carrying luggage, do these get charged?" Driver: "No, I don't charge for luggage" The woman smiles, leaves her luggage in the cab and then says "see you at the airport then, ill take the bus"

      Tags:
      • Blonde
      • Airport
      10
      Permalink
    • A couple walk Into the clubhouse after a round of golf.

      The pro asks "how was you round?" The husband says "it was good but my wife got stung by a bee". "Where did she get stung?" "Between the first and second hole". The pro says "well her stance was too wide."

      Tags:
      • Bar
      • Clubhouse
      10
      Permalink
    • Gambling Problem

      When I go to casinos, the most ridiculous sign I see is the one that says: "If you have a gambling problem, call 1-800-GAMBLER." I thought about it for a moment and dialed the number. When they answered I said, "I have an ace and a six. The dealer has a seven. What do I do?"

      Tags:
      • Gambling
      10
      Permalink
    • A Priest and a Prostitute

      One night, a priest walked up to a prostitute he saw on the street corner. Hoping to shame her into mending her ways he asked "Young lady, what would your mother do if she saw you here tonight?" The prostitute went white and replied "Oh, she'd kill me! This is her corner!"

      Tags:
      • Prostitution
      10
      Permalink
    • There were two guys playing golf, and a funeral passed

      so one guy stopped, and waited for the funeral to pass before continuing with his game. His companion complimented him on his respect for the funeral, to which the guy replied, 'Well, its the least I could do, we were married for forty years!'

      Tags:
      • Golf
      • Funeral
      10
      Permalink
    • Billy was sleeping in his room when suddenly a flash of light appeared. A man was then standing in Billy's room. Billy was amazed. Billy asked "Who are you?" The man responded with "I'm you from the future" Billy was amazed to be able to meet his future self. He asked his older self "What will I be when I grow up?" The older Billy locked the door and said "A paedophile"

      Tags:
      • Sleep
      10
      Permalink
    • A priest and a taxi driver die and go to heaven.

      St. Peter greets them. He takes the taxi driver to a large mansion. St. Peter than takes the priest to a slightly less nice house. "Wait," said the priest,"Why does the taxi driver get a nicer house than me?" St. Peter looked at his book and said,"It says here that when you preached, people slept, but when he drove, people prayed!"

      Tags:
      • Taxi
      • Priest
      • St. Peter
      10
      Permalink
    • A dog walks into a telegraph office, puts $1 on the counter and says: "Woof woof woof, woof woof, woof woof woof woof"

      The operator says to the dog "It's $1 for 10 words, shall I put another woof on there?"

      The dog then says, "But then that wouldn't make any sense!"

      Tags:
      • Dog
      • Telegraph
      10
      Permalink
    • A man walks into a bar, and orders 10 times the amount of drinks as everyone else.

      The barman says "now *that's* an order of magnitude!"

      Tags:
      • Bar
      10
      Permalink
    • Two Irish men came down to give Mrs. O'Mally some bad news.

      "We have some terrible news about your beloved husband, he fell into a vat of beer and drowned." "Oh my poor Patrick" she moaned "At least he died a sudden death and didn't suffer." "Well I don't know about that Mrs. O'Mally, he got out three times to go pee."

      Tags:
      • Beer
      • News
      10
      Permalink
    • A rope walked into a bar. The bartender said, "We don't serve your kind here! No ropes allowed!" The rope left, tied his top end, and fluffed out the fringe. He reentered the bar, and the bartender said, "Hey! Aren't you that rope I just threw out?" "No," the rope said. "I'm a frayed knot."

      Tags:
      • Bar
      10
      Permalink
    • *Teacher to Student* T: "Use the word 'centimeter' in a sentence"

      S: "My grandma was arriving at the train station so I was centimeter" T: "No, no, that's 'Sent to meet her'. Okay, try another one. Use 'contagious' in a sentence please" S: "I had to wait at the train station for hours because it took that contagious!"

      Tags:
      • Train
      10
      Permalink
    • A man walks into a bar

      ... and stays there my entire childhood.

      Tags:
      • Bar
      10
      Permalink
    • Two vampires walked into a bar and called for the bartender.

      "I'll have a glass of blood," said one.

      "I'll have a glass of plasma," said the other.

      "Okay," replied the bartender, "That'll be one blood and one blood lite."

      Tags:
      • Bar
      • Blood
      • Vampire
      10
      Permalink
    • A man was on a walking holiday in Ireland. He became thirsty so decided to ask at a home for something to drink. The lady of the house invited him in and served him a bowl of soup by the fire. There was a wee pig running around the kitchen, running up to the visitor and giving him a great deal of attention. The visitor commented that he had never seen a pig this friendly. The housewife replied: "Ah, he's not that friendly. That's his bowl you're using."

      Tags:
      • Pig
      • Irish
      • Housewife
      10
      Permalink
    • How many film directors does it take to change a light bulb?

      Just one, but he wants to do it thirty-two times and when he's finished everyone will think that his last light bulb was much better.

      Tags:
      • Animal
      10
      Permalink
    • A rabbit came into a shop and asked, "Got any carrots?" The seller answered, "No!"

      The next day the rabbit came again and asked, "Got any carrots?" The seller replied "No!"

      Next day the rabbit came and asked, "Got any carrots?" The seller shouted, "No! And if you come again and ask for carrots, I'll take nails and hammer you on the wall by your ears!"

      Early next morning the rabbit came back and asked, " Got any nails?" The seller answered, "No!" The rabbit asked, "Got any carrots?"

      Tags:
      • Carrot
      • Rabbit
      10
      Permalink
    • Some flies were playing football in a saucer, using a sugar lump as a ball.

      One of them said: "We'll have to do better than this, lads. We're playing in the cup tomorrow."

      Tags:
      • Football
      10
      Permalink
    • Two Kentuckians are walking down different ends of a street toward each other, and one is carrying a sack. When they meet, one says, "Hey Tommy Ray, what'cha got in th' bag?"

      "Jus' some chickens."

      "If I guesses how many they are, can I have one?"

      "Shoot, ya guesses right and I'll give you both of them."

      "OK. Ummmmm ... five?"

      Tags:
      • Chicken
      • Kentucky
      10
      Permalink
    • Teacher: "Fred can you find me America on the map please?"

      Fred: "There it is!"

      Teacher: "Now, Johnny, who discovered America?"

      Little Johnny: "Fred did!"

      Tags:
      • America
      • Little Johnny
      10
      Permalink
    • A dwarf goes to the gas station with his tiny car and says to the employee:
      - Fill my car with one drop of benzine, please.
      And the employee answers:
      - Did you want me to fart in your tires, too?

      Tags:
      • Office
      10
      Permalink
    • 3 little ducks go into a bar. "What's your name the barman asks the first duck?" "Huey" was the reply. "Hows your day been Huey?" "Great, I've been in and out of puddles all day ... what more could a duck want?"

      "What's your name he asked the 2nd duck?" "Dewey" was the reply "... and I've been in and out of puddles all day as well."

      He turned to the 3rd duck and said: "I suppose your Louie ...?" "No she said batting her eyelids ... my name is puddles!"

      Tags:
      • Duck
      10
      Permalink
    • Three patients in a mental institution prepare for an examination given by the head psychiatrist. If the patients pass the exam, they will be free to leave the hospital. However, if they fail, the institution will detain them for five years. The doctor takes the three patients to the top of a diving board looking over an empty swimming pool, and asks the first patient to jump.

      The first patient jumps head first into the pool and breaks both arms.

      Then the second patient jumps and breaks both legs.

      The third patient looks over the side and refuses to jump. "Congratulations! You're a free man. Just tell me why didn't you jump?" asked the doctor.

      To which the third patient answered, "Well Doc, I can't swim!"

      Tags:
      • Hospital
      • Swimming
      • Psychiatry
      • Mental Health
      10
      Permalink
    • A man walked into a bar with a sandwich taped to his head.

      The bartender said, "Why the hell do you have a sandwich taped to your head?"

      The man replied, "My family always wears a sandwich hat on Wednesdays."

      "It's Tuesday," said the bartender.

      The man hung his head in shame and said, "Gosh, I must look pretty silly right now, then."

      Tags:
      • Bar
      21
      Permalink
    • While reading an article about fathers and sons drinking together, I remembered the time I took my daughter out for her first drink. Off we went to our local bar only two blocks from the house.

      I got her a Guinness. She didn't like it, so I drank it.

      Then I got her a Killian's she didn't like that either, so I drank it.

      Finally, I thought she might like some Harp Lager? She didn't. I drank it.

      I thought maybe she'd like whiskey better than beer so we tried a Jameson's; nope!

      In desperation, I had her try that 25 year old Glenfiddich. The bar's finest scotch. She wouldn't even smell it. What could I do but drink it!

      By the time I realized she just didn't like to drink, I was so shit-faced I could hardly push her stroller back home!!!

      Tags:
      • Daughter
      • Drinking
      • Guinness
      21
      Permalink
    • A man and woman die on their way to get married.

      They find themselves in a long line before the Pearly Gates. They spend time talking as they wait and decide to see if they can get married in heaven.

      When it's their turn at the gate they ask St Peter if they even can get married in heaven. "That's a good question. Wait here and I will get you an answer"

      St Peter leaves the couple and the minutes turn to hours, the hours turn to days. Finally after more than a week St Peter returns. He look exhausted and worn.

      "Ok" he says "you can get married in heaven, go on in"

      "But wait! Eternity is a long time. What if things don't work out? Can we get a divorce in heaven?" They ask.

      St Peter levels an angry glare at the couple. "If it took me that long to find a priest in heaven, if you want a lawyer you can go to hell."

      Tags:
      • Hell
      • Heaven
      • Lawyer
      • Priest
      • Marriage
      • St. Peter
      21
      Permalink
    • A Viking is arguing with his wife.

      "It's definitely hail," says Gertha.

      "No, it's rain!" says Rudolf.

      "No, it's round and hard, it's hail!" She retorts.

      Getting very flustered now, Rudolf shouts "Look! Rudolf the Red knows rain, dear!"

      Tags:
      • Viking
      • Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer
      21
      Permalink
    • I saw my mother in Law tying herself to the train tracks. I couldn't believe what I was witnessing.

      I looked at her, my eyes widened, and said, "Don't do it!"

      "Why the hell not?!" she yelled.

      "They aren't running today."

      Tags:
      • Train
      • Mother In Law
      21
      Permalink
    • A woman passes away and finds herself at the Pearly Gates, with an angel showing her around. One thing she immediately notices is that there are a LOT of clocks in Heaven. Billions. She asks the angel who explains. "Everyone, past or present, gets a clock when they are born. Each time you tell a lie, the second hand moves once." She is amazed at this and goes looking.

      She finds Mother Theresa's clock and notices it's moved three times. George Washington's clock hasn't moved at all. She's somewhat ashamed that her own is showing it's 9:00PM.

      She begins hunting furiously, unable to find a specific one. Finally she gives up. "Where is Mitt Romney's clock!?"

      "In Jesus's office. He uses it for a ceiling fan."

      Tags:
      • Clock
      • Jesus
      • Heaven
      • Politics
      • Mitt Romney
      • Mother Teresa
      • George Washington
      21
      Permalink
    • A young boy went up to his father and asked him, "Dad, what is the difference between the words 'potentially' and 'realistically'?"

      The father thought for a moment, then answered, "Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then, ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that."

      So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"

      The mother replied, "Of course, I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great university!"

      The boy then went to his sister and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"

      The girl replied, "Oh, good heavens! I LOVE Brad Pitt and I would sleep with him in a heartbeat. Are you nuts?"

      The boy then went to his brother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"

      "Of course," the brother replied. "Do you know how much a million bucks would buy?"

      The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to his dad.

      His father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?"

      The boy replied, "Yes, 'Potentially', you and I are sitting on three million dollars, but 'realistically', we're living with two hookers and a future congressman."

      Tags:
      • Son
      • Father
      • Congress
      • Brad Pitt
      • Prostitution
      21
      Permalink
    • A guy walks into a bar with an octopus under his arm and sets it on top of the counter. He says, "I will give $5,000 to anyone that can hand this octopus a musical instrument it cannot play."

      The first person hands it a trumpet. The octopus takes a look, spins it around, looks at it, and then proceeds to play it like Louie Armstrong.

      The second person brings it an acoustic guitar. Again, the octopus checks it out, spins it around, checks it out again, and starts strumming it to the likes of Eric Clapton.

      The third guy brought up a set of bagpipes and the octopus shows a bit of interest. He grabs ahold of it, spins it around, spins it around, checks it out, spins it around, and spins it around again. After a while the third person says, "Obviously this octopus has no clue how to play the bagpipes."

      The octopus breaks his attention from the instrument and says to the man, "Play it? I'm going to fuck it once I can figure out how to take it's pajamas off."

      Tags:
      • Bar
      • Octopus
      • Bagpipes
      21
      Permalink
    • An attractive young girl, chaperoned by an ugly old lady, entered the doctor ́s office.

      "We have come for an examination," said the young girl.

      "Alright," said the doctor. "Go behind that curtain and take your clothes off."

      "No, not me," said the girl. "it's my old aunt here."

      "Very well,"said the doctor. "Madam, stick out your tongue."

      Tags:
      • Ugly
      • Doctor
      21
      Permalink
    • A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to market herself as a handyman type and started canvasing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

      The man said, "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"

      The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?"

      The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?" The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

      A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" the man asked.

      "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats." Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50.

      "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a porch, it's a Ferrari."

      Tags:
      • Car
      • Blonde
      • Ferrari
      • Porsche
      • Neighbor
      21
      Permalink
    • A man was exploring the African jungle and came upon a tribe of natives, their presence underscored by the distinctive and monotonous beating of drums. The man spoke with the tribe and they allowed him to stay with them and sleep on their grounds.

      The first night, the man didn't sleep a wink due to the ongoing drumming so he spoke to the chief. "Chief, I got no sleep last night. Could you maybe stop the drumming for a night so I could rest."

      The chief replied, "The drums must not stop."

      The man figured it was their culture and focused on enjoying the day, studying and spending time with the tribe.

      That night, the drums again kept the man awake for the whole night and in the morning he spoke with the chief. "Chief, please! I need some sleep; couldn't the drums cease for just one night for my health?"

      The chief replied, "The drums must not stop."

      The man, frustrated, let the issue drop and tried to focus on the day at hand, but could not focus due to lack of sleep and the incessant pounding of the drums.

      That night, the beating of the drums left the man sleepless yet again in the morning he angrily approached the chief. "Chief, I've just about had it. The drums must stop; it is impossible to get and rest with them."

      The chief replied, "The drums must not stop."

      "Why! Why can the drums not stop? What happens when the drums stop?!"

      The chief replied, "Bass solo."

      Tags:
      • Drum
      • Music
      • Tribe
      • Jungle
      21
      Permalink
    • A reporter asked Trump, "What does the J stand for in Donald J Trump?"

      Trump replied, "The J stands for Genius."

      Tags:
      • Donald Trump
      00
      Permalink
    • A boy to his dad: "What's polygamy?"

      "It's having one wife too many", he says.

      "And what is monogamy?"

      "... the same"

      Tags:
      • Marriage
      00
      Permalink
    • I went to the zoo and saw a baguette in the cage

      The zookeeper said it was bread in captivity.

      Tags:
      • Zoo
      • Bread
      00
      Permalink
    • A girl in a restaurant asked me "Are you single?"

      "Yes, in fact", I happily replied.

      Then she took away the extra chair in front of me.

      Tags:
      • Relationship
      • Restaurant
      00
      Permalink
    • Robin was having problems starting the Batmobile, so he went to Batman and said, "The Batmobile won't start! What do we do?"

      "Have you checked the battery?" asked Batman.

      Confused, Robin asked, "What's an Ery?"

      Tags:
      • Batman
      00
      Permalink
    • An Alaskan was on trial in Anchorage.

      The prosecutor leaned menacingly toward him and asked:

      "Where were you on the night of October to April?"

      Tags:
      • Alaska
      • Lawyer
      • Winter
      00
      Permalink
    • It's easy to tell the gender of any animal - just give it some food!

      If she eats the food, then it's a girl.

      But if he eats the food, then it's a boy.

      Tags:
      • Animal
      00
      Permalink
    • What do you call 1,000 heavily armed lesbians?

      Militia Etheridge.

      Tags:
      • Lesbian
      • Melissa Etheridge
      00
      Permalink
    • Why did the fat turkey cross the road?

      To get hit by my car.

      Tags:
      • Car
      • Fat
      • Turkey
      00
      Permalink
    • An Irish doctor was puzzled with his patient. He said, "I'm very sorry but I can't diagnose your problem, Mahoney. I think it must be alcohol. "

      "Don't worry about it, Dr. Kelley," replied the patient, "I'll come back when you're sober."

      Tags:
      • Drunk
      • Irish
      • Doctor
      • Alcohol
      00
      Permalink
    • I went to the shop to buy 6 cans of Sprite.

      It's only when I got home I realised I had picked 7 up.

      Tags:
      • Soda
      00
      Permalink
    • A fat woman walks into a butcher shop and asks, "How much for the pig's head?"

      The bartender pauses and replies, "Ma'am, that's a mirror."

      Tags:
      • Fat
      • Butcher
      00
      Permalink
    • My neighbour is in the Guinness book of world records.

      He has had 44 concussions. He lives very close to me. Just a stone's throw away, in fact.

      Tags:
      • Guinness
      • Mental health
      00
      Permalink
    • There is a mysterious crime spree going on at the local IKEA.

      But the police are having a hard time putting the pieces together.

      Tags:
      • Ikea
      • Police
      00
      Permalink
    • Wife: Our new neighbor always kisses his wife when he leaves for work. Why don't you do that?

      Me: Because I hardly know her.

      Tags:
      • Wife
      00
      Permalink
    • "Relax Peter, it's just a small cut with a scalpel, no need to be nervous," said the doctor.

      "Doctor, my name isn't Peter..."

      "I know, I'm Peter."

      Tags:
      • Doctor
      00
      Permalink
    • A police man pulled over a miner.

      The police man asks, "Whose car is this? Where are you going? And what do you do?"

      The miner responds, "Mine".

      Tags:
      • Mining
      • Police
      00
      Permalink
    • Pilot: "Tower, please call me a fuel truck."

      Tower: "Roger. You are a fuel truck."

      Tags:
      • Airport
      • Airplane
      00
      Permalink
    • What kind of snake is good at math?

      An adder.

      Tags:
      • Math
      • Snake
      00
      Permalink
    • A family is driving in their car on a holiday.

      A frog crosses the road and the husband, who is driving, is able to stop the car.

      He gets out an takes the frog and carries him to the side of the road.

      The frog is grateful. He thanks the man, and tells him that he will grant him one wish.

      The man says, "Please make my dog win the next dog race."

      The frog asks to look at the dog which jumps out of the car.

      The frog notices that the dog only has three legs and tells the man that he thinks it is almost impossible to fulfill his wish. He asks the man to ask for another wish.

      The man says, "Well, then please help that my wife to win the next beauty contest in the area."

      The frog asks him to tell his wife to get out of the car.

      The wife comes out of the car and approaches the frog.

      The frog turns to the man and says, "Could I please have another look at the dog?"

      Tags:
      • Dog
      • Frog
      • Ugly
      • Wife
      • Wish
      00
      Permalink
    • A man walks into a sofa.

      Couch!

      Tags:
      • Furniture
      00
      Permalink
    • Mum, is it true my baby sister came from Heaven?

      Yes, that's right.

      Well, I don't blame God for throwing her out.

      Tags:
      • Baby
      • Family
      • Heaven
      • Children
      00
      Permalink
    • The defendant stood up in the dock and said to the judge, "I don't recognize this court!"

      "Why?" asked the Judge.

      "Because you've redecorated - and I love it!"

      Tags:
      • Court
      00
      Permalink
    • A quantum physicist gets pulled over.

      The police officer asks "Sir, do you have any idea how fast you were going?" The quantum physicist responds "No, but I know exactly where I am."

      Tags:
      • Police
      • Physics
      00
      Permalink
    • Patient: I always see spots before my eyes.

      Doctor: Didn't the new glasses help?

      Patient: Yes, now I see the spots much clearer.

      Tags:
      • Doctor
      • Eyesight
      00
      Permalink
    • Teacher: "This note from your father looks like your handwriting?"

      Little Johnny: "Well, yes, he borrowed my pen!"

      Tags:
      • Little Johnny
      00
      Permalink
    • A mugger jumps out in front of a university student and shouts "your money or your life!"

      The student keeps walking, and says "Sorry mate, I'm a Computer Science student. I don't have either".

      Tags:
      • Money
      • College
      • Programming
      00
      Permalink
    • "Son, I don't think you're cut out to be a mime."

      "Was it something I said?" asks the son.

      "Yes."

      Tags:
      • Mime
      00
      Permalink
    • A mathematician stumbles home drunk at 3 a.m. and his wife is livid. "You SWORE that you'd be home by 11:45!"

      "No," slurs the mathematician. "I said I'd be home by a quarter of 12."

      Tags:
      • Math
      • Drunk
      00
      Permalink
    • A word of advice: Don't run behind cars.

      You'll get exhausted.

      Tags:
      • Car
      • Running
      00
      Permalink
    • Two blondes were driving to Disneyland.

      The sign said "Disneyland Left."

      So they started crying and headed home.

      Tags:
      • Blonde
      • Disney
      • Driving
      00
      Permalink
    • Bob told his wife, "I can't work for my boss anymore after what he said to me".

      Wife: What did he say?

      Bob: You're fired

      Tags:
      • Boss
      • Fired
      00
      Permalink
    • A kid called up his mom from his college and asked her for some money, because he ran out of it.

      His mom said, "Sure, sweetie. I'll will send you some money. You also left your calculus book here when you visited 2 weeks ago. Do you want me to send that up too?"

      "Uhh, oh yeah, okay," responded the kid.

      So his mom wrapped the book along with the checks up in a package and went to the post office to mail the money and the book.

      When she gets back, her husband asked, "Well how much did you give the boy his time?"

      She said, "Oh, I wrote 2 checks, one for $20 and the other for $1000 out to him."

      "That's $1020!" yelled her husband. "Are you crazy?"

      "Don't worry, Hon," she said.

      "I taped the $20 check to the cover of his book, but I put the $1000 one somewhere between the pages in chapter 19!"

      Tags:
      • Math
      • Money
      • College
      00
      Permalink
    • Me: "Judge, 60% of my parking tickets are bogus!!"

      Judge: "Repeat infractions?"

      Me: "Ok, 3/5 of my parking tickets are bogus!"

      Tags:
      • Court
      00
      Permalink
    • A man took his father to a nursing home for the first time. His father was an elderly man, who had to be in a wheelchair. They toured the facility by themselves and at the end of the tour, the man told his father that he needed to use the restroom and would leave him in the common area for a few minutes to decide whether this place was right for him.

      A moment passed, and the father started to lean to his right side very slowly, to which a nurse at the desk promptly rushed up to him, leaned him back upright and put a pillow on his right side, and then went on to take care of another patient.

      After another moment passed, the father started leaning to his left side, to which another nurse who was passing by, promptly leaned him back upright and put a pillow on his left side, and then went on to take care of another patient.

      After another moment passed, the father started leaning forward in his wheelchair, to which a third nurse noticed this, promptly leaned him back to upright and put 3 pillows on his lap, and then went on to take care of another patient.

      The man returned, and upon seeing his elderly father with pillows says, "Wow Pop, you look very comfortable! What do you think of this place?"

      The father, frowned, turned to his son and said, "Son, this place is horrible, they don't even let you fart here!"

      Tags:
      • Fart
      • Old People
      • Wheelchair
      • Nursing Home
      00
      Permalink
    • A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub.

      She gestures alluringly to the bartender who comes over immediately.

      When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers.

      When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard which is full and bushy.

      "Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands.

      "Actually, no," he replied.

      "Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said, running her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair.

      "I'm afraid I can't," breathes the bartender, clearly in trouble. "Is there anything I can do?"

      "Yes there is. I need you to give him a message," she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

      "Tell him that there is no toilet paper in the ladies room."

      Tags:
      • Bar
      • Toilet
      00
      Permalink
    • My wife left me.

      According to her, she is sick of me talking behind her back and pushing her around.

      In my defence, she's in a wheelchair.

      Tags:
      • Wife
      • Divorce
      • Wheelchair
      00
      Permalink
    • First Boy: Why is your brother always flying off the handle?

      Second Boy: Because he's got a screw loose!

      Tags:
      • Brother
      00
      Permalink
    • A farmer in the country has a watermelon patch and upon inspection he discovers that some of the local kids have been helping themselves to a feast.

      The farmer thinks of ways to discourage this profit-eating situation. So he puts up a sign that reads: "WARNING! ONE OF THESE WATERMELONS CONTAINS CYANIDE!" He smiled smugly as he watched the kids run off the next night without eating any of his melons.

      The farmer returns to the watermelon patch a week later to discover that none of the watermelons have been eaten, but finds another sign that reads: "NOW THERE ARE TWO!"

      Tags:
      • Farmer
      • Poison
      00
      Permalink
    • A woman gave her two sons to different families for adoption.

      One goes to an Egyptian family and is called Amal.

      The second child goes to Spain and is called Juan.

      Many years later, Juan sends his mother a photo of himself.

      She turns to her sister saying that she wished that she had a photo of her other son.

      The sister responded "Hey, they are identical twins. If you have seen Juan, you have seen Amal."

      Tags:
      • Twin
      • Family
      • Adoption
      00
      Permalink
    • Once there was a king who had 10 wild dogs. He used them to torture and eat all the ministers who made mistakes.

      Once, one of the ministers gave an opinion which was wrong, and which the king didn't like at all. So he ordered for the minister to be thrown to the dogs.

      So the minister said, "I served you 10 years and you do this..? Please give me 10 days before you throw me in with those dogs!"

      So the king agreed. In those 10 days the minister went to the guard that was guarding the dogs and told him he wants to serve the dogs for the next 10 days. The guard was baffled, But he agreed.

      So the minister started feeding the dogs, cleaning them, washing them, providing all sorts of comfort to them.

      When the 10 days were up, the king ordered that the minister be thrown in to the dogs as his punishment. But when he was thrown in, everyone was amazed at what they saw. They saw the dogs licking the feet of the minister!

      So the king, baffled at what he saw, said, "What happened to my dogs?!"

      The minister then said, "I served the dogs for 10 days and they didn't forget my service. Yet I served you for 10 years and you forgot it all on the first mistake!"

      So the king realised his mistake and got wolves instead.

      Tags:
      • Dog
      • King
      • Priest
      00
      Permalink
    • The final paper is due for a large class at Harvard, worth 50% of the grade. The professor has made it very clear that the paper must be turned in by 2 P.M. on the dot.

      He stands at his office door as 2 PM approaches, collecting papers from the last few stragglers. As the clock strikes 2, he turns to go back into his office, when a student runs up to him, paper in hand. "Professor, professor!" The student says. "I'm so sorry. Please, I'm only a few seconds late, will you make an exception just this once?"

      "Sorry," says the professor. "I was very clear about the deadline for this assignment."

      The student gets angry. "DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?!"

      "No..." says the professor.

      "Good!" the student says, and shoves his work into the stack of papers and runs off.

      Tags:
      • College
      • Professor
      00
      Permalink
    • A Politician wanted to build a bridge. So, he calls 3 engineering firms. One is Chinese, another is American, and the last one is Brazillian. The politician calls the heads of all the 3 firms to his office.

      He asks the Chinese head, "How much do you take to build the bridge?"

      He says, "3 Million Dollars. 1 Million for the workers, 1 Million for materials, 1 million for the profit."

      The Politician asks the American head, "How much do you take to build the bridge?"

      He says, "6 Million Dollars. 2 Million for the workers, 2 Million for materials, 2 million for the profit."

      Finally, the Politician asks the Brazillian head, "How much do you take to build the bridge?"

      He replies, "9 Million Dollars."

      Surprised, the Politician asks him, "Why? Why so much?"

      To which he replies, "3 Million for me, 3 Million for you, and 3 Million for the Chinese guy to build the bridge."

      Tags:
      • China
      • America
      • Politics
      • Brazil
      00
      Permalink
    • A snake and a rabbit were racing along a pair of intersecting forest pathways one day, when they collided at the intersection.

      They immediately began to argue with one another as to who was at fault for the mishap.

      When the snake remarked that he had been blind since birth, and thus should be given additional leeway, the rabbit said that he, too, had been blind since birth.

      The two animals then forgot about the collision and began commiserating concerning the problems of being blind.

      The snake said that his greatest regret was the loss of his identity.

      He had never been able to see his reflection in the water, and for that reason did not know exactly what he looked like, or even what he was.

      The rabbit declared that he had the same problem.

      Seeing a way that they could help each other, the rabbit proposed that one feel the other from head to toe, and then try to describe what the other animal was.

      The snake agreed, and started by winding himself around the rabbit.

      After a few moments, he announced, "You've got very soft, fuzzy fur, long ears, big rear feet, and a little fuzzy ball for a tail.

      I think that you must be a bunny rabbit!"

      The rabbit was much relieved to find his identity, and proceeded to return the favor to the snake.

      After feeling about the snake's body for a few minutes, he asserted, "Well, you're scaly, you're slimy, you've got beady little eyes, you squirm and slither all the time, and you've got a forked tongue.

      I think you're a lawyer!"

      Tags:
      • Snake
      • Lawyer
      • Rabbit
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    • Doctor: It looks like you're pregnant.

      Woman: I'm pregnant?

      Doctor: No it just looks like you are.

      Tags:
      • Fat
      • Doctor
      • Pregnancy
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    • Several years ago, Andy was sentenced to prison.

      During his stay, he got along well with the guards and all his fellow inmates.

      The warden saw that deep down, Andy was a good person and made arrangements for Andy to learn a trade while doing his time.

      After 3 years, Andy was recognized as one of the best carpenters in the local area.

      Often he would be given a weekend pass to do odd jobs for the citizens of the community, and he always reported back to prison before Sunday night was over.

      The warden was thinking of remodeling his kitchen and in fact had done much of the work himself.

      But he lacked the skills to build a set of kitchen cupboards and a large counter top which he had promised his wife.

      So he called Andy into his office and asked him to complete the job for him.

      But, alas, Andy refused.

      He told the warden, "Gosh, I'd really like to help you but counter fitting is what got me into prison in the first place."

      Tags:
      • Jail
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    • An Irish girl tells her mom she decided to be a prostitute.

      Her mom says, "A WHAT?!!"

      The daughter says, "A prostitute."

      "Thank god," says the mom. "I thought you said a Protestant."

      Tags:
      • Irish
      • Catholic
      • Daughter
      • Protestant
      • Prostitution
      00
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    • A horse walks into a bar and says, "On a right-angled triangle with sides X, Y and Z, if X and Z are perpendicular, which side is opposite the right angle?"

      The bartender says, "Y, the long face."

      Tags:
      • Bar
      • Math
      • Horse
      • Geometry
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    • Every night after dinner, Harry took off for the local watering hole.

      He would spend the whole evening there and always arrive home, well inebriated, around midnight each night.

      He usually had trouble getting his key to fit the keyhole and couldn't get the door open.

      And, every time this happened, his wife would go to the door and let him in.

      Then, she would proceed to yell and scream at him for his constant nights out and coming home in a drunken state.

      But, Harry still continued his nightly routine.

      One day, the distraught wife was talking to a friend about her husband's behavior.

      The friend listened and suggested, "Why don't you treat him a little differently when he comes home? Instead of berating him, why don't you give him some loving words and welcome him home with a kiss? Then, he might change his ways."

      The wife thought this might be a good idea.

      That night, Harry took off again after dinner.

      And, at about midnight, he arrived home in his usual condition.

      His wife heard him at the door.

      She quickly opened it and let Harry in.

      Instead of beating him as she had always done, this time she took his arm and led him into the living room.

      She sat Harry down in an easy chair, put his feet up on the foot stool, and took his shoes off.

      Then, she went behind him and started to cuddle him a little.

      After a short while, she whispered to Harry, "It's pretty late, dear. I think we should go upstairs to bed now, don't you think?"

      Harry replied in his inebriated state, "Heck, I guess we might as well. I'll get in trouble when I get home anyway!"

      Tags:
      • Wife
      • Alcohol
      00
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    • Yttrium-barium-copper oxide walks into a bar

      The bartender tells him, "We don't serve superconductors here."

      He leaves without resistance.

      Tags:
      • Bar
      • Physics
      • Chemistry
      11
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    • A man calls the fire department and says, "Yes, I have just had my front yard landscaped, I have a nice new flower bed, a new fish pond with a fountain and a new rose garden."

      "Very nice," the firefighter says, "but what does that have to do with the fire service?"

      "Well," the man answers, "the house next door is on fire and I don't want you to trample my front yard."

      Tags:
      • Fire
      • Fireman
      00
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    • A blonde was headed to Detroit.

      She got on the plane and sat down in first class.

      A few minutes later, a flight attendant came up to her and told her that her ticket was for coach and she had to move from the seat.

      She refused.

      The flight attendant was persistent, but the blonde replied, "No, I want to sit here, I've always wanted to see what it is like in first class."

      The flight attendant was getting frustrated.

      Finally, after quite some time, she convinced her to move.

      Another passenger who overheard the conversation asked the attendant, "How did you get her to move?"

      The flight attendant replied, "I told her that first class doesn't stop in Detroit."

      Tags:
      • Blonde
      • Airplane
      00
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    • Wife: "Dear God, I wish you could make my husband pay more attention to me, protect me, take me out, sleep close to me at night. I wish he would be more caring even if I got the smallest of scratches."

      God then turned her into a smartphone.

      Tags:
      • Wife
      • Husband
      00
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    • A guy was in the store buying a fake Christmas tree. The shop attendant asked him, "Are you going to put that tree up yourself?"

      The guy replied, "Don't be disgusting! I'm going to put it in the living room!"

      Tags:
      • Christmas
      00
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    • A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.

      Saint Peter addresses this guy, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?"

      The guy replies, "I'm Joe Cohen, taxi-driver, of New York City."

      Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi-driver, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven." The taxi-driver goes into Heaven with his robe and staff.

      It's the minister's turn now. He stands erect and booms out, "I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Saint Mary's for the last forty-three years."

      Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the minister, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."

      "Just a minute," says the minister. "That man was a taxi-driver and he gets a silken robe and golden staff. How can this be?"

      "Up here, we work by results," says Saint Peter. "While you preached, people slept; while he drove, people prayed."

      Tags:
      • Taxi
      • Heaven
      • Priest
      • New York
      • St. Peter
      00
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    • A mother in Law doesn't trust her sons-in-law, so she decides to test them.

      First, she goes to the oldest's house. She jumps into a well, but her son-in-law rescues her promptly. The next morning, the oldest son-in-law finds a brand new Suzuki in front of his house with a little note: "Lots of love, your mother in Law."

      The next day, she goes to her second son-in-law's house. She jumps into a well once again. Her son-in-law rescues her, but only after pondering about the decision for a while. The next morning, the second son-in-law finds a second-hand bicycle in front of his house with a little note: "Love, your mother in Law."

      Finally, the next day she goes to see her third son-in-law. She jumps into a well, but the youngest son-in-law doesn't rescue her, so she drowns and dies. The next morning, the youngest son-in-law finds a splendid new Porsche in front of his house with a little note: "Thank you. Your loving father-in-law."

      Tags:
      • Mother In Law
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    • Comments made by Programmers when their programs don't work:

      Strange...

      I've never heard about that.

      It did work yesterday.

      Well, the program needs some fixing.

      How is this possible?

      The machine seems to be broken.

      Has the operating system been updated?

      The user has made an error again.

      There is something wrong in your test data.

      I have not touched that module!

      Yes yes, it will be ready in time.

      You must have the wrong executable.

      Oh, it's just a feature.

      I'm almost ready.

      Of course, I just have to do these small fixes.

      It will be done in no time at all.

      It's just some unlucky coincidence.

      I can't test everything!

      THIS can't do THAT.

      Didn't I fix it already?

      It's already there, but it has not been tested.

      It works, but it's not been tested.

      Somebody must have changed my code.

      There must be a virus in the application software.

      Even though I t does not work, how does it feel?

      How come you didn't find it during the system testing?

      It's a setup problem.

      And the Ultimate: A smart user would never do that!

      Tags:
      • Computer
      • Programming
      00
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    • A cop pulls over a driver.

      "Have you been drinking, sir?" says the cop.

      "Why?" says the driver. "Is there a fat chick in my car?"

      Tags:
      • Police
      • Alcohol
      • Driving
      00
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    • An old man on crowded bus has trouble finding a seat.

      The bus careened down the avenue, shaking the passengers from left to right, and the old man, unable to support himself properly with his cane, fell to the floor.

      Little Johnny, sitting nearby, looked down at him and said, "If you put a little rubber cap on the end of your cane, you wouldn't fall like that."

      The old man looked up and replied, "If your daddy had done the same, I would have a place to sit on this stupid bus."

      Tags:
      • Children
      • Old People
      • Little Johnny
      00
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    • Two girlfriends were speeding down the highway at well over a 100 miles per hour.

      "Hey," asked the brunette at the wheel, "see any cops following us?"

      The blonde turned around for a long look. "As a matter of fact, I do."

      "Oh, NOOOO!" yelled the brunette. "Are his flashers on?"

      The blonde turned around again. "Yes... no... yes... no...yes..."

      Tags:
      • Car
      • Blonde
      • Police
      • Driving
      00
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    • A lawyer, an engineer and a mathematician were called in for a test.

      The engineer went in first and was asked, "What is 2+2?"

      The engineer thought awhile and finally answered, "4."

      Then the mathematician was called in and was asked the same question.

      With little thought he replied, "4.0"

      Then the lawyer was called in, and was asked the same question.

      The lawyer answered even quicker than the mathematician, "What do you want it to be?"

      Tags:
      • Math
      • Lawyer
      00
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    • A wife overhears her husband watching tv.

      "No, don't do it!" yells the man.

      A moment later the man yells even louder, "Don't do it, you idiot!"

      The wife asks, "What are you watching?"

      "Our wedding tape."

      Tags:
      • Wedding
      • Marriage
      00
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    • There once was a man who made dead houses;
      Stored them under his home with the bugs and the mouses;

      The coffins he made were of rich sleek wood;
      He built them as big, yet as fast as he could;

      For his caskets were haunted and were said to walk;
      one night he went to his basement, and one started to rock;

      It moved towards him, his insides began to soften;
      So he pulled out some Halls, cause Halls stops the coffin.

      Tags:
      • Dark Humor
      • Poetry
      00
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    • A shy priest greets the wedding guests to the Chapel. He's very nervous and doesn't say much.

      As the couple approach the altar the priest steps up and gives the best speech anyone has ever heard. He's full of confidence, incredibly expressive and has everyone in fits of laughter!

      After the vows, the priest is extremely shy and barely says a word to anyone.

      The groom approaches the him and asks, "Why are you so shy? You seemed like a different person when you were giving that speech!"

      "I know..." Says the priest, "but that was just my altar ego".

      Tags:
      • Priest
      00
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    • A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner. "Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners."

      "Go away!" said the old lady. "I'm broke and haven't got any money!" She proceeded to close the door.

      Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open. "Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration."

      And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet. "If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder."

      The old lady stepped back and said, "Well let me get you a fork, 'cause they cut off my electricity this morning."

      Tags:
      • Vacuum
      • Salesman
      • Electricity
      00
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    • A blonde goes into a near by store and asks the clerk if she can buy the TV in the corner.

      The store clerk looks at her and says that he doesn't serve blondes, so she goes back home and dyes her hair black.

      The next day and asks the same thing, and again he said he doesn't serve blondes.

      Frustrated, the blonde goes back home and dyes her hair yet again, to a shade of red.

      Sure the clerk would sell her the TV by now, she returns and asks a different clerk this time.

      To her astonishment, this clerk also says she doesn't serve blondes as well.

      The blonde asks the clerk, "How in the world do you know I'm a blonde?"

      The clerk looks at her and says, "That's not a TV- it's a microwave!"

      Tags:
      • Blonde
      00
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    • Three Russians are sitting together in the train that takes them to the Gulag.

      One of them asks the two others: "So what did you do?"

      The first one answers: "Well, I arrived late at the factory, and so they accused me of slowing down the Revolution and the victory of the Proletariat."

      The second one answers: "Well, I arrived early at the factory, and so they accused me of wanting to be favored and promoted over my fellow workers."

      Then they turn to the one who asked the question: "How about you, then?"

      "Well, I arrived at the factory right on time, and so they accused me of having a watch from the West."

      Tags:
      • Train
      • Russia
      00
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    • While sports fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat.

      He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft.

      Spotting an old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted,"Are there any gators around here?!"

      "Naw," the man hollered back, "they ain't been around for years!"

      Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming leisurely toward the shore.

      About halfway there he asked the guy, "How'd you get rid of the gators?"

      "We didn't do nothin'," the beachcomber said.

      "The sharks got 'em."

      Tags:
      • Shark
      • Florida
      • Alligator
      00
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    • Boudreaux, the smoothest-talking Cajun in the Louisiana National Guard, got called up to active duty. Boudreaux's first assignment was in a military induction center.

      Because he was a good talker, they assigned him the duty of advising new recruits about government benefits, especially the GI insurance to which they were entitled. The officer in charge soon noticed that Boudreaux was getting a 99% sign-up rate for the more expensive supplemental form of GI insurance. This was remarkable, because it cost these low-income recruits $30.00 per month for the higher coverage, compared to what the government was already providing at no charge. The officer decided he'd sit in the back of the room at the next briefing and observe Boudreaux's sales pitch.

      Boudreaux stood up before the latest group of inductees and said, "If you has da normal GI insurans an' you goes to Afghanistan an' gets youself killed, da govment' pays you benefishery $20,000. If you takes out da suppmental insurans, which cost you only t'irty dollars a munt, den da governmen' gots at pay you benefishery $400,000!"

      "Now," Boudreaux concluded, "which bunch you tink dey gonna send at Afghanistan first?"

      Tags:
      • Military
      • Insurance
      • Louisiana
      • Government
      00
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    • Three lawyers are buying tickets for a train to Chicago. Ahead of them in line, three engineers purchase a single ticket. One of the lawyers asks, "How are you going to travel with just a ticket between the three of you?"

      "Watch and you'll see," winks one of the engineers.

      The train arrives, and the six of them climb on. The three lawyers take their seats while the three engineers pile into a bathroom. The train gets underway. A conductor starts making his rounds. Noticing the bathroom is occupied, he knocks on the door and asks, "Ticket, please."

      The door cracks open a hair, and a single ticket is offered. The conductor punches it, and continues on. The three lawyers admit that this is a good trick, and that they should try it on their next journey.

      As luck would have it, after spending a few days in Chicago, they see that the three engineers will be on board their train. The lawyers purchase a single ticket for the three of them, while the engineers don't buy a ticket at all. One of the lawyers asks, "How are you going to ride, if you don't have a ticket?"

      "Watch and you'll see," came the reply.

      The lawyers get on the train, and scramble into a bathroom. The engineers cram themselves into an adjacent bathroom. The train leaves, and picks up speed.

      One of the engineers gets out of the bathroom, walks over to the lawyers' bathroom, and knocks. "Ticket, please."

      Tags:
      • Train
      • Lawyer
      • Bathroom
      • Engineer
      00
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    • A husband and wife grow distressed as more and more uninvited guests swarm into their party.

      The husband has a plan. He moves to the front, manages to get everyone's attention, and calls out, "If you're from the groom's side, please stand up."

      About one fourth of the guests stands up. He calls out, "Those from the bride's side, please stand up." Another one fourth of the guests stands up.

      He smiles and says, "If you are standing up, please leave. This is a birthday party."

      Tags:
      • Party
      • Birthday
      00
      Permalink
    • What do you call a woman who has lost 95 percent of her intelligence?

      Divorced.

      Tags:
      • Women
      • Divorce
      00
      Permalink
    • Two bone weary public servants were working their little hearts and souls out. Their department was just too busy for staff to be able take flex. But there had to be a way ...

      One of the two public servants suddenly lifted his head. "I know how to get some time off work" the man whispered.

      "How?" asked the second worker.

      Instead of answering, the man quickly looked around. No sign of his Director. He jumped up on his desk, kicked out a couple of ceiling tiles and hoisted himself up. "Look!" he hissed, then swinging his legs over a metal pipe, hung upside down.

      Within seconds, the Director emerged from the Branch Head's office at the far end of the floor. He saw the worker hanging from the ceiling, and asked him what on Earth he thought he was doing.

      "I'm a light bulb" answered the public servant.

      "I think you need some time off," barked the Director. "Get out of here - that's an order - and I don't want to see you back here for at least another two days! You understand me?"

      "Yes sir", the public servant answered meekly, then jumped down, logged off his computer and left.

      The second worker was hot on his heels.

      "Where do you think you're going?" the boss asked.

      "Home," he said lightly. "I can't work in the dark."

      Tags:
      • Boss
      • Computer
      00
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    • Bob walks into a sports bar around 9:58 PM. He sits down next to this blonde at the bar and stares up at the TV.

      The 10:00 news was just coming on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building about to jump.

      The blonde looks at Bob and says, "Do you think he'll jump?"

      Bob says, "You know, I bet he will."

      The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."

      Bob placed $20 on the bar and said, "You're on!"

      Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy did a swan dive off of the building, falling to his death.

      The blonde was very upset and handed her $20 to Bob.

      "Fair is fair," she says. "Here's your money."

      Bob replies, "I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 o'clock news and knew he would jump."

      The blonde replies, "I saw that too, but I didn't think he'd do it again."

      Tags:
      • Bar
      • News
      • Blonde
      00
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    • The drunken wino was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter.

      A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, sir. You're obviously drunk"

      The wasted wino asked, "Ociffer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?"

      "Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the cop. "Let's go."

      Obviously relieved, the wino said, "That's a relief - I thought I was a cripple."

      Tags:
      • Drunk
      • Police
      • Handicapped
      00
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    • A young man is found fishing near a pond by a police officer. His bucket of fish is full.

      Cop: "Do you have your fishing permit on you young man?"

      Fisherman: "No sir. They're my fish. I brought them from home."

      Cop: "What do you mean brought them from home?"

      Fisherman: "Every day I come here and let the fish swim in the pond, and then I call them back."

      Cop: "What? How?"

      Fisherman: "I whistle at them and they jump back into the bucket."

      Cop: "Show me."

      At this point the young man empties his bucket and stands still.

      Cop: "So..."

      Fisherman: "So what?"

      Cop: "Call the fish!!"

      Fisherman: "What fish?"

      Tags:
      • Police
      • Fishing
      00
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    • "Did you just say something?"

      "Uhhh nope?" "Really? I could swear you just asked me if I wanted a hotdog."

      "No I didn't."

      "Good, because I'm vegan."

      Tags:
      • Vegan
      00
      Permalink
    • Why do Republican tax cuts always expire in ten years or less?

      They want to make them thirty but keep running out of fingers.

      Tags:
      • Tax
      • Idiot
      • Republican
      00
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    • So I'm driving from Santa Fe to Albuquerque when I see an American Indian lying on the road with his ear to the ground. Curious, I pull over, walk up to him and ask, "Excuse me, what are you doing?"

      He says, "Silver 1991 Chevy station wagon, one man, one woman, two children."

      I say, "Wow, you can tell all that just by listening to the road?"

      He says, "No, they just ran me over!"

      Tags:
      • Driving
      00
      Permalink
    • What do you call a bunch of Blondes in Antarctica?

      Frosted Flakes.

      Tags:
      • Blonde
      00
      Permalink
    • So, a stutterer was a wedding.

      He stand's up and says, "hip, hip."

      And then everyone on the wedding party said with their glasses raised, "HURRAY"

      The stutterer, tried again, but louder, "HIP!! HIP!!"

      Everyone raised their glasses again and shouted out of their lungs! "HUURRAAAAY!!!!!"

      The stutterer, again, yelled with both arms raised! "HIIPPPP!! HIPPP!!!"

      Everyone on the party became one, all the happiness expressed with one single shout, "HURRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!!"

      But then, everyone was killed by a herd of Hippopotamuses.

      Tags:
      • Animal
      • Speech impediment
      00
      Permalink
    • Roses are red

      Violets are purple

      I just got raped by a clown

      Tags:
      • Poetry
      00
      Permalink
    • My mom tripped and dropped the basket of clothes she'd just ironed.

      It may sound far-fetched, but it's true - I watched it all unfold.

      Tags:
      • Ironing
      • Laundry
      • Clothing
      00
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    • A little girl asks her grandpa, "Would you make a frog noise for me, Grandpa?"

      The grandpa, confused, asks, "Why?"

      The little girl replies, "Dad says when you croak we are all going to Disneyland".

      Tags:
      • Frog
      • Grandfather
      00
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    • A man walks into a bar and orders a shot then looks into his pocket.

      He does this over and over again.

      Finally the bartender asks why he orders a shot and after drinking it he looks into his pocket.

      The man responded " I have a picture of my wife in there and when she starts to look good then I'll go home."

      Tags:
      • Bar
      • Wife
      00
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    • A man walks into a bar and spies two lovely women sitting by the entrance. As he walks towards the bar, he sees one tap the other shoulder and point at him. She looks him up and down and says "9", followed by giggling.

      The man goes over to his buddy and boasts that the two lovely ladies by the entrance had said he was a 9.

      "Yeah, sorry man, but when I walked in they were speaking German."

      Tags:
      • Bar
      • Germany
      00
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    • I had a job interview recently, and the interviewer slid his laptop across the table and said "sell this to me."

      I closed the screen, unplugged it, and left. I ignored his calls for about three hours. When I did answer, he said "Where is my laptop?!"

      "You wanna buy it?"

      Tags:
      • Job interview
      00
      Permalink
    • So some racehorses are chatting in the stables. When one starts to boast of his track record. "Out of my last 15 races, I've won 8!"

      "That's nothing, I've won 19 of my last 27," said another.

      "Oh that's good," says an older horse. "But out of my last 36 races, I've won 28!"

      At this point the racehorses notice that a greyhound had been siting silently, listening into the conversation. "Excuse me gentlemen. But out of my last 72 races. I've won 70 of them," says the greyhound smugly.

      "Holy Fuck!" Exclaimed one of the horses. "A Talking Dog?"

      Tags:
      • Dog
      • Horse
      00
      Permalink
    • I went to the dentist.

      I sat down in the chair and he said, "Open up for me..."

      "OK," I said, "my parents don't love me very much."

      Tags:
      • Dentist
      • Parent
      00
      Permalink
    • I just bought the new iPhone, but my son dropped it and the screen shattered.

      Anyways I'm doing a giveaway!

      The kid is 8 years old, cute, thin and not really tall.

      Tags:
      • Adoption
      11
      Permalink
    • A husband went to the police station to file a "missing person" report for his missing wife.

      Husband: I lost my wife, she went shopping hasn't come back yet.

      Inspector: What is her height?

      Husband: Average, I guess.

      Inspector: Slim or "healthy"?

      Husband: Not slim, but probably healthy.

      Inspector: Color of eyes?

      Husband: Never noticed.

      Inspector: Color of hair?

      Husband: Changes according to season.

      Inspector: What was she wearing?

      Husband: Not sure, either a dress or a suit.

      Inspector: Was she driving?

      Husband: Yes.

      Inspector: Color of the car?

      Husband: Black Audi A8 with supercharged 3.0 litre V6 engine generating 333 horse power and an eight-speed tiptronic automatic transmission with manual mode. It also has full LED headlights, which use light emitting diodes for all light functions and has a very thin scratch on the front left door... and then the husband started crying

      Inspector: Don't worry sir,...We will find your car.

      Tags:
      • Car
      • Wife
      • Police
      00
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    • My deaf girlfriend was talking in her sleep last night.

      She nearly took my fucking eye out.

      Tags:
      • Deafness
      • Girlfriend
      00
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    • You are on a horse, galloping at a constant speed. On your right side is a sharp drop off, and on your left side is an elephant traveling at the same speed as you. Directly in front of you is another galloping horse, but your horse is unable to overtake it. Behind you is a lion running at the same speed as you and the horse in front of you. What do you do to get yourself out of this dangerous situation?

      Get your drunk ass off the merry-go-round.

      Tags:
      • Drunk
      • Horse
      • Elephant
      00
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    • I've been trying to buy a train ticket online for over an hour now.

      It's really pissing me off. Every time it asks me, "Where do you want to go?" So I click on the 'Home' icon and it starts all over again.

      Tags:
      • Train
      00
      Permalink
    • What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a flashing yellow traffic light?

      The color.

      Tags:
      • Driving
      00
      Permalink
    • Kid: Waaaahhhhh! MY TOY IS BROKEN!

      Dad: Nothing a little duct tape can't fix.

      Kid: mrnm... mmrm.. rnmr...

      Tags:
      • Father
      00
      Permalink
    • Linda had a heart attack and was brought to the emergency room while clinically dead. The doctors managed to revive her, but during her coma she saw a bright light and God appeared to her.

      She asked him, "Tell me, God, is it true that vaccines could cause autism?"

      "No, autism is a condition that develops during pregnancy."

      After getting well, she met her friends and told them about her experience: "Girls, I have awful news: the conspiracy goes way higher than we've thought"

      Tags:
      • God
      • Autism
      • Pregnancy
      00
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    • Fred: Thank you so much for lending me that money. I shall be forever in your debt.

      Harry: That's what I'm afraid of!

      Tags:
      • Loan
      • Money
      00
      Permalink
    • A blonde rings up an airline.

      She asks, "How long are your flights from America to England?"

      The woman on the other end of the phone says, "Just a minute..."

      The blonde says, "Thanks!" and hangs up the phone.

      Tags:
      • Blonde
      00
      Permalink
    • Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprimand the child.

      Smiling sweetly, the Sunday school teacher said, "Johnny, when I was a little girl, I was told if that I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that."

      Little Johnny looked up and replied, "Well, Ms Smith, you can't say you weren't warned."

      Tags:
      • Little Johnny
      00
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    • The teacher wrote on the blackboard: "I ain't had no fun in months."

      Then asked the class, "How should I correct this sentence?"

      Little Johnny raised his had and replied, "Get yourself a new boyfriend."

      Tags:
      • Teacher
      • Little Johnny
      00
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    • One night a man walks into a bar looking sad. The bartender asks the man what he wants.

      The man says "Oh just a beer".

      The bartender asked the man "Whats wrong,why are you so down today?".

      The man said "My wife and I got into a fight,and she said she wouldn't talk to me for a month".

      The bartender said "So whats wrong with that"?

      The man said "Well the month is up tonight".

      Tags:
      • Bar
      • Beer
      • Wife
      • Marriage
      00
      Permalink
    • A Sergeant was addressing a squad of 25 and said: "I have a nice easy job for the laziest man here.

      Put up your hand if you are the laziest."

      24 men raised their hands, and the sergeant asked the other man "why didn't you raise your hand?"

      The man replied: "Too much trouble raising the hand, Sarge."

      Tags:
      • Military
      00
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    • A woman turns to her husband on their silver wedding anniversary and says, 'Darling, will you still love me when my hair turns grey?'

      Her husband replies, 'Why not?

      I stuck with you through the other six shades.'

      Tags:
      • Marriage
      00
      Permalink
    • Teacher: whoever answers my next question, can go home.

      One boy throws his bag out the window.

      Teacher: who just threw that?!

      Boy: Me! I'm going home now.

      Tags:
      • School
      • Teacher
      00
      Permalink
    • Wife to husband: 'My mother says I should never have married you.

      She says you're effeminate.' Husband: 'Compared to her everyone is.'

      Tags:
      • Marriage
      00
      Permalink
    • A woman was telling her friend , "It was I who made my husband a millionaire."

      "And what was he before you married him?" asked the friend.

      The woman replied, "A multi-millionaire".

      Tags:
      • Money
      • Women
      • Husband
      • Marriage
      00
      Permalink
    • An old guy in his Volvo is driving home from work when his wife rings him on his carphone.

      "Honey", she says in a worried voice, "be careful. There was a bit on the news just now, some lunatic is driving the wrong way down the freeway".

      "It's worse than that", he replies, "there are hundreds of them!"

      Tags:
      • Wife
      • Work
      • Old People
      00
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    • A policeman on a motorcycle pulls over a car.

      'What's up?' says the driver.

      'Your wife fell out the passenger door three miles back,' says the policeman.

      'Thank goodness for that,' says the driver. 'I thought I'd gone deaf.'

      Tags:
      • Marriage
      00
      Permalink
    • John: I didn't sleep with my wife before we were married. Did you?

      Bob: I'm not sure. What was your wife's maiden name?

      Tags:
      • Men
      • Wife
      • Marriage
      00
      Permalink
    • Blonde walks into a doctors office and says:

      "Doctor, what's the problem with me?

      When I touch my arm, ouch! It hurts...

      When I touch my leg, ouch! it hurts...

      When I touch my head, ouch! It hurts...

      When I touch my chest, ouch! it really hurts!"

      The Doctor replies: "Your finger is broken."

      Tags:
      • Blonde
      • Doctor
      • Health
      00
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    • I was invited to a party.

      Suddenly I farted when an angry man shouted: "Why do you fart in presence of my wife?"

      I only gazed him for some moments and calmly told him:"Sorry I didn't know it was her turn."

      Tags:
      • Fart
      • Party
      00
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    • Little Johnny's father asked for report card.

      Johnny replied, "I don't have it."

      "Why not?" His father asked.

      "My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents."

      Tags:
      • Little Johnny
      00
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    • A third-grade teacher is getting to know her pupils on the first day of school.

      She turns to one little girl and says, 'And what does your daddy do?'

      The girl replies, 'Whatever Mummy tells him to.'

      Tags:
      • Marriage
      00
      Permalink
    • A wife and her husband were sleeping, in the middle of the night, the husband farted.

      Next morning the guy told his wife: "Last night I dreamed that I've bought a Mercedes!"

      His wife said: "That is right and you tootled for me."

      Tags:
      • Car
      • Fart
      • Marriage
      00
      Permalink
    • Wife: Do you want dinner?

      Husband: Sure, what are my choices?

      Wife: Yes and no.

      Tags:
      • Marriage
      00
      Permalink
    • A man was reading the newspaper during breakfast and said to his wife, "Look at this. Another beautiful actress is going to marry a baseball player who's a total dope!

      I'll never understand why the biggest jerks get the hottest wives."

      His wife said, 'Thank you.'

      Tags:
      • Marriage
      00
      Permalink
    • A guy walks into a bar, sits down and has a drink.

      Suddenly, a man hollers at him, "I screwed your mom last night!"

      Disturbed, the man tries to ignore him.

      Again, he hears, "Your mom was good in bed last night!"

      Again, he tries to ignore it.

      The man is just about to speak again but the guy stops him and says, "Dad, go home, you're drunk!"

      00
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    • Little Johnny's teacher asks, "George Washington not only chopped down his father's Cherry tree, but also admitted doing it.

      Do any of you know why his father didn't punish him?"

      Little Johnny replies, "Because George was the one holding the axe?"

      Tags:
      • Father
      • Teacher
      • Little Johnny
      00
      Permalink
    • Who is brave?

      He who has diarrhea and wants to fart!

      Tags:
      • Fart
      • Health
      • Disgusting
      00
      Permalink
    • Little Mary is at her first wedding.

      When it's over, she asks her mother, 'Why did the lady change her mind?'

      'What do you mean?' asks mother.

      'Well,' replies Mary.

      'She went down the aisle with one man and came back with another.'

      Tags:
      • Marriage
      00
      Permalink
    • Little Johnny catches his parents going at it.

      He says, "Hey, Dad! What are you doing?"

      His father says, "I'm filling your mother's tank."

      Johnny says, "Oh, yeah?

      Well, you should get a model that gets better mileage.

      The milkman filled her this morning."

      Tags:
      • Little Johnny
      00
      Permalink
    • A man rushes into his house and yells to his wife, 'Martha, pack up your things!

      I just won the Lottery!'

      Martha shouts back, 'Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?'

      The man replies, 'I don't care, just as long as you're out of the house by noon!'

      Tags:
      • Marriage
      00
      Permalink
    • A young, freshly minted lieutenant was sent to Bosnia as part of the peacekeeping mission.

      During a briefing on landmines, the captain asked for questions.

      Our intrepid soldier raised his hand and asked, "If we do happen to step on a mine, Sir, what do we do?"

      "Normal procedure, Lieutenant, is to jump 200 feet in the air and scatter oneself over a wide area."

      Tags:
      • Travel
      • Military
      00
      Permalink
    • Little Johnny walks into his dad's bedroom and sees him sliding on a condom.

      His father tries to hide it by bending over, as if to look under the bed.

      Little Johnny asks curiously, "What are you doing, Dad?"

      His father quickly replies, "I thought I saw a mouse go underneath the bed."

      Little Johnny replies, "What are you gonna do - screw him?"

      Tags:
      • Little Johnny
      00
      Permalink
    • A shopkeeper was dismayed when a store opened next door with a huge sign that said, 'BEST DEALS'! To make things worse, another store opened on the other side with a huge sign reading 'LOWEST PRICES'!

      He nearly panicked until he had the idea to put up his own sign, bigger that the other two, that read, 'MAIN ENTRANCE'.

      00
      Permalink
    • Somebody knocks on door:

      Who is there?

      Police?

      What do you want?

      We want to talk.

      How many of you are there?

      Two.

      So talk with each other.

      00
      Permalink
    • What's dumber than a brunette trying to build a house under water?

      A blonde trying to burn it down

      Tags:
      • Blonde
      00
      Permalink
    • Girl to fiance: 'When we're married I want to share all your troubles and worries.'

      Fiance: 'But I don't have any troubles and worries.'

      Girl: 'I know, but we're not married yet.'

      Tags:
      • Marriage
      00
      Permalink
    • In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.

      In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.

      In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.

      Tags:
      • Men
      • Women
      • Marriage
      00
      Permalink
    • Ladies, don't forget the jumble sale.

      It is a good chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house.

      Bring your husbands.

      Tags:
      • Marriage
      00
      Permalink
    • Girl: When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.

      Boy: It's very kind of you, darling, But I don't have any worries or troubles.

      Girl: Well that's because we aren't married yet.

      Tags:
      • Marriage
      00
      Permalink
    • Jack and his wife lived in Arizona where the summers are very hot.

      He woke up one day when they were having a heat wave.

      As he stepped out of the shower he complained to his wife saying, "it's just too hot to wear any clothes on a day like this. What would the neighbors think if I mowed the lawn with no clothes."

      "That I married you only for your money."

      Tags:
      • Marriage
      00
      Permalink
    • While inspecting their honeymoon suite, the bride discovers a little box attached to the bed.

      "What's this for?" she asks her husband.

      "If you put a quarter in," he says, reaching into his pocket, "the bed starts vibrating."

      "Save your money," she says. "When you're a quarter in, I start vibrating."

      Tags:
      • Holiday
      • Husband
      • Marriage
      00
      Permalink
    • Guy goes every day to the same diner, looks over the menu, and always orders the same thing: ham and eggs.

      Every day, the same thing: ham and eggs.

      Waitress decides to play a trick on him and scratches it from the menu.

      He comes in, she says, "You know that thing you like so much? I scratched it."

      "Well, wash off your hand and get me some ham and eggs."

      Tags:
      • Food
      • Work
      00
      Permalink
    • A man calls his wife into the bedroom. "I want to show you the new watch I got today."

      She goes in and find him with his pants down.

      "That's not a watch!" she says.

      "It will be once you put two hands and a face on it."

      Tags:
      • Time
      • Wife
      • Marriage
      00
      Permalink
    • Zeke: Why were the swimming elephants thrown out of the Olympics?

      Kyle: I haven't a clue.

      Zeke: Because they couldn't keep their trunks up!

      Tags:
      • Sport
      • Elephant
      00
      Permalink
    • Why do brides smile while they walk down the wedding aisle?

      They realize they've given their last blow jobs.

      Tags:
      • Marriage
      00
      Permalink
    • Son: "Daddy; why some of your hairs have turned white?"

      Father: "Every lie told by you makes one of my hairs white."

      Son: "Oh now I understood why all grandfathers' hairs are white."

      Tags:
      • Father
      • Family
      • Children
      00
      Permalink
    • Bob had been listening to his wife practicing her singing.

      "Honey," he said, "I wish you'd sing the songs about Women's Day."

      "That's nice of you, Bob," she said. "Why?"

      "Then I'd only have to hear you once a year!"

      Tags:
      • Time
      • Wife
      • Music
      • Women
      00
      Permalink
    • What's the difference between me and a calendar?

      A calendar has dates.

      Tags:
      • Time
      • Dating
      • Relationship
      00
      Permalink
    • The barbershop was crowded, so the woman at the cash register offered to put my name on the waiting list.

      "What is it?" she asked.

      "Stephen, with a P-H," I said.

      Minutes later, a chair opened up, and my name was called: "Pheven?"

      Tags:
      • Idiot
      • Customer Service
      00
      Permalink
    • Why can't skeletons play music at a church?

      They have no organs.

      Tags:
      • Music
      • Church
      00
      Permalink
    • Once chuck norris and time had race.

      Result: The time is still running.

      Tags:
      • Time
      • Chuck Norris
      00
      Permalink
    • A beautiful woman who had a golden little plane necklace was seated next to a guy on the plane.

      During the flight all the time he was gazing at the necklace.

      When the woman asked him: "Are you interested in my necklace?"

      "No lady; I would rather its runway!" answered the guy.

      Tags:
      • Men
      • Women
      • Travel
      • Airplane
      00
      Permalink
    • Churchill: Madam, would you sleep with me for £1 million?

      Woman: Why Winston, yes I would.

      Churchill: What about £10?

      Woman: What sort of woman do you think I am?

      Churchill: We have already established what sort of woman you are, now we are just negotiating the price.

      Tags:
      • Women
      00
      Permalink
    • When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity.

      To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300°C.

      The Russians used a pencil.

      00
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    • This blonde was walking down a road carrying a bag, when a guy came along.

      The guy asks, "What are you carrying?"

      "Melons," the blonde replies.

      "Cool," the guy says.

      "If I can guess how many there are, can I have one of them?"

      The blonde giggles and says, "If you can guess how many there are, you can have BOTH of them"

      Tags:
      • Blonde
      00
      Permalink
    • Chuck Norris played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.

      Tags:
      • Chuck Norris
      00
      Permalink
    • I was in a job interview today when the manager handed me his laptop and said, "I want you to try and sell this to me."

      So I put it under my arm, walked out of the building and went home.

      Eventually he called my mobile and said, "Bring it back here right now!"

      I said, "£100 and it's yours."

      Tags:
      • Work
      • Money
      • Computer
      • Telephone
      00
      Permalink
    • At a dancing party a shy boy approached a girl and asked, "Will you dance with me, please?"

      The arrogant girl says, "I don't dance with a kid."

      The taken back boy apologized, "I am sorry, I did not realize you were pregnant."

      Tags:
      • Music
      • Women
      • Children
      00
      Permalink
    • "Hey, cabby! How much to take me to the station?"

      "Five bucks, sir."

      "And how much for my suitcase?"

      "No charge for the suitcase, sir."

      "Okay. Take the case and I'll walk."

      Tags:
      • Money
      • Travel
      00
      Permalink
    • Why are you late?

      B: There was a man who lost a hundred dollar bill.

      That's nice. Were you helping him look for it?

      B: No, I was standing on it.

      00
      Permalink
    • Two husbands were discussing their married lives.

      Although happily married, they admitted that there were arguments sometimes.

      Then Chad said, "I've made one great discovery. I now know how to always have the last word."

      "Wow!" said Sherm, "how did you manage that?"

      "It's easy," replied Chad. "My last word is always 'Yes, Dear.' "

      Tags:
      • Wife
      • Husband
      • Marriage
      00
      Permalink
    • A guy walked into his friend's office.

      He found his friend sitting at his desk, looking very depressed.

      "Hey, what's up with you?," he asked.

      "Oh, its my wife," replied the man sadly. "She's hired a new secretary for me."

      "Well, nothing wrong in that," he said, "Is she blonde or brunette?"

      "Neither. He's bald."

      Tags:
      • Men
      00
      Permalink
    • A system administrator has 2 problems:

      - dumb users

      - smart users

      Tags:
      • Technology
      • Computer
      • Programming
      00
      Permalink
    • Diogenes went to look for an honest lawyer.

      "How's it going?", someone asked.

      "Oh, not too bad", said Diogenes. "I still have my lantern."

      Tags:
      • Lawyer
      00
      Permalink
    • Teacher: Kids,what does the chicken give you?

      Kids: Meat!

      Teacher: Very good! Now what does the pig give you?

      Kids: Bacon!

      Teacher: Great! And what does the fat cow give you?

      Kid: Homework!

      Tags:
      • Food
      • Animal
      • Teacher
      • Children
      00
      Permalink
    • A boss tells a blonde applicant, "I'll give you $8 an hour, starting today, and in three months, I'll raise it to $10 an hour.

      So, when would you like to start?"

      "In three months."

      Tags:
      • Blonde
      00
      Permalink
    • When Chuck Norris was in middle school, his English teacher assigned an essay:

      "What is courage?"

      He received an A+ for turning in a blank page with only his name at the top.

      Tags:
      • School
      • Teacher
      • Chuck Norris
      00
      Permalink
    • Boy calls 911.

      Boy: Hello? I need your help!

      911: Alright, What is it?

      Boy: Two girls are fighting over me!

      911: So what's your emergency?

      Boy: The ugly one is winning.

      Tags:
      • Women
      00
      Permalink
    • A man noticed that his credit card had been stolen but didn't report it.

      The thief was spending less then his wife.

      Tags:
      • Wife
      • Money
      00
      Permalink
    • A woman is driving for 1st time on the highway.

      Her husband calls says: "Be careful love, It's just been on the radio, that someone is driving opposite to the traffic on the highway.."

      She replies: "Someone...? These rascals are in hundreds!"

      Tags:
      • Car
      • Love
      • Women
      • Husband
      00
      Permalink
    • Five year old Little Johnny was lost, so he went up to a policeman and said, "I've lost my dad!"

      The policeman said, "What's he like?"

      Little Johnny replied, "Beer and women!"

      Tags:
      • Father
      • Beer
      • Police
      • Little Johnny
      00
      Permalink
    • Wife: "Give me some money. I want to buy a bra."

      Husband: "Why? You have nothing to put in it!"

      Wife: "You wear shorts!"

      Tags:
      • Money
      • Beauty
      • Marriage
      00
      Permalink
    • Mary goes to the post office to buy 50 stamps for her Hanukkah cards.

      "What denomination?" asks the postal clerk.

      Mary thinks a second before replying, "Give me six Orthodox, 12 Conservative, and 32 Reform."

      Tags:
      • Customer Service
      00
      Permalink
    • Little Johnny asks the teacher, "Mrs Roberts, can I be punished for something I haven't done?"

      Mrs Roberts is shocked, "Of course not, Johnny, that would be very unfair!"

      Little Johnny is relieved, "OK Mrs Roberts, sorry, I haven't done my homework."

      Tags:
      • School
      • Teacher
      • Little Johnny
      00
      Permalink
    • Me: "I love you."

      You: "Is that you or the wine talking?"

      Me: "It's me talking to the wine."

      Tags:
      • Love
      • Wine
      00
      Permalink
    • Son: "What are you going to be for Halloween dad?"

      Me: "Drunk"

      Son: "What's mom gonna be?"

      Me: "Mad"

      Tags:
      • Father
      • Drunk
      • Family
      • Halloween
      00
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    • I was sat with my wife while she sipped on her glass of wine, when she said, "I love you so much, you know. I don't know how I could ever live without you."

      I said, "Is that you or the wine talking?"

      She said, "It's me talking to the wine."

      Tags:
      • Love
      • Wife
      • Wine
      00
      Permalink
    • Father to son after exam: "Let me see your report card."

      Son: "My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents."

      Tags:
      • School
      00
      Permalink
    • Little Johnny was being questioned by the teacher during an arithmetic lesson.

      'If you had ten dollars,' said the teacher, 'and I asked you for a loan of eight dollars, how much would you have left?'

      'Ten,' said Little Johnny firmly.

      'Ten?' the teacher said 'How do you make it ten?'

      'Well,' replied Little Johnny 'You may ask for a loan of eight dollars, but that doesn't mean you'll get it!'

      Tags:
      • Little Johnny
      00
      Permalink
    • I quit my gym this morning because one of the instructors started shouting at me,

      "Come on man, you've got to want it! Come on push. You can do it."

      I hate being disturbed when I'm having a dump.

      Tags:
      • gym
      • Fitness
      00
      Permalink
    • I have the perfect son.

      Does he smoke?

      No, he doesn't.

      Does he drink whiskey?

      No, he doesn't.

      Does he ever come home late?

      No, he doesn't.

      I guess you really do have the perfect son. How old is he?

      He will be six months old next Wednesday.

      Tags:
      • Alcohol
      • Children
      00
      Permalink
    • During training exercises, the lieutenant who was driving down a muddy back road encountered another jeep stuck in the mud with a red-faced Colonel at the wheel.

      "Your jeep stuck, sir?" asked the lieutenant as he pulled alongside.

      "Nope," replied the colonel, coming over and handing him the keys, "Yours is."

      Tags:
      • Car
      • Military
      00
      Permalink
    • Look up "rib" in the dictionary and it says "To vex, irritate or annoy."

      Look up "rib" in the Bible and it says "Woman."

      Coincidence?

      Tags:
      • Bible
      • Women
      00
      Permalink
    • Why are politicians like diapers?

      Both should be changed regularly and for the same reason.

      00
      Permalink
    • Three robbers break into a bank, but when they open the safe, they find only boxes.

      One robber opens a box and finds cups full of yogurt.

      "We didn't find any money, but we got something to eat," he tells his partners.

      They eat their fill and leave.

      The next morning's newspaper headline reads, "World's Largest Sperm Bank Robbed."

      Tags:
      • Food
      • Money
      • Disgusting
      00
      Permalink
    • Lawyer was briefing his client, who was about to testify in his own defense.

      "You must swear to tell the complete truth. Do you understand?"

      The client replied that he did.

      The lawyer then asked, "Do you know what will happen if you don't tell the truth?"

      The client looked back and said, "I imagine that our side will win."

      Tags:
      • Lawyer
      00
      Permalink
    • Mom: What did you do at school today?

      Mark: We did a guessing game.

      Mom: But I thought you were having a math exam.

      Mark: That's right!

      Tags:
      • School
      00
      Permalink
    • What did the valentines day card say to the stamp?

      Stick with me and you'll go places.

      Tags:
      • Travel
      • Valentines day
      00
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    • A man in a hurry taking his eight-year-old son to school made a turn at a red light where it was prohibited.

      "Uh-oh, I think I just made an illegal turn!" the man said.

      "It's okay, Dad," the boy said, "The police car right behind us did the same thing."

      Tags:
      • Police
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    • Two boys were arguing when the teacher entered the room.

      The teacher says, "Why are you arguing?"

      One boy answers, "We found a ten dollar bill and decided to give it to whoever tells the biggest lie."

      "You should be ashamed of yourselves," said the teacher, "When I was your age I didn't even know what a lie was."

      The boys gave the ten dollars to the teacher.

      Tags:
      • Money
      • School
      • Teacher
      00
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    • A man has a racehorse, never won a race.

      Man in disgust says, "Horse, you win today or you pull a milk wagon tomorrow morning."

      The starting gate opens, the horses take-off, they move the gate away and there lays his horse asleep on the track.

      He kicks the horse and asks, "Why are you sleeping?"

      The horse, half asleep says, "I have to get up at three in the morning."

      Tags:
      • Time
      • Game
      • Animal
      00
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    • A frightened investor goes to his financial planner and asks if he's at all worried about the volatility of the markets these days.

      The planner replies that he sure does! In fact, he says that he sleeps like a baby.

      The frightened investor was amazed!

      "Really? Even with all the fluctuations?"

      "Yup! I sleep for a couple of hours, and then I wake up and I cry for a couple of hours."

      Tags:
      • Baby
      • Time
      • Money
      00
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    • Law of employment:

      When leaving work late, you will mostly go unnoticed.

      When you leave early, you will meet your boss at the parking lot.

      Tags:
      • Car
      • Work
      00
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    • At a all-you-can-eat restaurant Josh came back to the table, his plate full for the fifth time.

      "Josh!" exclaimed his mother.

      "Doesn't it embarrass you that people have seen you go up to the buffet table five times?"

      "Not a bit," said Josh, "I just tell them I'm filling up the plate for you!"

      00
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    • Michael Jordan to Chuck Norris:

      I can spin a ball on my finger for over two hours.

      Can you?

      Chuck Norris: (laughs) How do you think the Earth spins?

      Tags:
      • Sport
      • Chuck Norris
      00
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    • Teacher: If a lion is chasing you, what would you do?

      Christy: I'd climb a tree.

      Teacher: if the lion climbs a tree?

      Christy: I will jump in the lake and swim.

      Teacher: if the lion also jumps in the water and swims after you?

      Christy: Teacher, are you on my side or on the lion's?

      Tags:
      • Animal
      • School
      • Teacher
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    • Teacher: Can anyone give me a sentence with a direct object?

      Student: You are pretty.

      Teacher: What's the direct object?

      Student: A good report card.

      Tags:
      • School
      00
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    • One day a college professor after getting irritated in his college class stands up in front of the class and asks if anyone in the class is an idiot, and if there is one then he/she should stand up.

      After a minute a young man stands up.

      The professor then asks that guy if he actually thinks he is an idiot.

      The boy replied, "No, I just didn't want to see you standing there all by yourself."

      Tags:
      • School
      • College
      • Teacher
      00
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    • What did the scientist say when he found 2 isotopes of helium?

      HeHe

      Tags:
      • Nerd
      • Science
      • Chemistry
      00
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    • During a lesson little Johnny yawns extremely wide.

      Teacher tries to make a joke: "Johnny, don't swallow me."

      He replies: "Don't worry, teacher, I don't eat pork."

      Tags:
      • Food
      • Teacher
      • Insulting
      • Little Johnny
      00
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    • Man: "How old is your father?"

      Boy: "As old as me."

      Man: "How can that be?"

      Boy: "He became a father only when I was born."

      Tags:
      • Father
      • Children
      00
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    • Things our family enjoys together without anyone complaining:

      1.

      Tags:
      • Family
      00
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    • Teen Girl to Friend: "For the prom, I'm renting a limo, spending $500 on a new dress and bringing in the best makeup artist in the state to do my hair."

      Teacher who has overheard the conversation: "Wow, that's more than I spent for my wedding!"

      Teen Girl: "Yeah, well you can get married three or four times, but a prom is a once in a lifetime experience."

      Tags:
      • Teen
      • Money
      • Party
      • Beauty
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    • The newlywed wife said to her husband when he returned from work,

      "I have great news for you.

      Pretty soon, we're going to be three in this house instead of two."

      Her husband ran to her with a smile on his face and delight in his eyes.

      He was glowing of happiness and kissing his wife when she said, "I'm glad that you feel this way since tomorrow morning, my mother moves in with us."

      Tags:
      • Wife
      • Work
      • Husband
      • Marriage
      • mother in law
      00
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    • A policeman caught a mischievous little boy with a penknife in one hand and a squirrel in the other.

      "Now listen here," the policeman said, "Whatever you do to that poor, innocent creature I shall personally do to you."

      "In that case," said the boy, "I'll give it lots of chocolates as well as all my money and let it go."

      Tags:
      • Food
      • Money
      • Animal
      • Police
      • Children
      00
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    • A small piece of sodium that lived in a test tube fell in love with a Bunsen burner.

      "Oh Bunsen, my flame," the sodium pined. "I melt whenever I see you,"

      The Bunsen burner replied, "It's just a phase you're going through."

      Tags:
      • Love
      • Nerd
      • Chemistry
      00
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    • Boss: "This is the third time you've been late for work this week. Do you know what that means?"

      Me: "That it's only Wednesday."

      Tags:
      • Work
      00
      Permalink
    • Why is Facebook like Jail?

      "You have a profile picture, you sit around all day writing on walls, and you get poked by guys you don't really know!"

      Tags:
      • Facebook
      00
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    • To the optimist, the glass is half-full.

      To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty.

      To the IT professional, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

      Tags:
      • Technology
      • Programming
      00
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    • Why did the hipster float down the tributary?

      Because the river was too mainstream.

      Tags:
      • Hipster
      00
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    • Funny facts about Google users:

      50% of people use Google well as a search engine.

      The rest 50% of them use it to check if their internet is connected

      Tags:
      • Technology
      • Computer
      • Technology
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    • Office executive "Sir, can I have a day off next week to visit my mother in Law?"

      Boss "Certainly not!"

      Office executive "Thank you so much sir! I knew you would be understanding."

      Tags:
      • Office
      • Manager
      • mother in law
      00
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    • I've 3 aunts and 4 uncles in any ceremony of wedding they mention me : "oh , Bill you are enough grown up , the next time will be your turn."

      I also in payoff on funeral days tell them: "Woo you are enough old I hope next time would be your turn!"

      Tags:
      • Time
      • Family
      • Funeral
      • Wedding
      00
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    • This guy went to school and he asked

      "May I use the bathroom?"

      The teacher replied, " no not unless you say your abc's."

      The guy said "a b c d e f g h I j k l m n o q r s t u v w x y z."

      The teacher asked "Where's the p?"

      He replied, " running down my leg!"

      Tags:
      • School
      • Teacher
      00
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    • My teacher said, "If you think about anything long enough, it gets easier."

      I said, "I don't know about that Miss.

      Last night I was thinking about you for a bit and it just got harder."

      Tags:
      • Little Johnny
      00
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    • "I'll never find the right guy," I heard the young guest at the wedding shower sigh.

      "Don't give up," urged an older woman. "Every pot has a lid."

      "Or," a cynical voice behind her offered, "you could just be a skillet."

      Tags:
      • Love
      • Wedding
      00
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    • Innkeeper: "The room is $15. a night. It's $5. if you make your own bed."

      Guest: "I'll make my own bed."

      Innkeeper: "Good. I'll get you some nails and wood."

      Tags:
      • Work
      • Money
      • Travel
      • Customer Service
      00
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    • Coworker: Can you help me with this project?

      Me: The short answer is no.

      Coworker: What's the long answer?

      Me: Nooooooo.

      Tags:
      • Work
      00
      Permalink
    • Two men were boasting to each other about their old army days.

      "Why, my outfit was so well drilled," declared one, "that when they presented arms all you could hear was slap, slap, click."

      "Very good," conceded the other, "but when my company presented arms you'd just hear slap, slap, jingle."

      "What was the jingle?" asked the first.

      "Oh," replied the other offhand, "just our medals."

      Tags:
      • Military
      00
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    • Teacher:Maria please point to America on the map.

      Maria:This is it.

      Teacher:Well done. Now class, who found America?

      Class:Maria did.

      Tags:
      • School
      • Teacher
      • Geography
      00
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    • Boy: "I love you so much, I could never live without you."

      Girl: "Is that you or the beer talking?"

      Boy: "It's me talking to the beer."

      Tags:
      • Alcohol
      00
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    • A man is driving with his wife at his side and his mother in Law in the backseat.

      The women just won't leave him alone.

      His mother in Law says, "You're driving too fast!"

      His wife says, "Stay more to the left."

      After ten mixed orders, the man turns to his wife and asks, "Who's driving this car – you or your mother?"

      Tags:
      • Car
      • Wife
      • Marriage
      • mother in law
      00
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    • My memory has gotten so bad it has actually caused me to lose my job.

      I'm still employed.

      I just can't remember where.

      Tags:
      • Work
      • Memory
      • Geography
      00
      Permalink
    • When I was young, my slippers were red,

      I could pick up my heels right over my head.

      When I grew older, my slippers were blue,

      but still I could dance the whole night through.

      Tags:
      • Music
      • Old People
      00
      Permalink
    • A policeman had a perfect spot to watch for speeders, but was not getting many.

      Then, he discovered the problem; a 10 year old boy was standing up the road with a hand painted sign which read, "SPEED TRAP AHEAD".

      The officer then found a young accomplice down the road with a sign painted "TIPS" and a bucket of change.

      Tags:
      • Police
      00
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    • Mohan (to the doctor): "Doctor, can you diagnose my Illness?"

      Doctor: "Your eyesight seems to be poor."

      Mohan: "How did you come to that conclusion?"

      Doctor: "You seemed to have missed noticing the sign, hung outside. This is a veterinary hospital."

      Tags:
      • Animal
      • Doctor
      • Health
      • Hospital
      00
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    • A director's wife hears that her husband has a new secretary.

      The director comes home and the wife starts putting questions:

      Does this new secretary of yours have nice legs?

      I don't know.

      What color do her eyes have?

      I didn't notice...

      But about dressing, how does she dress?

      Very fast...

      00
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    • Little Johnny asked his father, "Dad, can you write in the dark?"

      His father said, "I think so. What do you want me to write?"

      Little Johnny replied, "Oh, just sign this report card for me..."

      Tags:
      • Father
      • Little Johnny
      00
      Permalink
    • Did you hear about the new movie "Constipation?"

      It hasn't come out yet.

      Tags:
      • Constipation
      00
      Permalink
    • A professor was walking along a very narrow street when he came face to face with a rival professor.

      The street was too narrow for two to pass.

      The rival, pulling himself up to his full height, said haughtily: "I never make way for fools!"

      Smiling, the professor stepped aside and said: "I always do."

      00
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    • During the soccer match little Johnny sits in the front row. His friend asks:

      How did you get tickets?

      From my brother - respond Petya.

      And where is your brother?

      At home.

      Looking for his ticket.

      Tags:
      • Soccer
      • Little Johnny
      00
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    • Why do beavers spend a fortune on the Internet?

      They never want to log off.

      Tags:
      • Money
      • Animal
      • Internet
      00
      Permalink
    • A colleague was planning a trip to my business office and asked if I could find him a hotel with exercise facilities.

      I called several hotels, with no luck.

      Finally, I thought I had found one.

      I asked the receptionist if the hotel had a weight room.

      "No," she replied, "but we have a lobby and you can wait there."

      Tags:
      • Work
      • Fitness
      • Customer Service
      00
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    • Little Johnny's teacher said,

      "Johnny, your essay on My Dog is exactly the same as your sister's."

      Did you copy hers?, she asked.

      Johnny replied, "No, teacher, it's the same dog!"

      Tags:
      • Dog
      • Animal
      • Teacher
      • Little Johnny
      00
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    • A passenger piled his luggage on the scale at an airline counter in New York and said to the ticket agent:

      "I'm flying to Los Angeles. I want the large bag sent to Denver and the two small ones to Cincinnati."

      "I'm sorry sir, but we can't do that," said the ticket agent.

      "That's good to hear because that's where they ended up the last time I flew this route."

      Tags:
      • Travel
      • Airplane
      • Geography
      • Customer Service
      00
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    • I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc, I called the Suicide Lifeline.

      I got a call center in Pakistan , and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck.

      Tags:
      • War
      • Work
      00
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    • A blonde get's in her car and notices her steering wheel, dashboard, and windshield is missing.

      She calls the police and reports a theft.

      When the police officer comes, he looks at the blonde who is crying and and says, "Ma'am...you're sitting in the backseat..."

      Tags:
      • Car
      • Blonde
      • Police
      00
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    • A kid was crying standing outside his house.

      A passer by asked: "Why are you crying?"

      Kid: "My parents are fighting inside the house."

      Passer by: "Who is your father?"

      Kid: "That is what the fight is about."

      Tags:
      • Family
      • Children
      00
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    • A young boy gave his mum a big wrapped up birthday present on a Saturday.

      She opened it up and it was a tea pot.

      She said "What a wonderful tea port darling - thank you."

      The boy said "That's good."

      Mum said "However I already have a tea pot."

      The boy replied "No you haven't - I broke it."

      Tags:
      • Birthday
      • Children
      00
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    • I took my 7 year old son to the zoo today.

      We were walking around and soon he said, "Look Dad! It's a frickin' Elephant!"

      I was shocked and slightly angry, as everybody was looking at us.

      "What did you just call it?" I asked.

      "It's a frickin' Elephant, it says so on the picture!" he said, and so it did, A F R I C A N Elephant.

      Tags:
      • Father
      • Animal
      • Elephant
      00
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    • A drunk goes to court.

      The judge says, 'You've been brought here for drinking.'

      The drunk says, 'Great.

      Let's get started.'

      Tags:
      • Alcohol
      00
      Permalink
    • The Teacher had asked the class to write an essay about an unusual event that happened during the past week.

      Little Johnny got up to read his.

      It began, "My daddy fell in a well last week."

      "Good Lord!" the teacher exclaimed. "Is he OK?"

      "He must be," said Little Johnny. "He stopped calling for help yesterday."

      Tags:
      • Father
      • Teacher
      • Little Johnny
      00
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    • The teacher is droning away in the classroom when he notices a student sleeping way up in the back row.

      The teacher shouts to the sleeping student's neighbor, "Hey wake that student up!"

      The neighbor yells back, "You put him to sleep, you wake him up!"

      Tags:
      • School
      00
      Permalink
    • Little Johnny comes downstairs crying.

      His mother asked, "What's the matter now?"

      "Dad was hanging pictures, and just hit his thumb with hammer," said little Johnny through his tears.

      "That's not so serious," soothed his mother.

      "I know you are upset, but a big boy like you shouldn't cry at something like that. Why didn't you just laugh?"

      "I did!" sobbed Johnny.

      Tags:
      • Father
      • Little Johnny
      00
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    • A girl walks into a grocery store and asks the stock boy if he has any nuts.

      The guy says, "No, ma'am."

      She says, "Well, do you have any dates?"

      And he says, "Ma'am, if I don't have nuts, do you really expect me to have dates?"

      Tags:
      • Dating
      00
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    • First woman in space:

      "Houston, we have a problem."

      What?

      "Never mind."

      What's the problem?

      "Nothing."

      Please tell us.

      "I'm fine."

      Tags:
      • Women
      • Travel
      • Science
      00
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    • A drunk guy took a cat home to his wife and said: "See... here is the a monkey of the jungle."

      His wife said laughing, "That's a CAT ..."

      He said back to his wife, "I am talking to the cat!"

      Tags:
      • Cat
      • Men
      • Wife
      • Drunk
      • Animal
      00
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    • Two old friends met by chance on the street.

      After chatting for some time, one said to the other, "I'm terribly sorry, but I've forgotten your name. You'll need to tell me."

      The other stared at him thoughtfully for a long time, then replied, "How soon do you need to know?"

      Tags:
      • Time
      • Memory
      • Friend
      • Old People
      00
      Permalink
    • Why do hipsters love using the subway?

      Because its underground.

      Tags:
      • Travel
      • Hipster
      00
      Permalink
    • What did the pencil say to the sharpener?

      Stop going in circles and get to the point.

      00
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    • A redneck calls up the White House and tells the receptionist: "I'd like to become the next President of the United States."

      The receptionist: "What are you, an idiot?"

      Redneck: "Why, is it required?"

      Tags:
      • Redneck
      • Politics
      • Geography
      • Idiot
      • Telephone
      00
      Permalink
    • Chuck Norris does not get parking tickets;

      he gets "thank you for parking anywhere" notes.

      Tags:
      • Chuck Norris
      00
      Permalink
    • Patient to friend: "I saw the doctor to day about my loss of memory."

      Friend: "What did he do?"

      Patient: "He made me pay him in advance."

      Tags:
      • Money
      • Doctor
      • Health
      • Memory
      • Friend
      00
      Permalink
    • Teacher: What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?

      Student: A teacher!

      Tags:
      • School
      • Teacher
      00
      Permalink
    • Patient to doctor: "On the top of your prescription these words are printed: We treat; God Cures. If so, would I give the fee to you or shall I send it to God?"

      Doctor: "Pay me. I will send it."

      Tags:
      • God
      • Doctor
      00
      Permalink
    • Two cows were talking in the field.

      One cow says, "Have you heard about the Mad Cow disease that's going around?"

      The other cow answers, "Yeah, makes you glad you're a penguin, doesn't it?"

      Tags:
      • Animal
      • Health
      00
      Permalink
    • English Class Teacher: "One day we will be corruption free. Which tense is it?"

      Student: "Future impossible tense."

      Tags:
      • Money
      • School
      • Student
      • Teacher
      00
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    • An English teacher wrote these words on the whiteboard: "Woman without her man is nothing."

      The teacher then asked the students to punctuate the words correctly.

      The men wrote: "Woman, without her man, is nothing."

      The women wrote: "Woman! Without her, man is nothing."

      Tags:
      • Women
      • Teacher
      00
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    • Johnny comes back home from school and tells his father, "Dad, tomorrow you are invited to a special parent meetings at school."

      "How much special?"

      "Well, just me, you, the director and two investigators from the FBI."

      Tags:
      • Father
      • Police
      • School
      • Little Johnny
      00
      Permalink
    • Women are like telephones.

      They love to be held.

      They love to be talked to.

      But, if you press the wrong button, you're disconnected.

      Tags:
      • Love
      • Women
      • Telephone
      00
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    • What is the sound of Chuck Norris clapping one hand?

      Thunder.

      Tags:
      • Music
      • Weather
      • Chuck Norris
      00
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    • Little Mary came back home after school and said,

      "Mommy, today during the school break Johnny kissed me on my lips!"

      The mother asked indignantly but in surprise,

      "And how did this happen?"

      "It was not easy, but three of my classmates helped me to hold him firm."

      Tags:
      • School
      • Little Johnny
      00
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    • "You seem to be in some distress," said the kindly judge to the witness.

      "Is anything the matter?"

      "Well, your Honour," said the witness,

      "I swore to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, but every time I try, some lawyer objects."

      Tags:
      • Court
      • Lying
      • Lawyer
      00
      Permalink
    • An old lady was speeding down the highway while she was knitting.

      A cop sees this and speeds up alongside her vehicle.

      "Pullover!" the cop says

      "No!" the woman replied, "They're mittens!"

      Tags:
      • Police
      00
      Permalink
    • 'The United States has developed a new weapon that destroys people but it leaves buildings standing.

      It's called the stock market.'

      Jay Leno

      Tags:
      • Money
      00
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    • 1. Money cannot buy happiness, but it's more comfortable to cry in a Mercedes than on a bicycle.

      2. Forgive your enemies but remember their name.

      3. Help someone when they are in trouble and they will remember you when they're in trouble again.

      4. Many people are alive only because it's illegal to shoot them.

      5. Alcohol does not solve any problems, but then neither does milk!

      Tags:
      • Alcohol
      00
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    • A farmer gets a phone call from his son.

      "I've run over a pig and its stuck under the tractor still alive."

      "Shoot it," says the farmer, "and then bury it."

      About 20mins later he gets another call...

      "Done that, what should I do with his speed camera and motorbike?"

      Tags:
      • Disgusting
      00
      Permalink
    • Teacher: Tell me a sentence that starts with an "I".

      Student: I is the....

      Teacher: Stop! Never put 'is' after an "I". Always put 'am' after an "I".

      Student: OK. I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.

      Tags:
      • School
      • Teacher
      00
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    • The irate customer calling the newspaper offices, loudly demanded to know where her Sunday edition was.

      "Ma'am", said the employee, "today is Saturday. The Sunday paper is not delivered 'til Sunday."

      There was quite a pause on the other end of the phone, followed by a ray of recognition. "So that's why no one was in church today."

      Tags:
      • Church
      • Telephone
      • Old People
      • Customer Service
      00
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    • A fat lady (To a health expert): "Give me some advice that can reduce my fatness."

      Health expert: "Okay. You must move your head to the right and the left at a particular time."

      Fat lady: "At which particular time?"

      Health expert: "Whenever anybody asks you to eat."

      Tags:
      • Fat
      • Doctor
      • Health
      00
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    • Teacher: Students draw a picture of bacteria.

      Student: Here it is Mam!

      Teacher: Where? It Is Blank.

      Student: you told that bacteria cannot be seen with naked eye!

      Tags:
      • School
      • Student
      • Teacher
      00
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    • Chuck Norris was once tested for steroids.

      The results came back positive.

      When confronted with this information, Chuck Norris chuckled and said, "Of course, what do you think they make steroids from?"

      Tags:
      • Health
      • Chuck Norris
      00
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    • The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class.

      She called on him and said, "Johnny!

      What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?"

      Little Johnny quickly replied, "NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!"

      Tags:
      • Math
      • Technology
      • Little Johnny
      00
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    • A mom calls out to her son "Harry! Wake up! You'll be late for school."

      The son replies, "Mom I don't want to go to school!

      The teachers and students hate me!

      Give me one reason I should go!"

      The mom says back, "You should go because you're the principal!"

      Tags:
      • School
      • Student
      • Teacher
      00
      Permalink
    • How did the butcher introduce his wife?

      Meet Patty.

      00
      Permalink
    • What would it be a good idea for you to do after a man takes your wife?

      Let him keep her!

      Tags:
      • Men
      • Wife
      00
      Permalink
    • One day 2 blondes walked into a tanning salon.

      One blonde said, " A tan for 2 please!"

      The cashier said, " Ok," filled out a form for them and asked, "are you two sisters?"

      They chuckled and replied, " No, we aren't even Catholic."

      Tags:
      • Blonde
      00
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    • Little Johnny was crying one day, and his dad asked him why.

      'I've lost five cents,' sobbed Johnny.

      'Don't worry,' said his dad kindly.'

      Here's five more for you,' At this Johnny howled louder than ever.

      'Now what is it ?' asked his dad.

      'I wish I'd said I'd lost ten cents!'

      Tags:
      • Father
      • Money
      • Little Johnny
      00
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    • One day a young teen was in a church for the first time and he got a seat net to a not-so-good-looking woman.

      The pastor was preaching and he said: "Tell your neighbour how beautiful they are" and the boy stood up and said pastor "How can you expect me to lie in a church?"

      Tags:
      • Teen
      • Women
      • Beauty
      • Church
      00
      Permalink
    • A city child came running into the farmhouse.

      "No wonder that mama pig is so big," she yelled.

      "There's a bunch of little pigs out there blowing her up!"

      Tags:
      • Animal
      00
      Permalink
    • A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office. "Is it true," she wanted to know, "that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?"

      "Yes, I'm afraid so," the doctor told her.

      There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied, "I'm wondering, then, just how serious is my condition because this prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS'."

      Tags:
      • Doctor
      • Telephone
      • Old People
      00
      Permalink
    • I use the internet to tell me what the weather's like.

      How do you do that?

      I carry my laptop outside and if it gets wet, I know it's raining!

      Tags:
      • Weather
      • Internet
      • Idiot
      • Technology
      00
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    • A woman called our airline customer-service desk asking if she could take her dog on board.

      "Sure," I said, "as long as you provide your own kennel."

      I further explained that the kennel needed to be large enough for the dog to stand up, sit down, turn around, and roll over.

      The customer was flummoxed: "I'll never be able to teach him all of that by tomorrow!"

      Tags:
      • Dog
      • Airplane
      • Idiot
      • Customer Service
      00
      Permalink
    • A dog is truly a man's best friend.

      If you don't believe it, just try this experiment.

      Lock your dog and your wife in the boot of the car for an hour.

      When you open the boot, which one is really happy to see you?

      Tags:
      • Car
      • Wife
      • Animal
      00
      Permalink
    • A farmer and a son live on a farm.

      The farmer is sitting in the kitchen when his son comes in from the barn with a large glass of white liquid.

      He is so excited because he's just milked a cow.

      Then he takes a big drink from the glass.

      His father just stares at him.

      "Son, we don't have a cow. We have a bull."

      Tags:
      • Animal
      • Disgusting
      00
      Permalink
    • One day a boy came home running while crying.

      His mother asked what happened why are you crying?

      The boy said 'I got punished for something I did not do'.

      His mother said 'That's horrible.

      what did you not do'.

      The boy in tears said 'my homework.'

      Tags:
      • School
      • Children
      00
      Permalink
    • Two fathers chat outside school in the morning;

      "Bill, have you solved your son's math problems?"

      "Yes, man, I did. Why?"

      "Can you quickly give them to me, so I can copy them...?"

      Tags:
      • School
      00
      Permalink
    • Maths teacher: "If you have 12 chocolates and you give

      5 to Priya,

      3 to Sonia and

      2 to Penny then what will you get?"

      "3 new Girlfriends!"

      Tags:
      • Food
      • School
      • Teacher
      • Relationship
      00
      Permalink
    • A Man from the toilet shouts to his wife :

      Darling, darling, do you hear me?!!!!

      What happened, did you run out of toilet paper?

      No, restart the router, please!

      Tags:
      • Technology
      • Wife
      00
      Permalink
    • FOUR stages of girl and boy relation!

      1. hand in hand.

      2. that in hand.

      3. hand in that.

      4. that in that.

      00
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    • Teacher: If you eat fish?

      Student: It's good for my eyes.

      Teacher: If you don't eat fish?

      Student: It's good for the fish!

      Tags:
      • School
      00
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    • A man needing some legal help walks into a law firm.

      He asks an attorney:

      "If I give you $300 to help answer two legal problems I have, will you help me?"

      The attorney replies: "Sure, what's the other question?"

      Tags:
      • Money
      • Lawyer
      00
      Permalink
    • 3 things which change women:

      1) I love U

      2) I liquidated to your account

      3) U have lost weight

      The last one had been some fatalities!

      Tags:
      • Fat
      • Love
      • Money
      • Women
      00
      Permalink
    • A man and a blonde are at an ATM.

      The man says "I know your pincode, it's ****" and the blonde says "No it's not! It's 4829!"

      Tags:
      • Blonde
      00
      Permalink
    • Son: Dad, what is an idiot?

      Dad: An idiot is a person who tries to explain his ideas in such a strange and long way that another person who is listening to him can't understand him. Do you understand me?

      Son: No.

      Tags:
      • Father
      • Children
      00
      Permalink
    • You're living, you occupy space, and you have mass.

      You know what that means?

      You Matter.

      00
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    • On the way home from a hunt, a hunter stops by the grocery store.

      "Give me a couple of steaks," he says.

      "We're out of steaks but we have hot dogs and chicken," says the butcher.

      "Hotdogs and chicken?!" yells the hunter. "How can I tell my wife I bagged a couple of hotdogs and chickens?"

      Tags:
      • Food
      • Hunting
      • Marriage
      00
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    • Get to know your mate.

      If there's something you need to know about him, just ask him right up front.

      And choose the right moment because the fellas don't like opening up.

      Like, after intimacy, turn around, look him in his eye and say, "I've been wanting to know, what's your name?"

      00
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    • Nate: Why was school easier for cave people?

      Kate: Why?

      Nate: Because there was no history to study!

      Tags:
      • School
      • history
      00
      Permalink
    • Patient: "Doctor, do you think that I shall live until I am ninety?"

      Doctor: "How old are you now?"

      Patient: "40"

      Doctor: "Do you drink, gamble, smoke or do you have any other vice?"

      Patient: "No. I don't drink. I don't gamble. I don't smoke. I have no vice."

      Doctor: "Then why do you want to live for another fifty years?"

      Tags:
      • Game
      • Doctor
      • Alcohol
      00
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    • A biologist, a chemist and a statistician are out hunting.

      The biologist shoots at a deer and misses 5th to the left.

      The chemist takes a shot and misses 5th to the right.

      The statistician yells "We got 'em!"

      Tags:
      • Math
      • Nerd
      • Hunting
      • Chemistry
      00
      Permalink
    • Why was the blonde late for work?

      She was stranded on the broken escalator.

      Tags:
      • Work
      • Blonde
      00
      Permalink
    • Can I help you?

      No.

      I just waited in the line for 30 minutes to say Hi.

      00
      Permalink
    • A guy was meeting a friend in a bar, and as he walked in he noticed two pretty girls looking at him.

      He heard one girl say to the other, "Nine."

      Feeling pleased with himself, he swaggered over to his buddy at the bar and told him that the girl in the corner had just rated him a nine out of ten.

      "Sorry to spoil your evening," said his friend, "but when I walked in they were speaking German"

      Tags:
      • Bar
      • Alcohol
      00
      Permalink
    • A blonde had some goldfish and she did not know how to feed them.

      So she called her brunette friend, and she showed her how.

      Once they were done feeding them, the blonde said, "Now, what do I give them to drink?"

      Tags:
      • Blonde
      11
      Permalink
    • Two old ladies are at the movies.

      "Psst," says one old lady. "I think the guy next to me is beating off."

      "What makes you say that?"

      "He's using my hand."

      Tags:
      • Disgusting
      • Old People
      00
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    • Students in the class

      (-_-) (-_-) (-_-) (-_-) (-_-) (-_-) (-_-) (-_-)

      When teacher say tomorrow will be exam

      (O_O) (O_O) (O_O) (O_O) (O_O)(O_O)

      During the exam

      (→_→) (←_←) (→_→) (←_←) (→_→)(←_←)

      When monitor comes in

      (↓_↓) (↓_↓) (↓_↓) (↓_↓) (↓_↓)

      In the end of the exam

      (͡๏̯͡๏) (͡๏̯͡๏) (͡๏̯͡๏) (͡๏̯͡๏) (͡๏̯͡๏) (͡๏̯͡๏)

      Tags:
      • School
      00
      Permalink
    • Heading off to college at the age of 40, I was a bit self-conscious about my advancing years.

      One morning I complained to my husband that I was the oldest student in my class.

      "Even the teacher is younger than I am," I said.

      "Yeah," he said optimistically, "but look at it from my point of view. I thought my days of fooling around with college girls were over!"

      00
      Permalink
    • Two lawyers walking through the woods spotted a vicious looking bear.

      The first lawyer immediately opened his briefcase, pulled out a pair of sneakers and started putting them on.

      The second lawyer looked at him and said, "You're crazy! You'll never be able to outrun that bear!"

      "I don't have to," the first lawyer replied. "I only have to outrun you."

      Tags:
      • Animal
      • Lawyer
      00
      Permalink
    • A motorist gets caught in an automated speed trap that photographs his car.

      He later receives a ticket in the mail for $40 with a photo of his car.

      Instead of payment, he sends the police department a photograph of $40.

      A few days later, he gets a letter from the police department with a picture of handcuffs.

      Tags:
      • Car
      • Money
      • Police
      00
      Permalink
    • Boy: "I've just had the most awful time.

      First I got angina pectoris, then arteriosclerosis.

      Just as I was recovering, I got psoriasis.

      They gave me hypodermics, and to top it all, tonsillitis was followed by appendectomy."

      Friend: "Wow! How did you pull through?"

      Boy: "I don't know.

      Toughest spelling test I ever had!"

      Tags:
      • School
      00
      Permalink
    • A man asks a farmer near a field, "Sorry sir, would you mind if I crossed your field instead of going around it? You see, I have to catch the 4:23 train."

      The farmer says, "Sure, go right ahead. And if my bull sees you, you'll even catch the 4:11 one."

      Tags:
      • Time
      • Animal
      • Travel
      00
      Permalink
    • Mum: "How would you describe me?"

      Dad: "ABCDEFGHIJK"

      Mum: "What does that mean?"

      Dad: "Adorable, beautiful, cute, delightful, elegant, funny, graceful, helpful, intelligent."

      Mum: "What about JK?"

      Dad: "Just Kidding."

      Tags:
      • Men
      • Women
      00
      Permalink
    • A 10-point buck walked into a lodge restaurant and ordered a burger and fries.

      After the deer finished and was paying, the cashier said, "We don't see too many deer around here."

      "At these prices," replied the buck, "I'm not surprised."

      Tags:
      • Food
      • Money
      • Hunting
      00
      Permalink
    • "Honey, on this Valentine's Day, I want to tell you something... I'm not rich like Jack, I don't have a mansion like Russell, or I don't have a Porsche like Martin, but I do love you and want to marry you."

      "Oh, dear... I love you too... but, what was that you said about Martin?"

      Tags:
      • Love
      • Money
      • Marriage
      • Valentines day
      00
      Permalink
    • During a break on a North Dakota office building project, one of the construction workers approached Pyle.

      "Ah heard the boys is gonna strike," he said.

      "What fer?" asked Pyle.

      "Shorter hours."

      "Good fer them!" said the redneck.

      "Ah always did think sixty minutes was too long fer an hour!"

      Tags:
      • Work
      • Office
      • Redneck
      • Geography
      • Idiot
      00
      Permalink
    • A blonde was at home watching TV with her friends when she heard a noise. She ran out just in time to see a thief drive off in her car.

      "Did you see their face?" her friends asked when she came back inside.

      "No, but it's okay, I got the license plate number!"

      Tags:
      • Blonde
      00
      Permalink
    • What do you call a Democratic buffet?

      A free for all.

      Tags:
      • Food
      • Money
      • Democrat
      • Politics
      00
      Permalink
    • I spotted several pairs of men's Levi's at a garage sale.

      They were sizes 30, 31, and 32, but I was looking for size 33.

      So I asked the owner if he had a pair.

      He shook his head.

      "I'm still wearing the 33s," he said. "Come back next year."

      Tags:
      • Fat
      • Time
      • Customer Service
      00
      Permalink
    • A snail and a slug got in a crash.

      When the police, ambulances and news reporters arrived, a reporter asked a tortoise what happened.

      He replied: "I don't know, it all happened so fast!"

      Tags:
      • Animal
      00
      Permalink
    • What is the chemical formula for "banana"?

      BaNa2

      Tags:
      • Food
      • Nerd
      • Chemistry
      00
      Permalink
    • A guy rang up to air port and said: "Do you mind me please to ask how long is from New York to San Francisco?"

      The lady replied "A moment..."

      Then the guy said "Thank you" and ceased conversation.

      Tags:
      • Men
      • Time
      • Travel
      • Idiot
      00
      Permalink
    • A blonde was swerving all over the road and driving very badly, so she got pulled over by a cop.

      The cop walked up to her window and asked, "Miss, why are you driving so recklessly?"

      The blonde said, "I'm sorry sir, but wherever I go, there's always a tree in front of me and I can't seem to get away from it!"

      The cop looked at her and said, "Lady, that's your air freshener!"

      Tags:
      • Blonde
      00
      Permalink
    • What happens if you eat yeast and shoe polish?

      Every morning you'll rise and shine!

      Tags:
      • Children
      00
      Permalink
    • The child comes home from his first day at school.

      Mother: "What did you learn today?"

      Kid: "Not enough. I have to go back tomorrow."

      Tags:
      • School
      00
      Permalink
    • There was an inebriated driver who was pulled up by the police. When the cop opened the door, the driver fell out.

      "YOU'RE DRUNK!" exclaimed the police officer.

      "Thank God for that!" said the drunk, "I thought the steering had gone."

      Tags:
      • God
      • Drunk
      • Police
      00
      Permalink
    • "Mommy! Do Angels fly?"

      "Yes, they do my love!"

      "Then, when will our nanny fly? Dad calls her 'My Angel' all the time!"

      "Tomorrow, my child, she'll fly as far as she goes..."

      Tags:
      • Father
      • Love
      • Children
      00
      Permalink
    • Teacher: "Now class, whatever I ask, I want you to all answer at once.

      How much is six plus four?"

      Class: "At once!"

      Tags:
      • Math
      • School
      • Teacher
      00
      Permalink
    • "It's clear" said the teacher, "That you haven't studied your geography.

      What's your excuse?"

      "Well, my dad says the world is changing every day.

      So I decided to wait until it settles down!"

      Tags:
      • Father
      • School
      • Teacher
      • Geography
      00
      Permalink
    • Little Johnny's 2nd grade teacher was quizzing them on the alphabet.

      "Johnny," she says, "what comes after 'O'?"

      Johnny says, "Yeah!"

      Tags:
      • Children
      • Little Johnny
      00
      Permalink
    • A boastful hunter kept telling his buddies the same story, and they chided him for telling it over and over.

      He reminded them that they often tell the same stories.

      "Not so," said one friend. "We re-share, you repeat."

      Tags:
      • Hunting
      • Friend
      00
      Permalink
    • A driver tucked a note under her windshield wiper and dashed off:

      "I've circled the block for 20 minutes. I'm late for an appointment and if I don't park here I'll lose my job. Forgive us our trespasses."

      Returning, she came back only to find a parking ticket and this note:

      "I've circled the block for 20 years, and if I don't give you a ticket, I'll lose my job... Lead us not into temptation."

      Tags:
      • Time
      00
      Permalink
    • A professor and a doctor both love the same girl.

      Each one tries to get rid of the other.

      Once, it so happened that the professor had travel out of the country for a week.

      Before leaving, he gave his girlfriend seven apples and asked her to eat one every day while he was not there.

      When asked why, he replied,"Because an apple a day keeps the doctor away."

      Tags:
      • Food
      • Love
      • Doctor
      • Teacher
      00
      Permalink
    • In the courtroom where I worked as a court reporter, a dentist was called as a witness.

      He took the oath a few feet from my desk, and I noticed his upraised arm was trembling, apparently from nervousness.

      After he finished, I couldn't resist saying softly, "Sit down, Doctor. This won't hurt a bit."

      Tags:
      • Work
      • Doctor
      • Dentist
      00
      Permalink
    • 2 boys searching for their lost girlfriends:

      1st: How your girlfriend look like?

      2nd: 5'6, hot, sexy, blue eyes... what about yours?

      1st: Forget about mine.. lets search for yours.

      Tags:
      • Men
      • Relationship
      00
      Permalink
    • A man was recently flying to New York.

      He decided to strike up a conversation with his seat mate.

      "I've got a great policeman joke. Would you like to hear it?"

      "I should let you know first that I am a policeman."

      "That's OK. I'll tell it really slow!"

      Tags:
      • Police
      00
      Permalink
    • Some love one,

      Some love two.

      I love one,

      That is you.

      Tags:
      • Love
      • Poetry
      • Romance
      00
      Permalink
    • At an art gallery, a woman and her ten-year-old son were having a tough time choosing between one of my paintings and another artist's work.

      They finally went with mine.

      "I guess you decided you prefer an autumn scene to a floral," I said.

      "No," said the boy. "Your painting's wider, so it'll cover three holes in our wall."

      Tags:
      • Children
      • Customer Service
      00
      Permalink
    • On a Roman warship, the galley boss looked over his slaves and shouted, "Today I have good news. All of you are getting extra food tonight."

      The slaves all looked at him in silence, except one decrepit old man in the back, who moaned, "Oh God, no, not again."

      A new slave next to him asked, "Why are you moaning?"

      "This only happens when the Captain's nephew wants to water ski."

      Tags:
      • War
      • Food
      • Family
      • Sport
      • Manager
      00
      Permalink
    • Me: I just bought Tupacs of Eminems for 50 Cents.

      Friend: That's Ludacris. How Kanye West your money like that?

      Tags:
      • Money
      • Music
      • Celebrity
      00
      Permalink
    • Christian Doctor: "Your recovery was a miracle!"

      Christian Patient: "Thank God! Now I don't have to pay you."

      Tags:
      • Money
      • Doctor
      • Christian
      • Customer Service
      00
      Permalink
    • A man enters a store and says: "15 litres of wine please."

      "Did you bring a container for this? "

      "You're speaking to it."

      Tags:
      • Men
      • Wine
      • Drunk
      • Alcohol
      00
      Permalink
    • A blonde biology student conducts an experiment on grasshoppers.

      She pulls off one of its legs at a time and yells, "Hop."

      The grasshopper hops each time until all of its legs are gone.

      The blonde concludes: when all the legs of a grasshopper are removed, it becomes deaf.

      Tags:
      • Blonde
      • Science
      • Student
      00
      Permalink
    • What do two rednecks say after breaking up?

      Lets just be cousins.

      Tags:
      • Family
      • Redneck
      • Relationship
      00
      Permalink
    • Two old men in a retirement village were sitting in the reading room and one said to the other, "How do you really feel?

      I mean, you're 75 years old, how do you honestly feel?"

      "Honestly, I feel like a new born baby.

      I've got no hair, no teeth, and I just peed myself."

      Tags:
      • Baby
      • Old People
      00
      Permalink
    • Boy: "Our principal is so stupid!"

      Girl: "Don't you know who I am?"

      Boy: "No?"

      Girl: "I'm the principals daughter".

      Boy: "Do you know who I am?"

      Girl: "No."

      Boy: "Good."

      *walks away quickly*

      Tags:
      • School
      • Idiot
      • Manager
      00
      Permalink
    • The Teacher asked Little Johnny,

      "How can you prevent diseases caused by biting insects?"

      Little Johnny replied, "Just Don't bite any."

      Tags:
      • Animal
      • Health
      • Teacher
      • Little Johnny
      00
      Permalink
    • A police officer saw a car speeding down the highway.

      He started chasing after the speeder .

      When he got close he's saw it was a blonde woman who was actually knitting while driving.

      The cop yelled, "Pull over!"

      The blonde shouted back, "No! It's a sweater!"

      Tags:
      • Blonde
      00
      Permalink
    • Patient: Doc I keep on forgetting things.

      Doctor: Since when did you have these problems?

      Patient: What problems?

      00
      Permalink
    • Nurse: "If you're going to give grapes to a baby make sure you cut them in half."

      Me: [visibly confused]

      Wife: "The grapes, not the baby."

      Tags:
      • Baby
      • Wife
      • Children
      00
      Permalink
    • Two computers in the same LAN chatting one night:

      PC1: I was having a nightmare last night, it was so horrible.

      PC2: Why, what did you dream about ?

      PC1: I was sleeping, dreaming 0 1 1 0 1 0 0 0 1 0 when all of a sudden a 2 popped up!

      Tags:
      • Technology
      • Computer
      00
      Permalink
    • A group of computer science geeks were listening to a lecture about Java programming at a university.

      After the lecture, one of the men leaned over and grabbed a woman's breast.

      Woman: Hey! That's private OK ?

      The man hesitated for a second looking confused.

      Man: But I thought we were in the same class.

      Tags:
      • Technology
      • Nerd
      • Programming
      00
      Permalink
    • Teacher: "Who can tell me 5 wild animals?"

      Little Johnny: "2 lions and 3 wolves."

      Tags:
      • Animal
      • Teacher
      • Children
      • Little Johnny
      00
      Permalink
    • There is a senior citizen driving on the highway.

      His wife calls him on his cell phone and in a worried voice says, "Herman, be careful!

      I just heard on the radio that there is a madman driving the wrong way on Route 280!"

      Herman says, "I know, but there isn't just one, there are hundreds!"

      00
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    • Two monsters went to a Halloween party.

      Suddenly one said to the other, "A lady just rolled her eyes at me. What should I do?"

      The other monster replied, "Be a gentleman and roll them back to her."

      Tags:
      • Party
      • Halloween
      • Disgusting
      00
      Permalink
    • A boyfriend asks his girlfriend:

      "What gift would you like to receive during the St. Valentine's Day?"

      "Well, I don't know" she answers shyly.

      "OK, that I give you another year to think about it..."

      Tags:
      • Men
      • Time
      • Relationship
      • Valentines day
      00
      Permalink
    • Back in my day, we didn't watch TV while we ate dinner.

      We actually talked to each other.

      It was awful!

      Tags:
      • Food
      • Technology
      00
      Permalink
    • Twin brother were in a same class. Teacher ask them to write their father's name.

      They wrote different name.

      Teacher was shocked and ask them why did they wrote the different names.

      They reply, " Now you won't say that we cheated".

      Tags:
      • School
      • Teacher
      00
      Permalink
    • Doctor: "Did you take those pills I gave you to improve your memory?"

      Patient: "What pills?"

      Tags:
      • Doctor
      • Memory
      00
      Permalink
    • Two girls were comparing boyfriends.

      "Mine's the best," said the first.

      "I call him Seven-Up because he's 7 inches long and he's always up!"

      "Oh yeah," exclaimed the other, "I call my boyfriend Jack Daniel's because he's the best hard licker there is!"

      Tags:
      • Alcohol
      00
      Permalink
    • A conversation among my Children's Church a while back.

      A little girl announced proudly to our class one day, "My mommy has a baby in her belly!"

      The little boy next to her was mortified! "Why did your mommy eat a baby!"

      Tags:
      • Baby
      • Church
      • Family
      • Children
      00
      Permalink
    • The Queen of England was showing the Archbishop of Canterbury around the Royal Stables when one of the stallions close by farted so loudly it couldn't be ignored.

      "Oh dear," said the Queen, "How embarrassing. I'm frightfully sorry about that."

      "It's quite understandable," said the archbishop, and after a moment added, "as a matter of fact I thought it was the horse."

      Tags:
      • Women
      00
      Permalink
    • Three guys, stranded on a desert island, find a magic lantern containing a genie, who grants them each one wish.

      The first guy wishes he was off the island and back home.

      The second guy wishes the same.

      The third guy says "I'm lonely.

      I wish my friends were back here."

      Tags:
      • Men
      • Genie
      • Friend
      • Desert Island
      00
      Permalink
    • What is a ghosts favorite snack?

      Boo berries

      Tags:
      • Food
      • Thanksgiving
      00
      Permalink
    • What do dogs do after they finish obedience school?

      They get their masters.

      Tags:
      • Dog
      • Animal
      • School
      00
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    • Why don't you ask Yoda for money?

      He is always a little to short.

      Tags:
      • Money
      • Celebrity
      00
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    • "Young man," said the judge, looking sternly at the defendant.

      "It's alcohol and alcohol alone that's responsible for your present sorry state!"

      "I'm glad to hear you say that," replied Murphy, with a sigh of relief.

      "Everybody else says it's all my fault!"

      Tags:
      • Alcohol
      00
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    • A photographer goes to a haunted castle determined to get a picture of a ghost on Halloween.

      The ghost he encounters turns out to be friendly and poses for a snapshot.

      The happy photographer later downloads his photos and finds that the photos are underexposed and completely blank.

      Moral of the story: The spirit is willing, but the flash is weak.

      Tags:
      • Business
      • Halloween
      00
      Permalink
    • What do mummies like listening to on Halloween?

      Wrap music!

      Tags:
      • Music
      • Halloween
      00
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    • "I'm sorry for throwing red wine over all your dresses in the wardrobe last night," I told my girlfriend. "I've spent all day getting the stains out just to show how much you mean to me."

      "Oh, that's really nice," she said. "What did you use to remove the stains?"

      "Scissors," I replied.

      Tags:
      • Wine
      • Relationship
      00
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    • After giving birth, I quit my job.

      The exit questionnaire asked, "What steps would have prevented you from leaving?"

      My answer: "Birth control."

      Tags:
      • Baby
      • Work
      • Medical
      • Birthday
      00
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    • One night my mother in law came to our home.

      In the middle of the night suddenly I was awakened by a horrible sound from WC.

      She farted.

      I was so angry that shouted and said: "Your food is under your feet and your weapons are complete get out and go to fight with ISIS!"

      Tags:
      • War
      • Fart
      • terrorist
      • Disgusting
      • mother in law
      00
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    • Man: I have no sympathy for a man who is intoxicated all the time.

      Fields: A man who's intoxicated all the time doesn't need sympathy

      Tags:
      • Alcohol
      00
      Permalink
    • How do you find how many fat people are in America?

      Throw a cookie into the street.

      Tags:
      • Fat
      • Food
      • Geography
      00
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    • A snail starts a slow climb up the trunk of an apple tree.

      He is watched by a sparrow who can't help laughing and eventually says "Don't you know there aren't any apples on the tree yet?"

      "Yes," said the snail, "but there will be by the time I get up there."

      Tags:
      • Food
      • Animal
      • Travel
      00
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    • Me: "Hey, don't assume I'm dying alone. I might find someone, you don't know."

      Waiter: "I asked if you were dining alone."

      Me: "Oh, sorry. Yes."

      Tags:
      • Food
      • Relationship
      00
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    • My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start.

      So far today, I have finished two bags of chips and a chocolate cake.

      I feel better already.

      Tags:
      • Food
      • Doctor
      00
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    • Romi (to the doctor): "Doctor, my sister thinks that she is a lift."

      Doctor: "Tell her to come in."

      Romi: "I cannot"

      Doctor: "Why so?"

      Romi: "Because she does not stop at this floor."

      Tags:
      • Doctor
      00
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    • One day Daily Mail has a article with title: "One in four cannot read."

      The next day one another newspaper writes: "Nice to see a newspaper finally acknowledging their audience."

      00
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    • Note to self:

      Don't be the cashier to tell Chuck Norris his coupons have expired.

      Tags:
      • Chuck Norris
      00
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    • On a rural road a state trooper pulled this farmer over and said, "Sir, do you realize your wife fell out of the car several miles back?"

      To which the farmer replied, "Thank God, I thought I had gone deaf!"

      Tags:
      • Car
      • Wife
      • Police
      • Driving
      00
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    • You know, I have Google+, Facebook, Twitter, Skype accounts...

      Man, and do you have life?

      OMG, No! Could you send me a link?

      Tags:
      • Technology
      • Facebook
      • Technology
      00
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    • Who was the fastest runner?

      Adam.

      He was first in the human race.

      Tags:
      • Athlete
      00
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    • A beautiful woman enters a bar and sits next to a lawyer.

      "Listen honey," she says, "For $50, I'll do absolutely anything you want."

      The lawyer looks around, pulls fifty dollars from his wallet and says, "Paint my house."

      Tags:
      • Money
      • Women
      • Beauty
      • Lawyer
      00
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    • The trouble with retirement is that you never get a day off.

      – Abe Lemons

      Tags:
      • Old People
      00
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    • Susan was having a tough day and after returning home she started complaining.

      She said to her husband, "Nobody loves me....nobody cares for me..the whole world hates me!"

      Her husband, watching TV said casually: "That's not true dear. You are not that famous that whole world hates you. Some people don't even know you."

      Tags:
      • Men
      • Love
      • Husband
      00
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    • The teacher said to Danny: "Why are you in the floor?"

      Danny said: "Because you said to do this Math problem without Tables."

      Tags:
      • School
      00
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    • An elementary school class goes on a field trip to the police station.

      The Officer points to the 10 MOST WANTED list and tells them that these are the most wanted fugitives in the USA.

      Little Boy says " He is the MOST WANTED in the USA?!" Officer says "Yes."

      Little Boy asks "Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture."

      Tags:
      • Police
      • Little Johnny
      00
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    • It had been snowing for hours when an announcement came over the intercom:

      "Will the students who are parked on University Drive please move their cars so that we may begin plowing."

      Twenty minutes later there was another announcement:

      "Will the nine hundred students who went to move fourteen cars return to class."

      Tags:
      • Car
      • School
      00
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    • A client of a hospital where they made brain transplantations asked about the prices.

      The doctor said, "Well, this Ph.D. brain costs $10,000.

      This brain belonged to a NASA top scientist and costs $15,000.

      Here we have a policeman's brain as well.

      It costs $50,000."

      The client asked, "What? How's that possible?"

      The doctor replied, "You see, it's totally unused."

      Tags:
      • Money
      • Police
      • Hospital
      00
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    • A student went to class late, so the teacher asked him, "Why are you late?"

      He told her, "I was dreaming of a Manchester United football match."

      But that did not make any sense for the teacher so she ask, "Still why are you late?"

      He answered, "Because there was extra time."

      Tags:
      • School
      • Soccer
      • Teacher
      00
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    • Baby Rabbit: "Mommy, where did I come from?"

      Mother Rabbit: "I'll tell you when you re older."

      Baby Rabbit: "Oh, Mommy, please, tell me now."

      Mother Rabbit: "If you must know, you were pulled from a magician's hat."

      Tags:
      • Animal
      00
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    • Stacy: You know Tracy, sometimes I don't understand life.

      Tracy: What do you mean?

      Stacy: When we were a younger, we learnt to talk and to walk. At school, we always have to sit down and shut up...

      Tags:
      • School
      00
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    • When a White guy is...

      Scared- He gets even whiter.

      Cold- He turns Blue.

      Angry-He turns Red.

      Stoned- Gray duh.

      Sick- He turns Green.

      When a Black guy is...

      Scared- He stays Black.

      Cold- He stays Black.

      Angry- He stays Black.

      Stoned- He stays Black.

      Black Man to White Man: And you calling us colored.

      Tags:
      • White People
      00
      Permalink
    • Why was Pavlov's hair so soft?

      Classical conditioning.

      Tags:
      • Nerd
      • Nerd
      • Science
      00
      Permalink
    • A wife says, "Hey! Look at that funny guy who's been drinking a lot."

      The husband responds, "Who is he?"

      The wife answers, "Well, five years ago, he was my boyfriend and I denied him for marriage."

      "Oh my God! He's still celebrating his freedom!" says the husband.

      Tags:
      • Men
      • Alcohol
      • Marriage
      00
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    • Teacher: "Johnny, what is the outside of a tree called?"

      Johnny: "I don't know."

      Teacher: "Bark, Johnny, bark."

      Johnny: "Bow, wow, wow!"

      Tags:
      • School
      00
      Permalink
    • How do Columbians develop muscle?

      By pushing drugs.

      Tags:
      • Fitness
      00
      Permalink
    • Two blonde girls are discussing:

      "Yesterday during the blackout I got stuck in the elevator for three whole hours!"

      "Tell me about it! I got stuck too in the escalators."

      Tags:
      • Blonde
      00
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    • Mom can I buy some heels?

      No.

      Mom can I buy a bra?

      No.

      Mom can I buy a dress?

      No.

      Mom can I buy a barbie doll?

      No. You never let me buy anything!

      Shut up, Justin.

      Tags:
      • Music
      00
      Permalink
    • Justin Bieber got 100,000 retweets for tweeting "Live life full".

      That's just 3 random words.

      I'm going to try now.

      Jockstrap squirrel potatoes.

      Tags:
      • Music
      • Internet
      • Celebrity
      00
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    • Benefits of having Alzheimer's:

      You can wrap your own presents.

      You are always meeting new friends.

      Tags:
      • Health
      • Memory
      • Friend
      00
      Permalink
    • What's the difference between a book and a teacher?

      You can shut a book up but you can't shut a teacher up.

      Tags:
      • Teacher
      00
      Permalink
    • A plumber went to the attorneys house to unstop the sink.

      When he finished he said to the attorney "that will be $400.00."

      The attorney became irate "What do you mean $400.00, you were only here 20 minutes, that's ridiculous!!"

      The plumber replied, "I thought the same thing when I was an attorney".

      Tags:
      • Time
      • Money
      • Lawyer
      00
      Permalink
    • I visited my new friend in his flat.

      He told me to make myself at home.

      So I threw him out.

      I hate having visitors.

      Tags:
      • Friend
      00
      Permalink
    • Two friends, Jenny and Jinny were thinking what to play during the afternoon.

      For a long time, they could not decide upon any game.

      Suddenly, Jenny had an idea.

      She turned to Jinny and said excitedly. "Let's play schools".

      "OK!" said Jinny. "But I'm going to be absent."

      Tags:
      • Time
      • Game
      • School
      • Friend
      00
      Permalink
    • What's the difference between an accountant and a lawyer?

      The accountant knows he's boring.

      Tags:
      • Lawyer
      • Accountant
      00
      Permalink
    • A second grader came home from school and said to her mother, "Mom, guess what?

      We learned how to make babies today."

      The mother, more that a little surprised, tried to keep her cool.

      "That's interesting," she said, "How do you make babies?"

      "It's simple," replied the girl. "You just change 'y' to 'i' and add 'es'."

      Tags:
      • Baby
      • School
      • Children
      00
      Permalink
    • A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room.

      When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover.

      The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, "What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a little boy before?"

      Tags:
      • Children
      00
      Permalink
    • Why did God give men penises?

      So men would at least have one way to shut a woman up.

      Tags:
      • God
      • Women
      00
      Permalink
    • Why was the blonde having trouble sleeping?

      She forgot to close her eyes.

      Tags:
      • Blonde
      00
      Permalink
    • *WINS AN OSCAR*

      Me: I'd like to thank my legs, for always supporting me; my arms, who are always by my side and lastly my fingers, I can always count on them.

      00
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    • Four blondes drive to a bar in their old pickup truck.

      Three sit in the cab and one sits in the bed of the truck.

      The three blondes go into the bar and order a round of shots.

      Almost an hour later, the fourth blonde finally joins them.

      "Where have you been?" they ask.

      Clearly frustrated, she responds, "Well, you all forgot to open the tail gate!"

      Tags:
      • Blonde
      00
      Permalink
    • A boy speeding on road.

      Guard stops him and ask, "Did you see the speed limit sign?"

      The boy says, "Yea, I just didn't see you."

      Tags:
      • Police
      00
      Permalink
    • A couple placed an ad: "Have 4 sons, need advice on how to get a daughter."

      Responses:

      American: "Keep trying!"

      Briton: "Change Doctor!"

      Aussie: "Follow a special diet."

      Indian: "Practice yoga!"

      Pinoy: "Let me try!"

      Tags:
      • Food
      • Relationship
      • Doctor
      • Children
      00
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    • Mum has told her little girl all about the making of babies.

      Little Annie is now silent for a while.

      "You understand it now?" Mum asks.

      "Yes," replies her daughter.

      "Do you still have any questions?"

      "Yes, how about little kittens? How does that work?"

      "In exactly the same way as with babies."

      "Wow!" the girl exclaims. "My daddy can do ANYTHING!"

      Tags:
      • Baby
      • Cat
      • Children
      00
      Permalink
    • What does a kitty like to eat for breakfast?

      Mice Krispies.

      Tags:
      • Food
      • Cat
      00
      Permalink
    • Why is it that so many lawyers have broken noses?

      From chasing parked ambulances.

      Tags:
      • Health
      • Lawyer
      • Medical
      • Idiot
      00
      Permalink
    • "The auditors have just left, sir."

      "Did they check the books?"

      "Very thoroughly."

      "What did they say?"

      "They want 15% to keep quiet."

      Tags:
      • Money
      • Business
      • Accountant
      00
      Permalink
    • At the clothing store where I work, I make it a point of pride to give customers my unvarnished opinion.

      One day, when a man emerged from the fitting room, I took one look at him and shook my head.

      "No, no," I said. "Those jeans look terrible on you. I'll go get you another pair."

      As I walked away, I heard him mumble, "I was trying on the shirt."

      Tags:
      • Beauty
      • Business
      • Customer Service
      00
      Permalink
    • The psychiatrist asks his patient: "Do you really think that you are a horse?"

      The patient: "Yes."

      The Doctor: "Ok, it will be a long and expensive therapy."

      The patient: "It's ok, I have enough money."

      Doctor: "And how it is possible?"

      The patient: "Because I have won three times horse races."

      Tags:
      • Horse
      • Money
      • Doctor
      00
      Permalink
    • Seth: "Why is basketball the messiest Olympic sport?"

      Will: "I don't know."

      Seth: "Because the players dribble all over the court!"

      Tags:
      • Sport
      00
      Permalink
    • Why did the hipster leave his oceanside mansion?

      It was too current.

      Tags:
      • Time
      • Hipster
      00
      Permalink
    • Applying for a job, a new lawyer was asked if paying back his law school tuition would be any special problem.

      He replied that he paid it back right after his first case.

      When asked how he managed that, he said, "Well, my dad sued me for it and won."

      Tags:
      • Work
      • Money
      • Lawyer
      00
      Permalink
    • A couple was touring the capitol in Washington, DC, and the guide pointed out a tall, benevolent gentleman as the congressional chaplain.

      The lady asked, "What does the chaplain do? Does he pray for the Senate or House?"

      The guide answered, "No, he gets up, looks at both houses of Congress, then prays for the country!"

      Tags:
      • Relationship
      • Travel
      00
      Permalink
    • A random communist leader hears about a man making jokes about him.

      He organizes a feast and calls the man.

      Leader: "This is how all meals will look in the future!"

      Man: (looks for a few seconds at the leader then says): "I thought I was the one around with the jokes."

      Tags:
      • Food
      • Time
      • Politics
      00
      Permalink
    • Teacher: "Who can tell what is a mammal?"

      Little Johnny: "My grand mother!"

      Tags:
      • Family
      • Teacher
      • Old People
      • Little Johnny
      00
      Permalink
    • A guy walks into an antique store and buys a grandfather clock, he walks out of the shop with it and accidentally walks into a drunk guy. (they both fall over and the clock gets smashed to bits)

      The guy says to the drunk, "Why don't you watch where your going?" and the drunk says, "Why don't you carry a wrist watch like everybody else?"

      Tags:
      • Men
      00
      Permalink
    • Client: "Please remove the unnecessary circle at the end of the sentence."

      Me: "You mean... the period?"

      Client: "I don't care what you designers call it; it is unsightly. Delete it."

      Tags:
      • Work
      • Idiot
      • Customer Service
      00
      Permalink
    • Will was trying to to teach his son the evils of alcohol.

      He put a worm in a glass of water and another in a glass of whiskey.

      The worm in the water lived while the one in the whiskey curled up and died.

      "All right, son," Said Will, "what does that show you?"

      "Well dad, it shows that if you drink alcohol you will not have worms."

      Tags:
      • Father
      • Alcohol
      • Children
      00
      Permalink
    • Three heavyweight men; an American, and an English man and a sumo wrestler were going to commit suicide by jumping of the top of a building.

      The American jumped off and shouted "God save America!"

      The English man jumped off and shouted "God Save The Queen!"

      The Sumo wrestler jumped off and shouted "God save the person who I land on!"

      Tags:
      • God
      • Sport
      00
      Permalink
    • Why does the Iraqi Navy have glass bottom boats?

      So they can see their Air Force.

      Tags:
      • Navy
      • Air Force
      00
      Permalink
    • A dog walks into a pub, and takes a seat.

      He says to the barman, "Can I have a pint of lager and a packet of crisps please".

      The barman says, "Wow, that's amazing! You should join the circus!"

      The dog replies, "Why? Do they need electricians?"

      Tags:
      • Bar
      • Dog
      • Animal
      00
      Permalink
    • "Dad, can you write in the dark?"

      "I think so. What is it you want me to write?"

      "Your name on this report card."

      Tags:
      • School
      00
      Permalink
    • Jordan: My teacher says I have to write more clearly.

      Mom: That's a good idea, Jordan.

      Jordan: No, it's not. Then she'll know I can't spell.

      Tags:
      • School
      00
      Permalink
    • Two blondes were talking together:

      First: "How about your engaged Jim? Is he keeping well?"

      Second: "He isn't just now my engaged."

      First: "Hi good news. His nose was too big and his head was bald with an ugly face!"

      Second: "He is now my husband!"

      Tags:
      • Ugly
      • Blonde
      • Husband
      • Idiot
      00
      Permalink
    • Just been to the gym and there's a new machine.

      Only used it for an hour as I started to feel sick.

      It's good though, it does everything 'Kitkats, Mars bars, Snickers and crisps'!

      Tags:
      • Fat
      • gym
      • Food
      • Fitness
      00
      Permalink
    • Two blondes realize that their apartment is on fire and go out onto the balcony.

      "Help, help!" yells one of the blondes.

      "Help us, help us!" yells the other.

      "Maybe it would help if we yelled together," said the first blonde.

      "Good idea," said the other.

      "Together, together!"

      Tags:
      • Blonde
      00
      Permalink
    • "It was just a simple misunderstanding, your Honour."

      Testified the man charged with indecent exposure.

      "Explain that statement!" demanded the Judge.

      "Well, you see, this girl and I were drinking in a bar and she asked me what I wanted most in a woman... So I showed her."

      Tags:
      • Bar
      • Women
      • Lawyer
      • Alcohol
      00
      Permalink
    • What is height of forgetfulness?

      Seeing the mirror and trying to recollect when you saw him / her last.

      00
      Permalink
    • Customer: "Waiter, is this a lamb chop or pork chop?"

      Waiter: "Can't you tell the difference by taste?"

      Customer: "No, I can't."

      Waiter: "Then does it really matter?"

      Tags:
      • Food
      00
      Permalink
    • What happens to the man who lost his whole left side of his body?

      He is all right now.

      Tags:
      • Men
      00
      Permalink
    • "I'm beginning to think that my lawyer is too interested in making money."

      "Why do you say that?"

      "Listen to this from his bill: 'For waking up at night and thinking about your case: $25'."

      Tags:
      • Lawyer
      00
      Permalink
    • A man received a phone call one day, and the caller asked if he had lost a parrot.

      He said that he had indeed lost the bird, but wanted to know how the caller located him.

      The called said that the bird had landed on his balcony and kept repeating, "Hi, you have reached 555-1234. I can't come to the phone right now, please leave a message at the tone."

      Tags:
      • Animal
      • Telephone
      00
      Permalink
    • Two skunks observed a deer hunter sneaking through the woods with a rifle.

      "I hope he's not going to shoot at us," said one skunk.

      The second skunk bowed his head and said, "Let us spray."

      Tags:
      • Animal
      • Hunting
      • Disgusting
      00
      Permalink
    • 1st Eskimo: "Where did your mother come from?"

      2nd Eskimo: "Alaska."

      1st Eskimo: "Don't bother, I'll ask her myself!"

      00
      Permalink
    • What did the big furry hat say to the warm woolly scarf?

      "You hang around while I go on ahead."

      Tags:
      • Winter
      00
      Permalink
    • "Little Johnny, why does your little sister cry?"

      "Because I helped her."

      "But that is a good thing! What did you help her with?"

      "I helped her eat her gummy bears."

      Tags:
      • Food
      • Children
      • Little Johnny
      00
      Permalink
    • What is the show cesium and iodine love watching together?

      CSI

      Tags:
      • Love
      • Chemistry
      00
      Permalink
    • Mr. and Mrs. Apostrophe are divorcing.

      He found her to be possessive and she hated his contractions.

      The marriage felt like a sentence.

      Tags:
      • Marriage
      00
      Permalink
    • My grandfather once told me "your generation is too reliant on technology."

      So I replied "no, your generation is too reliant on technology!"

      Then I disconnected his life support.

      Tags:
      • Old People
      • Technology
      00
      Permalink
    • What's worse than having termites in your piano?

      Crabs on your organ.

      Tags:
      • Animal
      • Health
      00
      Permalink
    • Computer users are divided into three types: novice, intermediate and expert.

      Novice users: people who are afraid that simply pressing a key might break their computer.

      Intermediate users: people who don't know how to fix their computer after they've just pressed a key that broke it.

      Expert users: people who break other people's computers.

      Tags:
      • Technology
      00
      Permalink
    • A guy tells his friends:

      The girl I was dating broke my heart, so I broke her Apple iPhone 5. You all know who cried more

      Tags:
      • Technology
      • Dating
      • Telephone
      • Technology
      00
      Permalink
    • Two guys are walking down the street when a mugger approaches them and demands their money. They both grudgingly pull out their wallets and begin taking out their cash.

      Just then one guy turns to the other and hands him a bill.

      "Here's that $20 I owe you," he says.

      Tags:
      • Men
      00
      Permalink
    • A person went into the office kitchen one morning and found a new blonde girl painting the walls.

      She was wearing a new fur coat and a nice denim jacket.

      Thinking this was a little strange, he asked her why she was wearing them rather than old clothes or an overall.

      She showed him the instructions on the tin, "For best results, put on two coats".

      Tags:
      • Work
      • Blonde
      00
      Permalink
    • Teacher: What makes you see?

      Bobyjack: My eyes, my nose and my ears.

      Teacher: True for the eyes but why for your ears and nose?

      Bobyjack: It's to hold my glasses!

      Tags:
      • School
      00
      Permalink
    • One afternoon, Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and she says, "Mable, did you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?"

      Mable answered, "I have a suppository in my EAR?"

      She pulled it out and stared at it.

      Then she said, "Ethel, I'm awfully glad you saw this thing.

      Now I think I know where my hearing aid is."

      Tags:
      • Old People
      00
      Permalink
    • The murderer was holed up in his house, and the SWAT team was trying to get him out.

      A cop got on the bullhorn and said, "Come on out, or I'm going to come in there and drag you out!"

      The murderer called back, "I'm warning you.

      If you don't wipe your feet when you come in, my wife'll kill us both!"

      Tags:
      • Wife
      • Police
      00
      Permalink
    • When I reached bus stop I saw a pretty blonde who was gazing me.

      First I supposed perhaps she loves me so I also watched her and twinkled her.

      Then I understood she has farted and is looking me in order whether I would feel or not.

      Tags:
      • Fart
      • Love
      • Beauty
      • Blonde
      • Disgusting
      00
      Permalink
    • Dad, would you like to save some money?

      I certainly would, son.

      Any suggestions? Sure.

      Why not buy me a bike, then I won't wear my shoes out so fast.

      Tags:
      • Father
      • Money
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    • While reading the newspaper, Walter came across an article about a beautiful actress and model who married a boxer who was not noted for his IQ.

      "I'll never understand," he said to his wife, "why the biggest jerks get the most attractive wives."

      His wife replied: "Thank you, dear!"

      Tags:
      • Men
      • Women
      • Beauty
      • Idiot
      00
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    • I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area and went to the lost luggage office and reported the loss.

      The woman there smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and said I was in good hands.

      "Now," she asked me, "Has your plane arrived yet?"

      Tags:
      • Women
      • Airplane
      00
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    • A man went to visit a friend and was amazed to find him playing chess with his dog.

      He watched the game in astonishment for a while.

      "I can hardly believe my eyes!" he exclaimed. That's the smartest dog I've ever seen."

      "Nah, he's not so smart," the friend replied. I've beaten him three games out of five."

      Tags:
      • Animal
      00
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    • Why there are many bubbles on the pool's water?

      Swimmers are farting.

      Tags:
      • Fart
      • Sport
      • Disgusting
      00
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    • What does the baker have under his apron?

      Dough nuts.

      00
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    • Father: Son this time, you have to score 90% marks in your exams.

      Son: No father I'll score 100% marks.

      Father: Why are you kidding?

      Son: Who started?

      Tags:
      • School
      00
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    • Boyfriend: Do you think my salary is sufficient for you?

      Girlfriend: It's sufficient for me but how will you survive?

      Tags:
      • Women
      • Relationship
      00
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    • Just look at that young person with the short hair and blue jeans.

      Is it a boy or a girl?

      B: It's a girl.

      She's my daughter.

      Oh, I'm sorry, sir.

      I didn't know that you were her father.

      B: I'm not. I'm her mother.

      Tags:
      • Father
      • Children
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    • A woman came home to find her retired husband waving a rolled up newspaper round his head.

      Wife: 'What are you doing dear?'

      Husband: 'Swatting flies - I got 3 males and 2 females'

      Wife: 'How on Earth do you know which gender they were?'

      Husband: 'Easy - 3 were on the beer, and the other 2 were on the phone.'

      Tags:
      • Beer
      • Wife
      • Husband
      • Telephone
      • Old People
      00
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    • A 60-year-old millionaire has just married a 20-year-old model.

      'You crafty old devil,' says his friend.

      'How did you manage to get a lovely young wife like that?'

      'Easy,' replies the millionaire.

      'I told her I was 95.'

      Tags:
      • Money
      00
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    • Facebook: "My kids are perfect."

      Instagram: "My kids are beautiful."

      Twitter: "My kids are why I drink."

      Tags:
      • Children
      • Internet
      00
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    • Teacher: Name two days of the week that start with "t".

      Pupil: Today and Tomorrow.

      Tags:
      • School
      00
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    • Why are farmers cooler than Hipsters?

      Farmers can go a day without their Pitchfork

      Tags:
      • Work
      • Hipster
      00
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    • What do you call fake spaghetti?

      "I'm pasta."

      Tags:
      • Food
      00
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    • Teacher: "I will call your parents!"

      Elementary student: "No! I'll be a good boy!"

      Junior High School Student: "Pffff... Anyway..."

      High School Student: "Send my mother my greetings!"

      Tags:
      • School
      • Student
      • Teacher
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    • A man and woman were on their first date.

      The woman was trying to make conversation and said, "So I hear you hunt deer."

      The man looked away and turned red.

      "What's wrong?" asked the woman.

      "I'm not used to someone calling me dear on the first date," the man said.

      Tags:
      • Men
      • Women
      • Dating
      • Hunting
      00
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    • A guy with bright blue, green and orange color hair was standing at a bus stop.

      Few moments later an elderly man stood near him and kept staring at him hard.

      Annoyed by the stares the guy asked him, "What's up oldie! Never done something wild?"

      To this the old man replied, "Yeah,I fucked a peahen once and I'm wondering if you are my son."

      Tags:
      • Old People
      00
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    • Why did God invent yeast infection?

      So women know what it feels like to live with an annoying cunt.

      Tags:
      • Women
      00
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    • In the supermarket was a man pushing a cart which contained a screaming, bellowing baby.

      The gentleman kept repeating softly, "Don't get excited, Albert; don't scream, Albert; don't yell, Albert; keep calm, Albert."

      A woman standing next to him said, "You certainly are to be commended for trying to soothe your son, Albert."

      The man looked at her and said, "Lady, I'm Albert."

      Tags:
      • Baby
      • Children
      00
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    • Everyone should stop hating on Lance Armstrong.

      He won 7 Toure De France's on DRUGS!

      When I'm on drugs, I can't even FIND my bicycle.

      Tags:
      • Drunk
      • Sport
      00
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    • A smart blond, Santa and a pregnant woman are on an elevator.

      A twenty-dollar bill lies on the ground.

      Who picks it up?

      The pregnant woman... the other two aren't real!

      Tags:
      • Blonde
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    • What's the worst thing about being lonely?

      Playing Frisbee.

      Tags:
      • Relationship
      • Sport
      00
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    • A young boy knocked on my door on Halloween night and said, "Trick or treat?"

      I looked at him and asked, "What have you come as?"

      He said, "A werewolf."

      I said, "But you're not wearing a costume. You've just got your normal clothes on."

      He said, "Yeah well, it's not a full moon yet, is it?"

      Tags:
      • Children
      • Halloween
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    • Cool Morals:

      1. Money is not everything. There's also MasterCard and Visa.

      2. One should love animals. They are tasty too.

      3. Save water. Drink beer.

      4. Studying is healthy. So leave it for the sick.

      5. Books are holy. So don't touch them.

      6. Love your neighbor. But don't get caught.

      7. Every one should marry because happiness is not the only thing in life...

      00
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    • Peter: Why was the Olympian not able to listen to music?

      Matthew: Why?

      Peter: Because he broke the record!

      Tags:
      • Music
      • Sport
      • Athlete
      00
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    • Did you hear the one about the blonde that had a problem with her bed?

      She couldn't find a knife large enough to apply the bed spread.

      Tags:
      • Blonde
      • Idiot
      00
      Permalink
    • What do you call a pig who knows karate?

      Pork Chop.

      Tags:
      • Animal
      • Sport
      00
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    • Teacher: Your behaviour reminds me of square root of 2?

      Student: Why?

      Teacher: Because its' completely irrational.

      Tags:
      • Math
      00
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    • What sports team is the least safe around children?

      The Nashville Predators.

      Tags:
      • Sport
      • Children
      00
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    • A man visits his doctor with celery stalks stuck in each ear and a carrot stick up each nostril.

      He mumbles, "Doc, I'm just not feeling well."

      The doctor replies, "Maybe you're not eating right."

      Tags:
      • Men
      • Food
      • Doctor
      00
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    • Scene: A radio newsroom.

      Caller: "I just wanted to let you know you're off the air."

      Host: "Yes, we know. The engineers are working on it."

      Caller: "It would be nice if you put something on the air that says that."

      Tags:
      • Work
      • Technology
      00
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    • Two elderly ladies were discussing the upcoming dance at the country club.

      "We're supposed to wear something that matches our husband's hair, so I'm wearing black," said Mrs. Smith.

      "Oh my," said Mrs. Jones, "I'd better not go."

      Tags:
      • Husband
      • Old People
      00
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    • What's the forecast for New Year's Eve?

      Mostly drunk with a slight chance of passing out.

      Tags:
      • Time
      • Drunk
      • New Year
      00
      Permalink
    • Why is marriage not a word?

      It's a lifelong incarceration!

      Tags:
      • Time
      • Jail
      • Marriage
      00
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    • A tourist was watching an Indigenous man sending smoke signals.

      Everything around him was primitive, except of a latest model fire extinguisher.

      "What's the fire extinguisher for?" the tourist wondered.

      "It's for erasing the misspellings!"

      00
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    • How do tax accountants make a bold fashion statement?

      Wear their dark grey socks instead of the light grey.

      Tags:
      • Tax
      • Beauty
      • Accountant
      00
      Permalink
    • How is the Easter Bunny like Michael Jordan? '

      They're both famous for stuffing baskets!

      Tags:
      • Easter
      • Sport
      00
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    • How can you tell when the chief accountant is getting soft?

      When he actually listens to marketing before saying no.

      Tags:
      • Money
      • Accountant
      • Manager
      00
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    • How do crazy people go through the forest?

      They take the psycho path.

      00
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    • A third age Scotsman was waiting for his son to return from his first date.

      Finally, he arrived after midnight.

      "Were you worried, father?"

      "Yes, I was really worried... I want to know how much did that date cost you..."

      "It cost me only four euros!"

      "Hmm, it's not that much."

      "I know father... But the girl didn't have any more money..."

      Tags:
      • Money
      • Dating
      00
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    • In class: 1+1=2

      Exam: John has four apples and gives one away. Calculate the mass of the sun.

      Tags:
      • School
      00
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    • Three statisticians are out hunting.

      Suddenly, a deer appears 50 yards away.

      The first statistician shoots and hits the tree 5 feet to the left.

      The second statistician shoots and hits the tree 5 feet to the right.

      The third statistician starts jumping up and down, yelling "We got him! We got him!"

      Tags:
      • Nerd
      • Math
      • Nerd
      • Hunting
      • Science
      00
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    • Police Chief: As a recruit, you'll be faced with some difficult issues.

      What would you do if you had to arrest your mother?

      New Recruit: Call for backup!

      Tags:
      • Police
      00
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    • Jill: "How did you find the weather on your vacation?"

      Bill: "I just went outside and there it was!"

      Tags:
      • Holiday
      • Weather
      • Idiot
      00
      Permalink
    • What is the difference between Election day and Thanksgiving day?

      On Thanksgiving, you get a turkey for the day; on Election day, you get a turkey for four years.

      Tags:
      • Food
      • Time
      • Politics
      • Thanksgiving
      00
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    • A girl goes to a library.

      Girl: I want the book, "Women- The most perfect and intelligent."

      .

      .

      .

      .

      Librarian: Comic section is at the backside.

      Tags:
      • Women
      00
      Permalink
    • A very fat woman comes into a store and tells the clerk,

      "I would like to see a bikini that fits me."

      Clerk, "me too..."

      Tags:
      • Women
      00
      Permalink
    • Sweet candies are nice to eat, sweet words are easy to say, but sweet people are hard to find.

      Oh my God!

      How did you find me?

      Tags:
      • Food
      00
      Permalink
    • Why did the blonde have a triangular coffin?

      Because as soon as her head hits a pillow she spreads her legs!

      Tags:
      • Blonde
      00
      Permalink
    • Student: What's infinity?

      Math Teacher: Think of a number.

      Student: Okay, I've got one.

      Teacher: Good. That's not it.

      Tags:
      • Math
      00
      Permalink
    • Bro, send me some good jokes.

      Sorry, now I'm busy with my Girlfriend.

      Good One! Send me more.

      Tags:
      • Love
      • Time
      • Insulting
      • Friend
      • Relationship
      00
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    • I decided to grab a burger at a drive-thru.

      There were no cars in sight, so I rolled up to the pay window.

      "We're still serving breakfast. And you have to order at the speaker," the clerk scolded.

      I drove all the way around the building to the squawk box and ordered a breakfast sandwich.

      "I'm sorry," she said, "we are now serving lunch."

      Tags:
      • Car
      • Food
      • Time
      • Customer Service
      00
      Permalink
    • What's the difference between hockey player and hippie girl?

      Hockey player will take shower after 3 periods.

      Tags:
      • Sport
      • Disgusting
      00
      Permalink
    • Everyone says the world would be better off if it was run by women.

      Sure, maybe there wouldn't be violence and territorial conquests fueled by male testosterone.

      But instead, we'd have a bunch of jealous countries that aren't talking to each other.

      Tags:
      • Women
      00
      Permalink
    • A man pulls up to the curb and asks the policeman, "Can I park here?"

      "No," says the cop.

      "What about all these other cars?"

      "They didn't ask!"

      Tags:
      • Police
      00
      Permalink
    • Boss comes up to an employee:

      "Yesterday you did a great job - in one day you managed to do as much work, as you did in previous month!"

      "Thanks boss, that's because Facebook was shut down for the whole day."

      Tags:
      • Work
      • Facebook
      00
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    • A middle aged woman was driving through a school zone when a policeman pulled her over for speeding.

      As he was giving her the ticket, she said, "How come I always get a ticket and everyone else gets a warning?

      Is it my face?"

      "No, ma'am," explained the officer, "it's your foot."

      Tags:
      • Police
      00
      Permalink
    • How did the pirate get through School?

      By sailing on high C's.

      Tags:
      • Pirate
      • School
      00
      Permalink
    • A bank robber wanted to keep his identity secret, but didn't wear a balaclava.

      He told all in the bank not to look at him or he would shoot them.

      One foolhardy customer sneaked a look, and the robber promptly shot him.

      The robber asked if anyone else had seen his face.

      One customer, gazing intently at the ground, said "I think my wife got a glimpse"

      Tags:
      • Wife
      • Marriage
      00
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    • Our baby was born last week.

      When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?

      When the kids are in college.

      Tags:
      • Baby
      • Wife
      • College
      • Children
      • Marriage
      00
      Permalink
    • Why can't women read maps?

      Because only the male mind can comprehend the concept of 1 inch equals a mile.

      Tags:
      • Women
      • Geography
      00
      Permalink
    • Teacher: "Are you good at math?"

      Pupil: "Yes and no."

      Teacher: "What do you mean?"

      Pupil: "Yes, I'm no good at math!"

      Tags:
      • Math
      • School
      • Teacher
      00
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    • Calling for information about one of my credit cards, I got the following recorded prompt: "Please enter your account number as it appears on your card or statement."

      I did as instructed, and the system said, "Please enter your five-digit ZIP code."

      After I put that in, I got a third message: "If you would like your information in English, press one."

      Tags:
      • Telephone
      • Customer Service
      00
      Permalink
    • An elderly man remembers the good old days:

      "When I was young, my mom could send me to a shop with a single $, and I would bring back 5 pounds of potatoes, 2 breads, a bottle of milk, a piece of cheese and 10 eggs. Nowadays that's impossible – there are simply to many security cameras."

      Tags:
      • Old People
      00
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    • A man is moaning to his mate that he never has any luck with pulling women.

      His mate tells him he has a chat up line that never fails, no matter how good looking the women are he always ends up in bed with them.

      Great says his mate, what is it!

      Just walk up to any woman you fancy and say, "Excuse me love, could I ask your opinion! Does this damp piece of cloth smell like chloroform to you?"

      Tags:
      • Men
      00
      Permalink
    • What do you call a cow during an earthquake?

      A milk shake.

      Tags:
      • Animal
      00
      Permalink
    • I got so fed up with trick or treaters at Halloween that in the end I turned the lights out and pretended I wasn't in.

      Forget the ships.

      My lighthouse, my rules...

      Tags:
      • Work
      • Travel
      • Halloween
      00
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    • Three little old ladies were sitting on a park bench when a flasher came by in only an overcoat and opened it as wide as it could go.

      The first little old lady had a stroke, the second little old lady also had a stroke, but the third little old lady couldn't reach.

      Tags:
      • Disgusting
      • Old People
      00
      Permalink
    • Girl: What if a boy hugs me?

      Mom: Say Don't

      Girl: What if he kisses me?

      Mom: Say stop.

      The next day when the girl goes to school her boyfriend hugs and kisses her well so she says as her mother told her to do and she quickly said DON'T STOP!...

      Tags:
      • School
      00
      Permalink
    • How do you circumcise a redneck?

      You kick his sister in the jaw.

      Tags:
      • Family
      • Redneck
      00
      Permalink
    • I was out for a drink with the wife last night and I said, "I love you".

      She asked me, "Is that you or the beer talking"

      I said, "It's me...I'm talking to the beer"!

      Tags:
      • Alcohol
      00
      Permalink
    • A man ask his wife, "What would you do if I won the lottery?"

      Wife says, "I would take half and leave you".

      Man says, "Great! I have won a tenner, here a fiver now fuck off!"

      Tags:
      • Men
      00
      Permalink
    • An old couple is ready to go to sleep.

      The old man lies on the bed but the old woman lies down on the floor.

      The old man asks, "Why are you going to sleep on the floor?"

      The old woman says, "Because I want to feel something hard for a change."

      Tags:
      • Relationship
      • Old People
      00
      Permalink
    • Two junior doctors were involved in a fight in the hospital.

      A senior consultant had to pull them apart.

      "What's all this about?" asked the consultant angrily.

      "It's the Tax Inspector in C ward," said one.

      "He's only got 2 days to live."

      "He had to be told." said the second doctor.

      "I know," said the first, "but I wanted to be the one to tell him!"

      Tags:
      • Tax
      • Doctor
      • Hospital
      00
      Permalink
    • A retired man who volunteers to entertain patients in nursing homes and hospitals went to one local hospital in Brooklyn and took his portable keyboard along.

      He told some jokes and sang some funny songs at patients' bedsides.

      When he finished he said, in farewell, "I hope you get better."

      One elderly gentleman replied, "I hope you get better, too."

      Tags:
      • Nurse
      • Hospital
      • Old People
      00
      Permalink
    • Caller: Hey, can you help me? My computer has locked up, and no matter how many times

      I type eleven, it won't unfreeze.

      Agent: What do you mean, "type eleven?"

      Caller: The message on my screen says, "Error Type 11!"

      Tags:
      • Technology
      • Computer
      00
      Permalink
    • After the baby was baptized, her four-year-old brother was crying inconsolably in the back seat of the car.

      "What's the matter Johnny?" asked his concerned mother.

      Johnny replied: "That man said that he hoped our baby would be raised in a good Christian home... I just want her to stay with you guys."

      Tags:
      • Car
      • Baby
      • Christian
      • Little Johnny
      00
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    • Priest: Kim, do you take Kanye to be your lawfully wedded husband to love and cherish?

      Kim: I..

      *Kanye grabs mic*

      Kanye: She do.

      Tags:
      • Music
      • Priest
      • Husband
      • Celebrity
      00
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    • A logician's wife is having a baby. The doctor immediately hands the newborn to the dad.

      His wife asks impatiently: "So, is it a boy or a girl" ?

      The logician replies: "yes".

      Tags:
      • Father
      • Baby
      • Math
      • Wife
      • Doctor
      00
      Permalink
    • A old man was sitting in the front row at a town meeting, heckling the mayor as he delivered a long speech.

      Finally the mayor could stand it no longer, so he pointed to the heckler and said, "will that gentleman please stand up and tell the audience what he has ever done for the good of the city."

      "Well Mr. Mayor," the man said in a firm voice. "I voted against you in the last election."

      00
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    • Girl: "I can't be your valentine for medical reasons."

      Boy: "Really?"

      Girl: "Yeah, you make me sick!"

      Tags:
      • Health
      • Medical
      • Valentines day
      00
      Permalink
    • "Are you two twins?"

      "No, why do you ask?"

      "Because mommy dressed you both in the same clothes."

      "OK that's enough, your driver's license please."

      Tags:
      • Car
      • Family
      • Police
      • Driving
      00
      Permalink
    • Why was the wizard kicked out of school.

      Because he forgot how to spell.

      Tags:
      • Memory
      • School
      00
      Permalink
    • How do pirates make their money?

      By hook or by crook!

      Tags:
      • Money
      • Pirate
      00
      Permalink
    • "The doctor said he would have me on my feet in two weeks."

      "And did he?"

      "Yes, I had to sell the car to pay the bill."

      Tags:
      • Car
      • Doctor
      00
      Permalink
    • Happy Father's Day!

      I got you a present but if you want to get technical then technically you bought it.

      By the way, can I borrow $20?

      Tags:
      • Money
      • Children
      • Fathers day
      00
      Permalink
    • Jim asked his friend, Tony, whether he had bought his wife anything for Valentine's Day.

      "Yes," came the answer from Tony who was a bit of a chauvinist, "I've bought her a belt and a bag."

      "That was very kind of you," Jim added, "I hope she appreciated the thought."

      Tony smiled as he replied, "So do I, and hopefully the vacuum cleaner will work better now."

      Tags:
      • Wife
      • Work
      • Friend
      • Valentines day
      00
      Permalink
    • After an accident...

      1st Driver : I flashed the headlights and told you to let me go first.

      2nd Driver : I also started the wipers and said NO NO...

      Tags:
      • Men
      00
      Permalink
    • Two lawyers were walking along negotiating a case.

      "Look," said one, "let's be honest with each other."

      "Okay, you first," replied the other.

      That was the end of the discussion.

      Tags:
      • Lawyer
      00
      Permalink
    • May: "Why did you slap me?!"

      Michael: "I didn't slap your face! I High fived it!"

      May: "I'm going to tell mom on you when we go to the sea side!"

      Michael: "Uh, Shore you will."

      May: "Don't be such a beach."

      00
      Permalink
    • Did you hear the joke about the rope?

      Just skip it.

      00
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    • Big inspection on a build site/yard.

      The boss tells the workers : what ever happens just act as usual.

      The inspection committee were inspecting when a wall just collapses.

      -(Worker looking at his watch) : 10:15, just on time

      Tags:
      • Time
      • Work
      00
      Permalink
    • One day, Bush was talking with Osama Binladen on the phone, they couldn't trace from where the call was coming from, but Osama said, "I've got good news and bad news."

      Bush replied, "What's the good news?"

      "I'm turning myself in," said Osama. "But the bad news is, I'm coming on a plane."

      00
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    • A boy at a cinema notices what looks like a bear sitting next to him "Are you a bear?"

      "Yes"

      "What are you doing at the movies?"

      "Well, I liked the book!"

      Tags:
      • Animal
      00
      Permalink
    • A female school teacher comes up to a parent at a parent meeting and says, "You know, your son called me a prostitute!"

      Dad calls up his son and says: "So this teacher teaches you, helps you, wants you to get good grades and for all that you call her a prostitute?? what do you care about what she does after work?"

      Tags:
      • School
      00
      Permalink
    • Johnny's father: "Let me see your report card."

      Johnny: "I don't have it."

      Johnny's father: "Why not?"

      Johnny: "My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents."

      Tags:
      • Father
      • Family
      • School
      • Little Johnny
      00
      Permalink
    • Miss Taylor the English teacher writes an incorrect sentence on the board: "I didn't had no fun for months."

      Then she faces the class and says, "OK class, how should this be corrected?"

      Little Johnny says, "I think you should get yourself a better man!"

      Tags:
      • Teacher
      • Little Johnny
      00
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    • "Haven't I seen your face before?" a judge demanded, looking down at the defendant.

      "You have, Your Honor," the man answered hopefully. "I gave your son violin lessons last winter."

      "Ah, yes," recalled the judge. "Twenty years!"

      Tags:
      • Time
      • Music
      • Jail
      • School
      00
      Permalink
    • What do chemists call a benzene ring with iron atoms replacing the carbon atoms?

      A ferrous wheel.

      Tags:
      • Nerd
      • Nerd
      • Science
      • Chemistry
      00
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    • A boy tells his friend that he has a crush on his teacher.

      The second boy says, 'Man, that is disgusting.'

      The first boy says, 'What?

      Everyone has a crush on their teacher.'

      The second boy says, 'Yeah, but you're home-schooled.'

      Tags:
      • School
      00
      Permalink
    • What deodorant do SEO consultants wear?

      Lynx

      Tags:
      • Technology
      • Work
      • Internet
      • Technology
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    • Programmers: See one warning, fixes warning. Compiles...

      See two errors, fixes errors. Compiles...

      See 83 errors, pitches computer.

      Tags:
      • Technology
      • Work
      • Computer
      • Technology
      00
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    • Koala: What do you mean, I'm not a bear? I have all the koalafications.

      Elephant: Your koalafications are completely irrelephant.

      Lion: Don't listen to him! He's lion!

      Bear: This arguing is becoming unbearable!

      Tags:
      • Animal
      • Elephant
      00
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    • Work emails are like the gym.

      You sign up for it thinking it will be loads of fun.

      You get bored of it within hours.

      You only keep going to keep up your reputation.

      The more you stay away, the harder it is to go back.

      Tags:
      • gym
      • Time
      • Work
      00
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    • A new army computer is put through its paces.

      An officer types in a question, 'How far is it from the barrack gate to the armoury?'

      The computer replies, 'Seven hundred.'

      The officer types, 'Seven hundred what?'

      The computer replies, 'Seven hundred, sir!'

      Tags:
      • Technology
      00
      Permalink
    • Why did the woman get thrown out of the riding stable?

      She wanted to mount the horse her way.

      Tags:
      • Women
      • Animal
      00
      Permalink
    • What happens when you cross a pig with a Democrat?

      Nothing. There are some things a pig won't do.

      Tags:
      • Animal
      • Democrat
      00
      Permalink
    • Most of our music store customers have a story about their old vinyl collection.

      Once, a man asked how much a record cost.

      My coworker quoted him the price, then added, "But there's a surcharge if we have to listen to how your mother made you throw out all your old vinyl records."

      Tags:
      • Money
      • Music
      • Family
      • Customer Service
      00
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    • Teacher: Where are the Great Plains located?

      Tommy: At the great airports!

      Tags:
      • School
      00
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    • The racehorse owner was annoyed with the running of his horse at the race.

      He turned on the jockey.

      "Flaherty, could you not have raced faster?"

      "Sure I could have, but you know we are supposed to stay on the horse."

      Tags:
      • Horse
      • Sport
      00
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    • It was reported this week that Google would soon launch its own cellphone as a challenge to the iPhone.

      Also a challenge to the iPhone?

      Making phone calls.

      Tags:
      • Technology
      • Telephone
      • Technology
      00
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    • How to speak Irish:

      Whale

      Oil

      Beef

      Hooked

      Say them all quickly.

      Tags:
      • Geography
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    • A blonde guy and a brunette girl were happily married and about to have a baby.

      One day, the wife started having contractions, so the husband rushed her to the hospital.

      He held her hand as she went through a trying birth. In the end, there were two little baby boys.

      The blonde guy turned to his wife and angrily said, "All right, who's the other father!?"

      Tags:
      • Blonde
      00
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    • A press release:

      "Yesterday, for the first time a hacker was convicted of network penetration and went to jail to serve a 12 years sentence. According to the data of the central computer of the police, the hacker goes to liberty the day after tomorrow because of expiration of the sentence."

      Tags:
      • Technology
      • Time
      • Jail
      • Computer
      • Internet
      00
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    • A blonde is working as a lifeguard at a swimming pool when a girl begins to drown, screaming "lifesaver! lifesaver!"

      The blonde thinks for a moment, and then asks "cherry or grape?"

      Tags:
      • Blonde
      00
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    • I was looking at the pies offered by a nearby cafe.

      They had cherry, apple, berry, peach, and Herman's.

      "What type of pie is Herman's?" I asked the waiter.

      "Apple," he said.

      "Then why is it called Herman's pie?"

      "Because Herman called in to reserve it."

      Tags:
      • Food
      • Business
      • Customer Service
      00
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    • Where's Spiderman's home page?

      On the world wide web.

      Tags:
      • Internet
      • Technology
      00
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    • A man is in a bar talking to his friend.

      'Last night, while I was out drinking, a burglar broke into my house.'

      'Did he get anything? asks his friend.

      'Yes,' says the man.

      'A broken jaw, six teeth knocked out, and a pair of broken ribs.

      My wife thought it was me coming home drunk.'

      Tags:
      • Alcohol
      00
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    • In the beginning of time, God created the world and then rested.

      Then he created man and rested.

      Then God created woman.

      Since then neither God nor man has rested.

      Tags:
      • God
      • Time
      • Women
      00
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    • "Your Honor, it was an accident! I had to run into the fence to keep from hitting the cow!"

      "Was it a Jersey cow?"

      "I don't know, I didn't see her license plate!"

      Tags:
      • Animal
      • Lawyer
      00
      Permalink
    • Why did the programmer quit his job?

      Because he didn't get arrays.

      Tags:
      • Technology
      • Work
      • Money
      • Programming
      00
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    • What's the difference between a lawyer and an undertaker?

      B: A Lawyer doesn't mind getting his hands dirty while burying his victims.

      Tags:
      • Lawyer
      00
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    • I was at the customer-service desk, returning a pair of jeans that was too tight.

      "Was anything wrong with them?" the clerk asked.

      "Yes," I said. "They hurt my feelings."

      Tags:
      • Fat
      • Customer Service
      00
      Permalink
    • A reporter asked Chris Rock who do you think would win the presidency?

      He said quickly Obama.

      When asked why, he replied, has anyone ran a race with a Kenyan and won?

      Tags:
      • Politics
      00
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    • When a woman on the staff of the school where I worked became engaged, a friend and colleague offered her some advice.

      "The first ten years are the hardest."

      "How long have you been married?" she asked.

      "Ten years", he replied.

      Tags:
      • Time
      • Work
      • Marriage
      00
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    • Jill tells her husband, "Jack, that young couple that just moved in next door seem such a loving twosome.

      Every morning, when he leaves the house, he kisses her goodbye, and every evening when he comes homes, he brings her a dozen roses.

      Now, why can't you do that?"

      "Gosh," Jack says, "why I hardly know the girl."

      Tags:
      • Love
      • Husband
      • Marriage
      00
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    • There once was a fellow from Kent

      Who had such a long instrument.

      To stay out of trouble

      He folded it double.

      And instead of coming he went.

      Tags:
      • Men
      00
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    • Math tells us three of the saddest love stories:

      1)Tangent lines who had one chance to meet and then parted forever.

      2)Parallel lines who were never meant to meet.

      3)Asymptotes who can get closer and closer but will never be together.

      Tags:
      • Math
      00
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    • When Nasa first began sending astronauts into space, they were confronted by a small problem.

      Their standard ballpoint pens would not work in space.

      They spent a decade and twelve million dollars designing a pen that would work below three hundred degrees, in space, and on glass.

      Russia used a pencil.

      Tags:
      • Technology
      00
      Permalink
    • A little boy was learning about God in his church, and he was talking to his mother about it.

      She, not wanting to place prejudice in the little boy's mind, sat him and said: "God is not a man or a woman, and God is not black or white."

      To which the child responded, "Well, then is God Michael Jackson?"

      Tags:
      • God
      • Music
      • Church
      • Children
      00
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    • Private Loyds was brought up before the unit CO for some offence.

      "You can take your choice, private - one month's restriction or twenty day's pay," said the officer.

      "All right, sir," said the bright soldier, "I'll take the money."

      Tags:
      • Money
      • Military
      00
      Permalink
    • What did the Lawyer say to the lesbian?

      One slip of the tongue and you will be in shit!

      Tags:
      • Lawyer
      • Lesbian
      • Disgusting
      00
      Permalink
    • I wake up everyday planning to be productive and then voice in my head says:

      "Haha nice one!"

      and we laugh and laugh and take a nap.

      00
      Permalink
    • What do you get when you mix beans and onions?

      Tear gas.

      Tags:
      • Food
      • Disgusting
      00
      Permalink
    • A husband and a wife sit at the table, having dinner.

      The woman drops a bit of tomato sauce on her white top.

      "Och, I look like a pig!"

      The man nods, "And you dropped tomato sauce on your top!"

      Tags:
      • Food
      • Ugly
      • Wife
      • Husband
      00
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    • It's Halloween and when the man answers his door, there's a well-dressed young boy there wearing a suit and matching tie, who says "Trick or treat".

      The man's a bit confused so he asks the boy what he's dressed up as.

      "I'm an IRS agent", says the boy, and with that, he snatches 40% of the candy, and leaves without saying thank you.

      Tags:
      • Men
      • Children
      • Halloween
      • Accountant
      00
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    • Husband: "Good night mother of my three sons."

      Wife: "Same to you father of none."

      Tags:
      • Father
      • Wife
      • Husband
      • Children
      00
      Permalink
    • A rather obese man is very excited about his new job and wants to start work immediately.

      However, when he sits down at his computer, the only program installed was spreadsheets.

      Confused, the man calls over his boss and asks:"Why there is only excel installed on this computer?"

      His boss replies, "It was the only program in your size!"

      Tags:
      • Technology
      • Fat
      • Work
      00
      Permalink
    • A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead all enter a swim meet.

      The gun goes off, and the brunette quickly captures first, with the redhead coming in second.

      An hour later, the blonde emerges from the pool and complains to the judges that while she was doing the breast stroke, the others were using their arms.

      Tags:
      • Blonde
      00
      Permalink
    • A man went to doctor, "Doctor every night in my dream I am playing soccer."

      Doctor say, "Take these pills, they will help you sleep better."

      The man, "I can't take them, tonight is the final game."

      Tags:
      • Game
      • Doctor
      • Soccer
      • Sport
      00
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    • Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face.

      "Why do you do that, mommy?" he asked.

      "To make myself beautiful," said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue.

      "What's the matter?" asked Little Johnny. "Giving up?"

      Tags:
      • Beauty
      • Little Johnny
      00
      Permalink
    • Miss Jones had been giving her second-grade students a lesson on science.

      She had explained about magnets and showed how they would pick up nails and other bits of iron.

      Now it was question time, and she asked, "My name begins with the letter 'M' and I pick up things.

      What am I?"

      A little boy on the front row proudly said, "You're a mother!"

      Tags:
      • School
      • Science
      00
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    • Two statisticians go bird hunting.

      The first one fires at the bird but overshoots by 5 feet.

      The second one fires and undershoots the bird by 5 feet.

      They both give each other a high-five and say "Got it!"

      Tags:
      • Math
      00
      Permalink
    • What's a blonde's favorite nursery rhyme?

      Humpme Dumpme.

      Tags:
      • Blonde
      00
      Permalink
    • What do computers and air conditions have in common?

      They're both become useless when you open windows.

      Tags:
      • Technology
      • Nerd
      • Computer
      • Technology
      00
      Permalink
    • Why was Tigger's head in the toilet?

      He was looking for pooh!

      Tags:
      • Animal
      00
      Permalink
    • Why did the blonde buy a brown cow?

      To get chocolate milk.

      Tags:
      • Animal
      • Blonde
      • Chocolate
      • Idiot
      00
      Permalink
    • A blonde goes into a music store and asks the guy who works there where the country music CD's are.

      The salesman replies, "Try the other side."

      So the blonde moves to his other ear and says, "Where are the country music CD's?"

      Tags:
      • Blonde
      00
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    • Teacher asks student: What is the half of 8?

      Student: Miss horizontally or vertically?

      Teacher: What do mean?

      Student: Horizontally it is 0 and vertically it is 3.

      Tags:
      • Math
      • Student
      • Teacher
      00
      Permalink
    • What's a shy and retiring accountant?

      An accountant who is half a million shy and that's why he's retiring.

      Tags:
      • Work
      • Money
      • Accountant
      • Old People
      00
      Permalink
    • Husband says: "When I'm gone you'll never find another man like me".

      Wife replied: "What makes you think I'd want another man like you!"

      Tags:
      • Men
      • Wife
      • Husband
      00
      Permalink
    • This little snail bought a little car and took it to the body shop to have it painted.

      The service man asked him exactly what he wanted done, and the snail said he wanted little's s painted all around and all over his car.

      The service man asked him why, and the snail answered "When people see me in my car I want them to say, look at that S-Car-Go!"

      Tags:
      • Car
      • Animal
      00
      Permalink
    • Two deer hunters were not having any luck so they asked for advice from an old-timer.

      "You can just about guarantee a deer if you learn to hunt with dogs," he said.

      The two hunters got a trained deer dog and hit the woods.

      At the end of the day and still empty-handed, one hunter said to the other, "Maybe tomorrow we'll get one if we throw the dog out of a higher treestand."

      Tags:
      • Dog
      • Time
      • Animal
      • Hunting
      00
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    • One day Dan asks Bob, "So Bob what did you get for Christmas?"

      Then Bob says to Dan, "Oh see that brand new red Ferrari outside?"

      Dan says, "OOOOH WOW!"

      Bob says, "Ya, I got the same exact color tie!"

      Tags:
      • Men
      00
      Permalink
    • Cindy asked an old friend to go out for a drink with her after work.

      I don't understand, Cindy complained.

      When people find out I'm a lawyer, they take an instant dislike to me.

      Why would they do that?

      Her friend appeared to think for a moment and then suggested, Maybe it just saves time.

      Tags:
      • Work
      • Lawyer
      00
      Permalink
    • How is a boss better than a wife?

      A boss at least pays you for making your life miserable.

      Tags:
      • Wife
      • Money
      • Manager
      00
      Permalink
    • Golfer: "Think I'm going to drown myself in the lake."

      Caddy: "I don't think you can keep your head down that long."

      Tags:
      • Golf
      • Sport
      00
      Permalink
    • Girlfriend: "I'm sick of you pretending you're a detective. We should split."

      Me: "Good idea. We can cover more ground that way."

      Tags:
      • Work
      • Relationship
      00
      Permalink
    • A blonde girl enters a store that sells curtains.

      She tells the salesman, "I would like to buy a pink curtain in the size of my computer screen."

      The surprised salesman replies, "But, madam, computers do not have curtains."

      And the blonde said, "Helloooo.... I've got Windows!"

      Tags:
      • Technology
      • Computer
      00
      Permalink
    • A policeman stops a lady and asks for her license.

      He says "Lady, it says here that you should be wearing glasses."

      The woman answered "Well, I have contacts."

      The policeman replied "I don't care who you know!

      You're getting a ticket!"

      Tags:
      • Police
      00
      Permalink
    • The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.

      "Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say,

      'There's Jennifer; she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, he's a doctor.'"

      A small voice from the back of the room rang out,

      "And there's the teacher; she's still old, nasty, and wrinkled"

      Tags:
      • Doctor
      • School
      • Teacher
      • Children
      00
      Permalink
    • A man and a woman are lying in bed, watching the ceiling and keep quiet.

      What are they thinking?

      The woman thinks, "He keeps quiet.

      He doesn't want to talk.

      May be he's get tired of me.

      He doesn't love me anymore.

      He's probably got someone else.

      I see.

      We'll have to separate each other."

      The man thinks, "A fly. A fly on the ceiling.

      Wow!

      How keep it there and don't fall?"

      Tags:
      • Men
      • Love
      • Women
      • Animal
      00
      Permalink
    • The art teacher instructed her students to do a self portrait.

      When Andrew handed his picture in, the teacher took one look at it and said, "But, Andrew,this isn't you."

      "That's right," replied Andrew.

      "It's a self portrait of someone else."

      Tags:
      • School
      00
      Permalink
    • The answer to the problem was "log(1+x)".

      A student copied the answer from the student next to him, but didn't want to make it obvious that he was

      cheating, so he changed the answer slightly, to "timber(1+x)."

      Tags:
      • School
      00
      Permalink
    • A mother noticed her little daughter praying.

      "Please, God," the little girl kept saying.

      "Bless my father and my mother and make Melaka the capital city of Malaysia."

      "Why did you make such as strange request?" the mother asked.

      "Because that's what I wrote in my Geography test this morning!"

      Tags:
      • God
      • School
      • Children
      • Geography
      00
      Permalink
    • Johnny: Teacher, would you punish me for something I didn't do?

      Teacher: Of course not.

      Johnny: Good, because I didn't do my homework.

      Tags:
      • School
      00
      Permalink
    • A statistician's wife had twins.

      He was delighted.

      He rang the minister who was also delighted.

      "Bring them to church on Sunday and we'll baptize them," said the minister.

      "No," replied the statistician.

      "Baptize one. We'll keep the other as a control."

      Tags:
      • Math
      00
      Permalink
    • Why was the farmer arrested at the gym?

      He was destroying his calves.

      Tags:
      • gym
      • Animal
      • Fitness
      00
      Permalink
    • What do birds give out on Halloween?

      Tweets!

      Tags:
      • Bird
      • Halloween
      • Technology
      00
      Permalink
    • What do you get if you cross a duck with a firework?

      A firequaker!

      Tags:
      • Bird
      • Duck
      00
      Permalink
    • What do you call a family full of cancer patients?

      Jason Voorhees' relatives.

      Tags:
      • Family
      • Health
      • Medical
      00
      Permalink
    • A cop was interrogating a very intoxicated Irishman, who was also severely bleeding.

      The officer asked, "Can you describe the person who did this to you?"

      The Irishman replied, "That's what I was doing when he hit me."

      Tags:
      • Police
      00
      Permalink
    • How did the pirate become a boxing champion so fast?

      Nobody was ready to take on his right hook.

      Tags:
      • Pirate
      • Sport
      00
      Permalink
    • Recently, I woke up to find that two of my car's tires had been stolen.

      When the police officer arrived, he asked, "When were you last driving the car?"

      "Last night at 11:00," I said.

      "And the tires were on it then?"

      Tags:
      • Car
      • Time
      • Police
      • Driving
      • Idiot
      00
      Permalink
    • What is the difference between a chicken and a turkey?

      Chickens celebrate Thanksgiving!

      Tags:
      • Animal
      • Holiday
      • Thanksgiving
      00
      Permalink
    • Two dyslectic fellas sat in the kitchen...

      Fella 1: "Ere, can you smell gas?"

      Fella 2: "Who me? No... I can't even smell my own name!"

      Tags:
      • Health
      • Idiot
      • Friend
      00
      Permalink
    • Me driving by a Taco Bell.

      Sign: Now Hiring Managers.

      Two weeks later:

      Sign: Now Hiring Managers. Background Checks Required.

      Tags:
      • Food
      • Manager
      00
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    • A man was beaten up by robbers on the road. He lay on the side of the road, half dead.

      A humanist came along, saw him and passed by on the other side.

      A Samaritan came by and also crossed to the other side.

      Finally, a modern Christian came along, looked at the man and said: "Whoever did this to you needs help."

      Tags:
      • Christian
      • Idiot
      00
      Permalink
    • Bertie comes sadly to his mommy and says, "Mom, the kids have been mean to me. They keep teasing me that my feet are too big. Please tell me honestly. Are my feet to big?"

      "Of course not, Bertie. Now go put your shoes in the garage, the dinner is ready."

      Tags:
      • Ugly
      • Children
      00
      Permalink
    • Have you heard about McDonald's new Obama Value Meal?

      Order anything you like and the guy behind you has to pay for it.

      Tags:
      • Food
      • Money
      • Politics
      00
      Permalink
    • Why is Santa always so jolly when he comes to the UK?

      He can claim Gift Relief.

      Tags:
      • Tax
      • Santa
      • Geography
      00
      Permalink
    • Bill Gates and Jim Cannavino from IBM are arguing about the future of 32-bit operating systems.

      They decide to throw a coin.

      Cannavino: "If the number is up, OS/2 will be the new standard, if it's head Windows95 will be the new standard."

      Gates: "Hey, you forgot Windows NT."

      Cannavino: "No, I didn't. If the coin falls on end, Windows NT will be the future."

      Tags:
      • Technology
      • Computer
      • Celebrity
      00
      Permalink
    • Boy: The principal is so dumb!

      Girl: Do you know who I am?

      Boy: No...

      Girl: I am the principal's daughter!

      Boy: Do you know who I am?

      Girl: No...

      Boy: Good! *walks away*

      Tags:
      • School
      00
      Permalink
    • Rita is complaining to her friends about her husband's extreme dedication to his new job.

      You see, Rita's husband has been jobless for quite a while.

      She tells her friends, "I appreciate the fact that at last he's found a new job, but I don't like him taking his work home and finishing it in our bedroom."

      "Why, what's his new job?"

      "He's an embalmer."

      Tags:
      • Work
      • Husband
      00
      Permalink
    • On a beach a man shouts at another man:

      Tell your son not to imitate me.

      A man to his son:

      Son, stop playing the fool.

      00
      Permalink
    • A guy was walking along the street when he saw a crowd of people running towards him.

      He stopped one of the runners and asked, "What's happening?"

      The runner replied breathlessly, "A lion has escaped from the zoo."

      "Oh my, which way is it heading?"

      "Well you don't think we are chasing it, do you?"

      Tags:
      • Animal
      00
      Permalink
    • A guy walks into an auto shop and says, "I'd like a gas cap for my KIA."

      The car mechanic thinks for a few seconds then says, "Ok, that seems like a fair trade."

      Tags:
      • Car
      • Mechanic
      00
      Permalink
    • What do you call a programmer from Finland?

      Nerdic.

      Tags:
      • Technology
      • Nerd
      • Programming
      00
      Permalink
    • You have committed the grave tactical blunder of acquiring enough university credits to graduate.

      So now you're leaving college and embarking on the greatest adventure - and the biggest challenge - of your young lives:

      moving back in with your parents.

      Tags:
      • Family
      • School
      • graduation
      00
      Permalink
    • Judge: "You are sentenced to 2 years of solitary confinement"

      Me: "Thank you."

      Tags:
      • Time
      • Jail
      00
      Permalink
    • A teacher comes to the home of one naughty kid:

      "Is your mom at home?"

      "Nope, she's not here", says the naughty kid, quite scared.

      "And your father?"

      "No, he has hidden away as well..."

      Tags:
      • Father
      • Teacher
      • Children
      00
      Permalink
    • Patient: "I have spent 80% of my life's savings on doctors."

      Doctor: "Why didn't you come to me earlier?"

      Tags:
      • Time
      • Money
      • Doctor
      00
      Permalink
    • Imagine that ur in the forest where there is a tiger in front of you right about to eat you.

      What do you do?

      U stop imagining...

      00
      Permalink
    • A six year old comes crying to his Mother because his little sister pulled his hair.

      "Don't be angry," the Mother says, "Your little sister doesn't realize that pulling hair hurts."

      A short while later, there's more crying, and the Mother goes to investigate.

      This time the sister is bawling and her brother says...

      "Now she knows."

      Tags:
      • Children
      00
      Permalink
    • A blonde's car breaks down.

      A cop pulls up and inquires about the group of naked men standing next to her car.

      The blonde says, "They're my emergency flashers."

      Tags:
      • Blonde
      00
      Permalink
    • Three fans were bemoaning the sorry state of their football team.

      "I blame the general manager," said the first fan. "If he signed better players, we'd be a great team."

      "I blame the players," said the

      second fan. "If they made more of

      an effort, we'd score some points."

      "I blame my parents," said the third. "If I'd been born in Seattle,

      I'd be supporting a decent team."

      Tags:
      • Family
      • Sport
      • Football
      • Geography
      • Manager
      00
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    • The bean soup I'd ordered was mostly water.

      I decided to tell the waitress.

      "This soup is awful," I said.

      "I know," she said. "I don't like bean soup either."

      Tags:
      • Food
      • Customer Service
      00
      Permalink
    • What is an atheist's favorite Christmas movie?

      "Coincidence on 34th Street"

      Tags:
      • Atheist
      • Christmas
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    • A boss took one of his employees to show his new sports car.

      "That is amazing" the employee was fascinated.

      "That is true" replied boss "and if you set your new goals higher and work even harder I can get an even better car next year".

      00
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    • A couple came upon a wishing well.

      The husband leaned over, made a wish and threw in a penny.

      The wife made a wish too, but she leaned over too much, fell into the well, and drowned.

      The husband was stunned for a moment but then smiled, "It really works!"

      Tags:
      • Wife
      • Work
      • Money
      • Husband
      • Marriage
      00
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    • An instructor in chemical warfare asked soldiers in his class: "Anyone knows the formula for water?"

      "Sure. That's easy," said one man.

      "What is it?"

      "H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O."

      "What, what?" asked the instructor.

      "H to O," explained the chemistry expert.

      Tags:
      • Science
      • Military
      • Chemistry
      00
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    • A grandmother is watching her grandchild playing on the beach when a huge wave comes and takes him out to sea.

      She pleads, "Please God, save my only grandson. I beg of you, bring him back."

      And a big wave comes and washes the boy back onto the beach, good as new.

      She looks up to heaven and says: "He had a hat!"

      Tags:
      • God
      • Heaven
      00
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    • What do you call a tooth in a glass of water?

      One molar solution.

      Tags:
      • Nerd
      • Chemistry
      00
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    • One day in class, the teacher told everyone to turn to a blank sheet of paper in their notebooks.

      She noticed that Chip, the dumb jock, was having trouble with her directions.

      "Have you found a blank piece yet, Chip?" said the teacher.

      "Nope. I haven't," said the dumb jock.

      "Somebody went through and drew lines across all of the pages."

      Tags:
      • Blonde
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    • A guy shows up late for work.

      The boss yells "You should have been here at 8:30!"

      he replies: "Why? What happened at 8:30?"

      00
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    • The first of September, first lesson. Teacher:

      "Please sit quietly, if you want to ask something - raise your hand."

      Little Johnny immediately raises his hand.

      "You want to ask something?"

      "No. Just checking how the system works."

      Tags:
      • School
      • Teacher
      • Little Johnny
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    • If the box says:

      "This software requires Windows XP or better"

      Does that mean it'LL run on Linux?

      Tags:
      • Technology
      • Nerd
      • Nerd
      • Computer
      • Technology
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    • Teacher: What happened in 1869?

      Student: Mahatma Gandhi was born.

      Teacher: What happened in 1873?

      Student: Gandhi was four years old

      Tags:
      • Time
      • Student
      • Teacher
      • Children
      00
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    • How did the elephant destroy the database?

      His truncate it.

      Tags:
      • Technology
      • Nerd
      • Elephant
      00
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    • A man called, furious about an Orlando, Florida, vacation package we had booked for him:

      He was expecting an ocean-view hotel room.

      I explained that was not possible since Orlando is in the middle of the state.

      "Don't lie to me," he said. "I looked on the map, and Florida is a very thin state."

      Tags:
      • Holiday
      • Geography
      • Idiot
      • Telephone
      • Customer Service
      00
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    • A woman comes up to me and says, "Hey sexy you lost 185 lbs and now you have money."

      "You wanna be my sugar daddy?"

      "Nope I'm diabetic!"

      Tags:
      • Money
      • Health
      • Idiot
      00
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    • When I graduated from highschool, I was so poor and couldn't afford college.

      So my parents sent me to dog training school.

      I learned a lot when I was there.

      Sit, stay, roll over.

      I haven't quite got the fetching part down.

      They say I'm a little rough around the edges.

      Tags:
      • Money
      • Family
      • School
      • Teacher
      • graduation
      00
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    • A blonde women is sitting in her garage, alone, with a gun to her head.

      She is depressed and finally decides that she just can't live anymore.

      Then, her husband comes home, finds her with the gun and begs her not to do it.

      "Please, honey, don't do it, I'll do anything you want, but please, don't kill yourself!" he pleads.

      "Shut up! your next!" the blonde says.

      Tags:
      • Blonde
      00
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    • Your families are extremely proud of you.

      You can't imagine the sense of relief they are experiencing.

      This would be a most opportune time to ask for money.

      Tags:
      • Time
      • Money
      • Family
      • graduation
      00
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    • Two Russian guys are walking down the street and they find a $100.

      So one says, "Ok, lets buy bread for $1 and the rest we spend on vodka?."

      The other says, "I don't get it, why do we need so much bread?."

      Tags:
      • Food
      • Money
      • Alcohol
      00
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    • John: "Hey can I borrow some money? I'm broke."

      Michael: "Get money from your job."

      John: "I got fired."

      Michael: "Why?"

      John: "My boss told me to leave all my problems behind the door, so I told him to stand outside."

      Michael: "This is why we are friends."

      Tags:
      • Work
      • Money
      • Friend
      • Manager
      00
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    • No!

      You don't have "Bad luck".

      You have low IQ and you make bad decisions.

      Tags:
      • Insulting
      • Idiot
      00
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    • Always remember:

      There is not problem that 6 glasses of wine can't solve.

      Tags:
      • Wine
      • Drunk
      00
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    • Jeremy and Kris walk down the street and see a dog licking himself.

      Jeremy says, "Man, I wish I could do that!"

      Kris replies, "I think you'd have to pet him first."

      Tags:
      • Disgusting
      00
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    • Why is a doctor always calm.

      Because it has a lot of patients.

      Tags:
      • Doctor
      00
      Permalink
    • Where do Snowmen go to dance?

      To snowballs.

      Tags:
      • Winter
      00
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    • "I really don't know girl, but I don't believe in love at first sight!"

      "Why?"

      "Because... How can you tell if the man has a good salary at the first sight?"

      Tags:
      • Love
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    • My 3-year-old granddaughter, Sydney, told my husband, Ted, and me that she was going fishing with her dad.

      Ted asked if she was going to use worms.

      "No," she said. "I'm going to use a fishing pole."

      Tags:
      • Fish
      • Children
      00
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    • Why wasn't the bodybuilder evicted?

      Because he was squatting.

      Tags:
      • Fitness
      00
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    • Thanksgiving Day was approaching, and a family had received a Thanksgiving card with a painting of a pilgrim family on its way to church.

      Grandma showed the card to her small grandchildren, observing, "The pilgrim children liked to go to church with their mothers and fathers."

      "Oh, yeah?" her grandson replied, "So, why is their dad carrying that rifle?"

      Tags:
      • Church
      • Family
      • Thanksgiving
      00
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    • I was walking down the street with my wife earlier when she accused me of being ashamed to be seen with her.

      "That's total bollocks" I replied.

      By text, from across the road.

      Tags:
      • Marriage
      00
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    • You want to come in my life, the door is open.

      You want to get out of my life, the door is open.

      Just one request.

      Don't stand at the door, you're blocking the traffic.

      00
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    • A woman is very overweight and goes to see a weight therapist.

      The woman asks for some good advices.

      The therapist answers like this: "Well you just need to turn your head to the right and to the left when someone asks you if you want to eat at McDonald's."

      Tags:
      • Fat
      • Food
      • Women
      • Doctor
      00
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    • Define "Egghead":

      What Mrs. Dumpty gives to Humpty.

      00
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    • Why did the Energizer cell go to court?

      For charges of battery.

      Tags:
      • Jail
      00
      Permalink
    • What goes black white black white...?

      A penguin rolling down a hill!

      What's black and white and laughing?

      The penguin who pushed him!

      Tags:
      • Animal
      00
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    • A three year old little boy was examining his testicles while he was bathing.

      "Mom", he asked, "is that my brain?"

      "Not yet", she answered.

      Tags:
      • Children
      00
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    • Gilding the lily is a job seeker's birthright.

      Here are a few doozies, where the applicant claimed:

      - to be a former CEO of the company to which he was applying.

      - to be fluent in two languages - one of which was pig Latin.

      - to be a Nobel Prize winner.

      - to have worked in a jail when he was really in there serving time.

      - he was fired "on accident."

      Tags:
      • Work
      • Jail
      • Idiot
      • Manager
      00
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    • First Caribou: What kind of math do owls like?

      Second Caribou: Owlgebra.

      Tags:
      • Math
      • Animal
      00
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    • A cop pulls a guy over:

      Sir, why were you speeding?

      Officer, I wanted to get home quickly, before I became really drunk.

      Tags:
      • Drunk
      • Police
      00
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    • Why do female skydivers wear jock straps?

      So they don't whistle on the way down.

      Tags:
      • Women
      00
      Permalink
    • A turtle is crossing the road when he's mugged by two snails.

      When the police show up, they ask him what happened.

      The shaken turtle replies, "I don't know. It all happened so fast."

      Tags:
      • Animal
      • Police
      00
      Permalink
    • What did one math book say to the other?

      Don't bother me I've got my own problems!

      Tags:
      • Math
      00
      Permalink
    • Little Johnny walks a cow through the village square.

      The mayor sees him and asks, "Hey Johnny, where are you going with the cow?"

      "I'm taking her to the bulls so she would get impregnated," answers Johnny.

      The mayor is shocked, "Surely your father had better be doing that?"

      Little Johnny thinks about it for a bit and shakes his head, "Nah, I think it's really best left with the bulls."

      Tags:
      • Police
      • Little Johnny
      00
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    • The difference between the short and long income tax forms is simple.

      If you use the short form, the government gets your money.

      If you use the long form, the tax advisor gets your money.

      Tags:
      • Money
      00
      Permalink
    • Two shepherds lean on their crooks at the end of a long day and the first asks the second, "So, how's it going?"

      The second one sighed and shook his head, "Not good, I can't pay my bills, my health isn't good, my kids don't respect me, and my wife is leaving me."

      The first replied, "Well, don't lose any sheep over it."

      Tags:
      • Wife
      • Money
      • Animal
      • Health
      00
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    • Who was the best business woman in the Bible?

      Pharaoh's daughter – she drew a profit from the rush at the bank.

      Tags:
      • Bible
      • Money
      • Women
      • Business
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    • Got home from the pub at 3'o clock this morning.

      The wife was waiting at the door with a rolling pin.

      I said to her, "what are you doing..baking..at this time of the night" ?

      Tags:
      • Time
      • Wife
      • Alcohol
      00
      Permalink
    • A kid walks up to his teacher and says "When is lunch."

      The teacher said "When its my break."

      "Your break for what?" the kid asks.

      "My break up" the teacher said.

      Tags:
      • Food
      • Time
      • Teacher
      • Children
      • Relationship
      00
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    • You know what lego set Trump played with as a kid?

      The wall maker set.

      Tags:
      • Game
      • Money
      • Children
      00
      Permalink
    • A Twitter exchange between an angry customer and an apologetic Domino's Pizza:

      Customer: "Yoooo I ordered a Pizza and Came with no Toppings on it or anything, it's Just Bread"

      Domino's: "We're sorry to hear about this!"

      Customer (minutes later): "Never mind, I opened the pizza upside down."

      Tags:
      • Food
      • Time
      • Idiot
      • Technology
      • Customer Service
      00
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    • A man goes to the circus. After the show he speaks to the manager and asks for a job.

      "Alright, what can you do?", the manager asks.

      "I can do great bird impressions", the man replies.

      "Pssh, a lot of people can do that".

      "Oh well", the man says and flies away.

      Tags:
      • Animal
      00
      Permalink
    • What's a good holiday tip?

      Never catch snowflakes with your tongue until all the birds have gone south for the winter.

      Tags:
      • Bird
      • Winter
      • Holiday
      • Disgusting
      00
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    • A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking a round with a fly swatter.

      "What are you doing?" she asked.

      "Hunting flies," He responded.

      "Oh, killing any?" She asked.

      "Yep, three males, two females," he replied.

      Intrigued, she asked, How can you tell?

      He responded, "Three were on a beer can, two were on the phone."

      Tags:
      • Men
      • Beer
      • Women
      • Animal
      • Telephone
      00
      Permalink
    • A Grandmother was checking out her grand-daughters grasp of colours and tested her regularly.

      She would ask her and the grand-daughter would always get the colour right.

      One day as we were heading to the doctors she turned to her Grandma and said "Don't you think it's time you tried to figure some of these out for yourself?"

      Tags:
      • Doctor
      • Old People
      00
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    • What is worst than raining black cats and bloodhounds?

      Hailing taxi cabs!

      Tags:
      • Cat
      • Animal
      00
      Permalink
    • What's in the wardrobe?

      Narnia business.

      Tags:
      • Business
      00
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    • A builder was once building a fence to surround a farmer's sheep.

      The builder finished, and the farmer was ready to pay.

      The builder then came up to the farmer and said: "Sir, I hope this isn't too a-fenc-ive."

      Tags:
      • Work
      • Money
      00
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    • "I spent the whole evening knotsurfing!"

      "Don't you mean netsurfing?"

      "No, everyone was complaining because I tied the computer up for ages!"

      Tags:
      • Time
      • Internet
      • Technology
      00
      Permalink
    • Why don't fat people were turtlenecks?

      Because turtles are now endangered.

      Tags:
      • Fat
      • Insulting
      00
      Permalink
    • What's the difference between an iceberg and a clothes brush?

      One crushes boats and the other brushes coats!

      Tags:
      • Travel
      • Winter
      00
      Permalink
    • Why did the computer go to the dentist?

      Because it had Bluetooth.

      Tags:
      • Technology
      • Nerd
      • Dentist
      • Computer
      00
      Permalink
    • One day in class, the teacher says:

      "Joe, 'I read, you read' what tense is that?"

      "Simple Lost tense!"

      Tags:
      • School
      • Teacher
      00
      Permalink
    • During pre-season training, a college football lineman married one of the team's cheerleaders.

      The coach was a bit surprised and remarked to his star football player, "You are such a big, burley guy.

      Why in the world did you marry such a tiny, petite woman?

      She is no bigger than your hand."

      "That's right, Coach," replied the lineman.

      "But, she's much better!"

      Tags:
      • Sport
      00
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    • Teacher: "Suppose there were a dozen sheep and six of them jumped over a fence.

      How many would be left?"

      Boy: "None."

      Teacher: "None? You don't know your arithmetic!"

      Boy: "Teacher, you don't know your sheep. When one goes, they all go!"

      Tags:
      • School
      00
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    • A doctor told his patient that his test results indicated that she had a rare disease and had only six months to live.

      "That's such a short amount of time, doctor. Isn't there anything I can do?" pleaded the patient.

      "Marry a lawyer," the doctor advised. "It will be the longest six months of your life."

      Tags:
      • Time
      • Doctor
      • Health
      • Lawyer
      • Marriage
      00
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    • One day some soldiers from a nearby Army camp saw a boy leading a donkey.

      They thought they would have some fun with him.

      "Say, boy," called out one of the soldiers.

      "You sure are keeping a tight rein on your brother, aren't you?"

      "Sure am," said the boy.

      "If I didn't he would probably join the Army."

      Tags:
      • Animal
      • Military
      00
      Permalink
    • A teacher asks her students if they're Yankees fans. All of the hands go up except for one student.

      "Okay, Bobby. What team are you a fan of?" "The Red Sox."

      "Why's that?" "Well, my parents are both Red Sox fans, so I'm a Red Sox fan too."

      "That's not a good answer, Bobby.

      If your parents were both morons, would you be a moron too?"

      "No, that would make me a Yankees fan!"

      Tags:
      • Sport
      • Teacher
      00
      Permalink
    • A golfer tried three straight times to hit a golf ball over the inlet of water between him and the green.

      But each time the ball splashes into the drink.

      In utter frustration the golfer said, "Caddie, take my clubs on in, I'm going to jump into the water and drown myself."

      The caddie replied, "I doubt that, sir. You couldn't keep your head down long enough to drown!"

      Tags:
      • Sport
      00
      Permalink
    • What's the difference between a teabag and England?

      The teabag stays in the cup longer!

      Tags:
      • Sport
      00
      Permalink
    • Yo mama's so poor, I was driving with her and she parked next to a garbage can.

      I asked, "What're you doing?"

      She said: "I'm booking us a hotel!"

      Tags:
      • Money
      • Travel
      • Driving
      00
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    • Amazing unbelievable facts

      1. Isaac Newton was alive before he died

      2. It takes 60 seconds to make a minute

      3. Albert Einstein was born on his birthday

      4. Morgan Freeman is called Morgan Freeman because his first name is Morgan and last name is Freeman

      00
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    • Two blondes lock their keys in the car. One of the blondes tries to break into the car while the the other one watches.

      Finally the first blonde says "Darn, I can't get in the car!"

      The other blonde replies, "keep trying, it looks like it is going to rain and the top is down".

      Tags:
      • Car
      • Blonde
      • Weather
      00
      Permalink
    • What is Iraq's national bird ?

      Duck.

      Tags:
      • Military
      00
      Permalink
    • A blonde, brunette, and redhead are all on a building about to jump off.

      They all jump at the same time.

      Which one landed last?

      The blonde because she asked for directions.

      Tags:
      • Blonde
      00
      Permalink
    • Why accountants don't read novels?

      Because the only numbers in them are page numbers.

      Tags:
      • Math
      • Nerd
      • Accountant
      00
      Permalink
    • Patient: "Doctor, I'm starting to forget things."

      Doctor: "I understand."

      Patient: "Understand what?"

      Tags:
      • Doctor
      • Memory
      00
      Permalink
    • A little girl took her report card home and showed it to mom.

      The mother was very disappointed by all the very low grades.

      "Well look on the bright side" said the child, "you know for sure I don't cheat."

      Tags:
      • School
      • Children
      • Idiot
      00
      Permalink
    • Why can't you give Elsa a balloon?

      She will "let it go let it go".

      Tags:
      • Music
      00
      Permalink
    • What's a terrorist's favorite day in November?

      Bomb fire night.

      Tags:
      • Time
      • Holiday
      • terrorist
      00
      Permalink
    • On the first day of the deer hunting season, a hunter fell out of a deer stand and broke both his legs.

      "Why couldn't this happen on my last day of hunting?!" the hunter cried to the doctor.

      "It did," the doctor replied.

      Tags:
      • Time
      • Doctor
      • Hunting
      00
      Permalink
    • My yoga instructor says I need to work on my breathing.

      But I mean, 41 years, still alive.

      I kinda got it.

      Tags:
      • Sport
      00
      Permalink
    • Why do women have arms?

      Have you any idea how long it would take to lick a bathroom clean?

      Tags:
      • Women
      00
      Permalink
    • A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party in a bar.

      When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned: "Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit.

      "And why not, darling?", the father asked.

      You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning."

      Tags:
      • Bar
      • Drunk
      • Children
      00
      Permalink
    • Why do dogs stick their noses in women's crotches?

      Because they can.

      Tags:
      • Animal
      00
      Permalink
    • One day, a guy walks into a pub and orders a beer.

      His friend walks up and sees his red eyes and asks, "Dude, are you okay? You look exhausted".

      He replies,"Yeah, I heard about what happened in your house yesterday too. Tough."

      His friend says, "Yeah, I wish I could trust my wife a little more - wait... How did you know about that?"

      He says,"I was there" and continues chugging his beer.

      Tags:
      • Beer
      • Marriage
      • Friend
      00
      Permalink
    • Why did Hitler hate golf?

      Because he ended up in the bunker.

      Tags:
      • Golf
      • Hipster
      00
      Permalink
    • A father, as he was going home, he saw his daughter on the porch, kissing a guy goodnight.

      Disturbed, he turned to the guy.

      "In our home, young man, we turn of the light at 11 o'clock, sharp!"

      "Oh, Thank you so much Sir! That's so convenient! Thanks!"

      Tags:
      • Father
      • Time
      • Children
      00
      Permalink
    • Man goes to the doctors and says "Doctor, I can't stop my hands from shaking !"

      Doctor replies "Do you drink much ?"

      Man says "no, I spill most of it !"

      Tags:
      • Doctor
      • Alcohol
      00
      Permalink
    • PE Teacher: "Why did you kick that ball straight at the school computer?"

      Pupil: "You told me to put it on the Net."

      Tags:
      • Sport
      • Student
      • Teacher
      • Computer
      • Internet
      00
      Permalink
    • Two blondes are sitting on a bench at the park.

      One says to the other,"Hey, which is farther, California or the moon?"

      The other blonde says,"Well, duh!

      Can you see California?"

      Tags:
      • Blonde
      00
      Permalink
    • What did the dad buffalo say to his son on the first day of school?

      Bison.

      Tags:
      • Animal
      00
      Permalink
    • A cop pulls a guy over for weaving across two lanes of traffic.

      He walks up to the drivers window and asks, "You drinkin'?"

      The driver said, "You buyin'?"

      Tags:
      • Police
      00
      Permalink
    • A French guest, staying in a hotel called room service for some pepper.

      "Black pepper, or white pepper?" asked the concierge.

      "Toilette pepper!" came the reply

      Tags:
      • Food
      00
      Permalink
    • Patient: "May I have a glass of water, doctor."

      Doctor: "Are you thirsty?"

      Patient: "No... I just wanted to check whether my throat leaks."

      Tags:
      • Doctor
      00
      Permalink
    • Librarians may be shy, but their patrons aren't.

      Look at their oddball requests:

      A patron offered me $100 to steal a cactus from somebody's yard.

      A patron wanted me to find a book to teach her dog german.

      A patron on his way to the casino asked to rub my red hair for luck.

      A patron once asked me for my home phone number so she could call me with reference questions when I wasn't at work.

      Tags:
      • Dog
      • Work
      • Money
      • Telephone
      00
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    • This man was talking to a group of men at a bar and he said, "In my house I am the boss, I say when the laundry is done and when the cooking is made and when the dishes are washed."

      One of the guys at the table said, "How long have you been married?"

      The man says, "Oh I'm not married I'm single!"

      Tags:
      • Men
      00
      Permalink
    • A woman goes to a doctor, doctor, I'm tired of life, want to finish my life, what is best to kill myself?

      The doctor says: "Should yourself 5 cm under your breast, you will be dead!"

      2 weeks later, woman back at doctors, what happened?

      I shot myself into my knee.

      Tags:
      • Time
      • Women
      • Doctor
      • Medical
      00
      Permalink
    • What do you get if you cross a bear with a toilet?

      Winnie the Pooh.

      Tags:
      • Animal
      • Disgusting
      00
      Permalink
    • The newest therapy for healing the states of depression is so-called decapitation.

      It costs only 100 dollars but 50 dollars pays the health insurance company.

      The operation will be made only once and you will never feel depressive.

      I had also luck and I also gave an order to this kind of therapy.

      I wish well to myself.

      Tags:
      • Money
      • Health
      00
      Permalink
    • The lawyer's motto:

      a man is not guilty until he demonstrates he is out of money...

      Tags:
      • Money
      • Lawyer
      00
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    • One afternoon I was walking on a trail with my baby daughter, chatting to her about the scenery.

      When a man and his dog approached, I leaned down to the carriage and said, "See the doggy?"

      Suddenly I felt foolish talking to my baby as if she understood me.

      However, just as the man passed, he reached down, patted his dog, and said, "See the baby?"

      Tags:
      • Dog
      • Baby
      • Animal
      00
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    • Marley stopped at the town barbershop for a haircut.

      After thirty-five minutes of snipping and cutting, the barber held a mirror behind Marley's head.

      "How you like it?" asked the barber.

      "Real fine," said the redneck. "But how 'bout making it a little longer in the back?"

      Tags:
      • Time
      • Beauty
      • Redneck
      • Idiot
      00
      Permalink
    • What happened when a blonde missed the Q44 bus?

      She took the Q22 twice.

      Tags:
      • Blonde
      00
      Permalink
    • Two friends were having a discussion about their relatives....

      "I'll never amount to anything in life..", said the one friend. "In fact, my uncle is the town drunk.."

      "Well...that's not too bad.", replied the other, trying to console his friend. "Where does your uncle live..?"

      "New York City..."

      Tags:
      • Drunk
      • Alcohol
      00
      Permalink
    • A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own childhood was like: "We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods."

      The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this in.

      At last she said, "I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!"

      Tags:
      • Old People
      00
      Permalink
    • Doctor (to the patient: "Did I not give you the medicine yesterday? Did you take it?"

      Patient: "Yes, sir. But I did not drink it."

      Doctor: "Why?"

      Patient (Pointing to the bottle): "Because it is written on the label: 'Close the cork tightly and keep it in a cool place.'"

      Tags:
      • Health
      00
      Permalink
    • Doctor (to an absent-minded patient): "What is wrong with you?"

      Patient: "I am losing my memory. Please prescribe some medicine."

      Doctor (Handing him the prescription after a while): "Here, Take this."

      Patient: "Why are you giving me this prescription? I am perfectly all right."

      Tags:
      • Doctor
      • Health
      • Memory
      • Old People
      00
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    • Two cows are standing in a field.

      One says to the other "Are you worried about Mad Cow Disease?"

      The other one says "No, It doesn't worry me, I'm a horse!"

      Tags:
      • Animal
      • Health
      00
      Permalink
    • If Dan Quayle, Bob Packwood and Bill Clinton participated in a spelling contest, who would win?

      Dan Quayle. He's the only one who knows that "harass" is one word.

      Tags:
      • Celebrity
      00
      Permalink
    • Jimmy is calling Sergey, who he met at an international conference.

      Jimmy: "Hi, I've hear there is minus 54 degrees Celsius."

      Sergey: "Nonsense, not even minus 15!"

      Jimmy: "But on CNN, they've just shown a thermometer..."

      Sergey: "Ohh, ok, maybe outside."

      Tags:
      • Work
      • Winter
      • Telephone
      • Technology
      00
      Permalink
    • Who was the most famous pirate octopus?

      Captain Squid.

      Tags:
      • Animal
      • Pirate
      00
      Permalink
    • Why aren't blondes good cattle herders?

      Because they can't even keep two calves together!

      Tags:
      • Blonde
      00
      Permalink
    • A blonde complains to a brunette friend that her Internet is down.

      The brunette friend offers to let the blonde check her e-mail at her house.

      "That's OK," says the blonde.

      "Why don't you check it and forward me what I got?"

      Tags:
      • Blonde
      00
      Permalink
    • What is the name of 007's Eskimo cousin?

      Polar Bond.

      Tags:
      • Winter
      00
      Permalink
    • What game does the brontosaurus like to play with humans?

      Squash.

      Tags:
      • Game
      • Sport
      • Dinosaur
      00
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    • A woman stopped by our customer-service desk and asked me for a copy of the book that has Jesus in it.

      After much back-and-forth, I determined that she wanted the Bible.

      After searching for a particular book on dinosaurs in the science section without luck, a customer looked to me for help.

      She showed me a piece of paper with the title written on it: Thesaurus.

      Tags:
      • Bible
      • Dinosaur
      • Christian
      • Idiot
      • Customer Service
      00
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    • While grocery shopping, a single man comes across toilet brushes.

      "Wow! What a great idea," he thinks to himself and buys three of them.

      Two weeks later, however, he goes back to using toilet paper.

      Tags:
      • Disgusting
      00
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    • Why did a person with an unspayed female cat have to go to court?

      For kitty littering.

      Tags:
      • Cat
      00
      Permalink
    • Two blondes decide to go duck hunting.

      Neither one of them has ever been duck hunting before and after several hours they still haven't bagged any.

      One looks to the other and says, "I just don't understand it, why aren't we getting any ducks?"

      Her friend says, "I keep telling you, I just don't think we're throwing the dog high enough."

      Tags:
      • Blonde
      • Hunting
      00
      Permalink
    • How I see math word problems:

      If you have 4 pencils and 7 apples, how many pancakes will fit on the roof?

      Purple, because aliens don't wear hats.

      Tags:
      • Math
      00
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    • Lady: Is this my train?

      Station Master: No, it belongs to the Railway Company.

      Lady: Don't try to be funny. I mean to ask if I can take this train to New Delhi.

      Station Master: No Madam, I'm afraid it's too heavy.

      Tags:
      • Women
      • Travel
      00
      Permalink
    • Why do goalkeepers spend ages on the Internet?

      Because they can't stop saving their work.

      Tags:
      • Time
      • Work
      • Soccer
      • Sport
      • Internet
      00
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    • A married couple has invoked the ghosts, after 15 minutes of invoking has appeared only the face of the grandmother of the man.

      The married couple has asked the grandmother together: "What would you like to tell us dear granny? "

      The granny has said: "I am looking forward to seeing you soon. Have a nice day!"

      Tags:
      • Time
      • Relationship
      • Marriage
      • Old People
      00
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    • What do you give an elephant with diarrhea?

      Lots of room.

      Tags:
      • Elephant
      • Disgusting
      00
      Permalink
    • At the gym:

      Me: "What does this machine do?"

      "Sir, that's a bench."

      Me: "Perfect."

      Tags:
      • gym
      • Fitness
      • Idiot
      00
      Permalink
    • How do we know Peter was a rich fisherman?

      AA By his net income.

      Tags:
      • Tax
      • Money
      • Christian
      00
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    • A small boy goes up to a man in the street and asks him if he's lost £5.

      The man checks his pockets and says, 'Well, yes.

      I think I have lost a £5 note.

      Have you found one?' The boy replies, 'No.

      I just wanted to see how many people had lost a £5 note today.

      You make 72.'

      Tags:
      • Money
      00
      Permalink
    • Malcolm: Miss Wilson can I go to the loo?

      Miss Wilson: In two minutes Malcolm. Do your alphabet first.

      Malcolm: Ok Miss Wilson. abcdefghijklmnoqrstuvwxyz.

      Miss Wilson: Very good, Malcolm, but where's the p?

      Malcolm: Miss, it's running down my leg!

      Tags:
      • School
      • Disgusting
      00
      Permalink
    • This guy comes back from the toilet, when a women says to him, "Hey, you have left your GARAGE door open!"

      As the man is zipping his fly up, he says with a big smile,"Did you see my big black hummer?"

      The woman replies, "Nope just a MINI COOPER with two flat tires."

      Tags:
      • Women
      00
      Permalink
    • Little Johnny was in his maths lesson one day when his teacher asked him a question to see if he was paying attention.

      "If I gave you 20," she began, "and you gave 5 to Mary, 5 to Sally and 5 to Susan, what would you have?"

      Johnny thought about this and then answered, "An orgy?"

      Tags:
      • Little Johnny
      00
      Permalink
    • A husband and wife are having financial troubles.

      They agree she should walk the streets to pick up some extra cash.

      The husband drops his wife off in the red light area of town, and returns 6 hours later.

      She gets in the car and says, "Look, I made $40.50 !"

      "What jerk gave you 50 cents?" he asks.

      "All of them!"

      Tags:
      • Time
      • Wife
      • Money
      • Husband
      • Marriage
      00
      Permalink
    • What do you call a big pile of kittens?

      A meowntain.

      Tags:
      • Cat
      00
      Permalink
    • One day a black white and Asian got arrested but the cop said if u can say green pink and yellow in a sentence, then u won't go to jail.

      The black didn't know what to say so he went to jail.

      The white said "well white guys are pink....." but the cop said wrong order so he went to jail.

      So the Asian guy said "well the phone go Green green so I pink up the phone and say yellow"

      00
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    • Two neighbors are talking to each other.

      First neighbor: Do you know that my dog is so smart, he waits for the newspaper to drop at the doorstep and then delivers it to me?

      Second neighbor: Of course, I know that very well.

      First neighbor: Really, well then, how?

      Second neighbor: My dog came and told me.

      Tags:
      • Animal
      00
      Permalink
    • A reporter heard Bush and one of his underlings talking in the hallway: "Mr President, how do we know for sure Iraq has weapons of mass destruction?"

      Pres says "You think we're stupid boy?"

      "We made copies of all the receipts!"

      Tags:
      • Politics
      • Idiot
      00
      Permalink
    • "Sorry sir, are these plastic flowers?"

      "As natural!"

      "What? They are natural?"

      "No, plastic!"

      "But, for Christ Sake, sir! Are they natural or plastic?"

      "Natural plastic!"

      Tags:
      • God
      • Women
      00
      Permalink
    • An old seamstress is slowly walking back to her job from lunch, when a flasher jumps out of an alley and opens his coat wide.

      The old woman looks him up and down, shakes her head sadly, and says "You call that a lining?"

      Tags:
      • Work
      • Old People
      00
      Permalink
    • Why do women pierce their bellybutton?

      Place to hang their air freshener.

      Tags:
      • Women
      00
      Permalink
    • Wife: "What are you doing?"

      Husband : Nothing.

      Wife : "Nothing...? You've been reading our marriage

      certificate for an hour."

      Husband : "I was looking for the expiration date."

      Tags:
      • Time
      • Wife
      • Husband
      • Marriage
      00
      Permalink
    • A old woman took a package to the post office to mail and was told it would cost $3.95 for fast delivery or $2.30 for slower service.

      "There is no hurry," she told the clerk, "just so the package is delivered in my lifetime."

      He glanced at her and said, "That will be $3.95, please."

      Tags:
      • Money
      • Old People
      00
      Permalink
    • A new bride was a bit embarrassed to be known as a honeymooner.

      So when she and her husband pulled up to the hotel, she asked him if there was any way that they could make it appear that they had been married a long time.

      He responded, "Sure.

      You carry the suitcases!"

      Tags:
      • Men
      • Husband
      • Marriage
      00
      Permalink
    • About 4,000 years ago:

      God: "I shall create a great plague and every living thing on Earth will die!"

      Fish: *Winks at God and slips him a $20 note*

      God: "Correction, I shall create a great flood!"

      Tags:
      • God
      • Fish
      • Money
      00
      Permalink
    • A real man would never cry in public unless:

      He watched a movie in which a heroic dog dies to save his master.

      Or if Heidi klum unbuckled her shirt.

      Or if he accidentally dropped crates full of beer.

      Tags:
      • Dog
      • Men
      • Beer
      • Celebrity
      00
      Permalink
    • Two blondes are standing on top of the Empire State Building.

      How can you tell which one is the true blonde and which one is the bleached blonde?

      The bleached blonde isn't throwing bread crumbs at the helicopters!

      Tags:
      • Blonde
      00
      Permalink
    • A blonde was driving across several states to go visit her family. She was five hours late and her family was getting worried.

      When she finally got there she explained that she had seen 10 signs that said "CLEAN RESTROOMS AHEAD..."

      Tags:
      • Blonde
      00
      Permalink
    • A little boy was taken to the dentist.

      It was discovered that he had a cavity that would have to be filled.

      "Now, young man," asked the dentist, "what kind of filling would you like for that tooth?"

      "Chocolate, please," replied the youngster.

      Tags:
      • Dentist
      • Children
      • Chocolate
      00
      Permalink
    • Women are like computer virus...

      they ENTER your life...

      SEARCH your pocket...

      SHIFT your balance ...

      CONTROL your life...

      when you become an old version DELETE you from the system

      Tags:
      • Technology
      • Money
      • Women
      • Computer
      00
      Permalink
    • The science teacher lecturing his class in biology said, "Now I'll show you this frog in my pocket."

      He then reached into his pocket and pulled out a chicken sandwich.

      He looked puzzled for a second, thought deeply, and said, "That's funny. I distinctly remember eating my lunch."

      Tags:
      • School
      00
      Permalink
    • "What happened to your girlfriend, that really cute math student?"

      "She no longer is my girlfriend. I caught her cheating on me."

      "I don't believe that she cheated on you!"

      "Well, a couple of nights ago I called her on the phone, and she told me that she was in bed wrestling with three unknowns..."

      Tags:
      • Math
      • Student
      • Telephone
      • Relationship
      00
      Permalink
    • A man is sitting in a bar when a beautiful woman walks up and whispers in his ear, "I'll do anything you want for 50 bucks."

      He puts his drink down and starts going through his pockets.

      He pulls out a ten, two five's, a twenty and ten ones.

      He thrusts the wadded up money into the woman's hand and says, "Here...paint my house."

      Tags:
      • Bar
      • Money
      • Women
      • Alcohol
      00
      Permalink
    • Teaching an English lesson, the teacher wrote on the board, fully aware of the grammar errors:

      "I ain't had no fun in months"

      "Now, how should I correct this sentence."

      "Get a new boyfriend," said Little Johnny.

      Tags:
      • Little Johnny
      00
      Permalink
    • Dad: "I heard you missed school yesterday."

      Little Johnny: "Not a bit."

      Tags:
      • School
      • Little Johnny
      00
      Permalink
    • What happens when spectroscopists are idle?

      They turn from notating nuclear spins to notating unclear puns.

      Tags:
      • Nerd
      • Chemistry
      00
      Permalink
    • Warning!

      User Error.

      Kindly replace user and press a key to continue.

      Tags:
      • Technology
      • Nerd
      • Technology
      00
      Permalink
    • It was the standard series of check-in questions that every traveler gets at the airlines counter, including, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?"

      "If it was put there without my knowledge," I asked, "how would I know?"

      The agent behind the counter smiled smugly. "That's why we ask."

      Tags:
      • Travel
      • Customer Service
      00
      Permalink
    • What do pirates wear in the winter?

      Long Johns!

      Tags:
      • Pirate
      • Winter
      00
      Permalink
    • Look over there! Said the frightened skunk to his pal.

      "There's a human with a gun, and he's getting closer and closer! What are we going to do?"

      To which the second skink calmly replied, "Let us spray ."

      Tags:
      • Animal
      00
      Permalink
    • Why did the bodybuilder buy tape from the hardware store?

      Somebody told him he was ripped!

      Tags:
      • Technology
      • Fitness
      00
      Permalink
    • Paddy got a job as a road line-painter.

      He paints 5 miles on the first day, 2 miles on the second day and 1 on the third day.

      "You get worse and worse every day!" yelled his boss.

      "That is because the bucket gets further and further away every day." said Paddy.

      00
      Permalink
    • Girl: We have a mayor. Do you?

      Horse: Sure!

      Girl: What do you call it?

      Horse: Same as you do. Mare!

      Tags:
      • Animal
      00
      Permalink
    • What a woman says...

      This place is a mess! C'mon!

      You and I need to clean up!

      Your stuff is lying on the floor and

      You'll have no clothes to wear if we

      don't do laundry right now!

      What a man hears...

      blah blah blah blah blah C'MON!

      YOU AND I blah blah blah blah!

      blah blah blah blah ON THE FLOOR blah

      blah blah NO CLOTHES blah blah blah blah

      blah blah blah RIGHT NOW!

      Tags:
      • Women
      • Alcohol
      00
      Permalink
    • The email server is unable to verify your server connection.

      Your message has not been delivered.

      Please restart your computer and try sending again.

      Tags:
      • Work
      • Computer
      • Technology
      00
      Permalink
    • A lady opened her refrigerator and saw a rabbit sitting on one of the shelves, "What are you doing in there?" she asked.

      The rabbit replied, "This is a Westinghouse, isn't it?" The lady confirmed,

      "Yes."

      "Well," the rabbit said, "I'm westing."

      Tags:
      • Animal
      00
      Permalink
    • Why was the Easter Bunny so upset?

      He was having a bad hare day!

      Tags:
      • Animal
      • Easter
      00
      Permalink
    • In the beginning, God created Earth and then rested.

      After that, He created man and rested.

      Then God created woman.

      Since then, neither God nor man got ever rested.

      Tags:
      • God
      • Men
      • Women
      00
      Permalink
    • A worker goes to his boss and says, 'You have to give me a raise.

      There are three other companies after me.'

      'Is that so?' says the manager.

      'And what companies are those?'

      The worker replies, 'The electric company, the telephone company, and the gas company.'

      Tags:
      • Money
      00
      Permalink
    • A guy rings his boss and says "I can't come to work today"

      The boss asks why and the guy says "it's my eyes."

      "What's wrong with your eyes?" asks the boss.

      "I just can't see myself coming to work, so I'm going fishing instead..."

      Tags:
      • Animal
      00
      Permalink
    • There is a $100 bill sitting in the middle of a 4 way intersection, at one side there is a man hating dike, at another side, there is Santa, at another side there is the Easter Bunny, and at the las side there is a man loving lesbian. Who gets the $100 bill?

      The man hating dike because all others are a figure of your imagination.

      Tags:
      • Men
      • Money
      • Santa
      • Easter
      00
      Permalink
    • The woman comes with her husband to the psychiatrist and tells the psychiatrist:

      "Please, do something with my man, because he thinks of himself that he is a horse."

      The psychiatrist says: "Oh, it will be a long and expensive therapy."

      The woman: "Ok, don't worry, we can enough money because my husband has already won three times the horse racings."

      Tags:
      • Horse
      • Money
      • Doctor
      • Marriage
      00
      Permalink
    • Caitlin Jenner and her chauffer were parked on a highway.

      When a policeman pulled up and asked "What's going on?"

      The driver said "I blew my tranny."

      The cop didn't know if he should arrest them for indecent exposure or call AAA.

      Tags:
      • Car
      • Police
      • Travel
      00
      Permalink
    • What is a blondes' reaction to hearing "drinks are on the house".

      Where's the stairs.

      Tags:
      • Blonde
      • Alcohol
      00
      Permalink
    • Why did the blonde go to the dentist?

      Someone dented her car.

      Tags:
      • Car
      • Blonde
      • Dentist
      • Idiot
      00
      Permalink
    • A nice lady in a short skirt walks up to a police man on the street and says, "I have a problem."

      The police man asked her what it is, she points to a man across the street and says, "See that man?"

      The police man replies, "Yes, is he watching you?"

      She replies, " NO!, that is the problem!"

      Tags:
      • Women
      • Police
      00
      Permalink
    • Why do women wear black underwear?

      They are mourning for the stiff they buried the night before.

      Tags:
      • Women
      00
      Permalink
    • Little Johnny: "Dad, Is it true?

      I heard that in some countries where arranged marriage is a custom, a man doesn't know his wife until he marries!"

      Father: "Son, that happens everywhere, after marriage you find out everything!"

      Tags:
      • Father
      • Marriage
      • Little Johnny
      00
      Permalink
    • Why do some women look at blank paper?

      They like to read their rights.

      Tags:
      • Women
      00
      Permalink
    • Why do you rarely find mathematicians spending time at the beach?

      Because they can divide sin and cosine to get a tan!

      Tags:
      • Math
      00
      Permalink
    • First Kangaroo: How do you tell the difference between an elephant and a rhinoceros?

      Second Kangaroo: The elephant has a better memory.

      Tags:
      • Animal
      • Memory
      • Elephant
      00
      Permalink
    • One day a miserable toothbrush sits down and says, "Sometimes I feel I have the worst job in the world."

      Then the toilet paper yells, "Think again buddy!"

      Tags:
      • Work
      • Disgusting
      00
      Permalink
    • What do you get when you put Raggedy Ann and the Pillsbury Doughboy together?

      A redhead with a yeast infection.

      Tags:
      • Redhead
      • Disgusting
      00
      Permalink
    • Two skunks were being chased by a bear.

      As the bear got closer, one of the skunks said "Whatever shall we do?"

      "Let us spray!" replied the other.

      Tags:
      • Animal
      00
      Permalink
    • What do you call a man who has lost 98% of his brain?

      A widower.

      Tags:
      • Men
      00
      Permalink
    • What do you call a naked deer?

      Buck naked!

      Tags:
      • Animal
      00
      Permalink
    • Ignorance can be educated.

      Crazy can be medicated.

      But there is no cure for stupidity...

      00
      Permalink
    • During her company's periodic password audit, a blonde employee was found to be using this password:

      GoofyHueyLouieDeweyDaisyDonaldMickeyMinniePhoenix

      When she was asked why she had such a long password, she said,

      "The boss said that my password had to be at least eight characters long and have at least one capital."

      Tags:
      • Blonde
      00
      Permalink
    • What did one magnet say to the other?

      I find you very attractive.

      Tags:
      • Nerd
      • Science
      00
      Permalink
    • "Does she have a boyfriend?"

      "Yes, a cute, strong and clever one."

      "What's the name?"

      "John, Michael and Bill."

      Tags:
      • Women
      • Relationship
      00
      Permalink
    • Sperm 1: How much longer tell we get to the egg?

      Sperm 2: We've still got a long way to go. We're only half way down the esophagus.

      Tags:
      • Disgusting
      00
      Permalink
    • Why was the mole of oxygen molecules excited when he walked out of the singles bar?

      He got Avogadro's number!

      Tags:
      • Bar
      • Nerd
      • Chemistry
      00
      Permalink
    • A woman goes into a sporting goods store to buy a rifle. "It's for my husband," she tells the clerk.

      "Did he tell you what gauge to get?" asked the clerk.

      "Are you kidding?" she says.

      "He doesn't even know that I'm going to shoot him!"

      Tags:
      • Sport
      00
      Permalink
    • A husband asks his very ill wife at the hospital:

      Tell me what is your last wish?

      Nothing more, I just want to check my status on Facebook.

      Tags:
      • Wife
      • Health
      • Facebook
      • Hospital
      00
      Permalink
    • How do you make seven an even number?

      Take the s out!

      Tags:
      • Math
      00
      Permalink
    • Mary Lou, the blonde, was out playing in the garden one day with three boys.

      They ran around in the garden and played tag.

      She later climbed the tree that was in her garden.

      Her mother yelled out, "Mary Lou get down out of the tree, the boys are going to see your panties."

      She laughed and she laughed.

      She knew she wasn't wearing any panties.

      Tags:
      • Blonde
      00
      Permalink
    • Did you hear about the redneck who was shooting craps?

      He blew a hole in the toilet.

      Tags:
      • Redneck
      • Disgusting
      00
      Permalink
    • A blonde, a redhead and a brunette look through a dictionary for the hardest words they know.

      The brunette's word is "quizzical."

      The redhead's word is "sardonic."

      The blonde's word is "dick."

      Tags:
      • Blonde
      00
      Permalink
    • When we moved to the US I was 8 years old.

      I remember asking my father if I can have an allowance?

      When he asked me what that was, I said you're allowed to give me money.

      Tags:
      • Money
      • Family
      • Geography
      00
      Permalink
    • What do you call 15 blondes in a circle?

      A dope ring.

      Tags:
      • Blonde
      • Idiot
      00
      Permalink
    • A blonde goes to the doctor with both of her ears and her right hand are burned.

      "Sit down and tell me how it happened," says the doctor.

      "I was ironing my clothes when I received a call. Instead of picking up the phone, I picked up the iron and burned my ear."

      "What about the other ear and your hand?"

      "I tried to call for an ambulance."

      Tags:
      • Blonde
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    • Two blondes are nailing in roof tiles.

      One of them is pulling nails from his jar and if they face him, he throws them away.

      The other blonde asks what he's doing.

      "Duh. I'm throwing away the defective ones."

      "No, stupid! Those are for the other side of the roof."

      Tags:
      • Blonde
      00
      Permalink
    • There were only two people in line ahead of me at the electronics store, yet the wait was dragging on forever.

      Finally, the customer behind me muttered, "Mr. Hare must be on vacation."

      Only then did I notice the name tag on the man at the register. It read: "Mr. Turtle, sales associate."

      Tags:
      • Time
      • Holiday
      • Customer Service
      00
      Permalink
    • Why didn't the dentist ask his secretary out?

      He was already taking out a tooth.

      Tags:
      • Work
      • Dating
      • Dentist
      00
      Permalink
    • A businessman is invited for an audience with the Pope but finds it clashes with a meeting he has with Bill Gates.

      The businessman asks his secretary which appointment he should go to.

      'Definitely the Pope,' replies the secretary.

      'He'll only expect you to kiss his hand.'

      Tags:
      • Technology
      00
      Permalink
    • The secret of enjoying a good bottle of wine:

      1. Open the bottle to allow it to breathe.

      2. If it doesn't look like it's breathing, give it mouth-to-mouth.

      Tags:
      • Wine
      • Drunk
      • Alcohol
      00
      Permalink
    • What is the difference between Tiger Woods and Santa Claus?

      Santa stops after three hos.

      Tags:
      • Sport
      00
      Permalink
    • On the morning a cop walks into a bar and sees his wife with two of his best friends.

      He takes a sit on the table behind them to eavesdrop then his wife says "let's have him kidnapped."

      A poor guy heartbroken pulls out a gun and shoots them all and runs back to his house to grab some cash and clothe to escape.

      When he finally reached his house and opens the door everyone yells happy birthday!

      Tags:
      • Bar
      • Police
      • Birthday
      • Friend
      00
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    • A farmer brought his daughter a little pot-belly pet pig.

      She called it "Stinky" when she played with it out in the yard, but she called it "Ballpoint" when it was in the sty.

      "Tell me," asked her father, "Why do you have two names for your pig?"

      "That's easy," she replied, "Ballpoint is just his pen name."

      Tags:
      • Animal
      • Children
      00
      Permalink
    • What did the basketball say to the player?

      Please don't shoot me.

      Tags:
      • Sport
      00
      Permalink
    • Two old people flirt at a seniors' singles bar.

      After a few drinks, the old man asks the old woman, "If I took you out for a full night of wining, dining and dancing, what would you wear?"

      The old woman replies shyly, "Depends..."

      "Depends on what?" he asks.

      "On my bottom - where else?!"

      Tags:
      • Relationship
      • Marriage
      • Old People
      00
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    • It doesn't matter if you win by an inch or a mile. Winning's winning.

      (The Fast and The Furious)

      It doesn't matter if you pass the semester by getting 40% or 95%.

      Passing's passing.

      Tags:
      • School
      00
      Permalink
    • Mum,can I dress a bra?

      No.

      Why not.I am 14 years old!

      How many times I will say you "no", Michael...

      Tags:
      • Children
      00
      Permalink
    • Do you already know the latest stats joke?

      Probably...

      Tags:
      • Math
      00
      Permalink
    • Only 3 things that are infinite

      1.Human Stupidity

      2.Universe

      3.WinRar Trial

      Tags:
      • Technology
      • Idiot
      00
      Permalink
    • While my brother-in-law was tapping away on his home computer, his ten-year-old daughter sneaked up behind him.

      Then she turned and ran into the kitchen, squealing to the rest of the family: "I know Daddy's password! I know Daddy's password!"

      "What is it?" her sisters asked eagerly.

      Proudly she replied: "Asterisk, asterisk, asterisk, asterisk!"

      Tags:
      • Technology
      • Father
      • Family
      • Computer
      00
      Permalink
    • What kind of music do elves like best?

      "Wrap" music!

      Tags:
      • Elf
      • Music
      00
      Permalink
    • A tourist asks a man in uniform, "Are you a policeman?"

      "No, I am an undercover detective."

      "So why are you in uniform?"

      "Today is my day off."

      Tags:
      • Police
      00
      Permalink
    • Did you hear that the White House isn't displaying it's Nativity scene this year?

      They couldn't find the three wise men!

      Tags:
      • Politics
      • Insulting
      • Idiot
      • Republican
      00
      Permalink
    • A male driver gets stopped by police, and is asked: "Have you been drinking?"

      The man replies: "Okay, yes, I have... how did you know officer? Was I swerving across the road, or speeding?"

      "No sir," replied the policeman, "...nothing else can explain that fat ugly woman sitting next to you."

      Tags:
      • Alcohol
      00
      Permalink
    • Why didn't the toilet paper cross the road?

      Cause it got stuck in a crack.

      00
      Permalink
    • It was graduation day and Mom was trying to take a picture of their son in a cap and gown, posed with his father.

      "Let's try to make this look natural" she said. "Junior, put your arm around your dad's shoulder."

      The father answered, "If you want it to look natural, why not have him put his hand in my pocket?"

      Tags:
      • Father
      • Children
      • graduation
      00
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    • Why did the blonde keep a picture of herself in her room?

      So she could use it as a mirror.

      Tags:
      • Blonde
      00
      Permalink
    • A man walked into the doctor's office and said: "Doc, I've eaten something that disagrees with me."

      A voice from his stomach replies: "No you haven't."

      Tags:
      • Men
      • Doctor
      00
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    • A hubby is having a short conversation with his wife.

      See dear, if you got home early from work one day and you found me pounding on another woman, this would be called an awkward situation!

      So its the same honey, if you came home early from work and found me in bed with another man?

      No darling, you are now confused and mixing the awkward situation with proper beating!

      Tags:
      • Men
      00
      Permalink
    • Taking his seat in his chambers, the judge faces the opposing lawyers.

      'Both of you have given me a bribe,' he says.

      'You, Tom, gave me £15,000.

      And you, Harry, gave me £10,000.'

      The judge reaches into his pocket, pulls out a cheque, and hands it to Tom.

      'I'm returning £5,000, and we'll now decide this case solely on its merits.'

      Tags:
      • Lawyer
      00
      Permalink
    • Moody was awakened by the telephone at four A.M.

      It was his Ku Klux Klan buddy, Crumm, calling long distance from Montgomery.

      "What's the matter?" asked Moody.

      "Are you in trouble?"

      "No!" said Crumm.

      "What do you want, then?"

      "Nothing!"

      "Then how come you are calling me in the middle of the night?" asked Moody.

      "Cause!" said the other redneck, "the rates are cheaper!"

      Tags:
      • Money
      • Redneck
      • Telephone
      00
      Permalink
    • How do you know when there is a snowman in your bed?

      You wake up wet!

      Tags:
      • Winter
      • Disgusting
      00
      Permalink
    • What is a turkey's favorite dessert?

      Peach gobbler.

      Tags:
      • Animal
      • Geography
      • Thanksgiving
      00
      Permalink
    • What do you get if you cross a fridge and a hipster playlist?

      Cool music!

      Tags:
      • Music
      • Hipster
      00
      Permalink
    • An old lady was considering buying a squirrel fur coat.

      "But will it be all right in the rain?" she asked anxiously.

      "Oh certainly, ma am," said the manager smoothly.

      "After all, you've never seen a squirrel with an umbrella have you?"

      Tags:
      • Animal
      • Weather
      00
      Permalink
    • Los Angeles Homeless...

      Homeless people here are different.

      You ever notice that?

      Our homeless people are serious, man.

      They have signs that not only say, "Will work for food," some of them have what they want: "Baked potato, salad, shrimp, sweet potato pie, sour chives."

      Tags:
      • Food
      • Work
      00
      Permalink
    • Do you know why women over fifty don't have babies?

      They would put them down somewhere and forget where they left them.

      Tags:
      • Baby
      • Women
      • Memory
      00
      Permalink
    • What did the Arctic wolf ask in the restaurant?

      "Are these lemmings fresh off the tundra?"

      Tags:
      • Dog
      • Food
      • Winter
      00
      Permalink
    • There was once a puppy called May who loved to pick quarrels with animals who were bigger than she was.

      One day she argued with a lion.

      The next day was the first of June.

      Why?

      Because that was the end of May!

      Tags:
      • Love
      • Time
      • Animal
      00
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    • Overheard in a restaurant:

      She: "This wine is described as full bodied and imposing with a nutty base, a sharp bite, and a bitter aftertaste."

      He: "Are you describing the wine or your mother?"

      Tags:
      • Wine
      • Alcohol
      • mother in law
      00
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    • Two girl sprinters are training for the 100 metres race.

      One says to the other: "You won't believe this, but I've just run 100 metres in 10 seconds."

      The other says: "But that's impossible, that's the world record."

      So the other says: "Ah hah, but I took a short cut."

      Tags:
      • Time
      • Athlete
      00
      Permalink
    • Bill and Earl are out playing golf.

      They get to the 17th tee, which overlooks a small lake, and see two guys out on the lake fishing.

      Bill says, "Hey Earl check out these two idiots fishing' in the rain!"

      Tags:
      • Fish
      • Golf
      00
      Permalink
    • It was at an amusement park on a brutally hot day when I saw a father with 2 kids.

      "Who's enjoying the most?" I asked cheerfully.

      "I am" said one.

      "I am" said the second.

      "No," the father said "their mother is!"

      Tags:
      • Children
      00
      Permalink
    • A married couple go to a restaurant.

      A blonde waitress takes their order and returns several minutes later, carrying a plate with only a plain hamburger bun on it.

      The man asks, "Where's the burger?"

      The waitress lifts her arm and pulls out a burger from her armpit.

      "I was keeping it warm," she replies.

      The wife says, "Please cancel my hot dog order."

      Tags:
      • Dog
      • Food
      • Blonde
      • Marriage
      • Disgusting
      00
      Permalink
    • A man walks into a bar and asks for a glass of water.

      The bartender pulls out a shotgun and fires a shot, barely missing the man's head.

      The man gets up, says thank you, and leaves a tip.

      Why the tip and thank you, "because the man had the hiccups."

      Tags:
      • Bar
      • Alcohol
      00
      Permalink
    • Four high school boys afflicted with spring fever skipped morning classes.

      After lunch they reported to the teacher that they had a flat tire.

      Much to their relief she smiled and said, "Well, you missed a test today so take seats apart from one another and take out a piece of paper."

      Still smiling, she waited for them to sit down.

      Then she said, "First Question was which tire was flat?"

      Tags:
      • Car
      • School
      • Teacher
      00
      Permalink
    • Why did the blonde take more than one pregnancy test?

      Because she slept with more than one guy.

      Tags:
      • Blonde
      00
      Permalink
    • How do you know that Democrats are a diverse people?

      Because they keep count of how many people they know in each racial or ethnic category.

      Tags:
      • Democrat
      • Politics
      00
      Permalink
    • A salesmen rang a house doorbell and it was answered by a kid wearing a top hat, a purple cape, smoking a cigar and drinking a glass of white wine.

      The salesmen asked: "Are your parents home?"

      The kid replied: "What does it look like?"

      Tags:
      • Alcohol
      • Children
      00
      Permalink
    • What's grosser than gross?

      Two vampires fighting over a used tampon.

      Tags:
      • Disgusting
      00
      Permalink
    • Why was the blonde jogging backwards?

      She wanted to gain weight!

      Tags:
      • Fat
      • Blonde
      • Athlete
      • Idiot
      00
      Permalink
    • It gives me a solution to this whole inner city gang problem that we seem to be having.

      I just got to get some people behind me, right?

      I think we need about 20 or 25 grandmothers, give them all belts and do one big drive-by whupping on these kids.

      Tags:
      • Police
      • Children
      00
      Permalink
    • After watching the grades of his child, the angry father said, "After seeing your grades, I feel like teaching a lesson or two and want to give a tight slap."

      The child excitedly says, "Yes dad, lets go, I know the addresses of all my teachers, we must teach them a lesson."

      Tags:
      • Father
      • Children
      00
      Permalink
    • Birdie, birdie in the sky

      Dropped some white stuff in my eye,

      I'm a big girl I won't cry,

      I'm just glad that cows don't fly.

      Tags:
      • Bird
      • Animal
      • Poetry
      • Disgusting
      00
      Permalink
    • Little Johnny comes home from his first day of school.

      His mother asks, "What did you learn in school today?"

      Little Johnny replies, "Not much. They want me back tomorrow."

      Tags:
      • School
      • Little Johnny
      00
      Permalink
    • Why do we paint Easter eggs?

      Because it's easier than trying to wallpaper them!

      Tags:
      • Easter
      00
      Permalink
    • After browsing the restaurant menu, I had a question for the waitress.

      "About the salmon entree, is that a steak or a fillet?"

      "Neither," she said. "It's a fish."

      Tags:
      • Fish
      • Food
      • Customer Service
      00
      Permalink
    • An old couple is on a walk, when a pigeon flies by and relieves himself on the woman's head.

      "Yech!" says the woman. "Get some toilet paper."

      "What for? He must be half-a-mile away by now."

      Tags:
      • Animal
      • Relationship
      • Disgusting
      • Old People
      00
      Permalink
    • Why don't women wear watches?

      There's a clock on the stove!

      Tags:
      • Time
      • Women
      00
      Permalink
    • A man goes to the doctor. "Doctor, that medicine you gave me isn't working. Is there anything else I could try?".

      "Fill out this tax form," suggests the doctor.

      "How's that going to help me?", asks the man.

      "I'm not sure," replies the doctor, "but some of my patients say it gives them relief."

      Tags:
      • Tax
      • Doctor
      • Medical
      00
      Permalink
    • What does Saddam want for Thanksgiving ?

      Turkey.

      Tags:
      • terrorist
      • Thanksgiving
      00
      Permalink
    • A man calls a lawyer's office.

      A voice answers, 'Schwartz, Schwartz, Schwartz and Schwartz.'

      The man says, 'Let me talk to Mr Schwartz.'

      'I'm sorry, he's on vacation.'

      'Then let me talk to Mr Schwartz.'

      'He's on a big case, not available for a week.'

      'Then let me talk to Mr Schwartz.'

      'He's playing golf today.'

      'Okay, then, let me talk to Mr Schwartz.' 'Speaking.'

      Tags:
      • Lawyer
      00
      Permalink
    • Why do pandas like old movies?

      Because they are black and white.

      Tags:
      • Animal
      00
      Permalink
    • All employees are encouraged to stay with relatives and friends while on business travel.

      If weather permits, public areas such as parks should be used as temporary lodging sites.

      Bus terminals, train stations, and office lobbies may provide shelter in periods of inclement weather.

      Tags:
      • Work
      • Travel
      • Weather
      00
      Permalink
    • A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn't find one big enough for her family.

      She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"

      The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."

      Tags:
      • Animal
      00
      Permalink
    • A man runs over a cat.

      The cat's address is on its collar so the man goes to apologise to the owner.

      He knocks on the door and a little old lady answers.

      The man says, 'I'm so sorry.

      I've just run over your cat.

      Can I replace it?'

      'I don't know,' replies the old lady.

      'How are you at catching mice?'

      Tags:
      • Animal
      00
      Permalink
    • What do lipstick and mascara do when they get in a fight?

      They make up.

      Tags:
      • Beauty
      00
      Permalink
    • I'm busy.

      You're ugly.

      Have a nice day.

      Tags:
      • Men
      00
      Permalink
    • What did the constipated mathematician do?

      He worked it out with a pencil!

      Tags:
      • Math
      • Work
      00
      Permalink
    • How many Democrats does it take to clean up a disastrous Bush presidency?

      At least two!

      Tags:
      • Democrat
      • Politics
      • Republican
      00
      Permalink
    • Doctor to woman: "What is the matter about your husband?"

      Woman: "He is worrying about MONEY."

      Doctor: "I think I can relieve him of that."

      Tags:
      • Money
      • Doctor
      • Husband
      00
      Permalink
    • What is a French cat's favorite dessert?

      Chocolate mousse.

      Tags:
      • Cat
      • Chocolate
      • Geography
      00
      Permalink
    • Mike, to a blonde at the bar: "It's rude to interrupt a man when he's talking to his wife."

      Sara: "Wife?"

      Mike: "I'm working on it."

      Sara: "You're awful sure of yourself."

      Mike: "You too."

      Tags:
      • Bar
      • Wife
      • Blonde
      00
      Permalink
    • At a Whitehouse party for past presidents.

      Michelle Obama caught Barron Trump making faces at Sasha.

      Michelle walked over to reprimand the child and said, "Barron, when I was a little girl, I was told if that I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that."

      Baron looked up and replied, "Well, Ms. Obama, you can't say you weren't warned."

      Tags:
      • Ugly
      • Women
      • Children
      • Politics
      00
      Permalink
    • Some American academics were discussing the Six Day War with an Israeli general and were eager to know how it had ended so quickly.

      The general told them, "We had a crack regiment at the most sensitive front. It was made entirely of lawyers and accountants. When the time came to charge - boy, did they know how to charge!"

      Tags:
      • War
      • Money
      • Lawyer
      • Accountant
      00
      Permalink
    • Little Lucy met Little Johnny after school and ask him, "Johnny do you you think I'm cute?"

      Little Johnny looked at her from head to toe irritably and replied.

      "Roses are red.

      Your blood is too.

      You look like a monkey.

      And belong in a zoo.

      Do not worry, I'll be there too.

      Not in the cage, But laughing at you".

      Tags:
      • Beauty
      • Poetry
      • Children
      • Little Johnny
      00
      Permalink
    • Kid: "please could I go 2 the toilet"

      teacher: "say the alphabet"

      Kid: "abcdefghijklmnoqrstuvwxyz"

      teacher: "where's the p?"

      kid: "running half way down my leg"

      Tags:
      • Children
      00
      Permalink
    • A piece of sandpaper walks into a bar.

      The bartender says "What will it be?"

      The sandpaper goes "Just something to take the edge off"

      Tags:
      • Bar
      00
      Permalink
    • Two snakes are talking.

      One of them turns to the other and asks, "Are we venomous?"

      The other replays, "Yes,why?..."

      "I just bit ma lip."

      Tags:
      • Animal
      00
      Permalink
    • There was a crooked woman,

      who ran a crooked mile.

      She found a crooked Weiner,

      who always made her smile.

      She belongs in prison,

      for she is just a crook.

      And if you don't believe me,

      you can read it in her book.

      Tags:
      • Women
      • Poetry
      • Jail
      00
      Permalink
    • When do Democrats like the idea of a flat tax?

      After it reaches 95%

      Tags:
      • Tax
      • Money
      • Democrat
      00
      Permalink
    • What do you call a blonde chick standing on her head?

      A brunette.

      Tags:
      • Women
      • Blonde
      00
      Permalink
    • What is a banana's favorite gymnastic move?

      The splits!

      Tags:
      • gym
      • Food
      • Sport
      • Children
      00
      Permalink
    • Why was the blonde disappointed with her trip to England?

      She found out Big Ben was only a clock.

      Tags:
      • Blonde
      00
      Permalink
    • A man rushes into his house and yells to his wife, "Martha, pack up your things.

      I just won the California lottery!"

      Martha replies, "Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?"

      The man responds, "I don't care.

      Just so long as you're out of the house by noon!"

      Tags:
      • Sport
      00
      Permalink
    • Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar.

      One says, "I think I've lost an electron."

      The other says, "Are you sure?"

      The first says, "Yes, I'm positive..."

      Tags:
      • Bar
      • Alcohol
      • Science
      • Chemistry
      00
      Permalink
    • We have so many nationalities.

      It's gotten to the point now that you can go into any fast food place, and you can find out what kind of neighborhood you're in just by the ethnic group that works there.

      It's like, if Chinese people work there, you're in a Chinese neighborhood; if black people work there, you're in a black neighborhood; if white people work there, then you're in Utah.

      00
      Permalink
    • On a crowded bus, an old lady noticed that a man had his eyes closed.

      "What's the matter? Are you sick?" she asked.

      "No, I'm okay. It's just that I hate to see old ladies standing."

      Tags:
      • Women
      00
      Permalink
    • I'm leaving you... You're constantly sneering at my overweight...

      But honey, what about our kid?

      What kid?

      So you are not you pregnant?!

      Tags:
      • Women
      • Children
      00
      Permalink
    • The more you take the more you leave behind. What am I?

      footsteps

      Tags:
      • Travel
      00
      Permalink
    • Why do men like blonde jokes?

      Because they can understand them.

      Tags:
      • Men
      00
      Permalink
    • It was mealtime during a flight on Blonde Airlines.

      "Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked John, seated in front.

      "What are my choices?" John asked.

      "Yes or no," she replied.

      Tags:
      • Blonde
      00
      Permalink
    • A man enters a little country store and sees a sign reading "Danger! Beware of Dog."

      He then sees an old hound dog lying asleep on the floor.

      "Is that the dog folks are supposed to beware of?" says the man to the shopkeeper.

      "Yep," replies the shopkeeper. "Before I posted that sign, everyone kept tripping over him."

      Tags:
      • Dog
      • Animal
      00
      Permalink
    • A hungry lion was roaming through the jungle looking for something to eat.

      He came across two men.

      One was sitting under a tree reading a book; the other was typing away on his typewriter.

      The lion quickly pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him.

      Even the king of the jungle knows that readers digest, and writers cramp.

      Tags:
      • Animal
      00
      Permalink
    • There's no wine holder on this vacuum cleaner.

      It's like it wasn't even designed for women.

      How can I be expected to work under these conditions?

      Tags:
      • Wine
      • Work
      • Women
      • Technology
      00
      Permalink
    • A man working with an electric saw accidentally saws off all 10 fingers.

      He rushes to the emergency room.

      The doctor says, "Give me the fingers and I'll see what I can do."

      "But I don't have the fingers!"

      "Why didn't you bring the fingers?!" asks the incredulous doctor.

      "Doc, I couldn't pick them up."

      Tags:
      • Work
      • Doctor
      • Disgusting
      00
      Permalink
    • While I was working as a store Santa, a boy asked me for an electric train set.

      "If you get your train," I told him, "your dad is going to want to play with it too. Is that all right?"

      The boy became very quiet.

      So, moving the conversation along, I asked, "What else would you like Santa to bring you?"

      He promptly replied, "Another train."

      Tags:
      • Work
      • Children
      • Christmas
      00
      Permalink
    • Why is it that if you give a child an encyclopedia, lawyer is always the third thing they look up?

      Because the first thing a child looks up is dog.

      The second is snake.

      And under snake, the encyclopedia says See Lawyer.

      Tags:
      • Animal
      • Lawyer
      00
      Permalink
    • A mean horseman went into a saddler's shop and asked for one spur.

      "One spur?" asked the saddler.

      "Surely you mean a pair of spurs, sir?"

      "No, just one," replied the horseman.

      "If I can get one side of the horse to go, the other side is bound to come with it!"

      Tags:
      • Animal
      00
      Permalink
    • What has antlers, pulls Father Christmas sleigh and is made of cement?

      I don't know.

      A reindeer.

      What about the cement?

      I just threw that in to make it hard.

      Tags:
      • Santa
      • Animal
      00
      Permalink
    • What do you call a group financial controller who's lost his job?

      Bob.

      Tags:
      • Work
      • Money
      • Accountant
      00
      Permalink
    • Doctor: "What seems to be your trouble?"

      Patient: "When I get up I feel dizzy for one hour."

      Doctor: "Try getting up one hour later."

      Tags:
      • Doctor
      • Health
      00
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    • A woman walks into a restaurant and sits down.

      As she bends down to reach into her purse for her wallet, she farts loudly with the waiter right behind her.

      She sits abruptly back up, glares at the waiter and shouts "Stop that!"

      To which the waiter replies, "Sure, which way did it go?"

      Tags:
      • Disgusting
      00
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    • Half dressed redneck couple sitting on a couch watching the news on TV with man's arm around the woman.

      The man says "Lookit them homo-sekshuls a ruining the sanctity of our institution.

      We oughta go to San Francisco just to show them liberals that marriage means one man, one woman.

      Right, Darlin."

      The woman replies, "That's right, Daddy."

      Tags:
      • Relationship
      • Family
      • Travel
      • Redneck
      • Relationship
      00
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    • Doctor: "Yes, what is it I can do for you?"

      Blonde: "Doctor, yesterday, when I was doing my yoga, one of my friends told me that if I did this particular exercise, all my body's blood would go into my head. But, when I stand, why doesn't anyone say that all the blood would go into the legs?"

      Doctor: "The fact's your legs are not that hollow as your head is."

      Tags:
      • Blonde
      • Doctor
      • Fitness
      00
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    • What did the blonde say when she tried driving stick for the first time?

      "How do you shift this thing?" (you make jacking off motions).

      Tags:
      • Blonde
      00
      Permalink
    • One day Mullah was beating his donkey in a remote place.

      A man saw him and asked: why are you beating the poor animal.

      Sorry, said Mullah, is it a member of your family?

      Tags:
      • Animal
      • Family
      00
      Permalink
    • A woman went shopping.

      She walks to checkout counter and then the salesman packs all her groceries: milk, cheese, orange juice, half of bread, bar of soap, toothpaste...

      All of a sudden the salesman asks her:

      "You're single, aren't you?"

      A bit surprised woman smiles and answers:

      "That's right, but how did you guessed that?"

      "Because you're so ugly."

      Tags:
      • Men
      00
      Permalink
    • What did the snowman order at McDonald's ?

      Icerbergers with chilly sauce!

      Tags:
      • Food
      • Winter
      00
      Permalink
    • Dad shouts ..."STOP WATCHIN PORN....I CAN HEAR IT IN MY ROOM!"

      Son: Dad...I am NOT watching porn... That is Maria Sharapova playing Tennis!

      Tags:
      • Father
      • Sport
      00
      Permalink
    • What did the blonde do when she couldn't afford a personalized license plate?

      She changed her name to JKM345.

      Tags:
      • Blonde
      00
      Permalink
    • Why did the bodybuilder cross the road?

      He didn't. There's no walking on leg day.

      Tags:
      • Sport
      • Fitness
      00
      Permalink
    • How do you electrocute a blonde?

      Tell her to demonstrate the proper usage of an electric chair.

      Tags:
      • Blonde
      • Technology
      00
      Permalink
    • Why did the students study in the airplane?

      Because they wanted higher grades.

      Tags:
      • Student
      • Airplane
      00
      Permalink
    • In the dim and distant past, when life's tempo wasn't so fast, Grandma used to rock and knit, Crochet, tat and babysit.

      When the kids were in a jam, they could always call on Gram.

      However, today she's in the gym exercising to keep slim.

      She's checking the web or surfing the net, sending some e-mail or placing a bet.

      Nothing seems to stop or block her, now that Grandma's off her rocker.

      Tags:
      • gym
      • Time
      • Memory
      • Children
      • Old People
      00
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    • Two man playing golf were held up by two women playing in front of them.

      One man said: "I'll walk up to them and tell them to hurry up."

      When he returned he said: "I have a problem, one of the women is my wife and the other one is my mistress."

      The second man said: "I'll walk up to them and hurry them up."

      He came back and said: "We both have the same problem."

      Tags:
      • Sport
      00
      Permalink
    • What should you put on the tomb stone of a mathematician?

      He didn't count with this...

      Tags:
      • Math
      • Nerd
      00
      Permalink
    • Wife asked her husband to give her the newspaper.

      Husband: "How backward you are? Technology has developed so much and you are still asking for the newspaper... Take my iPad..."

      Wife took the iPad and killed the Cockroach.

      Husband faints.

      Moral: Whatever the wife asks, give her without argument. Show your smartness in office, not at home.

      Tags:
      • Wife
      • Office
      • Husband
      • Technology
      00
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    • My husband, who uses a wheelchair, showed up at his eye doctor for an appointment.

      The receptionist checked the schedule, then said, "The nurse will call you in a moment. Have a seat."

      He smiled. "Done."

      Tags:
      • Nurse
      • Health
      • Husband
      • Idiot
      00
      Permalink
    • Which side of a deer has the most meat?

      The inside.

      Tags:
      • Animal
      00
      Permalink
    • A man works in the operations department of a large bank.

      Employees call him from the field when they have problems with their computers.

      One night a blonde woman from a branch bank called him and said, "I've got smoke coming from the back of my computer terminal. Do you guys have a fire downtown?"

      Tags:
      • Work
      • Blonde
      • Computer
      • Idiot
      • Technology
      00
      Permalink
    • Which runs faster, hot or cold?

      Hot.

      Everyone can catch cold.

      00
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    • This blonde goes into the drugstore looking for a birthday card.

      She asks the clerk if they have any new and different cards - something unusual.

      The clerk points her to a new card just in that day - "Happy Birthday to the Boy who Popped My Cherry."

      The blonde replied, "How cool! I'll take the whole box!"

      Tags:
      • Blonde
      • Birthday
      00
      Permalink
    • Played a round of golf with the local course pro for some helpful tips.

      After playing the first hole I turned to him for some advice and all he said was "loft".

      So after the next 4 holes I asked him again and all he said was "loft"

      Now we're done with the round and I asked him why after each hole all he would ever tell me was "loft"?

      To which the pro relies "loft" - "Lack Of Fucking Talent"

      Tags:
      • Sport
      00
      Permalink
    • Mother: "Why was the phone busy all night?"

      Babysitter: "The fire department put me on hold."

      Tags:
      • Work
      • Telephone
      00
      Permalink
    • Why do blondes have more fun?

      They are easier to keep amused.

      Tags:
      • Blonde
      • Idiot
      00
      Permalink
    • Why did the unemployed man get excited while looking through his Bible?

      He thought he saw a job.

      Tags:
      • Work
      • Bible
      • Christian
      00
      Permalink
    • Dear Maths,

      Please grow up now and solve you problems yourself.

      Tags:
      • Math
      00
      Permalink
    • Teacher: Tomorrow there will be a lecture on Sun.

      Everyone must attend it.

      Mary: No madam! I will not be able to attend it.

      Teacher: Why?

      Mary: My mother will not allow me to go so far!

      Tags:
      • School
      • Teacher
      00
      Permalink
    • Me: "I'm so lonely."

      Person: "Hey!"

      Me: "Leave me alone."

      Tags:
      • Relationship
      • Relationship
      00
      Permalink
    • Where do pirates buy their parrot food?

      Petsmarrrrrrrrt!

      Tags:
      • Food
      • Parrot
      • Pirate
      00
      Permalink
    • Johnny visits the psychiatrist and tells him: "Lately I have a big problem with my memory."

      The psychiatrist asks Johnny: "And how does it demonstrate concretely?"

      Johnny: "What?"

      Tags:
      • Doctor
      • Memory
      • Little Johnny
      00
      Permalink
    • Where does a kangaroo go that can't hop?

      Hopspital.

      Tags:
      • Animal
      • Hospital
      00
      Permalink
    • Why do Soviet soldiers always miss?

      They have terrible Marxmanship.

      Tags:
      • War
      • Manager
      00
      Permalink
    • A woman walks into a bar with her 5 pound Chihuahua and sits down next to this guy, whom she notices is feeling a little bit queasy.

      A few minutes go buy and the guy looks at her and blows his chunks.

      He looks down and sees the little dog struggling in a pool of vomit and says, "Whoa, I don't remember eating that!"

      Tags:
      • Bar
      • Dog
      • Animal
      • Alcohol
      00
      Permalink
    • What is a Democratic Free Market?

      One that hands out slices of cheese.

      Tags:
      • Food
      • Money
      • Democrat
      • Politics
      00
      Permalink
    • What do you get when you take a Kitty Kat to the tailor?

      Bad Blood.

      Tags:
      • Cat
      00
      Permalink
    • A man was drowning and asked God to help him.

      A boat came by wanting to help the man.

      The man refused and said that God would save him.

      The man drowned and went to heaven.

      He asked God why didn't you save me. God responded, "I sent a boat to get you and you did not get on."

      Tags:
      • God
      00
      Permalink
    • What is the most important rule in chemistry?

      Don't lick the spoon!

      Tags:
      • Chemistry
      00
      Permalink
    • Mary's father has 5 daughters,

      1. Nana

      2. Nono

      3. Nini

      4. Nene

      What is the fifth daughters name?

      Tags:
      • Father
      • Children
      00
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    • Teacher: "Which is more important to us, the sun or the moon?"

      Ramu: "The moon".

      Teacher: "Why?"

      Ramu: "The moon gives us light at night when we need it but the sun gives us light only in the

      day time when we don't need it".

      Tags:
      • School
      • Teacher
      00
      Permalink
    • Two guys on a double bike where pedaling up a hill.

      It took forever to get to the top.

      When they finally got to the top the first guy said in a pant, "Whew, that was so hard."

      The second replied, "If I hadn't been pushing the brakes the whole time we would have rolled down backwards."

      Tags:
      • Sport
      00
      Permalink
    • How can you tell a blonde's been in your fridge?

      There is lipstick on the cucumber.

      Tags:
      • Blonde
      00
      Permalink
    • Lady goes to her doc.

      "Doc, I have quite the problem. I can't control my gas. All day long I'm farting and farting. The only good news is they are the 'silent but deadly' type."

      The Doc pauses for a moment and replies, "first let's get you fitted for a hearing aid."

      Tags:
      • Women
      00
      Permalink
    • What is a bee that can't make up his mind?

      A maybe.

      Tags:
      • Animal
      00
      Permalink
    • A waitress walks up to a man to take his order.

      "I'd like to get the turtle soup, please."

      The waitress walks off to go get his order, but the man changes his mind and decides he wants the pea soup instead.

      "Hold the turtle, make it pea!"

      Tags:
      • Food
      • Animal
      • Disgusting
      00
      Permalink
    • Customer: Give me a hot dog.

      Waiter: With pleasure.

      Customer: No, with mustard.

      00
      Permalink
    • A man walks into the doctors and the doctor says, "I've not seen you for a while."

      The man replies, "Yes, I've been ill."

      Tags:
      • Doctor
      • Health
      00
      Permalink
    • Who hangs out with musicians but isn't a musician?

      Drummers.

      Tags:
      • Music
      00
      Permalink
    • Two goldfish are in a tank.

      One said to the other: "Do you know how to drive this thing?"

      Tags:
      • Animal
      00
      Permalink
    • An old woman goes to the doctor's office.

      The doctor gives her a checkup and says, "I need to do stool, blood and urine tests."

      The woman says, "Well can I just leave my underwear? Bingo starts in half an hour."

      Tags:
      • Doctor
      • Disgusting
      • Old People
      00
      Permalink
    • What can popsicles do that men can't?

      Come in five flavors.

      Tags:
      • Disgusting
      00
      Permalink
    • Blonde: "I'm on the road a lot, and my clients are complaining that they can never reach me."

      Psychiatrist: "Don't you have a cell phone?"

      Blonde: "They're too expensive, so I did the next best thing: I put a mailbox in my car."

      Psychiatrist: "And do you receive any letters?"

      Blonde: "No, but I figure it's because when I'm driving around, my zip code keeps changing."

      Tags:
      • Blonde
      00
      Permalink
    • Joe: What's the king of all school supplies?

      Moe: I don't know. What?

      Joe: The ruler.

      Tags:
      • School
      00
      Permalink
    • Wife: "Every Sunday you go for fishing, right?"

      Husband: "Yeah... Why?"

      Wife: "Today the fish came here and told she's pregnant."

      Tags:
      • Baby
      • Fish
      • Wife
      • Marriage
      00
      Permalink
    • My son asked me today, "Dad, what music did you like growing up?"

      "Led Zeppelin," I replied.

      "Who?" he said.

      "Yeah, I liked them too."

      Tags:
      • Father
      00
      Permalink
    • Why did this woman cross the road?

      Because I was not fast enough to hit her.

      Tags:
      • Women
      00
      Permalink
    • A team of little animals and a team of big animals decided to play football.

      During the first half of the game, the big animals were winning.

      But during the second half,a centipede scored so many touchdowns that the little animals won the game.

      When the game was over, the chipmunk asked the centipede,

      "Where were you during the first half?"

      He replied "Putting on my shoes!".

      Tags:
      • Game
      • Animal
      • Soccer
      00
      Permalink
    • A blonde, a brunet and a red head were in a competition to see who could swim 60 miles across a river.

      The brunet swims 30 miles, gets a cramp and drowns.

      The red head swims across 30 miles, gets bit by a shark and drowns.

      The blonde swims 30 miles across, says: "I'm tired." and swims 30 miles back.

      Tags:
      • Blonde
      • Travel
      • Redhead
      00
      Permalink
    • I've never understood why women love cats.

      Cats are independent, they don't listen, they don't come in when you call, they like to stay out all night, and when they're home they like to be left alone and sleep.

      In other words, every quality that women hate in a man they love in a cat.

      Tags:
      • Animal
      00
      Permalink
    • Why did God create blondes?

      Because pets can't bring beer from the fridge.

      Why did God create brunettes?

      Because the blondes couldn't either.

      Tags:
      • Blonde
      00
      Permalink
    • Jacob: Why was the teacher wearing sunglasses to school?

      Leonard: Why?

      Jacob: She had bright students!

      Tags:
      • School
      00
      Permalink
    • Why do they never serve beer at a math party?

      Because you can't drink and derive...

      Tags:
      • Math
      00
      Permalink
    • Bob asks his grandmother: "Granny, tell us, how my sister and me came to life?"

      "Your sister, Bob, came from heaven and a stork has brought you to us."

      Bob then, turns to his sister and whispers: "Should we tell her the truth, or should we let her die without knowing..."

      Tags:
      • Children
      00
      Permalink
    • why did the cow cross the road?

      So he could pass the milkyway.

      Tags:
      • Animal
      • Travel
      00
      Permalink
    • A blonde walks into a drugstore and purchases a pack of condoms.

      "That will be $1.08, please," says the clerk.

      "What are the eight cents for?" asks the blonde.

      "It says one dollar right here on the packaging."

      "Tax," replies the clerk.

      "Gee," says the blonde, "I thought you just rolled them on and they stayed put."

      Tags:
      • Tax
      • Money
      • Blonde
      00
      Permalink
    • How do you plant dope?

      Bury a blonde.

      Tags:
      • Blonde
      • Insulting
      • Idiot
      00
      Permalink
    • A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing aid.

      It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect."

      "Really," answered the neighbor. "What kind is it?"

      "Twelve thirty."

      Tags:
      • Time
      • Money
      • Old People
      00
      Permalink
    • Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you say.

      After marriage, he will fall asleep before you finish.

      Happy Valentine's Day.

      Tags:
      • Marriage
      • Relationship
      • Valentines day
      00
      Permalink
    • A couple celebrates their 30th anniversary by re-walking their first walk together.

      They come to the fence against which they first made love.

      The husband says, "Come on, for old time's sake."

      The wife agrees and they both undress.

      Afterwards, the husband says, "You're even better than you were 30 years ago."

      His wife replies, "That fence wasn't electrified 30 years ago!"

      Tags:
      • Marriage
      00
      Permalink
    • Why have scientists started using lawyers for experiments instead of rats?

      They don't become so attached to the lawyers.

      Tags:
      • Lawyer
      • Science
      00
      Permalink
    • What is height of Honesty?

      A pregnant woman taking one and a half ticket.

      Tags:
      • Women
      00
      Permalink
    • First Kangaroo: What do you call it when giraffes moving one way get mixed up with giraffes moving another way?

      Second Kangaroo: A giraffic jam.

      Tags:
      • Animal
      00
      Permalink
    • Why don't hockey players drink tea?

      Because the Canadians and Red Wings have all the cups.

      Tags:
      • Sport
      00
      Permalink
    • They've broken in my house so many times, they leave notes complaining about things: "The salt was low."

      "Pick up bread. We be back."

      Grease all over my stove they cooked and left the best chicken and dressing you ever want to lay your lips on.

      Tags:
      • Food
      00
      Permalink
    • How would you get four reindeer in a car?

      Two in the front and two in the back.

      And how do you get four polar bears in a car?

      Take the reindeer out first.

      Tags:
      • Car
      • Animal
      00
      Permalink
    • 2 cannibals having dinner.

      1st says to 2nd, "Your wife makes a lovely stew."

      2nd answers, "Yes but I will miss her."

      Tags:
      • Men
      00
      Permalink
    • Why does Santa have an accountant in the USA?

      So he can avoid Gift Taxes.

      Tags:
      • Tax
      • Money
      • Santa
      • Geography
      • Accountant
      00
      Permalink
    • How do you brainwash a blonde?

      Give her a douche and shake her upside down.

      Tags:
      • Blonde
      00
      Permalink
    • Mike: "Hey Joe. My girl friend always gets offended whenever I tell her jokes about bald people."

      Joe: "Is your girl friend bald?"

      Mike: "No. She's a blonde."

      Tags:
      • Blonde
      • Insulting
      • Idiot
      • Friend
      • Relationship
      00
      Permalink
    • Why don't whales eat sushi very often?

      Of course whales like sushi.

      It's just those itty-bitty chop sticks that keep getting stuck in their teeth.

      Tags:
      • Fish
      • Animal
      00
      Permalink
    • What do you call a car only British animals can drive?

      OxFord.

      Tags:
      • Car
      • Animal
      • Driving
      00
      Permalink
    • Why doesn't Tigger have any friends?

      He plays with Pooh.

      Tags:
      • Animal
      • Disgusting
      00
      Permalink
    • Why does Tigger smell?

      You'd smell too if you played with Pooh all day!

      Tags:
      • Animal
      00
      Permalink
    • Lara Rabbit: "Do you think that's Sophie's natural color?"

      Zara Rabbit: "Only her hare dresser knows for sure."

      Tags:
      • Animal
      00
      Permalink
    • Lebron better than Jordan?

      Ha! Yea right.

      Talk to me when Lebron saves the looney tunes from an alien race.

      Tags:
      • Sport
      • Celebrity
      00
      Permalink
    • What's the definition of mixed emotions?

      When you see your mother in Law backing off a cliff in your brand new car.

      Tags:
      • Women
      00
      Permalink
    • Girl: "Why did the king go to the dentist?"

      Boy: "I don't know, Why?"

      Girl: "To get a new crown!"

      Tags:
      • Dentist
      00
      Permalink
    • Why don't they let Blondes swim in the ocean?

      Because they can't get the smell out of the tuna.

      Tags:
      • Animal
      • Blonde
      00
      Permalink
    • Man, to friend, 'A thief has stolen my wife's credit card.

      Last month he ran up a bill of over a thousand pounds.'

      'That's terrible,' says the friend.

      'You should report this thief to the police.'

      'I would,' says the man.

      'But at the moment he's spending less than my wife does.'

      Tags:
      • Money
      00
      Permalink
    • -How is Ruth?

      -Not sure. I broke up with her last month.

      -Oh no. You're so Ruthless.

      -And how long have you been waiting to use that?

      -I'd rather not say.

      00
      Permalink
    • A guy goes in for a job interview and sits down with the boss.

      The boss asks him, "What do you think is your worst quality?"

      The man says "I'm probably too honest."

      The boss says, "That's not a bad thing, I think being honest is a good quality."

      The man replies, "I don't give a shit what you think!"

      Tags:
      • Work
      00
      Permalink
    • What is 001011010110101010100101010010101015 in binary?

      A major glitch!

      Tags:
      • Technology
      • Nerd
      • Technology
      00
      Permalink
    • What do you call a group of 8 hobbits?

      Hobbyte.

      Tags:
      • Technology
      • Nerd
      00
      Permalink
    • A blonde takes her typewriter to the doctor.

      "Doc, I'm afraid my typewriter is pregnant."

      The doctor asks, "Why in the world would you think that?"

      She says, "Because it's started missing its period."

      Tags:
      • Blonde
      00
      Permalink
    • Whats the height of desperation?

      A vampire sucking blood from a sanitary napkin.

      Tags:
      • Disgusting
      00
      Permalink
    • A man fell out of a tenth-story window.

      He's lying on the ground with a big crowd around him.

      A cop walks over and says, "What happened?"

      The guy says, "I don't know, I just got here."

      Tags:
      • Police
      00
      Permalink
    • "Have you heard about the object-oriented way to become wealthy?"

      "No..."

      "Inheritance."

      Tags:
      • Technology
      00
      Permalink
    • A doctor and a lawyer are involved in a car crash.

      The lawyer, seeing that the doctor is a little shaken up, offers him a drink from his hip flask.

      The doctor accepts, has a drink and hands back the flask.

      The lawyer puts it in his pocket.

      'Aren't you having one yourself?' asks the doctor.

      'Sure,' says the lawyer. 'But I'll wait till after the police leave.'

      Tags:
      • Lawyer
      00
      Permalink
    • Why couldn't the witch have children?

      Her husband had a hallow weenie.

      Tags:
      • Husband
      • Children
      • Halloween
      00
      Permalink
    • Four men were stranded in a desert.

      Suddenly, 1 of them died.

      The other 3 decided that the only way to survive was to eat the dead body.

      The 1st man said, "I support Liverpool, so I'll eat his liver."

      The 2nd man said, "I support Manchester, so I'll eat his chest."

      The 3rd man said, "I support Arsenal... but I'm not very hungry!"

      Tags:
      • Soccer
      • Sport
      00
      Permalink
    • 4-year-old: Why are you my dad?

      Me: Because I made you.

      4-year-old: How?

      Me: ...With Legos.

      Tags:
      • Father
      • Children
      00
      Permalink
    • Phil: What makes a Cyclops such an effective teacher?

      Cheryl: I don't know.

      Phil: He has only one pupil.

      Tags:
      • School
      00
      Permalink
    • At the supermarket checkout, the cashier was having trouble finding the price for my cucumber.

      "Maybe the list is alphabetical," I offered.

      So he started searching from the bottom of the list: "Q... Q... Q..."

      Tags:
      • Food
      • Idiot
      • Customer Service
      00
      Permalink
    • Doctor, my husband is 300% impotent.

      "I'm not quite sure what you mean.

      Could you elaborate?"

      "Well, the first part you can imagine, but he also burned his tongue and broke his finger."

      Tags:
      • Marriage
      00
      Permalink
    • Golfer: "I'd move heaven and Earth to break 100 on this course."

      Caddy: "Try heaven; you've already moved most of the earth."

      Tags:
      • Golf
      • Heaven
      • Sport
      00
      Permalink
    • At work, a blonde notices her that cubicle mate has a thermos.

      She asks him what it's for, and he responds, "It keeps hot things hot, and cold things cold."

      The blonde immediately buys one.

      The next day, she goes to work and proudly displays it.

      Her cube mate asks, "What do you have in it?"

      The blonde says, "Soup and ice cream."

      Tags:
      • Food
      • Work
      • Blonde
      00
      Permalink
    • *Me when I turn 18*

      Parents: Do this.

      Me: Dobby has no master. Dobby is a free elf.

      Tags:
      • Children
      00
      Permalink
    • What does the zero say to the the eight?

      Nice belt!

      Tags:
      • Math
      00
      Permalink
    • One day there was a big lady swimming at the beach when she noticed that she had lost her top.

      She thought that no one would notice if she covered herself with her arms and walked over to her towel.

      Then a little girl came running up to her.

      "If you're going to drown those puppies, at least let me have the one with the cute little pink nose."

      Tags:
      • Disgusting
      00
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    • What's grosser than gross?

      Ten babies in one mail box.

      What's grosser than that?

      One baby in ten mailboxes.

      What's grosser than that?

      Biting into a pickle and finding a vein.

      What's grosser than that?

      A cheerleader doing a split and sticking to the floor.

      What's grosser than that?

      A girl thinking she has crabs only to find it's fruit flies because her cherry rotted.

      Tags:
      • Disgusting
      00
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    • A patient: "Doctor, I don't feel hungry after taking meal."

      Doctor: "Really, your condition is very serious. Wait a bit."

      (After sometime, the doctor holds out some medicines).

      Doctor: "Take these pills. You take one pill after your sleep and another one before you get-up."

      Tags:
      • Food
      • Doctor
      00
      Permalink
    • Traffic was backed up for miles, the police were going car to car.

      When they got to my car I asked the officer what was going on.

      He said "It's O.J. again. He's up there threatening to set himself on fire!

      We are going car to car collecting donations."

      "Donations!" I said, "How much you got so far?"

      He said "about ten gallons."

      Tags:
      • Car
      • Police
      00
      Permalink
    • After football fans in Philadelphia were treated to a particularly excruciating loss earlier in the season, a man phoned a sports-radio talk-show host to say, "Everyone should call in and give one word for that game."

      "What's your word?" the host

      replied.

      "Bored out of my mind," said the caller.

      Tags:
      • Game
      • Football
      00
      Permalink
    • You know why women haven't landed on the moon?

      Because there is no shopping centre.

      Tags:
      • Women
      • Beauty
      • Travel
      00
      Permalink
    • Teacher: Why are you doing your multiplication on the floor?

      Student: You told me not to use tables.

      Tags:
      • School
      00
      Permalink
    • What kind of money do elves use?

      Jingle bills!

      Tags:
      • Elf
      • Money
      00
      Permalink
    • What explorer was the best at Hiding and Seek?

      Marco Polo.

      Tags:
      • Navy
      • Game
      • history
      • Celebrity
      00
      Permalink
    • Did you hear about the leper poker game?

      One guy threw in his hand and the other three laughed their heads off.

      Tags:
      • Game
      • Disgusting
      00
      Permalink
    • A blonde's house was on fire.

      She called 911 and started screaming, "Help me, please!

      My house is burning! Hurry!"

      The operator said, "Okay, calm down and we'll be there soon. How do we get to your house?"

      The blonde answered, "Duh, in that big red truck!"

      Tags:
      • Blonde
      00
      Permalink
    • A midget is riding a bus when a blonde steps on him.

      "Hey you, brunette, watch where you're going," yells the midget.

      The blonde looks down and says, "I am not a brunette, I am a blonde."

      The midget replies, "Not from where I'm standing."

      Tags:
      • Blonde
      00
      Permalink
    • Person 1: What's the difference between a blonde and garbage?

      Person 2: Garbage gets taken out at least once a week.

      Person 1: Wrong. You tie the garbage up before you take it out.

      Tags:
      • Blonde
      00
      Permalink
    • What do you call Santa Claus with muscles?

      Mr. XMass

      Tags:
      • Fitness
      • Christmas
      00
      Permalink
    • A doctor is talking to a car mechanic, "Your fee is several times more per hour then we get paid for medical care."

      "Yeah, but you see, doc, you have always the same model, it hasn't changed since Adam; but we have to keep up to date with new models coming every month."

      Tags:
      • Money
      • Doctor
      • Medical
      • Mechanic
      00
      Permalink
    • How did Albert Einstein celebrate Thanksgiving?

      He was very thinkful.

      Tags:
      • Holiday
      • Celebrity
      • Thanksgiving
      00
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    • A man goes skydiving.

      After a fantastic free fall he pulls the rip cord to open his parachute but nothing happens.

      He tries everything but can't get it open.

      Just then another man flies by him, going UP.

      The skydiver yells, "Hey, you know anything about parachutes?

      The man replies, "No, you know anything about gas stoves?

      00
      Permalink
    • Man: "What you have prepared to eat today?"

      Wife: "Nothing."

      Man: "But you did nothing yesterday."

      Wife : "I made it for two days."

      Tags:
      • Marriage
      00
      Permalink
    • What do you call a trial balance that doesn't balance?

      A late night.

      Tags:
      • Time
      • Accountant
      00
      Permalink
    • Two children are in a doctor's waiting room, and one of them is crying.

      "Why are you crying?" asked the other child.

      "I'm here for a blood test, and they're going to cut my finger."

      When he heard this, the other child started to cry.

      "Why are you crying?"

      "I'm here for a urine test."

      Tags:
      • Doctor
      • Children
      00
      Permalink
    • How do you be pro in clash royale?

      Use rocket and rage spell ladies.

      Tags:
      • Nerd
      • Game
      • Women
      00
      Permalink
    • Gemma:My dog doesn't have a nose.

      Ortoise: How does he smell?

      Gemma: Awful!

      Tags:
      • Animal
      00
      Permalink
    • Silence is golden.

      Unless you have an infant.

      Then its probably blue.

      Tags:
      • Disgusting
      00
      Permalink
    • What comes with the new Divorced Barbie doll?

      All Ken's stuff.

      Tags:
      • Divorce
      • Marriage
      00
      Permalink
    • What do you call a terrorist attack in the Middle East?

      A Selfie!

      Tags:
      • Geography
      • terrorist
      • Technology
      11
      Permalink
    • What does an elephant use as tampon?

      A sheep.

      Tags:
      • Animal
      • Elephant
      • Disgusting
      00
      Permalink
    • What do you get when you complete science class?

      A graduated cylinder.

      Tags:
      • Science
      • Chemistry
      • graduation
      00
      Permalink
    • What do a gang member and a redneck have in common?

      They both know how to throw a good hoe down.

      Tags:
      • Redneck
      00
      Permalink
    • Why do Republicans avoid living on the West Coast?

      They're scared to live that close to the edge of the Earth.

      Tags:
      • Geography
      • Republican
      00
      Permalink
    • Why don't blondes eat pickles?

      They can't get their heads in the jars.

      Tags:
      • Blonde
      00
      Permalink
    • How can you tell if a lawyer is well hung?

      You can't get a finger between the rope and his neck!

      Tags:
      • Lawyer
      00
      Permalink
    • Why are fish so smart?

      Why are fish so smart

      Because they swim in schools!

      Tags:
      • Animal
      00
      Permalink
    • How do you know the Easter Bunny is really smart?

      Because he's an egghead.

      Tags:
      • Animal
      • Easter
      00
      Permalink
    • Two women are digging in the garden.

      One pulls out a foot-long carrot.

      She says, "This one reminds me of my husband."

      The second woman says, "Your husband's is that long?"

      "No that dirty."

      Tags:
      • Women
      00
      Permalink
    • How can you tell if you have an overbite?

      When you're eating pussy and it tastes like shit.

      Tags:
      • Disgusting
      00
      Permalink
    • Why can't you hear a pterodactyl going to the bathroom?

      Because the "P" is silent.

      Tags:
      • Animal
      00
      Permalink
    • A blonde gave birth to two twins and continuously crying.

      A nurse asks her what's the problem.

      She replies,"I don't know with whom I have the second baby..."

      Tags:
      • Blonde
      00
      Permalink
    • The judge:

      Why did you shoot the rabbit without being a member of the hunters association?

      The inculpated:

      Why did the rabbit eat cabbage from my garden, without being a family member?

      Tags:
      • Animal
      • Family
      • Lawyer
      • Hunting
      00
      Permalink
    • Why did the blonde have trouble in the ladies' room?

      She is not used to pulling her own pants down.

      Tags:
      • Blonde
      00
      Permalink
    • What did the blonde say when the airplane began to shake?

      Must be an earthquake.

      Tags:
      • Blonde
      00
      Permalink
    • A lady went to see a tarot reader woman who'll predict her future:

      Lady, I'm sorry to inform you that your husband will die in the near future.

      Don't tell me things that I already know, tell me if there would be an investigation!

      Tags:
      • Women
      00
      Permalink
    • What do builders use to make websites?

      Com.crete.

      Tags:
      • Internet
      • Technology
      00
      Permalink
    • While having their evening dinner together, a little girl looked up at her father and asked, "Daddy, you're the boss in our family, right?"

      The father was very pleased to hear it and confidently replied, "Yes my little princess."

      The girl then continued, "That's because mommy put you in charge, right?"

      Tags:
      • Father
      • Family
      • Children
      00
      Permalink
    • What do you get if you cross a football team with a flower center?

      Nottingham forest.

      Tags:
      • Sport
      • Football
      • Insulting
      00
      Permalink
    • What's the scariest thing about a white man in prison?

      You know that he actually did it.

      Tags:
      • Jail
      • White People
      00
      Permalink
    • Little Johnny walked into the house covered in filth.

      His mom asked, "Johnny, why do you always get so dirty?"

      Johnny replied, " I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are."

      Tags:
      • Little Johnny
      00
      Permalink
    • My shift keys have little arrows on them. Does that mean the *real* shift keys are located above them, and these keys are just little signs to point them out?

      Nope, they're the Real McCoy.

      The little arrows mean "up", as in "look up at the screen".

      Your keyboard is telling you to learn to touch type and quit staring at your fingers.

      Tags:
      • Technology
      00
      Permalink
    • What's the difference between Personal Injury lawyers and Congress?

      No fee if no recovery!

      Tags:
      • Lawyer
      00
      Permalink
    • A blind man walks into a bar, grabs his dog by its hind legs, and swung him around in a circle.

      The bartender says, "Hey buddy, what are you doing?"

      And the blind man says, "Don't mind me, I'm just looking around."

      Tags:
      • Bar
      • Alcohol
      00
      Permalink
    • For our daughters 5th birthday we bought her a rabbit.

      We couldn't help laughing when on the way she announced "the rabbit's name is Sparingly."

      "How do you know?" I asked "look" she responded "it says 'feed sparingly 3 times daily'."

      Tags:
      • Animal
      00
      Permalink
    • A man with a bad rash on his hands went to his doctor.

      The latter examined his hands carefully for sometime and consulted many large volumes on his shelves.

      Finally, he asked the patient: "Have you had this trouble before?"

      He answered: "Yes."

      Doctor said: "You have again got it."

      Tags:
      • Doctor
      00
      Permalink
    • What did Jack Frost say to Frosty the Snowman?

      Have an ice day!

      Tags:
      • Winter
      00
      Permalink
    • What game do tornadoes like to play?

      Twister.

      Tags:
      • Game
      • Weather
      00
      Permalink
    • A pollock walks into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist if he sells condoms.

      We have some for 75 cents a peace.

      The man asks for two.

      The pharmacist calculates the total and says, "That will be $1.58 with tax, sir."

      The pollock says, "Oh, these come with tacks? I was wondering how you keep them on."

      Tags:
      • Disgusting
      00
      Permalink
    • What's lil Wayne's favorite kind of pizza?

      Little Seizures.

      What?

      To soon?

      Tags:
      • Music
      00
      Permalink
    • Rabbit: "I got kicked out of my cage for not paying the rent. My wife walked out and took our twenty-nine bunnies with her. I m all out of carrots. What should I do?"

      Friend: "Don't worry; be hoppy!"

      Tags:
      • Food
      • Wife
      • Animal
      00
      Permalink
    • A wife to her husband:

      "Honey, what are you doing?"

      "I'm reading our marriage certificate."

      "What for?"

      "I'm looking for the expiry date..."

      Tags:
      • Marriage
      00
      Permalink
    • Why was the lesbian sick?

      She was lacking vitamin D.

      Tags:
      • Health
      • Lesbian
      00
      Permalink
    • A beggar walks up to a well-dressed woman out shopping.

      'I haven't eaten anything in four days,' he says.

      She looks at him and says, 'God, I wish I had your willpower.'

      Tags:
      • Money
      00
      Permalink
    • A drunk on his way home from a bar one night realizes that he has dropped his keys.

      He gets down on his hands and knees and starts groping around beneath a lamppost.

      A policeman asks what he's doing.

      "I lost my keys in the park," says the drunk.

      "Then why are you looking for them under the lamppost?" asks the puzzled cop.

      "Because," says the drunk, "that's where the light is."

      Tags:
      • Alcohol
      00
      Permalink
    • What would you get if you cross a trumpet and a serpent?

      A snake in the brass.

      Tags:
      • Animal
      00
      Permalink
    • What do you call a horse that plays the violin in a musical?

      Fiddler on the hoof.

      Tags:
      • Music
      • Animal
      00
      Permalink
    • Which American duo became famous for stealing horses?

      Bonnie and Clydesdale.

      Tags:
      • Animal
      00
      Permalink
    • What's meaner than a pit bull with herpes?

      The guy who gave it to him.

      Tags:
      • Animal
      • Health
      • Disgusting
      00
      Permalink
    • A lawyer buys a farm as a weekend retreat.

      While walking round his new property he looks down and sees that his feet are in the middle of a huge cowpat.

      The lawyer starts yelling, 'Oh my God!

      Help me, help me!'

      His wife runs up and asks what's the matter.

      The lawyer points to his feet and screams, 'I'm melting!

      I'm melting...!'

      Tags:
      • Lawyer
      00
      Permalink
    • A deer hunter was bragging about the biggest, baddest, handsomest, heaviest deer he'd bagged the day before.

      "It's got enough meat to eat the whole year," he boasted.

      Just then the Game Warden came up and cited the man $500 for hunting without the proper tag.

      "Five-hundred dollars?" exclaimed the hunter.

      "All for a mangy, skinny, stubby, half-pint deer?"

      Tags:
      • Time
      • Money
      • Animal
      • Hunting
      00
      Permalink
    • The policeman arrived at the scene of an accident to find that a car had struck a telephone pole.

      Searching for witnesses, he discovered a pale, nervous young man in work clothes who claimed he was an eyewitness.

      "Exactly where were you at the time of the accident?" inquired the officer.

      "Mister," exclaimed the telephone lineman, "I was at the top of the pole!"

      Tags:
      • Police
      00
      Permalink
    • Did you hear the Energizer Bunny Was Arrested?

      Charged With Battery.

      Tags:
      • Animal
      • Jail
      00
      Permalink
    • My husband and I couldn't decide which jacket to buy our granddaughter, so we asked the young salesman.

      "If you were buying a jacket for your girlfriend," I said, "what would you get?"

      "A bulletproof one," he said. "I'm married."

      Tags:
      • Marriage
      00
      Permalink
    • Teacher: Daddy, have you ever been to Egypt?

      Father: No. Why do you ask that?

      Teacher: Well, where did you get THIS mummy then?

      Tags:
      • Father
      • School
      • Teacher
      00
      Permalink
    • Anyone remember the good old days before Facebook, Instagram and Twitter?

      When you had to take a photo of your dinner, then get the film developed, then go around to all your friends' houses to show them the picture of your dinner?

      No?

      Me neither.

      Tags:
      • Facebook
      • Technology
      00
      Permalink
    • I overheard a friend telling his pal, "I can't break my wife of the

      habit of staying up until 5 in the morning."

      "What is she doing?", the pal asks.

      "Waiting for me to get home."

      Tags:
      • Time
      • Wife
      • Marriage
      00
      Permalink
    • Two men are discussing their lives.

      One says, "I'm getting married. I'm tired of a messy apartment, dirty dishes, and no clothes to wear."

      The other one says, "I'm getting divorced for the same reasons."

      Tags:
      • Divorce
      • Marriage
      00
      Permalink
    • Johnny, George, and Bert were driving along in their pickup when they saw a sheep caught in the fence with its hind end up in the air.

      Bert said, "I wish that was Sharon Stone."

      George echoed, "I wish it was Demi Moore."

      Little Johnny sighed, "I wish it was dark..."

      Tags:
      • Animal
      • Little Johnny
      00
      Permalink
    • Why couldn't the pony sing?

      Because he's a little hoarse.

      Tags:
      • Music
      • Animal
      00
      Permalink
    • Where does a snowman keep his money?

      In a snow bank.

      Tags:
      • Money
      • Winter
      00
      Permalink
    • Two kittens on a sloped roof.

      Which one slides off first?

      The one with the lowest mew.

      Tags:
      • Nerd
      • Cat
      00
      Permalink
    • Yo Momma's a bowling ball.

      She is round and heavy, men stick three fingers into her and push her in the gutter.

      Then she comes rolling back for more.

      Tags:
      • Insulting
      00
      Permalink
    • Phone talk:

      "Is your boss there?"

      "No, he left on a trip."

      "A recovery trip, huh?"

      "I don't think so... He took his wife with him!"

      Tags:
      • Wife
      • Marriage
      • Telephone
      00
      Permalink
    • Why did Arnold Schwarzenegger train on a desert island?

      He wanted maximum isolation.

      Tags:
      • Fitness
      • Celebrity
      • Desert Island
      00
      Permalink
    • What did Data find when he went into the bathroom stall?

      Captain's log.

      Tags:
      • Technology
      00
      Permalink
    • A blonde finds a lamp with a genie inside.

      He says, "I will grant you three wishes."

      The blonde says, "For my first wish, I want my love handles to disappear."

      The genie replies, "Your wish is my command."

      Suddenly, the blonde exclaims, "Holy shit! What did you do with my ears?"

      Tags:
      • Blonde
      00
      Permalink
    • Hot Shot Rookie A rookie patrol officer stopped a car for speeding.

      The driver asked, "Gee officer can't you just give me a warning"?

      The officer said,"Sure".

      He stepped back, drew his .357 magnum and fired a shot across the hood of the car.

      "Anything else?" said the rookie.

      Tags:
      • Police
      00
      Permalink
    • How do you keep a Republican busy for a week?

      Turn on the spell checker.

      Tags:
      • Work
      • Politics
      • Insulting
      • Idiot
      • Republican
      00
      Permalink
    • Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary!

      The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: "Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever"

      "Yeah?" she replies.

      "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: "Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last"

      Tags:
      • Wife
      • Husband
      • Wedding
      • Marriage
      • Anniversary
      00
      Permalink
    • A couple had been married for 50 years and had raised a brood of 10 children and was blessed with 20 grandchildren.

      When asked the secret for staying together all that time, the wife replies,

      "Many years ago we made a promise to each other: the first one to pack up and leave has to take all the kids."

      Tags:
      • Time
      • Children
      • Marriage
      00
      Permalink
    • Two coworkers were talking by the water fountain one guy said, "Today I got through the first step of getting divorced."

      The second guy replies, "Oh, did you go to Mr. Guggenheim? Everyone goes to him for divorces."

      The first man replies, "No, I just got married".

      Tags:
      • Divorce
      • Marriage
      00
      Permalink
    • What did one tube of glue say to the other tube of glue?

      We have to stick together.

      Tags:
      • Children
      00
      Permalink
    • Little Johnny was watching TV with his mother.

      Johnny: "Why is this tampon commercial so long?"

      Mother: "This is my favorite show called 90210."

      Johnny: ...

      Tags:
      • Time
      • Children
      • Little Johnny
      00
      Permalink
    • This couple had been going out together for quite a while and was thinking about getting married.

      They finally decided to spend a night in a motel to see if they were sexually compatible.

      The next morning he dropped her off at her apartment and he said, "So long Lucy."

      She said, "Goodbye, Shorty."

      Tags:
      • Marriage
      00
      Permalink
    • John: How old are you?

      Peter: Hmmm..I'm 7

      John: You know what, when I was your age, I was also 7.

      Tags:
      • Children
      00
      Permalink
    • Doctor: "I'm sorry but you suffer from a terminal illness and have only 10 to live."

      Patient: "What do you mean, 10? 10 what? Months? Weeks?!"

      Doctor: "Nine."

      Tags:
      • Time
      • Doctor
      • Health
      00
      Permalink
    • Why did the bald man cut holes in his pockets?

      He wanted to run his fingers through his hair.

      Tags:
      • Disgusting
      00
      Permalink
    • What do you get if you cross a fence post was a kitty?

      A poleca.

      Tags:
      • Cat
      00
      Permalink
    • What do cannibal tax advisors do after their office Christmas Dinner?

      Toast their clients.

      Tags:
      • Tax
      • Food
      • Christmas
      • Customer Service
      00
      Permalink
    • What did the snowman and his wife put over their baby's crib?

      A snowmobile!

      Tags:
      • Baby
      • Wife
      • Winter
      00
      Permalink
    • A man hires a taxi to take him to court for his bankruptcy trial.

      When they arrive he says to the driver, 'Well, I suppose you might as well come in too.'

      Tags:
      • Money
      00
      Permalink
    • What do you call a fairy who doesn't take a bath?

      Stinkerbell!

      00
      Permalink
    • Women are Angels.

      And when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly...

      On a broomstick.

      We're flexible like that.

      Tags:
      • Women
      00
      Permalink
    • A policeman spots a woman driving and knitting at the same time.

      Driving up beside her, he shouts out the window, "Pull over!"

      "No," she shouts back, "a pair of socks!"

      Tags:
      • Women
      • Police
      • Driving
      00
      Permalink
    • Where do you find giant snails?

      On the ends of their fingers.

      Tags:
      • Animal
      00
      Permalink
    • Woman: When you're finished with me, will my husband think I'm beautiful?

      Beautician: Maybe.

      Does he still drink a lot?

      Tags:
      • Women
      • Beauty
      • Alcohol
      • Husband
      00
      Permalink
    • A husband said to his wife, "No, I don't hate your relatives.

      In fact, I like your mother in Law better than I like mine."

      Tags:
      • Marriage
      00
      Permalink
    • A man comes home to find his wife packing her bags and asks her where she's going.

      "To Las Vegas. I found out there are men who will pay me $400 to do what I do to you for free."

      The man started packing his bags.

      "Where are you going?" she asked.

      "I'm going to Las Vegas with you. I want to see how you'll live on $800 a year."

      Tags:
      • Marriage
      00
      Permalink
    • A man went to the doctor complaining of insomnia.

      The doctor gave him a thorough examination, found absolutely nothing physically wrong with him, and then told him, "Listen, if you ever expect to cure your insomnia, you just have to stop taking your trouble to bed with you."

      "I know," said the man, "but I can't. My wife refuses to sleep alone."

      Tags:
      • Wife
      • Sleep
      • Doctor
      • Bedroom
      • Marriage
      00
      Permalink
    • Teacher: Shamu, go to the map and find North America.

      Shamu: Here it is!

      Teacher: Correct. Now, Ramu, who discovered America?

      Ramu: Shamu!

      Tags:
      • School
      • Teacher
      • Geography
      00
      Permalink
    • "Isn't the principal a dummy!" said a boy to a girl.

      "Say, do you know who I am?" asked the girl.

      "No."

      "I'm the principal's daughter."

      "And do you know who I am?" asked the boy.

      "No," she replied.

      "Thank goodness!"

      Tags:
      • School
      00
      Permalink
    • One day a Blonde went the doctor with a burn on her stomach.

      The doctor gasped and asked what happened. the Blonde told the doctor she put a lighter against her stomach.

      The doctor asked her why in the world she would do that. the blonde said "I was trying to burn calories."

      Tags:
      • Blonde
      • Doctor
      00
      Permalink
    • Having past almost 30 years, the same question still bothers him...

      Why he does not look alike his brothers and parents at all - every single one pretty and he so ugly.

      He summoned all his courage and decided to ask his mother: "Mom, tell me the truth please, I am adapted, aren't I?"

      The mother burst into tears and said: "Yes, my child! But it didn't work, they returned you back!"

      Tags:
      • Children
      00
      Permalink
    • A blonde walks into a restaurant to get some dinner, and while she's deciding on what she wants a waitress comes up.

      The blonde looks up and notices the waitress's name tag on her shirt.

      "Gee, that's nice.

      What did you name the other one?"

      Tags:
      • Blonde
      00
      Permalink
    • Why are fish so smart?

      Because they live in schools.

      Tags:
      • Animal
      00
      Permalink
    • What do Miss Muffet and Saddam Hussein have in common ?

      They both have Kurds in their Whey.

      Tags:
      • Military
      00
      Permalink
    • A woman come to a doctor, with bumps and bruising all over her body.

      The woman complains that it was her husband, who beat her.

      Doctor tells in surprise: "I thought your husband was out of town."

      "So did I..."

      Tags:
      • Marriage
      00
      Permalink
    • A blonde decides to join the military thinking she can meet a few guys.

      What is wrong with this joke?

      1. This isn't a joke

      2. The blonde is thinking

      Tags:
      • Blonde
      • Military
      00
      Permalink
    • 'My grandfather always said, "Don't watch your money; watch your health."

      So one day while I was watching my health, someone stole my money.

      It was my grandfather.'

      Tags:
      • Money
      00
      Permalink
    • What is a sheep's favorite sport?

      Baaasket baaall!

      Tags:
      • Sport
      00
      Permalink
    • What is height of Stupidity?

      A man looking through a keyhole of a glass door.

      Tags:
      • Men
      00
      Permalink
    • Hear about the new sushi bar that caters exclusively to lawyers?

      It's called Sosumi.

      Tags:
      • Lawyer
      00
      Permalink
    • A young woman walks into a bank to withdraw some money.

      'Can you identify yourself?' asked the bank clerk.

      The young woman opens her handbag, takes out a mirror, looks into it and says, 'Yes, it's me all right.'

      Tags:
      • Money
      00
      Permalink
    • First Caribou: Which bug does amazing motor cycle stunts?

      Second Caribou: Evel Boll Weevil.

      Tags:
      • Animal
      00
      Permalink
    • How do you recycle a condom?

      Turn it inside out and shake the fuck out of it.

      Tags:
      • Disgusting
      00
      Permalink
    • Why do mother kangaroos hate rainy days?

      Because then the children have to play inside.

      Tags:
      • Animal
      • Weather
      • Children
      00
      Permalink
    • What does Frosty's wife put on her face at night?

      Cold cream!

      Tags:
      • Wife
      • Beauty
      • Winter
      00
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    • A girl visited her boyfriend, which was still living with his mother, at his house.

      His mother had Puritan principals.

      The mother, as long as the girl was there, didn't even try to hide her dislike feelings for his son's choice.

      "Mom, can I escort Helen?"

      The girl, waiting to hear a cold hearted "no", she surprised hears: "Sure... You can! Escort her... to the corner with your eyes!"

      Tags:
      • Women
      00
      Permalink
    • What compliment do you NOT want from a midget?

      Wow! Your hair smells good!

      Tags:
      • Disgusting
      00
      Permalink
    • How did the blonde die at the baseball game?

      She drowned during the wave.

      Tags:
      • Blonde
      00
      Permalink
    • There were two blondes, and they had just came from a store.

      The blonde that owned the mustang had locked her keys in the car.

      She was trying to pick the lock when she stoped to rest for a second.

      When she sat down, her friend said, "Hurry up, it's starting to rain and the top's down!"

      Tags:
      • Blonde
      00
      Permalink
    • Why didn't the blonde want a window seat on the plane?

      She'd just blow dried her hair and she didn't want it blown around too much.

      Tags:
      • Blonde
      • Airplane
      00
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    • The bartender asks: "Would all three of you like some beer?"

      The first one replies, "I don't know."

      The second one replies, "I don't know either."

      The third replies, "Yes."

      Tags:
      • Bar
      • Beer
      • Math
      00
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    • A husband and wife are driving along when they see an injured skunk lying by the roadside.

      They decide to take it to a vet but don't have anything to carry it in.

      'Why not wrap it in your skirt?' suggests the husband.

      'What about the stink?' protests his wife.

      Her husband replies, 'It'll just have to get used to it.'

      Tags:
      • Marriage
      00
      Permalink
    • "Hi Liz! How's the big love of yours, James?"

      "It's over!"

      "Over? Why, what happened?"

      "We got married..."

      Tags:
      • Love
      • Marriage
      00
      Permalink
    • Wife comes out of a beauty salon and asks husband:

      "So, how do I look?"

      "Well, at least you tried..."

      Tags:
      • Wife
      • Beauty
      • Marriage
      00
      Permalink
    • Husband: I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to

      put in it.

      Wife: You wear briefs, don't you?

      Tags:
      • Marriage
      00
      Permalink
    • Three statisticians go out hunting together.

      After a while they spot a solitary rabbit.

      The first statistician takes aim and overshoots.

      The second aims and undershoots.

      The third shouts out "We got him!"

      Tags:
      • Math
      00
      Permalink
    • What fragrance makes you laugh?

      Essence of humor.

      00
      Permalink
    • A 90 year old women goes to the doctor.

      Dr I can't stop farting, sure they don't smell and make no noise but still I can't take it any more.

      Well take these pills every day and come back in a week.

      Dr what did you do to me not only am I still farting now they smell as well!

      Oh very well , now about your hearing...

      Tags:
      • Doctor
      • Old People
      00
      Permalink
    • A blonde walked up to a man and said, "Give me your wallet."

      The man said, "Okay, but give me the gun."

      The blonde gave him the gun and the man gave his wallet.

      The man used the gun to steal his wallet back.

      The blonde said, "You're an idiot...there's no bullets in the gun."

      The man replied, "You're the idiot...here's no money in the wallet."

      Tags:
      • Blonde
      00
      Permalink
    • A man came home from the bar with an unknown woman. He woke up in the morning and yelled,

      "A crocodile, a crocodile!"

      The woman woke up and asked,

      "Where, where?"

      A man cried again,

      "O-o-oh, the crocodile is talking!"

      Tags:
      • Bar
      • Women
      • Animal
      00
      Permalink
    • After years of scrimping and saving, a husband told his wife the good news:

      "Honey, we've finally saved enough money to buy what we started saving for in 1979."

      "You mean a brand-new Cadillac?" she asked eagerly.

      "No," said the husband, "a 1979 Cadillac."

      Tags:
      • Car
      • Wife
      • Husband
      • Old People
      00
      Permalink
    • "Oh, I sure am glad to see you," the little boy said to his grandmother (on his mother's side). "Now Daddy will do the trick he's been promising us."

      The grandmother was curious. "What trick is that?" she asked.

      "He told Mommy that he'd climb the walls if you came to visit," answered the boy.

      Tags:
      • Old People
      • mother in law
      00
      Permalink
    • Once a teacher asked one of her students to memorize the numbers from 1-10.

      And that night when he was memorizing he saw his mother drinking 7up, so the next day the teacher asked the student to say the numbers that he memorized so he replied," 1-2-3-4-5-6-8-9-10".

      The teacher was confused so she asked the student," Where is the 7" so he said," my mom drank it last night!"

      Tags:
      • Math
      • Family
      • Memory
      • Teacher
      00
      Permalink
    • Little Johnny returns from school and says:

      "Mam, in school we write dirty swear-words so often!"

      "But I hope you are not writing them, my son."

      "No, I'm dictating them!"

      Tags:
      • Family
      • School
      • Little Johnny
      00
      Permalink
    • A proud new father sits down with his dad to have a drink.

      "Well son, now that you have a son of your own its time I gave you something."

      "Dad you don't mea-"

      "Yes I do. You've earned it." Says the father as he passes a copy of '1001 Dad Jokes 5th Edition' to the son.

      "Dad I don't know what to say...I'm honored."

      "Hi honored," Replies the father. "I'm dad."

      Tags:
      • Father
      • Time
      • Alcohol
      • Old People
      00
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    • My dental hygienist is cute.

      Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby.

      Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon's appointments.

      Tags:
      • Food
      • Health
      • Dentist
      00
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    • Fan: "I see you won a silver medal at the Olympics. What's it for?¨"

      Athlete: "It's for telling knock knock jokes."

      Fan: "And what's that gold medal for?"

      Athlete: "For stopping."

      Tags:
      • Athlete
      00
      Permalink
    • What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?

      He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"

      And why did that upset you?

      My name is Susan.

      Tags:
      • Husband
      • Marriage
      00
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    • While my six-year-old daughter of the space age and I were reviewing some old photographs, we came across a picture of me when I was a captain in the Army Reserves.

      "Daddy, were you in a war?"

      "Yes," I fibbed, just to see what her reaction would be.

      Wide-eyed, she gasped, "Against what planet?"

      Tags:
      • Father
      • Military
      00
      Permalink
    • What do you get if you mix a rabbit and a snake?

      A jump rope!

      Tags:
      • Animal
      00
      Permalink
    • What is red and black?

      A sunburnt zebra.

      Tags:
      • Animal
      00
      Permalink
    • A patient to his friend: "I am taking rest cure."

      Friend: "What do you do?"

      Patient: "I sit every day for three hours in the waiting room of a very busy doctor."

      Tags:
      • Doctor
      00
      Permalink
    • Why is diarrhea hereditary?

      It runs in your genes.

      Tags:
      • Disgusting
      00
      Permalink
    • What did the sergeant tomato say to the slacker soldier tomato?

      "You better catch up!"

      00
      Permalink
    • There's this drunk standing out on the street corner, and a cop passes by, and says, "What do you think you're doing?"

      The drunk says, "I heard the world goes around every 24 hours, and I'm waiting on my house.

      Won't be long now, there goes my neighbor."

      Tags:
      • Alcohol
      00
      Permalink
    • What do you call a snake who works for the government?

      A civil serpent.

      Tags:
      • Animal
      • Politics
      00
      Permalink
    • A dog goes into a job centre and asks for employment.

      'Wow, a talking dog,' says the clerk.

      'With your talent I'm sure we can find you a job at the circus.'

      'The circus?' says the dog.

      'What does a circus want with a plumber?'

      Tags:
      • Animal
      00
      Permalink
    • Patrick left the pub after having too much to drink.

      He was taking the underground home.

      As he started to get on the escalator, he read the sign: 'Dogs must be carried on the escalator.'

      He shouted, 'Now where I am to find a dog after midnight?'

      Tags:
      • Alcohol
      00
      Permalink
    • A scientist and a philosopher were being chased by a hungry lion.

      The scientist made some quick calculations, he said "it's no good trying to outrun it, its catching up".

      The philosopher kept a little ahead and replied "I am not trying to outrun the lion, I am trying to outrun you !"

      Tags:
      • Animal
      00
      Permalink
    • Man: Is there any way for long life?

      Dr: Get married.

      Man: Will it help?

      Dr: No, but the thought of long life will never come.

      Tags:
      • Marriage
      00
      Permalink
    • Lady Astor to Winston Churchill: 'If you were my husband I'd poison your brandy.'

      Churchill: 'If you were my wife I'd drink it.'

      Tags:
      • Marriage
      00
      Permalink
    • The father with his daughter are taking a walk to a public place of their town;

      "Ann! Why are you so nervously looking around?" observes the father.

      "How else can I find you a really good son in law, dad?"

      Tags:
      • Father
      • Lawyer
      • Children
      00
      Permalink
    • What has 18 legs and catches flies?

      A baseball team.

      Tags:
      • Sport
      00
      Permalink
    • Father: In life you can never be certain about anything.

      Son: Really dad, are you sure?

      Father: I'm certain.

      Tags:
      • Family
      00
      Permalink
    • Two blonde football fans are walking along the road when one of them picks up a mirror.

      He looks in it and says, 'Hey, I know that person!'

      The second one picks it up and says, 'Of course you do, you idiot, it's me'.

      Tags:
      • Blonde
      • Football
      00
      Permalink
    • Why can't you take a turkey to church?

      Because they use such FOWL language.

      Tags:
      • Animal
      • Church
      00
      Permalink
    • Wilfred had just learned his abc's and was very scared of doing them in front of the class.

      The teacher, though, told him that the best way to conquer his fears would be to just go ahead and do it.

      So, trembling, he stood in front of the class and began.

      "ABCDEFGHIJLKMNOQRSTUVWXYZ."

      "Very good, Wilfred. But you forgot the P. Where's the P?"

      "It's running down my leg."

      Tags:
      • Children
      00
      Permalink
    • J: What did Miley Cyrus eat for Thanksgiving day?

      TWERKY!

      Tags:
      • Music
      • Celebrity
      • Thanksgiving
      00
      Permalink
    • Inside a Best Buy store.

      Customer: "Can you help me? I'm looking for a shredder."

      Coworker: "We have all types of shredders. What will you be shredding primarily?"

      Customer: "Collard greens."

      Tags:
      • Food
      • Customer Service
      00
      Permalink
    • Standing in line at a restaurant, I noticed that the few available tables left had not been cleaned off.

      I mentioned this to the cashier, who told the manager.

      A minute later, an annoyed-looking teen emerged from the back with a spray bottle and paper towels in hand.

      "All right," she bellowed clear across the crowded dining room, "which one of you people wanted a clean table?"

      Tags:
      • Food
      • Idiot
      • Manager
      00
      Permalink
    • What did the baby owl's parents say when he wanted to go to a party?

      "You're not owld enough."

      Tags:
      • Baby
      • Bird
      • Party
      00
      Permalink
    • One day a mom was cleaning junior's room and in the closet she found a bondage S&M; magazine.

      This was highly upsetting for her.

      She hid the magazine until his father got home and showed it to him.

      He looked at it and handed it back to her without a word.

      She finally asked him, "Well what should we do about this?"

      Dad looked at her and said, "Well I don't think you should spank him."

      Tags:
      • Children
      00
      Permalink
    • I was on the subway, sitting on a newspaper, and a guy comes over and asks "Are you reading that?" I didn't know what to say.

      So I said yes.

      I stood up, turned the page, and sat down again.

      Tags:
      • Men
      00
      Permalink
    • In the High Court:

      Do you know what you get for false testimony?

      Yes, they promised me a Mercedes...

      Tags:
      • Car
      • Lawyer
      00
      Permalink
    • A patient comes to a doctor, who asks him:

      - Do you smoke?

      - No.

      - Do you drink?

      - No.

      - Do you eat fast food?

      - No.

      - Don't worry, I'll find something anyways...

      Tags:
      • Doctor
      • Alcohol
      00
      Permalink
    • A man is talking to the tax inspector who's come to review his records.

      The inspector says, 'As a citizen you have an obligation to pay taxes, and we expect you to pay them with a smile.'

      'Thank God for that,' replies the man.

      'I thought you were going to ask for cash.'

      Tags:
      • Money
      00
      Permalink
    • The Perfect Man

      At a local coffee bar, a young woman was expounding on her idea of the perfect mate to some of her friends.

      "The man I marry must be a shining light amongst company.

      He must be musical.

      Tell jokes.

      Sing.

      And stay home at night!"

      An old granny overheard and spoke up, "Honey, if that's all you want,get a TV!"

      Tags:
      • Bar
      • Music
      • Alcohol
      • Technology
      00
      Permalink
    • It's my birthday today.

      My wife has said that shes going to make it my most special birthday ever...

      I wonder where shes going ?

      Tags:
      • Wife
      • Birthday
      • Marriage
      00
      Permalink
    • A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch.

      "I couldn't help noticing how happy you look," she said.

      "What's your secret for a long happy life?"

      "I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said.

      "I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise."

      "That's amazing," the woman said. "How old are you?"

      "Twenty-six," he said.

      Tags:
      • Alcohol
      • Old People
      00
      Permalink
    • What is a snake's favorite subject in school?

      Hissssstory.

      Tags:
      • Animal
      • School
      • history
      00
      Permalink
    • I think the best analogy for where we are right now is that America is Elvis Presley - the most beautiful, talented, rebellious nation in the history of Earth.

      And now, you're in your Vegas years.

      You've squeezed yourself into a white jumpsuit, you're wheezing your way through 'Love Me Tender' and you might be about to pass away bloated on the toilet.

      But you're still the King.

      Tags:
      • Music
      • Geography
      00
      Permalink
    • A client of a hospital where they made brain transplantations asked about the prices.

      The doctor said, "Well, this Ph.D. brain costs $10,000. This brain belonged to a NASA top scientist and costs $15,000. Here we have a policeman's brain as well. It costs $50,000."

      The client asked, "What? How's that possible?"

      The doctor replied, "You see, it's totally unused."

      Tags:
      • Police
      00
      Permalink
    • What would Princess Diana be doing if she were alive today?

      Clawing at the lid of her coffin.

      Tags:
      • Celebrity
      • Disgusting
      00
      Permalink
    • What not to say to the nice policeman?

      I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.

      Tags:
      • Military
      00
      Permalink
    • Why haven't they sent any women to the moon?

      Because it doesn't need cleaning yet.

      Tags:
      • Women
      • Travel
      00
      Permalink
    • A father and his son, Bobby, arrive at the local Rugby match and Dad can't find the tickets.

      Dad: "Nip home and see if I left the tickets there."

      Bobby: "No probs, Dad."

      Half an hour later Bobby returns to his dad who is patiently waiting outside the stadium.

      Bobby: "Yep, they're on the kitchen table where you left them."

      Tags:
      • Sport
      00
      Permalink
    • A man with pain on his right knee consulted his doctor.

      Doctor said: "It is nothing to worry about. It is due to old age."

      Patient: "The left knee is of the same age. But how is it that leg does not pain?"

      Tags:
      • Doctor
      • Old People
      00
      Permalink
    • Jack: "What's the name of the fastest dinosaur at the Olympics?"

      Jill: "I haven't a clue. What?"

      Jack: "Prontosaurus."

      Tags:
      • Athlete
      • Dinosaur
      00
      Permalink
    • An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman are wandering through the desert, hungry and hallucinating, when they come upon a rotting, dead camel.

      "Well," said the Englishman, "I support the Liverpool football club, so I'll eat the liver."

      "I support the Hearts club," said the Scotsman, "so I'll eat the heart."

      "I support Arsenal," said the Irishman, "but I seem to have lost my appetite."

      Tags:
      • Football
      • Disgusting
      00
      Permalink
    • A prominent lawyer calls a plumber to fix a leak in his shower.

      After about 25 minutes the plumber hands him a bill for $200.00.

      The lawyer, enraged, says:

      "I'm a famous trial lawyer, and even I don't make that kind of money for 25 minutes work!"

      "Neither did I when I was a lawyer", says the plumber.

      Tags:
      • Time
      • Money
      • Lawyer
      00
      Permalink
    • Games for when we are older:

      1) Sag, You're it.

      2) Pin the Toupee on the bald guy.

      3) 20 questions shouted into your good ear.

      4) Kick the bucket.

      5) Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over.

      6) Doc Doc Goose.

      7) Simon says something incoherent.

      8) Hide and go pee.

      9) Spin the Bottle of Mylanta.

      10) Musical recliners.

      Tags:
      • Old People
      00
      Permalink
    • The girl says to the guy; "Honest to God, tell me what you think... Can anyone love me?"

      "Yeah, for sure..."

      "And then... What are you waiting for...?"

      Tags:
      • God
      • Love
      • Women
      00
      Permalink
    • Who sings "Blue Christmas" and makes toy guitars?

      Elfis!

      Tags:
      • Elf
      • Music
      • Christmas
      00
      Permalink
    • Santa rides in a sleigh.

      What do elves ride in?

      Mini vans!

      Tags:
      • Car
      • Elf
      • Santa
      • Travel
      00
      Permalink
    • A kid asks his father:

      Kid: Daddy why do I have to go to bed?

      Dad: Because the bed won't come to you.

      Tags:
      • Father
      • Children
      00
      Permalink
    • Why does a dog stay in a shadow.

      Because it doesn't want to be a Hotdog.

      Tags:
      • Animal
      00
      Permalink
    • It's 4:04.

      Do you know where your auditor is?

      Tags:
      • Time
      • Accountant
      00
      Permalink
    • Having gone to his secretary's apartment, Mr. Biggs was astonished to wake up and find that it was three in the morning.

      "My God!" he shouted, "My wife is going to kill me!"

      Unsure of how he would explain it, he ran to the nearest pay phone and called his wife.

      "Honey!" he began, "Don't call the cops and don't pay the ransom."

      "I escaped!"

      Tags:
      • Police
      00
      Permalink
    • The schoolteacher was taking her first golfing lesson.

      "Is the word spelt p-u-t or p-u-t-t?" she asked the instructor.

      "P-u-t-t is correct," he replied.

      "Put means to place a thing where you want it.

      Putt means merely a vain attempt to do the same thing."

      Tags:
      • Golf
      • Sport
      00
      Permalink
    • A doctor is speaking to a patient after an examination, 'There are two reasons for your poor health, it's entirely due to drinking and smoking.'

      'That's a relief,' replies the patient.

      'I thought you were going to say it was my fault.'

      Tags:
      • Alcohol
      00
      Permalink
    • A teacher asked a student to write 55.

      Student asked: How?

      Teacher: Write 5 and beside it another 5!

      The student wrote 5 and stopped.

      Teacher: What are you waiting for?

      Student: I don't know which side to write the other 5!

      Tags:
      • Math
      • School
      • Student
      • Teacher
      • Idiot
      00
      Permalink
    • Jesus enters a command, and the screen comes to life in a vivid display, an angelic chorus pouring from the speakers.

      Satan is astonished, 'How did he manage that?'

      God replies, 'You might have lost everything, but Jesus saves.'

      Tags:
      • Technology
      00
      Permalink
    • A husband and wife are eating soup.

      The wife spills soup all over her and says:

      "Oh no, I look like a pig"

      "Yes and you also have soup all over you!"

      Tags:
      • Food
      • Wife
      • Animal
      • Husband
      • Marriage
      00
      Permalink
    • Coach: Your roommate and the captain of the team reported that you have many bad words for me in your sleep!

      So do you abuse me in your sleep!

      Football Player: Coach, It is just not true!

      Coach: What is not true, I trust the captain and I am asking this in front of him!

      Football player: Coach, It is untrue that I was sleeping!

      Tags:
      • Sport
      • Football
      00
      Permalink
    • The newlywed wife said to her husband when he returned from work, "I have great news for you.

      Pretty soon, we're going to be three in this house instead of two."

      Her husband ran to her with a smile on his face and delight in his eyes.

      He was glowing of happiness and kissing his wife when she said, "I'm glad that you feel this way since tomorrow morning, my mother moves in with us."

      Tags:
      • Wife
      • Work
      • Husband
      • Marriage
      00
      Permalink
    • More than anything, Bob wanted to be a cowpoke.

      Taking pity on him, a rancher decided to hire the lad and give him a chance.

      "This," he said, showing him a rope, "is a lariat. We use it to catch cows."

      "I see," said Bob, trying to seem knowledgeable as he examined the lariat. "And what do you use for bait?"

      Tags:
      • Animal
      00
      Permalink
    • A gent is sitting alone at the bar in Caesers Palace.

      A Jewish hooker comes over to him and asks him if he would like some company.

      "How much, honey?"

      "$800."

      "800???"

      "Are you crazy? Every other woman that came over wanted $400!"

      The Jewish hooker thought about it for a second and then replied, "Ok, I'll do it for $400, but I want you to know I'm not making anything on it!"

      Tags:
      • Alcohol
      00
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    • Wife complains husband,

      "When I'm crossing the dark forest when I'm coming back home

      I'm scared that someone will rape me."

      "Don't worry" answers husband, "you wouldn't be so lucky..."

      Tags:
      • Marriage
      00
      Permalink
    • A woman called the Colorado State Division of Wildlife regarding a snake in her backyard.

      "Can you tell me what kind it is?" she asked.

      "Can you describe it?" I asked.

      "Yes," she said. "It's long and thin."

      Tags:
      • Weather
      • Geography
      • Idiot
      • Customer Service
      00
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    • A man was fishing in the jungle.

      After a while another angler came to join him.

      "Have you had any bites?" asked the second man.

      "Yes, lots," replied the first one, "but they were all mosquitoes."

      00
      Permalink
    • What is so ironic about Atheists?

      They're always talking about God.

      Tags:
      • God
      • Atheist
      00
      Permalink
    • A blonde walks into a doctor's office and says, "Doc, I'm horribly sick!"

      The doctor looks at her and asks, "Flu?"

      "No, I drove here."

      Tags:
      • Blonde
      • Doctor
      00
      Permalink
    • Why do Retirees smile all the time?

      Because they can't hear a word you're saying!

      Tags:
      • Time
      • Old People
      00
      Permalink
    • Why don't giraffes like fast food?

      Because they can't catch it!

      Tags:
      • Animal
      00
      Permalink
    • If a four-legged animal is a quadruped and a two-legged animal is a biped.

      What's a tiger?

      A stri-ped.

      Tags:
      • Animal
      00
      Permalink
    • Waiter, what is this stuff?

      That's bean salad sir.

      I know what it's been, but what is it now?

      00
      Permalink
    • Teacher: "What is seven Q plus three Q?"

      Student: "Ten Q"Teacher: "You're Welcome."

      Tags:
      • School
      00
      Permalink
    • An advertisement:

      I change 40-year-old wife to two 20-years-old ones.

      Do not offer four 10-year-old ones.

      Tags:
      • Men
      • Wife
      00
      Permalink
    • What did the blonde say when she was offered a position at the UN?

      Would that be a "missionary position?"

      Tags:
      • Blonde
      00
      Permalink
    • What did the dentist say to the computer?

      This won't hurt a byte

      Tags:
      • Technology
      • Nerd
      • Dentist
      • Computer
      00
      Permalink
    • Lisa needs brain surgery and figures its easier to buy a new brain.

      She asks the doctor what he has on sale.

      "Well you're in luck I have two in stock, a man's brain for $1000, and a woman's for $100."

      Surprised she asks why the price difference?

      "Generally women brains run cheaper because they come to us used!"

      Tags:
      • Women
      00
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    • CEO frequently overheard mumbling, "Eeny, meeny, miney, moe."

      Windows XP shutdown screen reads, "It is Now Safe to Start Looking for Work."

      Company softball team downsized to chess team.

      Company president now driving a Hyundai.

      Giant yard sale in front of corporate headquarters.

      Tags:
      • Technology
      • Car
      • Work
      • Business
      • Manager
      00
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    • A student to his teacher: "I haven't got no pencil."

      Teacher, correcting him: "You don't have any pencil.

      He doesn't have any pencils.

      We don't have any pencils."

      Student, with a look of astonishment: "Where have all the pencils gone?"

      Tags:
      • School
      • Student
      • Teacher
      00
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    • A man and his son went into a store.

      The kid picked a USA flag and told his dad: "Dad, I want this flag."

      The man tells him: "Nah, this looks too bright. Check if it's available in a different color."

      Tags:
      • Father
      • Children
      • Idiot
      00
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    • Two friends were out drinking when suddenly one lurched backward off his barstool and lay motionless on the floor.

      'One thing about Jim,' his buddy said to the bartender.

      'He knows when to stop.'

      Tags:
      • Alcohol
      00
      Permalink
    • A man walks into a bar and orders a triple brandy with a double whisky chaser.

      'You know I shouldn't really be drinking like this with what I've got,' says the man to the barman.

      'Why? What have you got?' asks the barman. 'Fifty pence,' replies the man.

      Tags:
      • Money
      00
      Permalink
    • There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest..

      He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win.

      Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

      Tags:
      • Men
      00
      Permalink
    • A policeman stops two drunks and asks one, "Where do you live?"

      "Nowhere", the first drunk replied.

      "And where do you live?", he asks the other.

      "We're neighbours."

      Tags:
      • Police
      00
      Permalink
    • Pet Owner: "Every time a bell rings, my dog goes and sits in the corner."

      Vet: "That's perfectly normal; he's a boxer."

      Tags:
      • Dog
      • Animal
      00
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    • Two protons walk into the bar and run into each other.

      One of them falls down.

      "Are you OK?" asks the other.

      "I think so," says the proton.

      "You sure?" the other asks.

      "Yeah," says the proton..."I'm positive."

      Tags:
      • Alcohol
      00
      Permalink
    • What did the apple say to the worm?

      You're boring me.

      Tags:
      • Animal
      00
      Permalink
    • A worker approaches his employer and holds up his last wage packet.

      'This is two hundred pounds short,' he says. 'I know,' says the employer.

      'But last week I overpaid you two hundred pounds, and you didn't say anything.'

      'Well,' says the worker.

      'I don't mind an occasional mistake.

      But when it gets to be a habit, I feel I have to call it to your attention.'

      Tags:
      • Money
      00
      Permalink
    • Man, to friend, 'My wife makes terrible demands for money.

      Two weeks ago she asked for £50.

      Last week she wanted £100, and yesterday it was £150.'

      Friend, 'What does she do with it all?' Man, 'I don't know.

      I never give her any.'

      Tags:
      • Money
      00
      Permalink
    • What do you call a fake noodle?

      An Impasta

      Tags:
      • Children
      00
      Permalink
    • Two men were boasting to each other about their old army days.

      "Why, my outfit was so well drilled," declared one,

      "that when they presented arms all you could hear was slap, slap, click."

      "Very good," conceded the other, "but when my company presented arms you'd just hear slap, slap, jingle."

      "What was the jingle?" asked the first. "Oh," replied the other offhand, "just our medals."

      Tags:
      • Military
      00
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    • A demon died and was asked by god what he wanted to become in his next life.

      The demon said "I wish to become good in my next life. I want to be as pure and white as an angel and also have angel wings... But I still want to drink blood."

      So god turned him into a maxi pad.

      Tags:
      • God
      • Disgusting
      00
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    • There was a guy that was sick he went to the doctor and said "Doctor I have a fever"

      The doctor said, "you will have to take 4 spoons of the medicine."

      The sick one said, "but doctor, I only have 3 spoons what shall I do?"

      Tags:
      • Doctor
      00
      Permalink
    • One day Adam and his parents were at the mall.

      Adams mum gave him a $5 note and sent him on his way.

      He got a bag of chips and a drink.

      He went outside and his mum and dad weren't there.

      Tags:
      • Food
      • Money
      • Family
      • Children
      00
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    • A young lawyer was working on a farmer's case, which asked compensation from the train company because one of they're trains killed 24 pigs of his.

      At the High Court, wanting to make impression of the damage amount, the lawyer says:

      There were 24 pigs gentlemen!

      Twice as much than you!

      Tags:
      • Animal
      • Lawyer
      00
      Permalink
    • Pull on a coworker is to press ctrl+print screen on their workstation, then paste it into Paint, save the pic, and set it as the desktop background.

      Move all of their icons to the trash.

      When they get back to their desk, clicking won't accomplish anything!

      Tags:
      • Office
      • Computer
      • April fools
      00
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    • Donald Trump and Vladimir Putin are having dinner.

      Trump orders a steak, and Putin orders the roast duck.

      The waiter, however, gets their plates mixed up.

      Trump does not wait, but rather just starts digging in.

      "Wow," Putin says. "Your hands make my duck look bigger."

      Tags:
      • Duck
      • Food
      • Politics
      00
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    • For all those men who say, "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free".

      Here's an update for you.

      Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage, why?

      Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire

      Pig, just to get a little sausage...

      Tags:
      • Women
      00
      Permalink
    • I got home to see my two months pregnant wife crouched in the bathroom crying.

      Her red, smudged eyes looked at me as she told me she'd lost the baby.

      I told the silly thing not to be so upset, I could clearly see it in the toilet.

      Tags:
      • Wife
      • Pregnancy
      • Disgusting
      00
      Permalink
    • A man calls into the police station and says, "My wife is missing."

      The officer asks, "How long has she been gone?"

      "A month."

      "Why did you wait so long to report it?"

      "Well, until yesterday I thought it was just a dream, then I realized I didn't have any clean clothes to wear."

      Tags:
      • Wife
      • Police
      • Marriage
      00
      Permalink
    • Ted said to his friend, 'can you lend me $10?'

      'But I only have $8,' his friend replied.

      That's OK, you can always owe me the other $2!

      Tags:
      • Money
      00
      Permalink
    • There's a blonde. She enters a laughing contest.

      There's 10 levels to the contest. She gets to the 9th level and bursts into laughter.

      The host asks her "Why did you laugh, you could have won."

      The blonde reply's, "I finally got the first joke."

      Tags:
      • Blonde
      00
      Permalink
    • A blonde buys a used sports car.

      However, during the first joy ride, the engine jerks and the car slows to a stop.

      The blonde calls a tow truck.

      The mechanic sets to work, and 10 minutes later, the car is running again.

      "What was the matter?" she asks.

      "Simple really, just shit in the carburetor" he replies.

      Taken aback she asks, "Oh, how many times a week do I have to put that in?"

      Tags:
      • Car
      • Blonde
      • Mechanic
      • Disgusting
      00
      Permalink
    • There's a senior citizen driving on the highway.

      His wife calls him on his cell phone and in a worried voice says, "George, be careful!

      I just heard on the radio that there was a madman driving the wrong way on Route 110!"

      George says, "I know, but there isn't just one, there are hundreds!"

      Tags:
      • Wife
      • Driving
      • Idiot
      • Telephone
      • Old People
      00
      Permalink
    • "What are you doing there?"

      "I'm making something."

      "What are you making?"

      "A bomb."

      "Can I help?"

      "Impossible. It's a nuclear one..."

      Tags:
      • Work
      • Science
      00
      Permalink
    • The organizers of the concert complain to the conductor of a choir:

      You were supposed to bring a mixed choir, but I can see only men here.

      But it is a mixed choir – half of them know how to sing, and the other half- do not.

      00
      Permalink
    • What kind of doctor does a duck visit?

      A Ducktor.

      Tags:
      • Duck
      • Doctor
      00
      Permalink
    • Why won't sharks attack lawyers?

      Professional courtesy.

      Tags:
      • Lawyer
      00
      Permalink
    • Two old guys from a senior center were sipping lemonade on the porch when one asks the other, "Ralph, I'm 92 years old and even my aches have pains.

      You must be close to my age.

      How are you feeling?"

      Ralph says, "Like a brand new baby."

      "No kidding! Like a brand new baby?"

      "Yep.

      No teeth, no hair, and wet diapers."

      Tags:
      • Old People
      00
      Permalink
    • Two blondes drive through the middle of Kansas, surrounded entirely by wheat fields.

      One blonde says, "Look over there!"

      They see another blonde in scuba gear acting like she's swimming through the wheat.

      The blonde driving says, "It's girls like that who give us blondes a bad name."

      The other blonde says, "Yeah! And if I knew how to swim, I'd go out there and tell her off."

      Tags:
      • Blonde
      00
      Permalink
    • What do you call an empty jar of Cheez Whiz?

      Cheez Whuz.

      Tags:
      • Food
      00
      Permalink
    • Two undercover police officers assigned to the organized crime unit were overlooking a bloody mob hit scene.

      The victim had six gun shot wounds to the back of the head.

      One cop looks at the other and utters, "Worst case of suicide I've ever seen."

      Tags:
      • Police
      00
      Permalink
    • At recent trade talks the American representative offered to sell sophisticated American telephone technology to the Russians.

      American : "In the United States, anyone can pick up any phone and dial 9-1-1.

      This will record the call and connect them with the police."

      Russian : "In Russia we don't require that you dial anything."

      Tags:
      • Russia
      • Telephone
      00
      Permalink
    • A junior partner in a law firm is sent to represent a client accused of murder.

      After a long trial, the case is won and the client acquitted.

      The young lawyer telegraphs his firm with the message, 'Justice prevailed'.

      The senior partner telegraphs back, 'Appeal immediately'.

      Tags:
      • Lawyer
      00
      Permalink
    • I see a blonde walking down the street with a rope tied around her waist and I ask,

      "Why do you have a rope tied around your waist?"

      And the blonde says,

      "Because I'm trying to commit suicide."

      I ask,

      "why don't you just tie it around your neck?"

      She says,

      "I already tried that but I couldn't breathe."

      Tags:
      • Blonde
      00
      Permalink
    • It was a really hot day and this blonde decided she would go buy a coke.

      She went to the coke machine and when she put her money in, a coke came out - so she kept putting money in.

      And since it was such a hot day, a line had formed behind her.

      Finally, a guy on line said, "Will you hurry up? We're all hot and thirsty!"

      And the blonde said, "No way. I'm still winning!"

      Tags:
      • Blonde
      00
      Permalink
    • How do you make a tissue dance?

      Put a little boogey in it!

      Tags:
      • Music
      • Children
      00
      Permalink
    • An English professor complained to the pet shop proprietor, "The parrot I purchased uses improper language."

      "I'm surprised," said the owner.

      "I've never taught that bird to swear."

      "Oh, it isn't that," explained the professor.

      "But yesterday I heard him split an infinitive."

      Tags:
      • School
      00
      Permalink
    • A man goes to a $10 hooker and contracts crabs from her.

      When he goes back to complain, the hooker laughs and says, "What do you expect for $10 - lobster?"

      Tags:
      • Money
      00
      Permalink
    • A boy with a physical disability has just returned from a summer camp.

      His mum with an astonished face notices a diploma dancing for 1st place at the bottom of the boy's luggage.

      Mum: "Jimmy, did you dance with a girl?"

      Boy: "Nouuu."

      Mum: "Did you dance with a boy then?"

      Boy: "No, mum."

      Mum: "So how did you get it?"

      Boy: "I went to take some tea."

      Tags:
      • Health
      • Idiot
      00
      Permalink
    • Stupid?

      He wanted to be a farmer.

      So he studied pharmacy.

      Tags:
      • Men
      00
      Permalink
    • Why did God make snakes just before lawyers?

      To practice.

      Tags:
      • Lawyer
      00
      Permalink
    • A desperate man enters a bar and says:

      All the lawyers are stupid!!!

      From a table a solid man rises up and goes to the desperate man:

      Take that back!

      Why? Are you a lawyer?

      No, I'm stupid...

      Tags:
      • Bar
      • Lawyer
      00
      Permalink
    • What's the difference between pea soup and roast beef?

      Anyone can roast beef.

      Tags:
      • Food
      • Disgusting
      00
      Permalink
    • A man walks into a pub and sits down next to a man with a dog at his feet.

      "Does your dog bite?"

      "No."

      A few minutes later the dog takes a huge chunk out of his leg.

      "I thought you said your dog didn't bite!" the man says indignantly.

      "That's not my dog."

      Tags:
      • Alcohol
      00
      Permalink
    • There was a man who had at least four to five drinks of whisky every day of his adult life.

      When he died, they cremated him, and it took two days to put out the fire!

      Tags:
      • Alcohol
      00
      Permalink
    • A man goes into a pub and says, 'I'd like something tall, icy and full of gin.'

      The barman turns and shouts into the kitchen, 'Oi, Doris!

      Someone to see you!'

      Tags:
      • Alcohol
      00
      Permalink
    • "Doctor, please hurry. My son swallowed a razor-blade."

      "Don't panic, I'm coming immediately. Have you done anything yet?"

      "Yea, I shaved with the electric razor."

      Tags:
      • Doctor
      00
      Permalink
    • Yesterday I was at the hairdresser to cut my hair.

      The cutting of the hair costs 3 Euros but I had only 1 Euro.

      So I have asked the hairdresser if she will cut my hair also for 1 Euro?

      She said yes, so I was glad.

      Ok, it is not perfect, one side of my head is cut a little bit more than the other one, maybe I look a bit weird, but nobody is perfect.

      Tags:
      • Ugly
      • Money
      • Beauty
      00
      Permalink
    • "Mommy, all the kids at school say I'm a werewolf! Is that true?"

      "No, of course not.

      Now shut up and comb your face."

      Tags:
      • Animal
      • School
      00
      Permalink
    • The fastest dialog in the world:

      (Bathroom door is opening)

      Man inside: Heyyy!

      Man outside: Sorryyy!

      00
      Permalink
    • "If there are any idiots in the room, will they please stand up" said the sarcastic teacher.

      After a long silence, one freshman rose to his feet.

      "Now then, mister, why do you consider yourself an idiot?" enquired the teacher with a sneer.

      "Well, actually I don't," said the student, "but I

      hate to see you standing up there all by yourself."

      Tags:
      • School
      00
      Permalink
    • It had been snowing for hours when an announcement came over the intercom:

      "Will the students who are parked on University Drive please move their cars so that we may begin plowing.

      " Twenty minutes later there was another announcement:

      "Will the nine hundred students who went to move fourteen cars return to class."

      Tags:
      • Car
      • School
      • Student
      • Weather
      00
      Permalink
    • William: May I have some money for the man crying outside ?

      Mum: What crying man ?

      William: The one that's crying, 'Ice cream! Ice Cream !'

      Tags:
      • Food
      • Money
      00
      Permalink
    • My grandfather always said, "Don't watch your money; watch your health."

      So one day while I was watching my health, someone stole my money.

      It was my grandfather.

      Tags:
      • Old People
      00
      Permalink
    • A man goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor, wherever I touch, it hurts."

      The doctor asks, "What do you mean?"

      The man says, "When I touch my shoulder, it really hurts. If I touch my knee - OUCH! When I touch my forehead, it really, really hurts."

      The doctor says, "I know what's wrong with you. You've broken your finger!"

      Tags:
      • Men
      00
      Permalink
    • Why are hangovers better than women?

      Hangovers will go away.

      Tags:
      • Women
      00
      Permalink
    • A woman and her little girl were visiting the grave of the little girl's grandmother.

      On their way through the cemetery back to the car, the little girl asked, "Mommy, do they ever bury two people in the same grave?"

      "Of course not, dear," replied the mother, "Why would you think that?"

      "The tombstone back there said... 'Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.'"

      Tags:
      • Lawyer
      00
      Permalink
    • What's brown and taps on the window?

      A baby in a microwave!

      Tags:
      • Baby
      • Disgusting
      00
      Permalink
    • John: Knock, knock.

      Justin: Who's there?

      John: Gladys.

      Justin: Gladys, who?

      John: Gladys the weekend - no homework!

      Tags:
      • School
      00
      Permalink
    • What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?

      A teacher.

      Tags:
      • School
      • Teacher
      00
      Permalink
    • 'Is your baby a boy or a girl?'

      'Of course.

      What else could it be?'

      Tags:
      • Children
      00
      Permalink
    • Teacher: Daniel, I've had to send you to the principal every day this week.

      What do you have to say for yourself?

      Daniel: I'm glad it's Friday!

      Tags:
      • School
      00
      Permalink
    • What is the best way to keep dogs out of the street?

      Put them in a barking lot.

      Tags:
      • Children
      00
      Permalink
    • The absent-minded teacher paused to chat awhile with one of her students, then asked, "Which way was I going when I stopped to talk to you?"

      "That way", the student pointed.

      "Good," said the teacher, "then I've had my lunch."

      Tags:
      • School
      • Teacher
      00
      Permalink
    • A woman goes into an antique shop and says to the owner, "when I was in here last week I saw a big mug with a flat head that holds a lot of beer. I'd like to buy it."

      "Sorry," replied the owner, "but I can't sell you that."

      "Why not" asked the customer?

      "Because that's my husband."

      Tags:
      • Beer
      • Husband
      • Marriage
      00
      Permalink
    • How far can a rabbit run into the woods?

      Halfway.

      After that she's running out of the woods.

      Tags:
      • Animal
      00
      Permalink
    • Jose approaches the Mexican border on his bicycle.

      Hanging from his shoulders he has two large, bulky bags.

      The border patrol guard stops him and says,"Hey mister what ya got in those bags?"

      "Just sand," replied Jose.

      Tags:
      • Men
      00
      Permalink
    • A couple come across a wishing well.

      The husband leans over, makes a wish and throws in a penny.

      The wife makes a wish too, but she leans over too far, falls into the well and drowns.

      The husband says, 'Wow!

      It really works!'

      Tags:
      • Marriage
      00
      Permalink
    • What's the worst thing you're likely to find in the school cafeteria?

      The Food!

      Tags:
      • School
      00
      Permalink
    • If marriage is terrific what is divorce?

      Ten thousand!

      Tags:
      • Money
      • Divorce
      • Marriage
      00
      Permalink
    • A woman applies for a job in a lemon grove.

      'Have you got any experience picking lemons?' asks the foreman.

      'I certainly have,' says the woman.

      'I've been married four times.'

      Tags:
      • Marriage
      00
      Permalink
    • A pick pocket was up in court for a series of petty crimes.

      The judge said "Mr. Banks you are hereby fined $100."

      The lawyer stood up and said "Thanks, my lord, however my client only has $75 on him at this time, but if you'd allow him a few minutes in the crowd. . ."

      Tags:
      • Money
      • Lawyer
      00
      Permalink
    • Two deaf men were in a coffee shop discussing their wives.

      One signs to the other, boy was my wife mad at me last night!

      She went on and on and wouldn't stop!

      The other Buddy says when my wife goes off on me I just don't listen.

      How do you do that? Says the other.

      It's easy! I turn off the light!

      Tags:
      • Wife
      • Marriage
      00
      Permalink
    • Three guys, stranded on a desert island, find a magic lantern containing a genie, who grants them each one wish.

      The first guy wishes he was off the island and back home.

      The second guy wishes the same.

      The third guy says "I'm lonely. I wish my friends were back here."

      Tags:
      • Genie
      • Friend
      • Desert Island
      00
      Permalink
    • How do you get a zombie baby into a bowl?

      A blender.

      How do you get them out?

      Doritos.

      Tags:
      • Baby
      • Disgusting
      00
      Permalink
    • How do you find a man in a bar who is sensitive, caring and good looking?

      He's nursing a Mike's Hard Lemonade and is acting super super gay!

      Tags:
      • Alcohol
      00
      Permalink
    • This hillbilly is traveling across Texas when a state policeman pulls him over.

      "You got any I.D.?" the patrolman asked.

      "'Bout what?" the hillbilly replied.

      Tags:
      • Police
      00
      Permalink
    • Why are there no brunette jokes?

      Because blondes would have to think them up.

      Tags:
      • Blonde
      00
      Permalink
    • A policeman has just stopped a drunk driver and given him a breathalyser test.

      'I'm sorry, sir,' says the policeman.

      'But this bag tells me you've been drinking too much.'

      'What a coincidence!' exclaims the driver.

      'I've got a bag at home that does the exactly the same thing!'

      Tags:
      • Alcohol
      00
      Permalink
    • A woman is chatting with her friends when she points at a man in the street, 'That's my next door neighbour. He's an alcoholic!'

      One of her friends asks, 'How do you know that?'

      The woman replies, 'Yesterday he was at the bar drinking next to me all night.'

      Tags:
      • Alcohol
      00
      Permalink
    • What is the difference between Cheerios and Georgia Tech?

      Cheerios belong in a bowl.

      Tags:
      • Sport
      00
      Permalink
    • An English teacher asked her class to write an essay on what they'd do if they had a million dollars.

      Alec handed in a blank sheet of paper.

      'Alec!' yelled the teacher, 'you've done nothing. Why?'

      'Because if I had a million dollars, that's exactly what I would do!'

      Tags:
      • Money
      • Teacher
      00
      Permalink
    • Two lawyers are walking down the road when they see a beautiful woman walking towards them.

      'What a babe,' one says.

      'I'd sure like to screw her!'

      'Really?' replies the other.

      'Out of what?'

      Tags:
      • Lawyer
      00
      Permalink
    • A Woman asks a Waiter What is this fly doing in my Ice cream?

      The waiter says, "SHIVERING MADAM".

      Tags:
      • Women
      00
      Permalink
    • A bus conductor asks a drunk for his ticket.

      He goes through all his pockets but can't find it.

      'It's okay,' says the conductor.

      'I'm sure you paid.'

      'Never mind that,' says the drunk.

      'If I can't find it how am I supposed to know where I'm going?'

      Tags:
      • Alcohol
      00
      Permalink
    • A loan shark asks a lawyers advice:

      How can I get back my $1,000 from Johnny if I lost my loan receipt?

      Send a letter where you will write to him to send you the $2,000 he owns you.

      Ok but I only loaned him $1,000!

      That's the idea, we want to get from hem a proof that he owns you $1,000...

      Tags:
      • Lawyer
      00
      Permalink
    • I've been very depressed lately.

      My wife's threatened to leave me.

      But even that hasn't cheered me up.

      Tags:
      • Alcohol
      00
      Permalink
    • A 2006 study found that the average American walks about 900 miles a year.

      Another recent study found that Americans drink an average of 22 gallons of beer a year.

      That means, on average, Americans get about 41 miles per gallon.

      Not bad.

      Tags:
      • Alcohol
      00
      Permalink
    • Things have reached crisis point in Beryl's marriage.

      'If things are so bad,' her friend advises her.

      'Then you should leave your husband.'

      'I would,' says Beryl.

      'If only I could think of a way of doing it that wouldn't make him happy.'

      Tags:
      • Marriage
      00
      Permalink
    • Why do they say elephants never forget?

      They haven't met Alberto Gonzalez.

      Tags:
      • Memory
      • Elephant
      • Politics
      • Republican
      00
      Permalink
    • Why can't lawyers do NMR?

      Bar magnets have poor homogeneity.

      Tags:
      • Nerd
      • Nerd
      • Chemistry
      00
      Permalink
    • A wife tells her husband:

      "We never go out anywhere..."

      "Great, tomorrow I will be going to through our the garbage, you may join me..."

      Tags:
      • Wife
      • Husband
      • Marriage
      00
      Permalink
    • A man is on his deathbed.

      'Grant me one last wish, my dear,' he gasps pitifully to his wife.

      'Six months after I die I want you to marry Joe.'

      'But I thought you hated Joe,' says his wife.

      'I do,' says the man.

      Tags:
      • Marriage
      00
      Permalink
    • Two bloggers chatting:

      Mom: Son, it's snowing so nice.

      Son: Where, Give me the link please.

      Tags:
      • Technology
      00
      Permalink
    • "I hope you didn't take it personally, Father," an embarrassed woman said after a church service, "when my husband walked out during your sermon."

      "I did find it rather disconcerting," the vicar replied.

      "It's not a reflection on you, Father" insisted the church goer.

      "Christopher has been walking in his sleep ever since he was a child."

      Tags:
      • Marriage
      00
      Permalink
    • A lady goes into a bar with her goose.

      Then the bartender comes up to her and says, "Why did you have to bring the pig in with you?"

      Then the lady answered, "Excuse me, I think this is a goose."

      And the bartender says, "Excuse me, I was talking to the goose."

      Tags:
      • Bar
      • Women
      • Animal
      • Insulting
      00
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    • Boy: "Isn't the principal a dummy!"

      Girl: "Say, do you know who I am?"

      Boy: "No."

      Girl: "I'm the principal's daughter."

      Boy: "And do you know who I am?"

      Girl: "No,"

      Boy: "Thank goodness!"

      Tags:
      • School
      00
      Permalink
    • A man comes home from work early to find his blonde wife in bed with three men.

      Completely shocked, he shouts, "Hello, Hello, Hello!"

      The blonde whines, "What? No hello for me?"

      Tags:
      • Marriage
      00
      Permalink
    • Luke: Why did the M&M; go to school?

      Stan: I'm stumped.

      Luke: Because he really wanted to be a Smartie!

      Tags:
      • School
      00
      Permalink
    • Fishing rule #1: The least experienced fisherman always catches the biggest fish.

      Fishing rule #2: The worse your line is tangled, the better is the fishing around you.

      Fishing rule #3: Fishing will do a lot for a man but it won't make him truthful.

      Tags:
      • Fish
      • Sport
      00
      Permalink
    • Why did the cat sleep with a fan on?

      He wanted to be a cool cat.

      Tags:
      • Children
      00
      Permalink
    • A wife returns late at night back home.

      "Where have you been?" asks her husband.

      "With a friend. But don't worry, there were no men."

      One day later the husband returns back home late.

      "Don't worry; I was also with a friend. And there were no men either..."

      Tags:
      • Wife
      • Husband
      • Marriage
      00
      Permalink
    • At an exhibition of military painting a visitor was admiring a picture.

      "What a great realist that painter is!" he exclaimed.

      "What painter?"

      "The one that painted this picture 'Soldiers at Work'."

      "Yes, hut something is wrong there. Those soldiers aren't working at all!"

      "That is just the greatest stroke of realism in the picture!"

      Tags:
      • Work
      • Military
      00
      Permalink
    • What do you call an alligator in a vest?

      An Investigator

      Tags:
      • Animal
      00
      Permalink
    • A preacher goes into a bar and says "Anybody who wants to go to heaven, stand up."

      Everybody stands up except for a drunk in the corner.

      The preacher says "My son, don't you want to go to heaven when you die?"

      The drunk says "When I die?

      Sure.

      I thought you were taking a load up now."

      Tags:
      • Bar
      • Drunk
      • Heaven
      • Alcohol
      00
      Permalink
    • A stewardess approaches a passenger on a flight.

      'Would you care for an orange juice, sir?'

      The passenger replies, 'Sure, if it needed me.'

      Tags:
      • Alcohol
      00
      Permalink
    • How do sport players stay cool in game?

      They stay in front of some fans!

      Tags:
      • Sport
      00
      Permalink
    • What does a plumber need to know about his job?

      Shit runs downhill and payday is on Friday.

      Tags:
      • Work
      • Disgusting
      00
      Permalink
    • A private was brought up before the unit CO for some offence.

      'You can take your choice, Private – one month's restriction or twenty days' pay,' said the officer.

      'All right, sir,' said the bright soldier, 'I'll take the money.'

      Tags:
      • Military
      00
      Permalink
    • I think that it is better to give that to get.

      You have a very generous thinking.

      Are you a humanitarian?

      No, I'm a boxer.

      Tags:
      • Sport
      00
      Permalink
    • There where two snakes talking.

      The 1st one said, "Sidney, are we the type of snakes who wrap ourselves around our prey and squeeze and crush until they're dead?

      Or are we the type of snake who ambush our prey and bite them and they are poisoned?"

      Then the second Snake says "Why do you ask?"

      The 1st one replies: "I just bit my lip!"

      Tags:
      • Animal
      00
      Permalink
    • What is difference between man and Superman?

      Man wears underwear under the trouser and superman wears it over the trouser.

      Tags:
      • Men
      00
      Permalink
    • Now why is it, officer, IF YOU TRUST YOUR FELLOW OFFICERS WITH YOUR LIFE, that you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with those officers?

      You see sir, we share the building with a court complex, and sometimes defense attorneys have been known to walk through that room...

      Tags:
      • Lawyer
      00
      Permalink
    • What is height of Craziness?

      Getting a blank paper Xeroxed.

      Tags:
      • Technology
      00
      Permalink
    • Chad: Why do magicians do so well in school?

      Josh: I don't know. Why?

      Chad: They're good at trick questions.

      Tags:
      • School
      00
      Permalink
    • What is 40 feet long and smells like urine?

      Line dancing at a nursing home.

      Tags:
      • Nurse
      • Disgusting
      00
      Permalink
    • What's the difference between a blonde and a toothbrush?

      You don't share a toothbrush with your friends.

      Tags:
      • Blonde
      00
      Permalink
    • A Blonde was at a gumball machine.

      She put a quarter in and kept getting a gumball out.

      The man behind her asked if he could get a gumball.

      She said, "Shut up! I'm WINNING!"

      Tags:
      • Blonde
      00
      Permalink
    • After a number of attempts to get the customer service agent on the phone to understand his name, my Asian American friend Appappa decided to spell it out.

      "A for apple," he began. "P for pineapple, p for pineapple, a for apple, p for pineapple, p for - "

      The flustered agent interrupted.

      "I have a better idea," she said. "Just tell me how many apples and how many pineapples."

      Tags:
      • Asian
      • Idiot
      • Telephone
      • Customer Service
      00
      Permalink
    • What bounces and makes kids cry?

      My donation cheque to Children in Need.

      Tags:
      • Children
      00
      Permalink
    • An old man tells his psychiatrist that he is already very old and he has committed during his life many sins.

      The psychiatrist wanted to help him, so he has asked him: "And how long are you with your wife?"

      The man answered: "45 years."

      The psychiatrist said: "Don't have the fear, because after your death you will be surely added to the sufferers, sleep well."

      Tags:
      • Time
      • Doctor
      • Marriage
      • Old People
      00
      Permalink
    • Why is Michael Jackson addicted to pain killers?

      To stop him from going OW OW OW!

      Tags:
      • Music
      • Medical
      • Celebrity
      00
      Permalink
    • Who is the saddest grandma in the world?

      The grandma of a vegan.

      Tags:
      • Vegan
      • Grandmother
      00
      Permalink
    • Someone calls at the hotline:

      Good evening.

      I've just installed Windows 98...

      So?

      Wheel I have a problem...

      Ok, ok, you just said that...

      Tags:
      • Technology
      • Telephone
      00
      Permalink
    • A retired man who volunteers to entertain patients in nursing homes and hospitals went to one local hospital in Brooklyn and took his portable keyboard along.

      He told some jokes and sang some funny songs at patients' bedsides.

      When he finished he said, in farewell, "I hope you get better."

      One elderly gentleman replied, "I hope you get better, too."

      Tags:
      • Nurse
      • Hospital
      • Old People
      00
      Permalink
    • Billy: What a pair of strange socks you're wearing, one is green and the other is blue with red spots!!

      Drew: Yes, it's really strange.

      I've got another pair just like that at home.

      Tags:
      • Children
      00
      Permalink
    • A farmer was bragging. "I've got 350 sheep." "That's a lot of sheep," said another farmer.

      "And I've got 500 chickens," bragged the farmer.

      "That's a lot of chickens," answered the second farmer.

      "And 40 bulls," added the farmer.

      The other farmer replied, "Boy!

      That IS a lot of bull."

      Tags:
      • Animal
      00
      Permalink
    • A drunk is sitting on a park bench staring disconsolately at a bottle of beer.

      A man passes and asks him what the matter is.

      'I don't know what to do,' says the drunk.

      'My heart says yes, my mind says no, and I haven't heard from my liver in two days.'

      Tags:
      • Marriage
      00
      Permalink
    • How can you tell if a University of Tennessee football player is married?

      There is tobacco spit on both sides of his pickup truck.

      Tags:
      • School
      • Sport
      • Football
      • Marriage
      00
      Permalink
    • Are you free on Sunday?

      The director asks his secretary.

      Yes, sir.

      Then, please, use this day to rest a bit, so you won't be late at work on Monday.

      00
      Permalink
    • The parents were very disappointed in the grades that their son brought home.

      "The only consolation I can find in these awful grades," lamented the

      father, "is that I know he never cheated during his exams."

      Tags:
      • School
      00
      Permalink
    • What are Women Really Thinking?

      So many men, so few who can afford me.

      Coffee, chocolate, men ... some things are just better rich.

      Don't treat me any differently than you would the Queen.

      Guys have feelings too, But ... who cares?

      And your point is?

      Next mood swing: 6 minutes.

      If you want breakfast in bed, sleep in the kitchen.

      Tags:
      • Food
      • Time
      • Money
      • Marriage
      00
      Permalink
    • What do you do when you see your husband staggering in the back yard?

      Shoot him again.

      Tags:
      • Husband
      • Marriage
      00
      Permalink
    • Two programmers in a bar:

      Do you see that chick there?

      Look at here "properties"!

      Yes, I've already "tested" here last night... they are read-only!

      Tags:
      • Technology
      00
      Permalink
    • What do you get if you add two apples and three apples?

      A high school math problem!

      Tags:
      • Math
      00
      Permalink
    • A sergeant bawled out a rookie.

      "Did you watch all of the exits like I told you?"

      "Yep," the rookie answered.

      "I think he must have left by one of the entrances!"

      Tags:
      • Police
      00
      Permalink
    • Why are there so many lawyers in the U.S.?

      Because St. Patrick chased the snakes out of Ireland.

      Tags:
      • Lawyer
      00
      Permalink
    • What did Jeffrey Dahmer do after dumping his boyfriend?

      He wiped.

      Tags:
      • Disgusting
      00
      Permalink
    • Two elderly gin-soaked colonels are sitting at the bar of their club.

      'Lend me a tenner for a month, old boy,' says one.

      'What does a month-old boy want a tenner for?' asks the other.

      Tags:
      • Money
      00
      Permalink
    • The boss speaking with the secretary:

      Who told you that, if I kissed you a couple of time, you have the right to laze all day long?

      My lawyer.

      Tags:
      • Lawyer
      00
      Permalink
    • The officer reported to the watch commander about having no luck with the witness.

      "Did you browbeat him, yell at him, and ask him every question you could come up with?" asked the watch commander.

      "I certainly did."

      "And?"

      "And he said, 'Yes dear you're right,' and dozed off!"

      Tags:
      • Police
      00
      Permalink
    • What do cow pies and cowgirls have in common?

      The older they get the easier they are to pick up.

      Tags:
      • Animal
      00
      Permalink
    • A young man wants to be left something in his aunt's will, so every day he goes round and takes her poodles for a walk.

      When she finally dies, she does indeed remember the kindness of her nephew – and leaves him the poodles.

      Tags:
      • Money
      00
      Permalink
    • Two crocks rest on the basin of a zoo talking:

      Yesterday, the caretaker cursed me, said the older one.

      What did you do?

      Asks the other. - I've swallowed him...

      Tags:
      • Animal
      00
      Permalink
    • One day, a young boy was asked by his teacher to tell him what the chemical formula for water was.

      The boy replied with "H-I-J-K-L-M-N-O".

      The Teacher was stunned. "That's not right, how did you come up with that?"

      The boy said, "Last week you said it was H2O!"

      Tags:
      • School
      • Science
      • Teacher
      00
      Permalink
    • What is the most erotic number?

      2110593!

      Why?

      When 2 are 1 and don't pay at10tion, they'll know within 5 weeks whether or not, after 9 months, they'll be 3.

      Tags:
      • Math
      00
      Permalink
    • A javelin thrower called Vicky

      Found the grip of her javelin sticky.

      When it came to the throw

      She couldn't let go.

      Making judging the distance quite tricky.

      Tags:
      • Poetry
      • Athlete
      00
      Permalink
    • A man and his wife went to bed one night and the man was getting very frisky and asked his wife if she was in the mood.

      His wife answered, "Not tonight dear I have a headache."

      The man replied, "Is that your final answer"?

      She said, "Yes."

      ...He said. "Ok, then, I'd like to phone a friend."

      Tags:
      • Marriage
      00
      Permalink
    • Two drunk Americans were speeding down a deserted road in the Philippines

      Drunk1: Are there any penguins in the tropics?

      Drunk2: I don't think so.

      Drunk1: Then I think we just squished a nun!

      Tags:
      • Alcohol
      00
      Permalink
    • A boxer goes to a doctor complaining of insomnia.

      'Have you tried counting sheep?' asks the doctor.

      'It doesn't work,' replies the boxer.

      'Every time I get to nine, I stand up.'

      Tags:
      • Sport
      00
      Permalink
    • A guy walks into a bar and orders a drink.

      After a few more he needs to go to the can.

      He doesn't want anyone to steal his drink so he puts a sign on it saying, "I spat in this beer, do not drink!". After a few minutes he returns and there is another sign next to his beer saying, "So did I!"

      Tags:
      • Alcohol
      00
      Permalink
    • What's the difference between a lawyer and a herd of buffalo?

      The lawyer charges more.

      Tags:
      • Lawyer
      00
      Permalink
    • Two women are talking. 'You know,' says one.

      'Eighty per cent of men think the best way to end an argument is to make love.'

      'Well,' says the other.

      'That will certainly revolutionise the game of hockey!'

      Tags:
      • Sport
      00
      Permalink
    • A man and wife are at a volleyball game when they notice a very affectionate couple who are running their hands over each other passionately.

      'I don't know whether to watch them or the game,' says the man.

      'Watch them!' says his wife.

      'You already know how to play volleyball.'

      Tags:
      • Sport
      00
      Permalink
    • How are men like diplomas?

      You spend lots of time getting one, but once you

      have it, you don't know what to do with it.

      Tags:
      • Men
      00
      Permalink
    • What did Tarzan say when he saw the elephants coming?

      Gulp.

      Tags:
      • Elephant
      • Disgusting
      00
      Permalink
    • Jesse starts wailing to the vet, "you gotta save my dog, he looks real bad - please you just gotta!"

      "There, there Jesse, your dog just has a broken hip he'll be fine in no time.

      My fee, of course, will be $1,500."

      Jesse starts to wail - "oh, my dog's going to die!!!"

      Tags:
      • Animal
      00
      Permalink
    • From tomorrow you are free!

      The lawyer informs his client.

      Yes, I'm so happy, I have nothing to say, grumbled the prisoner.

      I torment myself for 5 years to make a rope ladder, 3 years to rasp the cage bars and you come now with the amnesty ordinance, exactly now when I wanted to break free...

      Tags:
      • Lawyer
      00
      Permalink
    • A man was found murdered in his home over the weekend.

      Detectives at the scene found the man face down in his tub.

      The tub had been filled with milk, and the deceased had a banana protruding from his buttocks.

      Police suspect a cereal killer.

      Tags:
      • Police
      00
      Permalink
    • Two bats are hanging upside down on a branch.

      One asks the other, "Do you recall your worst day last year?"

      The other responds, "Yes, the day I had diarrhea!"

      Tags:
      • Animal
      00
      Permalink
    • Johnny was stopped by the policeman on the road, the policeman has looked over the whole car and has said to Johnny:

      "Johnny, if you'll go somebody by your car, the human would probably survive the collision with your car also without your help, but the treatment with the content of your archaic first aid box will survive nobody, there's no doubt. Did you buy it in the shop B.C.?"

      Tags:
      • Car
      • Time
      • Police
      • Little Johnny
      00
      Permalink
    • An old man and his wife are having their first argument after many years of marriage.

      He says, 'When we got married, you promised to love, honour and obey!'

      'I know,' replies his wife. 'But I didn't want to start an argument in front of all those people.'

      Tags:
      • Marriage
      00
      Permalink
    • How do you eat a frog?

      You put one leg behind each ear.

      Tags:
      • Disgusting
      00
      Permalink
    • Teacher: Give me an example of animal.

      Jimmy: Frog

      Teacher: Give me another.

      Jimmy: Another Frog.

      Tags:
      • Animal
      00
      Permalink
    • A lot of people are desperate today.

      A fellow walked up to me, he said, "You see a cop around here?"

      I said, "No."

      He said, "Stick 'em up!"

      Tags:
      • Police
      00
      Permalink
    • A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an automated radar.

      A $40 speeding ticket was included.

      Being cute, he sent the police department a picture of $40.

      The police responded with another mailed photo - of handcuffs.

      Tags:
      • Police
      00
      Permalink
    • The young police recruit was asked..

      "What would you do if you were sent to arrest your mother?"

      His reply.... "Call for backup."

      Tags:
      • Police
      00
      Permalink
    • A baby hedgehog lost itself, in the garden.

      Sad, he strolls from here to there, whereupon he bumps in a cactus and full of hope he says:

      Mama, is that you?

      Tags:
      • Animal
      00
      Permalink
    • A middle aged woman was driving through a school zone when a policeman pulled her over for speeding. As he was giving her the ticket, she said, "How come I always get a ticket and everyone else gets a warning? Is it my face?"

      "No, ma'am," explained the officer, "it's your foot."

      Tags:
      • Police
      00
      Permalink
    • Did you hear about the depressed proctologist?

      He's been feeling down in the dumps.

      Tags:
      • Disgusting
      00
      Permalink
    • Why did the cowboy have shit in his mustache?

      Cuz he'd been lookin for love in all the wrong places.

      Tags:
      • Cowboy
      • Disgusting
      00
      Permalink
    • What do Rodney King and Nicole Simpson have in common?

      They just didn't listen

      Tags:
      • Celebrity
      • Disgusting
      00
      Permalink
    • Theres a ventriloquist telling blonde joke.

      A blonde comes storming up on stage and start says, "Blondes can be smart to you know, and I'm smart, I should know."

      The ventriloquist says, "Ok, ok, I'm sorry, I won't do it again." Then the blonde says, "You shut up and stay out of this cuz I'm talking to the jerk on your knee."

      Tags:
      • Blonde
      00
      Permalink
    • Two cows were talking.One cow asked the other

      "I wonder what hamburgers are made of?"

      The other cow replied "YOUR MOM!"

      Tags:
      • Food
      • Animal
      00
      Permalink
    • Why did the elephant paint himself different colours?

      So he could hide in the crayon box!

      Tags:
      • Animal
      00
      Permalink
    • What did the bartender say after Charles Dickens ordered a martini?

      "Olive or twist?"

      Tags:
      • Bar
      • Alcohol
      00
      Permalink
    • A teacher asks her students if they're Yankees fans.

      All of the hands go up except for one student.

      "Okay, Bobby. What team are you a fan of?"

      "The Red Sox."

      "Why's that?"

      "Well, my parents are both Red Sox fans, so I'm a Red Sox fan too."

      "That's not a good answer, Bobby.

      If your parents were both morons, would you be a moron too?"

      "No, that would make me a Yankees fan!"

      Tags:
      • Sport
      • Student
      • Teacher
      • Football
      00
      Permalink
    • Hunter: What has given Mr. Bubbles nightmares since elementary school?

      Josh: Beats me.

      Hunter: Pop quizzes!

      Tags:
      • School
      00
      Permalink
    • What vegetables to librarians like?

      Quiet peas.

      Tags:
      • School
      00
      Permalink
    • A man walks into a bar and says "Ow!"

      A second man walks into the same bar.

      You would think after the first one hit it, the second one would have seen it coming.

      Tags:
      • Men
      00
      Permalink
    • A man was made the police chief in a nudist colony.

      He liked the job, but putting on the badge was murder!

      Tags:
      • Police
      00
      Permalink
    • A blonde comes to a doctor and complains:

      Doc, please help: when I touch my head - it hurts, when I touch my belly - it hurts, when I touch my leg - it hurts...

      I know what has happened to you.

      And what?

      You've broken your finger.

      Tags:
      • Blonde
      • Doctor
      00
      Permalink
    • In which room we cannot live?

      Mushroom.

      Tags:
      • Children
      00
      Permalink
    • What's brown and in the military?

      Gomer's pile.

      Tags:
      • Military
      • Disgusting
      00
      Permalink
    • A famous boxer must be operated by appendicitis.

      From the operation room the doctor gets out holding himself to the walls with a bruised eye and says:

      A can't do this anymore!

      I try to anesthetize him, I count until 9 and he gets up and starts punching me...

      Tags:
      • Doctor
      • Sport
      00
      Permalink
    • Billy: "I was playing basketball and an Asian crossed me."

      Mark: "Haha, how does an Asian cross you?"

      Billy: "Because he crosses multiplies."

      Tags:
      • Math
      • Asian
      • Sport
      00
      Permalink
    • A guy sits down at the bar and orders drink after drink rapidly.

      "Is everything okay, pal?", the bartender asks.

      "My wife and I got into a fight and she said she isn't talking to me for a month!".

      Trying to put a positive spin on things, the bartender says, "Well, maybe that's kind of a good thing.

      You know, a little peace and quiet?"

      "Yeah. But today is the last day".

      Tags:
      • Bar
      • Wife
      • Marriage
      00
      Permalink
    • Teacher: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?

      Donald: H-I-J-K-L-M-N-O.

      Teacher: What are you talking about?

      Donald: Yesterday you said it was H to O.

      Tags:
      • School
      00
      Permalink
    • One day a Viking named Leif returned after a long sea voyage and found that during his absence his name had been removed from the town register.

      He sent his wife to the town hall make a complaint to the mayor.

      "I'm sorry," said the mayor, "I must have taken Leif off my census."

      Tags:
      • Marriage
      00
      Permalink
    • "Where did you born?"

      "At the hospital!"

      "Don't tell me! And what were you in for?"

      Tags:
      • Children
      • Hospital
      00
      Permalink
    • Teacher: What a pair of strange socks you are wearing, one is green and one is blue with red spots!

      Ramu: Yes it's really strange.

      I've got another pair of the same at home.

      Tags:
      • School
      • Teacher
      00
      Permalink
    • "Hey Jaeger, are you enjoying that apple?"

      "Sure, why do you ask."

      "I was going to offer you some toast."

      "How kind of... I'll accept."

      "Great, but what's toast without any butter Jaeger."

      "You're right about that!"

      "Well give me a few seconds, let me go scrape some off of your mother's teeth!"

      Tags:
      • Food
      • Time
      • Disgusting
      00
      Permalink
    • My sister was with two men in one night.

      She could hardly walk after that.

      Can you imagine?

      Two dinners!

      Tags:
      • Women
      00
      Permalink
    • An announcement came over the intercom for the college students:

      "Will the students who are parked on the wrong side of the Parking area please move their cars."

      Twenty minutes later there was another announcement:

      "Will the three hundred students who went to move fourteen cars return to class."

      Tags:
      • School
      00
      Permalink
    • Stevie: Hey, Mom, I got a hundred in school today!

      Mom: That's great. What in?

      Stevie: A 40 in Reading and a 60 in Spelling.

      Tags:
      • School
      00
      Permalink
    • One day there was a woman who lost her cat named "LOVE."

      It was pretty dark outside and she lived in New York.

      So, thinking that he might be down the street, she put on her house-coat and went looking for him.

      When a police officer stopped to ask what she was doing, she said very honestly, "I'm looking for LOVE."

      The policeman arrested her on the spot.

      Tags:
      • Cat
      • Women
      • Animal
      • Police
      00
      Permalink
    • A blonde phoned police to report that thieves had been in her car.

      "They've stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, even the accelerator," she cried out.

      However, before the police investigation could start, the phone rang a second time and the same voice came over the line.

      "Never mind, I got in the back seat by mistake."

      Tags:
      • Car
      • Blonde
      • Police
      • Telephone
      00
      Permalink
    • Theres a ventriloquist telling blonde joke.

      A blonde comes storming up on stage and start says, "Blondes can be smart to you know, and I'm smart, I should know."

      The ventriloquist says, "Ok, ok, I'm sorry, I won't do it again." Then the blonde says, "You shut up and stay out of this cuz I'm talking to the jerk on your knee."

      Tags:
      • Blonde
      00
      Permalink
    • TEACHER: Why would you paint something black?

      STUDENT: So it runs faster.

      Tags:
      • Children
      00
      Permalink
    • I had a knock at my door earlier, it was a policeman...

      "Mr Cook?"

      "Yes," I replied.

      "I'm afraid your dog has just been reported to have chased someone on a bike."

      I said, "That's bullshit – my dog doesn't have a bike!"

      Tags:
      • Dog
      • Animal
      • Police
      00
      Permalink
    • A guy noticed that his buddy was troubled and asked what was wrong.

      "Ohhh, it's my girlfriend." "What's the problem?"

      "When I asked her if she could learn to love me, she asked me how much I was willing to spend on her education."

      Tags:
      • Love
      • Money
      • Relationship
      00
      Permalink
    • What is a zebra?

      A horse behind bars.

      Tags:
      • Horse
      • Animal
      00
      Permalink
    • Teacher: Class, we will have only half a day of school this morning.

      Class: Hooray!

      Teacher: We will have the other half this afternoon.

      Tags:
      • School
      00
      Permalink
    • Husband to wife: 'You have a flat chest and hairy legs.

      Tell me, have you ever been mistaken for a man?'

      'No,' replies his wife.

      'Have you?'

      Tags:
      • Marriage
      00
      Permalink
    • What's all over a clean nose?

      Fingerprints.

      Tags:
      • Alcohol
      00
      Permalink
    • The Australian rugby team is being driven through Dublin.

      The driver shouts out, 'And if you look to your left you'll see we're going past the biggest pub in the city.'

      A voice from the back shouts, 'Why?'

      Tags:
      • Alcohol
      00
      Permalink
    • When you're neckin' with yer honey

      And your nose is kinda runny

      You might think it's funny...

      But it's not.

      Tags:
      • Disgusting
      00
      Permalink
    • What is a thespian pony?

      A little horse play

      Tags:
      • Animal
      00
      Permalink
    • David Hasselhoff walks into a bar, and says to the barman, 'I want you to call me David Hoff.'

      'Sure,' says the barman.

      'No hassle.'

      Tags:
      • Alcohol
      00
      Permalink
    • A little monster was learning to play the violin,' I'm good, aren't I?' he asked his big brother.

      'You should be on the radio,' said his brother.

      'You think I'm that good?'

      'No, I think you're terrible, but if you were on the radio, I could switch you off !

      Tags:
      • Money
      • Music
      00
      Permalink
    • A policeman spots a woman driving and knitting at the same time.

      Driving up beside her, he shouts out the window... "Pull over!"

      "No," she shouts back, "a pair of socks!"

      Tags:
      • Police
      00
      Permalink
    • Can I borrow that book of yours How To Become A Millionaire?

      Sure.

      Here you are.

      Thanks - but half the pages are missing.

      What's the matter?

      Isn't half a million enough for you?

      Tags:
      • Money
      00
      Permalink
    • You realize that you are dependent of the internet when:

      You forget in what year you are.

      You get out from you're room and you discover that you're parent moved and you don't even know when that happened.

      You dream only of quick connections.

      You open you're interphone when you get out from you're room so you can hear when you get an e-mail.

      Tags:
      • Technology
      00
      Permalink
    • A drunk guy in Alaska decides to go ice fishing.

      He starts sawing a hole in the ice, when a loud booming voice says, "You will find no fish there."

      The drunk looks up, ignores it, and continues on.

      The voice booms again, "You will find no fish under the ice."

      The drunk looks up and says, "God, is that you?"

      The voice says, "No, I'm the manager of this ice rink."

      Tags:
      • Sport
      00
      Permalink
    • A snail goes into a bar and orders a beer.

      The barman says 'Sorry we don't serve snails' and throws him out.

      A couple of weeks later the snail goes into the bar again and says... 'What did you do that for!'

      Tags:
      • Alcohol
      00
      Permalink
    • What did the big turnip say to the little turnip

      When did you turn up?

      Tags:
      • Children
      00
      Permalink
    • A guy walks into a bar and orders a drink.

      After a few more he needs to go to the can.

      He doesn't want anyone to steal his drink so he puts a sign on it saying, "I spat in this beer, do not drink!".

      After a few minutes he returns and there is another sign next to his beer saying, "So did I!"

      Tags:
      • Bar
      • Beer
      • Alcohol
      00
      Permalink
    • A snail goes into a bar and orders a beer.

      The barman says, "sorry we don't serve snails" and throws him out.

      A couple of weeks later the snail goes into the bar again and says,"What did you do that for!?"

      Tags:
      • Alcohol
      00
      Permalink
    • A man would come home very late and very drunk every night.

      His wife decides to teach him a lesson by dressing up like Satan and scaring him.

      When he finally stumbles across the lawn, his wife jumps out and howls like a demon.

      He looks at her and slurs, "You don't scare me. I'm married to your sister!"

      Tags:
      • Marriage
      00
      Permalink
    • All my friends, we was ready for the second riot.

      No, not like the first one, where we were just grabbing stuff at random it wouldn't be like that.

      I've got a thousand boxes of Pampers; I don't know what I'm going to do with it.

      No, no, this time we had a list.

      We were going to get the stuff we need.

      Everybody on my block has bought a U-Haul..

      Tags:
      • Police
      00
      Permalink
    • Wife to husband: 'You certainly made a fool of yourself last night.

      I just hope nobody realised you were sober.'

      Tags:
      • Marriage
      00
      Permalink
    • A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender.

      Do you trust your fellow officers?

      Yes sir, with my life.

      Tags:
      • Lawyer
      00
      Permalink
    • A blonde goes into a library and cheerfully says, "Hi! I'm here to see the doctor!"

      In a stern, but hushed voice, the librarian says, "Miss, this is a library."

      So the blonde lowers her voice and says, "Oh sorry!"

      Then whispers, "I'm here to see the doctor."

      Tags:
      • Blonde
      • Doctor
      00
      Permalink
    • Women dream of world peace, a safe environment, and eliminating hunger.

      What do men dream of?

      Being stuck in an elevator with the Doublemint twins.

      Tags:
      • Men
      00
      Permalink
    • Air traffic controller:

      "Flight 1234, for noise abatement turn right 45 degrees."

      Airline pilot: "But Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"

      Air Traffic controller: "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 737?"

      Tags:
      • Travel
      • Airplane
      00
      Permalink
    • There was a terrible tragedy concerning the local ice hockey team.

      They drowned during spring training.

      Tags:
      • Sport
      00
      Permalink
    • Mortal: What is a million years like to you? God: Like one second.

      Mortal: What is a million pounds like to you?

      God: Like one penny.

      Mortal: Can I have a penny?

      God: Just a second...

      Tags:
      • Money
      00
      Permalink
    • A man orders a pint of beer, notices it tastes sour and complains to the barman.

      'What are you moaning about?' says the barman.

      'You've only got a pint of that rubbish, I've got three barrels full.'

      Tags:
      • Alcohol
      00
      Permalink
    • How many lawyers does it take to build a wall?

      Depends on how deep you stack them.

      Tags:
      • Lawyer
      00
      Permalink
    • He: Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to you in

      the worst way.

      She: Well, you succeeded.

      Tags:
      • Men
      00
      Permalink
    • I've lost my dog!

      Have you tried putting a message on the Internet?

      Don't be silly, my dog never reads e-mails!

      Tags:
      • Dog
      00
      Permalink
    • What did the dog say when he sat on sand paper?

      "Rough rough".

      Tags:
      • Dog
      00
      Permalink
    • What's got four legs and no ears?

      Mike Tyson's dog.

      Tags:
      • Dog
      00
      Permalink
    • Two women, who are dog owners, are arguing over which dog is smarter.

      First woman: My dog is so smart. Every morning he waits for the paperboy to come around and then he takes a newspaper and brings it to me.

      Second woman: I know.

      First one: How?

      Second one: My dog told me.

      Tags:
      • Dog
      00
      Permalink
    • Advertisement: Dog for sale.

      Really gentle.

      Eats anything.

      Especially fond of children.

      Tags:
      • Dog
      • Children
      00
      Permalink
    • Alsation: How did you find the fleas?

      Beagle: I didn't!

      They found me!

      Tags:
      • Dog
      00
      Permalink
    • Every time I tell my English Setter to stop barking, it never does!

      What does it do?

      It just stands on its back two legs and quotes Shakespeare!

      What?

      Yeah, it says, "To bark or not to bark that is the question!"

      and keeps on barking!

      Tags:
      • Dog
      00
      Permalink
    • Alsation: How come you are always so well behaved when you go on a walk with your master?

      Chihuahua: It's the leash I can do!

      Tags:
      • Dog
      00
      Permalink
    • Alsation: Why do you like to go on camping trips?

      Chihuahua: I like to ruff it!

      Tags:
      • Dog
      00
      Permalink
    • Alsation: What is your favorite holiday?

      Chihuahua: Howloween!

      Tags:
      • Dog
      00
      Permalink
    • A Chihuahua was shopping in a mall when another shopper walked up to it and started talking.

      Didn't I see you on a TV commercial?

      How am I supposed to know what you watch on TV?

      Tags:
      • Dog
      • Shopping
      00
      Permalink
    • The front door was accidentally left open and our dog was gone.

      After unsuccessfully whistling and calling, my husband got in the car and went looking for him.

      He drove around the neighborhood for some time with no luck.

      Finally he stopped beside a couple out for a walk and asked if they had seen our dog.

      "You mean the one following your car?"

      they asked.

      Tags:
      • Dog
      • Old People
      00
      Permalink
    • A man and his son were shovelling the driveway after a heavy snowfall when their dog, Lady, wandered away from them.

      Man, fearing the dog might be hit by car, shouted angrily: "Lady!

      Lady!

      Get over here right now!"

      The dog charged happily back over to them, accompanied by a commuter who had been standing at the bus stop.

      "Yes, sir, what can I do for you?"

      she asked.

      Tags:
      • Dog
      • Driving
      00
      Permalink
    • My dog is great at math.

      Really?

      Ask him how much is two minus two.

      But two minus two is nothing!

      That's what he'll answer, nothing!

      Tags:
      • Dog
      00
      Permalink
    • Small girl: I'd buy that dog, but his legs are too short!

      Clerk: Too short?

      Why, all four of them touch the floor.

      Tags:
      • Dog
      00
      Permalink
    • A man walked by a table in a hotel and noticed three men and a dog playing cards.

      The dog was exhibiting an extraordinary performance.

      "That is a very smart dog," the man commented.

      "He's not so smart," said one of the irked players.

      "Every time he gets a good hand he wags his tail."

      Tags:
      • Dog
      00
      Permalink
    • The patient: Tell me, is it true that alcohol decreases blood pressure?

      Doctor: Yes, that is true.

      P: And, is it true that coffee increases blood pressure?

      D: Yes, that is also true.

      P: So, in average, I live normally.

      Tags:
      • Doctor
      00
      Permalink
    • The patient shook his doctor's hand in gratitude and said, "Since we are the best of friends, I would not want to insult you by offering payment.

      But I would like for you to know that I had mentioned you in my will."

      "That is very kind of you," said the doctor emotionally, and then added, "May I see that prescription I just gave you?

      I'd like to make a little change..."

      Tags:
      • Doctor
      00
      Permalink
    • Fireman rescued a man who was badly injured in a car accident.

      The entire left half of his body was torn off.

      He was taken to the hospital and examined.

      The doctors said he was all right.

      The nurses said there wasn't much left.

      Tags:
      • Doctor
      • Hospital
      00
      Permalink
    • There were ten zebras in the zoo.

      All but nine escaped.

      How many were left?

      Nine!

      Tags:
      • Zoo
      00
      Permalink
    • A man who was very upset walked in to see his doctor.

      "Doctor, you've got to help me!" he wailed.

      "What seems to be the trouble?" asked the doctor.

      "I keep having the same dream, night after night. There's this door with a sign on it, and I push and push the door but I can't get it open."

      "What does the sign say?" asked the Doctor.

      "Pull," said the patient.

      Tags:
      • Doctor
      00
      Permalink
    • A nurse was showing some student nurses through the hospital.

      "This will be the most hazardous section in the hospital for you.

      The men on this floor are almost well."

      Tags:
      • Hospital
      00
      Permalink
    • A doctor and a nurse were called to the scene of an accident.

      Doctor: We need to get these people to a hospital now!

      Nurse: What is it?

      Doctor: It's a big building with a lot of doctors, but that's not important now!

      Tags:
      • Doctor
      • Hospital
      00
      Permalink
    • A pipe burst in a doctor's house.

      He called a plumber.

      The plumber arrived, unpacked his tools, did mysterious plumber-type things for a while, and handed the doctor a bill for $600.

      The doctor exclaimed, "This is ridiculous!

      I don't even make that much as a doctor!."

      The plumber quietly answered, "Neither did I when I was a doctor."

      Tags:
      • Doctor
      00
      Permalink
    • Mary: My daughter believes in preventative medicine, doctor.

      Doctor: Oh, really?

      Mary: Yes, she tries to prevent me from making her take it!

      Tags:
      • Daughter
      • Medicine
      00
      Permalink
    • A new arrival, about to enter hospital, saw two white coated doctors searching through the flower beds.

      "Excuse me," he said, "have you lost something?"

      "No," replied one of the doctors.

      "We're doing a heart transplant for an income-tax inspector and want to find a suitable stone."

      Tags:
      • Doctor
      • Hospital
      00
      Permalink
    • Doctor: Did you know that there are more than 1,000 bones in the human body?

      Larry: Shhh, doctor!

      There are three dogs outside in the waiting room!

      Tags:
      • Dog
      00
      Permalink
    • A doctor has come to see one of his patients in a hospital.

      The patient has had major surgery to both of his hands.

      "Doctor," says the man excitedly and dramatically holds up his heavily bandaged hands.

      "Will I be able to play the piano when these bandages come off?"

      "I don't see why not," replies the doctor.

      "That's funny," says the man.

      "I wasn't able to play it before."

      Tags:
      • Doctor
      • Hospital
      00
      Permalink
    • Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I'm a dog.

      Sit on the couch and we will talk about it.

      But I'm not allowed up on the couch!

      Tags:
      • Dog
      00
      Permalink
    • Doctor Doctor I feel like biscuits!

      What, you mean those square ones?

      Yes!

      The ones you put butter on?

      Yes!

      Oh, You're Crackers!

      Tags:
      • Old People
      00
      Permalink
    • Doctor, Doctor I think I'm a dog.

      How long have you felt like this?

      Ever since I was a puppy!

      Tags:
      • Dog
      00
      Permalink
    • What's the major cause of divorce?

      Once is not enough.

      Tags:
      • Divorce
      00
      Permalink
    • Why do divorced men get married again?

      Bad memory.

      Tags:
      • Divorce
      00
      Permalink
    • A ninety-year-old couple decide to get a divorce.

      They go to the judge and say, "Judge, we want a divorce."

      The judge says, "You've been married 70 years and now you want to get a divorce?

      Why did you wait so long?"

      The couple say in unison, "Well, we wanted to wait until the kids were dead."

      Tags:
      • Divorce
      00
      Permalink
    • Why is divorce so expensive?

      Because it's worth it.

      Tags:
      • Divorce
      00
      Permalink
    • Ruby Alice walked up to the desk of a Bowling Green motel and signed the register with the letter "O."

      "Why'd you put that circle down?"

      asked the clerk.

      "Cause Ah can't write," replied the girl.

      "Why don't you sign with an 'X'?"

      asked the man.

      "Ah used to," she answered.

      "But when Ah got me a divorce, Ah took back mah maiden name!"

      Tags:
      • Divorce
      00
      Permalink
    • The divorce court was attentive as the wealthy Yuppette complained to the Judge that her husband had left her bed and board.

      When she had finished, the husband's lawyer rose to his feet and coolly replied, "Your Honor, I have a slight correction in the typing of the charging documents.

      My client claims that he left her bed 'bored'."

      Tags:
      • Lawyer
      • Divorce
      00
      Permalink
    • A blonde and a brunette were talking.

      The brunette complained, "Every time my boyfriend brings home flowers, I have to to spend the weekend with my legs in the air."

      The blonde asks, "Don't you have a vase?"

      Tags:
      • Blonde
      • Boyfriend
      00
      Permalink
    • "Hello?"

      the blonde responded answering the phone.

      Hearing no response, she repeated, "Hello?"

      "I'll bet you want me to come over and take you into the bedroom, undress you, lick you from head to toe, and then make mad passionate love to you until dawn."

      the male voice whispered.

      "Scheesch!

      You're good."

      she replied.

      "You mean you can tell all that from two hello's?"

      Tags:
      • Blonde
      • Old People
      00
      Permalink
    • A blonde is suffering from a sore throat so she goes to see the doctor.

      She explains the problem to the doctor who asks her to sit down.

      He gets out his light and says "Open wide."

      "I can't" replies the blonde, "the chair's fitted with arms."

      Tags:
      • Blonde
      • Doctor
      00
      Permalink
    • A guy walked into the doctor's surgery for an appointment.

      "Would you like to tell me your problem?"

      the pretty blonde receptionist asked.

      "I'll need the information for the doctor."

      "It's rather embarrassing" the guy stammered.

      "You see, I have a very large and almost constant erection."

      "Well, the doctor is very busy today" the receptionist cooed, "but maybe I can squeeze you in."

      Tags:
      • Doctor
      00
      Permalink
    • A man comes home from work one night to catch his blonde girlfriend sliding down the banister naked.

      He blurts out, "What do you think you're doing?"

      "Just heating up dinner" she replies.

      Tags:
      • Girlfriend
      00
      Permalink
    • What does a blonde say after multiple orgasms?

      Way to go team.

      Tags:
      • Blonde
      00
      Permalink
    • What's the difference between Indiana and a blonde?

      A blonde has larger hills and deeper valleys.

      Tags:
      • Blonde
      00
      Permalink
    • What's the difference between a blonde and McDonald's?

      A blonde serves more people in a night.

      Tags:
      • Blonde
      00
      Permalink
    • What's the difference between a blonde and an ironing board?

      It's difficult to open the legs of an ironing board.

      Tags:
      • Blonde
      00
      Permalink
    • How can you tell who is a blonde's boyfriend?

      He's the one with the belt buckle that matches the impression in her forehead.

      Tags:
      • Boyfriend
      00
      Permalink
    • How would a blonde punctuate the following?:

      "Fun fun fun worry worry worry" Fun period fun period fun NO PERIOD worry worry worry!

      Tags:
      • Blonde
      00
      Permalink
    • What is the definition of the perfect woman?

      A deaf and dumb blonde nymphomaniac whose father owns a pub.

      Tags:
      • Bar
      00
      Permalink
    • What is 68 to a blonde?

      Where she goes down on you and you owe her one.

      Tags:
      • Blonde
      00
      Permalink
    • Why does NASA hire peroxide blondes?

      They're doing research on black holes.

      Tags:
      • NASA
      00
      Permalink
    • How can you tell if a blonde works in an office?

      A bed in the stockroom and huge smiles on all the bosses' faces.

      Tags:
      • Blonde
      00
      Permalink
    • What is a bellybutton for?

      It gives a blonde a place to park her gum on the way down.

      Tags:
      • Blonde
      00
      Permalink
    • What do you call a blonde that can suck a golfball through a water hose?

      Sweetheart!

      Tags:
      • Blonde
      00
      Permalink
    • Why did the blonde have a hysterectomy?

      She wanted to stop having grandchildren.

      Tags:
      • Blonde
      00
      Permalink
    • Why did the blonde make love in the microwave?

      She wanted to have a baby in 9 minutes.

      Tags:
      • Blonde
      00
      Permalink
    • What is it that all men have one of; it's longer on some men than on others; the Pope doesn't use his; and a man gives it to his wife after they're married?

      surname

      Tags:
      • Pope
      • Marriage
      00
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    • What's the difference between a blonde and a phone booth?

      You need a quarter to use the phone.

      Tags:
      • Blonde
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    • What's the difference between a blonde and a broom closet?

      Only two men fit inside a broom closet at once.

      Tags:
      • Blonde
      00
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    • What's the difference between a blonde and a brick?

      When you lay a brick it doesn't follow you around for two weeks whining.

      Tags:
      • Blonde
      00
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    • How does a blonde part their hair?

      (Action of scissoring legs apart) A2: By doing the splits.

      Tags:
      • Blonde
      00
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    • What does a blonde and a turtle have in common?

      If either one of them end up on there back they are both fucked.

      Tags:
      • Blonde
      00
      Permalink
    • What is 61 to a blonde?

      She wants 8 (ate) more.

      Tags:
      • Blonde
      00
      Permalink
    • How do you get a blonde off of your knees?

      Come.

      Tags:
      • Blonde
      00
      Permalink
    • How do you know a blonde likes you?

      She screws you two nights in a row.

      Tags:
      • Blonde
      00
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    • How do you get a blonde pregnant?

      Come in her shoes and let the flies do the rest.

      Tags:
      • Blonde
      00
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    • An elderly woman decided to have her portrait painted.

      She told the artist "Paint me with diamond earrings, a diamond necklace, emerald bracelets, a ruby broach, and gold Rolex."

      A ninety-year-old man was accused of raping a twenty-year-old.

      "So, did you do it?"

      his lawyer asked.

      "Of course not," the old man replied.

      "But I was so flattered, I pleaded guilty."

      Tags:
      • Lawyer
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    • Scott finally got his girlfriend into bed, and things were going hot and heavy.

      "Slow down, baby," she said.

      "Foreplay is an art."

      "You better get your canvas ready soon," he panted, "because I'm about to spill my paint!"

      Tags:
      • Girlfriend
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    • A woman checked in at the pearly gates and asked to join her former husband, Walter Smith.

      Saint Peter said, "We have five million Walter Smiths.

      Give us a little clue."

      The woman said, "My Walter is bald and has blue eyes, and he said that if I ever slept with another man he'd turn over in his grave."

      Saint Peter motioned an angel forward.

      "Take her to Turning Walter!"

      Tags:
      • Heaven
      • St. Peter
      00
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    • The president got off the helicopter in front of the White House with a baby hog under each arm.

      The Marine guard snapped to attention, saluted, and said, "Nice pigs, sir".

      The president replied, "These are not pigs, these are authentic Arkansas Razorback hogs.

      I got one for Hillary and I got one for Chelsea."

      The Marine again snapped to attention, saluted, and replied, "Nice trade, sir."

      Tags:
      • President
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    • How can you tell a male dinosaur from a female dinosaur?

      Ask it a question.

      If he answers, it's a male; if she answers, it's female.

      Tags:
      • Dinosaur
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    • Why did the Apatosaurus devour the factory?

      Because she was a plant eater!

      Tags:
      • Dinosaur
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    • What was the most flexiest dinosaur?

      Tyrannosaurus Flex.

      Tags:
      • Dinosaur
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    • What do you say to a twenty ton dinosaur with headphones on?

      Anything you want.

      He can't hear you.

      Tags:
      • Dinosaur
      00
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    • How do you ask a dinosaur to lunch?

      Tea Rex?

      Tags:
      • Dinosaur
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    • What is the head of an Italian dinosaur family called?

      Ptera Don

      Tags:
      • Dinosaur
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    • What did the female dinosaur call her blouse making business?

      Try Sara's Tops

      Tags:
      • Dinosaur
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    • What kind of materials do dinosaurs use for the floor of their homes?

      Rep Tiles

      Tags:
      • Dinosaur
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    • "Pardon me for a moment, please," said the dentist to the victim, "but before beginning this work I must have my drill."

      "Good heavens, man!"

      exclaimed the patient irritably.

      "Can't you pull a tooth without a rehearsal?"

      Tags:
      • Doctor
      • Dentist
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    • Patient: How much to have this tooth pulled?

      Dentist: With pain $200 and without pain $100.

      Patient: Well, without pain it's cheaper.

      Pull it WITHOUT pain.

      Without anesthesia neither anything, the dentist begins to extract the tooth, when the patient outcry: Aaaahhhhhhhh!

      Hey, WITH pain it costs $200!, replies the dentist.

      Tags:
      • Doctor
      • Dentist
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    • Patient to Dentist: "How much to get my teeth straightened?"

      "Twenty thousand bucks" Patient heads for the door.

      Dentist to patient: "Where are you going?"

      "To a plastic surgeon to get my mouth bent."

      Tags:
      • Dentist
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    • Young Charlie to dentist's sexy chair-side assistant "Aha!

      Are you the lady orthodontist?".

      The lady replied "No, but I'll straighten anyone's teeth "

      Tags:
      • Dentist
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    • Dentist: There goes the only woman I ever loved.

      Assistant: Why don't you marry her?

      Dentist: I can't afford to.

      She's my best patient.

      Tags:
      • Dentist
      00
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    • Patient: Doctor, I am very nervous.

      You know, this is my first extraction.

      Young dentist: Don't worry, it's my first extraction too.

      Tags:
      • Dentist
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    • "I came in to make an appointment with the dentist."

      said the man to the receptionist.

      "I'm sorry sir."

      she replied.

      "He's out right now, but..." "Thank you."

      interrupted the obviously nervous prospective patient.

      "When will he be out again?"

      Tags:
      • Dentist
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    • While I was waiting to see the dentist, a woman came out of his inner office smiling.

      Nodding to me, she said, "Thank goodness my work is completed.

      I'm so glad to have found a painless dentist and one who's so gentle and understanding too."

      When seated in the dentist chair, I related the incident to the doctor.

      He laughed and explained, "Oh, that was just my Mother."

      Tags:
      • Doctor
      • Dentist
      • Marriage
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    • "Open wider."

      requested the dentist, as he began his examination of the patient.

      "Good God!"

      he said startled.

      "You've got the biggest cavity I've ever seen - the biggest cavity I've ever seen."

      "OK Doc!"

      replied the patient.

      "I'm scared enough without you saying something like that twice."

      "I didn't!"

      said the dentist.

      "That was the echo."

      Tags:
      • Doctor
      • Dentist
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    • Cloyd went to a Charleston dentist complaining his gums had shriveled up and his teeth were falling out.

      After examining him, the dentist said, "Your mouth is really bad.

      Do you brush?"

      "Ah sure do!"

      replied Cloyd.

      "Every single day!"

      "What do you brush with?"

      asked the dentist, "Preparation H," said the redneck.

      Tags:
      • Dentist
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    • Father: Don't you feel better now that you've gone to the dentist?

      Son: Sure do.

      He wasn't in.

      Tags:
      • Dentist
      00
      Permalink
    • Dentist: Don't worry.

      I'm painless.

      Patient: I'm not.

      Tags:
      • Dentist
      00
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    • I'm suffering from bad breath You should do something about it!

      I did.

      I just sent my wife to the dentist.

      Tags:
      • Dentist
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    • Nigel: You said the school dentist would be painless, but he wasn't.

      Teacher: Did he hurt you?

      Nigel: No, but he screamed when I bit his finger.

      Tags:
      • Dentist
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    • Fred's mother was on the telephone to the boy's dentist.

      "I don't understand it," she complained, "I thought his treatment would only cost me $20, but you've charged me $80."

      "It is usually $20, ma'am," agreed the dentist, "but Fred yelled so loudly that three of my other patients ran away!"

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      • Dentist
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    • Monster: Doctor, doctor, I'm a blood-sucking monster and I keep needing to eat doctors.

      Doctor: Oh what a shame.

      I'm a dentist.

      Tags:
      • Dentist
      00
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    • Patient: "It must be tough spending all day with your hands in someone's mouth."

      Dentist: "I just think of it as having my hands in their wallet."

      Tags:
      • Dentist
      00
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    • Dentist begging the patient: Could you help me?

      Could you give out a few of your loudest, most painful screams?

      Patient: Why?

      Doc, it isn't all that bad this time.

      Dentist: There are so many people in the waiting room right now and I don't want to miss the 4 o'clock ball game.

      Tags:
      • Doctor
      • Dentist
      00
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    • Phoning the florist to order some flowers for her lover's funeral, woman was caught off guard when asked what message she wanted on the card.

      "Message?"

      she sputtered.

      "Well, I guess, 'You will be missed."'

      Visiting the funeral home, she was pleased that her floral tribute had arrived but mortified that the card had her exact words: "I guess you will be missed."

      Tags:
      • Funeral
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    • A monster and a zombie went into a funeral home.

      'I'd like to order a coffin for a friend of mine who has just died,' said the monster.

      'Certainly ma'am,' said the undertaker, 'but there was really no need to bring her with you.'

      Tags:
      • Funeral
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    • Bill: Where did you get that gold watch Joe?

      Joe: I won it in a race.

      Bill: How many people participated in it?

      Joe: Three, a policeman, the owner of the watch, and me!

      Tags:
      • Police
      00
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    • 'It's a pity you've gone on hunger strike,' said the convict's girlfriend on visiting day.

      'Why?'

      'I've put a file in your cake.'

      Tags:
      • Girlfriend
      00
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    • Policeman: Did you know your vehicle was reported stolen?

      Criminal: It wasn't when I took it.

      Tags:
      • Police
      00
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    • A police officer was escorting a prisoner to jail when his hat blew off.

      "Shall I run and get it for you?"

      asked the prisoner obligingly.

      "You must think I'm daft," said the officer.

      "You stand here and I'll get it."

      Tags:
      • Police
      00
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    • A stupid bank robber rushed into a bank, pointed two fingers at the clerk and said, "This is a muck up!"

      "Don't you mean a stick up?"

      asked the girl.

      "No," said the robber, "it's a muck up.

      I've forgotten my gun."

      Tags:
      • Bank
      • Old People
      00
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    • "Dad," said Fred to his father, who was a bank robber.

      "I need $50 for the school trip tomorrow."

      "OK, son," said his dad, "I'll get you the cash when the bank closes."

      Tags:
      • Bank
      00
      Permalink
    • Why did the bowlegged cowboy get fired?

      Because he couldn't keep his calves together!

      Tags:
      • Cowboy
      00
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    • Why can't the bankrupt cowboy complain?

      He has got no beef.

      Tags:
      • Cowboy
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    • Swint and Fess, two Oklahoma cowboys, were resting their horses out on the range.

      "What'd Emmaline give yew for yore birthday?"

      asked Swint.

      "Pair of cufflinks," said Fess.

      "But I ain't got no use for them.

      I can't even find anyplace to get my wrists pierced."

      Tags:
      • Cowboy
      • Birthday
      00
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    • Visitor: Wow, you have a lot of flies buzzing round your horses and cows.

      Do you ever shoo them?

      Cowboy: No we just let them go barefoot.

      Tags:
      • Cowboy
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    • A police officer saw a man dressed as a cowboy in the street, complete with huge stetson hat, spurs, and six shooters.

      "Excuse me, sir," said the police officer, "who are you?"

      "My name's Tex, officer," said the cowboy.

      "eh?"

      said the police officer, "Are you from Texas?"

      "Nope, Louisiana."

      "Louisiana?

      So why are you called Tex?"

      "Don't want to be called Louise, do I?"

      Tags:
      • Cowboy
      • Police
      00
      Permalink
    • What does a cow make when the sun comes out?

      A shadow

      Tags:
      • Cow
      00
      Permalink
    • What has four legs and goes, "Oom!

      Oom!"?

      A cow walking backwards!

      Tags:
      • Cow
      00
      Permalink
    • That tornado damage your cow barn any?

      Dunno.

      Haven't found the durn thing yet!

      Tags:
      • Cow
      00
      Permalink
    • Pa's being chased by a bull!

      Well, what in tarnation do you want me to do about it?

      Get me some film for my camera!

      Tags:
      • Cow
      00
      Permalink
    • I hear you take milk baths.

      That's right.

      Why?

      I can't find a cow tall enough for a shower!

      Tags:
      • Cow
      00
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    • I can't decide whether to buy a bicycle or a cow for my farm.

      Well, wouldn't you look silly riding a cow?

      I'd look a darn sight sillier trying to milk a bicycle!

      Tags:
      • Cow
      00
      Permalink
    • Cow: Why don't you shoo those flies?

      Bull: I'll let them go barefoot!

      Tags:
      • Cow
      00
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    • A summer visitor asked the farmer how long cows should be milked.

      "Oh, I reckon about the same as short ones!"

      the farmer answered.

      Tags:
      • Cow
      • Farmer
      00
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    • Soderling, the star college halfback, was taking a math exam.

      The coach desperately needed him to play in the Syracuse game on Saturday, so the professor agreed to give him an oral exam.

      "All right," said the prof. "How many degrees are there in a circle?"

      "Uh, depends," said the boy.

      "How big is that there circle?"

      Tags:
      • Professor
      00
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    • "Where are my shoes?"

      asked the Iowa State professor as the class ended.

      "They're on your feet," said one of the students.

      "So they are," said the professor.

      "It's a good thing you saw them, or I would have gone home without them!"

      Tags:
      • Professor
      00
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    • Professor: A wise man doubts everything.

      Only a pin-head is positive.

      Student: Are you sure of that, sir?

      Professor: Positive.

      Tags:
      • Professor
      00
      Permalink
    • "Professor, I hear your wife has had twins.

      Boys or girls?"

      "Well, I believe one is a girl and one is a boy but it may be the other way around."

      Tags:
      • Twin
      • Professor
      00
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    • Professor: Heavens!

      Someone stole my wallet!

      Wife: Didn't you feel a hand in your pocket?

      Professor Yes, but I thought it was mine!

      Tags:
      • Professor
      00
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    • President Clinton to maid: Mam, can you do something about Hillary's room.

      She complains that it's the ugliest room in the White House.

      Maid: Yes, Mr. President - I'll remove the mirrors right away.

      Tags:
      • President
      00
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    • What do you get when you cross a crooked politician with a dishonest lawyer?

      Chelsea Clinton

      Tags:
      • Lawyer
      00
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    • What is the best thing that ever came out of Arkansas?

      Highway 55.

      Tags:
      • Marriage
      00
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    • What did Boris Yelstin say when asked if meeting Clinton made want to convert Russia to the type of government they have in America?

      "Never!

      I'm not going to let my wife run the country!"

      Tags:
      • Government
      00
      Permalink
    • Who would become President of the U.S.A if the President died?

      Bill Clinton of course!

      Tags:
      • President
      00
      Permalink
    • Did you know that Clinton's cat can play Chess?

      Inside Information: The cat isn't really all that good at Chess.

      The last time they played best of five, Clinton won three games to two.

      Tags:
      • Cat
      00
      Permalink
    • Why is Chelsea Clinton a miracle child?

      Because lawyers use their personalities for birth control.

      Tags:
      • Lawyer
      00
      Permalink
    • Bill, Hillary, and Al are in a boat.

      The boat sinks.

      Who is saved?

      The United States of America.

      Tags:
      • United States
      00
      Permalink
    • Did you hear Chrysler is introducing a new car to commemorate President Clinton's election?

      It's gonna be called the Dodge Drafter!

      Tags:
      • President
      00
      Permalink
    • What does Teddy Kennedy have that Bill Clinton wishes he did?

      A dead girlfriend.

      Tags:
      • Girlfriend
      00
      Permalink
    • How many Bill Clintons does it take to change a lightbulb?

      Two - One to promise he'll do it better than anyone else and one to obscure the issues.

      Tags:
      • Lightbulb
      00
      Permalink
    • ELF NO.

      1: What did Santa shout to his toys on Christmas Eve?

      ELF NO.

      2: Okay everyone, sack time!

      Tags:
      • Christmas
      00
      Permalink
    • JUDY: What did the ghosts say to Santa Claus?

      MIKE: We'll have a boo Christmas without you.

      Tags:
      • Christmas
      00
      Permalink
    • ELF: Santa, one of the reindeer swallowed my pencil!

      What should I do?

      SANTA: Use a pen.

      Tags:
      • Christmas
      00
      Permalink
    • Who made this Christmas pudding?

      Our chef.

      He's a little green man who lives in a toadstool.

      What did he use to make it?

      Elf-raising flour, of course.

      Tags:
      • Christmas
      00
      Permalink
    • Doctor, Doctor, Father Christmas gives us oranges every Christmas.

      Now I think I'm turning into an orange!

      Have you tried playing squash?

      Tags:
      • Christmas
      00
      Permalink
    • I've had a slight accident with your sleigh, Father Christmas!

      Father Christmas: Oh no!

      That sleigh was in mint condition!

      That's all right....now it's a mint with a hole!

      Tags:
      • Christmas
      00
      Permalink
    • A group of mountain climbers once heard Father Christmas go past.

      They must have had sharp ears!

      They were mountain-ears!

      Tags:
      • Christmas
      00
      Permalink
    • I remember when Father Christmas first passed his sleigh-driving test.

      He came skidding down in front of the toy factory.

      'Have you passed?'

      I asked.

      Father Christmas pointed proudly to the front of the sleigh.

      'See for yourself!'

      he called proudly.

      'No-el plates!'

      Tags:
      • Christmas
      00
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    • Dear Father Christmas, could you please send me some Crocodile shoes!.

      Father Christmas: Can't do that one.

      He hasn't said what size his crocodile takes!

      Tags:
      • Christmas
      00
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    • Dear Father Christmas, this Christmas could you please send me a yellow door.

      Yours, Sherlock Holmes Watson: So why do you want a yellow door Holmes?

      Lemon-entry my dear watson.

      Tags:
      • Christmas
      00
      Permalink
    • What reindeer can jump higher than a house?

      They all can!

      Houses can't jump!

      Tags:
      • Christmas
      00
      Permalink
    • Someone bought Scrooge a clock for Christmas.

      He put it straight in the bank.

      Why did he do that?

      He was trying to save time!

      Tags:
      • Clock
      • Christmas
      00
      Permalink
    • Elf: My favourite film is about the man who casts spells in the middle of a swamp.

      Father Christmas: That's called 'The Wizard of Ooze'!

      Tags:
      • Christmas
      00
      Permalink
    • Father Christmas: What's your favourite Christmas story?

      Elf: The one where the three creatures are scared of the Big Bad Wolf and they grow on trees!

      Father Christmas: You mean 'The Three Little Figs'.

      Tags:
      • Christmas
      • Old People
      00
      Permalink
    • Father Christmas:I like the story about the girl who steals from the rich and gives it all to Granny.

      Elf: That's Little Red Robin Hood'!

      Tags:
      • Christmas
      00
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    • Father Christmas: What's your favourite Christmas story?

      Elf: The one about the ghost that steals porridge!

      Father Christmas: You mean 'Ghoul-di-locks'!

      Tags:
      • Christmas
      • Old People
      00
      Permalink
    • Father Christmas: Excuse me, but did I step on your toes on my way out to get an ice-cream?

      Lady: You certainly did!

      Father Christmas: Oh good!

      That means I'm back in the right row!

      Tags:
      • Christmas
      00
      Permalink
    • Father Christmas lost his umbrella but he didn't get wet!

      Why not?

      Because it wasn't raining!

      Tags:
      • Christmas
      00
      Permalink
    • Can I have a broken drum for Christmas?

      The best thing you could have asked for.

      You can't beat it!

      Tags:
      • Christmas
      00
      Permalink
    • Little Johnny's class were on an outing to their local police station where they saw pictures, of the ten most wanted men, tacked to a bulletin board.

      On the way out of the police station Little Johnny said to the officer, "it was so nice of you to put my daddy's picture up there."

      Tags:
      • Children
      00
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    • After the baby was baptized, her four-year-old brother was crying inconsolably in the back seat of the car.

      "What's the matter Johnny?"

      asked his concerned mother.

      Johnny replied: "that man said that he hoped our baby would be raised in a good Christian home...I just want her to stay with you guys."

      Tags:
      • Children
      00
      Permalink
    • Mother: Let me see your report son.

      Son: Here it is, Mother, but don't show it to Dad.

      He's been helping me!

      Tags:
      • Children
      00
      Permalink
    • A father is asked by his friend, "Has your son decided what he wants to be when he grows up?"

      "Yes, he wants to be a garbage collector," he replies To this his friend responds, "Strange ambition to have for a career."

      "Well, he thinks that garbage collectors only work on Tuesdays!"

      Tags:
      • Children
      00
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    • Andy was away from school for 2 days because he had a flu.

      On the third day when he went back to school, his teacher told him how he felt.

      I feel with my hands Miss!

      Tags:
      • Children
      00
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    • Teacher: "Why do we have a Thanksgiving holiday?"

      Student: "So we know when to start Christmas shopping!"

      Tags:
      • Children
      • Shopping
      • Christmas
      00
      Permalink
    • Grandma: You've left all your crusts, Mary.

      When I was your age I ate every one.

      Mary: Do you still like crusts, Grandma?

      Grandma: Yes, I do.

      Mary: Well, you can have mine.

      Tags:
      • Children
      00
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    • Jennifer: Are you coming to my party?

      Sandra: No, I ain't.

      Jennifer: Now, you know what Miss told us.

      Not ain't.

      It's I am not coming, he is not coming, she is not coming, they are not coming.

      Sandra: Blimey, ain't nobody coming?

      Tags:
      • Children
      00
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    • The second grader was in bed with a cold and high temperature.

      'How high is it, Doctor?'

      she wanted to know.

      'One hundred and three,' said the doctor.

      'What is the world record?'

      Tags:
      • Children
      00
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    • Mandy was applying for a summer job.

      'How old are you?'

      asked the owner of the store.

      'I'm twelve years old, Sir,' answered Mandy.

      'And what do you expect to be when you grow up?'

      'Twenty one, Sir.'

      Tags:
      • Children
      00
      Permalink
    • Trevor: That's a cool pair of stockings you have on Jill.

      One red and one green.

      Jill: Yes, and I have another pair just like it at home.

      Tags:
      • Children
      00
      Permalink
    • Mum: Jackie, go outside and play with your whistle.

      Your father can't read his paper.

      Jackie: Wow, I'm only eight and I can read it

      Tags:
      • Children
      00
      Permalink
    • Mother: I told you not eat cake before supper.

      Daughter: But, Mum, it's part of my homework.

      'If you take an eighth of a cake from a whole cake, how much is left.

      Tags:
      • Children
      • Daughter
      00
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    • On the first day at school the girls were sizing each other up and boasting, trying to make good impressions on each other.

      'I come from a one-parent family,' said one little girl proudly.

      'That's nothing.

      Both my parents remarried after they got divorced.

      I come from a four parent family!'

      Tags:
      • Children
      00
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    • A little girl was next in line.

      'My name's Curtain,' she said.

      'I hope your first name is not Agnate?'

      'No, it's velvet!'

      Tags:
      • Children
      00
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    • Two girls were talking in the corridor.

      'That boy over there is getting on my nerves,' said Clarrie.

      'But he's not even looking at you,' replied Clara.

      'That's what's getting on my nerves,' retorted Clarrie.

      Tags:
      • Children
      00
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    • John kept pestering his parents to buy a video, but they said they couldn't afford one.

      So one day John came home clutching a package containing a brand-new video.

      'Where in the World did you get the money to pay for that?'

      asked his father suspiciously.

      'It's OK, Dad,' replied John, 'I've traded the TV in for it.'

      Tags:
      • Children
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    • A certain little boy had been spanked by his father one morning.

      When his dad came in from the office that evening, the boy called out sulkily, ' Mum!

      your husband's just come home.'

      Tags:
      • Children
      00
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    • Mum: How can you practice your trumpet and listen to the radio at the same time?

      Son: Easy.

      I have two ears!

      Tags:
      • Children
      00
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    • Ben's dad was building a pine bookshelf and Ben was watching and occasionally helping. '

      What are the holes for?'

      Ben asked.

      'They're knot holes,' said his dad.

      'What are they, then, if they're not holes?'

      asked Ben.

      Tags:
      • Children
      00
      Permalink
    • Mum: Haven't you finished filling the salt shaker yet?

      Son: Not yet.

      It's really hard to get the salt through all those little holes!

      Tags:
      • Children
      00
      Permalink
    • Young Jimmy was having a snack after school with his Gran. '

      Would you like another cookie?'

      she asked.

      'Yes, please,' replied Jimmy.

      'What good manners you have,' said his Gran. '

      I do like to hear young people say 'please' and 'thank you'.'

      'I'll say them both if I can have a big piece of that cake,' replied Jimmy!

      Tags:
      • Children
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    • Will and Bill were quarrelling about whose father was the stronger.

      Will said,' Well, you know the Pacific Ocean?

      My father's the one who dug the hole for it.'

      Bill wasn't impressed, ' Well, that's nothing.

      You know the Dead Sea?

      My father's the one who killed it!

      Tags:
      • Children
      00
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    • 'You boy!'

      called a policeman.'

      Can you help?

      We're looking for a man with a huge red nose called Cotters......' 'Really?'

      said the boy.

      'What're his ears called?'

      Tags:
      • Police
      • Children
      00
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    • A little boy went into a baker's' 'How much are those cakes?

      he asked 'Two for 25 cents,' said the baker ' How much does one cost?'

      asked the boy '13 cents,' said the baker 'Then I'll take the other one for 12 cents!'

      said the boy

      Tags:
      • Children
      00
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    • A man out for a walk came across a little boy pulling his cat's tail.

      'Hey you!'

      he shouted, ' don't pull the cat's tail!'

      'I'm not pulling!'

      replied the little boy.

      'I'm only holding on - the cat's pulling!'

      Tags:
      • Children
      00
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    • A little boy came downstairs crying late one night. '

      What's wrong?'

      asked his mother.

      Do people really come from dust, like they said in church?

      he sobbed.

      'In a way they do,' said his mother. '

      And when they die do the turn back to dust?'.

      'Yes, they do.'

      The little boy began to cry again. '

      Well, under my bed there's someone either coming or going!'

      Tags:
      • Children
      00
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    • An honest seven-year-old admitted calmly to her parents that Billy Brown had kissed her after class.

      "How did that happen?, " gasped her mother.

      "It wasn't easy," admitted the young lady, "but three girls helped me catch him!"

      Tags:
      • Children
      00
      Permalink
    • I had a funny dream last night, Mom.

      Did you?

      I dreamed I was awake, but when I woke up I found I was asleep.

      Tags:
      • Children
      00
      Permalink
    • A naughty child was irritating all the passengers on the flight from London to New York.

      At last one man could stand it no longer.

      "Hey kid," he shouted.

      "Why don't you go outside and play?"

      Tags:
      • Children
      • New York
      00
      Permalink
    • Fred: Where does the new kid come from?

      Harry: Alaska.

      Fred: Don't bother - I'll ask her myself.

      Tags:
      • Children
      00
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    • Boy: Grandma, do you know how to croak.

      Grandma: No, I don't think so.

      Why?

      Boy: Because Daddy says he'll be a rich man when you do.

      Tags:
      • Children
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    • "What were you before you came to school, boys and girls?"

      asked the teacher, hoping that someone would say "babies."

      She was disappointed when all the children cried out, "Happy!"

      Tags:
      • Children
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    • Mrs Smith, the biology teacher, was very fond of fish.

      She was also rather deaf, which was great for the children in her class.

      "What Mrs Smith needs," said one of her colleagues, "is a herring-aid."

      Tags:
      • Children
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    • A mother was teaching her 3-year-old the Lord's prayer.

      For several evenings at bedtime she repeated it after her mother.

      One night she said she was ready to solo.

      The mother listened with pride as she carefully enunciated each word, right up to the end of the prayer.

      "Lead us not into temptation," she prayed, "but deliver us some E-mail, Amen."

      Tags:
      • Children
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    • On the way to preschool, the doctor had left her stethoscope on the car seat, and her little girl picked it up and began playing with it.

      'Be still, my heart,' thought my friend, 'my daughter wants to follow in my footsteps!'

      Then the child spoke to the instrument: "Welcome to McDonald's.

      May I take your order?"

      Tags:
      • Children
      • Daughter
      00
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    • "Doctor," said the patient, "I need help!

      I can't stop acting like a cat!"

      "How long have you had this problem?"

      the doctor asked.

      "Lest's see," said the patient, "Mom had the litter in '41"

      Tags:
      • Cat
      • Doctor
      00
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    • Why couldn't the cat speak?

      The dog taped his mouth.

      Tags:
      • Cat
      • Dog
      00
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    • A guy walks into a laundry run by cats.

      "Excuse me", he said to the cat in charge, "Can you get milk stains out?"

      "Sure," replied the cat.

      "We'll have that stain licked in a minute!"

      Tags:
      • Cat
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    • There were four cats in a boat, one jumped out.

      How many were left?

      None.

      They were all copy cats!

      Tags:
      • Cat
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    • A dog thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me...

      They must be Gods!

      A cat thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me...

      I must be a God!

      Tags:
      • Cat
      • Dog
      00
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    • Hawk and Tom were talking in the bar.

      Hawk said," I just got kicked off the course for breaking 60."

      Tom looked at him, amazed. "

      Breaking 60?

      That's amazing!"

      Hawk smiled and said," Yeah, I never knew a golf cart could go that fast!"

      Tags:
      • Golf
      00
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    • Teacher: "Who built the first American car?"

      Student: "Me Pilgrims."

      Teacher: "The Pilgrims?"

      Student: "Yeah, they made the Mayflower Compact."

      Tags:
      • America
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    • "Where's the car?"

      asked Professor Delbert's wife when he got home.

      "Did I take it out?"

      "Yes, you drove it to school this morning."

      "I suppose you're right, my dear.

      I remember now that after I got out, I turned to thank the man who gave me a lift and wondered where he'd gone."

      Tags:
      • Professor
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    • How many auto mechanics does it take to change a light bulb?

      Six - One to force it with a hammer and five to go out for more bulbs.

      Two, one to screw in all the bulbs he has until he finds one that fits, and the other to tell you he thinks he'll have to replace the whole socket.

      Tags:
      • Lightbulb
      00
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    • How many London taxi drivers does it take to change a lightbulb?

      What?

      Go all the way up there and come back empty?

      You must be jokin' mate!

      Tags:
      • Taxi
      • Lightbulb
      00
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    • Policeman: Why were you speeding?

      Motorist: I wasn't going to miss seeing myself on "America's Most Wanted."

      Tags:
      • Police
      • Speeding
      00
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    • Policeman: Why were you speeding?

      Motorist: I was trying to get home before I ran out of gas.

      Tags:
      • Police
      • Speeding
      00
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    • Policeman: Why were you speeding?

      Motorist: I was trying to get away from the crime scene.

      Tags:
      • Police
      • Speeding
      00
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    • Policeman: Why were you speeding?

      Driver: I didn't want to be late for my trial.

      Tags:
      • Police
      • Speeding
      00
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    • Policeman: Why were you speeding when I stopped you?

      Motorist: So I could race home to get my license and registration.

      Tags:
      • Police
      • Speeding
      • Driver's License
      00
      Permalink
    • Policeman: Why were you asleep at the wheel?

      Motorist: Your siren lulled me to sleep.

      Tags:
      • Police
      00
      Permalink
    • Policeman: Why didn't you stop at that red light?

      Motorist: Then you would have caught up with me.

      Tags:
      • Police
      00
      Permalink
    • Policeman: Why didn't you obey that stop sign?

      Driver: I don't believe everything I read.

      Tags:
      • Police
      00
      Permalink
    • Policeman: Why did you crash into that stop sign?

      Motorist: I was only following orders.

      Tags:
      • Police
      00
      Permalink
    • Policeman: Why are you driving without a license?

      Motorist: Because it was revoked months ago.

      Tags:
      • Police
      • Driver's License
      00
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    • Policeman: Why are you driving that car in circles?

      Driver: I was just going for a little spin.

      Tags:
      • Police
      00
      Permalink
    • Policeman: Why are you driving on the sidewalk?

      Motorist: It's too dangerous on the street.

      Tags:
      • Police
      00
      Permalink
    • Policeman: What do you think you're doing parking your car there?

      Motorist: I thought it was good place.

      It says "Safety Zone."

      Tags:
      • Police
      00
      Permalink
    • Policeman: I've had my eye on you for some time now.

      Young Lady: That's funny.

      I thought you were arresting me for speeding.

      Tags:
      • Police
      • Speeding
      00
      Permalink
    • Policeman: How can you say you don't have any outstanding tickets?

      Driver: They're all in the glove compartment.

      Tags:
      • Police
      00
      Permalink
    • Policeman: Didn't you see the signs with the speed limit?

      Driver: I thought they were just suggestions.

      Tags:
      • Police
      00
      Permalink
    • Policeman: Didn't you see that stop sign?

      Driver: I keep my eyes closed in traffic.

      Tags:
      • Police
      00
      Permalink
    • Policeman: Did you realize you just missed that bus with your car?

      Motorist: Did you want me to hit it?

      Tags:
      • Police
      00
      Permalink
    • Policeman: Are you going to a fire?

      Motorist: No, I'm trying to prevent one.

      That's what my boss said would happen if I were late again.

      Tags:
      • Police
      00
      Permalink
    • Police Officer: Why were you speeding?

      Women Driver: I was late for traffic school.

      Tags:
      • Police
      • Speeding
      00
      Permalink
    • Police Officer: Why are you driving in a bathing suit?

      Motorist: I'm in a car pool.

      Tags:
      • Police
      00
      Permalink
    • Motorist: Does a deer have a horn?

      Police Officer: No, a deer has two horns.

      Motorist: Then it must have been a car that ran over my uncle.

      Tags:
      • Police
      00
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    • A motorist ran into a shop.

      "Do you own a black and white cat?"

      he asked.

      "No," replied the manager.

      "Oh dear," said the motorist, "I must have run over a nun."

      Tags:
      • Cat
      00
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    • On Fred's 17th birthday, his Dad said he'd take him out for his first driving lesson.

      As they got in the car, the father said, "Just one thing, Fred.

      If you're going to hit anything, make sure it's cheap."

      Tags:
      • Birthday
      00
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    • Two wizards in a car were driving along and the police were chasing them for speeding.

      One said, "What are we going to do?"

      The other replied, "Quick, turn the car into a side street."

      Tags:
      • Police
      • Speeding
      00
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    • A driver, obviously drunk, was heading the wrong way down a one-way street when a policeman pulled him over.

      "Didn't you see the arrow, buddy?"

      he asked.

      "An arrow?"

      the confused driver said.

      "I didn't even see the Indians"

      Tags:
      • Police
      00
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    • "When you exit the bus, please be sure to lower your head and watch your step."

      "If you miss your step and hit your head, please lower your voice and watch your language.

      Thank you."

      Tags:
      • Language
      00
      Permalink
    • Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road?

      What for?

      He can't see my license plate.

      Tags:
      • Blindness
      • Driver's License
      00
      Permalink
    • While driving along the back roads of a small town, two truckers came to an overpass with a sign that read CLEARANCE 11'3."

      They got out and measured their rig, which was 12'4."

      "What do you think?"

      one asked the other.

      The driver looked around carefully, then shifted into first.

      "Not a cop in sight.

      Let's take a chance!"

      Tags:
      • Police
      • Driving
      00
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    • Boss: "I can assure you that the value of the average employee will continue to increase."

      Employee: "That's because there will be fewer of us doing more work, right?"

      Boss: "Right.

      Except for the 'us' part."

      Tags:
      • Business
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    • Boss: "I've decided to use humor in the office.

      Experts say humor eases tension, which is important in times when the work force is being trimmed.

      Knock knock."

      Employee: "Who's there?"

      Boss: "Not you anymore."

      Tags:
      • Business
      00
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    • 'I'm very sad to announce this morning, girls, that Miss Jones has decided to retire,' said the principal at morning assembly. '

      Now we will all stand and sing this morning's hymn....now Thank We All Our God.'

      Tags:
      • Business
      00
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    • Monster: Stick 'em down.

      Ghost: Don't you mean, stick 'em up.

      Monster: No wonder I'm not making much money in this business.

      Tags:
      • Business
      • Old People
      00
      Permalink
    • "Young man, do you think you can handle a variety of work?"

      "I ought to be able to.

      I've had ten different jobs in four months."

      Tags:
      • Business
      00
      Permalink
    • An applicant was filling out a job application.

      When he came to the question, "Have you ever been arrested?"

      He answered, "No."

      The next question, intended for people who had answered in the affirmative to the last one, was "Why?"

      The applicant answered it anyway: "Never got caught."

      Tags:
      • Business
      00
      Permalink
    • An Arthur Anderson partner comes back to his office and says to his manager, "Did you get my message where I said, 'Ship the Enron documents to the Feds'?"

      The manager goes white.

      "Oh My God!

      I thought you said rip the Enron documents to shreds."

      Tags:
      • Business
      00
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    • "The fees for withdrawing money from your ATM machines are expected to double, even triple.

      You're gonna pay two to three as much to withdraw your money so basically the ATM machines have become full service.

      Instead of getting robbed at the ATM machine the ATM machine robs you.

      You eliminate the middle man."

      - Jay Leno

      Tags:
      • Business
      00
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    • A wealthy investor walked into a bank and said to the bank manager, "I would like to speak with Mr. Reginald Jones, who I understand is a tried and trusted employee of yours."

      The banker said, "Yes he certainly was trusted.

      And he will be tried as soon as we catch him."

      Tags:
      • Bank
      • Business
      00
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    • The banker fell overboard from a friend's sailboat.

      The friend grabbed a life preserver, held it up, not knowing if the banker could swim, and shouted, "Can you float alone?"

      "Obviously," the banker replied, "but this is a heck of a time to talk business."

      Tags:
      • Business
      00
      Permalink
    • What do you call a credit union volunteer in a room full of bank directors?

      A superior being.

      Tags:
      • Business
      00
      Permalink
    • What does Santa call his wife at tax time?

      A dependent Claus.

      Tags:
      • Business
      00
      Permalink
    • Two neighbors were talking about work, when one asked, "Say, why did the foreman fire you?"

      Replied the second, "Well, you know how a foreman is always standing around and watching others do the work.

      My foreman got jealous.

      People started thinking I was the foreman."

      Tags:
      • Business
      00
      Permalink
    • The boss returned from lunch in a good mood and called the whole staff in to listen to a couple of jokes he had picked up.

      Everybody, but one girl laughed uproariously.

      "What's the matter?"

      grumbled the boss.

      "Haven't you got a sense of humor?"

      "I don't have to laugh," she replied.

      "I'm leaving Friday."

      Tags:
      • Business
      00
      Permalink
    • An elderly fisherman wrote to a mail order house the following: "Please send me one of those gasoline engines for my boat you show on page 438, and if it's any good, I'll send you a check."

      In a short time he received the following reply: "Please send check.

      If it's any good, we'll send the engine."

      Tags:
      • Business
      00
      Permalink
    • Smith goes to see his supervisor in the front office.

      "Boss," he says, "we're doing some heavy house-cleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff."

      "We're short-handed, Smith" the boss replies.

      "I can't give you the day off."

      "Thanks, boss," says Smith "I knew I could count on you!"

      Tags:
      • Business
      00
      Permalink
    • A man walks into a shoe store, and tries on a pair of shoes.

      "How do they feel?"

      asks the sales clerk.

      "Well they feel a bit tight," replies the man.

      The assistant promptly bends down and has a look at the shoes and at the man's feet.

      "Try pulling the tongue out," the clerk says.

      "Well, theyth sthill feelth a bith tighth."

      Tags:
      • Business
      00
      Permalink
    • A man went to apply for a job.

      After filling out all of his applications, he waited anxiously for the outcome.

      The employer read all his applications and said, "We have an opening for people like you."

      "Oh, great," he said, "What is it?"

      "It's called the door!"

      Tags:
      • Business
      00
      Permalink
    • This guy is walking with his friend.

      He says to this friend, "I'm a walking economy."

      The friend replies "How so?"

      "My hair line is in recession, my stomach is a victim of inflation, and both of these together are putting me into a deep depression!"

      Tags:
      • Business
      00
      Permalink
    • A businessman was confused about a bill he had received, so he asked his secretary for some mathematical help.

      "If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"

      he asked her.

      The secretary replied, "Everything but my earrings."

      Tags:
      • Business
      00
      Permalink
    • The new employee stood before the paper shredder looking confused.

      "Need some help?"

      a secretary asked.

      "Yes," he replied.

      "How does this thing work?"

      "Simple," she said, taking the fat report from his hand and feeding it into the shredder.

      "Thanks, but where do the copies come out?"

      Tags:
      • Fat
      • Business
      00
      Permalink
    • Two cannibals were having their dinner.

      One said to the other, 'I don't like your friend.'

      The other one replied, 'Well put her to one side and just eat the greens.'

      Tags:
      • Cannibal
      00
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    • Two cannibals were having lunch.

      'Your girlfriend makes a great soup,' said one to the other.

      'Yes!'

      agreed the first.

      'But, I'm going to miss her terribly.'

      Tags:
      • Cannibal
      • Girlfriend
      00
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    • 1st Cannibal: I don't know what to make of my boyfriend these days.

      2nd Cannibal: How about a hotpot?

      Tags:
      • Boyfriend
      00
      Permalink
    • "Well, children," said the cannibal cooking teacher.

      "What did you make of the new English teacher?"

      "Burgers, ma'am."

      Tags:
      • Children
      00
      Permalink
    • Two cannibals were having their dinner.

      One said to the other "I don't like your friend."

      The other one said, "Well, put him to one side and just eat the vegetables."

      Tags:
      • Cannibal
      00
      Permalink
    • What is a bus?

      A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.

      Tags:
      • Bus
      00
      Permalink
    • Which end of a bus is it best to get off?

      It doesn't matter.

      Both ends stop.

      Tags:
      • Bus
      00
      Permalink
    • Janet: What's the difference between a cake and a school bus?

      Jill: I don't know.

      Janet: I'm glad I didn't send you to pick up my birthday cake!

      Tags:
      • Bus
      • Birthday
      00
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    • 'Is everyone in the bus?'

      asked the driver before he closed the door.

      'No,' called a lady, 'wait until I get my clothes on.'

      All the passengers in the bus turned towards the door to look at the woman.

      She got on with a bag full of laundry.

      Tags:
      • Bus
      00
      Permalink
    • Do buses and trains run on time?

      Usually, yes.

      No, they don't.

      Buses run on wheels and trains run on the tracks.

      Tags:
      • Bus
      00
      Permalink
    • What have I got in my hands?

      A double decker bus!

      You looked!

      Tags:
      • Bus
      00
      Permalink
    • Have you heard that all the buses and trains are stopping today?

      No.

      Is there a strike?

      No, they're stopping to let the passengers off.

      Tags:
      • Bus
      00
      Permalink
    • Sam left work after a tiring day.

      'Take the bus home,' suggested a friend.

      'My mother would only make me take it back,' Sam said.

      Tags:
      • Bus
      00
      Permalink
    • Passenger: Does this bus go to London?

      Conductor: No.

      Passenger: But it says London on the front.

      Conductor: There's an advertisement for baked beans on the side, but we don't sell them!

      Tags:
      • Bus
      00
      Permalink
    • A man trying to get on an overcrowded bus was pushed off by the people inside.

      There's no room,' they said.

      'It's full up!'

      'But you must let me on!'

      shouted the man.

      'Why, what's so special about you?'

      they asked.

      I'm the driver,' replied the man.

      Tags:
      • Bus
      00
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    • As the bus came to the stop, the man at the front of the queue took out his eye, threw it up in the air and caught it before getting on the bus.

      An amazed conductor said, 'What on Earth did you do that for?'

      'I wanted to know if there was room on top,' replied the man.

      Tags:
      • Bus
      00
      Permalink
    • Passenger: Will this bus take me to New York?

      Driver: Which part?

      Passenger: All of me, of course!

      Tags:
      • Bus
      • New York
      00
      Permalink
    • A man standing at a bus stop was eating a hamburger.

      Next to him stood a lady with her little dog, which became very excited at the smell of the man's supper and began whining and jumping up at him.

      "Do you mind if I throw him a bit?"

      said the man to the lady.

      "Not at all," she replied, whereupon the man picked the dog up and threw it over a wall.

      Tags:
      • Bus
      • Dog
      00
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    • Alfie was listening to his sister practice her singing. '

      Sis,' he said, 'I wish you'd sing Christmas carols.'

      'That's nice of you, Alfie,' she replied.

      'Why?'

      'Then I'd only have to hear you once a year!'

      Tags:
      • Christmas
      00
      Permalink
    • Big Brother: That planet over there is Mars.

      Little Brother: Then that other one must be Pa's.

      Tags:
      • Mars
      00
      Permalink
    • How do you electrocute a blonde?

      Tell her to demonstrate the proper usage of an electric chair.

      Tags:
      • Blonde
      00
      Permalink
    • What do blondes eat to increase their breast size?

      Silicone chips.

      Tags:
      • Blonde
      00
      Permalink
    • What is a blonde's definition of a naval destroyer?

      A hula hoop with a nail in it.

      Tags:
      • Blonde
      00
      Permalink
    • What do you call a blonde sky diving team?

      A new version of the lawn dart's game.

      Tags:
      • Blonde
      00
      Permalink
    • Did you hear about the blonde that got pregnant for the second time?

      She asked her husband if they needed to get married again.

      Tags:
      • Blonde
      00
      Permalink
    • What can save a dying blonde?

      Hair transplants.

      Tags:
      • Blonde
      00
      Permalink
    • What do you call a blonde holding a balloon?

      Siamese twins.

      Tags:
      • Twin
      • Blonde
      00
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    • Why was the blonde confused after giving birth to twins?

      She couldn't figure out who the other mother was.

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    • Did you hear about the blonde who stood in front of a mirror with her eyes closed?

      She wanted to see what she looked like asleep.

      Tags:
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    • Did you hear about the new form of birth control for blondes?

      They take off their makeup.

      Tags:
      • Blonde
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    • Why can't blondes make ice cubes?

      They always forget the recipe.

      Tags:
      • Blonde
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    • What does a blonde say when you asked her what the last two words of the national anthem are?

      Play ball.

      Tags:
      • Blonde
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    • How do you keep a blonde in suspense?

      Give her a mirror and tell her to wait for the other person to say 'hi.'

      Tags:
      • Blonde
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    • Did you hear about the blonde that almost caused a car accident?

      The spare tire in her trunk blew out.

      Tags:
      • Blonde
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    • What's a blonde's favorite color?

      A light shade of clear.

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      • Blonde
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    • How does a blonde hemophiliac treat herself?

      Acupuncture.

      Tags:
      • Blonde
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    • Why did the blonde only smell good on the right side?

      She didn't know where to buy Left Guard!

      Tags:
      • Blonde
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    • Did you hear about the blonde who gave her cat a bath?

      She still hasn't gotten all the hair off her tongue.

      Tags:
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      • Blonde
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    • Where do you look for blonde's obituaries?

      Under "Home Improvements."

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      • Blonde
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    • How can you tell which tricycle belongs to the blonde?

      It is the one with the kickstand.

      Tags:
      • Blonde
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    • Why do blondes occupy about 90% of the net bandwidth?

      Because they keep accidentally deleting their copies of the blonde joke list.

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      • Blonde
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    • How did the blonde kill her toy poodle?

      Trying to put batteries in it.

      Tags:
      • Blonde
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    • What do you call a blonde in a leather jacket?

      Married.

      Tags:
      • Blonde
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    • What did the blonde do when she found out she was pregnant with triplets?

      She went looking for the three guys.

      Tags:
      • Blonde
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    • How can you tell if a cat is blonde?

      No matter what height you drop it from it always lands on its head.

      Tags:
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      • Blonde
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    • How do you know a blonde has been using a dishwasher?

      It's clogged up with paper plates.

      Tags:
      • Blonde
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    • How do blondes pierce their ears?

      They put tacks in their shoulder pads.

      Tags:
      • Blonde
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    • Why did the blonde jump off the cliff?

      She thought her maxi pad had wings

      Tags:
      • Blonde
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    • How can you tell a blonde is being unfaithful?

      Everybody in the neighborhood is going to the pharmacy for penicillin.

      Tags:
      • Blonde
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    • A blonde, brunette and a redhead had a breaststroke swimming race across the English Channel.

      The brunette came in first, the redhead came in second and the blonde never finished.

      When the blonde got in the lifeboat she said, "I don't want to be a tattletale or anything, but the other two used their arms."

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    • A German woman is walking down the street.

      Eleven blonde guys walk up and attack her.

      She screams, "Nein!

      Nein!"

      So two guys walk away.

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    • What did the blonde do when she noticed that someone had already written on the overhead transparency?

      She turned it over and used the other side.

      Tags:
      • Blonde
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    • Why did eighteen blondes go to the movies together?

      They heard that under seventeen weren't admitted!

      Tags:
      • Blonde
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    • Why couldn't the blonde write the number ELEVEN?

      Because she didn't know which one came first!

      Tags:
      • Blonde
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    • Why do blondes wear their hair up?

      To catch everything that goes over their heads

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      • Blonde
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    • What did the blonde think of the new computer?

      She didn't like it because she couldn't get channel 9.

      Tags:
      • Blonde
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    • Why don't blondes eat bananas?

      They can't find the zipper.

      They can't find the pull tab.

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      • Blonde
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    • What happens when a blonde gets Alzheimer's disease?

      Her IQ goes up!

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      • Blonde
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    • Why do blondes drive VWs?

      Because they can spell it.

      Tags:
      • Blonde
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    • What is 74 to a blonde?

      69 plus VAT

      Tags:
      • Blonde
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    • Where do blondes go to meet their relatives?

      The vegetable garden.

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      • Blonde
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    • What do you call it when a blonde gets taken over by a demon?

      A vacant possession.

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      • Blonde
      • Police
      • Driving
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    • What did the blonde's dentist find?

      Teeth in the cavity.

      Tags:
      • Blonde
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    • What is a blonde doing when she holds her hands tightly over her ears?

      She's trying to hold on to a thought.

      Tags:
      • Blonde
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    • What kinds of people don't get invited to blonde parties?

      Women!

      Tags:
      • Blonde
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    • "Have you heard my knock-knock joke?"

      asked the blonde.

      "No," said the brunette.

      "Okay," said the blonde, "you start."

      Tags:
      • Blonde
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    • Why do brunettes know so many blonde jokes?

      Gives 'em something to do on Saturday night!

      Tags:
      • Blonde
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    • What do a blonde and a car have in common?

      They can both drive you crazy.

      Tags:
      • Blonde
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    • A blonde walks down the street and sees a banana peel a hundred yards ahead, and she sighs.

      "Here we go again."

      Tags:
      • Blonde
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    • Why did the mirror have 6 holes in it?

      A blonde tried to shoot herself!

      Tags:
      • Blonde
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    • A brunette walks into a bar and says, "Gimme an M L." The bartender says, "What's an M L?"

      The brunette says, "A Miller Light."

      Another brunette walks in and says, "Gimme a B L" The bartender says, "What's a B L?"

      She says, "Bud Light."

      A dumb blonde walks in and says, "Gimme a 15."

      The bartender says, "What's a fifteen?"

      The blonde says, "7&7, duh!"

      Tags:
      • Bar
      • Blonde
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    • A blonde guy and a brunette girl were happily married and about to have a baby.

      One day, the wife started having contractions, so the husband rushed her to the hospital.

      He held her hand as she went through a trying birth.

      In the end, there were two little baby boys.

      The blonde guy turned to his wife and angrily said, "All right, who's the other father!?!"

      Tags:
      • Blonde
      • Hospital
      • Marriage
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    • Why did the blonde quit his restroom attendant job?

      He couldn't figure out how to refill the hand dryer!

      Tags:
      • Blonde
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    • What are the blonde's first words after 4 years of college?

      "Would you like fries with that?"

      Tags:
      • Blonde
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    • A brunette doing laundry asked her blonde friend to help her find a match for her sock.

      The blonde replied, "What for?

      Are you going to set it on fire!"

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    • A blonde was filling out an application form for a job.

      She promptly filled the columns entitled NAME, AGE, ADDRESS, etc.

      Then she came to the column: SALARY EXPECTED.

      "Yes."

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    • Once there was the tooth fairy, Santa Claus, Easter bunny, a smart blonde and a dumb blonde they were walking down the road when they saw a $100 dollars bill who gets it??

      No one the first four don't exist and the other blonde thought it was a gum wrapper!

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      • Blonde
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    • A blonde's house is on fire.

      She runs outside and yells, "Help me!

      My house is on fire!

      What do I do?!"

      Someone else yells, "Call 911!"

      The blonde yells back, "What's the number?"

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      • Blonde
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    • A man works in the operations department of a large bank.

      Employees call him from the field when they have problems with their computers.

      One night a blonde woman from a branch bank called him and said, "I've got smoke coming from the back of my computer terminal.

      Do you guys have a fire downtown?"

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    • One day a blonde went to a sea food restaurant and saw the tank where they kept the lobsters.

      She took pity on these creatures and hid them in her purse.

      Later she went to the woods to set the poor animals free.

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      • Blonde
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    • This executive was interviewing a nervous young blonde women for a position in his company.

      He wanted to find out something about her personality so he asked, "If you could have a conversation with someone, living or dead, who would it be?"

      The blonde quickly responded, "The living one."

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    • A blonde gets her first period, so she goes to the drugstore to get some pads.

      The wide selection and huge variety confuse her, so she asks the clerk for some help.

      "What kind of pads should I get?"

      she says.

      "This is all new to me."

      "Well," says the clerk, "that depends on the flow."

      She says, "It's ceramic tile."

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    • Two blondes are walking down the street.

      One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up.

      She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, "Hmmm, this person looks familiar."

      The second blonde says, "Here, let me see!"

      So the first Blonde hands her the compact.

      She looks in the mirror and says, "You dummy, it's me!"

      Tags:
      • Blonde
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    • A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night.

      It was her turn, she rolled the dice and she landed on "Science and Nature."

      Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"

      She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"

      Tags:
      • Blonde
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    • A blonde was taking the tour of a national park not long ago.

      The ranger mentioned to the tour group that dinosaur fossils had been found in the area.

      The blonde exclaimed, "Wow!

      I can't believe the dinosaurs would come this close to the highway!"

      Tags:
      • Blonde
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    • While shopping at the grocery store, I noticed that the tuna packed in spring water was labeled dolphin safe, but the tuna packed in oil was not.

      I mentioned this fact to the blonde cashier and mused out loud, "I wonder why?"

      The blonde replied, "Must be because the oil would suffocate them."

      Tags:
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      • Shopping
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    • A friend meets up with her friend as she is picking her car up from the mechanic.

      Her friend asks, "Everything ok with your car now?"

      The blonde replies, "Yes, thank goodness.

      I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off, so I was relieved when he told me all I needed was blinker fluid."

      Tags:
      • Blonde
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    • Why should you keep a blonde on the job 7 days a week?

      So you don't have to retrain them every Monday.

      Tags:
      • Blonde
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    • Why do Blondes wear padded shoulders?

      So they don't get a concussion while bobbing their from head side to side as they are saying "I don't know?"

      whenever you ask them a question.

      Tags:
      • Blonde
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    • What happens when a Blonde eats a mosquito?

      She has more brain cells in her stomach than her head.

      Tags:
      • Blonde
      00
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    • What would you call a bunch of blondes stacked on top of each other?

      An air mattress.

      Tags:
      • Blonde
      00
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    • ...

      Why would a blonde wear green lipstick?

      Because red means Stop.

      Tags:
      • Blonde
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    • Why do blondes stand under light bulbs?

      It's the closest they'll come to a bright idea.

      Tags:
      • Blonde
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    • Why do blondes put rulers on their foreheads?

      They want to measure their intelligence.

      Tags:
      • Blonde
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    • Why don't blondes like buttered toast?

      They can't figure out which side the butter goes on.

      Tags:
      • Blonde
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    • How can you tell when a blonde rejects a new brain transplant?

      She sneezes.

      Tags:
      • Blonde
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    • A blonde and a brunette are sky-diving.

      The brunette jumps out the plane and pulls the cord - nothing happens.

      She pulls the emergency cord and still nothing.

      The blonde jumps out of the plane and yells "Oh!

      So you wanna race, huh?"

      Tags:
      • Blonde
      • Airplane
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    • Teller: Why did the blonde move to L.A.?

      Blonde: I don't know.

      Why?

      Teller: It was easier to spell.

      Blonde: Easier than what?

      Tags:
      • Blonde
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    • Why did the blonde fail her drivers licence?

      She wasn't used to the front seat!

      Tags:
      • Blonde
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    • Did you hear what the blonde who was opening a new bar said when her lawyer explained to her that she needed a liquor license?

      "Oh, it's not gonna be THAT kind of a bar.

      That's disgusting!"

      Tags:
      • Blonde
      • Lawyer
      • Driver's License
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    • Why couldn't the blonde write the number ELEVEN?

      She didn't know what ONE came first...

      Tags:
      • Blonde
      00
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    • What can strike a blonde without her even knowing it?

      A thought.

      Tags:
      • Blonde
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    • How did the blonde break her leg playing hockey with the Toronto Maple Leafs?

      She fell out of the tree.

      Tags:
      • Blonde
      00
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    • How do you keep a blonde in suspense?

      (I'll tell you tomorrow.)

      Tags:
      • Blonde
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    • What job function does a blonde have in an M&M factory?

      Proofreading.

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      • Blonde
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    • What are the worst six years in a blonde's life?

      Third Grade.

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      • Blonde
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    • Why did the blonde want to become a veterinarian?

      Because she loved children.

      Tags:
      • Blonde
      • Children
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    • Why don't blondes have elevator jobs?

      They don't know the route.

      Tags:
      • Blonde
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    • A policeman pulled a blonde over after he/she'd been driving the wrong way on a one-way street.

      Cop: Do you know where you were going?

      Blonde: No, but wherever it is, it must be bad 'cause all the people were leaving.

      Tags:
      • Blonde
      • Police
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    • What do you call a blonde in an institution of higher learning?

      A visitor.

      Tags:
      • Blonde
      00
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    • What is the blonde's chronic speech impediment?

      She can't say "No".

      Tags:
      • Blonde
      00
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    • How do you know when a blonde has been making chocolate chip cookies?

      You find M&M shells all over the kitchen floor.

      Tags:
      • Blonde
      00
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    • Why are blondes hurt by people's words?

      Because people keep hitting them with dictionaries.

      Tags:
      • Blonde
      00
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    • What do you call a fly buzzing inside a blonde's head?

      A Space Invader.

      Tags:
      • Blonde
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    • What do you call 15 blondes in a circle?

      A dope ring.

      Tags:
      • Blonde
      00
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    • Why do blondes drive BMWs?

      Because they can spell it.

      Because they can spell BWM.

      Tags:
      • Blonde
      00
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    • What's the difference between a blonde and a supermarket trolley?

      The supermarket trolley has a mind of its own.

      Tags:
      • Blonde
      00
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    • How does a blonde kill a worm?

      She buries it.

      Tags:
      • Blonde
      00
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    • How did the blonde try to kill the bird?

      She threw it off a cliff.

      Tags:
      • Blonde
      00
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    • A brunette and a blonde are walking along in a park.

      The brunette says suddenly, "Awww, look at the dead birdie."

      The blonde stops, looks up, and says, "Where?"

      Tags:
      • Blonde
      00
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    • What does a blonde make best for dinner?

      Reservations.

      Tags:
      • Blonde
      00
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    • How did the blonde die drinking milk?

      The cow fell on her.

      Tags:
      • Blonde
      • Drinking
      00
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    • What does a blonde say when you ask her if her blinker is working?

      Yes.

      No.

      Yes.

      No.

      Yes.

      No.

      Yes.

      No.

      Yes.

      No.

      Tags:
      • Blonde
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    • One day, a blonde and her friend were walking through the park.

      Suddenly, the blonde's friend said, "Oh, look, a dead birdie!"

      The blonde looked up and said, "Where?"

      Tags:
      • Blonde
      00
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    • What did the blonde say when she knocked over a priceless Ming vase?

      "It's okay Daddy, I'm not hurt."

      Tags:
      • Blonde
      00
      Permalink
    • How do you drown a blonde?

      Put a mirror at the bottom of the pool.

      Stick a scratch and sniff sticker at the bottom of the pool.

      Tags:
      • Blonde
      00
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    • Why do blondes have more fun?

      They are easier to keep amused.

      Tags:
      • Blonde
      00
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    • What does a blonde say when you blow in her ear?

      "Thanks for the refill!"

      Tags:
      • Blonde
      00
      Permalink
    • How did the blonde die ice-fishing?

      She was run over by the zambonis machine.

      Tags:
      • Blonde
      • Police
      • Driving
      00
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    • What do you call a blonde in a leather jacket?

      A rebel without a clue!

      Tags:
      • Blonde
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    • A blonde walks into a hair salon to get her hair cut wearing headphones.

      The stylist asks her to take off her headphones but the blonde refuses.

      So the stylist takes them off and the blonde collapses to the ground and dies.

      The stylist picks up the headphones and hears, "Breathe in, breathe out.

      Breathe in, breathe out..."

      Tags:
      • Blonde
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    • One day there was a blonde riding a horse.

      The horse kept going faster and faster until the blonde fell off, with her foot getting stuck in the stirrup.

      Hearing her screams for help, finally a Wal-Mart clerk came over and turned off the merry-go-round.

      Tags:
      • Blonde
      00
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    • What is a brunette between two blondes?

      An interpreter.

      Tags:
      • Blonde
      00
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    • What is the fastest way to get a one-armed blonde out of a tree?

      Wave at her.

      Tags:
      • Blonde
      00
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    • What is eternity?

      When 4 blondes meet at a 4-way-stop-sign-intersection!

      Tags:
      • Blonde
      00
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    • Why do blondes always smile during lightning storms?

      They think their picture is being taken.

      Tags:
      • Blonde
      00
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    • One day 2 blondes decided to drive to Disney Land.

      When they saw a sign that said 'Disney Land left' they turned around and went home.

      Tags:
      • Blonde
      00
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    • Why was the blonde in the tree?

      Because she was raking up the leaves!

      Tags:
      • Blonde
      00
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    • What did the blonde do when she heard that 90% of accidents occur around the home?

      She moved.

      Tags:
      • Blonde
      00
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    • Why is the blonde's brain the size of a pea in the morning?

      It swells at night.

      Tags:
      • Blonde
      00
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    • When does a brunette have 1/2 of a brain?

      After a dye job.

      Tags:
      • Blonde
      00
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    • Why can't blondes put in light bulbs?

      They keep breaking them with the hammers.

      Tags:
      • Blonde
      00
      Permalink
    • Did you hear about the blonde skydiver?

      She missed the Earth!

      Tags:
      • Blonde
      00
      Permalink
    • How do you confuse a blonde?

      Ask her to alphabetize a bag of M&Ms.

      Tags:
      • Blonde
      00
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    • Why did the blonde try and steal a police car?

      She saw "911" on the back and thought it was a Porsche.

      Tags:
      • Blonde
      00
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    • Why did the blonde drive into the ditch?

      To turn the blinker off.

      Tags:
      • Blonde
      00
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    • Why did the blonde keep a coat hanger in her back seat?

      In case she locks the keys in her car.

      Tags:
      • Blonde
      00
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    • What's the difference between a blonde and a computer?

      You only have to punch information into a computer once.

      What's the Blonde's cheer?

      " I'm blonde, I'm blonde, I'm B.L.O.N....ah, oh well..

      I'm blonde, I'm blonde, yea yea yea..."

      Tags:
      • Blonde
      00
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    • What do peroxide blondes and black men have in common?

      They both have black roots.

      Tags:
      • Blonde
      00
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    • What do you say to a Blonde that won't give in?

      "Have another beer."

      Tags:
      • Blonde
      00
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    • What does a blonde put behind her ears to make her more attractive?

      Her ankles.

      Tags:
      • Blonde
      00
      Permalink
    • What's the difference between a blonde and a solar powered calculator?

      The blonde works in the dark!

      Tags:
      • Blonde
      00
      Permalink
    • Postcard from a blonde: Having a wonderful time.

      Where am I?

      Tags:
      • Blonde
      00
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    • Two blondes were in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their car with a coat hanger.

      First Blonde: "I can't seem to get this door unlocked!"

      Second Blonde: "Well you better hurry up.

      It's starting to rain and the top is down!"

      Tags:
      • Blonde
      00
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    • How did a blind woman pierce her ear?

      Answering the stapler.

      Tags:
      • Blindness
      00
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    • How did a blind man drive his car?

      One hand on the wheel; the other on the road.

      Tags:
      • Blindness
      00
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    • Why was a blind man's leg wet?

      Her dog was blind too.

      Tags:
      • Dog
      • Blindness
      00
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    • How did a blind man meet his wife?

      On a blind date!

      Tags:
      • Blindness
      00
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    • How did a blind man get poke marks on his face?

      Learning to eat with a fork.

      Tags:
      • Blindness
      00
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    • How did a blind girl burn her fingers?

      Reading the waffle iron

      Tags:
      • Blindness
      00
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    • How did a blind woman drive herself crazy?

      Trying to read a stucco wall.

      Tags:
      • Blindness
      00
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    • Cat: "What did you get him for his birthday?"

      Dog: "Pant .

      .

      .

      pant!"

      Cat: "Great .

      .

      .

      he needs a pair of pants!"

      Tags:
      • Cat
      • Dog
      • Birthday
      00
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    • Man l: "I got my wife a VCP for her birthday" Man 2: "Don't you mean a VCR?"

      Man 1: "No, a VCP .

      .

      .

      Very Cheap Present!"

      Tags:
      • Birthday
      • Old People
      00
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    • "I'm giving a 'surprised' birthday party for you."

      "A 'surprised'.

      birthday party?

      What's that?"

      "That's where I invite a bunch of your friends, and if any of them come, I'll be surprised!"

      Tags:
      • Birthday
      00
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    • "I guess I didn't get my birthday wish."

      "How do you know?"

      "You're still here!"

      Tags:
      • Birthday
      00
      Permalink
    • A St. Louis mother telephoned the capital building over in Jefferson City and asked to speak to the game warden.

      After being switched from office to office, a voice finally said, "Hello."

      "Are you the game warden?"

      she asked.

      "Yes."

      "Finally Ah've got the right person!"

      she said.

      "Could yaw'l gimme some help with my son's birthday party?"

      Tags:
      • Birthday
      • St. Peter
      00
      Permalink
    • BoyFriend: Why didn't you give me anything for my birthday?

      GirlFriend: You told me to surprise you.

      Tags:
      • Birthday
      • Boyfriend
      • Girlfriend
      00
      Permalink
    • Fred: Do you like the dictionary I bought you for your birthday?

      Harry: Sure.

      It's a great present but I just can't find the words to thank you enough.

      Tags:
      • Birthday
      00
      Permalink
    • Dad bought Mum a bone-china tea set for her birthday.

      How lovely!

      Yes, but he only did it so as not to have to do the washing-up.

      Mum's too frightened he'll break it!

      Tags:
      • Birthday
      00
      Permalink
    • I've been shopping for my wife's birthday present.

      What did you get her?

      A bottle of expensive toilet water.

      It cost 20.

      20!

      Why didn't you come to my house - you could have had some of ours for free!

      Tags:
      • Toilet
      • Birthday
      • Shopping
      00
      Permalink
    • I forgot my brother's birthday last month.

      What did he say?

      Rick: Nothing, yet.

      Tags:
      • Birthday
      00
      Permalink
    • How old were you on your last birthday?

      Eight.

      And how old will you be on your next birthday?

      Ten.

      Oh, I don't think that's possible.

      Oh, yes it is - I'm nine today.

      Tags:
      • God
      • Birthday
      00
      Permalink
    • Sam's girlfriend's birthday was the same day as his father's.

      He bought his girlfriend a bottle of perfume and his father a pistol.

      He wrapped the perfume and wrote a note to his girlfriend, saying, 'Use this all over yourself and think of me.'

      Unfortunately he put the note on his father's present.

      Tags:
      • Birthday
      • Girlfriend
      00
      Permalink
    • I'd like to say something nice about you as it's your birthday.

      Why don't you?

      Because I can't think of a single thing to say!

      Tags:
      • Birthday
      00
      Permalink
    • Fred: I was going to buy you a handkerchief for your birthday.

      Harry: That was a kind thought.

      But why didn't you?

      Fred: I couldn't find one big enough for your nose.

      Tags:
      • Birthday
      00
      Permalink
    • Fred: Have you noticed that your mother smells a bit funny these days?

      Harry: No.

      Why?

      Fred: Well, your sister told me she was giving her a bottle of toilet water for her birthday.

      Tags:
      • Toilet
      • Birthday
      00
      Permalink
    • Good news!

      I've been given a goldfish for my birthday .

      .

      .the bad news is that I don't get the bowl until my next birthday!

      Tags:
      • News
      • Birthday
      00
      Permalink
    • "Look at that speed!"

      said one hawk to another as the jet fighter plane hurtled over their heads.

      "Hmph!"

      snorted the other.

      "You would fly fast too if your tail was on fire!"

      Tags:
      • Bird
      00
      Permalink
    • A couple of pigeons made a date to meet on the ledge outside the tenth floor of a skyscraper.

      The female was there on time, but the male arrived an hour late.

      "Where were you?

      I was worried sick."

      "It was such nice day, I decided to walk."

      Tags:
      • Bird
      • Dating
      00
      Permalink
    • Teacher: What's the definition of a Polygamist?

      Pupil: A parrot with more than one wife!

      Tags:
      • Bird
      00
      Permalink
    • My parrot lays square eggs but can only say one word.

      What's that?

      Ouch!

      Tags:
      • Bird
      00
      Permalink
    • An 8th grade boy was doing some research for his career report at school.

      He asks his dad, "Father, how many wildlife biologists work for the Federal Government?"

      The honest father replies, "Oh, I would say at least half of 'em."

      Tags:
      • Government
      00
      Permalink
    • The cyclist, passing a pedestrian crossing, runs into a man, and they both fall down.

      -"Geez, are you lucky."

      The cyclist says.

      -"What do you mean by lucky?"

      The pedestrian angrily asks.

      "I got hurt really bad."

      -"Ah, you're lucky because I recently lost my license.

      I usually drive a bus."

      Tags:
      • Bicycle
      • Old People
      • Driver's License
      00
      Permalink
    • The school teacher was furious when Brad knocked him down with his new bicycle in the school yard.

      "Don't you know how to ride that yet?"

      he roared.

      "Oh yes!"

      shouted Brad over his shoulder.

      "It's the bell I can't work yet."

      Tags:
      • Bicycle
      00
      Permalink
    • Our bank manager can't ride a bike any more.

      Why not?

      He lost his balance.

      Tags:
      • Bicycle
      00
      Permalink
    • Johnny was racing around the garden on his new bicycle and called out to his mother to watch his tricks.

      'Look, Mum!

      No hands!

      Look, Mum!

      No feet!

      Waaah!

      Look, Mum!

      No teeth!'

      Tags:
      • Bicycle
      00
      Permalink
    • Jack and Jill were riding a tandem up a hill, but making heavy weather of it.

      At the top, Jack said: 'I didn't think we'd make it!'

      Jill replied, 'Nor did I - what a good thing I kept the brakes on, or we'd have slid all the way back down!'

      Tags:
      • Bicycle
      00
      Permalink
    • A little boy out riding his bicycle knocked down an old lady.

      She was a bit shaken, but got up, dusted herself off, then turned to the little boy and said, 'Don't you know how to ride a bike?'

      'Yes,' he answered, 'but I don't know how to ring the bell yet'

      Tags:
      • Bicycle
      00
      Permalink
    • Doctor, doctor, I'm having difficulty sleeping.

      Doctor: Well maybe it's your bed.

      Oh, I'm all right at night, it's in the day I have problems.

      Tags:
      • Sleep
      00
      Permalink
    • Monster: I'm so ugly.

      Ghost: It's not that bad!

      Monster: It is!

      When my grandfather was born they passed out cigars.

      When my father was born they just passed out cigarettes.

      When I was born they simply passed out.

      Tags:
      • Beauty
      00
      Permalink
    • Your ugly.

      And you're drunk.

      Yes, but in the morning I'll be sober!

      Tags:
      • Beauty
      00
      Permalink
    • Two teenage boys were talking in the classroom.

      One said, 'I took my girlfriend to see 'The bride of Dracula' last night.'

      'Oh yeah,' said the other, ' what was she like?'

      'Well she was about six foot six, white as a ghost and she had big red staring eyes and fangs.'

      The other said, 'Yes, but what was 'The Bride of Dracula' like?'

      Tags:
      • Beauty
      • Girlfriend
      00
      Permalink
    • Julie had broken off her engagement.

      Her friend asked her what had happened.

      'I thought it was love at first sight,' said Julie.

      'It was, but it was the second and third sights that changed my mind.

      Tags:
      • Beauty
      00
      Permalink
    • Bill: My sister has lovely long red hair all down her back.

      Will: Pity it's not on her head.

      Tags:
      • Beauty
      00
      Permalink
    • Girlfriend: Will you love me when I'm old and fat and ugly?

      Boyfriend: Of course I do!

      Tags:
      • Fat
      • Beauty
      • Boyfriend
      • Girlfriend
      00
      Permalink
    • A woman went to a sweet store to buy some sweets.

      The boy behind the counter said "Gosh, your ugly aren't you?, I've never seen anyone so hideous as you before" "Young man" she replied. "

      I didn't come here to be insulted" "Really", he said, "Where do you usually go?"

      Tags:
      • Beauty
      00
      Permalink
    • Fred keeps telling me that he's going to marry the most beautiful girl in the world.

      Oh, what a shame!

      And you've been engaged for such a long time!

      Tags:
      • Beauty
      00
      Permalink
    • A witch went into a beauty parlor and asked the assistant how much it would cost to make her look like a film star.

      "Nothing," replied the assistant.

      "Nothing?"

      she asked, "but how can I look like a film star?"

      "Haven't you seen a film called The Creature from the Black Lagoon?"

      replied the assistant.

      Tags:
      • Beauty
      00
      Permalink
    • Mrs Saggy: Mrs Wrinkly tried to have a facelift last week.

      Mrs Baggy: Tried to?

      Mrs Saggy: Yes, they couldn't find a crane strong enough to lift her face!

      Tags:
      • Beauty
      00
      Permalink
    • First Witch: I went to the beauty parlor yesterday.

      I was there for three hours.

      Second Witch: Oh, what did you have done?

      First witch: Nothing, I was just going in for an estimate.

      Tags:
      • Beauty
      00
      Permalink
    • Stan: I won 92 goldfish.

      Fred: Where are you going to keep them?

      Stan: In the bathroom Fred: But what will you do when you want to take a bath?

      Stan: Blindfold them!

      Tags:
      • Bathroom
      00
      Permalink
    • Mum, does God use the bathroom?

      No, what a funny question!

      Then why did Dad say this morning, 'Oh, God, are you still in there?'

      Tags:
      • Bathroom
      00
      Permalink
    • Mom: Joe, time for your medicine.

      Joe: I'll run the bath then.

      Mom: Why?

      Joe: Because on the bottle it says "to be taken in water."

      Tags:
      • Medicine
      00
      Permalink
    • A guy goes up to this girl in a bar and says, "Would you like to dance?"

      The girl says, "I don't like this song, but even if I did, I wouldn't dance with you."

      The guy says, "I'm sorry, you must have misunderstood me, I said you look fat in those pants."

      Tags:
      • Fat
      00
      Permalink
    • "Did you hear the news?"

      asked Keenan of his pal at the saloon.

      "Harrigan drank so much, his wife left him!"

      "Bartender!

      Give me six boilermakers!"

      Tags:
      • Bar
      00
      Permalink
    • Monahan stumbled into a saloon, half crocked.

      "Say," he said to the bartender, "how tall is a penguin?"

      "About two and a half feet."

      "Thank God!"

      cried Monahan.

      "I thought I ran over a nun!"

      Tags:
      • Bar
      00
      Permalink
    • Barty and Dunny met in a pub and discussed the illness of a friend named Hogan.

      "Poor Michael Hogan!

      Faith, I'm afraid he's goin' to die."

      "Sure, an' why would he be dyin'?"

      asked the other.

      "Ah, he's gotten so thin.

      You're thin enough, and I'm thin - but by my soul, Michael Hogan is thinner than both of us put together."

      Tags:
      • Bar
      00
      Permalink
    • Two cartons of yogurt walk into a bar.

      The bartender, who was a tub of cottage cheese, says to them, "We don't serve your kind in here."

      One of the yogurt cartons says back to him, "Why not?

      We're cultured individuals."

      Tags:
      • Bar
      00
      Permalink
    • A regular at Bob's Bar came in one evening sporting a matched pair of swollen black eyes that appeared extremely painful.

      "Whoa, Sam!"

      said the bartender.

      "Who gave those beauties to you?"

      "Nobody gave them to me," said Sam.

      "I had to fight like crazy for both of them."

      Tags:
      • Bar
      00
      Permalink
    • A brain walks into a bar and says, "I'll have a pint of beer please."

      The barman looks at him and says "Sorry, I can't serve you."

      "Why not?"

      asks the brain.

      "You're already out of your head."

      Tags:
      • Bar
      00
      Permalink
    • A golf club walks into a local bar and asks the barman for a pint of beer.

      The barman refuses to serve him.

      "Why not," asks the golf club.

      "You'll be driving later," replies the bartender.

      Tags:
      • Bar
      • Golf
      11
      Permalink
    • A man walks into a pub and sits down next to a man with a dog at his feet.

      "Does your dog bite?"

      "No."

      A few minutes later the dog takes a huge chunk out of his leg.

      "I thought you said your dog didn't bite!"

      the man says indignantly.

      "That's not my dog."

      Tags:
      • Bar
      • Dog
      00
      Permalink
    • A neutron walks into a bar.

      "I'd like a beer" he says.

      The bartender promptly serves up a beer.

      "How much will that be?"

      asks the neutron.

      "For you?"

      replies the bartender, "no charge"

      Tags:
      • Bar
      00
      Permalink
    • A number twelve walks into a bar and asks the barman for a pint of beer.

      "Sorry I can't serve you," states the barman.

      "Why not?!"

      asks the number twelve with anger showing in its voice.

      "You're under 18," replies the barman.

      Tags:
      • Bar
      00
      Permalink
    • Last New Year's Eve, one woman stood up at the local tavern and said that it was time to get ready.

      At the stroke of midnight, she wanted every husband to be standing next to the one person who made his life worth living.

      It was embarrassing - The bartender was almost crushed to death.

      Tags:
      • Bar
      00
      Permalink
    • McPherson walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar.

      When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, the Irishman started to leave.

      "S'cuse me," said another bar patron, who was puzzled over what McPherson had done.

      "What was that all about?"

      "Nothing," said the Irishman, "my wife sent me out for a jar of olives."

      Tags:
      • Bar
      • Irish
      00
      Permalink
    • A man comes in to the room and says to his wife, "I'm going to the pub.

      Get your coat on."

      The wife, overjoyed that he has included her in his activity replies, "Does that mean that you are taking me with you, darling?"

      The husband replies, "No - I'm turning the heating off."

      Tags:
      • Marriage
      00
      Permalink
    • How does a baby ghost cry?

      "Boo-hoo!

      Boo-hoo!"

      Tags:
      • Baby
      00
      Permalink
    • I got a letter from my sister.

      She just had a baby.

      But she didn't say whether it's a boy or girl.

      So I don't know if I'm an uncle or an aunt.

      Tags:
      • Baby
      00
      Permalink
    • What's pink and red and can't turn round in a corridor?

      A baby with a javelin through its head.

      Tags:
      • Baby
      00
      Permalink
    • What's brown and in a baby's diaper?

      Michael Jackson's hand!

      Tags:
      • Baby
      00
      Permalink
    • Where does a white baby go when it dies?

      Heaven What does it get?

      Wings What does it become?

      An angel Where does a black baby go when it dies?

      Heaven What does it get?

      Wings What does it become?

      A Bat!

      Tags:
      • Baby
      00
      Permalink
    • Mother: Why is there a strange baby in the crib?

      Daughter: You told me to change the baby.

      Tags:
      • Baby
      • Daughter
      00
      Permalink
    • Today I saw a baby who had put on five stone in weight in two weeks by drinking elephant's milk.

      Whose baby was it?

      The elephant's!

      Tags:
      • Baby
      • Drinking
      00
      Permalink
    • A distraught mum rushed into the back yard, where eight-year-old Tommy was banging on the bottom of an old upturned tin bath with a poker.

      "What do you think you're doing?"

      she demanded.

      "I'm just entertaining the baby," explained Tommy.

      "Where is the baby?"

      asked his Mum.

      "Under the bath."

      Tags:
      • Baby
      00
      Permalink
    • "I see the baby's nose is running again," said a worried father.

      "For goodness sake!"

      snapped his wife.

      "Can't you think of anything other than horse racing?"

      Tags:
      • Baby
      00
      Permalink
    • Mrs Brown: "Who was that at the door?"

      Veronica: "A lady with a baby in a buggy."

      Mrs Brown: "Tell her to push off. "

      Tags:
      • Baby
      00
      Permalink
    • Mum, are the Smiths very poor people?

      I don't think so, Jimmy.

      Why do you ask?

      Because they made such a fuss when their baby swallowed a coin

      Tags:
      • Baby
      00
      Permalink
    • It can't go on!

      It can't go on!

      What can't go on?

      This baby's vest?

      it's too small for me.

      Tags:
      • Baby
      00
      Permalink
    • Fred: My mum's having a new baby.

      Drew: What's wrong with the old one?

      Tags:
      • Baby
      00
      Permalink
    • My new baby is the image of his father.

      Never mind.

      just so long as he's healthy.

      Tags:
      • Baby
      00
      Permalink
    • "Stewardess" "Yes, Sir?"

      "I want to complain about this airline.

      Every time I fly, I get the same seat, I can't see the in-flight movie and there are no windows blinds so I can't sleep."

      "Captain, shut up and land the plane."

      Tags:
      • Airplane
      00
      Permalink
    • McNally was taking his first plane ride, flying over the Rocky Mountains.

      The stewardess handed him a piece of chewing gum.

      "It's to keep your ears from popping at high altitudes," she explains.

      When the plane landed McNally rushed up to her.

      "Miss," he said, "I'm meetin' me wife right away.

      How do I get the gum out of me ears?"

      Tags:
      • Airplane
      00
      Permalink
    • An airliner was having engine trouble, and the pilot instructed the cabin crew to have the passengers take their seats and get prepared for an emergency landing.

      A few minutes later, the pilot asked the flight attendants if everyone was buckled in and ready.

      "All set back here, Captain," came the reply, "except the lawyers are still going around passing out business cards."

      Tags:
      • Lawyer
      00
      Permalink
    • A man telephoned an airline office in New York and asked, "How long does it take to fly to Boston?"

      The clerk said, "Just a minute..." "Thank you," the man said and hung up.

      Tags:
      • New York
      • Lightbulb
      00
      Permalink
    • After a minor mathematical error on a routine report, a worker's boss tried to belittle him in front of his peers.

      Angrily she asked, "If you had 4 apples and I asked for one, how many would you have left?"

      Quickly he replied, "If it was you who asked, I'd still have 4 apples."

      Tags:
      • Apple
      00
      Permalink
    • A Pittsburgh steel worker was driving through northern California's apple country.

      He stopped at an orchard and asked the owner, "How much are yer apples?"

      "All you can pick for one dollar," said the rancher.

      "Okay," said the Pennsylvanian.

      "I'll take two dollars' worth."

      Tags:
      • Apple
      00
      Permalink
    • Two girls were having their packed lunch in the school yard.

      One had an apple and the other said, 'Watch out for worms won't you!'

      The first one replied, 'why should I?

      They can watch out for themselves.

      Tags:
      • Apple
      00
      Permalink
    • Dad, do you like baked apples?

      Yes son, why?

      The orchard's on fire.

      Tags:
      • Apple
      00
      Permalink
    • School lunches are not generally popular with those that have to eat them, and sometimes with good reason.

      "What kind of pie do you call this?"

      asked one schoolboy indignantly.

      "What's it taste of?"

      asked the cook.

      "Glue!"

      "Then it's apple pie, the plum pie tastes of soap."

      Tags:
      • Apple
      00
      Permalink
    • Fred came rushing in to his Dad.

      "Dad!"

      he puffed, "is it true that an apple a day keeps the doctor away?"

      "That's what they say," said his Dad.

      "Well, give me an apple quick?

      I've just broken the doctor's window!"

      Tags:
      • Apple
      • Doctor
      00
      Permalink
    • Two boys were eating a snack lunch in the school yard.

      One had an apple and the other said, "Watch out for worms won't you!"

      The first one replied, "Why should I?

      They can watch out for themselves."

      Tags:
      • Apple
      00
      Permalink
    • A tourist, visiting a small town in Israel, came upon a statue dedicated to "The Unknown Soldier".

      At the base of the statue, a sign was displayed: "Here lies Seymour Ruthenberg".

      The tourist inquired of one of the locals how was it possible an unknown had a name.

      The resident replied, "As a soldier, that Seymour was pretty much unknown, but as an accountant-Oy!

      He was something."

      Tags:
      • Accountant
      00
      Permalink
    • The doctor comes to see his heart transplant patient.

      "This is good news.

      It is very unusual, but we have two donors to choose from for your new heart."

      The patient is pleased.

      He asks, "What were their jobs?"

      "One was a teacher and the other was an accountant."

      "I'll take the accountant's heart," says the patient.

      "I want one that hasn't been used."

      Tags:
      • Doctor
      • Accountant
      00
      Permalink
    • Wife to husband as they watch their young son playing: "He's such a sensitive child.

      Let's wait until he's older before we tell him you're an accountant."

      Tags:
      • Accountant
      00
      Permalink
    • The accountant had just read the story of Cinderella to his four-year-old daughter for the first time.

      The little girl was fascinated by the story, especially the part where the pumpkin turns into a golden coach.

      Suddenly she piped up, "Daddy, when the pumpkin turned into a golden coach, would that be classed as income or a long-term capital gain?"

      Tags:
      • Daughter
      • Accountant
      00
      Permalink
    • A Martian lands to plunder, pillage and burn.

      He goes up to the owner of the first house he sees and says, "I'm a Martian just arrived from the other side of the galaxy.

      We're here to destroy your civilisation, pillage and burn.

      What do you think about that?"

      The owner replies, "I don't have an opinion.

      I'm a chartered accountant."

      Tags:
      • Accountant
      00
      Permalink
    • A businessman hires a private detective to find a missing accountant.

      The detective tells him that he needs a description and asks a few questions.

      "Was he tall or was he short?"

      The businessman replies, "Both!"

      Tags:
      • Accountant
      00
      Permalink
    • A businessman tells his friend that his company is looking for a new accountant.

      His friend asks, "Didn't your company hire a new accountant a few weeks ago?"

      The businessman replies, "That's the accountant we're looking for."

      Tags:
      • Accountant
      00
      Permalink
    • Who was the first accountant?

      Adam.

      He got interested in figures, turned the first leaf, made the first entry, lost interest after withdrawal, buggered up the monthly accounts and raised the first liability.

      Tags:
      • Accountant
      00
      Permalink
    • Laws of Accounting 1.

      Trial balances don't 2.

      Bank reconciliations never do 3.

      Working Capital does not 4.

      Return on Investments never will

      Tags:
      • Accountant
      00
      Permalink
    • What is a Budget?

      An orderly system for living beyond your means.

      Tags:
      • Accountant
      00
      Permalink
    • A business owner tells her friend that she is desperately searching for an accountant.

      Her friend asks, "Didn't your company hire an accountant a short while ago?"

      The business owner replies, "That's the accountant I've been searching for."

      Tags:
      • Accountant
      00
      Permalink
    • Which way did the programmer go?

      He went DATA way!

      Tags:
      • Computer
      00
      Permalink
    • How does Bill Gates enter his house?

      He uses "windows".

      Tags:
      • Computer
      • St. Peter
      00
      Permalink
    • Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I'm a laptop computer.

      You're just run down, let me give you some vitamins.

      No, thanks.

      But I could do with some new batteries.

      Tags:
      • Computer
      00
      Permalink
    • Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I'm a computer.

      My goodness, you'd better come to my surgery right away!

      I can't, my power cable won't reach that far.

      Tags:
      • Computer
      00
      Permalink
    • Would you like to buy a second-hand computer?

      I'm afraid not.

      I'm only able to type with one hand as it is.

      Tags:
      • Computer
      00
      Permalink
    • You're spending a lot of time at that computer screen.

      Have you had your eyes checked?

      No, they've always been blue!

      Tags:
      • Computer
      00
      Permalink
    • Which kind of ink do you put in your computer's printer?

      Black, Red or Iced?

      Iced Ink?

      Well, yes you do, but I didn't want to mention it.

      Tags:
      • Computer
      00
      Permalink
    • This computer you charged me L950 for doesn't work....and you said it would be trouble free.

      It is, I charged you L950 for the computer, but you're getting all that trouble absolutely free!

      Tags:
      • Computer
      00
      Permalink
    • Teacher: Look at the state of the school computer.

      I want that screen cleaned so I can see my face in it!

      Pupil: But then it will crack and we won't be able to use it at all.

      Tags:
      • Computer
      00
      Permalink
    • Pupil: In other schools, pupils get a choice of computers to use.

      Teacher: You get a choice her, too.

      Use the one we've got or don't use any at all.

      Tags:
      • Computer
      00
      Permalink
    • Mum, Mum, Dad's broken my computer!

      How did he do that?

      I dropped it on his head.

      Tags:
      • Father
      • Computer
      00
      Permalink
    • Helpline?

      I've just pushed a piece of bacon into my disk drive!

      Has the computer stopped working?

      No, but there's a lot of crackling.

      Tags:
      • Computer
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    • Customer: I think I've got a bug in my computer.

      Repairman: Does your computer make a humming noise?

      Customer: Yes.

      Repairman: Then it must be a humbug!

      Tags:
      • Computer
      00
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    • Computer helpline?

      Every time I log onto the seven dwarfs website my computer screen goes snow white....

      Tags:
      • Computer
      00
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    • A software verifier read in the Bible that God protects all fools, and decided to test it empirically.

      He jumped out of the window and broke a leg.

      There he lies, writhing in pain, and happily thinks: "I never really considered myself a fool, but I never knew I was THAT clever!"

      Tags:
      • Computer
      00
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    • The problem with physicists is that they tend to cheat in order to get results.

      The problem with mathematicians is that they tend to work on toy problems in order to get results.

      The problem with program verifiers is that they tend to cheat at toy problems in order to get results.

      Tags:
      • Computer
      00
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    • The boy is smoking and leaving smoke rings into the air.

      The girl gets irritated with the smoke and says to her lover: "Can't you see the warning written on the cigarettes packet, smoking is injurious to health!"

      The boy replies back: "Darling, I am a programmer.

      We don't worry about warnings, we only worry about errors."

      Tags:
      • Computer
      00
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    • Why didn't Intel call the Pentium the 586?

      Because they added 486 and 100 on the first Pentium and got 585.999983605.

      Tags:
      • Computer
      00
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    • What algorithm did Intel use in the Pentium's floating point divider?

      "Life is like a box of chocolates..."

      Tags:
      • Computer
      00
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    • What do you call a series of FDIV instructions on a Pentium?

      Successive approximations.

      Tags:
      • Computer
      00
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    • What do you get when you cross a Pentium PC with a research grant?

      A mad scientist.

      Tags:
      • Computer
      00
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    • Customer: "It says I've performed an illegal operation and will be shut down.

      Have I done something wrong?"

      Tags:
      • Computer
      00
      Permalink
    • Customer: "Why didn't you tell me I have call waiting?"

      Tech Support: "Sir, we have no way of knowing if you have call waiting."

      Customer: "Well, you should ask everybody!"

      Tech Support: "Do you have call waiting?"

      Customer: "What's that?"

      Tags:
      • Computer
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    • Customer: "My disk is stuck in my disk drive.

      Clicking eject doesn't work."

      Tech Support: "Ok, turn the power to your Mac off, hold down the mouse clicker, and power the Mac back up."

      Customer: "Look, I don't have three hands!"

      Tags:
      • Computer
      00
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    • Me: "What is that noise?"

      Customer: "Hey Martinez!

      I'm on the phone!

      Cut it out!"

      Me: "What was that?"

      Beep!

      Beep!

      Beep!

      Beep!

      Beep!

      Beep!

      Customer: "It's from a device."

      Me: "What kind of device?"

      Customer: "I don't know."

      Me: "Like a fax machine or something?"

      Customer: "I don't know.

      Someone is under house arrest or something."

      Tags:
      • Computer
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    • Student: "Would it be possible to install Arabic language support on those computers?"

      Computer Teacher: "In order to use Arabic language in Windows, you must install an Arabic graphic card.

      So I don't think we could do that."

      Tags:
      • Computer
      • Language
      00
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    • Many people in computer labs will assure you, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that they were doing everything correctly, and it still wasn't working, only to make you get up from your nice comfy seat to walk over to the other side of the room and do it yourself.

      Invariably, after it works the first time for you, the response is, "THAT'S WHAT I TYPED THE FIRST TIME!"

      Obviously not.

      Tags:
      • Computer
      00
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    • Another customer called Tech Support to say her brand-new computer wouldn't work.

      She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it in, and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen.

      When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked "What power switch?"

      Tags:
      • Computer
      00
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    • An exasperated caller to Tech Support couldn't get her new computer to turn on.

      After ensuring the computer was plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button.

      Her response "I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happens."

      The "foot pedal" turned out to be the computer's mouse.

      Tags:
      • Computer
      00
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    • A customer needed help setting up a new program, so the technician suggested he go to the local Egghead.

      "Yeah, I got me a couple of friends," the man said.

      When told Egghead was a software store, the man said, "Oh, I thought you meant for me to find a couple of geeks."

      Tags:
      • Computer
      00
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    • A technician received a call from a man complaining that the system wouldn't read word processing files from his old diskettes.

      After trouble-shooting for magnets and heat failed to diagnose the problem, it was found that the customer labeled the diskettes then rolled them into his typewriter to type the labels.

      Tags:
      • Computer
      00
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    • A person turned on the computer without a keyboard plugged in.

      When she turns on the computer, the computer finds out that there is no keyboard attached and it gives a 'Keyboard Error' message.

      She then asks "Why did it give me a keyboard error?"

      There isn't even a keyboard attached?

      Tags:
      • Computer
      00
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    • An office technician got a call from a user.

      The user told the tech that her computer was not working.

      She described the problem and the tech concluded that the computer needed to be brought in and serviced.

      He told her to "Unplug the power cord and bring it up here and I will fix it."

      About fifteen minutes later she shows up at his door with the power cord in her hand.

      Tags:
      • Computer
      00
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    • What happens if you cross a midget and a computer?

      You get a short circuit.

      Tags:
      • Computer
      00
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    • What is the difference between Windows 95 and Windows 98?

      3 years

      Tags:
      • Computer
      00
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    • Customer: "I'm running Windows '95."

      Tech: "Yes."

      Customer: "My computer isn't working now."

      Tech: "Yes, you said that."

      Tags:
      • Computer
      00
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    • What's the best way to accelerate a Mac?

      9.81 m/s2

      Tags:
      • Computer
      00
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    • As most technophiles are aware, there are special programs to run scanners.

      These programs use a TWAIN driver to perform the scanning.

      TWAIN, the acronym, stands for "Technology Without An Interesting Name."

      Tags:
      • Computer
      00
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    • What creature has the best aptitude for engineering?

      The spider - It has its own website.

      Tags:
      • Computer
      00
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    • A man went to work for a zoo veterinarian.

      "Look in the lion's mouth," the vet told him.

      "How do I do that?"

      he asked.

      "Carefully," replied the vet.

      Tags:
      • Zoo
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    • One day the zookeeper noticed that the orang-utang was reading two books - the Bible and Darwin's Origin of Species.

      In surprise he asked the ape, "Why are you reading both those books"?

      "Well," said the orang-utang, "I just wanted to know if I was my brother's keeper or my keeper's brother."

      Tags:
      • Zoo
      00
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    • How many Arians does it take to change a lightbulb?

      Only one Arian, but an awful lot of light bulbs.

      (*smash*)

      Tags:
      • Lightbulb
      00
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    • How many Arians does it take to change a lightbulb?

      None: Arians aren't afraid of the dark.

      Tags:
      • Lightbulb
      00
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    • 'You never get anything right,' complained the teacher.

      'What kind of job do you think you'll get when you leave school?'

      'Well, I want to be the weather girl on TV.'

      Tags:
      • Weather
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    • You're hiking around on Hampsted Heath (a park near London) at the end of a long sunny day.

      You run across (separately) the ghosts of Sir Winston Churchill, Sir Baden Powell, and Sir Edmund Hillary, who all give you directions to the nearest tube stop.

      Whom don't you believe?

      Your story teller, for there is no such thing as a completely sunny day in England.

      Tags:
      • Weather
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    • Two attorneys went into a diner and ordered two drinks.

      Then they produced sandwiches from their briefcases and started to eat.

      The waiter became quite concerned and marched over and told them, "You can't eat your own sandwiches in here!"

      The attorneys looked at each other, shrugged their shoulders and then exchanged sandwiches.

      Tags:
      • Waiter
      00
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    • Waiter, waiter, do you have frog's legs?

      Certainly, Sir!

      Well hop over here and get me a sandwich!

      Tags:
      • Waiter
      00
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    • Waiter: "Tea or coffee, gentlemen?"

      1st customer: "I'll have tea."

      2nd customer: "Me, too - and be sure the glass is clean!"

      (Waiter exits, returns) Waiter: "Two teas.

      Which one asked for the clean glass?"

      Tags:
      • Waiter
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    • A waiter brings the customer the steak he ordered with his thumb over the meat.

      "Are you crazy?"

      yelled the customer, "with your hand on my steak?"

      "What" answers the waiter, "You want it to fall on the floor again?"

      Tags:
      • Waiter
      00
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    • Diner: Watch out!

      Your thumbs in my soup!

      Waiter: Don't worry, Sir, it's not that hot!

      Tags:
      • Waiter
      00
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    • A blonde asked someone what time it was, and they told her it was 4:45.

      The blonde, with a puzzled look on her face replied, "You know, it's the weirdest thing, I have been asking that question all day, and each time I get a different answer."

      Tags:
      • Blonde
      00
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    • Fan: I've always admired you.

      Are your teeth your own?

      Actor: Whose do you think they are?

      Tags:
      • Teeth
      00
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    • The young lad had applied for a job, and was asked his full name.

      "Aloysius Montmorency Geoghan," he replied.

      "How do you spell that?"

      asked the manager.

      "Er?

      sir?

      er?

      can't you just put it down without spelling it?"

      Tags:
      • Spelling
      00
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    • First witch: Here's a banana if you can spell it.

      Second witch: I can spell banana.

      I just don't know when to stop.

      Tags:
      • Spelling
      00
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    • School Doctor: Have you ever had trouble with appendicitis?

      Fred: Only when I tried to spell it.

      Tags:
      • Spelling
      00
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    • "Please, ma'am!

      How do you spell ichael?"

      The teacher was rather bewildered.

      "Don't you mean Michael?"

      she asked.

      "No, ma'am.

      I've written the 'M' already."

      Tags:
      • Spelling
      • Old People
      00
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    • A woman at a gas station noticed a spaceship landing in front of her.

      An alien stepped out of the spaceship and started to pump gas into it.

      The woman noticed the letters "U.F.O."

      printed on the side of the ship.

      She turned to the alien and asked "Does U.F.O.

      stand for Unidentified Flying Object?"

      The alien answered, "No, it stands for Unleaded Fuel Only!"

      Tags:
      • Space
      00
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    • Teacher: If 1+1=2 and 2+2=4, what is 4+4?

      Pupil: That's not fair!

      You answer the easy ones and leave us with the hard one!

      Tags:
      • School
      00
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    • Teacher: Where is your homework?

      Pupil: I lost it fighting this kid who said you weren't the best teacher in the school

      Tags:
      • School
      00
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    • Teacher: Why does the statue of liberty stand in New York harbour?

      Pupil: Because it can't sit down!

      Tags:
      • School
      • New York
      00
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    • Teacher: Who can tell me where Hadrians Wall is?

      Pupil: I expect it's around Hadrian's garden miss!

      Tags:
      • School
      00
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    • "What flavors of ice cream do you have?"

      inquired the customer.

      "Vanilla, strawberry, and chocolate," answered the new waitress in a hoarse whisper.

      Trying to be sympathetic, the customer asked, "Do you have laryngitis?"

      "No...." replied the new waitress with some effort, "just...erm.... vanilla, strawberry, and chocolate."

      Tags:
      • Waitress
      00
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    • Three couples are dining together.

      The American husband says to his wife: "Pass me the honey, Honey".

      The English husband says to his wife: "Pass me the sugar, Sugar".

      The [you name it] husband says to his wife: "Pass me the steak, Dumb cow".

      Tags:
      • America
      • Marriage
      00
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    • A policeman pulls a man over for speeding and asks him to get out of the car.

      After looking the man over he says, "Sir, I couldn't help but notice your eyes are bloodshot.

      Have you been drinking?"

      The man gets really indignant and says, "Officer, I couldn't help but notice your eyes are glazed.

      Have you been eating doughnuts?"

      Tags:
      • Police
      • Drinking
      • Speeding
      00
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    • The Boston taxi driver backed into the stationary fruit stall and within seconds he had a cop beside him.

      "Name?"

      "Brendan O'Connor."

      "Same as mine.

      Where are you from?"

      "County Cork."

      "Same as me......" The policeman paused with his pen in the air.

      "Hold on a moment and I'll come back and talk about the old county.

      I want to say something to this fella that ran into the back of your cab."

      Tags:
      • Taxi
      • Police
      00
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    • The man passed out in a dead faint as he came out of his front door onto the porch.

      Someone dialed 911.

      When the paramedics arrived, they helped him regain consciousness and asked if he knew what caused him to faint.

      "It was enough to make anybody faint," he said.

      "My son asked me for the keys to the garage, and instead of driving the car out, he came out with the lawn mower."

      Tags:
      • Marriage
      00
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    • Murphy said to his daughter, "I want you home by eleven o'clock."

      She said, "But Father, I'm no longer a child!"

      He said, "I know, that's why I want you home by eleven."

      Tags:
      • Daughter
      00
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    • What is the difference between a saxophone and a chainsaw?

      It's all in the grip.

      Tags:
      • Music
      00
      Permalink
    • Can I borrow that book of yours How To Become A Millionaire?

      Sure.

      Here you are.

      Thanks - but half the pages are missing.

      What's the matter?

      Isn't half a million enough for you?

      Tags:
      • Money
      00
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    • A man being mugged by two thugs put up a tremendous fight!

      Finally, the thugs subdued him and took his wallet.

      Upon finding only two dollars in the wallet, the surprised thug said "Why did you put up such a fight?"

      To which the man promptly replied "I was afraid that you would find the $200 hidden in my shoe!"

      Tags:
      • Money
      00
      Permalink
    • General Heath, a famous lover of parade music and marching drill ceremonies, once listened to a symphonic orchestra playing.

      When asked about his impressions, he commented: "No military precision in drill..." "Why?"

      "Did you see those violin players?

      They were moving their bows not in cadence."

      Tags:
      • Military
      00
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    • A psychologist is at a party talking with a small group of people, when a man comes up behind him and taps him on the shoulder.

      The psychologist turns around and the man hauls off and decks him.

      The psychologist gets up, brushes himself off, turns to the group and declares: "That's his problem."

      Tags:
      • Mental health
      00
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    • Psychiatrist to Internal Revenue agent on couch: "Nonsense!

      No way does everyone in the world hate you - everyone in the US perhaps, but certainly not everyone in the world."

      Tags:
      • Mental health
      00
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    • A hunter visited another hunter and was given a tour of his home.

      In the den was a stuffed lion.

      The visiting hunter asked, "when did you bag him?"

      The host said, "that was three years ago, when I went hunting with my wife."

      "What's he stuffed with," asked the visiting hunter.

      "My wife."

      Tags:
      • Hunting
      00
      Permalink
    • What do you get when you put an experimental monkey in a blender?

      Rhesus Pieces.

      Tags:
      • Gorilla
      00
      Permalink
    • Why are gorillas so noisy?

      They were raised in a zoo!

      Tags:
      • Zoo
      • Gorilla
      00
      Permalink
    • What's black and dangerous and lives in a tree?

      A gorilla with a machine gun.

      Tags:
      • Gorilla
      00
      Permalink
    • I'd like a new frog, please.

      But you bought one only yesterday.

      What happened?

      It Kermit-ted suicide.

      Tags:
      • Frog
      00
      Permalink
    • What do you call a frog with no hind legs?

      Unhoppy!

      Tags:
      • Frog
      00
      Permalink
    • What did the salt say to the pepper?

      Hey Baby, what's SHAKING!

      Tags:
      • Food
      00
      Permalink
    • If you're fishing on ice, you should never tell a joke on ice.

      WHY???

      The ice will crack up!

      Tags:
      • Fishing
      00
      Permalink
    • 'We're going to play elephants and circuses,' said a little boy at kindergarten, 'Do you want to join in?'

      'I'd love to,'replied the teacher.

      'What do you want me to do?'

      'You can be the lady that feeds us peanuts!'

      Tags:
      • Elephant
      00
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    • Staring down from the bench to announce the terms of the divorce decree, the judge turned to the husband and said: "I'm going to award her alimony in the amount of $250 a month."

      To which the woman's about-to-be ex replied: "That's mighty kind of you, judge.

      I'll try to help her all I can, too."

      Tags:
      • Divorce
      00
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    • Two men are talking.

      The first says, "I got married because I was tired of eating out, cleaning the house, doing the laundry and wearing shabby clothes."

      "Amazing," said the second, "I just got divorced for the very same reasons."

      Tags:
      • Divorce
      00
      Permalink
    • What did the dinosaur say when he saw the volcano explode?

      What a lavaly day!

      Tags:
      • Dinosaur
      00
      Permalink
    • What do you get when dinosaurs crash their cars?

      Tyrannosaurus wrecks!

      Tags:
      • Dinosaur
      00
      Permalink
    • Why doesn't the dinosaur cross the road anymore?

      Because their eggs stink.

      (They're extinct)

      Tags:
      • Dinosaur
      00
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    • "I came in to make an appointment with the dentist."

      said the man to the receptionist.

      "I'm sorry sir."

      she replied.

      "He's out right now, but..." "Thank you," interrupted the obviously nervous prospective patient.

      "When will he be out again?"

      Tags:
      • Dentist
      00
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    • Dentist: I have to pull the aching tooth, but don't worry it will take just five minutes.

      Patient: And how much will it cost?

      Dentist: It's $90.00.

      Patient: $90.00 for just a few minutes work???

      Dentist: I can extract it very slowly if you like.

      Tags:
      • God
      • Dentist
      00
      Permalink
    • A patient came to his dentist with problems with his teeth.

      Patient: Doctor, I have yellow teeth, what do I do?

      Dentist: Wear a brown tie!

      Tags:
      • Dentist
      00
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    • A dentist, after completing work on a patient, came to him begging.

      Dentist: Could you help me?

      Could you give out a few of your loudest, most painful screams?

      Patient: Why?

      Doctor, it wasn't all that bad this time.

      Dentist: There are so many people in the waiting room right now, and I don't want to miss the four o'clock ball game.

      Tags:
      • Dentist
      00
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    • Sam was on his death bed, and his wife and children were gathered around him.

      Suddenly the aroma of chopped liver filled the room.

      Sam perked up a bit and said to his wife, "That's it, one last time before I die I must have some of your delicious chopped liver."

      Sam's wife looked at him sadly and said, "Sorry Sam, it's for after."

      Tags:
      • Children
      • Marriage
      00
      Permalink
    • Teacher: When do astronauts eat?

      Pupil: At launch time!

      Tags:
      • Cowboy
      00
      Permalink
    • The cowboy was trying to buy a health insurance policy.

      The insurance agent was going down the list of standard questions.

      "Ever have an accident?"

      "Nope, nary a one."

      "None?

      You've never had any accidents."

      "Nope.

      Ain't never had one.

      Never."

      "Well, you said on this form you were bit by a snake once.

      Wouldn't you consider that an accident?"

      "Heck, no.

      That dang varmint bit me on purpose."

      Tags:
      • Cowboy
      00
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    • A man climbed over a fence into a field to pick some flowers.

      He noticed a bull nearby.

      Say, farmer.

      Is that bull safe?

      Well, he's a lot safer than you are right now!

      Tags:
      • Cow
      00
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    • Camper: Look at that bunch of cows.

      Farmer: Not bunch, herd.

      Camper: Heard what?

      Farmer: Of cows.

      Camper: Sure I've heard of cows.

      Farmer: No, I mean a cowherd.

      Camper: So what?

      I have no secrets from cows!

      Tags:
      • Cow
      00
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    • What do you call cattle with a sense of humor?

      Laughing stock.

      Tags:
      • Cow
      00
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    • An applicant was being interviewed for admission to a prominent medical school.

      "Tell me," inquired the interviewer, "where do you expect to be ten years from now?"

      "Well, let's see," replied the student.

      "It's Wednesday afternoon.

      I guess I'll be on the golf course by now."

      Tags:
      • Golf
      00
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    • A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, "I'm Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter."

      Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say,"I'm Janey Sugarbrown."

      The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said,"Aren't you Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter?"

      With her mother standing just a few feet away, the little girl replied, "I thought I was, but Mommy says I'm not."

      Tags:
      • Children
      • Daughter
      00
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    • A group of young children were siting in a circle with their teacher.

      She was going around in turn asking them all questions.

      "Davy, what noise does a cow make?"

      "It goes moo."

      "Alice, what noise does a cat make?"

      "It goes meow."

      "Jamie, what sound does a lamb make?"

      "It goes baaa."

      "Jennifer, what sound does a mouse make?"

      "Errr.., it goes..

      click!"

      Tags:
      • Cat
      • Children
      00
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    • A mother was reading a book about animals to her 3 year old daughter.

      Mother: "What does the cow say?"

      Child: "Moo!"

      Mother: "Great!

      What does the cat say?"

      Child: "Meow."

      Mother: "Oh, you're so smart!

      What does the frog say?"

      And this wide-eyed little 3 year-old looked up at her mother and in her deepest voice replied, "Bud."

      Tags:
      • Cat
      • Frog
      • Children
      • Daughter
      11
      Permalink
    • When is a bad time to cross a black cat?

      When you are a mouse!

      Tags:
      • Cat
      00
      Permalink
    • A woman is walking in the park when she sees a man playing chess with his cat.

      She says to the man "I can't believe what I'm seeing, a cat that plays chess, what a clever animal!"

      The man replied "Nah lady this cats not clever at all I'm beating it 6 games to 1"

      Tags:
      • Cat
      00
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    • Several weeks after a young man had been hired, he was called into the personnel director's office.

      "What is the meaning of this?"

      the director asked.

      "When you applied for this job, you told us you had five years experience.

      Now we discovered this is the first job you've ever held."

      "Well," the young man replied, "in your advertisement you said you wanted somebody with imagination."

      Tags:
      • Business
      00
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    • Bus passenger: I'd like a ticket to New York, please.

      Ticket seller: By Buffalo?

      Bus passenger: Of course not, I'm in the bus queue, aren't I?

      Tags:
      • Bus
      • New York
      00
      Permalink
    • Dan: My little brother is a real pain.

      Nan: Things could be worse.

      Dan: How?

      Nan: He could be twins!

      Tags:
      • Twin
      00
      Permalink
    • A person went into the office kitchen one morning and found a new blonde girl painting the walls.

      She was wearing a new fur coat and a nice denim jacket.

      Thinking this was a little strange, he asked her why she was wearing them rather than old clothes or an overall.

      She showed him the instructions on the tin, "For best results, put on two coats".

      Tags:
      • Blonde
      00
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    • A blonde was walking down the road with a healthy looking pig under her arm.

      As she passed the bus stop, someone asked, "Where did you get that?"

      The pig replied, "I won her in a raffle!"

      Tags:
      • Blonde
      00
      Permalink
    • First boy: Are you having a party for your birthday?

      Second boy: No, I'm having a witch do.

      First boy: What's a witch do?

      Second boy: She flies around on a broomstick casting spells.

      Tags:
      • Birthday
      00
      Permalink
    • What is a crowbar?

      A place were crows go to get a drink!

      Tags:
      • Bird
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    • My dog is a nuisance.

      He chases everyone on a bicycle.

      What can I do?

      Take his bike away.

      Tags:
      • Dog
      • Bicycle
      00
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    • "Lie flat on your backs, class, and circle your feet in the air as if you were riding your bikes," said the gym teacher.

      "Fred!

      What are you doing?

      Move your feet, boy."

      "I'm freewheeling, sir."

      Tags:
      • Bicycle
      00
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    • First girl: I spend hours in front of the mirror admiring my beauty.

      Do you think that's vanity?

      Second girl: No, it's imagination.

      Tags:
      • Beauty
      00
      Permalink
    • Fred: What's that terribly ugly thing on your shoulders?

      Harry: Help!

      What is it?

      Fred: Your head!

      Tags:
      • Beauty
      00
      Permalink
    • I'm not ugly.

      I could marry anyone I pleased!

      But that's the problem - you don't please anyone.

      Tags:
      • Beauty
      00
      Permalink
    • Doctor: And did you drink your medicine after your bath, Mrs Soap?

      Mrs Soap: No, doctor.

      By the time I'd drunk the bath there wasn't room for medicine.

      Tags:
      • Medicine
      00
      Permalink
    • First apple: You look down in the dumps.

      What's eating you?

      Second apple: Worms, I think.

      Tags:
      • Apple
      00
      Permalink
    • The desk sergeant answered the phone, and at once a woman began screaming.

      "You've got to help me!

      There's a giant gray thing in my yard, and it's pulling apples off the tree with its tail!"

      "What's he doing with the apples?"

      the sergeant asked.

      "If I told you," the woman cried, "you wouldn't believe me!"

      Tags:
      • Apple
      00
      Permalink
    • An accountant visited the Natural History museum.

      While standing near the dinosaur he said to his neighbor: "This dinosaur is two billion years and ten months old".

      "Where did you get this exact information?"

      "I was here ten months ago, and the guide told me that the dinosaur is two billion years old."

      Tags:
      • Accountant
      00
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    • A ragged individual stranded for several months on a small desert island in the middle of the Pacific Ocean one day noticed a bottle lying in the sand with a piece of paper in it.

      Rushing to the bottle, he pulled out the cork and with shaking hands withdrew the message.

      "Due to lack of maintenance," he read, "we regretfully have found it necessary to cancel your e-mail account."

      Tags:
      • Computer
      00
      Permalink
    • My friend said to me, "Whenever a World Cup game is on, let's eat something to do with that team for dinner that night."

      Mexico was on, we had burritos.

      Japan was on, we had sushi.

      USA was on, we had burgers.

      Italy was on, we had pizza.

      Tuesday is England, so we're going out.

      Tags:
      • Soccer
      • England
      • World Cup
      00
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    • A new study of dolphins was recently performed.

      The study showed that within a few weeks in captivity, they were able to teach humans to stand at the edge of their pool and throw fish at them.

      Tags:
      • Animal
      • Dolphin
      00
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    • *During an interview*

      Interviewer: 'So how long were you employed in your last job?'

      Candidate: 'I'd say my biggest weakness is my listening skills.'

      Tags:
      • Job interview
      00
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    • A friend of mine was walking out of church service and I noticed he had two black eyes. I asked what happened.

      "Well," he said, "I was sitting behind Mrs. Brown, you know, the large woman with all those grandkids; the one that always dresses real fancy. Well, I noticed her dress had accidentally got tucked into, well, you know... her back side, between her cheeks. So, I pulled it out and she punched me."

      "How did you get the second black eye?"

      "Well, I figured if that made her so upset, I'd better try and put it back."

      Tags:
      • Church
      • Black eye
      00
      Permalink
    • I held the door open for a gorgeous blonde at the bar last night.

      My wife said, "You've never held the door open for me."

      I said, "What about that time you threatened to leave?"

      Tags:
      • Wife
      00
      Permalink
    • A man is driving across the state to see his wife when he sees a Native American hitchhiker on the side of the road. Thinking he could do with some company, he pulls over and lets the man in, offering him a ride home. The Native man is grateful, but our driver notices that he keeps eyeing the large bottle of gin on the floor of the passenger seat.

      Not wanting the guy to get any ideas, he says "I got that bottle for my wife."

      The Native man says nothing for a few moments, then softly replies, "Good trade."

      Tags:
      • Wife
      • Alcohol
      • America
      • Native American
      00
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    • One night, as I was laying in bed, I looked up at the stars and thought to myself:

      "What the hell happened to the roof?"

      Tags:
      • Bedroom
      00
      Permalink
    • A guy walks into a drugstore and sees a guy leaning heavily against the wall.

      He asks the clerk, 'What's with that guy?'

      The clerk says, 'He came in with a bad cough and asked me for cough medicine. We were out of cough medicine, so I gave him a whole bottle of laxative instead.'

      The guy says, 'What?! You can't treat a cough with laxative!'

      The clerk replies, 'Of course you can! Look at him. He's afraid to cough!'

      Tags:
      • Poop
      • Medicine
      • Pharmacy
      00
      Permalink
    • My mother in Law was bitten by a dog yesterday.

      How is she now?

      She's fine - but the dog died.

      Tags:
      • Dog
      • Mother In Law
      00
      Permalink
    • NASA engineers have built a cannon that launches dead chickens at the windshields of airplanes, military jets and such, to test the strength of the windshields against collisions with airborne birds.

      British engineers are eager to test it on the windshields of their new high-speed trains. Arrangements are made, and a cannon is sent to the British engineers.

      When the cannon goes off, the engineers stand shocked as the chicken crashes into the shatterproof shield, smashes it to smithereens, blasts through the control console, snaps the pilot's backrest in two, and embeds itself in the back wall of the cabin.

      The horrified Brits send the Americans a report of the disastrous results, along with an urgent request for suggests on improving the windshield design.

      The American engineers respond with a one-line memo: "Thaw the chicken."

      Tags:
      • NASA
      • Chicken
      • English
      • America
      • Engineer
      • Windshield
      00
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    • A blonde woman, a priest, a pilot, and a high schooler are all on a plane that's about to crash. There are only enough parachutes to save three of them, and the pilot is the first to jump out.

      He grabs a parachute and says, "I'm a pilot! People need me to fly planes!" and then jumps out.

      The blonde is next to jump out. She grabs a parachute and says, "My hair won't look pretty if I'm dead!" and then jumps out.

      The priest then says to the high schooler, "Son, I've lived my life to its fullest and I am surely ready to join God in heaven."

      The high schooler then hands a parachute to the priest and puts another parachute on himself. The priest is shocked and asks the high schooler, "Oh Lord! Where did you find this extra parachute?"

      The high schooler replies, "The blonde lady took my backpack!"

      Tags:
      • Blonde
      • Priest
      • Airplane
      00
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    • "Doctor! I have a serious problem, I can never remember what I just said."

      "When did you first notice this problem?"

      "What problem?"

      Tags:
      • Doctor
      • Memory
      00
      Permalink
    • When I was young, at bedtimes...

      My mum used to tell me fairy stories with a happy ending. Just one of the benefits of having a masseuse as a parent I guess.

      Tags:
      • Children
      • Fairy
      • Massage
      00
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    • David received a parrot for his birthday. The parrot was fully grown, with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was an obscenity. Those that weren't expletives were, to say the least, rude.

      David tried hard to change the bird's attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music, anything he could think of. Nothing worked. He yelled at the bird and the bird yelled back. He shocked the bird and the bird just got more angry and more rude. Finally, in a moment of desperation, David put the bird in the freezer, just for a few moments.

      He heard the bird squawk and kick and scream-then suddenly, there was quiet. David was frightened that he might have hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door.

      The parrot calmly stepped out and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'll endeavor at once to correct my behavior. I really am truly sorry and beg your forgiveness."

      David was astonished at the bird's change in attitude and was about to ask what had made such a dramatic change when the parrot continued, "May I ask what did the chicken do?"

      Tags:
      • Bird
      • Parrot
      • Chicken
      • Language
      00
      Permalink
    • A blonde boards a plane to Miami and takes a seat in first class even though she has an economy ticket.

      A flight attendant tells her several times to move to economy class, but the blonde doesn't listen. Exasperated, the flight attendant goes to the cockpit.

      Seconds later the pilot steps out and whispers something in the blonde's ear. Immediately, she gets up from her seat and goes to economy class.

      Intrigued, the flight attendant asks the pilot how he managed to convince her to relinquish her seat.

      "Easy" says the pilot, "I told her first class doesn't go to Miami"

      Tags:
      • Blonde
      • Airplane
      00
      Permalink
    • A doctor tells his patient, "I have bad news and I have really bad news."

      The patient says "Give me the really bad news first."

      The doc responds, "Unfortunately, you have stage 4 cancer, and you'll be dead within a month."

      The patient shakes his head, trying to take it all in. "Ok..." he says, "what's the bad news?"

      "The bad news," the doctor continues, "is that you have Alzheimer's disease."

      "Seriously?!" the patient exclaims. "Well, I guess it could be worse. I could be dying of cancer."

      Tags:
      • News
      • Cancer
      • Doctor
      • Alzheimers
      00
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    • So one day, Sylvester Stallone, Jean-Claude Van Dam, and Arnold Schwarzenegger were sitting together in a bar, kicking back, drinking a few brews, talking about life and talking about the roles they'd played in movies.

      As the three men talked, each was surprised to realize that all three of them had grown tired of playing the action hero - shooting the bad guys, pulling off life-threatening stunts, and getting the girl in the end. The whole scene was just all played out for them.

      By chance, Stallone had with him a script that his agent had given to him kind of as a joke. The script would allow three actors to act out the role of their favorite musical composer. The three men were delighted, and the agreement was made.

      Soon, a big budget studio was attached to the project, and Stephen Spielberg signed on to direct, everything was falling into place.

      On the day of the first pre-production meeting, the actors realized they needed to pick parts. Since Stallone had proposed the idea, he got to choose first. After thinking for a minute, he declared "I want to be Beethoven." The others agreed to let Stallone have Beethoven.

      Next, it was Van Dam's turn. He thought for a moment, then declared, "I want to play Mozart." And the others agreed to that as well.

      Finally, it was Arnold Schwarzenegger's turn. After thinking about it for several moments, Schwarzenegger finally declared, *cue Terminator voice*: "I'll be Bach."

      Tags:
      • Music
      • Hollywood
      • Terminator
      • Sylvester Stallone
      • Jean Claude Van Dam
      • Arnold Schwarzenegger
      • Johann Sebastian Bach
      00
      Permalink
    • It's been a week since my wife went missing.

      The police told me to expect the worst.

      So I took her things back out of the garbage bin.

      Tags:
      • Wife
      00
      Permalink
    • At a small university there is the director of the Sociology program, the director of the Religious Studies program, the director of the Anthropology program and the university president. All four of them are heading to a conference in the next town over.

      The directors all decide to carpool, and the president is driving his Porsche behind them.

      On the way to the conference the directors lose control of their vehicle and crash into oncoming traffic. It's a horrific accident.

      The university president manages to stop his car, gets out, sees the accident and exclaims... "Oh the Humanities!"

      Tags:
      • College
      • President
      00
      Permalink
    • So God creates Adam, and soon after he notices that Adam is lonely.

      God says "Do not fear, my child. For I will create a partner to accompany you and man from this time forth. She will be known, as a woman."

      God continues "She will be obedient, loyal, passionate and nurturing."

      Adam hesitates. "What is this gonna cost me?" Adam asks.

      God responds "An arm and a leg."

      Adam retorts "What can I get for a rib?"

      Tags:
      • God
      • Bible
      • Women
      • Adam and Eve
      00
      Permalink
    • A cop pulls a guy over for suspected drunk driving.

      The cop opens the door and the driver falls out onto the asphalt.

      The cop says, "Holy shit, you're so drunk, you can't even walk!"

      The drunk says, "No shit, that's why I took my car!"

      Tags:
      • Car
      • Drunk
      • Police
      • Driving
      00
      Permalink
    • Went out with some friends last night and tied one on. Knowing that I was wasted, I did something that I have never done before - I took a bus home.

      I arrived home safe and warm, which seemed really surprising as I have never driven a bus before.

      Tags:
      • Bus
      • Drunk
      00
      Permalink
    • A young woman is at her doctor's appointment when the doctor says, "Ma'am, I've got your results, and it appears that you are pregnant."

      The woman appears shocked. "What!? You've got to be..." She pauses for a moment. "...Kid-in-me."

      After a a few moments of her giggling turn into silence, the doctor replies "Did you seriously get pregnant just to say that joke?"

      The woman says "It was totally birth it."

      Tags:
      • Doctor
      • Pregnancy
      00
      Permalink
    • A group of girls walked by and I jokingly said to my girlfriend, "bet you wish you had a pair of legs like that," but suddenly she started crying.

      I told her if she was going to make such a big deal about it, I wouldn't even wheel her back to the car.

      Tags:
      • Amputation
      • Wheelchair
      • Handicapped
      00
      Permalink
    • Barbara Walters did a story on gender roles in Kabul, Afghanistan several years before the Afghan conflict. She noted that women customarily walked five paces behind their husbands. She recently returned to Kabul and observed that women still walked behind their husbands. Despite the overthrow of the oppressive Taliban regime and women seemed happy to maintain the old custom.

      Ms. Walters approached one of the Afghani women and asked, "Why do you still abide by an old custom, that you once tried so desperately to change?"

      The woman looked Ms. Walters straight in the eyes, and without hesitation said, "Land mines."

      Tags:
      • Land Mine
      • Afghanistan
      • Barbara Walters
      00
      Permalink
    • An American, an Englishman and a Japanese man were all seeking work on a building site.

      The foreman looks at them each and says, "Ok, you Americans are hard workers, you can mix the cement, you British are good craftsmen, you can lay the bricks and you Japanese are good with logistics, you can be in charge of supplies."

      The American and the Englishman set to work, mixing away and laying the bricks until quite an impressive wall has been built, exactly to specification.

      But soon the bricks, sand and cement powder start to run out and the Japanese guy is nowhere to be seen. Finally the materials are all gone and they have to stop building. They go to see where he has gone.

      The foreman hasn't seen him, the workshop hasn't seen him, in fact no one else on the building site has seen him since he started working there. They start to get very worried and search the whole site for him, thinking the worst.

      As they approach a large pile of rubble, suddenly the Japanese guy jumps up in to the air smiling and shouts "Supplies"!!!

      Tags:
      • Japan
      00
      Permalink
    • TIL After Nigeria was unable to win any medals in the Olympics, the Nigerian Sports Minister personally offered to refund all the expenses of fans that traveled to see them.

      He said he just needs their bank details and pin numbers to complete the transaction.

      Tags:
      • Nigeria
      • Olympics
      00
      Permalink
    • I was walking down High Street with my wife, and upon reaching a corner, we saw six men beating someone up.

      I was going to turn and lead my wife away from the crime happening before us, but suddenly she exclaimed "Oh my god it's mom! Quick quick! Go and help!"

      I turned to her and said "Nah. I think six is enough."

      Tags:
      • Mother In Law
      00
      Permalink
    • I knew someone who died in a skydiving accident.

      Their funeral wreath was in the shape of a parachute.

      After all, that's what they would've wanted.

      Tags:
      • Sky Diving
      00
      Permalink
    • There was a bad storm that broke the chicken coop causing a farmer to lose a few chickens.

      After the storm he asked his farmhand how many chickens were left.

      "16 chickens, sir."

      "Alright, round them up, please."

      "20 chickens, sir."

      Tags:
      • Math
      • Chicken
      • Counting
      00
      Permalink
    • "If I were to die first, would you remarry?" the wife asks.

      "Well," says the husband, "I'm in good health, so why not?"

      "Would she live in my house?"

      "It's all paid up, so yes."

      "Would she drive my car?"

      "It's new, so yes."

      "Would she use my golf clubs?"

      "No. She's left-handed."

      Tags:
      • Golf
      • Marriage
      • Girlfriend
      00
      Permalink
    • I was recently out on a first date.

      Her - So what do you do?

      Me - I am currently working on eliminating all cancers.

      Her - Wow, that's impressive!

      Me - Then I'll move onto Capricorns.

      Tags:
      • Dating
      • Genocide
      • Astrology
      00
      Permalink
    • Two mathematics professors are sitting in a restaurant.

      The first one says: "The average person is, mathematically, an idiot. People don't know algebra, can't figure out percents, can't read a simple graph, and don't even get me started on calculus..."

      The second professor disagrees, "Surely you're exaggerating. Most people know all the math they need to know, or more."

      Some time later, the first professor goes to the men's room. The other mathematician beckons to the waitress and says, "Next time you come to our table, I am going to ask you a question. No matter what I ask, I want you to answer by saying 'x-squared'. Please don't mess it up and there's an extra tip coming your way." The waitress agrees.

      When the first mathematician returns, his companion says, "So lets put your theory to the test. I am going to ask some random person who comes by our table an elementary calculus question, and we'll see if they can solve it."

      Soon the waitress comes by and he says, "Excuse me, Miss, can you bring me more tea, please - and by the way - can you tell me what the integral of 2x with respect to x is?"

      The waitress replies, "Certainly sir, more tea it is. And it's x-squared."

      The mathematician says, "See! What did I tell you?" His friend is dumbfounded.

      The waitress, meanwhile, goes to bring tea, and, having turned her back on the two professors, mutters under her breath: "Plus a constant."

      Tags:
      • Math
      • Waitress
      • Professor
      00
      Permalink
    • When men go to heaven there are two gates which they can choose from. The first is labeled "Men who are controlled by their wives", and the other is labeled "Men who control their wives". The first gate had thousands of men waiting to enter, while the second gate only had 1 man in line.

      When St. Peter came to check on the lines, he approached the one individual standing in the "Men who control their wives" line and asked, "Why are you the only man standing here?"

      The man replied, "I don't know. My wife told me to do it."

      Tags:
      • Men
      • St. Peter
      00
      Permalink
    • My mom told me that I objectify women.

      When she asked me why I broke up with my last girlfriend, I said "it didn't work out."

      She said "be more specific."

      I said "I just told you she didn't exercise."

      Tags:
      • Women
      • Girlfriend
      00
      Permalink
    • Jesus and his disciples walk into a restaurant.

      Jesus: A table for 26, please.

      Headwaiter: But there's only . . . um, 13 of you.

      Jesus: Yeah, we're all going to sit on the same side.

      Tags:
      • Bar
      • Bible
      • Paint
      • Jesus
      00
      Permalink
    • A blind man walks into a shop...

      ...he picks his guide dog up by the tail and starts to swing it around his head.

      "Can I help you!?" asks the shop assistant.

      "No thanks," said the man, "I'm just looking around."

      Tags:
      • Blindness
      00
      Permalink
    • A man is standing outside in the "smoking zone" of an airport on a freezing cold January morning, smoking one last cigarette before his 16-hour, non-stop flight to Hong Kong for a business trip.

      Another man walks up to him and says "Do you have any idea how bad that is for you? Don't you know that the mortality rate of smokers is 3 times as high as non-smokers?"

      The smoker looks at him and says, "Yeah, well my grandfather father lived to be 105."

      The other man opens his eyes wide in astonishment. He asks in disbelief: "Your grandfather really lived to be 105? And he was a smoker???"

      The smoker blows the last puff in the guys face, "No, he just minded his own fucking business."

      Tags:
      • Airport
      • Cigarette
      • Grandfather
      00
      Permalink
    • A man walks into a library and says to the librarian, "Hello, I'd like a hamburger please."

      The librarian says, "Sir, this is a library."

      The man apologizes, then whispers ^"I'd ^like ^a ^hamburger ^please."

      Tags:
      • Library
      00
      Permalink
    • The eldest of three siblings comes up to his mother and asks, "Mommy, mommy, why is my name Leaf?"

      "Well, honey," the mother says, "it's because when you were a little baby, a leaf landed on your head."

      Satisfied, the child goes away.

      Later, the middle child tugs at her mother's hand. "Mommy, mommy, why is my name Feather?"

      "Well, darling," the mother says, "it's because when you were a little baby, a feather floated down and landed on your head."

      The little girl smiles and goes on her way.

      A few moments later the youngest child runs into the room and says, "WARGLBARGLAAHRGLB?"

      The mother says, "Shut up, Refrigerator."

      Tags:
      • Children
      00
      Permalink
    • I took my dog to the vet.

      The vet picked up the dog and examined him and said "I'm sorry, I've got to put him down".

      "Why, what's wrong with him?"

      "He's too heavy."

      Tags:
      • Dog
      • Veterinarian
      00
      Permalink
    • A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun.

      She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead.

      Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so she is overcome with grief.

      She takes the gun and puts it to her head.

      The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it."

      The blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next."

      Tags:
      • Gun
      • Blonde
      • Boyfriend
      00
      Permalink
    • I went to the doctor and he told me "Don't eat anything fatty."

      I asked, "Like what? No pizza or burgers?!"

      He replied "No, fatty, just don't eat anything!"

      Tags:
      • Fat
      • Doctor
      • Weight Loss
      00
      Permalink
    • Three girls are stuck on an island when they find a lamp, and a genie comes out of it. He grants them each one wish.

      The brunette girl wishes to go home and see her family. *poof* shes gone.

      The redhead wishes also go go home to see her family. *poof* shes gone.

      The genie comes to the blonde girl and sees that shes crying.

      He asks "why are you crying?"

      She responds "I wish my friends were back".

      Tags:
      • Wish
      • Genie
      • Blonde
      00
      Permalink
    • An Israeli soldier who just enlisted asked the Commanding Officer for a 3 day pass.

      The CO says, "Are you crazy? You just joined the Israeli army, and you already want a 3 day pass? You must do something spectacular for that recognition!"

      So the soldier comes back a day later in an Arab tank!

      The CO was so impressed, he asked, "How did you do it?"

      "Well, I jumped in a tank, and went toward the border with the Arabs. I approached the border, and saw an Arab tank. I put my white flag up, the Arab tank put his white flag up. I said to the Arab soldier, 'Do you want to get a 3 day pass?' So we exchanged tanks!"

      Tags:
      • Army
      • Israel
      00
      Permalink
    • Three nuns die and arrive at St. Peter's gate. He says, "In order to enter the gates of heaven, each of you have to answer a question to prove your knowledge about the holy father and his reign."

      So he asks the first nun, "Who was the first man on earth?"

      She answers, "Oh, that's an easy one! It was Adam." And the angels sing and the doors open and she enters into heaven.

      St. Peter asks the second nun, "Who was the first woman on earth?"

      She answers, "Oh, that's an easy one! It was Eve." And the angels sing and the doors open and she enters into heaven.

      Finally St. Peter asks the third nun, "What was the first thing that Eve said to Adam?"

      She answers, "Oh... That's a hard one!" And the angels sing and the doors open and she enters into heaven.

      Tags:
      • Nun
      • Heaven
      • St. Peter
      00
      Permalink
    • An elderly couple was having dinner at another couple's house. After their meal, the wives went into the kitchen. The two elderly gents were talking, and one says, "Last night we went out to a fabulous new restaurant that I'd highly recommend."

      The other man says, "What's the name of the restaurant?"

      The first man thinks long and hard with a furrowed brow, finally saying, "Uh, what is the name of that red flower you give to someone you love?"

      His friend replies, "A carnation?"

      "No, no. The other one," the man says.

      His friend suggests, "The poppy?"

      "No, no, no," growls the man. "You know - the one that is red and has thorns."

      His friend says, "Do you mean a rose?"

      "Yes! Thank you," the first man says.

      He then turns toward the kitchen and yells, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"

      Tags:
      • Old People
      • Restaurant
      00
      Permalink
    • A math professor, John, is having problems with his sink so he calls a plumber.

      The plumber comes over and quickly fixes the sink. The professor is happy until he gets the bill. He tells the plumber, "How can you charge this much? This is half of my paycheck." But he pays it anyways.

      The plumber tells him, "Hey, we are looking for more plumbers. You could become a plumber and triple your salary. Just make sure you say you only made it to 6th grade, they don't like educated people."

      The professor takes him up on the offer and becomes a plumber. His salary triples and he doesn't have to work nearly as hard. But the company makes an announcement that all of their plumbers must get a 7th grade education. So they all go to night school.

      On the first day of night school they all attend math class. The teacher wants to gauge the class so he asks John, "What is the formula for the area of a circle?"

      John walks up to the board and is about to write the formula when he realizes he has forgotten it. So he begins to attempt to derive the formula, filling the board with complicated mathematics. He ends up figuring out it is negative pi times radius squared. He thinks the minus doesn't belong so he starts over, but again he comes up with the same equation. After staring at the board for a minute he looks out at the other plumbers and sees that they are all whispering, "Switch the limits on the integral!"

      Tags:
      • Plumber
      • Professor
      11
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    • A man meets a Genie and gets three wishes.

      However any of his wishes that are granted will also come true for all the politicians in the world times two.

      Genie: What is your first wish?

      Man: I want a million dollars.

      Genie: You now have a million dollars and all the world's politicians now receive two million. What is your second wish?

      Man: I want a new Mercedes.

      Genie: You now have a new Mercedes and all the world's politicians now receive two of them. What is your third and final wish?

      Man: I want to donate a kidney.

      Tags:
      • Wish
      • Mercedes
      • Politics
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    • Met a woman at the bar the other night. She was absolutely stunning. At least at 11/10.

      I asked her where she's from and what she does.

      She said "I live around here, and I'm a brain surgeon."

      Now I don't know if it's sexist of me, but I was really impressed. Most women can't pull off sarcasm.

      Tags:
      • Bar
      • Women
      • Surgery
      • Sarcastic
      00
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    • Two elderly couples are in a car driving on the German Autobahn. Their speed is exactly 81 km/h. A police officer stops them.

      One of the elderly chaps asks: 'Good day officer, were we speeding?'

      'No, not at all. But why are you going so slowly?'

      'Why, can we drive faster?'

      'Of course, 130km/h easily.'

      'But on the signpost it says A81.'

      'Yes, so?'

      'Well, we thought that 81 km/h was the limit then.'

      'Oh no, that's just the motorway's number.'

      'Oh, ok. Thanks for the information!'

      Before letting them go, the policeman looks into the car, the back seat specifically, where he sees two petrified old women. So he asks: 'What's the matter with the two ladies in the backseat? Do they feel alright?'

      'Oh yes, most certainly. It's just that we left the B252 two minutes ago.'

      Tags:
      • Police
      • Speeding
      00
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    • A man passes away and his funeral is set to be held in his home town where one of his sons lives. The other son, a wealthy businessman, unfortunately can't make it to the ceremony so instead he offers to pay for the entire thing.

      A few months later, the businessman is looking over his finances and notices a recurring bill of $120 a month. Confused, he called up his brother and asks him if he knows anything about it.

      "Oh yeah" the brother replies. "Dad always wanted to go out in style so we rented him a tuxedo."

      Tags:
      • Funeral
      00
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    • A Texan is getting drunk in a bar in Alaska, and he starts to brag about how great Texas is.

      An Alaskan hunter comes up to him and says, "Listen, buddy. Here in Alaska, you ain't shit until you've done three things: Drink a fifth of Alaskan whiskey, shoot a polar bear, and make love to an Eskimo woman."

      The Texan accepts the challenge and starts by grabbing a bottle of whisky from the counter and painfully chugging it down. He then says that he'll be right back and ambles out the door.

      A few hours later he stumbles back into the bar all mangled and bloody and says, "I did it! Now where's that Eskimo woman I'm supposed to shoot?"

      Tags:
      • Bar
      • Texas
      • Alaska
      00
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    • A defendant was on trial for murder. There was strong evidence indicating guilt, but there was no corpse. In the defense's closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, resorted to a trick.

      "Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all," the lawyer said as he looked at his watch. "Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom."

      He looked toward the courtroom door.

      The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked on eagerly.

      A minute passed. Nothing happened.

      Finally the lawyer said, "Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I, therefore, put it to you that there is reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty."

      The jury, clearly confused, retired to deliberate.

      A few minutes later, the jury returned and pronounced a verdict of guilty.

      "But how?" inquired the lawyer. "You must have had some doubt; I saw all of you stare at the door."

      The jury foreman answered, "Oh, we looked. But your client didn't."

      Tags:
      • Bar
      • Court
      • Lawyer
      00
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    • Earl and Larry are out hunting one day, tracking an elk.

      After a while, Larry, looks up and says, "Earl, do you know where we are?"

      "No idea," said Earl, "but I know what to do. If we shoot into the air three times, someone will hear it and come save us."

      With nothing to lose, they shot into the air three times and waited.

      After several hours, and nobody coming to rescue them, they tried a second time, again to no avail.

      It was getting dark, and Earl suggested they try it one last time.

      "OK Earl," Larry sighed, "but if this doesn't work, I'm afraid we're on our own. I'm down to my last three arrows."

      Tags:
      • Hunting
      00
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    • So aliens from Mars come down to Earth ....and they're friendly!

      The leaders of the world and the aliens plan a huge televised event where the leaders can ask questions on whatever they want.

      During this event, the pope is up to talk to the aliens. "I know this question may sound odd to you gentlemen," the pope starts to ask, "but I was wondering if you and your kind knew about Jesus Christ?"

      "Jesus Christ?!?" the alien leader exclaims, "How do we not!?! He swings by our planet every two years or so. Awesome guy!"

      Now this obviously starts a huge debate within the UN, as this information now has implications to everything they knew.

      The pope, however, is not exactly a happy person as his brain is on other information.

      "EVERY TWO YEARS OR SO?!?" The pope exclaims, "We've still been waiting for his SECOND coming!"

      Trying to calm down the pope, the aliens say "Well maybe he didn't like your chocolate."

      The pope, upon hearing this news, takes a few moments to calm down. When he finally regains his composure, he states calmly, "Forgive me, but what does chocolate have anything to do with this?"

      The aliens respond, "Well when he was on our planet, we would give him huge boxes of chocolates. Why, what did you guys do when he was here?"

      Tags:
      • Mars
      • Alien
      • Chocolate
      • Jesus
      • Little Johnny
      00
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    • A patient asks his doctor, "If I gave up women, wine, and song, would I live longer?"

      The doctor replies, "No, but it will feel longer."

      Tags:
      • Doctor
      00
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    • A blonde cop pulls over a blonde speeder.

      "Can I see your license ma'am?"

      "My what?", asks the driver.

      "Your license," says the cop, "It's the little square thing that has your picture on it."

      "Oh!", says the driver and hands over her compact.

      The cop takes one look and says, "Oh, I'm sorry ma'am. I didn't realize you were a cop."

      Tags:
      • Blonde
      • Police
      00
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    • Infinitely many mathematicians walk into a bar...

      The first says, "I'll have a beer." The second says, "I'll have half a beer." The third says, "I'll have a quarter of a beer." The bartender pulls out just two beers. The mathematicians ask, "That's all you're giving us?" The bartender says, "Come on guys. Know your limits."

      Tags:
      • Bar
      00
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    • A man is driving with his wife...

      They drive past a cop when suddenly, the man's wife falls out of the car. The cop pulls the car over to talk to the man. The cop says: "Sir, did you know your wife fell out of the car back there?" The man responds: "Oh thank god! I thought I was going deaf!"

      Tags:
      • Police
      00
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    • What's your name?

      A cop pulls a guy over and asks for his license and registration. The driver responds, "I don't have a license or registration, Officer." "Tell me your name then," the cop demands. "Mr. Kret," the driver says. "TELL ME YOUR FULL NAME," the officer barks, sufficiently irritated. The driver smiles..."Itza C. Kret."

      Tags:
      • Police
      00
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    • A man walks into a graveyard bar

      "Can I get a beer?" he asks as he walks up to the bar. "I'm sorry," replies the bartender. "We serve only spirits."

      Tags:
      • Bar
      00
      Permalink
    • A blonde went to work...

      Her boss found her crying in her office and went to see what's wrong. She told him that her mom had just died. He told her to go home and take the week off. She then said that that wasn't the problem. Puzzled, he asked what the problem was. "My sister called me, her mom died too!"

      Tags:
      • Blonde
      • Daughter
      00
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    • I've just taken my sausages back to the butchers...

      There was only a tiny bit of pork in the middle, the left and right sides were just pure breadcrumbs. The butcher apologised and said that he was suffering financially, business was tough and he was finding it increasingly difficult to make ends meat.

      Tags:
      • Butcher
      • Business
      00
      Permalink
    • God see's Adam feeling depressed, and he decides help him out.

      God says, " Adam, I will make you a companion who will cook for you, clean for you, do your laundry and please you in every way you can imagine". Adam says, "Wow! This sounds great, but what will it cost me?" God replies,"An arm and a leg". Adam thinks about this for a second and says, "What can I get for a rib?"

      Tags:
      • Christmas
      00
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    • Relaxing location

      While my parents were making their funeral arrangements, the cemetery salesman pointed out a plot that he thought they would like. "You'll have a beautiful view of the swan pond," he assured them. Dad wasn't sold: "Unless you're including a periscope with my casket, I don't know how I'm going to enjoy it."

      Tags:
      • Cemetery
      • Salesman
      00
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    • probably won't get him laid

      A guy walks into a bar and starts pretending to shoot arrows to a few girls. One of those girls smiles and gets closer to talk: "Hey, I saw that you threw me an arrow." she said while winking at him. "Yes, I guess I did." came his reply. "Who are you?", she asked. "Cupid throwing love arrows?" "No, I'm Legolas killing orcs"

      Tags:
      • Bar
      00
      Permalink
    • A beautiful woman walks into her professor's office

      Woman: "I really need to get an A in this course. What can I do to get an A?" Professor: "Is getting an A really that important?" Woman (seductively): "Yes, I would do anything to get an A". Professor: "Anything?" Woman (seductively): "Yes, anything." Professor: "Would you study?"

      Tags:
      • Professor
      00
      Permalink
    • A BLONDE'S THEFT

      A blonde goes to the library to get a book. A few days later, she comes back and says to librarian at the counter, "This book was very boring. It had too many characters and too many numbers, so I would like to return it." The librarian says to her coworkers, "So here's the person who took our phone book!"

      Tags:
      • Blonde
      00
      Permalink
    • There's a Central African tribe of pygmies called the 'Fakawi'.

      But how did they get this name?.. Their habitat in the jungle is covered with wild grass which is 4 feet high but the pygmies are only 3 feet tall... Every so often they could be seen jumping up shouting... "Where the Fakawi?"

      Tags:
      • Jungle
      00
      Permalink
    • A lawyer is meeting the devil to make a deal

      ... and says, "Alright, I want to win my next 10 cases in a row, for settlements of no less than $1 million!" The Devil replies, "Ok mister lawyer, but in return, I demand the souls of your wife and child for 1000 years!" The lawyer scratches his head and says, "I don't get it, where's the catch?" From my dad.

      Tags:
      • Satan
      • Lawyer
      00
      Permalink
    • Two men are playing golf near a country road...

      When they see a funeral procession go by. One of them stops playing, takes off his cap, and bows his head. The other says "that's very decent of you, to stop playing and pay your respects." The first one responds "Well I'd think so; we were married for 52 years."

      Tags:
      • Golf
      00
      Permalink
    • Two statisticians are out hunting when one of them sees a duck. The first takes aim and shoots, but the bullet goes sailing pass 6in too high. The second statistician also takes aim and shoots, but this time the bullet goes sailing past 6in too low. The two statisticians then give one another high fives and exclaim "Got him!"

      Tags:
      • Duck
      00
      Permalink
    • Am man goes to the doctor and says: "Doctor I take a dump every morning at exactly 7:30, and I hate that it happens that early every day."

      The doctor replies: "Well, you should be happy. You are blessed with amazing intestines. Some people would kill for that!"

      To which the man says: "Yeah, that's great and all but I don't wake up until 8."

      Tags:
      • Poop
      • Doctor
      00
      Permalink
    • Priest DUI

      So a priest is driving along, swerving a bit and gets pulled over, the officer asks him 'have you had anything to drink tonight father' to which the priest replies 'only water' the officer then points out a empty bottle of wine in the passenger seat, the priest then shouts 'Jesus Christ! He's done it again!'

      Tags:
      • Police
      • Priest
      • Jesus
      • Little Johnny
      00
      Permalink
    • A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are captured by a witch

      The witch tells them, "If you say something about yourself that is true, I will let you go, if not, you will vanish into thin air" The brunette says, "I think I'm the prettiest" *Poof!* the brunette disappears. The redhead says, "I think I'm the smartest" *Poof!* the redhead disappears. The blonde says, "I think..." *Poof!*

      Tags:
      • Blonde
      00
      Permalink
    • A daughter is seemingly possessed by a demon...

      Her mother frantically calls their priest, requesting an exorcism. She describes the details "She has been spinning about wildly, climbing on the walls, running on the ceiling.. moving about non-stop!" The priest replies "I don't know what you want me to do. Sounds like she's already exercising plenty!"

      Tags:
      • Daughter
      00
      Permalink
    • A young girl walks in on her dad peeing...

      The dad fumbles around trying to cover up. Then the girl says "don't worry dad. I've seen one before. Mommy brushes her teeth with the neighbor's."

      Tags:
      • Neighbor
      00
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    • Buddy's been driving all night, sees a roadside bar and stops for a much-needed cold beer.

      Bouncer says "sorry bud, gotta have a tie to get in". Buddy goes to his car, roots thru the trunk and can't find a tie. Grabs his jumper cables and wraps them around his neck. Bouncer says "cool man, come on in...just don't start anything". ....I'll see myself out now.

      Tags:
      • Bar
      00
      Permalink
    • A blind rabbit and a blind slug are moving through the woods until the two of them bump into each other. The slug reaches out, touches the rabbit, and says "You're soft and fluffy. You must be a rabbit." The rabbit reaches out, touches the slug, and says "You're cold and slimy. You must be a politician."

      Tags:
      • Rabbit
      • Politics
      00
      Permalink
    • A man walks out of a bar...

      He realizes he must be drunk after having seen an Irishman, Englishman and a Scotsman drinking together, A horse, 2 chemists (one dead), a piano player, a dog, a monkey, an octopus, 007, an ostrich as well as a befuddled bartender tending to countless men walking into the bar...

      Tags:
      • Bar
      • Irish
      • Piano
      • Monkey
      • Drinking
      00
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    • A farmer walks into his barn with a bucket.

      He starts milking his cow, while a pesky fly continues to buzz around the cows head. Suddenly the fly goes straight in to the cows ear. The farmer doesn't think much of it, just continues milking, when suddenly it shoots out into the bucket. The farmer, freaked out, exclaimed "it went in one ear and out the udder!"

      Tags:
      • Farmer
      00
      Permalink
    • A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead, all pregnant, are in the waiting room for the OB/GYN....

      The brunette says "I was on top, so I'm gonna have a boy." The redhead says "I was on the bottom, so I'm gonna have a girl." The blonde bursts into tears and says, "I'm gonna have puppies!"

      Tags:
      • Blonde
      00
      Permalink
    • A man wakes up from a five year coma...

      Doctor: Sir you've been out for a long time and I'm afraid I have some terrible news. Patient: Oh I don't mind as long as I get to see my favorite gorilla at the Cincinnati Zoo

      Tags:
      • Zoo
      00
      Permalink
    • I was sitting in a bar one day and two really large women came in, talking in an interesting accent.

      So I said, "Cool accent, are you two ladies from Ireland?" One of them snarled at me, "It's Wales, dumbo!" So I corrected myself, "Oh, right, so are you two whales from Ireland?" That's about as far as I remember.

      Tags:
      • Bar
      00
      Permalink
    • A guy gets pulled over for speeding

      The cops walks up to the guy's car window and says "Son, I've been here just a waitin' for you all day." The guy replies "Well, I got here as fast as I could".

      Tags:
      • Police
      00
      Permalink
    • A monkey walks into a bar...

      ...and asks the bartender: - Do you have bananas? - No. - Do you have bananas? - I said, no. - Do you have bananas? - No, are you deaf or what? If you ask me one more time if I have bananas, I'll NAIL your tongue at the counter! - ... Do you have nails? - No. - Do you have bananas?

      Tags:
      • Bar
      • Monkey
      00
      Permalink
    • A cowboy is riding his horse in the desert...

      next to them his dog is running along. Suddenly the dog says:"I'm so hot right now. I can't take it anymore". The surprised cowboy looked at the dog and said: "Wow!I didn't know dogs could talk". Then suddenly the horse says: "Neither did I!!"

      Tags:
      • Dog
      • Horse
      • Cowboy
      00
      Permalink
    • An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar...

      The first asks, "1 beer please!" The second asks, "1/2 beer please!" The third asks, "1/4 beer please!" The fourth asks, "1/8 beer please!" And so on. Eventually, the bar tender gets very angry, and slams 2 beers on the counter yelling, "You mathematicians just don't know your limits!"

      Tags:
      • Bar
      00
      Permalink
    • A priest is walking through the woods at night

      He is stopped by a policeman. The priest asks, "What seems to be the problem, officer?" The policeman replies, "A Boy Scout was abducted in the area, and we are looking for a potential child molester." The priest thinks for a second, and says, "I'll do it."

      Tags:
      • Police
      • Priest
      00
      Permalink
    • A blonde is driving in her car and turns on the radio..

      It says that two Brazilian men were killed. She stats crying and says, "How many is a brazilian?"

      Tags:
      • Blonde
      00
      Permalink
    • Little Johnny is at Toys R Us looking for a new toy to buy. He finally finds a toy car he really likes and decides to buy it. He goes up to the cashier to pay for the toy car and offers fake Monopoly money. The cashier says to Little Johnny, "are you dumb? this is not real money." Little Johnny responds, "You're stupid, neither is the car..."

      Tags:
      • Little Johnny
      00
      Permalink
    • A Sunday School Teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "Honor" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat, one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."

      Tags:
      • Jesus
      • Little Johnny
      00
      Permalink
    • Back during the Apollo moon-missions, NASA astronauts left an American flag on the surface of the moon.

      Over the years, unfortunately, the sun's harsh cosmic rays have bleached the flag completely white. So, any future visitors to the moon will no longer be able to find any proof that the *US* went to the moon, since the only flag left is the French flag.

      Tags:
      • America
      00
      Permalink
    • Last Names

      Back in olden days, people got their last names by their profession or something they were known for. For example, if your last name is smith, your ancestor was a black smith. If your last name is Carpenter your ancestor was a carpenter. And if your last name is Dickinson I have some bad news

      Tags:
      • News
      00
      Permalink
    • Typical Johnny

      Teacher asks the class if they can think of a sentence with the word 'contagious' in it. After a long pause little Johnny puts his hand up. "yes Johnny, give it a go" I was in the car with my dad and we were driving past one of our neighbours who was painting his garden fence with a toothbrush. My dad said "it's going to take that contagious to finish that"

      Tags:
      • Little Johnny
      00
      Permalink
    • Two men arguing

      I was in a nightclub queue when two blokes in front of me started arguing. One guy pushed the other and said, "Four, nine." The other man pushed him back and said, "Sixteen, twenty-five." A bouncer reached for his walkie-talkie and said, "I need some help at the door. We've got a couple of men squaring up."

      Tags:
      • Nightclub
      00
      Permalink
    • A bowling ball jumped off the roof of a tall building.

      Looking among the pieces of shattered bowling ball, the Physicist in the crowd regretfully said, "He had so much potential..." I know I know. I'm not a dad but I teach physics and I've never made up a joke before....

      Tags:
      • Physics
      00
      Permalink
    • The lone Ranger and Tonto are riding their horses when Tonto falls off. He lands in a ditch. The lone Ranger walks up and says "Tonto are you ok"? Tonto puts his ear to the ground and remains quiet. The lone Ranger repeats himself and Tonto quiets him and says "buffalo come" the lone Ranger says " you can tell that by listening to the ground"? Tonto says "no, ground very sticky."

      Tags:
      • Horse
      • Lone Ranger
      00
      Permalink
    • Unfair Christmas

      Two brothers open up their Christmas gifts. One got many gifts. Xbox One, PS4, tons of games, Legos, remote control vehicles, and much more. The other one got a used tennis ball. One brother says to the other "Look at all the gifts I got, and you got a shitty tennis ball. HAHA" the other replies "At least I don't have cancer."

      Tags:
      • Car
      • Christmas
      00
      Permalink
    • An old man and his wife die in an accident and go to heaven. There, an angel gives them a beautiful house by the beach and everything they want. All they have to do is stay in the vicinity and enjoy themselves. The old man turns to his wife and says: "You idiot! We could have come here 10 years ago, but noooo, you wanted to eat healthy"

      Tags:
      • Heaven
      • St. Peter
      00
      Permalink
    • A man with anxiety accidentally annoyed the cartel

      He began seeing a psychiatrist because of hispanic attacks.

      Tags:
      • Psychiatry
      00
      Permalink
    • A recent college grad visits a farm one day. He approaches the farmer and points to one of the trees.

      "You know, with the methods you old farmers use, I'd be surprised if you could get one bushel of apples from that tree," says the college grad.

      "I'd be, too," the farmer answers. "That's a peach tree."

      Tags:
      • Farmer
      00
      Permalink
    • Two blondes were driving along in a car...

      ...when they came across an open field with another blonde sitting in a canoe and pretending to row it. One blonde in the car says to the other, "See, it's things like this that gives blonde a bad reputation, if I could swim, I would go out there and bash her".

      Tags:
      • Blonde
      00
      Permalink
    • A man walks into the psychiatrist's office with a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear and he says, "I don't know what's the matter with me lately" The psychiatrist says, "You're not eating properly."

      Tags:
      • Cucumber
      • Psychiatry
      00
      Permalink
    • A cop pulls over a woman

      The officer comes to the window of the car and asks the woman "Mam, do you have any weapons in the car?" The woman replies "Well, I have a 12 gauge in the trunk, a smith and wesen in the glove compartment, a colt on my side, and a derenger strapped to my boot." The officer says "My god woman, what are you afraid of?" She says "Absolutely nothing."

      Tags:
      • Police
      00
      Permalink
    • Penguin

      A bartender was working late at night when suddenly a man ran bursting through the door and asked the bartender. Man: "QUICK, HOW TALL IS A PENGUIN?" The bartender slightly confused, he simply said. Bartender: "about this tall" The man started to panic and said. Man: "Oh god I ran over a nun!"

      Tags:
      • Bar
      • Nun
      00
      Permalink
    • Fatherhood

      A soldier asks his sergeant if he can have a couple of days off because he's going to become a father. 'Very well, you can have three days off' the sergeant says. After three days the soldier is back and the sergeant asks him what the name of the kid is. 'No idea' the soldier responds 'but I will tell you in nine months'.

      Tags:
      • Soldier
      00
      Permalink
    • A cop is walking down the street and notices a young blonde woman down on her knees under a streetlight. "Can I help you?" he asked. The blonde woman replied, "I dropped my diamond ring and I'm looking for it." The cop asked, "Did you drop it right here?" "No," responded the blonde, "I dropped it about a block away, but the light's better here."

      Tags:
      • Blonde
      • Police
      00
      Permalink
    • As I went to reach for the largest cucumber in the supermarket a woman also went to grab it. "Oh yeah, I bet I know why you want the biggest one," I winked. "You've got me," she giggled, "do you fancy coming back to mine and watching?" "No thanks," I replied, "I've got better things to do with my time than stand watching a woman make sandwiches."

      Tags:
      • Cucumber
      • Supermarket
      00
      Permalink
    • A Man Goes Into A Pharmacy

      And asks for birth control for his wife and seven year old daughter. The pharmacist, shocked, exclaims "You're seven year old daughter is sexually active?!" And the man just shrugs and says "Nah, she just lays there"

      Tags:
      • Daughter
      • Pharmacy
      • Birth control
      11
      Permalink
    • n Eskimo was out for a drive

      An Eskimo is out for a drive one day when his car breaks down and is forced to call a mechanic. Finally the mechanic arrives and he sets to work, looking under the bonnet until he locates the problem. He looks up at the Eskimo and says, "You've blown a seal, mate" to which the Eskimo hastily replies, "No I haven't! That's just frost on my moustache."

      Tags:
      • Mechanic
      00
      Permalink
    • A man goes to a psychiatrist and says "Doctor, you gotta help me, my wife thinks she's a piano..."

      The doc replies, "Well, bring her in and I'll see what I can do." The man says, "Are you nuts!? Do you know how much it costs to move a piano??"

      Tags:
      • Piano
      • Doctor
      • Psychiatry
      00
      Permalink
    • Two guys were out fishing on the lake when a hearse and funeral procession passed the boat on a nearby road. One of them stood up and held his fishing hat over his heart as the hearse passed. His buddy commented, "Gee, Harry, that was really nice and respectful!" To which Harry replied, "Well, after all we were married 40 years."

      Tags:
      • Fishing
      00
      Permalink
    • A guy walks into a bar and begins to tell a Polish joke.

      The bartender stops him and says "I'm Polish. You see the guy over there - he's the owner of this bar and he's Polish. You see these two big guys drinking beer beside you - they're Polish. You still want to tell your joke?"

      The guy thinks about it and says "No, I don't want to tell it anymore. Nobody will get it."

      Tags:
      • Bar
      • Poland
      • Drinking
      00
      Permalink
    • A man wanks into a bar...

      ...and the bartender says "We don't serve your typo here"

      Tags:
      • Bar
      00
      Permalink
    • So this redneck in New York is getting mugged...

      and he fights like a wildcat, but eventually the three toughs overcome him. Two hold him down while the third grabs his wallet and opens it. "Ten dollars??!!? You fought like a madman for *15 minutes* for a lousy ten bucks?" "Oh no!" replied the redneck. "I thought you were going after the $500 in my shoe!"

      Tags:
      • Redneck
      • New York
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    • A priest walks into a movie theater

      ...and finds that most of the seats are taken. He looks around for a while, and finally sees an empty seat. The priest asks the man sitting next to the open seat, "Excuse me, is this seat saved?" The man looks the priest up and down and replies to him, "No, but it's willing to listen."

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      • Priest
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    • A joke my grandpa tells to me every time I see him

      A pirate walks into a bar and sits down. He orders a drink. The bartender gives him the drink and says "sir do you know there's a steering wheel in your pants" the pirate replies "yarr, its driving me nuts"

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      • Bar
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    • Adding Insult to Introduction

      Some Texans are mingling at the bar when an Oxford graduate walks in. "Howdy, stranger," one Texan says. "Where are you from?" The Oxford graduate answers, "I come from a place where we do not end our sentences in prepositions." "Oh, I'm sorry," replies the Texan. "Where are you from, jackass?"

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      • Bar
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    • An engineer, a biologist and a mathematician are watching a bar

      As they watch, two people enter. Later, three people leave. The engineer says, "There was someone in there before." The biologist says, "They must have reproduced." The mathematician says, "If one more person enters there will be nobody left in the bar."

      Tags:
      • Bar
      • Engineer
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    • So Descartes walks into a bar

      and he asks the bartender for a beer. The bartender gets it for him and he drinks it. The philosopher calls the bartender over again, asks for another one, gets it, and drinks it. This time, the bartender sees him finish the beer and goes over and asks Descartes if he'd like another. The philosopher says, "I think not," and disappears.

      Tags:
      • Bar
      • Beer
      00
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    • Pour me a drink before I get into a fight

      Man: hurry, pour me a drink before I get into a fight Bartender: here Man: another one before I get into fight Bartender: here Man: another one before I... Bartender: here, but who are you going to fight? Man: you maybe, because I got no money.

      Tags:
      • Bar
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    • An Emergency Call Centre operator has been fired in Bradford It seems that a caller dialed 999 from a mobile phone stating, "I am depressed and lying on a railway line so that when the train comes I can finally meet my maker." To which the call centre employee replied, "Remain calm and stay on the line."

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      • Train
      • Office
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    • It's show and tell day...

      In kindergarten class, and its Johnny's turn. He goes up to the board and puts a dot. "What's that, Johnny?" The teacher asks. "It's a period," replies Johnny. "What's so special about a period Johnny?" she asks. "I have no idea, but my sister missed one, so my dad starting yelling, mom started crying, and the guy next door shot himself."

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      • Little Johnny
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    • A guy comes home to find his girlfriend packing her stuff...

      He says "What's wrong? Are you leaving me?" She says "That's right! My therapist finally convinced me that you're a pedophile." He says "Pedophile huh? That's a pretty big word for a 10 year old."

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      • Girlfriend
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    • A man walks into the doctors with a piece of lettuce hanging out of his bum

      The doctor takes a look and says "God, looks like you've got a problem there." the patient replies "this is just the tip of the iceberg!"

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      • Doctor
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    • A cop shows up to a gory car wreck and immediately sees several body parts lying around. He takes out his pen and pad to make some notes for his report. "Left arm - found in ditch" "Left leg - found in ditch" ~~"Head - found in boulevard~~ ~~"Head - found in boulevard~~ *kick* "Head - found in ditch"

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      • Police
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    • Two blondes are walking in a forest..

      ..when they come across some tracks. The first blonde suggests they are fox tracks, but her friend thinks they may be bear tracks because of the large size of them, not wanting to be out done by her friend, the first blonde changes her mind and insists that they have to be deer tracks. The two were still arguing when the train hit them.

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      • Train
      • Blonde
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    • The police finally catch a notorious criminal,

      so the chief himself decides to interrogate him. Chief: "Let me see here, you have quite the backstory. Theft, forgery, burglary, forgery, blackmail, theft, forgery, forgery, forgery, the list goes on and on. What do you have to say for yourself?" Criminal: "Well, it took me a while to figure out my area of expertise."

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      • Police
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    • Green Spots

      Rebecca is worried about 2 green spots that appeared on her inner thighs. Although she is embarrassed, she goes to the doctor who looks and asks her ' Is your boyfriend a Gypsy? ' Rebecca says 'Yes, how did you know?' So the doctor said 'Tell him his earrings are not gold'

      Tags:
      • Doctor
      • Boyfriend
      • Doctor Who
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    • So, I hit the lottery for two million dollars.....

      The first thing I did was to call my wife. I tell her I hit the lottery for two million dollars, pack your bags. She asks me "should I pack for cold weather or warm". I told her that I didn't care, just be out by the time I get home.

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      • Lottery
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    • My dog can speak English. When I ask him how his day was, he says "rough!" When I ask him what sandpaper feels like he says "rough!" When I ask him where my golf ball went he says "rough!" And when I ask him how aggressively he likes to play he says "I prefer to minimize the chance of injury"

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      • Dog
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    • A blonde goes to a doctor...

      "Doctor, doctor! When I press my body, it hurts!", says the blonde "Well, could you show me where exactly it hurts?", the doctor replied. She then proceeds to press some spots, an "ow" with every press. The doctor then gives her a band-aid. "What am I going to do with a single band-aid?", asks the blonde. "Cover up the cut in your finger."

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      • Blonde
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    • A lady runs up to a golf pro giving a lesson ...

      ... and says "Help! I've just been stung by a bee!". The golf pro asks where. The lady says "Between the first and second holes." The pro says, "Well, I can tell you right now your stance is way too wide."

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      • Golf
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    • They are serious!

      A boy is getting all Ds and Fs in math so his parents send him to Catholic school. On his first report card, his parents are shocked to see their son getting straight As. When his parents ask him why, he says, "Well, when I went into the chapel and saw that guy nailed to a plus sign, I knew they were serious."

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      • Catholic
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    • "Five Horses Is Her Name"

      A man asked an American Indian what was his wife's name. He replied, "She is called Five Horses". The man said, "That's an unusual name for a wife. What does it mean?" The Old Indian answered, "It old Indian name. It mean ..." "NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG!"

      Tags:
      • Horse
      • America
      00
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    • Guy gets a call from his doctor...

      Doc: I have bad news, and I have worse news. Guy: Wow. Ok, well let's start with the worse news. Doc: You have cancer and only have about 3 months to live. Guy (shaken): Ok, what's the bad news? Doc: You have Alzheimer's Disease. Guy (waits a beat): Well at least I don't have cancer.

      Tags:
      • News
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    • A blonde and a burnette are on opposite sides of a river...

      The burnette yells to the blonde "how do I get to the other side?" The blonde yells back "you are on the other side!"

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      • Blonde
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    • That half man, half horse...

      Did you hear about the half man, half horse causing a ruckus downtown last night? He was kicking over trash cans, yelling at people, just going crazy. The cops finally showed up, calmed him down, and asked "Why are you doing this?" Apparently he wanted to be the centaur of attention.

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      • Police
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    • A blonde is watching the news with her husband when the newscaster says, "Six Brazilian men die in a skydiving accident." The blonde starts crying to her husband, sobbing, "That's horrible!" Confused, he replies, "Yes Dear, it is sad, but they were skydiving, and there is always that risk involved." After a few minutes, the blonde, still sobbing, says, "How many is a Brazilian?"

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      • Blonde
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    • Two terrorists in a bar

      Two terrorists discussing in a bar. The waiter finds their behavior suspicious so he comes to their table and asks: "What are you talking about?" Terrorist: "We are planning to kill five hundred people and a goat." Waiter: "Why a goat?" The first terrorist says to the other: "See? I told you nobody will care about five hundred people."

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      • Bar
      • Restaurant
      • Terrorist
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    • A worried flyer asks a statistician...

      "What are my chances of getting on a plane that has a bomb on it?" to which the statistician replies, "very, very low". "But I fly a lot," said the businessman. Then, said the statistician, "Take your own bomb with you. The odds against being on a plane with two bombs on it are 50 billion to one."

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      • Business
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    • A man asks a farmer near a field, "Sorry sir, would you mind if I crossed your field instead of going around it? You see, I have to catch the 4:23 train." The farmer says, "Sure, go right ahead. And if my bull sees you, you'll even catch the 4:11 one."

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      • Farmer
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    • A first-grade teacher can't believe her student isn't hyped up about the Super Bowl. "It's a huge event. Why aren't you excited?" "Because I'm not a football fan. My parents love basketball, so I do too," says the student. "Well, that's a lousy reason," says the teacher. "What if your parents were morons? What would you be then?" "Then I'd be a football fan."

      Tags:
      • Football
      • Super Bowl
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    • So George Bush is in his office...

      His adviser comes in tells him, "Mr. President I'm afraid I have some bad news. There was an explosion at our embassy in South America, two Americans were killed as well as three Brazilian citizens." Bush looks at him and says, "Oh my God... How many is a brazilian?"

      Tags:
      • News
      • America
      • President
      • George Bush
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    • A police officer knocks on a man's door.

      The officer asks, "Is this the Sorkin residence?" The man nods. "May I see a picture of your wife?" The man hands the officer a picture off a shelf. The officer sighs, "It looks like she was hit by a train." " I know, but she's such a nice lady and an excellent cook!"

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      • Police
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    • An Asian guy walks into the New York City currency exchange with 2000 yen and walks out with $72. Next week he walks in with 2000 yen and gets $66. He asks the lady why he gets less money this week than last week. The lady says "Fluctuations". The Asian guy storms out, and just before slamming the door, turns around and says: "Fluc you Amelicans too!"

      Tags:
      • New York
      00
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    • Three doctors are discussing which types of patients they prefer. Doctor Watson says, "I prefer librarians. All their organs are alphabetized." Doctor Fitzpatrick says, "I prefer mathematicians. All their organs are numbered." Doctor Ahn says, "I prefer lawyers. They're gutless, heartless, brainless, spineless, and their heads and rear-ends are interchangeable."

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      • Lawyer
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    • A horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks, "Are you feeling all right?"

      The horse replies,"I don't think I am."

      *POOF* the horse disappears.

      This is of course a joke referencing the famous quote "I think, therefore I am."

      I would have explained this ahead of time but I didn't want to put *Descartes* before the horse.

      Tags:
      • Bar
      • Horse
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    • Two priests are out for a drive when suddenly...

      ...they are pulled over by a police officer. The officer says, "We are looking for two child molesters in the area." The two priests calmly and quietly discuss something for a few moments. Finally, one of the priests turns to the officer and says, "Okay, we'll do it."

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      • Police
      • Priest
      • Driving
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    • There were two men who, between them, knew everything.

      One says to the other, "You know, between the two of us, we know everything there is to know." The second says "Really? How do you figure that?" And the first says "Well, you know everything except that you're a damned idiot, and I know that."

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      • Men
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    • A man walks into a psychologist's office wrapped head to toe in transparent cellophane... The psychologist takes one look at him and says, 'I can clearly see your nuts.'

      Tags:
      • Bar
      00
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    • A girl goes to the doctor ..

      A girl goes to a doctor to ask about green spots on the inside of her thighs. The doctor examines them and then asks "Is your boyfriend a gypsy" Amazed, the girl says "Yes, Why?" The doctor says "Well, tell him his earrings are not gold"

      Tags:
      • Doctor
      • Boyfriend
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    • A nudist woman walks into a bar

      And tells the bartender "one beer please" The bartender just looks at her from head to toes. "What? Haven't you ever seen a naked woman?" - "Oh yeah many times" - "Well, why do you keep staring at me then?" - "I'm just wondering where you keep your money to pay for the beer"

      Tags:
      • Bar
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    • A man walks into a bar....

      ...sits down, orders a beer, and begins to gaze longingly at the barmaid. The barmaid hands him the beer, returns the stare and says... "Take a pitcher, it'll last longer."

      Tags:
      • Bar
      • Beer
      00
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    • Mathematician joke.

      A chemist and a physicist are lost in an unknown area. They see someone and decide to ask for help. "Excuse me, but can you tell us where we are?", asks the chemist. "Sure, you are here", replied the man and leaves. "That man is a mathematician", the chemist tells the physicist, "how do you know?", "What he told us is true and makes sense, but it is useless."

      Tags:
      • Physics
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    • A Lady visited a bar for the first time..

      She was nervous but sat on one tall stool in front of the bartender.. the guy sitting on her left said: "Jack Daniels, Single" the Guy on her right side ordered: "Johnny Walker, Single" now the bartender looked at the lady and said, "And You?" Lady replied: "Yolanda, Married"

      Tags:
      • Bar
      • Johnny Walker
      • Little Johnny
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    • A man is kissing a tractor

      A man is kissing and hugging a tractor Another man goes up to him and says "what on Earth are you doing to this tractor" the man replies explaining that him and his wife are having some marriage problems so a friend said that he should do some sexy thing to a tractor. (Attract her) First time posting ever, sorry for any mistakes.

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      • Marriage
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    • A man walks in on his son and finds him jerking off. The father looked at his son and said "Son, if you keep doing that, you'll go blind!" The boy looked backed at his dad and said "Dad, I'm over here." (I heard a comedian tell this joke but I don't remember who.)

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      • Comedian
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    • A cowboy walks into a saloon...

      and orders himself a drink at the bar counter. Turning to the fellow sitting next to him, he slowly utters, "Combat. Battle. Warfare. Skirmish. Brawl. Scuffle." The other man slams his glass down on the counter, gets up out of his seat, turns to face the cowboy, and says, "Hey, them's fightin' words!"

      Tags:
      • Bar
      • Cowboy
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    • A man is waiting in the doctor's office...

      When the doctor comes in and says, "There's good news and there's bad news concerning your health. Which would you like to hear first?" "Give me the good news first." Replies the patient. "Well, the good news is we're naming a disease after you."

      Tags:
      • News
      • Doctor
      00
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    • A man has dinner at a Chinese restaurant

      The man says to the chef: "Gee, this steak is rubbery!" And the chef replies "thank you very much!"

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      • Cooking
      00
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    • Art Thief

      A mastermind thief infiltrates The Louvre and steals several paintings. He loads them all into his van and drives off. A few blocks away, his van breaks down. When the police arrive on the scene, one of the officers asks the mastermind how something like this could happen if he was so smart. The mastermind replies with "I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh."

      Tags:
      • Police
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    • An American, an Frenchman, an Israeli, a Spaniard, and a German go to see a seminar

      They show up late, and can only find seats in the back row. When the presenter notices them come in and take seats in the very back, he shouts to them, "Can you guys see me back there?" They answered back in order, "Yes" "Oui" "Ken" "Si" "Ja"

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      • America
      • France
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    • Somewhere off Gilligan's Island...

      On a Christmas cruise on a luxury ocean liner in the Pacific, a passenger sees seven straggly people on a small island jumping up and down and waving their hands and shouting. "Who are they?" the passenger asks the captain. "I've no idea. But each year when we pass, they go nuts."

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      • Christmas
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    • There are 2 cats, an English cat and a French cat, in a contest to swim the English Channel. The English cat is called the one two three cat, and the French cat is called the un deux trois cat.

      Who won?

      The English cat. The un deux trois quatre cinq.

      Tags:
      • Cat
      • France
      • English
      • Swimming
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    • A man walks into a bar while carrying a chunk of asphalt under his arm....

      he says, "Hey! Bartender! Two beers please." The bartender looks at him with a confused look and asked, "Why two? Are you waiting on someone?" The man responds, "Nah, I need for me and one for the road."

      Tags:
      • Bar
      • Sleep
      00
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    • Horror at the zoo

      A man is at the zoo with his family. Suddenly a flustered employee comes up and says *Sir, sir! There's been a terrible accident!* The man responds, *What happened?* *Your mother in Law fell into the alligator pool!* The man, supremely calm, says to the worker, *Not my problem! You try to save those alligators.*

      Tags:
      • Zoo
      • Alligator
      • Office
      • Mother In Law
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    • A man walks into a seafood shop carrying a trout under his arm.

      "Do you make fish cakes?" he asks.

      "Yes we do" replies the fishmonger.

      "Great" says the man, "It's his birthday"

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      • Fish
      • Birthday
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    • So the Pope is doing a crossword puzzle when a Bishop walks in.

      "What is a four letter word for a woman that ends in -unt?" the Pope asks. The Bishop thinks for a minute, afraid to say such a word to the holiest of men. Then a miracle comes to him. "A-unt?" he suggests. "Yes, that fits better, got an eraser?"

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      • Pope
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    • A nun asked in church class, which part of the body comes to heaven first?!

      So Johnny immediately replied: "Must be the legs!" The nun is startled and asks: "Why do you think that, Johnny?" And Johnny replies: "Last night I saw mom in bed with her legs in the air screaming "Oh, god... I'm coming!!!". If dad hadn't been pounding her to the bed so furiously, we would lose her forever!"

      Tags:
      • Nun
      • Little Johnny
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    • Racial Humor

      An Irish man is sitting at a bar, then a Chinese man sits down next to him. The Chinese takes a drink, the the Irish man says to him, "do you know Kung fu?". The Chinese man says, "why because I'm Chinese? That's just racist!". The Irish man says, "No, I ask because you're drinking my beer".

      Tags:
      • Bar
      • Kung Fu
      • Drinking
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    • A purple man has a purple wife.

      They have two purple kids and live in a big purple house. One day they decide to take a vacation, so they all pile into their purple car, drive it to their purple boat, and set out to sea. Sadly the boat crashes and they are stranded on a small island. The purple man looks to the heavens in desperation and cries, "Oh no! We've been marooned!"

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      • Vacation
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    • A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender "Do you have any helicopter flavored chips?"

      The Bartender says "No, we only have plane"

      Tags:
      • Bar
      00
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    • Gender inequality.

      There is an inequality when it comes to men and women. For example... If a man sleeps with hundreds of women he is respected and labeled as a stud or a player. Nothing bad is said about him and he goes on acting like the player he is. However, if a woman that goes around sleeping with hundreds of men, she's your mum.

      Tags:
      • Sleep
      00
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    • An old man doesn't feel well...

      So he and his wife go to the doctors office. When they meet with the doctor he says "We need to do a full work up and run some tests. I'm going to need a urine sample, a stool sample and a sperm sample". The old man, being hard of hearing, turns to his wife and says "eh?". His wife just rolls her eyes and says "Frank, just give him your underwear!"

      Tags:
      • Semen
      • Doctor
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    • A man is in a foot fetishist club

      His girlfriend knows and says that he can give a picture of her feet to the other people in the club. He does and they say that they are the best feet ever. So he goes home and realizes that he had a picture of his girlfriend's mom's feet. He goes to the club the next day and says... Guys we got off on the wrong foot

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      • Girlfriend
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    • A man isn't paying attention when crossing the street and gets hit by a red lorry, a yellow lorry, then a red lorry, then a yellow lorry. A policeman is despatched to inform the unfortunate man's family: "There's no easy way to say this..."

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      • Police
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    • A guy walks into a bar and says, "I'm going to shoot whoever slept with my wife"!

      A man shouts from the back, "You don't got enough bullets, bud"!

      Tags:
      • Bar
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    • A teacher asks Little Johnny what he wants to be when he grows up.

      "I want to be a detective and follow in my father's footsteps," says Johnny. "That's very admirable of you," says the teacher. "I didn't even know your father was a detective." "He's not," says Johnny. "He's a jewel thief."

      Tags:
      • Little Johnny
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    • A blonde walks into a laundromat...

      And says to a worker, "can you wash this shirt?" The worker did not hear her and said "come again?" The blonde than replies "no it is mustard this time"

      Tags:
      • Blonde
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    • A Psychiatrist is sitting in his office...

      When his secretary comes in and says "Sir, there's a man here to see you who thinks he's a flock of crows. If you ask me we should just send him to the loony bin and be done with it." And the psychiatrist replied "Doris! Are you asking me to commit a murder!?"

      Tags:
      • Secretary
      • Psychiatry
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    • A couple were celebrating 60 years of marriage, the old man kissed his wife's neck and then said: "Of our six kids the last one didn't look anything like his brothers and sister, did he have a different father?" After a moment she took a deep breath and answered yes. The old man sighed. "Who was he?" "You."

      Tags:
      • Marriage
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    • Two Electricians Are Working On A Telephone Pole

      As they're working, an old woman walks by them. The first electrician calls out "Ma'am! Can you move that wire aside for us?" She replies "Oh yes, deary", as she picks up the wire and moves it out of the sidewalk and strolls off. The second electrician says to the first "I told you it wasn't live, moron."

      Tags:
      • Telephone
      • Electricity
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    • I once saw an Arab on a flight....

      I was kinda shocked when I saw him and looked on him with suspicion. Then he understood what I was thinking and approaching me, he said, "Not all Muslims are terrorists" and we laughed so hard that his grenades fell out of his pocket.

      Tags:
      • Terrorist
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    • Two blondes and a brunette are walking down the street when a bird poops on one of the blondes. The brunette says "I'll get some toilet paper" and runs off. The other blonde laughs and says, "what an idiot, the bird will be miles away by the time she's back."

      Tags:
      • Bird
      • Blonde
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    • A daughter is in a fierce argument with her father

      The dad is yelling, she's inconsolable and crying. She finally gets sick and tired of it, and storms up to her bedroom. Before entering, she lashes out at her father "Oh, and more thing: Jim Morrison is a terrible artist!" The father, filled with rage yells back "Young lady, there will be NO slamming of The Doors in this house!"

      Tags:
      • Daughter
      • Jim Morrison
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    • A woman's husband dies and gets cremated

      She takes the ashes home, puts them on the porch and says, "You know that fur coat you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money. You know that new car you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money." Then she whispered, "You know that blow job I promised you? Well, here it comes"

      Tags:
      • Insurance
      00
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    • Husband talks to a rabbi.

      A husband goes to talk to a rabbi about how his wife is trying to make him consume poison. The rabbi shows concern and tells the husband, "don't worry I'll talk to her". The next day the husband and the rabbi meet together, and the rabbi informs the husband of the meeting with his wife. "I saw your wife - I talked to her for 3 hours! Take the poison!"

      Tags:
      • Rabbi
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    • A man is sitting in the dock at court.

      The judge asks the man for his occupation. "I'm a locksmith, your honour", the defendant replies. "And what were you doing at the jewellers at three in the morning when police arrived at the scene", the judge inquires. "I was making a bolt for the door".

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      • Court
      00
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    • The hurricane Sandy.

      A guy goes to a bar and looks at the drink menu to see if he can try a new cocktail that he never had before. He noticed there is a drink on the menu named "Hurricane Sandy." The guy never heard of it before so he asks the bartender what is it. The bartender replied "It's a watered down Manhattan."

      Tags:
      • Bar
      00
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    • A blonde and a brunette were on an elevator...

      And a short man with dandruff gets on and then comes off on the next floor. The brunette goes, "Wow, that guy could really use some Head and Shoulders." The blonde says, "How do you give shoulders?"

      Tags:
      • Blonde
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    • A guy asks his waiter at a restaurant how they prepare their chicken...

      The waiter goes blank for a second, then says, "Nothing special really... We just tell them they're going to die..."

      Tags:
      • Restaurant
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    • A feminist and a linguist walk into a bar

      They sit down and begin a conversation. The linguist asks, "Do you have any siblings?" The feminist replies, "Yes, I have a sister. I'm very close with she." The linguist, confused, tries to correct her. "Don't you mean 'with her'?" The feminist is outraged and screams, "Stop objectifying women!"

      Tags:
      • Bar
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    • A Saudi, a Russian, a North Korean and a New Yorker are walking down the street. A reporter comes up to them and says, "Excuse me, what is your opinion about the meat shortage?" The Saudi says, "excuse me , what is this word shortage?" The Russian says, "excuse me, what's meat?" The North Korean says, "excuse me, what's an opinion?" The New Yorker says, "excuse me, what's excuse me?"

      Tags:
      • Reporter
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    • One year, I decided to buy my mother in Law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift. The next year, I didn't buy her a gift. When she asked me why, I replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

      And that's how the fight started.

      My wife and I were watching 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire' while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?" "No," she answered. I then said, "Is that your final answer?" She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, "Yes." So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

      And that's how the fight started.

      I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first. "I'll have the rump steak, rare, please." He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?" "Nah, she can order for herself."

      And that's how the fight started.

      My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table. I asked her, "Do you know him?" "Yes", she sighed, "He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since." "My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

      And that's how the fight started.

      When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer. Always something more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway." The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

      My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, "What's on TV?" I said, "Dust."

      And that's how the fight started.

      Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back; now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible." My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"

      And that's how the fight started.

      I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day! The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!! He looked up at me and said "I am NOT Happy!" So I said, "Well, which one ARE you then?"

      And that's how the fight started.

      My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 160 in about 3 seconds." I bought her a bathroom scale.

      And that's how the fight started.

      After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later. The woman said, "Unbutton your shirt". So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me" and she processed my Social Security application. When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, "You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too."

      And that's how the fight started.

      My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not happy with what she saw and said to me, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment." I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."

      And that's how the fight started.

      Tags:
      • Cemetery
      • Christmas
      • Mother In Law
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    • A man just got a car for his wife.

      Now, that's what you call a fair trade.

      Tags:
      • Car
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    • A man bursts into a doctor's office...

      ...and is frantically looking for the doctor. Finally he finds him in one of the rooms but he is with someone. Still, the man shouts out, "Doctor! Doctor, you have to help me. I think I'm shrinking!" And the doctor says, "Now, now. You'll just have to be a little patient."

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      • Doctor
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    • A woman got stung by a bee on the golf course. As she was allergic to bee stings, she frantically ran to the clubhouse to get help.

      "I've been stung by a bee," she cried to the clubhouse attendant.

      "Where were you stung?" he asked.

      "Between the first and second hole," she said.

      He replied, "I think your stance may be a little too wide."

      Tags:
      • Golf
      • Allergy
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    • A man walked into a bar and sat down, ordered a beer and drank it

      Suddenly he heard a voice... "Nice tie." *Nobody was there except him and the bartender.* "Really cool shirt, too." *He thought he must be losing his mind.* "I like your hair that way." He said to the bartender, "I keep hearing this voice." "Those are the peanuts, sir. They're complimentary."

      Tags:
      • Bar
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    • A brunette and redhead and a blonde are at the OBGYN

      The brunette says she knows she is going to have a boy because her husband was on top. The redhead says she is is going to have a girl, because she was on top. The blonde says: "Oh my God. I'm going to have puppies!"

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      • Blonde
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    • Oh the memories

      You can tell a woman that she is beautiful 1000 times and she will pay no mind to your comments. But tell her that she's fat, just one time, and she will never let you forget it. Do you want to know why that is? Because an elephant never forgets.

      Tags:
      • Elephant
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    • That's weird

      A man walks into a bar and orders a bottle of whisky and drinks it all. Tipsy, he now orders half a bottle of whisky. Drunk, he orders a glass of whisky. Heavily drunk and in a sorry state, he now orders half a glass of whisky. Then he says, "That's weird. The less I drink the drunker I get"

      Tags:
      • Bar
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    • Two blondes in NY are sitting on a balcony at night

      Two blondes are sitting on a balcony at night staring at the stars and moon. One of them asks the other, "what do you think is further, the moon or Florida?" The other responds, "hello?!?! Can you see Florida from here?!?!"

      Tags:
      • Blonde
      • Florida
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    • A farmer wanted to know how many sheep he had...

      So he asked his border collie to count them from him. The dog ran off counted the sheep and ran back to the farmer. "So how many sheep do I have?" Asked the farmer. "40" said the border collie. "How can there be 40?" Asked the farmer. "I only bought 38." The dog replies, "I rounded them up."

      Tags:
      • Farmer
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    • A guy is driving happily along in his car with his girlfriend when he's pulled over by the police.

      The police officer approaches him and asks, "Have you been drinking, Sir?"

      "No. Why?" replies the man.

      "Was I all over the road?"

      "No," replies the officer, "You were driving splendidly. It was the ugly broad in the passenger seat that made me suspicious."

      Tags:
      • Ugly
      • Police
      • Driving
      • Drinking
      • Girlfriend
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    • A lion goes into a restaurant. He sits down, and starts looking through the menu.

      After a while, the waiter comes over. "What would you like to drink, sir?" asks the waiter.

      "A glass of the house wine, please," the lion responds.

      "Excellent choice sir! Might I recommend the Salmon for the starter?"

      "Sounds delicious!"

      "And what can I get you for your main?"

      "Oh, just a comb."

      Tags:
      • Lion
      • Restaurant
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    • I was standing at the bar one night minding my own business.

      This FAT ugly chick came up behind me, grabbed my behind and said, "You're kinda cute. You gotta phone number?" I said, "Yeah, you gotta pen?" She said, "Yeah, I got a pen". I said, "You better get back in it before the farmer misses you."

      Tags:
      • Bar
      • Farmer
      11
      Permalink
    • A young muslim boy is lost in the supermarket...

      and starts crying. So one of the employees goes over to help: "It's ok, we'll find your mum for you. So, what does she look like?" The kid replies "I don't know."

      Tags:
      • Bar
      • Office
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    • A man enters an elevator, and the operator asks him what floor he wants.

      The man says "Eighteenth floor." After arriving, the doors open and the operator says "We are here, my son." The man says "Thanks, but why did you call me your son?" The operator replies "Because I have brought you up."

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      • Elevator
      00
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    • A man fixes a lightbulb, crosses the street, and walks into a bar. He tells the bartender:

      "My whole life is a joke."

      Tags:
      • Bar
      • Lightbulb
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    • A man walks into a zoo.

      The only animal in the entire zoo is a dog.

      It's a Shitzu.

      Tags:
      • Zoo
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    • A woman goes to the doctors complaining of stomach cramps. She gets sent off for some test and comes back a week later. "Well, I hope you're ready for endless sleepless nights of crying and changing dirty diapers!" the doc says. "Wow, you mean I'm pregnant?" the woman replies thrilled. "No, you've got bowel cancer."

      Tags:
      • Doctor
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    • My grandpa would always tell me...

      that when he was growing up, in rural Texas, his momma would give him $1 and send him down to the store. He'd come back with 2 loaves of bread, half a gallon of milk, a carton of eggs, and a pound of pork. He says you can't do that now-a-days, way too many security cameras.

      Tags:
      • Texas
      • Mother
      • Security
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    • A comfortably old joke

      A doctor runs a test on an elderly lady in the hospital and comes in to her room to read her the results. "I have some bad news, and some more bad news. You have cancer, and you also have Alzheimer's disease" The woman says "Well at least I don't have cancer."

      Tags:
      • News
      • Hospital
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    • Three girls are sitting at a bar talking about how loose they are

      The first girl says "I'm so loose my boyfriend can get three fingers inside of me". The second girl says "I'm so loose MY boyfriend can get his whole fist in me." The third girl just smiles and slowly slides down the bar stool.

      Tags:
      • Bar
      • Boyfriend
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    • Overheard this one from some old guys getting changed at my local gym.

      "So I go to the pharmacy and ask the guy if they have any Viagra. The guy there says yes, so I ask if they work and he replies 'you bet'. So next I ask "can I get it over the counter" to which he replies 'if you take two' "

      Tags:
      • Pharmacy
      00
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    • Reading it one time might be not enough.

      -"Hello, are you there?" -"Yes, who are you please?" -"I'm Watt" -"What's your name?" -"Watt's my name." -"Yes, what's your name?" -"My name is John Watt" -"John what?" -"Yes. Are you Jones?" -"No, I'm Knott" -"Will you tell me your name then?" -"Will Knot" -"Why not?" -"My name is Knott" -"Knot what?" -"Not Watt, Knott." -"What?"

      Tags:
      • Police
      00
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    • First joke I ever learned

      An elderly man arrives home from bingo and his wife comes running up to him. "Thank goodness you're home safe! I was watching the news and apparently a lunatic was driving down the wrong side of the freeway!" He responds, "*A* Lunatic? There were hundreds of them!"

      Tags:
      • News
      00
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    • A blonde was rushed to the hospital with a bullet wound in her index finger. Doctor: how did this happen? Blonde: I tried to suicide. Doctor: you shot your finger for suicide? Blonde: No, I shot in my ear. But just before pulling the trigger, I realized that there would be a loud bang, so I closed my other ear with my finger.

      Tags:
      • Blonde
      • Hospital
      00
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    • A man in a job interview.

      Interviewer: "This job requires you to know Powerpoint, how skilled are you with the program" Man: "Well, I Excel in Powerpoint" Interviewer: "Did you just make a Microsoft Office pun?" Man: "Word."

      Tags:
      • Microsoft
      00
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    • A dad and his daughter are having an argument...

      The daughter gets really frustrated with the situation, and goes to leave the room. When she reaches the doorway, she turns around and blurts out "AND BY THE WAY, JIM MORRISON WAS OVERRATED!". Her dad yells back "HEY, WHAT'D I TELL YOU ABOUT SLAMMING THE DOORS".

      Tags:
      • Daughter
      • Jim Morrison
      00
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    • What are your best "If I had ____ for every time..." jokes?

      Two of my favorites are: 1. "If I had a dollar for every existentialist moment I've ever had...Does money even matter?" - Can't remember the comedian. 2. "If I had a quarter every time a hobo asked me for spare change, I'd still say no" - Bo Burnham

      Tags:
      • Comedian
      • Bo Burnham
      00
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    • An Australian takes a vacation in America...

      He's driving along in his rented car and a cop notices him driving on the wrong side of the road. He pulls him over and says "Do you realize you're driving on the wrong side of the road!?" The Australian says "Oh I'm from Australia." The cop says "Well did you come here to die!?" "No," replies the Australian. "I came here yesterduai!"

      Tags:
      • Police
      • Vacation
      • Australia
      00
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    • An elderly couple are sitting in a church

      The man lets out a silent fart while the priest is talking. He then says to his wife "I've let out a silent fart, everyone here will smell it. What do I do?" His wife then says to him, "You get your hearing aids fixed"

      Tags:
      • Old People
      00
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    • Husband's night out

      An angry housewife met her husband at the front door and immediately noticed he smelled of alcohol and perfume. "I assume," she said with her most acidic sarcasm, "That there must be a very good reason for your coming home at six o'clock in the morning with booze on your breath and another woman's perfume all over you." "There is," he said. "I'd like breakfast."

      Tags:
      • Breakfast
      • Housewife
      00
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    • A wife is yelling at her husband.

      "Get out of the house! I hate you, I want a divorce! Get out!" As he walks out the door she screams: "I hope you die a slow and painful death!" The guy says: "So hang on a minute, now you want me to stay?"

      Tags:
      • Drinking
      00
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    • 'That wife of mine is a liar.' said the angry husband to a sympathetic pal seated next to him in the bar.

      'How do you know?' the friend asked.

      'She didn't come home last night, and when I asked her where she'd been, she said she'd spent the night with her sister, Shirley.'

      'So?' the friend replied.

      'So, she's a liar. I spent the night with her sister Shirley!

      Tags:
      • Bar
      00
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    • Hillary is talking to The Pope, and he says...

      "With but one wave of my hand, I can make these people feel joy. Joy that nothing else in the world can bring. And it will be an eternal, everlasting joy." Hillary says "I'll believe that when I see it." And so, the Pope raises his hand into the air, and slaps her across the face, and the crowd goes wild.

      Tags:
      • Pope
      • Little Johnny
      • Hillary Clinton
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    • a stepfather walks in on his stepdaughter

      a stepfather walks into his stepdaughter's room, as he walks in he sees his stepdaughter pleasuring herself with a cucumber, in disgust he leaves her room as fast as possible he then says,"dammit I was gonna eat that!.................. now it will taste like cucumber"

      Tags:
      • Cucumber
      00
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    • Two electricians are up on a pole

      A granny walks by. One of the electricians shouts at the granny: - Hey grandma, can you hold that cable that's on the ground next to you for a bit, please? The granny picks up the cable. The same electrician then states to the other: - Told you it was the ground.

      Tags:
      • Electricity
      00
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    • A man was drinking in a British pub

      ...when he noticed two very large women with strong accents. "Hey, are you two ladies from Ireland?" he asked. "It's Wales, you idiot" one answered. "I'm sorry" the man replied. "Are you two whales from Ireland?"

      Tags:
      • Drinking
      00
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    • Dad joke heard at the beach

      Recently, I was on vacation and at a beach and a father and his kids were playing catch in the water next to me. This kid who had to be about six or seven yells out, "dad, I'm going to try some trash talk. Ready? Your skills are as rusty as a tin can! Get it dad? *trash* talk?" I was dying. That kid is going to make a great dad.

      Tags:
      • Vacation
      00
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    • Troubled arm

      A man went to visit his doctor. "Doc, my arm hurts bad. Can you check it out please?" the man pleads. The doctor rolls up the man's sleeve and suddenly hears the arm talk. "Hello, Doctor," says the arm. "Could you lend me twenty bucks please? I'm desperate!" "Aha!" says the doctor. "I see the problem. Your arm is broke!"

      Tags:
      • Doctor
      00
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    • The Entertainment

      A charitable man decided to visit a sick ward at a hospital to cheer up the patients. He took along a keyboard and played humorous songs and told jokes at many a bedside. After finishing his final performance for an old man he said, "I hope you get better." The old man smiled vaguely at the performer and replied, "I hope you do too."

      Tags:
      • Hospital
      00
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    • My new vegetarian girlfriend cooked me a meal.....

      My new vegetarian girlfriend cooked me one of her favourite dishes last night. "What are these little round things", I asked. "Have you never seen a chick-pea before?", she said. "Of course I have, my last girlfriend was up for anything, but that doesn't answer my question".

      Tags:
      • Girlfriend
      00
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    • What will the neighbors think?

      With summer getting sunnier a woman asks her husband: "What do you think: should I go sunbathing in the nude in the backyard?" The husband just shrugs and says:"Do as you like." The woman replies: "What do you think the neighbors will say if they see me sunbathing like that?" The husband replies:"They'll probably think I married you for the money."

      Tags:
      • Neighbor
      00
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    • A Russian man lives all alone in a cabin

      One day, someone from the government shows up and tells him that due to a map surveyor's error in the 1940s, the cabin he lives in was mistakenly marked as part of Russia, but in fact, it's actually a part of Belarus. "Oh thank God!" the man exclaims. "I don't think I would have been able to stand another Russian winter here."

      Tags:
      • Government
      00
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    • A guy knocked on my door asking for a donation to the local swimming pool.

      I gave him a glass of water.

      Tags:
      • Swimming
      00
      Permalink
    • A Texan, a Russian and a New Yorker go to a restaurant in London

      The waiter tells them, "Excuse me - if you were going to order the steak, I'm afraid there's a shortage due to the mad cow disease." The Texan says, "What's a shortage?" The Russian says, "What's a steak?" The New Yorker says, "What's 'excuse me'?"

      Tags:
      • Restaurant
      • Mad Cow Disease
      00
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    • A philosopher, a linguist, and a physicist were asked, "Which of your three fields is the most useful?"

      The philosopher said, "What do we mean when we use the word 'useful'?" The linguist said, "What do *you* mean when you use the word 'useful'?" The physicist laughed and said, "The answer can be inferred by the uselessness of the other answers."

      Tags:
      • Physics
      00
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    • A bull was deployed for servicing the cows on a farm. Lady asks the farm manager: "How many times can this bull perform?" Manager replies: "5 to 6 times in a day". Lady looks at her husband: "You see?" Husband asks the manager: "Is it the same cow every time?" Manager: "No sir it's a different cow every time." Man looks back to wife: "You see!"

      Tags:
      • Farmer
      00
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    • A man is new in town and asks the next passerby for directions: "Excuse me, could you please tell me where the church is?" "Yeah, it's on 3rd street." "What, right next to the brothel?" "What? No! The brothel is on 17th street." "Oh, I see. Thank you very much!"

      Tags:
      • Directions
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    • A blonde is taking money out of an ATM,

      when the blonde behind her in line says, "Ha! Ha! I know your password. It's four asterisks." The first blonde replies, "Ha! Ha! No it's not. It's 3862."

      Tags:
      • Blonde
      • Password
      00
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    • A nice Scottish lad moves to New York.

      After 6 months his mom calls him and she asks how he finds the Americans. Horrible, he says. They always yell and scream. He hates how they pound on the walls and stomp the floors. Oh pure! she says, how do you get by? I just relax in bed, playing me bagpipes, says the lad.

      Tags:
      • America
      • New York
      • Scottish
      00
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    • A lawyer dies in his sleep and arrives at the gates of heaven. He asks St Peter "Why am I here was healthy, and so young!"

      St. Peter replies, "Young? You were 103 years old!"

      The lawyer says "What? No! I was 36!!"

      St. Peter looks at his ledger and then says, "Ahh, I see the problem. We were going by hours billed."

      Tags:
      • Heaven
      • Lawyer
      • St. Peter
      00
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    • The (wo)man of the house

      Walking into the bar, Bob said to the bartender, "Pour me a stiff one, I just had another fight with the little woman." "Oh yeah?" said John "And how did this one end?" "When it was over," Bob replied, "she came to me on her hands and knees. "Really? Now that's a switch! What did she say?" She said, "Come out from under that bed, you little chickenshit!!

      Tags:
      • Bar
      00
      Permalink
    • an Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German

      were watching an excellent street performer juggling. The street performing noticed the four gentlemen were having trouble seeing him, so he stood up on a crate and asked "can you see me now?". The four men answered back "Yes" "Oui" "Si" "Ja"

      Tags:
      • France
      00
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    • A lawyer, priest, and social worker are on a ship that hits an iceberg...

      The captain comes over the intercom: "Everyone please make your way to the lifeboats". The social worker yells out: "Women and children first!" The lawyer starts pushing his way towards the boats: "Screw the children!" The priest responds: "Do we have time?"

      Tags:
      • Lawyer
      • Children
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    • A woman goes to get a tattoo

      The tattoo artist asks her what she wants and she points to her legs and says right here I want a great big Christmas Tree and on my left thigh I want a great big turkey. Curious the tattoo artist asks why she wants these tattoos The woman's answers. Because my husband always says there isn't anything good to eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas.

      Tags:
      • Christmas
      00
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    • A man's car breaks down outside a monastery.

      The monks take him in and give him dinner - a fantastic dinner, of fish and chips. Best fish and chips he's ever had. So he goes into the kitchen to compliment the chef. He says to one brother, "Excuse me, are you the fish friar?" "No," he answers. "I'm the chip monk."

      Tags:
      • Monk
      • Cooking
      00
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    • A guy wakes up in hospital after surgery and complains he can't feel his legs

      "I know" said the doctor. "We had to amputate your arms"

      Tags:
      • Hospital
      00
      Permalink
    • Two small boys meet on the first day of school

      "My name is Billy. What's yours?" asked the first boy. "Tommy," replied the second. "My Daddy's an accountant. What does your Daddy do for a living?" asked Billy. Tommy replied, "My Daddy's a lawyer." "Honest?" asked Billy. "No, just the regular kind", replied Tommy.

      Tags:
      • Lawyer
      • Accountant
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    • Entrance Exam

      A recent entrance exam for Medical School included several questions that would determine eligibility. One of the questions was "Rearrange the letters P N E S I to spell out an important part of the human body that is more useful when erect." Those who spelled 'spine' became Doctors. The rest ended up in Congress.

      Tags:
      • Congress
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    • A woman adopted a foul-mouthed bird because he was so beautiful and she thought he could be retrained.

      The shelter told her the bird lived in a whorehouse for the last decade. When her husband's car pulled in the drive, she dreaded what the bird would say to him. The bird looked at the husband and said, "Hi Phil, welcome back."

      Tags:
      • Bird
      • Adoption
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    • A lawyer dies and goes to heaven . . .

      "There must be some mistake," the lawyer argues. "I'm too young to die. I'm only 49." "49?" says St. Peter. "No, according to our calculations, you're 83." "How did you figure that?" the lawyer asks. "We added up your time sheets," answered St. Peter.

      Tags:
      • Lawyer
      • St. Peter
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    • An old man is walking in the hospital and talks to himself: -aquarius?... no, no no... was it gemini?... naaah... young doctor can't stand it anymore and walks to him: -cancer grandpa, you got cancer!

      Tags:
      • Hospital
      00
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    • 3 vampires walk into a bar...

      A vampire walks into a bar and orders a shot of hot blood. 15 minutes later, a second vampire walks in and does the same. Not soon after, a third vampire walks in and orders a hot cup of water. "Why the cup of water?" the other two asked. He then pulled out a used tampon and said, "I'm making tea."

      Tags:
      • Bar
      00
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    • A kindergarten teacher asks her students what animals provide us...

      She said, "What does a chicken give us?" and the students replied, "Eggs". She then asked, "What does a pig give us?" and the students replied a joyous "Bacon". Finally she asked "What does a cow give us?" and before anyone could answer little Johnny said "Homework". Joke provided by my ten year old son.

      Tags:
      • Chicken
      • Homework
      • Little Johnny
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    • Two refugees are waiting in line to get into the US, one says "screw this line, I'm going to shoot Trump". He leaves for a while and then comes back to resume his place in line. The other guy says "so, did you do it?" He says "no, the line there was even longer than this one."

      Tags:
      • Donald Trump
      00
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    • A drill sergeant and his cadet..

      A drill sergeant had just chewed out one of his cadets. As he was walking away, he turned to the cadet and said, "I guess when I die you'll come and dance on my grave." The cadet replied, "Not me, Sarge...no sir! I promised myself that when I got out of the Army I'd never stand in another line!"

      Tags:
      • Army
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    • One soldier.

      As a group of soldiers stood in formation at an Army Base, the Drill Sergeant said, "All right! All you idiots fall out." As the rest of the squad wandered away, one soldier remained at attention.The Drill Instructor walked over until he was eye-to-eye with him, and then raised a single eyebrow. The soldier smiled and said, "Sure was a lot of 'em, huh, Drill sergeant?"

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      • Army
      • Soldier
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    • A man walks into a bakery...

      So a man walks into a bakery with a fish under his arm. When he gets in there, the baker greets him and asks him how he could help the man. "Do you sell fish cakes?", the man asks the baker. "No, of course we don't!" the baker replies. "But it's his birthday!"

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      • Birthday
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    • A man went to see a shrink

      He entered the room and remained standing by the door. "I'm here because my wife treats me like a dog" the man said. "Ok" the shrink replied, "Come and sit on this sofa and we can talk some more about this problem". "No, I can't" said the man... "I'm not allowed on the sofa"

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      • Dog
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    • A man walks into a bar...

      and glances at the menu. * **Sandwiches, $2** * **Hand jobs, $5** He calls over to the waitress, a gorgeous young blonde woman who appeared to be in her mid-twenties. "Hey, hi there. Are you the one doing the hand jobs?" She smiles thinly, "Yes sir, I am." "Well, wash your hands and put on some gloves. I'd like a sandwich."

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      • Bar
      • Blonde
      • Waitress
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    • A man goes to the doctor and says "I've got a problem, I have 5 penises"

      The doctor says "Woow, how do your pants fit?", he replies "like a glove"

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      • Doctor
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    • A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing.

      The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the drunk continues to sit there. Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall. The drunk mumbles, "ain't no use knockin', there's no paper on this side either!"

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      • Priest
      • Catholic
      • Confession
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    • An elementary teacher wanted to introduce physiological notions to her students.

      She asks her class: Whoever feels stupid at times stand up! After a while, little Johnny stands up, grudgingly. The teacher asks: So Johnny, you feel stupid from time to time? Little Johnny replies: No ma'am, it's just painful to see you standing all alone.

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      • Little Johnny
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    • During a marriage preparation class, the teacher asked how many kissable areas there are on a woman's body

      One guy said, "18." A French guy in the back yelled, "119!" Another guy said, "12." The French guy piped up again, "119!" A sweet girl in the front said, "I know only one...the lips!" The French guy shouted, "120!"

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      • Marriage
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    • A man throws a dollar coin into a wishing well...

      and a genie pops out. The genie tells him "You have thrown the largest money value into this well since it has been built. You may have one wish." "I want a dragon." "Are you sure? That's... pretty big, and would probably give me away. Anything else?" "I want to learn how to fold a fitted sheet." "...what color dragon do you want?"

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      • Genie
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    • When life starts

      A Priest, a Muslim and a Rabbi are having a discussion. They are trying to determine the exact point when life starts. The Muslim argues that life starts at conception. The Priest disagrees and says that life starts at birth. The Rabbi turns to the two men and says, you are both wrong. When the dog dies and the kids move out, that is when life begins.

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      • Rabbi
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    • Tom Jones Syndrome

      A woman goes to a doctor's office to get results back from a test she took a few weeks ago. The doctor sits her down and tells her "You have TJS, Tom Jones Syndrome." The woman, scared, asks "Is it rare?" and the doctor replies "It's not unusual"

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      • Doctor
      • Tom Jones
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    • A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!" After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?" "No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"

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      • Little Johnny
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    • A dad joke with which we can all sympathize

      The father of five children had won a toy at a raffle. He called his kids together to ask which one should get the present. "Who is the most obedient?" he asked. "Who never talks back to mother? Who does everything she says?" Five small voices answered in union, "Okay, dad. You get the toy."

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      • Children
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    • A man orders a pizza.

      The waiter asks him, "Do you want your pizza cut in six or eight pieces?"

      The man replies, "Six, I don't think I can eat eight"

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      • Pizza
      • Restaurant
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    • Two cannibals are settling down to have a meal...

      .... They agree that it is best if each of them start at one end of the corpse. After a few minutes, the one who started at the head asks "how's it going down there?" The other replies: "oh, I'm having a ball over here..." The first yells: "Oi, slow down, you're eating too fast!"

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      • Cannibal
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    • A knight and his men return to their castle...

      ...after a long hard day of fighting. "How are we faring?" asks the king. "Sire," replies the knight, "I have been robbing and pillaging on your behalf all day, burning the towns of your enemies in the west." "What?!" shrieks the king. "I don't have any enemies to the west!" "Oh," says the knight. "Well, you do now."

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      • Fighting
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    • A woman was shopping for her daughters birthday.

      She asked the sales girl the price of some Barbie dolls. "This Barbie is $16.99," the girl said. "If you want something a little nicer, Malibu Barbie is $24.99. Or you can get Divorce Barbie for $169.99." "Why is Divorce Barbie so expensive" the mother asked. "Well," the sales girl said "Divorce Barbie comes with Ken's house and car."

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      • Daughter
      • Shopping
      • Barbie
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    • James Bond hits upon hard times and finds himself facing a job seeker interview, "Well Mr Bond we have two positions we can offer you, one is giving lectures to children on the benefits of a career in military intelligence, and the other is in the fabric staining department of a yarn mill. " "Do you expect me to talk? " "No, Mr Bond, I expect you to dye. "

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      • Children
      • Military
      • James Bond
      • Intelligence
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    • A Blonde Takes a Test

      The professor notices a blonde student flipping a coin as she answers the True/False questions. She finishes long before everyone else, and starts flipping the coin again, sometimes changing her answers. When she brings her test to the front, the professor asks, "Why were you flipping that coin?" She responds, "I was checking my answers."

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      • Blonde
      • Professor
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    • Mother: "Come on, Victor, you have to get out of bed or you'll be late for school."

      Victor: "Do I have to? All the teachers hate me, and all the students hate me, too."

      Mother: "Yes, you do."

      Victor: "Give me one good reason."

      Mother: "Because you're 34 years old, and you're the principal."

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      • Principal
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    • Physicist, Engineer and Statistician are out bow-hunting.

      They see a stag about a hundred feet away. The Physicist takes a shot, but he forgets to allow for wind resistance and the arrow falls five feet short. The Engineer takes his shot, but he adds too much of a fudge factor and the arrow's five feet too far. The statistician goes "Nice job guys, we got him!"

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      • Physics
      • Engineer
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    • A woman goes to the doctor with a raspberry in her left nostril, a string bean in her right, a carrot in her right ear and a banana in her left. The woman says "Doctor, I don't fell so well." And the doctor replied "Well for one thing, you're *definitely* not eating correctly."

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      • Doctor
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    • A guy walks into a dentist's office and says, "I think I'm a moth."

      The dentist replies "You shouldn't be here. You should be seeing a psychiatrist..."

      The guys replies, "I am seeing a psychiatrist."

      The dentist says, "Well then what are you doing here?"

      And the guy says, "Your light was on."

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      • Dentist
      • Psychiatry
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    • A blonde and a brunette are on opposite sides of a river...

      The brunette yells across, "Help me get to the other side of the river!" The blonde yells back, "You *are* on the other side of the river!"

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      • Blonde
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    • The best jokes also teach you something.

      In 1954 John Stapp broke a huge record. Using a rocket powered sled that was going 632 mph, he came to a full stop in just over 1 second. He experienced 46.2 G's making his 168 pound body feel for an instant like it was 7,700 pounds and he STILL only felt half as fat as yo mamma.

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      • Mother
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    • A man walks into a bar. By the way, I'm the guy who accidentally knocked over Usain Bolt.

      Sorry, I'm not good with segways.

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      • Bar
      • Usain Bolt
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    • A woman says to her engineer husband...

      "Could you please go to the store for me and buy a carton of milk. And if they have eggs, get six." A short time later the husband comes back with six cartons of milk. The wife asks, "Why the heck did you buy six cartons of milk?" "They had eggs."

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      • Engineer
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    • A blonde and a brunette are discussing the previous night out...

      The brunette says, "Last night I slept with a Brazilian." "Oh my god!" the blonde replies. "How many is THAT?"

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      • Blonde
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    • A blonde goes into a library.

      She walks up to the head librarian's desk and says, "Hi! I'd like a cheeseburger, a small order of curly fries, and a medium-sized Coke, please." The librarian stares at her. "Miss, do you realize that this is a library?" "Oh!" says the blonde. She lowers her voice to a whisper. "*I'd like a cheeseburger, a small order of curly fries...*"

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      • Blonde
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    • How to get free internet @ home

      I live in an apartment complex so I have neighbors left to right and below me. One day I asked my neighbor if he was interested in splitting the cost of my wifi 50/50 so he could also use it. He agreed. I went on to my other neighbor downstairs and asked him the same thing. Now both my neighbors are paying for my wifi.

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      • Internet
      • Neighbor
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    • Osama Bin Laden sends George W. Bush a coded message to let him know he is still alive:- "370H SSV 0773H." Bush is baffled. Condi Rice and her aides and even the FBI and CIA can't decipher it. So they ask Britain's MI6 for help. Within a minute MI6 replies:- "Er, tell the President he's holding the message upside down."

      Tags:
      • CIA
      • President
      • George W. Bush
      • Osama Bin Laden
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    • A cute one I heard from a friend at work.

      Three animals walk into a bar; A duck,a skunk and a deer. They go up to the bar and order 3 drinks. "5 dollars" Says the bartender. The deer looks at the duck and says "I don't have a buck to my name!" the skunk cries "I have no money, not even a scent!" but the duck says to the bartender "It's alright, just put it on my bill".

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      • Bar
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    • A man walks into a barbershop...

      ...and says, "I want you to cut my hair longer on the left side and shorter on the right side. Make it uneven along the back, jagged in the front, and take out a big chunk right near the top." The barber says, "I'm sorry, sir, but I can't do that." The man replies, "Why not? It's what you did last time."

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      • Bar
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    • Interesting accents!

      3 hefty women walk into a restaurant, and sit down at a table. The server comes to take their drink orders. When they're done ordering he says, "What an interesting accent! Are you broads from Scotland?" One woman looks at him with surprise and disgust and says, "WALES!" The bartender says, "Okay, fine. Are you whales from Scotland?"

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      • Bar
      • Restaurant
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    • So my friend had some issue with his hearing....

      My friend was having some issues with his hearing, so he booked a doctor's appointment. The doctor checked him over and had a look in his ears. The doctor said "okay. So, describe the symptoms". My friend said "well, there's homer. He's the dad. And there's Marge, she's got big blue hair..."

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      • Doctor
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    • At the 3rd grade violin rehearsal ...

      ... Donnie Corleone Jr. walks in, opens his violin case and unveils, to the shock of all, a tommy gun. The teachers are livid, panic nearly ensues, but Donnie just starts laughing uncontrollably. "What's wrong with you? This is serious! Why are you laughing?" "Because I just imagined dad holding up the bank with my violin."

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      • Violin
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    • The police seem to be making up the law as they go along

      I got into a fight with a white man last month, the police intervened and I was charged with assault. Last night I beat up a black guy, they intervened again and they charged me with impersonating a police officer.

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      • Police
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    • she can't open windows.

      On a cold winter morning, while her husband is away on business, a wife has a problem at home and sends a text message to her husband: "Windows frozen, it won't open" Husband texts back: "Pour boiling water over it inside and outside" Five minutes later, wife texts back. "Computer's really screwed up now..."

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      • Business
      • Computer
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    • So there were two larger girls at the bar...

      I went to the bar and overheard two heavy girls talking with an odd accent. I asked them, 'Are you two ladies from Scotland?' One turned to me and said, 'It's Wales, you idiot!' 'Oh, I'm sorry. Are you two whales from Scotland?'

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      • Bar
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    • A blonde walks into a dry cleaners

      and says 'good morning' to the elderly attendant and hands him a blouse. The man didn't hear too well and asked, "Come again"? The blonde turned red and giggled. "No, just mayonnaise this time."

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      • Blonde
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    • Little Johnny asked god a question.

      Johnny: Is it true that a billion years for us is just a second for you? God: Why, yes it's absolutely true! Johnny: Is it also true that a billion dollars for us is just a penny for you? God: You're absolutely right! Johnny: Well in that case, may I have a penny? God: Absolutely! Just give me a second.

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      • Little Johnny
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    • A bear climbs a tree....

      a bird sitting in the tree asks "Hey, Bear, why are you up in this tree?" the bear says "I came up here to eat apples." the bird says "But Bear, this isn't an apple tree. there are no apples up here." the bear says "That's ok, I brought my own."

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      • Bird
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    • I'm Friends with a Really Poor Guy

      He's been down on his luck lately, so he told me that he had to become a male prostitute to make ends meet. One day, he walked up to me and said that he made a really good amount of money the night before. Me: How much did you make? Him: I made $250.05. Me: Who on Earth gave you 5 cents? Him: Everyone.

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      • Prostitution
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    • A guy walks into a bar and orders finest scotch. Bartender: (giving him the drink) that would be $2 Sir. Guy: woah, this is cheap. You are good people. I want to thank your manager. Where is he? Bartender: in the hotel room Sir, with my wife. Guy: What's he doing with your wife? Bartender: The same thing I'm doing with his business.

      Tags:
      • Bar
      • Business
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    • A man walks into a bar...

      He sees a sign that reads, "cheese sandwich: $1.50, chicken sandwich: $2.50, hand job: $10." The man beckons to the sexy waitress and says, "are you the one who does the hand jobs?" "Yes," she purrs, "I am." "Well wash your freaking hands," the man says, "I want a cheese sandwich!"

      Tags:
      • Bar
      • Chicken
      • Waitress
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    • 2 nuns take a shortcut

      2 nuns are riding bicycles through the Vatican and they decide to take a shortcut down a cobblestone street. The first nun says to the second, "I've never come this way before." The second nun replies to the first, "Nor have I. It must be the cobblestones."

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      • Nun
      • Bicycle
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    • A black hole and a nebula go out to lunch...

      A black hole and a nebula are at a restaurant. The nebula orders a ginormous amount of food and the black hole only orders a drink and a small appetizer. The nebula says the the black hole, "Are you sure you don't want more?" The black hole replies, "Nah, I eat light"

      Tags:
      • Bar
      • Restaurant
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    • Black guy and a white girl hook up.

      A black guy and a white girl meet at a bar and go back to her house. They start fooling around and he begins taking his pants off. She stops him and says "is it true what they say about black guys"? He says " yes. Yes it is" then stabs her and takes her purse.

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      • Bar
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    • A kangaroo walks into a bar and orders a beer. He pays with a twenty and the bartender figures, "What does a kangaroo know about money?" gives him a single in change. Then his curiosity gets the better of him. "You know," he says to the kangaroo, "we don't get a lot of kangaroos in this place." The kangaroo replies sourly, "Yeah, and at $19 for a beer, you won't be getting many more."

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      • Bar
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    • A redneck boy runs into his house and proclaims, "I've found the girl that I'm gonna marry! And she's a virgin!" Incensed, his father pounds his fist on the table. "There's no way you'll marry that girl! If she ain't good enough for her own family, she ain't good enough for ours."

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      • Redneck
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    • Two men are sitting in a bar, talking to each other.

      One asks the other if he ever looks his wife in the eyes while making love.

      "I did once" the other responds, "But I saw a lot of anger in her eyes".

      The first, looking confused: "Why was that?"

      "Because she was looking from outside through the window!"

      Tags:
      • Bar
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    • A blonde woman was trying to do a Jigsaw Puzzle

      She got very frustrated that she struggling so she decided to ask her husband for help. She said "Can you help me finish this puzzle, It's supposed to be a Bird" Her husband replied "Put the Froot Loops back in the Cupboard"

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      • Blonde
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    • An American walks into a swiss bank with two large bags

      He walks up to a teller and says quietly "I have 2 million dollars in cash that I need to deposit into a swiss bank account now" The teller replies "Sir, there's no need to whisper, poverty is nothing to be ashamed of in Switzerland."

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      • America
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    • The CEO of Budweiser, Miller and Carlsberg walks into a bar.

      The CEO of Budweiser walks up to the bar and orders a Budweiser, after which the CEO of Miller orders a Miller. Then the CEO of Carlsberg says to the bartender: "I'll have a glass of water." The others looks baffled and asks him: "Why didn't you order a Carlsberg?". He replies: "Well, since you're not having beer..."

      Tags:
      • Bar
      • Budweiser
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    • A Woman Shoots Her Husband For Stepping On The Clean Floor...

      A police officer jumps into his squad car and calls the station. "I have an interesting case here," he says. "A woman shot her husband for stepping on the floor she just mopped." "Have you arrested her?" asks the sergeant. "No, not yet. The floor's still wet."

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      • Police
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    • John Snow was at a bar outside the great wall drinking. A beautiful girl comes inside and her eyes meet his. She likes him, so she goes and introduce herself. -Hello, handsome. My name is Jenny Spring. What's yours? John laughs and continues with his drink. -Why is this funny? John responds, -Nothing. I just imagine how rare it would be to have 7 inches of Snow in spring...

      Tags:
      • Bar
      • Drinking
      • John Snow
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    • A man was rushed to the ER with six toy horses up his ass

      The doctors described his condition as stable.

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      • Horse
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    • A man accidentally rear-ended a car

      The driver whom was rear-ended steps out of the car and, to the mans surprise, was a dwarf. He walks to the man and says "I am NOT happy." The man responds: "Then which one are you?"

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    • A teacher said to her class, "Suppose you were all millionaires, write what you would do"...

      Everyone immediately began to write furiously, except little Johnny, who kicked back and put his feet on the table. The teacher walked over to him. "Why aren't you writing Johnny?" she asked. Johnny looked up. "I'm waiting for my secretary."

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      • Secretary
      • Little Johnny
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    • A guy calls 911 and says: "I hit a pig on the side of the highway, what do I do?"

      The operator replies: "If it's still alive, put it out of its misery." The operator hears a gunshot and then the man comes back on the phone. "Done, now what do I do with his motorcycle?"

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      • Motorcycle
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    • A girl realised that she had grown hair between her legs.

      She got worried and asked her mom about that hair. Her mom calmly said, "That part where the hair has grown is called Monkey, be proud that your monkey has grown hair." .... the girl smiled. At dinner, she told her sister, "My monkey has grown hair." Her sister smiled and said, "That's nothing, mine is already eating bananas."

      Tags:
      • Monkey
      • Daughter
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    • A man sees a blonde across the river.

      Man: How do I get to the other side? Blonde: You are on the other side.

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      • Blonde
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    • Two men sit down at a restaurant.

      A waitress comes to their table and takes their drink order. When she returns a few minutes later with their beverages, she finds them both eating sandwiches out of paper bags. "Hey!" she says, "you can't eat your own food here!" So they trade sandwiches.

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      • Waitress
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    • Ranji is a 9yr old boy living in Namibia.

      Can you spare just $2.00? Ranji is a 9yr old boy living in Namibia. He has only 1 leg, 1 arm and 1 eye. Each day he has to ride 7 miles to school along a narrow road on a rusty bike with bent wheels, no brakes and only 1 pedal. If you send us just $2, we will send you the video - its hilarious.

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      • Bicycle
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    • A blonde is walking along the shoreline of a lake in Minnesota looking for seashells when she spots another blonde across the lake from her. Eager for company she shouts loudly "How do I get to the other side?"

      The other blonde shouts back "You're on the other side!"

      Tags:
      • Blonde
      • Fishing
      • Minnesota
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    • Mrs Cameron, a primary teacher, was teaching her class about the difference between right and wrong.

      "All right children, let's take an example," Mrs Cameron said. "If I were to get into a man's pocket and take his wallet with all his money, what would I be?"

      Little Johnny raises his hand, and with a confident smile says, "You'd be his wife."

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      • Wife
      • Children
      • Little Johnny
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    • Where's your bin?

      A man sees that his neighbor doesn't have his wheeled trash bin. "Hey bub, where's ya bin'" "I took a little vacation for a few weeks," "No. I meant where's your bin?" "Told ya, vacation, at the beach!" "No man. Where's ya wheely bin?" "Ok, fine! I've wheely been to jail! Happy now?"

      Tags:
      • Vacation
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    • So, Jesus and Satan are sitting on a park bench one day

      ...just chilling, and Satan asks, "Hey JC, what's it called when little chunks of ice fall from the sky? It's not like I get to see it very often." Jesus says, "Hail, Satan." And Satan's all like, "YEEEEEAH, BOI!" And Jesus is all like, "Oh, you."

      Tags:
      • Hell
      • Satan
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    • A blonde is pulled over by a police officer...

      "May I see your License Ma'am?" "You know you cops really need to get your act together... One day your buddy takes my license away, and the next you ask for it"

      Tags:
      • Blonde
      • Police
      • Driving
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    • Martial arts

      The Israelis developed Krav Maga - the art of disabling an opponent as quickly as possible. The Japanese developed Jujitsu - the art of defeating an armed and armored opponent. The Brazilians developed Capoeira - the art of defeating an opponent using dance and acrobatics. The French developed parkour - the art of running away as quickly and efficiently as possible.

      Tags:
      • Japan
      • Martial Arts
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    • Three priests walk into a bar

      and see a man who's already had a few drinks. The man walks up to them and says "you know I'm jesus christ". One of the priests replies "I don't think you are son" so the man says right, I'll prove it to you. He walks out of the bar and a few seconds later comes stumbling back in. The barman sees him and shout "jesus christ not you again"

      Tags:
      • Bar
      • Priest
      • Jesus
      • Little Johnny
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    • A man opens the door for his mother in Law

      And declares, "Oh, long time, no see! This is a surprise. How long will you be staying with us, this time, then?" The mother in Law, trying to be polite, jokingly replies with a big grin, "Until you get sick of me." "Oh, really? You won't even stay for a cup of coffee?"

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      • Mother In Law
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    • A man walks into a bar, and is torn apart in seconds.

      Whoops, sorry. Bear

      Tags:
      • Bar
      00
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    • Judgement day

      Peter is on trial. He's on trial because he shot his wife when he caught her in bed with another guy. The judge wants to know; "why did you shoot your wife?". "Well, " Peter replies, "it seemed easier to shoot her once, than to shoot a different guy every week".

      Tags:
      • Lawyer
      • St. Peter
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    • Blonds in the woods

      There were three blondes walking through the woods, when they come across some tracks. "These are bear tracks" said the first blond, "No, these are deer tracks" sais the second, "You two are both wrong, these are wolf tracks" said the third, They were all still arguing when the train hit them.

      Tags:
      • Sleep
      • Train
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    • There was a knock at my door.

      I said, "Who is it?" and they told me that it was the police. I asked them what they wanted and they said that they wanted to investigate my property for marijuana. I said, "I haven't got any. Now be on your way." "Well then," they said, "what harm is there in us checking?" I said, "Because you might find the cocaine."

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      • Police
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    • A doctor answers his phone and hears the familiar voice of...

      ...a colleague on the other end of the line. "We need a fourth for poker," said the friend. "I'll be right over," whispered the doctor. As he was putting on his coat, his wife asked, "Is it serious?" "Oh yes, very serious," said the doctor gravely. "There are three doctors there already."

      Tags:
      • Doctor
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    • A little boy was in a bus eating a chocolate, then he took another one and then another ... A man next to him said, "Do you know that too much of it will damage your teeth??" The boy replied, "My grandfather lived for 105 years" The man asked , "Was it because of eating chocolate?" The boy replied, No, he was always minding his own business

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      • Business
      • Chocolate
      • Grandfather
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    • A husband asks his wife...

      Husband: Darling, if I lost my vision would you be my eyes? Wife: Honey, of course I would. Husband: If I lost my hearing would you be my ears? Wife: Absolutely sweetheart. Husband: If I lost my legs would you push me around in a wheelchair? Wife: You don't need to ask. Why all the questions? Husband: I just sprained my wrist...

      Tags:
      • Sweetheart
      • Wheelchair
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    • A drunken man staggers into a Catholic Church and sits down in a confession box and says nothing. The bewildered priest coughs to attract his attention, but still the man says nothing. The priest then knocks on the wall three times in a final attempt to get the man to speak, and finally the drunk replies: "No use knockin' mate - there's no paper in this one either!!"

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      • Catholic
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    • A man with a gun walks in to a bar...

      He unholsters the weapon and waves it in the air, shouting, "I have a 45 caliber Colt 1911 with 7 rounds in the magazine and one in the chamber, and I want to know who's been sleeping with my wife!" A voice from the back shouts, "you're gonna need more ammo!"

      Tags:
      • Sleep
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    • A programmer goes shopping

      A room mate asked his friend who is a programmer to go shopping. "hey, can you buy a bottle of milk? Oh and if they have eggs, buy 12" So the programmer went shopping. When he got back, he bought 12 bottle of milk and his room mate asked "why the heck did you bought 12 bottle of milk?!" The programmer responded. "they have eggs"

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      • Shopping
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    • A man take his dog to the vet, and then...

      A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and asks, "my dog's cross-eyed... is there anything you can do for him?" "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him" So, he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then teeth. Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down." "Why? Because he's cross-eyed?" "No, because he's really heavy."

      Tags:
      • Dog
      • Veterinarian
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    • A blonde goes to work in tears.

      A blonde goes to work in tears. Her boss asks, "What's wrong?" She says, "My mom died." He told her to go home, but she said, "No, I'll be fine." Later that day, her boss finds her crying again. He says, "What's wrong?" She replies, "I just talked to my sister, and her mom died, too!"

      Tags:
      • Blonde
      • Daughter
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    • The captain and the prostitute

      A captain of the army goes to a prostitute and asks her : "Say, madam, for a hundred dollars, would you accept my company ?" And the prostitute answers : "Of course, a handsome military like you" The captains thanks her, turns around and shout : "Company, FORWARD !" (I hope the joke translates well)

      Tags:
      • Army
      • Military
      • Prostitution
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    • So to celebrate the Halloween season...

      ... I was going to go to a 200 year old building that was apparently set up with shriveled up old corpses, dangerous bandits, bloodsucking vampires, hellbent soulless demons, and the like. But it turns out the Capitol Building is closed for tours until a budget resolution is reached.

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      • Halloween
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    • A black guy was pulled over in his Mercedes by the police. It was found that it was his, it was taxed and insured...

      He had no drugs on him and no weapons were found in the car. The car was NOT linked to any drive by shootings or any drive off petrol thefts. In the end they arrested him for "wasting police time".

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      • Police
      • Mercedes
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    • A girl walks into a supermarket. She picks up a banana, a can of soup, and a loaf of bread. She then walks up to the cash register to pay. The cashier looks at her and the items she has and says, "I can tell you're single." She smiles and responds, "How do you know that?" He says, "Because you're ugly."

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      • Supermarket
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    • My Girlfriend's Got A Puncture

      My new girlfriend's car got a flat tyre as we were on our way to see my parents, so I called them up and said, "Sorry Mum, I'm going to be late, my girlfriend's got a puncture." "Oh John!" she sighed. "I thought you had a real one this time."

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      • Girlfriend
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    • Two Blondes are out on a hike....

      ....when one looks down and sees some tracks. "Hey look, deer tracks!" she exclaims. The other blonde looks over and says, "Those aren't deer tracks! Those are rabbit tracks!" After about 10 minutes of bickering about what type of tracks they are, they get hit by a train.

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      • Blonde
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    • Blondes At The Bus Stop.

      Two blondes are waiting at a bus stop. A bus pulls up and opens the door. One of the blondes leans inside, asking the driver - "will this bus take me to 5th Avenue?" The bus driver shakes his head, "no, I'm sorry, it won't" he says. The other blonde leans inside and asks, "how about me?"

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      • Blonde
      • Bus Driver
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    • 10 shots of whiskey please!

      A man walks into a bar and orders 10 shots of whiskey. The bartender pours them and the guy starts downing them. By the 5th one the bartender asks, "Why are you drinking so fast?" The guy says, "You'd drink this fast if you had what I have." The bartender says, "What do you have?" The guy says, "No money."

      Tags:
      • Bar
      • Drinking
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    • A man goes to see his rabbi...

      ... "rabbi, I am very troubled. My son, he went off traveling the world, and came back a Christian!" The rabbi replies, "you know, it's so strange you say that. My son also left home, and came back a Christian!" The two decide to pray to God about this, and God replies, "you know, it's so strange you say that..."

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      • Rabbi
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    • A visitor to Harvard asks a professor, "Excuse me, but would you be good enough to tell me where the Harvard Library is at?" "Sir," came the sneering reply, "at Harvard we do not end a sentence with a preposition." "Well, in that case, forgive me," said the visitor. "Permit me to rephrase my question. Would you be good enough to tell me where the Harvard Library is at, jackass?"

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      • Professor
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    • A farmer saw a plane full of politicians crash near his farm. When the police arrived, they asked the farmer what happened. Farmer: They crashed near my farm and I buried all of them. One of the police men asked with shock; "are you sure they were all dead"? Farmer: Some of them were screaming, "we are still alive". But I couldn't believe them. You know, these politicians. They can lie.

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      • Farmer
      • Police
      • Politics
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    • Catholic girl goes into confessional

      Catholic girl goes into the confessional and says to the priest, "I think I am pregnant." He asks, "How did this happen my child?" "I think it must be the second coming," she replies. The priest shocked by this statement asks, "What makes you think it is the second coming?" She replies, "Because I swallowed the first."

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      • Priest
      • Catholic
      • Confession
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    • A teacher was giving a math lesson and she asked one of her students, "If you had two dollars, and you asked your father for another, how many dollars would you have?" The student replied, "Two dollars." "Not quite," the teach responded. "Sounds like you don't know your addition." "No," the student said, "you just don't know my father."

      Tags:
      • Little Johnny
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    • The teacher asked the class to stand

      ...one by one and compose a simple sentence using appropriate be verbs. "She is beautiful", said Kate. "My dogs are fat", shouted Mark. "I is...", stuttered Joe when the teacher interrupted. "You always say 'I am'. Never say 'I is'", said she. As fast as he could, Joe uttered, "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."

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      • Alphabet
      • Little Johnny
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    • A man stumbles upon a Genie and is granted 3 wishes.

      Genie: What is your first wish? Joe: I want to be rich. Genie: Granted. What is your second wish? Rich: I want lots of money.

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      • Wish
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    • A man holding a large block of asphalt walks into a bar.

      He says to the bartender, "A beer for me, and one for the road."

      Tags:
      • Bar
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    • A blonde is putting together a puzzle. She is very frustrated and asks her husband for help.

      "It's supposed to be a tiger!" she cries.

      "Honey," says her husband wearily, "Put the Frosted Flakes back in the box."

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      • Blonde
      • Breakfast
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    • A joke from my dad: A man goes to a lawyer to ask a few legal questions...

      The man says to the lawyer "How much would it cost to ask you a few questions?" The lawyer says "I charge $400 for three questions." "That's a bit expensive isn't it?" "Yep. What's your third question?"

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      • Lawyer
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    • A man goes to his Rabbi

      "Rabbi, I think my wife is trying to poison me!" "Very interesting," says the Rabbi. "Let me go and talk to her and see what I can find out." A few hours later the Rabbi calls the man up. "I've spent several hours speaking with your wife," he says. "What should I do?" the man asked. "Take the poison."

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      • Rabbi
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    • A duck walks into a bar...

      Duck: Got any bread? Barman: No mate, this is a bar Duck: Got any bread ? Barman: No I've told you, we don't have bread here! Duck: Got any bread? Barman: Look, if you ask me that again I'm going to nail your beak to the bar. Duck: Got any nails? Barman: No. Duck: Got any bread?

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      • Bar
      • Duck
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    • God said to Adam "I'm going to make you a woman"

      God: "She's going to clean for you, cook anything you want whenever you want it, always look beautiful, never be bad tempered, give you children, always obedient, and she'll never argue with you." Adam: "That sounds great, but what'll it cost me?" God: "Oh, an arm and a leg." Adam: "That's a bit steep. What can I get for a rib?"

      Tags:
      • Children
      • Christmas
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    • How I learned to mind my own business:

      I was walking past the mental hospital the other day, and all the patients were yelling "13...13...13..." The fence was too high for me to see over but I saw a little gap in the planks, so I looked through to see what was going on. Someone poked me in the eye with a stick and then they all started shouting "14... 14... 14..."!

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      • Hospital
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    • "Am I mentioned in the will?" the nephew asked anxiously.

      "You certainly are" , replied the lawyer. Right here in the third paragraph your uncle says: To my niece Sarah I bequeath a hundred thousand dollars, to my cousin Janice fifty thousand dollars, and to my nephew Charles, who was always curious to know if he was mentioned in my will, I say "Hi, Charles"

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      • Lawyer
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    • A man stumbles into his house early in the morning...

      after a night of partying and heavy drinking, just as the sun is coming up. His wife is waiting for him at the kitchen table, glaring at him. "Is there a reason you're coming home at 6 in the morning with alcohol on your breath, lipstick on your collar?" She shouts at him. "Yes there is," he replies. "I would like some breakfast"

      Tags:
      • Drinking
      • Lipstick
      • Breakfast
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    • Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him ...(Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good)... A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

      Tags:
      • Mother
      • Mahatma Gandhi
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    • A Scotsman, an Englishman and an Indian man were waiting outside the delivery room.

      The matron comes out and explains that the hospital has accidentally mixed up the babies. The Scot goes straight in and picks up the brown baby. The Indian says "Are you sure that's your baby?" The Scot says "No, but there's no way I'm going to risk leaving here with an English baby."

      Tags:
      • Hospital
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    • A woman walks into a bar with her pet newt on her shoulder. She sits down on a stool and orders a beer. The barman looks at the woman and her newt and asks her, "What's his name?" "Tiny." The woman replies. "Why tiny?" The barman inquires. "Because he's my newt."

      Tags:
      • Bar
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    • A mugger

      Late one night, a mugger wearing a ski mask jumped into the path of a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs. "Give me your money," he demanded. Indignant, the affluent man replied, "You can't do this, I'm a United States Congressman!" "In that case," replied the mugger, "give me MY money."

      Tags:
      • Congress
      • United States
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    • A Mother, her daughter, and a bowl of olives...

      The mother takes an olive, puts it in her mouth, goes, "mmmmm...", the daughter tries one for the first time, goes "ewww...", mother eats another, again, goes "mmmm...", her daughter tries yet another, then begins to cry. Her mother asks, "why are you crying", her daughter says "you're getting all the good ones"

      Tags:
      • Daughter
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    • A man always smoked two cigarettes at a time

      When people asked him why, he answered: I'm smoking one for myself and one for my brother in jail. One day he was smoking only one, so people gladly asked "is your brother out of jail?" He answered: "no, I quit"

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      • Cigarette
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    • A Chinese guy walks into a bar, and sits next to Jeff, and starts drinking his beer. Jeff asks him : • My friend, do you know any martial arts, kung fu, karate or other stuff? • Why do you ask, is it because I'm Chinese? • No, it's because you are drinking my beer.

      Tags:
      • Bar
      • Kung Fu
      • Drinking
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    • An elderly couple Pauline and Frank were recently attending a church service at their retirement village. About halfway through the service, Pauline took a pen and paper out of her purse, and wrote a note and handed it to Frank. The note said:" I just let out a silent fart, what do you think I should do?" Frank scribbled back: "Put a new battery in your hearing aid."

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      • Old People
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    • A doctor and a lawyer

      During a party, a doctor is telling a lawyer that he is sick of his friends asking him for free medical advice. The lawyer says, "just do what I do, and leave a bill in their mailbox." The doctor decides he'll give that a try and thanks his lawyer friend. When the doctor gets home, he has a bill in his mailbox from the lawyer.

      Tags:
      • Lawyer
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    • "Dad, are they allowed to put two people in the same grave?"

      "I don't think so, son. Why do you ask?"

      "Because that headstone over there says, 'Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.'"

      Tags:
      • Lawyer
      • Cemetery
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    • A man walks into a job interview...

      He sits down on a chair, and the interviewer starts questioning him. "So son, where did you receive your education?" The man replied "Yale". The interviewer, pleasantly surprised, says "Yale? Hard to believe you went to Yale to become a janitor. So what's your name?" The man replied "Yack Yackson".

      Tags:
      • Bar
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    • Yet another redneck finds out his girlfriend is a virgin...

      A redneck finds out his girlfriend is a virgin. Upon hearing this, he stands up, turns away from her, and leaves without a word. Later, when his buddies see him sad at the bar they ask what went wrong, he explains... "My mom just told me I'm adopted"

      Tags:
      • Bar
      • Redneck
      • Adoption
      • Girlfriend
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    • Paddy rings his new girlfriend's door bell, with a big bunch of flowers. She opens the door, sees the flowers, and drags him in. She lies back on the couch, pulls her skirt up, rips her knickers off and says 'This is for the flowers!' 'Don't be silly,' says Paddy, 'You must have a vase somewhere!'

      Tags:
      • Girlfriend
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    • An old man is dying..

      His grandson asks him, "papa.. What will happen to your body when you die?" the grandfather looks up weakly at him and says, "I decay...". Just then his monitor flat lines and the boy sat wondering why his grandfather didn't know what would happen to his corpse.

      Tags:
      • Grandfather
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    • A wife texts her husband

      A wife, being the romantic sort, sent her husband a text: "If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you!" The husband, typically non-romantic, replied: "I am on the toilet. Please advise."

      Tags:
      • Sleep
      • Drinking
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    • A husband sends a text to his wife.

      Honey, I got hit by a car outside of the office. Tina brought me to the hospital. They have been taking tests and doing x-rays. The blow to my head is very strong, may be serious. Also, I have 3 broken ribs, a broken arm, a compound fracture on my left leg and they may have to amputate the right foot. Wife's Response: Who is Tina?

      Tags:
      • Hospital
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    • A man walks into a bar with a gun..

      A guy walked into a local bar, waving his unholstered pistol and yelled, "I have a 45 caliber Colt 1911 with a seven round magazine plus one in the chamber and I want to know who's been sleeping with my wife." A voice from the back of the room called out, "You need more ammo!"

      Tags:
      • Bar
      • Sleep
      00
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    • A guy wakes up from a coma.

      His doctor asks him what he remembers. - All I remember is getting on an elevator with a gorgeous woman and her husband. She had a beautiful cleavage and I couldn't stop staring at it. She then looked at me and told me "Can you please press one?".

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      • Elevator
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    • A college professor asks all of his students to yell out stereotypes for a class project

      For a class project, a college professor asks all of his students to brainstorm and yell out different kinds of stereotypes. "All blonde girls are dumb!" yells a boy in the back. "Sony!" Yells the blonde girl in the front.

      Tags:
      • Professor
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    • President Obama visits the Pentagon to test out the latest in military technology. A scientist says to him "We have two projects that we are very proud of. One is a powered exoskeleton and the other is an invisibility cloak. Which would you like to try first?" Obama replies, "Uh, let me be clear."

      Tags:
      • Military
      • President
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    • A man walks into a bar and orders a shot of whiskey then looks into his pocket. He does this over and over again. Finally, the bartender asks why he orders a shot of whiskey and afterwards look into his pocket. The man responded, "I have a picture of my wife in there and when she starts to look good then I'll go home."

      Tags:
      • Bar
      00
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    • A guy and his girlfriend are talking

      Her: Come over. Him: I'm coming over. Her: We should stop using walkie talkies in bed, over.

      Tags:
      • Girlfriend
      00
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    • I had an idea for a movie plot.

      A retired CIA agent searches for his kidnapped daughter in Paris, but it turns out that idea was taken. I had another idea for one where the same agent is kidnapped with his wife in Istanbul, but it turns out that one was taken too.

      Tags:
      • CIA
      • Daughter
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    • A man asks god...

      Man:"Why did you make women so beautiful?" God:"So you would love her." Man:"Then why did you make her so dumb?" God:"So she would love you."

      Tags:
      • Mother
      00
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    • My attractive female neighbor is completely paranoid.

      She thinks I'm following or even stalking her, she is worried that I may be obsessed with her and any time she hears a noise in her house she is...purified? Oh, wait: petrified. Sorry, it's not easy reading a diary through binoculars from a tree.

      Tags:
      • Neighbor
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    • A man walks into a library and says to the librarian, "do you have that book for men with small penises?"

      The librarian looks on her computer and says, "I don't know if it's in yet." "Yeah that's the one"

      Tags:
      • Computer
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    • A redneck finds out his girlfriend is a virgin. Upon hearing this, he stands up, turns away from her, and leaves without a word. Later, when his buddies at the bar ask what went wrong, he explains... "If she ain't good enough for her daddy, her uncle, her brother, and her cousin, she ain't good enough for me!!"

      Tags:
      • Bar
      • Redneck
      • Girlfriend
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    • A blonde, brunette, and a redhead are all in the 9th Grade. Which one is the sexiest?

      The blonde, because she's the only one who's 18.

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      • Blonde
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    • A 13 year old boy has difficulty with mathematics, failing in public school.

      His parents were not religious but after a friend's suggestion they felt a private Catholic school may be more effective. His grades began to rise dramatically after this switch. Asked what has helped him so much, he responded "When I saw the guy nailed to the plus sign I knew they meant business!"

      Tags:
      • Business
      • Catholic
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    • Osama Bin Laden's son comes home from school crying...

      He asks him: "What's wrong son, what happened?" "The teacher asked the class what the tallest building in New York is, and I got the answer wrong." "Why, what did you answer?" "The Empire State Building." "Don't worry son, daddy will take care of it."

      Tags:
      • New York
      • Little Johnny
      • Osama Bin Laden
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    • "The car won't start," said a wife to her husband.

      "I think there's water in the carburetor." "How do you know?" said the husband scornfully. "You don't even know what the carburetor is." "I'm telling you," repeated the wife, "I 'm sure there's water in the carburetor." "We'll see," mocked the husband. "Let me check it out. Where's the car?" "In the swimming pool."

      Tags:
      • Swimming
      00
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    • A flight attendant sees a suspicious couple on board...

      She decides to report it to the pilot immediately. "Sir, I think we have a case of human trafficking! The female passenger looks pretty frightened and the man she is with looks dangerous!" The pilot responds, "Patricia, I've told you before. This is Air Force One..."

      Tags:
      • Air Force
      00
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    • A Christian, a Jew, and a Hindu walked into a bar - guess what happened then?

      Well, two of them were alcoholics so they wisely changed their minds and left, then the other one got bored so he left too.

      Tags:
      • Bar
      00
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    • A Priest, a Rabbi, and a Methodist minister were playing golf.

      The Priest won by one stroke.

      Tags:
      • Golf
      • Rabbi
      • Priest
      • Priest
      00
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    • A gorilla walks into the DMV to apply for a drivers license.

      Turns out it was just some guy in a gorilla suit doing a prank. Everybody instantly realized this at the time since gorillas aren't indigenous to the local area. They guy responsible was charged with a small fine for public mischief.

      Tags:
      • Driver's License
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    • Three men went into a bar: one was blind, another deaf and the third was mute.

      The blind guy said "Did you SEE that?"

      The deaf guy said "WHAT?"

      And the mute said "...."

      Tags:
      • Bar
      • Deafness
      • Blindness
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    • Three bears walk into a market.

      A little girl sneaks into their house.

      Meanwhile, people are freaking out because there are THREE BEARS in the market.

      Tags:
      • Bar
      • Bear
      00
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    • A horse walks into a bar.

      The bar tender says, "Why the long face?"

      The horse says, "I have cancer."

      Tags:
      • Bar
      • Horse
      00
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    • What's worse than tripping over a tree root?

      The destruction of the ancient city of Pompeii in A.D. 79.

      Though tripping over a tree root may hurt and result in the victim bleeding profusely, we live in the 21st century and at any time can call a doctor using a cellular device called a phone.

      In A.D. 79, no technology in this category existed. People were overpowered by the rage of a mountain that they believed was a sign of the wrath of the heavens. People had to flee the city and a majority of them we killed by either inhaling to much smoke or other causes. This continued for over 18 hours.

      Therefore, the destruction of Pompeii is far worse than tripping over a tree root.

      Tags:
      • Blood
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    • Why did the chicken cross the road?

      To get to the other side.

      Why didn't the chicken cross back?

      For the first time in his life, Clucky the chicken, felt liberated. His cruel life flashed before his eyes, forcing him to remember all the bad tines he had spent on the McKinley farm; all the eggs stolen from him; all his friends who'd been taken for slaughter. It all came back. From the other side of the road, Clucky saw a place he never wanted to go back to, a place he wanted to forget. the day he chose not to cross back was the first real day in Clucky's life.

      Tags:
      • Chicken
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    • A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says "Haha, sucker, this is actually a glue factory."

      The horse is brutally slaughtered and his remains are sold for a profit as part of a glue product

      Tags:
      • Bar
      • Horse
      00
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    • A guy walks into a bar, sits down, and gives a heavy sigh.

      The bartender asks, "What's wrong?"

      The guy says, "Nothing."

      Tags:
      • Bar
      00
      Permalink
    • Justin Bieber walks into a Gay-Bar.

      He is then kindly escorted out because he is underage.

      Also, because the patrons gave him certain looks that brought concern to the heterosexual bartender.

      Tags:
      • Bar
      • Justin Bieber
      00
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    • A catholic priest gets a nun pregnant.

      He drowns the baby several months later.

      Tags:
      • Nun
      • Catholic
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    • Once upon a time there was a very lonely man. He was kind, strong, handsome, smart, and basically everything that was good and that a girl wanted.

      Well, one day, through all his immense loneliness, he decided that it was time that he got into a relationship. Knowing that he deserved a competent and pure woman, he went to a local church to search for his perfect match.

      That night, he took home with him the most beautiful and purest of all the women in the church, brought her to his room, and whipped out his junk on her face.

      Tags:
      • Relationship
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    • A horse walks into a bar.

      The barman immediately calls the local stable to report the missing stallion, and his owner promptly arrives to take him home.

      He thanks the landlord and offers a small reward, but it is respectfully declined.

      Tags:
      • Bar
      • Horse
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    • So a bear walks into a bar.

      Everyone in there goes hysterical with the fright.

      Two people are killed by it.

      Tags:
      • Bar
      • Bear
      00
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    • A bear woke up from his annual hibernation to find that his stomach is growling.

      "I sure am hungry." the sleepy bear said. So he found some berries, but spit them out.

      "These berries are far too bitter." the playful bear said.

      He then found some honey, however was soon bombarded with a swarm of bees.


      "That honey is good, but not that good." the jolly bear said.

      He then stumbled upon a cabin.

      "I wonder if there is any food in here..." the curious bear wondered.

      The events that followed are now referred to by the locals as the May 20th Massacre. While no witnesses survived, the police reports depict that the Martinez family, a young family of 7 enjoying their Memorial Day weekend in their New Hampshire cabin, were brutally slain by a blood-thirsty animal who tracked each of them throughout the house in a period of approximately 45 minutes.

      Tags:
      • Police
      • New Hampshire
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    • Man walks into a bar and pauses: at the other end of the bar, there's this guy with a big orange head. Just kind of sitting there, mooning into his drink. So the man asks the bartender, "Say, what's up with the guy with the big orange head?" And the bartender says, "It's an interesting story. Buy him a drink and maybe he'll tell it to you."

      So the man walks over and introduces himself and offers to buy a round. The guy with the big orange head says, "Yeah, I'll bet you want to know the story, huh?" To which the man replies, "Sure, if you don't mind."

      The man with the big orange head sighs and says, "You know, I've gone over it in my mind a million times. Basically, it's like this: I was walking along the beach one day, when I stubbed my toe on something. I looked down, and there was an antique brass lamp. I picked it up and dusted it off a little - when all of a sudden this enormous genie pops out!

      The genie thundered, 'You have released me from my ten-thousand year imprisonment, and I am in your debt. I will grant you three wishes as a token of my gratitude.'"

      The man at the bar is agape. The guy with the big orange head continues: "So I said, 'Wow, okay. Well, my first wish is to be fantastically wealthy.'

      The genie says, 'Your wish is granted.' And all of a sudden I have rings on my fingers and a crown on my head, and my wallet is full of money and a dozen ATM cards and the deed to a mansion in the hills - I mean, I was loaded!

      So I said, 'Amazing! Okay, for my next wish , I want to be married to the most beautiful woman in the world.'

      The genie says, 'Your wish is granted.' And the ocean parts, and out walks this gorgeous woman in this beautiful dress, and she takes my hand and we fall in love and the genie marries us right there. It was incredible.

      The genie booms, 'You have one wish remaining.'"

      The man with the big orange head pauses and sips his beer. He says, "Now, you know, this may be where I went wrong. I wished for a big orange head."

      Tags:
      • Bar
      • Genie
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    • A duck walks into a bar.

      Animal control is promptly called and the duck is released in a nearby park.

      Tags:
      • Bar
      • Duck
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    • A man walked into a Florida bar with his alligator and asked the bartender:

      "Do you serve lawyers here?"

      "Sure."

      "Good. One beer for me and a lawyer for my alligator."

      Tags:
      • Bar
      • Lawyer
      • Florida
      • Alligator
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    • One day at the rest home, an old man and woman are talking. Out of nowhere the woman says, "I can guess your age."

      The man doesn't believe her, but tells her to go ahead and try.

      "Pull down your pants," she says.

      He doesn't understand but does it anyway. She inspects his rear end for a few minutes and then says, "You're 84 years old."

      "That's amazing," the man says. "How did you know?"

      "You told me yesterday."

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    • A Briton, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden.

      "Look at their reserve, their calm," muses the Briton "They must be British."

      "Nonsense," the Frenchman disagrees. "They're naked, and so beautiful. Clearly, they are French."

      "No clothes, no shelter," the Russian points out, "they have only an apple to eat, and they're being told this is paradise. They are Russian."

      Tags:
      • France
      • British
      • Russia
      • Paint
      • Paradise
      • France
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    • A young lawyer who had taken over his father's practice rushed home totally elated.

      "Dad, listen, you aren't going to believe this," he said to his father. "I've finally settled that old Whitmore suit."

      "Settled it!" bellowed his father. "You bumbling idiot! We've been living off of that money for over five years now!"

      Tags:
      • Father
      • Idiot
      • Money
      • Lawyer
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    • After a few days, the Lord called to Adam and said, "It is time for you and Eve to begin the process of populating the Earth so I want you to kiss her."

      Adam answered, "Yes Lord, but what is a 'kiss'?" So the Lord gave a brief description to Adam who took Eve by the hand and took her to a nearby bush. A few minutes later, Adam emerged and said, "Thank you Lord, that Was enjoyable."

      And the Lord replied, "Yes Adam, I thought you might enjoy that and now I'd like you to caress Eve." And Adam said, "What is a 'caress'?" So the Lord again gave Adam a brief description and Adam went behind the bush with Eve.

      Quite a few minutes later, Adam returned, smiling, and said, "Lord, that was even better than the kiss." And the Lord said, "You've done well, Adam. And now I want you to make love to Eve." And Adam asked, "What is 'make love' Lord?"' So the Lord again gave Adam directions and Adam went again to Eve behind the bush, but this time he reappeared in two seconds.

      And Adam said, "Lord, what is a 'headache'?"

      Tags:
      • Directions
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    • During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director: "How do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized."

      "Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

      "Oh, I understand," said the visitor "a normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

      "No." said the Director, "a normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"

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    • Two old geezers were getting married in a nursing home. The minister was going through the ceremony and said, "If there is anyone present who knows why these two must not be wed, speak now or forever hold your pee..."

      Tags:
      • Priest
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    • A man went to the doctor.

      The doctor examined him and said: "I'm sorry to have to tell you this - but you only have three minutes left to live."

      The man said: "Oh my god! Are you sure there is nothing you can do for me?"

      The doctor thought for a moment then replied: "I could boil you an egg!"

      Tags:
      • Egg
      • Doctor
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    • A fellow was about to enter a bar when a dog tugged at his trouser leg and said to him, "Hey, pal! Wanna make some quick money?"

      The man couldn't believe his ears. He said to the dog, "Can you talk?"

      "Yeah," the dog answered, "and that's how we can pick up some easy money. You take me into the bar with you, pretend I'm your dog, and bet everybody I can talk."

      The fellow thought that was a great idea, so he took the dog into the bar, set it on the bar, and announced to everyone that the dog could talk. The other patrons didn't believe him, and it wasn't long before several thousand dollars had been bet. Finally, after all the bets had been placed, the guy said to the dog, "All right, go ahead and say something."

      Nothing.

      He told the dog again, "Hey! All the bets are placed! Say something, for God's sake!"

      The dog just looked at him and whined.

      He, asked again and again, but the dog wouldn't say a word. Finally, the fellow had to pay all the bets, scooped up the dog in disgust and walked out. Once outside, he screamed at the dog, "You just cost me way over a thousand dollars! You got anything to say before I seriously boot your mangy arse?"

      "Take it easy, pal! You ain't thinkin'," the dog answered. "Tomorrow night, we'll be able to get odds of fives or better."

      Tags:
      • Bar
      • Dog
      • Animal
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    • A 10 year old boy and a 10 year old girl approach the little girls dad one day, "I want to marry your daughter" the boy says. Thinking how cute this is the father asks the little boy "Well where will you live?" The boy replies "we will live here in Suzie's room cuz it's bigger than mine."laughing the father continues,"Well what will you do for money?"the boy replies"Well I get 5 dollars a week and Suzie gets 10 so that's 60 dollars a month between the two of us."The father still thinking how cute this all is asks" Well what if she gets pregnant? How will you take care of a baby?"and the boy says"Well we have been pretty lucky so far!"

      Tags:
      • Daughter
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    • A man goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot. The shop owner points to three identical looking parrots on a perch and says, "the parrot on the left costs 500 dollars". "Why does the parrot cost so much," asks the man. The shop owner says, "well, the parrot knows how to use a computer".

      The man then asks about the next parrot to be told that this one costs 1,000 dollars because it can do everything the other parrot can do plus it knows how to use the UNIX operating system.

      Naturally, the increasingly startled man asks about the third parrot to be told that it costs 2,000 dollars. Needless to say this begs the question, "What can it do?" To which the shop owner replies, "to be honest I have never seen it do a thing, but the other two call him boss!"

      Tags:
      • Boss
      • Linux
      • Animal
      • Dollar
      • Parrot
      • Computer
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    • A man was leaving a cafe when he noticed an unusual funeral.

      A funeral Coffin was followed by a second one. Behind the second coffin was a solitary man walking with a black dog. Behind him was a queue of 200 men walking in single line.

      The man couldn't stand his curiosity. He approached the man walking with the dog. "I am so sorry to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this with so many of you walking in single line. Whose funeral is it?" The man replied, "That first coffin is for my wife." "What happened to her?"

      "My dog attacked and killed her."

      "Well, who is in the second coffin?"

      "My mother in Law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog attacked and killed her also." A thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two men.

      Then the man asks in excitement: "Can I borrow the dog?"

      The man replied: "Join the queue. Everyone is queuing for it."

      Tags:
      • Mother In Law
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    • A businessman enters a tavern, sits down at the bar, and orders a double martini on the rocks.

      After he finishes the drink, he peeks inside his shirt pocket, then orders another double martini.

      After he finishes that it, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket and orders another one.

      The bartender says: "Look, buddy, I'll bring you martini's all night long - but you got to tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill."

      The customer replies: "I'm peeking at a photo of my wife. When she starts to look good, I will know it's time to go home!"

      Tags:
      • Bar
      • Wife
      • Business
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    • How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?

      1) Three. One to prosecute, one to defend, one to screw it the same way they do everything else.
      2) How many can you afford?

      Tags:
      • Change
      • Lawyer
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    • A house help had a tendency of helping neighbours with almost everything in the house.

      The father asked her why the toothpicks got finished so fast and on her defence she said: "I didn't give out toothpicks. In fact I use mine and return them to the box after every use!"

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    • This story happened a while ago in Dublin and even though it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's true.

      John Bradford, a Dublin University student, was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a storm. The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him.

      Suddenly, he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stopped. John, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got into the car and closed the door only to realize there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't on!!

      The car started moving slowly. John looked at the road ahead and saw a curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life. Then, just before the car hit the curve, a hand appeared through the window and turned the wheel.

      John, paralyzed with terror, watched as the hand repeatedly came through the window, but never touched or harmed him.

      Shortly thereafter, John saw the lights of a pub appear down the road, so, gathering strength, he jumped out of the car and ran to it.

      Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody about the scarey horrible experience he had just had. A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realized he was crying and ... wasn't drunk.

      Suddenly, the door opened, and two other people walked in from the stormy night. They, like John, were also soaked and out of breath. Looking around, and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said to the other ..."Look Paddy ... there's that f ... idiot who got in the car while we were pushing it."!!!

      Tags:
      • Strength
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    • The hospital calls me up and tells me my wife has wrecked my car.

      I say, "Whoa is me! Don't you people ever have any good news!?"

      "It depends on how you feel about your wife. You see the airbags failed too."

      Tags:
      • Car
      • Hospital
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    • A young man was hired by a supermarket and reported for his first day of work. The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, then gave him a broom and said, "Son, your first job will be to sweep out the store."

      "But I'm a college graduate," the young man replied indignantly.

      "Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't realise that," said the manager. "Here, give me the broom - I'll show you how."

      Tags:
      • Broom
      • College
      • Manager
      • Supermarket
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    • An Irishman is sitting at the end of a bar. He sees a lamp at the end of the table. He walks down to it and rubs it. Out pops a genie. It says: "I will give you three wishes."

      The man thinks awhile. Finally he says: "I want a beer that never is empty."

      With that, the genie makes a poof sound and on the bar is a bottle of beer. The Irishman starts drinking it and right before it is gone, it starts to refill. The genie asks about his next two wishes.

      The man says: "I want two more of these."

      Tags:
      • Beer
      • Wish
      • Genie
      • Irish
      • Drinking
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    • One fine morning in Eden, God was looking for Adam and Eve, but couldn't find them. Later in the day God saw Adam and asked where he and Eve were earlier. Adam said, "The morning Eve and I made love for the first time."

      God said, "Adam, you have sinned. I knew this would happen. Where is Eve now?"

      Adam replied, "She's down at the river, washing herself out."

      "Damn," says God, "now all the fish will smell funny."

      Tags:
      • God
      • Fish
      • Adam and Eve
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    • A nun, really needing to go to the bathroom, walked into a local Hooters. The place was hopping with music and dancing, but every once in a while the lights would turn off. Each time after the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers.

      However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent. She walked up to the bartender, and asked, "May I please use the restroom?"

      The bartender replied, "I really don't think you should ..."

      "Why not?" the nun asked.

      "Well, there is a statue of a naked man in there, and his most private parts are covered only by a fig leaf."

      "Nonsense," said the nun, "I'll just look the other way."

      So, the bartender showed the nun the door at the top of the stairs, and she preceded to the restroom. After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place was hopping with music and dancing again. However, they did stop just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause.

      She went to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?"

      "Well, now they know you're one of us," said the bartender, "Would you like a drink?"

      "But, I still don't understand," said the puzzled nun.

      "You see," laughed the bartender, "every time the fig leaf on the statue is lifted up, the lights go out in the whole place. Now, how about that drink?"

      Tags:
      • Bar
      • Nun
      • Bathroom
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    • Some Somalians open fire on an oil tanker, take hostage the 25 crew and hijack the vessel carrying $100million of oil ...

      I 'borrow' some music, TV and films from the internet and they want to sue me for piracy?

      This world is messed up.

      Tags:
      • Internet
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    • Howard Dean's wife held a press conference today where she announced that until the election is over she will shave off all her pubic hair and sit on stage with husband Howard, and wearing no panties.

      Astounded reporters asked what the message was, to which she replied "Read my lips. No more Bush"

      Tags:
      • Wife
      • Panties
      • Reporter
      • George W. Bush
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    • One Sunday morning an old cowboy entered a church just before services were to begin. Although the old man and his clothes were spotlessly clean, he wore jeans, a denim shirt and boots that were very worn and ragged. In his hand he carried a worn out old hat and an equally worn out Bible.

      The church he entered was in a very upscale and exclusive part of the city. It was the largest and most beautiful church the old cowboy had ever seen. The people of the congregation were all dressed with expensive clothes and accessories.

      As the cowboy took a seat, the others moved away from him. No one greeted, spoke to, or welcomed him. They were all appalled at his appearance and did not attempt to hide it.

      As the old cowboy was leaving the church, the preacher approached him and asked the cowboy to do him a favor.

      "Before you come back in here again, have a talk with God, and ask him what he thinks would be appropriate attire for worship." The old cowboy assured the preacher he would.

      The next Sunday, he showed back up for the services wearing the same ragged jeans, shirt, boots, and hat. Once again he was completely shunned and ignored.

      The preacher again approached the man and said, "I thought I asked you to speak to God before you came back to our church."

      "I did," replied the old cowboy.

      "If you spoke to God, what did he tell you the proper attire should be for worshiping in here?" asked the preacher.

      "Well, sir, God told me that He didn't have a clue what I should wear. He said He'd never been in this church."

      Tags:
      • Priest
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    • Once upon a time, there was an officer of the Royal Navy named Captain Bravado who showed no fear when facing his enemies. One day, while sailing the Seven Seas, his lookout spotted a pirate ship approaching, and the crew became frantic. Captain Bravado bellowed, "Bring me my red shirt!"

      The first mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt, and while wearing the brightly colored frock, the Captain led his crew into battle and defeated the mighty pirates. That evening, all the men sat around on deck recounting the triumph of earlier. One of them asked the Captain, "Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before battle?"

      The Captain replied, "If I were to be wounded in the attack, the shirt would not show my blood. Thus, you men would continue to fight, unafraid." All of the men sat and marveled at the courage of such a manly man's man. As dawn came the next morning, the lookout spotted not one, not two, but TEN pirate ships approaching. The crew stared in worshipful silence at the Captain and waited for his usual orders.

      Captain Bravado gazed with steely eyes upon the vast armada arrayed against his ship, and without fear, turned and calmly shouted, "Get me my brown pants."

      Tags:
      • Fear
      • Navy
      • Blood
      • Pirate
      • Counting
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    • A philosophy professor walks in to give his class their final. Placing his chair on his desk the professor instructs the class, "Using every applicable thing you've learned in this course, prove to me that this chair DOES NOT EXIST."

      So, pencils are writing and erasers are erasing, students are preparing to embark on novels proving that this chair doesn't exist, except for one student. He spends thirty seconds writing his answer, then turns his final in to the astonishment of his peers.

      Time goes by, and the day comes when all the students get their final grades ... and to the amazement of the class, the student who wrote for thirty seconds gets the highest grade in the class.

      His answer to the question: "What chair?"

      Tags:
      • Student
      • Professor
      • Philosophy
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    • You have just received the Amish virus. Since we have no electricity or computers, you are on the honor system. Please forward this message to everyone in your address book and then delete all files on your hard drive.

      Thank you.

      Tags:
      • Amish
      • Virus
      • Computer
      • Electricity
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    • Two political candidates were having a hot debate.

      Finally, one of them jumped up and yelled at the other: "What about the powerful interest that controls you?"

      And the other guy screamed back: "You leave my wife out of this!"

      Tags:
      • Politics
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    • How many economists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

      None. If the light bulb really needed changing, market forces would have already caused it to happen.

      Tags:
      • Economist
      • Lightbulb
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    • The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher was calling on them one at a time. She was reluctant to call upon Little Johnny, knowing that he sometimes could be a bit crude. But eventually his turn came.

      Little Johnny walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down. Well the teacher couldn't figure out what Johnny had in mind for his report on something exciting, so she asked him just what that was.

      "It's a period" reported Johnny.

      "Well I can see that" she said. "but what is so exciting about a period."

      "Damned if I know" said Johnny, "but this morning my sister said she missed one. Then Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted and the man next door shot himself."

      Tags:
      • Period
      • Homework
      • Little Johnny
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    • There's a big conference of beer producers. At the end of the day, the presidents of all beer companies decide to have a drink in a bar.

      The president of 'Budweiser' orders a Bud, the president of 'Miller' orders a Miller Lite, Adolph Coors orders a Coors, and the list goes on. Then the waitress asks Arthur Guinness what he wants to drink, and much to everybody's amazement, Mr. Guinness orders a Coke!

      "Why don't you order a Guinness?" his colleagues ask.

      "Naah. If you guys won't drink beer, then neither will I."

      Tags:
      • Beer
      • Guinness
      • Waitress
      • Budweiser
      • President
      • Arthur Guinness
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    • A guy goes to the doctor.

      "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The green, green grass of home.'"

      "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome."

      "Is it common?"

      "It's not unusual."

      Tags:
      • Doctor
      • Tom Jones
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    • A young boy asks his dad: "What's the difference between theoretically and realistically?"

      "Well son, go and ask your mother if she would sleep with the postman for $1million ..."

      The little boy asks his mum and then goes back to his dad: "She said yes ..."

      "Now go and ask your sister if she would sleep with the milkman for $2million ..."

      The little boy asks his sister: "She said yes, but whats the difference between theoretically and realistically?"

      "Well son, theoretically we are sitting on $3million ... realistically we are living with a couple of slags!"

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    • A one dollar bill met a twenty dollar bill and said, "Hey, where've you been? I haven't seen you around here much."

      The twenty answered, "I've been hanging out at the casinos, went on a cruise and did the rounds of the ship, back to the United States for a while, went to a couple of baseball games, to the mall, that kind of stuff. How about you?"

      The one dollar bill said, "You know, same old stuff ... church, church, church."

      Tags:
      • Church
      • Baseball
      • United States
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    • It was a sunny Saturday morning, and Jim was beginning his pre-shot routine, visualizing his upcoming shot when a voice came over the clubhouse loudspeaker: "Would the gentleman on the Ladies tee please back up to the men's tee, please!"

      Jim was still deep in his routine, seemingly impervious to the interruption. Again the announcement: "Would the man on the women's tee kindly back up the men's tee!"

      Jim had had enough. He shouted: "Would the announcer in the clubhouse kindly shut up and let me play my second shot!"

      Tags:
      • Men
      • Women
      • Clubhouse
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    • Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their latest Stamps?

      They had pictures of lawyers on them and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on.

      Tags:
      • Lawyer
      • Stamp
      • Post Office
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    • A girl looks at a mans tattoo: NIKE on his arms, REEBOK on his legs, she screamed when she saw AIDS on his penis.

      "Relax" he said, "if it erects, it reads ADIDAS."

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    • A house, inhabited by a Greek on ground level, an Italian on first floor and a German on second, got on fire. Who survived?

      The German. He was out practicing marching.

      Tags:
      • Fire
      • Greek
      • House
      • Germany
      • Marching
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    • A young married couple has difficulties conceiving a baby, so after a while the wife consults her doctor, who recommends the minor of three possible operations.

      The operation is performed, but a couple of months later, she's still not pregnant, so she goes to see the doctor again. This time he recommends the medium operation, a somewhat more serious operation, but still not as complicated as the third alternative.

      But, there's still no result, and another couple of months later she's back in the doctor's office, and this time she gets the big one. After having recovered in some weeks, the couple resumes normal marital activities, and this time they actually succeed in conceiving a baby.

      Filled with joy, the young wife now sees the doctor for the regular examination during pregnancy and says, "We're so happy doctor, we're finally having a baby. But what was this third operation actually all about? The first two weren't that bad, but this last one I think must have been quite a job, I was dizzy for weeks after."

      "Well," the doctor replies, "since the first two standard operations failed, we started suspecting your method rather than your ability, so I made a connection from your throat to your uterus."

      Tags:
      • Baby
      • Doctor
      • Pregnancy
      • Doctor Who
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    • Physics Teacher: "Isaac Newton was sitting under a tree when an apple fell on his head and he discovered gravity. Isn't that wonderful?"

      Student: "Yes sir, if he had been sitting in class looking at books like us, he wouldn't have discovered anything."

      Tags:
      • Book
      • Apple
      • Gravity
      • Physics
      • Student
      • Teacher
      • Isaac Newton
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    • Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: "Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?"

      Slim says: "I feel just like a newborn baby."

      "Really? Like a newborn baby?"

      "Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants."

      Tags:
      • Baby
      • Old People
      • Retirement
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    • A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the engine of a Range Rover when he spotted a well-known heart surgeon in his shop. The surgeon was there waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his Mercedes when the mechanic shouted across the garage: "Hey doc, can I ask you a question?"

      The surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working on the Range Rover. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked: "So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take the valves out, repair any damage, and then put them back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I get such a small salary and you get the really big money, when you and I are doing basically the same work?"

      The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over and whispered to the mechanic: "Try doing it with the engine running."

      Tags:
      • Surgery
      • Mechanic
      • Mercedes
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    • A crowded flight is cancelled, and a frazzled agent must rebook a long line of inconvenienced travelers by herself. Suddenly, an angry passenger pushes to the front and demands to be on the next flight, first class.

      Agent: "I'm sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks first."

      Passenger: "Do you have any idea who I am?"

      The gate agent grabs her public address microphone, "May I have your attention, please? We have a passenger here who does not know who he is. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to gate 17."

      The man grits his teeth, "Screw you."

      She replies, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to stand in line for that, too."

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    • An Avon lady was riding in an elevator when she suddenly had to fart. Afterward, she promptly reached into her bag and sprayed the air with her deodoriser.

      Two floors later a gentleman got onto the elevator. He began to sniff.

      The Avon lady asked, "Do you smell something?"

      "Why, yes, I do," he replied.

      "What does it smell like?"

      "Hmmm, I'm not sure, but it kind of smells like someone shit in a pine tree."

      Tags:
      • Fart
      • Elevator
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    • An airliner is coming into land at an airport obscured by fog. Visibility is practically nil, the ILS system is on the blink, so the pilot has to land on wits alone. "Flaps, check," he says to the copilot, "Landing Gear, check. Altitude, check. Right, we're going in. Hold on." The plane lands and comes to a screeching, grinding halt; just short of the edge of the runway. "Holy Cow!" exclaims the pilot, "This must be the shortest runway I've ever landed on!" The copilot looks left and right and says "Yeah, and about the widest, too ..."

      Tags:
      • Pilot
      • Airport
      • Airplane
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    • Nathan goes to see his doctor. After a lengthy examination the doctor sighs, and says, "I've some bad news for you, Nathan. You have an incurable cancer. I suggest you quickly put your affairs in order." Nathan is initially shocked, but then, being a calm, solid character, he composes himself and quietly leaves the doctor's office. His son Max is waiting for him.

      "Max," says Nathan, "we celebrate when things are good and we sometimes celebrate when things are not so good. In my case, Max, things aren't so good - I have cancer, so I suggest we go to my golf club for a few drinks." 4 or 5 glasses of whisky later, the two are feeling a little less sad. Then, after a few laughs and some more glasses of whisky, they are approached by two of Nathan's club mates, curious as to what Nathan and Max are celebrating.

      Nathan tells them, "Guys, we're drinking to my impending death. I've been diagnosed with AIDS." His club mates are shocked. They give Nathan their condolences, have a couple of beers and leave. Max then says, "Dad, you tell me you're dying of cancer yet you tell your friends you're dying of AIDS. I don't understand."

      Nathan replies, "I don't want any of them sleeping with your mother after I'm gone."

      Tags:
      • Sleep
      • Drinking
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    • A young businessman had just started his own firm. He rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques. Sitting there, he saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear the hot shot, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working. He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments. Finally he hung up and asked the visitor, "Can I help you?"

      The man said, "Yeah, I've come to activate your phone lines."

      Tags:
      • Office
      • Business
      • Telephone
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    • Why did princess Diana cross the road?
      Because she wasn't wearing a seatbelt

      What was the last thing that went through her mind?
      The windshield

      Tags:
      • Princess
      • Windshield
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    • Little Johnny's family is sitting at the dinner table.

      Father: "Can you please pray for dinner!"

      Little Johnny: "Dear God. Please, please send clothes for all those poor ladies in Dad's computer. Amen!"

      Tags:
      • Dinner
      • Computer
      • Little Johnny
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    • How do you shoot a blue elephant?

      With a blue elephant gun.

      How do you shoot a red elephant?

      You strangle him until he turns blue, and then shoot him with a blue elephant gun.

      How do you shoot a green elephant?

      Tell him a dirty joke so he turns red, strangle him until he turns blue, and then shoot him with a blue elephant gun.

      How do you shoot a yellow elephant?

      Ever seen a yellow elephant?

      Tags:
      • Elephant
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    • I was sitting in the waiting room of the hospital after my wife had gone into labor and the nurse walked out and said to the man sitting next to me, "Congratulations sir, you're the new father of twins!"

      The man replied, "How about that, I work for the Doublemint Chewing Gum Company." The man then followed the woman to his wife's room.

      About an hour later, the same nurse entered the waiting room and announced that Mr. Smith's wife has just had triplets.

      Mr. Smith stood up and said, "Well, how do ya like that, I work for the 3M Company."

      The gentleman that was sitting next to me then got up and started to leave. When I asked him why he was leaving, he remarked, "I think I need a breath of fresh air." The man continued, "I work for 7-UP."

      Tags:
      • Nurse
      • Father
      • Hospital
      • Doublemint
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    • The morning after an all-night honeymoon expert virtuoso performance in bed, the somewhat amazed but blissfully happy newlywed wife snuggles up to her new hubby and says, "Darling, you are just wonderful. Last night was simply amazing. May I ask how many others were there before me?"

      After a few moments of silence, the wife becomes a little testy and says, "Come on, I know there must have been some - I'm waiting."

      And "Captain Experience" takes a deep breath and says, "Hang on sweetheart, I'm still counting."

      Tags:
      • Counting
      • Honeymoon
      • Sweetheart
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    • On some air bases the Air Force is on one side of the field and civilian aircraft use the other side of the field, with the control tower in the middle.

      One day the tower received a call from an aircraft asking, "What time is it?" The tower responded, "Who is calling?" The aircraft replied, "What difference does it make?" The tower replied "It makes a lot of difference.

      If it is an American Airlines flight, it is 3 o'clock.
      If it is an Air Force plane, it is 1500 hours.
      If it is a Navy aircraft, it is 6 bells.
      If it is an Army aircraft, the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 3.
      If it is a Marine Corps aircraft, it's Thursday afternoon and 120 minutes to 'Happy Hour'."

      Tags:
      • Army
      • Navy
      • Time
      • Marine
      • America
      • Air Force
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    • A Baptist missionary in Africa was just walking when he heard the ominous padding of a lion behind him.

      "Oh Lord," prayed the missionary, "Grant in thy goodness that the lion walking behind me is a good Christian lion."

      In the silence that followed, the missionary heard the lion praying too: "Oh Lord," he prayed, "I thank thee for the meal which I am about to enjoy"

      Tags:
      • Missionary
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    • Bill Clinton, Al Gore, and Bill Gates all died in a plane crash and went to meet their maker.

      The supreme deity turned to Al and asked: "Tell what is important about yourself." Al responded that he felt that the Earth was the ultimate importance and that protecting the earth's ecological system was most important. God looked to Al and said, "I like the way you think, come and sit at my left hand."

      God then asked Bill Clinton what he revered most. Bill Clinton responded that he felt people and their personal choices were most important. God responded, "I like the way you think, come and sit at my right hand."

      God then turned to Bill Gates, who was staring at him indignantly. God asked "What is your problem Bill Gates?" Bill Gates responded "I think you are sitting in my chair!"

      Tags:
      • God
      • Al Gore
      • Bill Gates
      • Bill Clinton
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    • A man was invited for dinner at a friend's house. Every time the host needed something, he preceded his request to his wife by calling her 'My Love', 'Darling', 'Sweetheart', etc, etc.

      His friend looked at him and said, "That's really nice after all of these years you've been married to keep saying those little pet names."

      The host said, "Well, honestly, I've forgotten her name."

      Tags:
      • Love
      • Wife
      • Dinner
      • Sweetheart
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    • As a crowded airliner is about to take off, the peace is shattered by a 5-year-old boy who picks that moment to throw a wild temper tantrum. No matter what his frustrated, embarrassed mother does to try to calm him down, the boy continues to scream furiously and kick the seats around him.

      Suddenly, from the rear of the plane, an elderly man in the uniform of an Air Force General is seen slowly walking forward up the aisle. Stopping the flustered mother with an upraised hand, the white-haired, courtly, soft-spoken General leans down and, motioning toward his chest, whispers something into the boy's ear.

      Instantly, the boy calms down, gently takes his mother's hand, and quietly fastens his seat belt. All the other passengers burst into spontaneous applause.

      As the General slowly makes his way back to his seat, one of the cabin attendants touches his sleeve. "Excuse me, General," she asks quietly, "but could I ask you what magic words you used on that little boy?"

      The old man smiles serenely and gently confides, "I showed him my pilot's wings, service stars, and battle ribbons, and explained that they entitle me to throw one passenger out the plane door on any flight I choose."

      Tags:
      • Mother
      • Air Force
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    • How many software engineers does it take to change a light bulb?

      1) None. real computer geeks prefer LEDs.
      2) None. It's a hardware problem!
      3) Just one. But the house falls down.
      4) Two. One resigns halfway through the project.
      5) 10. One to change the bulb and one to explain binary.
      6) Is this a dynamically allocated light bulb?

      Tags:
      • Computer
      • Engineer
      • Hardware
      • Software
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    • Rules of the lab

      1) If an experiment works, something has gone wrong.
      2) When you don't know what you're doing, do it neatly.
      3) Experiments must be reproducible, they should fail the same way each time.
      4) First draw your curves, then plot your data.
      5) Experience is directly proportional to equipment ruined.
      6) Always keep a record of your data. It indicates that you have been working.
      7) To do a lab really well, have your report done well in advance.
      8) If you can't get the answer in the usual manner, start at the answer and derive the question.
      9) In case of doubt, make it sound convincing.
      10) Do not believe in miracles - rely on them.
      11) Team work is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.
      12) All unmarked beakers contain fast-acting, extremely toxic poisons.
      13) No experiment is a complete failure. At least it can serve as a negative example.
      14) Any delicate and expensive piece of glassware will break before any use can be made of it.

      Tags:
      • Science
      • Rules
      • Experiment
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    • A young single guy is on a cruise ship, having the time of his life. On the second day of the cruise, the ship slams into an iceberg and begins to sink. Passengers around him are screaming, flailing, and drowning but our guy manages to grab on to a piece of driftwood and, using every last ounce of strength, swims a few miles through the shark-infested sea to a remote island.

      Sprawled on the shore nearly passed out from exhaustion, he turns his head and sees a woman lying near him, unconscious, barely breathing. She's also managed to wash up on shore from the sinking ship. He makes his way to her, and with some mouth-to-mouth assistance he manages to get her breathing again. She looks up at him, wide-eyed and grateful and says, "My God, you saved my life!"

      He suddenly realizes the woman is Cindy Crawford!

      Days and weeks go by. Cindy and our guy are living on the island together. They've set up a hut, there's fruit on the trees, and they're in heaven. Cindy's fallen madly in love with our man, and they're making passionate love morning, noon and night.

      Alas, one day she notices he's looking kind of glum. "What's the matter, sweetheart?" she asks, "We have a wonderful life together, I'm in love with you. Is there something wrong? Is there anything I can do?"

      He says, "Actually, Cindy, there is. Would you mind, putting on my shirt?"

      "Sure," she says, "if it will help." He takes off his shirt and she puts it on.

      "Now would you put on my pants?" he asks.

      "Sure, honey, if it's really going to make you feel better," she says.

      "Okay, would you put on my hat now, and draw a little mustache on your face?" he asks.

      "Whatever you want, sweetie," she says, and does.

      Then he says, "Now, would you start walking around the edge of the island?"

      She starts walking around the perimeter of the island. He sets off in the other direction. They meet up half way around the island a few minutes later. He rushes up to her, grabs her by the shoulders, and says, "Dude! You'll never believe who I'm sleeping with!"

      Tags:
      • Sleep
      • Drowning
      • Strength
      • Sweetheart
      • Cindy Crawford
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    • Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, a pretty girl asked, "I want to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?"

      "Only one kiss per yard," replied the smirking male clerk.

      "That's fine," replied the girl. "I'll take ten yards."

      With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk quickly measured out and wrapped the cloth, then teasingly held it out.

      The girl snapped up the package and pointed to a little old man standing beside her. "Grandpa will pay the bill," she smiled.

      Tags:
      • Pretty Girl
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    • No one in this town could catch any fish except this one man. The game warden asked him how he did it so the man told the game warden that he would take him fishing the next day ...

      Once they got to the middle of the lake the man took out a stick of dynamite, lit it, and threw it in the water. After the explosion fish started floating to the top of the water. The man took out a net and started picking up the fish.

      The game warden told him that this was illegal.

      The man took out another stick of dynamite and lit it. He then handed it to the game warden and said "Are you going to fish or talk?"

      Tags:
      • Fish
      • Fishing
      • Dynamite
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    • A Saudi was being interviewed at the US Embassy to obtain visa.

      Consul: "Your name please?"
      Saudi: "Abdul-Aziz."
      Consul: "Sex?"
      Saudi: "Six time a week."
      Consul: "I mean, male or female?"
      Saudi: "Both male and female sometime even camels."
      Consul: "Holy cow!"
      Saudi: "Yes, cows and dogs too."
      Consul: "Man, isn't that hostile?"
      Saudi: "Horse style, dog style, any style!"
      Consul: "Oh dear!"
      Saudi: "Deer? No deer, they run too fast ...!"

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    • "Mr. Smith, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce court judge said, "and I've decided to give your wife $275 a week."

      "That's very nice, your honour," the husband said. "And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks, myself."

      Tags:
      • Court
      • Judge
      • Divorce
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    • An old woman is riding in an elevator in a very lavish New York City building when a young, beautiful woman gets into the elevator, smelling of expensive perfume. She turns to the old woman and says arrogantly, "'Romance' by Ralph Lauren, $150 an ounce!"

      Then another young and beautiful woman gets on the elevator, and also very arrogantly turns to the old woman saying, "'Chanel No. 5', $200 an ounce!"

      About three floors later, the old woman has reached her destination and is about to get off the elevator. Before she leaves, she looks both beautiful women in the eye, then bends over and farts and says, "Broccoli, 49 cents a pound!"

      Tags:
      • Fart
      • Broccoli
      • Elevator
      • New York
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    • Officer: "Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?"

      Soldier: "Sure, buddy."

      Officer: "That's no way to address an officer! Now let's try it again!"

      Officer: "Soldier. Do you have change for a dollar?"

      Soldier: "No, SIR!"

      Tags:
      • Change
      • Dollar
      • Soldier
      00
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    • Teacher: Why are you late, Joseph?

      Joseph: Because of a sign down the road.

      Teacher: What does a sign have to do with your being late?

      Joseph: The sign said, "SCHOOL AHEAD. GO SLOW!"

      Tags:
      • School
      • Teacher
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    • A man went in for a brain transplant operation and was offered a choice of two brains by the surgeon. He could choose either the Architect's brain which would cost him $10,000 or the Politician's which was $100,000.

      "Does that mean that the politician's brain is much better than the Architect's?" exclaimed the clearly puzzled man.

      "not exactly" replied the surgeon, "the politician's has never been used."

      Tags:
      • Brain
      • Politics
      • Architect
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    • A nine-year old boy goes into the grocery store, grabs a box of tampons from the shelf and carries it to the register. The cashier asks, "Oh, these must be for your mom, huh?"

      "Nope," says the boy, "not for my mom."

      The cashier responds, "Well, then they must be for your sister then?"

      "Nope," says the boy, "not for my sister, neither."

      The cashier is now curious, "Oh. Not for your mom and not for your sister - then who are they for?"

      The nine-year-old says, "They're for my little brother. They say on TV, if you wear one of these, you can swim and ride a bike, and my little brother can't do either of those things."

      Tags:
      • Bicycle
      00
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    • An Air Force cargo plane was preparing for departure from Thule Air Base in Greenland. They were waiting for the truck to arrive to pump out the aircraft's sewage holding tank. The Aircraft Commander was in a hurry, the truck was late in arriving, and the Airman performing the job was extremely slow in getting the tank pumped out.

      When the commander berated the Airman for his slowness and promised punishment, the Airman responded: "Sir, I have no stripes, it is 20 below zero, I'm stationed in Greenland, and I am pumping sewage out of airplanes. Just what are you going to do to punish me?"

      Tags:
      • Airplane
      • Air Force
      00
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    • A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead all work for a construction crew. One day, they were on their lunch break, sitting on a beam thirty stories high. They all note that they've had the same lunch for as long as they were on the job. They agreed if they opened their lunchboxes and found the same lunch, they would all hurl themselves off the beam.

      The next day, the police are investigating the scene where the three women fell. When the police asked the husbands of the women, the brunette and the redhead's husbands both said, "If I had known, I would have given her something different." However, the blonde's husband said, "Don't look at me, she packs her own lunch."

      Tags:
      • Lunch
      • Women
      • Blonde
      • Husband
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    • You are on the bus when you suddenly realize you need to fart.

      The music on the bus is really loud, so you time your farts with the beat. After A couple of songs, you start to feel better as you approach your stop.

      As you are leaving the bus, people are really staring you down, and looking really angry. That's when you remember you've been listening to your ipod.

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    • A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!"

      The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!"

      The man says: "You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you."

      Tags:
      • Baby
      • Monkey
      • Bus Driver
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    • A man comes home from a tough day of work looking to unwind. After a relaxing dinner with his wife, they retired to bed. So, both go to their separate beds, however the man was not yet ready to slumber. The man called over to his wife, "My little boopey-boo, I'm lonely." So the woman gets out of bed and crosses the room to the husband. On the way she trips on the carpet and falls on her face. The husband with a concerned look on his face says, "Oh, did my little honey-woney fall on her little nosey-wosey?"

      The woman gets up and enters the man's bed. The two make passionate love and afterwards the women rolls out. As she is returning to her bed, she once again catches her foot on the carpet and falls flat on her face. The man looks over his shoulder at his wife lying on the floor and says, "Clumsy idiot."

      Tags:
      • Love
      • Wife
      • Husband
      00
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    • One day, a 5 year old boy went to visit his granny. Playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said: "Grandma, why don't you have a boyfriend now that grandpa went to heaven?"

      Grandma replied: "Honey, my TV-set is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The religious programs makes me feel good and the comedies makes me laugh. I'm happy with my it as my boyfriend."

      Grandma turned on the TV-set, and the reception was terrible. She started adjusting knobs, trying to get it focus.

      Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.

      The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door, and there stood his grandpa's old friend, now the grandma's minister.

      The minister said: "Hello, son, is your Grandma home?"

      The little boy replied: "Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend!"

      Tags:
      • Priest
      • Boyfriend
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    • Meeting rules for managers:

      1) Never arrive on time, or you will be stamped a beginner.
      2) Don't say anything until the meeting is half over; this stamps you as being wise.
      3) Be as vague as possible; this prevents irritating the others.
      4) When in doubt, suggest that a subcommittee be appointed.
      5) Be the first to move for adjournment; this will make you popular - it's what everyone is waiting for.

      Tags:
      • Rules
      • Manager
      • Committee
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    • Did you hear about the lawyer from Texas who was so big when he died that they couldn't find a coffin big enough to hold the body?

      They gave him an enema and buried him in a shoebox.

      Tags:
      • Texas
      • Coffin
      • Lawyer
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    • A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly. The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say: "That's not it" and put it down again. This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested. The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge from the army.

      The soldier picked it up, smiled and said: "That's it."

      Tags:
      • Army
      • Soldier
      • Psychology
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    • A blonde, brunette and redhead are in a desert.

      The brunette says, "I brought some water so we don't get dehydrated."

      The redhead says, "I brought some suntan lotion so we don't get sunburned."

      Then the blonde says "I brought a car door." The other girls said, "Why did you bring that?" Then the blonde says, "So I can roll down the window if it gets hot."

      Tags:
      • Car
      • Blonde
      • Redhead
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    • A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads, "LOW BRIDGE AHEAD". Before he knows it the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles.

      Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks around to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got your truck stuck, huh?"

      The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."

      Tags:
      • Bridge
      • Police
      • Truck Driver
      00
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    • Chuck Norris owns the greatest poker face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 world series of poker despite him holding just a joker, a 2 of clubs, a 7 of spades, and a green number 4 from Uno and a monopoly 'get out of jail free' card.

      Tags:
      • Monopoly
      • Chuck Norris
      00
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    • Teacher: "If I lay one egg here and another there, how many eggs will there be?"

      Little Johnny: "None!"

      Teacher (surprised): "Why not?"

      Little Johnny: "Because you can't lay eggs!"

      Tags:
      • Little Johnny
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    • A blonde cop stops a blonde motorist and asks for her driver's license.

      The motorist digs around in her purse but can't find it. She says to the cop, "I must have left it at home, officer."

      The cop says, "Well, do you have any kind of identification?"

      The motorist searches her purse again and finds a pocket mirror. She looks at it and says to the cop, "All I have is this picture of myself."

      The cop says, "Let me see." So the blonde motorist gives the mirror to the blonde cop, who looks at it, and replies, "Well, if I'd known you were a police officer, I wouldn't have pulled you over."

      Tags:
      • Driver's License
      00
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    • How many Microsoft executives does it take to change a light bulb?

      1) 1001. One to install the new bulb, plus one thousand lawyers to assert intellectual property rights over every light bulb ever invented.
      2) Microsoft doesn't change light bulbs. It declares Darkness (TM) the new standard.

      Tags:
      • Lawyer
      • Darkness
      • Business
      • Microsoft
      00
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    • The teacher in Johnny's school asked the class what their parents did for a living.

      One little girl said her father was a doctor, another said her mother was an engineer.

      When it was Little Johnny's turn, he stood up and said "My mom's a whore."

      Naturally, after that remark, he got sent off to the principal's office. Then, 15 minutes later, he returned.

      So the teacher asked "Did you tell the principal what you said in class?"

      Johnny said, "Yes."

      "Well, what did the principal say?"

      "He said that every job is important in our economy, gave me a pocket full of lollies and asked for my phone number ..."

      Tags:
      • Teacher
      • Engineer
      • Principal
      • Little Johnny
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    • Trial. A small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand in a trial, a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

      She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a rising big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

      The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Williams, do you know the defense attorney?"

      She again replied, "Why, yes I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents. And he too, has been a real disappointment to me. He's lazy, bigoted, he has a drinking problem. The man can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire state. Yes, I know him."

      At this point, the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and called both counselors to the bench. In a very quiet voice, he said with menace, "If either of you asks her if she knows me, you'll be jailed for contempt!"

      Tags:
      • Court
      • Judge
      • Lawyer
      • Drinking
      • Small town
      • Grandmother
      • Relationship
      • Disappointment
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    • There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.

      When asked to define "great" he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"

      He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.

      Tags:
      • Microsoft
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    • What is the difference between George Washington, Richard Nixon, and your mother in Law?

      Washington couldn't tell a lie, Nixon couldn't tell the truth and your mother in Law doesn't know the difference.

      Tags:
      • Mother In Law
      • George Washington
      00
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    • The vector was walking down cartesian drive when he bumped into a confused Scalar.

      The vector asked him what was wrong and he replied, "Help I have no direction."

      Tags:
      • Directions
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    • A couple is going to an art gallery. They find a picture of a naked women with only her privates covered with leaves. The wife doesn't like it and moves on but the husband keeps looking.

      The wife asks: "What are you waiting for?"

      The husband replies: "Autumn."

      Tags:
      • Autumn
      • Nudity
      • Husband
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    • An old man visits his doctor and after thorough examination the doctor tells him: "I have good news and bad news, what would you like to hear first?"

      Patient: "Well, give me the bad news first."

      Doctor: "You have cancer, I estimate that you have about two years left."

      Patient: "Ooh No! That's awful! In two years my life will be over! What kind of good news could you probably tell me, after this?"

      Doctor: "You also have Alzheimer's. In about three months you are going to forget everything I told you."

      Tags:
      • News
      • Alzheimers
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    • Jenny's friend Debbie was at work complaining about a sore throat and laryngitis.

      "When I have that I always give a blow job to my husband and the next day I'm better, you should try it."

      Next day Debbie comes in singing.

      "How did it go?" enquires Jenny.

      "Brilliant" says Debbie, "your husband couldn't believe it was your idea!"

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    • Attending a wedding for the first time, Little Susie whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?"

      "Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life."

      Little Susie thought about this for a moment, then said "So why is the groom wearing black?"

      Tags:
      • Wedding
      • Little Susie
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    • Father: "What did you learn in school today?"

      Son: "That three and three are seven."

      Father: "Three and three are six!"

      Son: "I guess I didn't learn anything today then!"

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    • A drunk that smelled like a brewery got on a bus one day. He sat down next to a priest. The drunk's shirt was stained, his face was full of bright red lipstick and he had a half-empty bottle of wine sticking out of his pocket. He opened his newspaper and started reading. A couple minutes later, he asked the priest, "Father, what causes arthritis?"

      "Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, and contempt for your fellow man," the priest replied.

      "Imagine that," the drunk muttered. He returned to reading his paper.

      The priest, thinking about what he had said, turned to the man and apologized: "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"

      "I don't have arthritis, Father," the drunk said, "but I just read in the paper that the Pope does."

      Tags:
      • Pope
      • Drunk
      • Priest
      • Lipstick
      • Arthritis
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    • A man was sitting in a room with a blonde itching to ask her something.

      He asked her, "Can I ask you a question? Then you ask me one. If I get yours wrong I will give you £50, and if you get mine wrong you give me a fiver."

      The blonde nods and replies,"Ok then."

      So the man says,"What's the distance between the sun and the earth?"

      The blonde hands him a fiver.

      She then says,"What goes up a hill with 3 legs but comes down with 4?"

      The man thinks for ages on this question and finally gives up and gives the blonde £50 He then asks her,"What's the answer then?"

      The blonde hands him a fiver.

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    • Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee.

      The first Catholic man tells his friends: "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him Father."

      The second Catholic man chirps: "My son is a bishop. When he walks into a room people call him Your Grace."

      The third Catholic gent says: "My son is a cardinal. When he enters a room everyone says Your Eminence."

      The fourth Catholic man chirps: "My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him Your Holiness."

      Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, "Well ...?"

      She replies: "I have a gorgeous daughter. When she walks into a room, people say,... Oh God!"

      Tags:
      • Catholic
      • Daughter
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    • Mother: "What did you learn in school today?"

      Son: "How to write!"

      Mother: "What did you write?"

      Son: "I don't know, they haven't taught us how to read yet!"

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    • Billy and Sally are to 5 year old friends that live next door to each other. I say friends but Billy is often upset with Sally because Sally seems to have more, and is better at more stuff so Billy is often jealous of Sally.

      Sally can run faster and jump higher than poor young Billy can When Billy takes out his toys to play, Sally brings out hers and as well all of her older brothers toys as well.

      This began to really bother poor Billy, but one day when taking a leak beside a bush he had a stunning realization and ran all the way to Sally's and knocked on her door.

      Billy was so excited because he finally new he had Sally beat.

      Sally answered the door and very proudly Billy dropped his drawers and pointed at his wee wee and said "Look at what I have that you don't"

      Sally looked confused at first but quickly took away the wind in Billy's sails by lifting her skirt and saying "but my mom says with one of these, that I can have as many of those as I want"

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    • A yuppie was opening the door of his BMW when a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely. When the police arrived at the scene, the yuppie complained bitterly about the damage to his car.

      "Officer, look what they've done to my Beemer!"

      "You yuppies are so materialistic, it's ridiculous" retorted the officer. "You're so worried about your stupid BMW, you didn't even notice that your left arm was ripped off."

      "Oh, my God!" screamed the yuppie, noticing the bloody stump where his arm used to be. "My Rolex!"

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    • A woman came up behind her husband while he was enjoying his morning coffee and slapped him on the back of the head.

      "I found a piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name 'Marylou' written on it," she said, furious. "You had better have an explanation."

      "Calm down, honey," the man replied. "Remember last week when I was at the dog track? That was the name of the dog I bet on."

      The next morning, his wife snuck up on him and smacked him again.

      "What was that for?" he complained.

      "Your dog called last night."

      Tags:
      • Dog
      • Wife
      • Husband
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    • Once, there was a man who was so upset by his past deeds that he decided to visit a church and confess all of his sins. When he arrived at the church, he walked to the confession area and spoke to the pastor.

      "Father, I am sinful."

      "Yes, son, just tell me what have you done, the Lord will forgive you."

      "Father, I have a steady relationship with my girlfriend, it's been 3 years and nothing serious ever happened between us. Yesterday, I visited her house, nobody was at home except for her sister. We were alone and I slept with her."

      "That's bad my boy, fortunately you realize your mistake."

      "Father, last week I went to my girlfriend's office to look for her, but nobody was around except for one of her colleagues, so I slept with her too."

      "That's not very good of you."

      "Father, last month, I went to her uncle's house to look for her, nobody was around except for her auntie, and I slept with her too."

      "Father? ... Father?"

      Suddenly this guy realized that there was no response from the Father, he walked over and discovered that the Pastor was not there. So he began searching for him.

      "Father? Where are you?"

      He searched high and low, and finally he found him hiding under the table behind the piano.

      "Father, why are you hiding here?"

      "Sorry son, suddenly I remembered there is nobody around here except me."

      Tags:
      • Church
      • Father
      • Priest
      • Confession
      • Girlfriend
      • Relationship
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    • In a train compartment, there are 3 men and a ravishing young girl. The four passengers join in conversation, which very soon turns to the erotic. Then, the young girl proposes, "If each of you will give me $1.00, I will show you my legs."

      The men, charmed by this young girl, all pull a buck out of their wallet. And then the girl pulls up her dress a bit to show her legs. Then she says, "If each of you gentlemen will give me $10.00, I'll show you my thighs,".

      And men being what they are, they all pull out a ten dollar bill. The girl pulls up her dress all the way to her legs in full. Conversation continues, and the men, a bit excited, have all taken off their coats. Then the young girl says, "If you will give me $100, I will show you where I was operated on for appendicitis."

      All three fork over the money. The girl then turned to the window and points outside at a building they're passing. "See there in the distance. That's the hospital where I had it done!"

      Tags:
      • Men
      • Girl
      • Money
      • Train
      • Hospital
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    • The Pope arrives in heaven, where St. Peter awaits him. St. Peter asks who he is.

      The Pope: "I am the pope."

      St. Peter: "Who? There's no such name in my book."

      The Pope: "I'm the representative of God on Earth."

      St.Peter: "Does God have a representative? He didn't tell me ..."

      The Pope: "But I am the leader of the Catholic Church ..."

      St. Peter: "The Catholic church ... Never heard of it ... Wait, I'll check with the boss."

      St. Peter walks away through Heaven's Gate to talk with God.

      St. Peter: "There's a dude standing outside who claims he's your representative on earth."

      God: "I don't have a representative on earth, not that I know of ... Wait, I'll ask Jesus." (yells for Jesus)

      Jesus: "Yes father, what's up?"

      God and St. Peter explain the situation.

      Jesus: "Wait, I'll go outside and have a little chat with that fellow."

      Ten minutes pass and Jesus reenters the room laughing out loud. After a few minutes St. Peter asks Jesus why he's laughing.

      Jesus: "Remember that fishing club I've started 2000 years ago? It still exists!"

      Tags:
      • God
      • Pope
      • Jesus
      • Catholic
      • St. Peter
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    • One day an out of work mime was visiting the zoo, where he attempted to earn some money as a street performer. Unfortunately, as soon as he started to draw a crowd, a zoo keeper grabbed him and dragged him into his office.

      The zookeeper explained to the mime that the zoo's most popular attraction, a gorilla named Sparky, had died suddenly and the keeper was worried that attendance at the zoo would fall off without him. The zookeeper offered the mime a job to dress up as Sparky until they could get a new gorilla. The mime accepted.

      The next morning, the mime put on a gorilla suit and entered the cage before the crowd arrived. He discovered that it was a great job! He could sleep all he wanted, play and make fun of people and he was drawing bigger crowds than he ever did as a mime.

      However, eventually the crowds tired of him, and he was getting bored just swinging on tires. He began to notice that the people were paying more attention to the lion in the cage next to his. Not wanting to lose the attention of his audience, he climbed to the top of his cage, crawled across a partition, and dangled from the top over the lion's cage. Of course, this made the lion furious, but the crowd loved it. At the end of the day the zoo keeper was thrilled, and even gave the mime a raise for being such a good attraction.

      This went on for some time, the mime kept taunting the lion, the crowds grew larger, and his salary kept going up. Then one terrible day when he was dangling over the furious lion, he lost his grip and fell. The mime was terrified. The lion gathered itself and prepared to pounce. The mime was so scared that he began to run round and round the cage with the lion close behind. When no help came, and the crowd looked on in shock, the mime started screaming and yelling.

      Help, Help me!" he screamed, but the lion was too quick and pounced. The mime found himself flat on his back looking up at the angry lion, who was just inches away from his face when he whispered, "Shut up you idiot! Do you want to get us both fired?

      Tags:
      • Zoo
      • Gorilla
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    • There is the story of a preacher who got up one Sunday and announced to his congregation: "I have good news and bad news. The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our new building program. The bad news is, it's still out there in your pockets."

      Tags:
      • News
      • Money
      • Priest
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    • A woman whose husband often came home drunk decided to cure him of the habit. One Halloween night, she put on a devil suit and hid behind a tree to intercept him on the way home. When her husband came by, she jumped out and stood before him with her red horns, long tail, and pitchfork.

      "Who are you?" he asked.

      "I'm the Devil," she responded.

      "Well, come on home with me," he said, "I married your sister."

      Tags:
      • Drunk
      • Satan
      • Husband
      • Halloween
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    • Just before takeoff one day, a flight attendant approached Muhammad Ali and asked that he fasten his seat belt.

      "Superman don't need no seat belt," Ali growled.

      "Well, Superman," the stewardess replied, "don't need no airplane!"

      Tags:
      • Airplane
      • Superman
      • Stewardess
      • Muhammad Ali
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    • Joe had trouble with getting a girl friend so he asks his friend Greg if he can help.

      "Well, I planned we go to the beach tomorrow and I'll help you then."

      Next day when they got on the beach on comfortable and Greg says

      "here, stick this rock in your pants and see if u can get a girl."

      A minute later girls are running and screaming and then Greg says

      "No! Your supposed to put the rock in front! Not in back!"

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    • A mother and her son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago. The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"

      The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the stewardess. So the boy asked the stewardess, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"

      The stewardess responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?" The boy admitted that this was the case. "Well, then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time. Your mother can explain that to you."

      Tags:
      • Son
      • Baby
      • Kansas
      • Mother
      • Airplane
      • Stewardess
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    • An official Gallup survey polled over 1000 women with the question: Would you sleep with Bill Clinton?

      1% said, "No"
      2% said, "Yes"
      97% said, "Never Again"

      Tags:
      • Women
      • Survey
      • Bill Clinton
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    • Little Johnny wasn't getting good marks in school. One day he surprised the teacher with an announcement. He tapped her on the shoulder and said, "I don't want to scare you, but my daddy says if I don't start getting better grades, somebody is going to get a spanking!"

      Tags:
      • School
      • Little Johnny
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    • A burglar broke into a home and was looking around. He heard a soft voice say, "Jesus is watching you". Thinking it was just his imagination, he continued his search. Again the voice said "Jesus is watching you". He turned his flashlight around and saw a parrot in a cage.

      He asked the parrot if he was the one talking and the parrot said, "yes."

      He asked the parrot what his name was and the parrot said, "Moses."

      The burglar asked, "what kind of people would name a parrot Moses?"

      The parrot said, "the same kind of people who would name their pit bull Jesus".

      Tags:
      • Jesus
      • Parrot
      • Burglary
      • Flashlight
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    • The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is watching."

      Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples."

      Tags:
      • God
      • Nun
      • Apple
      • Lunch
      • Cookie
      • School
      • Catholic
      • Children
      • Chocolate
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    • What do you get when you cross a blonde and a lawyer?

      1) There are some things even a blonde won't do.
      2) Something that when it gives you a blow job, it won't stop until it gets blood.

      Tags:
      • Blonde
      • Lawyer
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    • A guy walks into a bar and sees a gorgeous babe nursing a drink. Walking up behind her he says, "Hi, there, good looking! How's it going?"

      She, having already downed a few power drinks, turned around, faced him, looked him straight in the eye and said: "Listen! I screw anybody, any time, anywhere, your place, front door, back door, it doesn't matter to me. I've been doing it ever since I got out of college. I just flat-ass love it!"

      Eyes now wide with interest, he responded, "No kidding! I'm a lawyer, too! What firm are you with?"

      Tags:
      • Bar
      • Lawyer
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    • Tom squared up to the ball and took a magnificent swing but somehow, something went wrong and a horrible slice resulted. The ball went onto the adjoining fairway and hit a man full force. He dropped!

      Tom and his partner ran up to the stricken victim who lay, quite unconscious, with the ball between his feet. "Good heavens" said Tom, "what shall I do?"

      "Don't move him" said his playing partner, "if we leave him here he becomes an immovable obstruction and you can either play the ball as it lies or drop it two club lengths away."

      Tags:
      • Golf
      00
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    • Three guys go down to Mexico one night, get drunk and wake up in jail. They find out that they're to be executed for their crimes but none of them can remember what they have done.

      The first one is strapped in the electric chair and is asked if he has any last words. He says, "I am a priest and I believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on behalf of the innocent." They throw the switch and nothing happens; so they figure God must not want this guy to die, and let him go.

      The second one is strapped in and gives his last words. "I am an attorney and I believe in the eternal power of Justice to intervene on the part of the innocent." The switch is thrown and again nothing happens.

      Figuring the law is on this guy's side, they let him go. The last one is strapped in and says "I'm an electrical engineer, and I'll tell you right now, you'll never electrocute anybody if you don't connect those two wires." God rest his soul.

      Tags:
      • God
      • Jail
      • Drunk
      • Mexican
      • Engineer
      • Electricity
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    • A guy walks into a bar and orders a drink. After a few more he needs to go to the can.

      He doesn't want anyone to steal his drink so he puts a sign on it saying, "I spat in this beer, do not drink!".

      After a few minutes he returns and there is another sign next to his beer saying, "So did I!"

      Tags:
      • Bar
      • Beer
      • Drinking
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    • Ben never saw action on his high school football team. One day, the assistant coach gave him a pep talk.

      "Remember, Ben," he told him, "everyone on this team has an important role. There is no 'I' in 'team'."

      "True," said the boy. "But there is a 'Ben' in 'bench'."

      Tags:
      • Football
      • High School
      00
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    • They've got a new birth control pill for men now. I think that's fair. It makes a lot more sense to take the bullets out of the gun than to wear a bulletproof vest.

      Tags:
      • Gun
      • Men
      • Birth control
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    • An airline captain was helping a new blonde flight attendant prepare for her first overnight trip. Upon their arrival, the captain showed the flight attendant the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.

      The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up to ask what happened to her.

      She answered the phone, crying, and said, "I can't get out of the room!"

      "You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked. "Why not?"

      She replied, "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"

      Tags:
      • Pilot
      • Blonde
      • Bathroom
      • Stewardess
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    • A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking a round with a fly swatter.

      "What are you doing?" she asked.

      "Hunting flies," He responded.

      "Oh, killing any?" She asked.

      "Yep, three males, two females," he replied.

      Intrigued, she asked, How can you tell?

      He responded, "Three were on a beer can, two were on the phone."

      Tags:
      • Fly
      • Men
      • Beer
      • Women
      • Animal
      • Husband
      • Telephone
      00
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    • A boy is writing a paper on childbirth and asks his parents: "How was I born?"

      His mother awkwardly answers: "The stork brought you."

      "Oh," says the boy. "Well, how were you and Daddy born?"

      "Oh, the stork brought us, too, and Grandpa and Grandma."

      The boy begins his paper: "This report has been very difficult to write due to the fact that there hasn't been a natural childbirth in my family for three generations."

      Tags:
      • Childbirth
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    • A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.

      "Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."

      The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left breast and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed in even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.

      The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you?"

      "Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde."

      "I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken."

      Tags:
      • Blonde
      • Doctor
      • Redhead
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    • A general store owner hires a young female clerk who likes to wear very short skirts and thong panties. One day a young man enters the store, glances at the clerk and glances at the loaves of bread behind the counter. Noticing the length of her skirt [or general lack thereof] and the location of the raisin bread, he has a brilliant idea.

      "Id like some raisin bread please", the man says politely. The female clerk nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread, which is located on the very top shelf. The young man standing almost directly beneath her is provided with an excellent view, just as he surmised he would be.

      Once she descends the ladder he muses that he really should get two loaves as he's having company for dinner. As the clerk retrieves the second loaf of bread, one of the other male customers notices whats going on. Thinking quickly, he requests his own loaf of raisin bread so he can continue to enjoy the view. With each trip up the ladder the young lady seems to catch the eye of another male customer. Pretty soon each male patron is asking for raisin bread, just to see the clerk climb up and down.

      After many trips shes tired, irritated and thinking that she is really going to have to try this bread for herself!

      Finally, once again atop the ladder, she stops and fumes, glaring at the men standing below. She notices an elderly man standing amongst the crowd staring up at her. Thinking to save herself a trip, she yells at the elderly man, "Is yours raisin too?"

      "No," croaks the old man "... But its startin to twitch."

      Tags:
      • Skirt
      00
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    • A lady calls the police to report her husband is missing. The police arrive and ask for a description. She tells them he's 6 feet 2 inches tall, blonde wavy hair and has a smile that makes everybody love him.

      The police then go to the next door neighbor to verify this report and the lady next door tells the police, "You can't believe her. He's 5 feet 4 inches tall, has no hair and he wears a perpetual frown on his face."

      The neighbor then goes and asks the lady why she gave the police such a false report. She replies, "Just because I reported him missing, doesn't mean I wanted him back!"

      Tags:
      • Police
      • Husband
      • Neighbor
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    • A Dublin lawyer died in poverty and many barristers of the city subscribed to a fund for his funeral.

      The Lord Chief Justice of Orbury was asked to donate a shilling.

      "Only a shilling?" said the Justice, "Only a shilling to bury an attorney? Here's a guinea - go and bury 20 more of them."

      Tags:
      • Lawyer
      • Funeral
      00
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    • The Sheriff in a small town walks out in the street and sees a blonde cowboy coming down the walk with nothing on but his cowboy hat, gun, and his boots, so he arrests him for indecent exposure. As he is locking him up, he asks: "Why in the world are you dressed like this?"

      The Cowboy says, "Well it's like this Sheriff ... I was in the bar down the road and this pretty little red head asks me to go out to her motorhome with her. So I did. We go inside and she pulls off her top and asks me to pull off my shirt ... so I did. Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants ... so I did. Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off my shorts ... so I did. Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of sexy and says, 'Now go to downtown cowboy ...'. And here I am."

      Tags:
      • Blonde
      • Cowboy
      • Small town
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    • Two women came before wise King Solomon, dragging between them a young man.

      "This young man agreed to marry my daughter," said one.

      "No! He agreed to marry MY daughter," said the other.

      And so they haggled before the King, until he called for silence.

      "Bring me my biggest sword," said Solomon, "and I shall hew the young man in half. Each of you shall receive a half."

      "Sounds good to me," said the first lady.

      But the other woman said, "Oh Sire, do not spill innocent blood. Let the other woman's daughter marry him."

      The wise king did not hesitate a moment. "This man must marry the first lady's daughter," he proclaimed.

      "But she was willing to hew him in two!" exclaimed the king's court.

      "Indeed," said wise King Solomon. "That shows she is the true mother in Law!"

      Tags:
      • Daughter
      • Mother In Law
      00
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    • How did Bill Gates come up with the name for his company, "Microsoft"?

      He pulled down his underwear and looked in the mirror.

      Tags:
      • Microsoft
      • Bill Gates
      00
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    • A priest, Jesus, and an old man tee off.

      The priest drives the green within 5 yards of the hole.

      Jesus slices the ball and it goes into the water hazard. He quickly runs across the water and hits his second onto the green 2 inches from the hole.

      The old man tees off with a short worm burner that trickles into the hazard. Soon after a fish eats the ball and swims across the pond with it in its mouth. Just then an eagle swoops down and snatches the fish with the golf ball and flies off. The eagle loses its grip and drops the fish on the green. The fish then spits out the ball and it rolls into the hole for a hole in one.

      Jesus turns to the old man and replies, "Play fair dad!"

      Tags:
      • Golf
      • Jesus
      • Priest
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    • Two musicians are walking down the street, and one says to the other, "Who was that piccolo I saw you with last night?"

      The other replies, "That was no piccolo, that was my fife."

      Tags:
      • CIA
      • Music
      • Piccolo
      00
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    • What is the difference between friends and best friends?

      When you are in hospital, friends ask: "How are you?"

      Best friends ask: "Hey brother, how is the nurse?"

      Tags:
      • Hospital
      00
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    • A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. This being a big event, the girl tells her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and "do it" for the first time. Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never done it before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some protection. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about protection and doing it. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many he'd like to buy; a 3-pack, a 10-pack, or a family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be very busy, it being his first time and all.

      That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parent's house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in." The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy still deep in prayer with his head down. Ten minutes pass and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to her boyfriend, "I had no idea you were so religious." The boy turns and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."

      Tags:
      • Dinner
      • Pharmacy
      • Boyfriend
      • Girlfriend
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    • How do you teach a blonde maths?

      Add a bed, subtract her knickers, divide her legs, enter your square root, leave your solution and hope she doesn't multiply!

      Tags:
      • Math
      • Blonde
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    • Al Gore and the Clintons are flying on Air Force One.

      Bill looks at Al, chuckles and says, "You know, I could throw a $10,000 bill out the window right now and make one person very happy."

      Al shrugs his stiff shoulders and says, "Well, I could throw ten $1,000 bills out the window and make 10 people very happy".

      Hillary tosses her perfectly sprayed hair and says, "Of course, then, I could throw one-hundred $100 bills out the window and make a hundred people very happy."

      Chelsea rolls her eyes, looks at all of them and says, "I could throw all of you out the window and make the whole country happy."

      Tags:
      • Al Gore
      • Air Force
      • Bill Clinton
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    • How do you get a parrot to speak?
      Put it on an 89 bus.

      [Speke is an area of Liverpool... this works only as a spoken joke, in the St Helens/Liverpool area.]

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    • A sinking ship's Captain: "Does anyone know how to pray?"

      A priest says he can pray.

      Captain: "Ok priest, you pray. Everyone else will wear a life jacket. We are short of one."

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    • Speaking of airports in Germany, the one servicing the Hamburg area is known to be staffed by a rather snooty ground control crew. They expect you to know exactly where to go and what to do, which may lead to frustration on the part of aircraft captains new to the route. This is the account of one such flight in particular, concerning a senior captain ...

      "Tower, British Airways one-seven, completed rollout, awaiting further instructions."

      "British Airways one-seven, this is Hamburg ground, clear to taxi to Gate Seven."

      "Roger, Hamburg ground, request directions to Gate Seven."

      "British Airways one-seven, have you never been to Hamburg before?"

      "Yes, a number of times, Hamburg ground, in 1944, but we did not stop!"

      Tags:
      • Airport
      • Germany
      • Directions
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    • A lawyer cross-examined the adversary's main witness. "You claim to have stopped by Mrs. Edwards' house just after breakfast. Will you tell the jury what she said?"

      "Objection, your honor," shouted the other lawyer.

      There then followed a long argument between the lawyers as to whether the question was proper. Finally, after 45 minutes, the judge allowed it.

      "So," the first lawyer continued, "Please answer the question: What did Mrs. Edwards say when you went to her house after breakfast on December 3rd?"

      "Nothing," said the witness. "No one was home."

      Tags:
      • Judge
      • Lawyer
      • Witness
      • Breakfast
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    • Teacher: "I told you to write this poem out 10 times to improve your handwriting and you've only done it 7 times?"

      Little Johnny: "Looks like my counting isn't too good either!"

      Tags:
      • Counting
      • Little Johnny
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    • A preacher was completing a temperance sermon: with great expression he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."

      With even greater emphasis, he said, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."

      And then, finally, he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river." He sat down.

      The song leader then stood very cautiously and announced with a pleasant smile, "For our closing song, let us sing Hymn #365: 'Shall We Gather At the River.'"

      Tags:
      • Beer
      • Wine
      • River
      • Sermon
      • Priest
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    • A blonde walks into a shop and gets one of the staff to help her find a TV. She finds one and says: "Can I buy that TV please?"

      Staff guy: "No I don't serve blondes!"

      Blonde: "Wait here!" She runs of, dyes her hair black and comes back in and says: "Can I buy that TV please?"

      Staff guy: "No I don't serve blondes!"

      Now the blonde is getting confused so she goes and dyes her hair red and comes back in and says: "Can I buy that TV please?"

      Staff guy: "No I don't serve blondes!"

      Blonde: "Why do you keep on calling me a blonde?"

      Staff guy: "Because that's not a TV that's a microwave!"

      Tags:
      • Blonde
      • Microwave
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    • A blonde, a redhead, and a brunette went into a farm to steal chickens. The police were nearby and they heard them and came in. The girls quickly jumped into three potato sacks so they wouldn't be seen.

      One policeman kicked the sack with the redhead, and she said "meow" pretending to be a cat.

      He kicked the second one with the brunette, and she said "ruff", pretending to be a dog.

      When he kicked the third sack with the blonde, she said "potatoes".

      Tags:
      • Blonde
      • Police
      • Potato
      • Chicken
      • Redhead
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    • How do you confuse a blonde?

      Put her in a circular room and tell her to sit in the corner.

      How does a blonde confuse you?

      She comes out and says she did it.

      Tags:
      • Blonde
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    • The man told his doctor that he wasn't able to do all the things around the house that he used to do. When the examination was complete, he said: "Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me."

      "Well, in plain English," the doctor replied, "you're just lazy."

      "Okay," said the man. "Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife."

      Tags:
      • Lazy
      • Wife
      • Doctor
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    • Three young women in there thirties are on a road trip and are tearing down the freeway. unfortunately, they lose control, the car flips over the guard rail on to the opposite lanes and gets smashed by an eighteen wheeler.

      Up at the pearly gates, all three of them are greeted by St. Peter. He tells them. "All of you led very good lives down on earth, so all of you will be admitted into paradise. The only rule: DON'T STEP ON THE DUCKS."

      Confused, they all ask "Um ... what?"

      St. Peter says "If you step on one duck, it quacks. If a duck quacks, other ducks will start quacking, and ... well ... you'll see."

      With that, the gates opened and the three waltzed inside. And, sure enough, All of heaven is covered with ducks. there is almost no room to walk with the millions of ducks.

      A day of careful stepping later, the first woman steps on a duck. Seconds later, every single duck in heaven is quacking. It's so loud the women aren't surprised if Earth could hear it. Hours later, when the quacking ceased, an angel appears with a very ugly man and chains him to the lady and tells her this is her eternal punishment for the duck-stepping.

      Not wanting the same fate, the other two women become very cautious for the next week, but sure enough, the second lady steps on a duck.

      She gets the same punishment as the first lady.

      The third lady becomes so careful that, a year-and-a-half later, she is still duck-free. Then, an angel appears next to her with a very handsome man and chains him to her.

      Thinking that this must be a reward for her good-doing she asks the man gleefully "What did I do to deserve this?"

      And the man replies with a grimace, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck."

      Tags:
      • Duck
      • Heaven
      • Paradise
      • St. Peter
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    • A husband walks into the bedroom holding two aspirin and a glass of water.

      His wife asks, "What's that for?" "It's for your headache." "I don't have a headache."

      He replies, "Gotcha!"

      Tags:
      • Wife
      • Aspirin
      • Bedroom
      • Husband
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    • At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated:

      "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."

      In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating (by Mr. Welch himself):

      "If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:

      1) For no reason whatsoever your car would crash twice a day.
      2) Every time they painted new lines on the road you would have to buy a new car.
      3) Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive on.
      4) Occasionally, executing a manoeuvre such as a left turn, would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
      5) Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought 'Car95' or 'CarNT'. But then you would have to buy more seats.
      6) Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, reliable, five times as fast, and twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five percent of the roads.
      7) The oil, water temperature and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single "general car default" warning light.
      8) New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.
      9) The airbag system would say "Are you sure?" before going off.
      10) Occasionally for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key, and grab hold of the radio antenna.
      11) GM would also require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither need them nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the car's performance to diminish by 50% or more. Moreover, GM would become a target for investigation by the Justice Department.
      12) Every time GM introduced a new model car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
      13) You'd press the "start" button to shut off the engine."

      Tags:
      • Car
      • Computer
      • Microsoft
      • Bill Gates
      • Technology
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    • A woman was paying for some items in a supermarket - a pint of milk, a packet of bacon, a small bag of rice and a few vegetables. The man at the checkout said, "I bet you're single, aren't you?"

      "Well yes, I am," the woman replied. "How did you know?"

      "Because you're really ugly," replied the man.

      Tags:
      • Ugly
      • Vegetable
      • Supermarket
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    • Oprah went to her psychiatrist. The guy was sort of unconventional and sometimes told her to do bizarre things. Today he told her to strip down naked and get on all fours in his office. She complied. He then told her to crawl on over under the window near his plant. She wondered why, but did it. He then asked her to crawl over near the corner by his book shelf, which she did. After he kept telling her to crawl naked in various places in his office and her knees were getting rug burns, she finally asked him, "Doctor, is this some sort of new therapy?" He said, "No Oprah, it's just that I'm getting a new brown leather couch tomorrow and I want to see where I should put it."

      Tags:
      • Psychiatry
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    • The boss at the pub went up to the bartender and asked, "Have you been fooling around with the waitress?!"

      "Oh no, sir, I sure haven't," replied the bartender.

      The boss replied, "Good, then you fire her!"

      Tags:
      • Bar
      • Bar
      • Boss
      • Fire
      • Waitress
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    • A little boy goes to his father and asks "Daddy, how was I born?"

      The father answers: "Well son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway.

      Your mum and I got together in a chat room at Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your mum and we met up at cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, I upgraded my floppy disk to a stiffy and then your mum agreed to do a download from my hard drive.

      As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later, a blessed little pop-up appeared and said:

      'You've got Male!'"

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    • Teacher: "If I gave you three rabbits today and five rabbits tomorrow, how many rabbits would you have?"

      Little Johnny: "Nine."

      Teacher: "That's not right, you'd have eight."

      Little Johnny: "No, Teacher, I'd have nine. I already have one rabbit at home!"

      Tags:
      • Little Johnny
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    • A guy was walking around the office Christmas party belting down drink after drink. But every ten or fifteen minutes, he reached into his shirt pocket, pulled something out, took a look at it, then put it back in his pocket.

      Finally, a friend came up to him and said: "George, I've been watching you all night, and I have to ask what's in your shirt pocket?"

      "It's a picture of my wife."

      "Why do you keep looking at it?"

      "Because," George replied: "When she finally starts looking good, it's time to go home!"

      Tags:
      • Christmas
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    • A keen country lad applied for a salesman's job at a city department store. In fact it was the biggest store in the world - you could get anything there.

      The boss asked him,"Have you ever been a salesman before?"

      "Yes, I was a salesman in the country" said the lad.

      The boss liked the cut of him and said, "You can start tomorrow and I'll come and see you when we close up."

      The day was long and arduous for the young man, but finally 5 o'clock came around. The boss duly fronted up and asked, "How many sales did you make today?"

      "One" said the young salesman.

      "Only one" blurted the boss, "Most of my staff make 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale worth?"

      "Three hundred thousand, three hundred and thirty four dollars," said the young man.

      "How did you manage that?" asked the flabbergasted boss.

      "Well" said the salesman "this man came in and I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium hook and finally a really large hook. Then I sold him a small fishing line, a medium one and a huge big one. I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast. I said he would probably need a boat, so I took him down to the boat department and sold him that twenty foot schooner with the twin engines. Then he said his Volkswagen probably wouldn't be able to pull it, so I took him to the car department and sold him the new Deluxe Cruiser."

      The boss took two steps back and asked in astonishment, "You sold all that to a guy who came in for a fish hook?"

      "No" answered the salesman "He came in to buy a box of Tampons for his wife and I said to him, You're weekend's shot, you may as well go fishing."

      Tags:
      • Salesman
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    • A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.

      The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.

      The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah."

      The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"

      The little girl replied, "Then you ask him"

      Tags:
      • Girl
      • Hell
      • Whale
      • Heaven
      • Teacher
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    • A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office.

      After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don't follow my instructions carefully, your husband will surely die.

      Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him.

      Don't burden him with chores. Don't discuss your problems with him; it will only make his stress worse. Do not nag him.

      If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely."

      On the way home, the husband asked his wife,"What did the doctor say?"

      "He said you're going to die,"she replied.

      Tags:
      • Breakfast
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    • A mathematician and a physicist were asked the following question: Suppose you walked by a burning house and saw a hydrant and a hose not connected to the hydrant. What would you do?

      P: I would attach the hose to the hydrant, turn on the water, and put out the fire.
      M: I would attach the hose to the hydrant, turn on the water, and put out the fire.

      Then they were asked this question: Suppose you walked by a house and saw a hose connected to a hydrant. What would you do?

      P: I would keep walking, as there is no problem to solve.
      M: I would disconnect the hose from the hydrant and set the house on fire, reducing the problem to a previously solved form.

      Tags:
      • Fire
      • Math
      • Water
      • Physics
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    • A ventriloquist comes onto the stage with his dummy and starts his act. One bit requires his dummy to tell Dumb-Blonde Jokes. After a few jokes, an angry blonde woman finally stands up and starts speaking her mind.

      "I have had it with the stereotyping of all blondes being stupid!" the woman yells, and she continues ranting on about this.

      Finally, the ventriloquist says, "Sorry ma'am ..."

      The woman cuts him off by saying, "You stay out of this. I'm talkin' to the dummy."

      Tags:
      • Blonde
      • Ventriloquist
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    • You enter the laboratory and see an experiment. How will you know which class is it?

      If it's green and wiggles, it's biology.
      If it stinks, it's chemistry.
      If it doesn't work, it's physics.

      Tags:
      • Biology
      • Physics
      • Chemistry
      • Experiment
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    • A young man excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and that he is going to get married. He says, Just for fun, "Ma, I'm going to bring over 3 women and you try and guess which one I'm going to marry." The mother agrees.

      The next day, he brings three beautiful women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while.

      He then says: "Okay, Ma, guess which one I'm going to marry."

      She immediately replies: "The one on the right."

      "That's amazing, Ma. You're right. How did you know?"

      The mother replies," I didn't like her!"

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    • A man was taken for hearing, the Judge asks: "Why are you arrested?"

      He says: "For shopping early?"

      Judge: "Well, that's not a crime, anyway how early were you shopping?"

      He replies: "Before the vendor opened the shop!"

      Tags:
      • Shopping
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    • Am I more likely to get pregnant if my husband wears boxers rather than briefs?

      Yes, but you'll have an even better chance if he doesn't wear anything at all.

      Tags:
      • Husband
      • Pregnancy
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    • Jane: How long can you keep a chicken in the freezer?

      Mary: Usually up to about 3 months, Why?

      Jane: Well I put one in last night, and it was dead this morning.

      Tags:
      • Chicken
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    • At the height of a political corruption trial, the prosecuting attorney attacked a witness. "Isn't it true," he bellowed, "that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?"

      The witness stared out the window, as though he hadn't heard the question.

      "Isn't it true that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?" the lawyer repeated.

      The witness still did not respond.

      Finally, the judge leaned over and said, "Sir, please answer the question."

      "Oh," the startled witness said, "I thought he was talking to you."

      Tags:
      • Court
      • Judge
      • Lawyer
      • Witness
      • Politics
      • Corruption
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    • A rich Beverly Hills lady got very angry at her French maid. After a long list of stinging remarks about her shortcomings as a cook and housekeeper, she dismissed the maid.

      The maid, with her Gallic ancestry, couldn't allow such abuse to go unanswered. "Your husband considers me a better housekeeper and cook than you, Madam. He has told me himself."

      The rich woman just swallowed and said nothing.

      "And furthermore," the angry girl continued, "I am better in bed than you!"

      "And I suppose my husband told you that, too?"

      "No, Madam," said the maid. "Not your husband ... the mail man!"

      Tags:
      • Maid
      • Mail
      • France
      • Husband
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    • Why are all the unemployed in Palm Beach County, Florida sitting on the dock?

      An elections official said he needed help to count votes, and they all thought he said he needed help to count boats!

      Tags:
      • Boat
      • Apple
      • Florida
      • Election
      • Unemployed
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    • A man is sitting at the bar in his local tavern, furiously imbibing shots of whiskey. One of his friends happens to come into the bar and sees him.

      "Lou," says the shocked friend, "what are you doing? I've known you for over fifteen years, and I've never seen you take a drink before. What's going on?"

      Without even taking his eyes off his newly filled shot glass, the man replies, "My wife just ran off with my best friend."

      He then throws back another shot of whisky in one gulp.

      "But," says the other man, "I'm your best friend!"

      The man turns to his friend, looks at him through bloodshot eyes, smiles, and then slurs,

      "Not anymore! ... He is!"

      Tags:
      • Bar
      • Wife
      • Drinking
      • Whiskey
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    • A man suspected his wife was seeing another man, so he hired the famous Chinese detective, Chen Lee, to watch and report any activities while he was gone. A few days later, he received this report:

      Most honorable sir,

      You leave house.
      I watch house.
      He come to house. I watch.
      He and she leave house. I follow.
      He and she go in hotel. I climb tree.
      I look in window.
      He kiss she. She kiss he.
      He strip she. She strip he.
      He play with she. She play with he.
      I play with me. I fall off tree.
      I not see.

      No fee, Chen Lee.

      Tags:
      • China
      • Detective
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    • A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink.

      "Why of course," comes the reply.

      The first man then asks: "Where are you from?"

      "I'm from Ireland," replies the second man.

      The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland."

      "Of Course," replies the second man.

      Curious, the first man then asks: "Where in Ireland are you from?"

      "Dublin," comes the reply.

      "I can't believe it," says the first man. "I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin."

      "Of course," replies the second man.

      Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: "What school did you go to?"

      "Saint Mary's," replies the second man. "I graduated in '62."

      "This is unbelievable!" the first man says. "I went to Saint Mary's and I graduated in '62, too!"

      About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. "What's been going on?" he asks the bartender.

      "Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The O'Malley twins are drunk again."

      Tags:
      • Bar
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    • A third grade teacher always took role call each morning and had the pupils answer by reciting a short poem.

      The first kid sat in the first row was a teachers pet. He stood and said, "My name is Dan, and when I become a man, I would like to go to Japan if I can, and I think I can."

      The next kid was a little girl who sat in the middle of the room. She stood up and answered the roll call by stating, "My name is Suzy, and when I become a lady I would like to have a baby ... if I can, and I think I can."

      The next on the list was Little Johnny, a smart guy sitting in the back of the room. He stood up and said, "My name is Johnny, and I don't give a darn about Japan but I would like to help Suzy in her plan if I can ... and I think can!"

      Tags:
      • Baby
      • Teacher
      • Little Johnny
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    • A woman recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and brought his ashes home. Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on the counter.

      She started talking to him, and tracing her fingers in the ashes, she said, "You know that fur coat you promised me Irving?"

      She answered by saying, "I bought it with the insurance money!"

      She then said, "Irving, remember that new car you promised me?"

      She answered again saying, "Well, I bought it with the insurance money!"

      Still tracing her finger in the ashes, she said, "Irving remember that blow job I promised you?

      Here it comes ..."

      Tags:
      • Money
      • Husband
      • Cremation
      • Insurance
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    • One day a man went into a restaurant and ordered a bowl of soup. The waitress brought his order out to him on a tray with her middle finger immersed in the middle of his soup bowl.

      "What the hell's the idea of putting your finger in my soup bowl?" the man bellowed at the waitress.

      "My doctor said the best thing for my rheumatism was to keep my finger pressed in a warm damp place," the waitress informed him.

      "Oh yeah," the man shouted, "then why don't you take that finger of yours and shove it up your fat ass?"

      "I'm sorry sir the waitress replied, but I already tried that before I brought your soup out."

      Tags:
      • Waitress
      • Restaurant
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    • One day a rather inebriated ice fisherman drilled a hole in the ice and peered into the hole and a loud voice said, "There are no fish down there."

      He walked several yards away and drilled another hole and peered into the hole and again the voice said, "There's no fish down there."

      He then walked about 50 yards away and drilled another hole and again the voice said, "There's no fish down there."

      He looked up into the sky and asked, "God, is that you?"

      "No, you idiot," the voice said, "it's the rink manager."

      Tags:
      • God
      • Fish
      • Fishing
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    • Teacher: "Can you count to 10?"

      Little Johnny: "Yes, teacher-one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten."

      Teacher: "Now go on from there."

      Little Johnny: "Jack, Queen, King."

      Tags:
      • Counting
      • Little Johnny
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    • A doctor complains to his colleagues about the sanitary problems at a latex glove factory in Mexico.

      "Workers stick their hands in melted latex and then dip their hands in a vat of cooling water to solidify the latex. The glove is then thrown in a finished products box."

      His colleagues are disgusted by the lack of care taken in keeping the gloves sanitary.

      "That's not all," says the doctor. "You don't even want to know how they make their condoms!"

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    • On reaching his plane seat a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped in next to him. He asks the stewardess for a coffee where upon the parrot squawks "And get me a whisky you cow!" The stewardess, flustered, brings back a whisky for the parrot and forgets the coffee.

      When this omission is pointed out to her the parrot drains its glass and bawls "And get me another whisky you idiot". Quite upset, the girl comes back shaking with another whisky but still no coffee.

      Unaccustomed to such slackness the man tries the parrot's approach "I've asked you twice for a coffee, go and get it now or I'll kick you".

      The next moment, both he and the parrot have been wrenched up and thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly stewards. Plunging downwards the parrot turns to him and says "For someone who can't fly, you complain too much!"

      Tags:
      • Parrot
      • Whiskey
      • Airplane
      • Stewardess
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    • A guy walks into the doctor's office. There is a banana stuck in one of his ears, a cucumber in the other ear, and a carrot stuck in one nostril.

      The man says, "Doc, this is terrible. What's wrong with me?"

      The doctor says, "Well, first of all, you need to eat more sensibly."

      Tags:
      • Carrot
      • Doctor
      • Eating
      • Cucumber
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    • A man went into a lawyer's office, and demanded to see the lawyer. He was escorted into the lawyer's office.

      The man needed legal help, but he knew how expensive lawyers could be, so he inquired, "Can you tell me how much you charge?"

      "Of course", the lawyer replied, "I charge $500 to answer three questions."

      "Don't you think that's an awful lot of money to answer three questions?"

      "Yes it is", answered the lawyer, "What's your third question?"

      Tags:
      • Money
      • Lawyer
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    • One day, the phone rang, and a little boy answered.

      "May I speak to your parents?"
      "They're busy."
      "Oh. Is anybody else there?"
      "The police."
      "Can I speak to them?"
      "They're busy."
      "Oh. Is anybody else there?"
      "The firemen."
      "Can I speak to them?"
      "They're busy."

      "So let me get this straight - your parents, the police, and the firemen are there, but they're all busy? What are they doing?"

      "Lookin for me."

      Tags:
      • Police
      • Parent
      • Telephone
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    • Three men were taking a trip on a plane. When they get on the pilot tells the passengers not to throw anything out of the windows. The plane lifts off and they're on their way. On the plane the first man finds a pencil and wondering what to do with it. He is told by one of the other men to throw it out the window, so he does. Then the second guy finished his apple and wondering how to get rid of the core. He asks the other two men, they tell him to throw it out the window, so he does. Next the third man finds a grenade! Panicking he throws it out the window.

      After the plane had landed the three men were walking down the street when they came across a guy holding his eye. The three men asked him what happened, he said he had looked up in the sky and a pencil fell and hit him in the eye. So the three men continued down the street and they come across a man holding his head, the three ask him what's wrong? The man says that he was walking down the street and an apple core fell on his head! Feeling a little strange the men continue down the street when they come across a man holding his stomach laughing his head off! The three ask him what's so funny? The man replies, I farted and that building exploded!

      Tags:
      • Men
      • Pilot
      • Grenade
      • Airplane
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    • The secretary saw her boss pant's zip open.

      She tells him: "Sir your garage door is open."

      Boss: "Did you see my Ferrari?"

      Secretary: "I saw a small scooter with two punctured wheels."

      Tags:
      • Secretary
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    • The President was out walking on a beautiful snowy day, when he saw that somebody had urinated on the White House lawn to spell out "The President Sucks."

      Infuriated, he called on the secret service to figure out who had done it. In a few hours, they came to him and told him that there was some bad news and some worse news.

      "The bad news is that the urine is from the Vice President."

      "Al? How could you do this to me? What could be worse than this?"

      "The handwriting's the first lady's."

      Tags:
      • News
      • President
      • Urination
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    • Have you ever noticed that it's only 'perfect' people who are murdered or killed in horrific accidents?

      "He was the perfect son" or "She was the perfect daughter."
      "Such a tragic accident they were the perfect family."
      "They died together, the perfect couple till the end."

      Makes me glad I abuse my kids and beat up my wife. Makes me kind of immortal.

      Tags:
      • Daughter
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    • A little boy was attended his first wedding. After the service, his cousin asked him, "How many women can a man marry?"

      "Sixteen," the boy responded.

      His cousin was amazed that he had an answer so quickly. "How do you know that?"

      "Easy," the little boy said: "All you have to do is add it up, like the Bishop said: 4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer"

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    • Dodi and Diana wanted a wedding made in heaven ...

      Versace was sent up first to get the wedding gown and decorative preparations done for the occasion.

      Then D and D went on together.

      Mother Teresa went next to bless the couple.

      An invitation was sent to Elton John to sing at the service but somehow it was misdirected and went to John Denver instead.

      Tags:
      • Heaven
      • Wedding
      • Elton John
      • Lady Diana
      • Mother Teresa
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    • A lonely woman, aged 70, decided that it was time to get married. She put an ad in the local paper that read:

      HUSBAND WANTED!
      MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's),
      MUST NOT BEAT ME,
      MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME,
      AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!
      ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.

      On the second day she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a gray-haired gentleman with no arms or legs sitting in a wheelchair. The old woman said, "You're not really asking me to consider you, are you? Just look at you ... you have no legs!" The old man smiled, "Therefore I cannot run around on you!"

      She snorted. "You don't have any hands either!" Again the old man smiled, "Nor can I beat you!"

      She raised an eyebrow and gazed intently. "Are you still good in bed?" With that, the old gentleman leaned back, beamed a big broad smile and said, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"

      Tags:
      • Old People
      • Wheelchair
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    • A man and a woman were waiting at the hospital donation center.

      Man: "What are you doing here today?"

      Woman: "Oh, I'm here to donate some blood. They're going to give me $5 for it."

      Man: "Hmm, that's interesting. I'm here to donate sperm, myself. But they pay me $25."

      The woman looked thoughtful for a moment and they chatted some more before going their separate ways.

      Several months later, the same man and woman meet again in the donation center.

      Man: "Oh, hi there! Here to donate blood again?"

      Woman: [shaking her head with mouth closed] "Unh unh."

      Tags:
      • Blood
      • Semen
      • Hospital
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    • A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically,

      "Relatives of yours?"

      "Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."

      Tags:
      • Wife
      • Animal
      • Relationship
      • In law
      • Sarcastic
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    • A policeman pulls a driver over for swerving in and out of lanes on the highway. He tells the guy to blow into a breathalyzer.

      "I can't do that, officer, I'm an asthmatic. I could get an asthma attack if I blow into that tube."

      "OK, we'll just get a urine sample down at the station."

      "Can't do that either, officer. I'm a diabetic. I could get low blood sugar if I pee in a cup."

      "Alright, we could get a blood sample."

      "Can't do that either, officer. I'm a hemophiliac. If I give blood, I could die."

      "Fine then, just walk this white line."

      "Can't do that either, officer."

      "Why not?"

      "Because I'm drunk."

      Tags:
      • Drunk
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    • The tensions of life were threatening to get a strangle hold on Bill, and after he'd finished a good dinner, he relaxed mindlessly in a soft chair next to the stereo, with a stiff drink in his hand. His wife knew nothing of his nervous state, and she climbed onto his lap with the thought of trying to wheedle a fur coat out of him, and snuggled and murmured and fondled.

      "Good heavens, Ethel," he exploded, "get off of me! I get enough of this at the office."

      Tags:
      • Wife
      • Drinking
      • Office
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    • A man speaks frantically on phone, "My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"

      "Is this her first child?" the doctor queries.

      "No, you idiot!" the man shouts. "This is her husband!"

      Tags:
      • Wife
      • Doctor
      • Husband
      • Pregnancy
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    • I was recently riding with a friend of mine.

      We were coming to a red light, and he shoots right through it. I ask him, "Why'd you do that?" He tells me this is how his brother drives.

      We come to another red light, and again, he shoots right through it. I ask him, "Why'd you do that?" Again, he tells me this is how his brother drives.

      We come to a green light, and he slams on the brakes. My heart nearly goes into my throat. I shouted at him, "Why do you do that?!"

      He replied, "You never know, my brother could be coming the other way."

      Tags:
      • Brother
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    • "Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.

      "So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.

      "No," she replied, "but my husband refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the most legal evil thing I could do to him."

      Tags:
      • Husband
      • Shopping
      • Television
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    • Tammy bought a new book recently entitled "What Twenty Million American Women Want."

      Seeing the title, Doug grabbed the book out of her hand and started thumbing through the pages.

      Astonished and not just a little bit irritated, Tammy stared up at him and said, "What in the world are you doing?"

      Doug replies, "I just want to see if they've got my name spelled right."

      Tags:
      • Book
      • Women
      • America
      00
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    • A high-school sports fan takes his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They have a great time, and their team wins. After the game, he asks his girlfriend how she enjoyed the experience. She says, "I loved it. The hot guys, the tight pants, but it made no sense to me." Confused, her boyfriend asks, "What confused you? It's pretty simple." She replies, "At the beginning of the game, they flip a quarter to see who gets the ball first. Then, the whole game they're shouting 'Get the quarterback, get the quarterback!' I mean, hellllooooo, it's just 25 cents!"

      Tags:
      • Football
      • Boyfriend
      • Girlfriend
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    • A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide."

      The pharmacist asked: "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

      The lady replied: "I need it to poison my husband."

      The pharmacist's eyes got big and he explained, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband, that's against the law? I'll lose my licence! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You cannot have any cyanide!"

      The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

      The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied: "You didn't tell me you had a prescription!"

      Tags:
      • Pharmacy
      • Prescription
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    • Johnny was in the playground with his friend Jimmy, when he noticed the brand new shiny watch Jimmy was wearing.

      "Did you get that for your birthday?" He asked.

      "No!" Jimmy replied.

      "Well did you get it for Christmas then?" Johnny asked.

      "No!".

      "You didn't steal it, did you?"

      "No!" said Jimmy.

      "I went into Mom and Dad's bedroom the other night when they 'doing the nasty'. Dad gave me his watch to get rid of me."

      Johnny was extremely impressed with this idea, and extremely jealous of Jimmy's new watch.

      He vowed to get one for himself. That night he waited outside his parents' room until he heard the unmistakable noises of lovemaking.

      Johnny swung the door wide open and boldly strode into the bedroom. His father, caught in mid stroke, turned and asked him angrily: "What do you want now?"

      "I cannot sleep there's water in my bed". Johnny replied.

      Without missing a stroke, his father said: "Fine! Stand at the corner keep quiet and wait!".

      Tags:
      • Birthday
      • Christmas
      00
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    • During class lessons a sky-diving instructor had lots of stupid first-timer questions from his students of which he took time to answer.

      One guy asked, "If our chute doesn't open, and the reserve doesn't open, how long do we have until we hit the ground?"

      Our jump master looked at him and in perfect deadpan and answered, "The rest of your life."

      Since then, most students had to call it emergency graduation!

      00
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    • A couple whose marriage was going on the rocks sought the advice of a marriage counsellor. The counsellor pleaded with them to patch up their quarrel, but they were adamant.

      "So," said the counsellor, "you know the consequences and you want to part. Remember this. You must divide your property equally."

      The wife flared up. "You mean the $4,000 I have saved up? I must give him half? My money?"

      "Yes," said the counsellor. "He gets $2,000. You get $2,000."

      "What about my furniture? I paid for that."

      "Same thing," answered the counsellor. "Your husband gets the bedroom and the living room; you get the dining room and the kitchen."

      There was a challenging gleam in the wife's eye. "What about our three children?"

      That stumped him. Shrewdly he assayed the situation, then he came up with a Solomonic answer. "Go back and live together until your fourth
      child is born. Then you take two children and your husband takes two."

      The wife shook her head. "No, I'm sure that wouldn't work out. If I depended on him, I wouldn't have the three I got."

      Tags:
      • Wife
      • Money
      • Relationship
      • Children
      • Marriage
      • Furniture
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    • Don't LOOK at anything in a physics lab.
      Don't TASTE anything in a chemistry lab.
      Don't SMELL anything in a biology lab.
      Don't TOUCH anything in a medical lab.

      and, most importantly:

      Don't LISTEN to anything in a philosophy department.

      Tags:
      • Chemistry
      • Philosophy
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    • "Daddy," a little girl asked her father, "do all fairy tales begin with 'Once upon a time'? "

      "No, sweetheart," he answered. "Some begin with 'If I am elected.'"

      Tags:
      • Fairy
      • Sweetheart
      00
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    • How do you know that the driver driving toward you is a physicist?

      He has a red sticker on his bumper, saying: "If this sticker is blue, you are driving too fast."

      Tags:
      • Driving
      • Physics
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    • Ben invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful Ben's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between Ben and his roommate and this only made her more curious.

      Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Ben and the roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, Ben volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Allison and I are just roommates."

      About a week later, Allison came to Ben and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"

      Ben said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure."

      So he sat down and wrote: "Dear Mother, I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner."

      Several days later, Ben received a letter from his mother which read:

      "Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Allison, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Allison. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom"

      Tags:
      • Sleep
      • Mother
      • Roommate
      • Relationship
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    • How many socialists does it take to change a light bulb?

      One to petition the Ministry of Light for a bulb, fifty to establish the state production quota, two hundred militia to force the factory unions to allow production of the bulb, and one to surreptitiously order an American light bulb.

      Tags:
      • America
      • Socialism
      00
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    • One Day the Devil challenged the Lord to a baseball game.

      Smiling the Lord proclaimed, "You don't have a chance, I've got Babe Ruth, Mickey Mantle, and all the greatest players up here."

      "Yes", laughed the devil, "but I have all the umpires!"

      Tags:
      • Satan
      • Baseball
      00
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    • Carlson was charged with stealing a Mercedes Benz, and after a long trial, the jury acquitted him. Later that day Carlson came back to the judge who had presided at the hearing.

      "Your honor," he said, "I wanna get out a warrant for my dirty lawyer."

      "Why?" asked the judge. "He won your acquittal. Why do you want to arrest him?"

      "Well, your honor," replied Carlson, "I didn't have the money to pay his fee, so he went and took the car I stole."

      Tags:
      • Car
      • Lawyer
      • Mercedes
      • Stealing
      00
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    • A guy walks into a bar and demands to know "Who's the strongest in here?"

      The toughest guy looks at him and says "I am the strongest around here!"

      The other guy politely asks "Can you help me push my car to the gas station?"

      Tags:
      • Bar
      • Car
      • Strength
      00
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    • Sheri, the pert and pretty nurse took her troubles to a resident psychiatrist in the hospital where she worked. "Doctor, you must help me", she pleaded. "It's gotten so that every time I date one of the young doctors here, I end up dating him. And then afterward, I feel guilty and depressed for a week."

      "I see", nodded the psychiatrist. "And you, no doubt, want me to strengthen your will power and resolve in this matter".

      "No!" exclaimed the nurse. "I want you to fix it so I won't feel guilty and depressed afterward!"

      Tags:
      • Nurse
      • Dating
      • Doctor
      • Hospital
      • Strength
      • Psychiatry
      00
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    • How many managers does it take to change a light bulb?

      1) "I want a detailed memo about this issue till tomorrow's morning."
      2) "You were supposed to have changed that light bulb last week!"
      3) "We haven't got a policy on that".
      4) "I am on my way to a very important meeting, so we'll discuss it some other time."
      5) Three. Two to find out if it needs changing, and one to tell an employee to change it.

      Tags:
      • Manager
      • Lightbulb
      • Office
      00
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    • Two engineering students meet on campus one day.

      The first engineer calls out to the other, "Hey nice bike! Where did you get it?"

      "Well," replies the other, "I was walking to class the other day when this pretty, young coed rides up on this bike. She jumps off, takes off all of her clothes, and says 'You can have anything you want!'"

      "Good choice," says the first, "her clothes wouldn't have fit you anyway."

      Tags:
      • Bicycle
      • Student
      • Engineer
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    • A man has a heart attack and is brought to the hospital emergency room. The doctor tells him that he will not live unless he has a heart transplant right away. Another doctor runs into the room and says, "you're in luck, two hearts just became available, so you will get to choose which one you want. One belongs to lawyer and the other to a social worker".

      The man quickly responds, "the lawyer's".

      The doctor says, "Wait! Don't you want to know a little about them before you make your decision?"

      The man says, "I already know enough. We all know that social workers are bleeding hearts and the lawyer's probably never used his. So I'll take the attorney's!"

      Tags:
      • Heart
      • Doctor
      • Lawyer
      • Blood
      • Hospital
      00
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    • A customer at a supermarket asked Ranjeet, the shelf packer if he could buy half a cucumber.

      Ranjeet, went to his boss and told him: "There is an idiot who wants 1/2 a cucumber".

      Unfortunately the customer had followed him and was standing right behind him. When Ranjeet realised this, he quickly added "Oh and this gentleman wants the other 1/2".

      Later the boss said he was very impressed by his fast thinking and asked him where he came from.

      "I come from Chatsworth" Ranjeet replied and quickly added "Nothing much comes from there except musicians and prostitutes."

      To which the boss said: "Oh really? My wife comes from Chatsworth".

      The quick response from Ranjeet was: "Is that so? What instrument does she play?"

      Tags:
      • Music
      • Cucumber
      • Supermarket
      • Prostitution
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    • After a particularly poor game of golf, a popular club member skipped the clubhouse and started to go home. As he was walking to the parking lot to get his car, a policeman stopped him and asked, "Did you tee off on the sixteenth hole about twenty minutes ago?"

      "Yes," the golfer responded.

      "Did you happen to hook your ball so that it went over the trees and off the course?" the cop asked.

      "Yes, I did. How did you know?" the golfer asked.

      "Well," said the policeman very seriously, "Your ball flew out onto the highway and crashed through a driver's windshield. The car went out of control, crashing into five other cars and a fire truck. The fire truck couldn't make it to the fire, and the building burned down. So, what are you going to do about it?"

      The golfer thought it over carefully and responded, "I think I'll close my stance a little bit, tighten my grip and lower my right thumb."

      Tags:
      • Golf
      • Police
      • Clubhouse
      • Windshield
      00
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    • Computer games don't affect kids. If Pacman would have affected us as children, we would now run around in darkened rooms, munching pills and listening to repetitive music.

      Tags:
      • Children
      • Children
      • Computer
      00
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    • "Mommy, Mommy! Can Sheldon come out and play baseball with us?"

      "You already know your little brother has no arms and legs!"

      "Yeah, we know. We just wanna use him for second base."

      Tags:
      • Baseball
      00
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    • The Reverend Billy Graham tells of a time early in his ministry when he arrived in a small town to preach a sermon.

      Wanting to mail a letter, he asked a young boy where the post office was.

      When the boy had told him, Dr. Graham thanked him and said, "If you'll come to the Church this evening, you can hear me telling everyone how to get to Heaven."

      "I don't think I'll be there," the boy said. "You don't even know your way to the post office."

      Tags:
      • Small town
      • Post Office
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    • A woman goes to the hospital, and her doctor gives her a sonogram.

      He sees the baby and suddenly the baby says: "Are you my daddy?"

      The doctor is shocked and goes to get another doctor, who looks at the sonogram.

      The baby says again: "Are you my daddy?"

      The doctor says: "No, I'm not your father."

      They go to get the dad, the father looks at his baby boy and the baby asked: "Are you my daddy?"

      And the father says: "Yes, I am!"

      So, the baby pops out of the mother's womb, picks up his hand, and starts poking the father in the head while saying: "How do you like that?! How do you like that?!"

      Tags:
      • Baby
      • Father
      • Hospital
      • Doctor Who
      00
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    • A girl comes home and says to her boyfriend: "I have just had a tattoo of a sea shell on the inside of my leg at the top."

      Her boyfriend gets his head between her legs and puts his ear to the tattoo and listens to the sea. "That's brilliant," he said "you can also smell the fish market!"

      Tags:
      • Fish
      • Tattoo
      • Boyfriend
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    • An elderly couple is going to their doctor for a checkup. The man goes in first. "How're you doing?" asks the doctor. "Pretty good," answers the old man. "I'm eating well, and I'm still in control of my bowels and bladder. In fact, when I get up at night to pee, the good Lord turns the light on for me."

      The doctor decides not to comment on that last statement, and goes into the next room to check on the man's wife. "How're you feeling?" he asks. "I'm doing well," answers the old woman. "I still have lots of energy and I'm not feeling any pain." The doctor says, "That's nice. It sounds like you and your husband are both doing well.

      One thing though - your husband said that when he gets up to pee at night, the good Lord turns the light on for him. Do you have any idea what he means?" "Oh No," says the woman, "He's peeing in the refrigerator again."

      Tags:
      • Doctor
      • Husband
      • Urination
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    • If a couple living together for two years in the state of Tennessee decide to relocate to the state of West Virginia, where they get married, have three children over a seven year period, and then decide to divorce, if after the man moves back to the state of Tennessee, can the couple thereafter still be referred to as brother and sister?

      Tags:
      • Relationship
      • Divorce
      • Children
      • Virginia
      • Tennessee
      • West Virginia
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    • A butcher is leaning on the counter toward the close of day when a dog with a basket in its jaws comes pushing through the door.

      "An' wot's this then?" he asked. The dog knocks the basket sharply into the butcher's shins.

      "You dumb dog." As he reaches down to smack the dog, he notices a note and a ten dollar bill in the basket.

      The scribble on the note asks for three pounds of his best mince [ground beef]. The butcher figures this is too easy. He goes to the window and reaches for the dried up stuff that's been sitting out all day.

      The dog growls at him. The butcher turns around and, glaring at the pup, gets the best mince from the fridge. Weighing out about 2 1/2 pounds, he drops in on the scale with his thumb.

      "Hmmmmm, a bit shy. Who'll know?"

      Again, the dog growls menacingly. "Alright, alright," as he throws on a generous half pound. He wraps it out, drops it in the basket, and drops in change from a five. The dog threatens to chew him off at the ankles. Another five goes in the basket.

      The butcher is quite impressed and decides to follow the pup home. The dog quickly enters a high-rise buildings, pushes the lift button, enters the lift, and then pushes the button for the 12th floor. The dog walks down the corridor and smartly bangs the basket on the door. The door opens, and the dog's owner screams at the dog.

      "Hey, what are you doing? That's a really smart dog you've got there," comments the butcher.

      "He's a stupid dog - that's the third time this week he's forgotten his key."

      Tags:
      • Dog
      • Butcher
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    • "It's clear" said the teacher, "That you haven't studied your geography. What's your excuse?"

      "Well, my dad says the world is changing every day. So I decided to wait until it settles down!"

      Tags:
      • Geography
      00
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    • One day a man is watering his garden and notices two hearst drive by followed by a man, a dog and a long single file of men that could easily be a mile long.

      Curious he decides to talk to the man leading the way.
      "Excuse me" he says "who is the person in the first hearst?""My wife" he answered.

      "Sorry to hear that. How did she die?" he asked.
      "My dog bit her".
      "and who's in the second hearst?"
      "My Mother in Law"
      "How did she die?"
      "My dog bit her".
      Astonished at this the man asked "May I borrow your dog?"
      "Get in line"

      Tags:
      • Mother In Law
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    • Two men Tom and Paul are chatting as they work.

      Tom says: "I've been attending night classes for 5 months now and I have an exam next week."

      Paul: "Ooh!"

      Tom: "For example, do you know who is Graham Bell?"

      Paul: "No."

      Tom: "He's the inventor of the phone in 1876. If you take night courses you would know this."

      The next day, the same discussion took place.

      Tom: "Do you know who Alexander Dumas is?"

      Paul: "No."

      Tom: "He's the author of 'The 3 Musketeers'! If you take night courses, you would know this."

      The next day, once again:

      Tom: "And do you know who Jean Jacques Rousseau is?"

      Paul: "No"

      Tom: "He's the author of 'Confessions', if you take night courses, you would know this."

      This time, Paul got irritated and said: "And you, do you know who John Smith is?"

      Tom: "No"

      Paul: "He's the guy roaming with your wife! If you stop night courses, you would know!"

      Tags:
      • Confession
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    • A social worker is facing a mugger with a gun. "Your money or your life!" says the mugger.

      "I'm sorry," the social worker answers, "I am a social worker, so I have no money and no life."

      Tags:
      • Money
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    • A lady goes into the local sporting goods store to buy a fishing rod to give to her husband for his birthday.

      A salesman wearing dark glasses with a dog is behind the counter and asks, "Can I help you ma'am?"

      "Well, I'd like to buy a fishing rod, can you tell me about this one?" she answers.

      The salesman replies, "I'm sorry ma'am but I am blind and can not see the rod your referring too. However, if you'll drop it on the counter I'll tell you all about it as I can tell from the sound it makes."

      The lady picks up the rod, and does what he says and drops it on the counter.

      He belts "That's a Zebco 2500, fiberglass, 6.5', medium action - $15."

      Lady - "Wow!" She finds another and does the same.

      "That's an Orion 35 C, graphite, 6', light action - best used with ultralight tackle - $20."

      Very impressed the lady decides to buy the second one.

      As the man is ringing up the sale, the lady makes a rather large noise as she passes gas but feels no need to apologize as the salesman is blind and has no idea who she is.

      Salesman says, "That'll be $25."
      "TWENTY FIVE DOLLARS!? YOU SAID $20?"
      "That's right mam, $20 for the rod, $3 for the duck call, and $2 for the fish bait."

      Tags:
      • Birthday
      • Salesman
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    • A blind man and his seeing eye dog walked into a store. When he gets in, he starts swinging his dog around.

      Upset by this, the manager of the store demanded to know what he was doing.

      The blind man calmly replied, "I'm just lookin' around."

      Tags:
      • Dog
      • Manager
      • Blindness
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    • How many Marxists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

      1) The light bulb contains the seeds of its own revolution.
      2) The light bulb cannot be changed - it has to be smashed.

      Tags:
      • Revolution
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    • In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.

      In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.

      In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.

      Tags:
      • Marriage
      • Neighbor
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    • A police officer, though scheduled for all-night duty at the station, was relieved of duty early and arrived home four hours ahead of schedule, at 2 in the morning.

      Not wanting to wake his wife, he undressed in the dark, crept into the bedroom and started to climb into bed. Just then, his wife "sleepily" sat up and said, "Honey, would you go down to the all-night drug store on the next block and get me some aspirin? I've got a splitting headache."

      "Certainly, honey," he said. Feeling his way across the dark room, he got dressed and walked over to the drug store. As he arrived, the pharmacist looked up in surprise, "Say," said the pharmacist, "I know you - aren't you a policeman? Officer Fenwick, right?"

      "Yeah, sure. So?" said the officer.

      "Well, what the heck are you doing all dressed up like the Fire Chief?"

      Tags:
      • Police
      • Pharmacy
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    • Three men are trapped on an island. They find a genie's lamp and agree they will each get a wish.

      The first man wishes he was 25% smarter, then he swims off the island.

      The second man wishes he was 50% smarter, then he cut down the tree, made a boat, and rowed off the island.

      The third man wished he was 100% smarter, then he walked across the bridge.

      Tags:
      • Men
      • Wish
      • Genie
      • Bridge
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    • The teacher of the Earth science class was lecturing on map reading.

      After explaining about latitude, longitude, degrees and minutes the teacher asked, "Suppose I asked you to meet me for lunch at 23 degrees, 4 minutes north latitude and 45 degrees, 15 minutes east longitude?"

      After a confused silence, a voice volunteered, "I guess you'd be eating alone."

      Tags:
      • Eating
      • Science
      • Teacher
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    • A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart's birthday and as they had not been dating very long, after careful consideration, he decided a pair of gloves would strike the right note: romantic but not too personal. Accompanied by his sweetheart's younger sister, he went to Nordstrom's and bought a pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a pair of panties for herself. During the wrapping, the clerk mixed up the items and the sister got the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties. Without checking the contents, the young man sealed the package and sent it to his sweetheart with the following note:

      "I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons but she wears short ones that are easier to remove. These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they are hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart. I wish I were there to put them on for you the first time as no doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again. When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year!

      All my love.

      P. S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing."

      Tags:
      • Birthday
      • Sweetheart
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    • If you had purchased $1000.00 of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be worth $49.00.

      With Enron, you would have $16.50 left of the original $1000.

      With World Com, you would have less than $5.00 left.

      If you had purchased $1000.00 of Delta Airlines stock you would have $49.00 left.

      If you had purchased United Airlines, you would have nothing left.

      But, if you had purchased $1000.00 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the cans for recycling, you would have $214.07.

      Based on the above, the best current investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle.

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    • Vacationing in Hawaii, two priests decide to wear casual clothes so they won't be identified as clergy. They buy Hawaiian shirts and sandals, and soon head for the beach.

      They notice a gorgeous blonde in a tiny bikini. "Good afternoon, Fathers" she says as she strolls by.

      The men are stunned. How does she know they are clergy? Later that day, they buy even wilder attire consisting of surfer shorts, tie dyed T-shirts, and dark glasses.

      The next day, they return to the beach. The same fabulous blond, now wearing a string bikini, passes by, nods politely at them and says, "Good morning Fathers."

      "Just a minute young lady.", says one of the priests. "We are priests and proud of it, but how in the world did you know?"

      The blonde replies, "Don't you recognize me? I'm sister Katherine from the convent."

      Tags:
      • Beach
      • Bikini
      • Blonde
      • Hawaii
      • Priest
      • Vacation
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    • A man walks into a bar and asks for the strongest drink they have.
      the bartender says to the man 'bad day, huh?'
      the man replies, 'yeah, I just found out my oldest son is gay'

      the next day the man walks into the bar again and asks for a double of what he had the last time the bartender goes 'bad day again mate?'

      the man replies 'yep, just found out my youngest son is gay'

      a week after this the man walks into the bar again and asks for triple of his last drink the bartender is shocked and asks 'doesn't anyone in your family like chicks?'

      'YEAH' says the man, 'MY WIFE!'

      Tags:
      • Bar
      • Strength
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    • Mrs. Peterson phoned the repairman because her dishwasher quit working. He couldn't accommodate her with an "after-hours" appointment and since she had to go to work, she told him, "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dish washer, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a check. By the way, I have a large rottweiler inside named Killer; he won't bother you. I also have a parrot, and whatever you do, do not talk to the bird!"

      Well, sure enough the dog, Killer, totally ignored the repairman, but the whole time he was there, the parrot cursed, yelled, screamed, and about drove him nuts.

      As he was ready to leave, he couldn't resist saying, "You stupid bird, why don't you shut up!"

      To which the bird replied, "Killer, get him!"

      Tags:
      • Dog
      • Bird
      • Parrot
      • Repairman
      • Dishwasher
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    • A Televangelist a Rabbi and a Hindu holy man, had car trouble in the countryside and asked to spend the night with a farmer. The farmer said: "There might be a problem; you see, I only have room for two to sleep, so one of you must sleep in the barn."

      "No problem," chimed the Rabbi, "My people wandered in the desert for forty years, I am humble enough to sleep in the barn for an evening." With that he departed to the barn and the others bedded down for the night. Moments later a knock was heard at the door; the farmer opened the door, there stood the Rabbi from the barn. "What's wrong?" asked the farmer. The Rabbi replied, "I am grateful to you, but I can't sleep in the barn. There is a pig in the barn and my faith believes that this is an unclean animal."

      His Hindu friend agrees to swap places with him. But a few minutes later the same scene reoccurs. There is a knock on the door, "What's wrong, now?" the farmer asks. The Hindu holy man replies, "I too am grateful for your helping us out but there is a cow in the barn and in my country cows are considered sacred. I can't sleep on holy ground!"

      Well, that leaves only the Televangelist to make the change. He grumbled and complained, but went out to the barn. Yep, you guessed it! Moments later there was another knock on the farmers door. Frustrated and tired, the farmer opens the door, and there stood the pig and the cow.

      Tags:
      • Cow
      • Pig
      • Rabbi
      • Animal
      • Farmer
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    • A farmer ordered a high-tech milking machine. Since he bought it when his wife was out of town, he decided to test it on himself first.

      So, he inserted his manhood into the equipment, turned the switch on and everything else was automatic.

      Soon, he realized that the equipment provided him with much more pleasure than his wife did.

      There after he quickly realized that he couldn't separate himself from the instrument. He read the manual but didn't find a way out. He tried every button on the instrument, but still nothing seem to work

      .
      Finally, the farmer decided to call the supplier's Customer Service Hot Line.
      "Hello, I just bought a milking machine from your company. It works fantastic, but how do I remove it from the cow's udder?"

      "Don't worry", replied the customer service "The machine will release automatically once it's collected two gallons!"

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    • A woman goes to the doctor for her yearly physical. The nurse starts with certain basic items.

      "How much do you weigh?" she asks.

      "115" she says.

      The nurse puts her on the scale. It turns out her weight is 140.

      The nurse asks, "Your height?"

      "5 foot 8," she says.

      The nurse checks and sees that she only measures 5 foot 5.

      She then takes her blood pressure and tells the woman it is very high.

      "Of course it's high!" she screams, "When I came in here I was tall and slender! Now I'm short and fat!"

      Tags:
      • Fat
      • Weight
      00
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    • Teacher: "Great news, we have a test today, come rain or shine."

      Little Johnny smiles.

      Teacher: "So what's so funny about it?"

      Little Johnny: "It's snowing!"

      Tags:
      • Little Johnny
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    • Larry, a local football star, is jogging down the street when he sees a building on fire. A lady is standing on a third story ledge holding her cat in her arms.

      "Hey, lady", yells Larry, "Throw me the cat!"

      "No," she cries, "It's too far!"

      "I play football. I can catch him!"

      The smoke is pouring from the windows. The woman kisses her cat goodbye and tosses it down to the street.

      Larry keeps his eye on the cat as it comes hurtling down toward him. The feline bounces off an awning and he runs into the street to catch it. He jumps six feet into the air and makes a spectacular one-handed catch. The crowd that has gathered to watch the fire breaks into cheers.

      Larry does a little dance, lifts the cat above his head, wiggles his knees back and forth, then spikes the cat into the pavement.

      Tags:
      • Football
      00
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    • Three doctors are in the duck blind and a bird flies overhead. The general practitioner looks at it and says, "Looks like a duck, flies like a duck ... it's probably a duck," shoots at it but misses and the bird flies away.

      The next bird flies overhead, and the pathologist looks at it, then looks through the pages of a bird manual, and says, "Hmmmm ... green wings, yellow bill, quacking sound ... might be a duck." He raises his gun to shoot it, but the bird is long gone.

      A third bird flies over. The surgeon raises his gun and shoots almost without looking, brings the bird down, and turns to the pathologist and says, "Go see if that was a duck."

      Tags:
      • Bird
      • Duck
      • Doctor
      • Surgery
      00
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    • They say when you play that Microsoft CD backward you can hear satanic messages ... but that's nothing. If you play it forward it will install Windows.

      Tags:
      • Windows
      • Microsoft
      00
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    • "Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery."

      "Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into

      the night."

      Tags:
      • Irish
      • Irish
      • Airplane
      • Cemetery
      • Disaster
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    • The two partners from a small law firm were having lunch when suddenly one of them looked alarmed.

      He announced, "I have to go back to the office right away! I forgot to lock the safe!"

      "What are you worried about?" asked the other. "We're both here."

      Tags:
      • Lunch
      00
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    • With all your honor and dignity, what would you do? Please don't answer without giving it serious thought. By giving an honest answer you will be able to test where you stand morally.

      The test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation, where you will have to make a decision one way or the other. Please scroll down slowly and consider each line - this is important for the test to work accurately.

      You're in Florida ... in Miami, to be exact. There is great chaos going on around you, caused by a hurricane and severe floods. There are huge masses of water all over you. You are a news photographer and you are in the middle of this great disaster. The situation is nearly hopeless. You're trying to shoot very impressive photos. There are houses and people floating around you, disappearing into the water. Nature is showing all its destructive power.

      Suddenly you see a man in the water, fighting for his life, trying not to be taken away by the masses of water and mud. You move closer. Somehow the man looks familiar.

      Suddenly you know who it is - it's George W. Bush!

      At the same time you notice that the raging waters are about to take him away, forever. You have two options. You can save him or you can take the best photo of your life. So you can save the life of George W. Bush, or you can shoot a Pulitzer prize winning photo, a unique photo displaying the death of one of the world's most powerful men.

      And here's the question (please give an honest answer):

      Would you select color film, or rather go with the simplicity of classic black and white?

      Tags:
      • Florida
      • Disaster
      • Fighting
      • George W. Bush
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    • A social worker asks a colleague: "What time is it?"

      The other one answers: "Sorry, don't know, I have no watch."

      The first one: "Never mind! The main thing is that we talked about it."

      Tags:
      • Time
      • Time
      00
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    • Man: "Hey, baby, if you come home with me, I can show you a really good time."

      Woman: "You know what your problem is? Your mouth is writing checks that your body can't cash."

      00
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    • There was a little boy named Johnny who used to hang out at the local corner market. The owner didn't know what Johnny's problem was, but the boys would constantly tease him. They would always comment that he was two bricks shy of a load, or two pickles short of a barrel. To prove it, sometimes they would offer Johnny his choice between a nickel (5 cents) and a dime (10 cents) and John would always take the nickel ... they said, because it was bigger.

      One day after Little Johnny grabbed the nickel, the store owner took him aside and said "Johnny, those boys are making fun of you. They think you don't know the dime is worth more than the nickel. Are you grabbing the nickel because it's bigger, or what?"

      Slowly, Little Johnny turned toward the store owner and a big grin appeared on his face and he said, "Well, if I took the dime, they'd stop doing it, and so far I have saved $20!"

      Tags:
      • Little Johnny
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    • Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs are roaming in the forest when they come across a lake. The water was enticing and Snow White decides to take a bath. So she tells the Dwarfs to turn around while she is taking a bath in the lake. The Dwarfs protest vehemently because they want to take a bath too.

      Snow White relents and says "When I get into the water and you hear the splash, you can turn around." Snow White undresses and as she is about to jump into the water, at that very moment, she is startled by a frog who jumps into the water before she can. The moment the Dwarfs hear the SPLASH, they turn around and see Snow White standing NAKED.

      Now, given that this incident is an idea for a TV ad, what product is being advertised?

      That's easy ... 7 Up!

      Tags:
      • Nudity
      • Snow White
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    • Leaving Minnesota for Colorado, I decide to make a stop at one of those rest areas on the side of the road. I go in the washroom. The first stall was taken so I went in the second stall. I just sat down when I hear a voice from the next stall: "Hi there, how is it going?"

      Okay, I am not the type to strike conversations with strangers in washrooms on the side of the road. I didn't know what to say so finally I say: "Not bad ..."

      Then the voice says: "So, what are you doing?"

      I am starting to find that a bit weird, but I say: "Well, I'm going back to Colorado ..."

      Then I hear the person say all flustered: "Look I'll call you back, every time I ask you a question this idiot in the next stall keeps answering me."

      Tags:
      • Colorado
      • Minnesota
      00
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    • Three Pastors were having lunch together at a diner.
      The first Pastor said: "Ya know, since summer started I've been having trouble with mice in my church. I've tried everything. Noise, spray, cats. Nothing seems to scare them away."
      The second Pastor then said: "Yea, me too. I've got hundreds living in the basement of the church. I've set traps and even called an expert to get rid of them, yet they still won't go away."
      With a grin on his face, the third Pastor said: "I had the same problem so I baptized all mine and made them members of the church ... Haven't seen one back since!"

      Tags:
      • Church
      • Priest
      • Baptism
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    • There is this guy that walked down the street one day when he saw a dusty lamp laying on the road. Interested, because he loved antiques, he picked up the lamp and rubbed the dust off. Immediately after, a genie pops out.

      The genie states, "Thank you so much for freeing me from my eternal punishment, I will grant you one wish!"

      The guy is flabbergasted, and he takes this offer on.

      He states, "Well, I have always wanted a bridge from my house to Bermuda."

      The genie states, "No, no, not possible, imagine all of the funds and supplies that would take, not, not possible at all."

      He states, "well, I have always had trouble with women an-"

      The genie, upon hearing this asks, "Do you want that bridge in two lanes or four?"

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    • Lawyer: "Judge, I wish to appeal my client's case on the basis of newly discovered evidence."

      Judge: "And what is the nature of the new evidence?"

      Lawyer: "Judge, I discovered that my client still has $500 left."

      Tags:
      • Judge
      • Lawyer
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    • A very shy guy goes into a nightclub and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage, he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"

      She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.

      After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."

      To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "Two-hundred dollars? What do you mean $200?!"

      Tags:
      • Bar
      • Nightclub
      • Psychology
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    • How many Feminists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

      1) None. Feminists can't change anything.
      2) Two. One to screw in the light bulb and one to berate any men who offer to help.

      Tags:
      • Men
      • Feminism
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    • A teacher asks her students if they're Yankees fans. All of the hands go up except for one student. "Okay, Bobby. What team are you a fan of?"

      "The Red Sox."

      "Why's that?" "Well, my parents are both Red Sox fans, so I'm a Red Sox fan too."

      "That's not a good answer, Bobby. If your parents were both morons, would you be a moron too?"

      "No, that would make me a Yankees fan!"

      Tags:
      • Teacher
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    • The elderly pastor was searching his closet for his collar before church one Sunday morning. In the back of the closet, he found a small box containing 3 eggs and 100 $1 bills. He called his wife into the closet to ask her about the box and its contents.

      Embarrassed, she admitted having hidden the box there for their entire 45 years of marriage. Disappointed and hurt, the pastor asked her, "WHY?" The wife replied that she hadn't wanted to hurt his feelings.

      He asked her how the box could have hurt his feelings. She said that every time during their marriage that he had delivered a poor sermon, she had placed an egg in the box.

      The pastor felt that 3 poor sermons in 45 years was certainly nothing to feel bad about, so he asked her what the $100 was for.

      She replied, "Each time I got a dozen eggs, I sold them to the neighbors for $1."

      Tags:
      • Marriage
      • Neighbor
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    • One day a man went to an auction. While there, he bid on an exotic parrot. He really wanted this bird, so he got caught up in the bidding. He kept on bidding, but kept getting outbid, so he bid higher and higher and higher. Finally, after he bid way more than he intended, he won the bid. The price was high but the fine bird was finally his!

      As he was paying for the parrot, he said to the Auctioneer, "I sure hope this parrot can talk. I would hate to have paid this much for it, only to find out that he can't talk!"

      "Don't worry," said the Auctioneer, "He can talk. Who do you think kept bidding against you?"

      Tags:
      • Parrot
      00
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    • Touring the city was a tour guide and a bus full of elderly people. 30 minutes into the tour, the guide feels a tap on his shoulder. He turns back only to find an elderly woman offering a hand-full of peanuts. With gratitude, he accepts and thanks the old woman.

      Another 15 minutes and the same thing happens. This happens around 4 times. As the guide is offered again for the fifth time. He is now wondering: "Thank you, but why do you buy the peanuts if you do not eat them?", and the granny answers: "We just like the chocolate on them!"

      Tags:
      • Chocolate
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    • A lonely frog, desperate for some form of company telephoned the Psychic Hotline to find out what his future holds. His Personal Psychic Advisor tells him, "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you."

      The frog is thrilled and says, "This is great! Where will I meet her, at work, at a party?"

      "No" says the psychic, "in a Biology class."

      Tags:
      • Frog
      • Animal
      • Biology
      • Psychic
      • Telephone
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    • After she woke up, a woman told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for our anniversary. What do you think it means?"

      "You'll know tonight," he said.

      That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife.

      Delighted, she opened it to find a book entitled "The Meaning of Dreams."

      Tags:
      • Anniversary
      00
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    • How many Borg does it take to change a light bulb?

      1) Changing light bulbs is futile. Resistance is voltage divided by current.
      2) None. They just self-destruct the malfunctioning equipment.
      3) All of them.

      Tags:
      • Borg
      • Change
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    • A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license.

      First, of course, he had to take an eyesight test. The optician showed him a card with the letters:

      'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'

      "Can you read this?" the optician asked.

      "Read it?" the Polish guy replied: "I know the guy."

      Tags:
      • Eyesight
      • Driver's License
      00
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    • During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question:

      "Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?

      " Michael said, "Just a minute I have to go pee." The teacher responded by saying, "That would be rude and impolite.

      What about you Sherman, how would you say it?"
      Sherman said, "I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back."

      "That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table.

      And you, little Edward, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?"

      "I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, who I hope to introduce you to after dinner."

      The teacher fainted ...

      Tags:
      • Dinner
      • Bathroom
      00
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    • A Frenchman, an Italian, a German, and a Spaniard are eating and discussing who's language was the most lovely.

      "Well," says the Frenchman, "the French word for 'butterfly' is very lovely, 'papillon'"

      "Ah," says the Italian, "but so is the Italian word for butterfly: 'Farfalla!'"
      "As is the Spanish word." says the Spaniard. "Mariposa"
      So the German is listening to all this and comes out saying: "So what's wrong with 'der schmetterling?'"

      Tags:
      • Language
      • France
      00
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    • Two guys are walking through the woods and come across this big deep hole. "Wow ... that looks deep." "Sure does ... toss a few pebbles in there and see how deep it is." They pick up a few pebbles and throw them in and wait ... no noise "Jeeez. That is REALLY deep ... here ... throw one of these great big rocks down there. Those should make a noise." They pick up a couple football-sized rocks and toss them into the hole and wait ... and wait. Nothing.

      They look at each other in amazement. One gets a determined look on his face and says, "Hey ... over here in the weeds, there's a railroad tie. Help me carry it over here. When we toss THAT sucker in, it's GOTTA make some noise." The two drag the heavy tie over to the hole and heave it in. Not a sound comes from the hole.

      Suddenly, out of the nearby woods, a goat appears, running like the wind. It rushes toward the two men, then right past them, running as fast as it's legs will carry it. Suddenly it leaps in the air and into the hole. The two men are astonished with what they've just seen ... Then, out of the woods comes a farmer who spots the men and ambles over. "Hey ... you two guys seen my goat out here?" "You bet we did! Craziest thing I ever seen! It came running like crazy and just jumped into this hole!" "Nah", says the farmer, "That couldn't have been MY goat. My goat was chained to a railroad tie."

      Tags:
      • Football
      00
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    • After spending all day watching football, Harry fell asleep in front of the TV and spent the whole night in the chair. In the morning, his wife woke him up.

      "Get up dear," she said, "it's 20 to seven."

      He awoke with a start and said, "In who's favor?"

      Tags:
      • Wife
      • Football
      • Television
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    • A blonde walked in to a barber shop listening to her CD player.
      BARBER: Ma'am, will you please take out your headphones?
      BLONDE: NO!!! It is my way only of living!
      BARBER: Okay, fine.
      But secretly, in the middle of the haircut he takes the headphones out.
      TWO HOURS LATER:
      The blonde is dead, the barber is arrested, and police are on the crime scene.
      The police decide to listen to the CD and it said, "Breath in, breath out, breath in, breath out ..."

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    • There was a terrible bus accident. Unfortunately, no one survived the accident except a monkey which was on board and there were no witnesses. The police try to investigate further but they get no results. At last, they try to interrogate the monkey. The monkey seems to respond to their questions with gestures. Seeing that, they start asking the questions.

      The police chief asks: "What were the people doing on the bus?"

      The monkey shakes his head in a condemning manner and starts dancing around; meaning the people were dancing and having fun.

      The chief asks: "Yeah, but what else were they doing?".

      The monkey uses his hand and takes it to his mouth as if holding a bottle.

      The chief says: "Oh! They were drinking, huh?!" The chief continues, "Okay, were they doing anything else?"

      The monkey nods his head and moves his mouth back and forth, meaning they were talking.

      The chief loses his patience: "If they were having such a great time, who was driving the stupid bus then?"

      The monkey cheerfully swings his arms to the sides as if grabbing a wheel.

      Tags:
      • Monkey
      • Police
      • Drinking
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    • Little Johnny was busy doing his homework. As his mother approached she heard him say:

      "One and one, the son-of-a-bitch is two."
      "Two and two, the son-of-a-bitch is four."
      "Three and three"

      His mother interrupted, asking where he had learned this way of doing math. Little Johnny remarked that his teacher Ms. Margo taught him. His mother was rather upset and told him to stop the homework.

      The next day she stormed into Little Johnny's classroom and confronted Ms. Margo. She told her about Little Johnny's different way of doing math, and his claims that Ms. Margo taught it that way to the class.

      The teacher was flabbergasted. She said that she couldn't understand why Little Johnny had said that. Then suddenly, Ms Margo exclaimed, "Oh, I know, here in school we say: one and one, the sum-of-which is two!"

      Tags:
      • Math
      • Homework
      • Classroom
      • Little Johnny
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    • A husband answers a call from his wife who says, "I'm pregnant."
      The husband who takes it very calmly replies, "When are you due?"
      The woman quickly replies, "I think in about 60 seconds."

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    • The bus driver announces that smoking is prohibited and punishable by a fine of several hundred dollars.

      Suddenly, a baby starts crying.

      "Come on kid," the bus driver said "you're only 6 months old, you can make it without a cigarette."

      Tags:
      • Baby
      • Crying
      • Smoking
      • Cigarette
      • Bus Driver
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    • You could certainly see your skills within the work you write. The world hopes for more passionate writers like you who aren't afraid to say how they believe. Always follow your heart. fekeekbdckkdeecg

      Tags:
      • Fear
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    • A woman dies and goes to heaven. As St. Peter is processing her, she hears a woman screaming in pain. She looks in the room and sees them drilling holes in the woman's shoulders to fasten the wings. Then she hears a man screaming and sees them drilling holes in his head to fasten the halo.

      "I do not want to go to heaven", she tells St. Peter. "I'll go to the other place."

      "You don't want to go there", he replies. "They rape and sodomize you down there."

      "I don't care", she answers. "At least I already have holes for that."

      Tags:
      • Heaven
      • St. Peter
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    • A gang of robbers broke into a lawyer's club by mistake. The old legal lions gave them a fight for their life and their money.

      The gang was very happy to escape. "It ain't so bad," one crook noted. "We got $25 between us."

      The boss screamed: "I warned you to stay clear of lawyers ... we had $100 when we broke in!"

      Tags:
      • Money
      • Lawyer
      • Robber
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    • "If there are any idiots in the room, will they please stand up" said the sarcastic teacher.

      After a long silence, one freshman rose to his feet.

      "Now then mister, why do you consider yourself an idiot?" enquired the teacher with a sneer.

      "Well, actually I don't," said the student, "but I hate to see you standing up there all by yourself."

      Tags:
      • Idiot
      • Student
      • Teacher
      • Freshman
      • Sarcastic
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    • Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard drive?

      He was trying to get in touch with Private Data but if it involves a Major Disaster I understand that the fault lies with General Protection.

      Furthermore, if you cannot reboot it may be because of a corrupt Colonel.

      Tags:
      • Army
      • Disaster
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    • Sister Catherine was asking all the Catholic school children in fourth grade what they want to be when they grow up.

      Little Sheila said, "When I grow up, I want to be a prostitute!"

      Sister Catherine's eyes grow wide and she barked, "What did you say?!"

      "A prostitute!" Sheila exclaimed.

      Sister Catherine breathed a sight of relief and said "Whew! Thank God! I thought you said 'A Protestant'!"

      Tags:
      • Catholic
      • Children
      • Protestant
      • Prostitution
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    • A man is browsing an antique shop when he sees a striking brass rat. He ask the owner how much. He says, "$100, but you can't return it! It's been returned twice and I don't want to see it again." The man pays the money and walks to his car. He sees a rat scurry under his foot. As he drives along, he notices a few more rats scurrying along behind his car. As he continues, he looks in his rear-view mirror and sees more and more rats following after him. He floors it and the rats begin to catch up, getting more and more numerous. Finally, he drives over a bridge and throws the brass rat over the side, watching as the army of rats follow the statue into the churning river below. The man drives back to the antique shop. The owner sees him enter and says, "I told you, no returns on that brass rat!" The man says to the owner, "No, no, I don't want to return it. I was just wondering if you had a brass lawyer?"

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    • While two families were waiting in line to see the Washington Monument, their two five-year-old boys were getting acquainted.

      "My name is Joshua. What's yours?" asked the first boy.

      "Adam," replied the second.

      "My daddy is a doctor. What does your daddy do for a living?" asked Joshua.

      Adam proudly replied, "My daddy is a lawyer."

      "Honest?" asked Joshua.

      "No, just the regular kind," replied Adam.

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    • Why did the energizer battery take a shortcut through the Twilight Zone?

      Because he had to Do Do Do Do, Do Do Do Do; and he kept going and going and going.

      Tags:
      • Battery
      • Twilight
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    • George Bush once called Sardarji to America and told him to dig a 100 metre deep pit.

      After digging Sardarji found a telephone wire, George bush then proudly announced that America was so developed even that long back!!

      Sardarji went back to India depressed. After some time Sardarji called George Bush to India and told him to dig a 100 metre pit, he did not find anything after digging. He then turned to Sardarji and told him that India is very undeveloped and hence he did not find anything.

      Sardarji, smiling, told George "No sir, India was more developed than America in the olden days ... we used cordless phones even then!!"

      Tags:
      • America
      • Telephone
      • George Bush
      • George W. Bush
      • Telephone
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    • Little Johnny: "I got 100 in school today."

      Mother: "Wonderful. What did you get 100 in?"

      Little Johnny: "Two things - I got 50 in Spelling and 50 in History."

      Mother: "Well, at least you can add!"

      Tags:
      • Spelling
      • Little Johnny
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    • A blonde is on a four-engine plane crossing the Atlantic.

      All of a sudden there's a loud bang. The pilot announces over the intercom "I'm sorry, one of our engines has just shut off. We'll be delayed 45 minutes."

      Suddenly there's another bang. Once again, the intercom clicks on and the pilot expresses his regret that they'll be delayed two hours.

      Shortly thereafter, there is third bang and the pilot announces that they'll be delayed 3 hours.

      The blonde turns to the guy sitting beside her and says, "Man, if the fourth engine shuts off we'll be up here all day."

      Tags:
      • Pilot
      • Blonde
      • Airplane
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    • One young businesswoman says to another over lunch:

      "My life is all math. I am trying to add to my income, subtract from my weight, divide my time, and avoid multiplying."

      Tags:
      • Math
      • Business
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    • This morning as I was buttoning my shirt, a button fell off. After that, I picked up my briefcase, and the handle fell off. Then I went to open the door, and the doorknob fell off. I went to get into my car, and the door handle came off in my hand. Now I'm afraid to pee.

      Tags:
      • Fear
      • Urination
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    • Little Johnny came home from school one day and went by his mom's room. The door was open, so he looked in and saw his mom lying on the bed naked moaning and touching herself saying, "Ooh, I need a man! I need a man!"

      The next day, Little Johnny got home from school and saw his mom lying on the bed naked with a naked guy on top of her. So Little Johnny ran to his room, stripped down naked, and started to touch himself, while moaning, "Ooh, I need a bike! I need a bike!"

      Tags:
      • Nudity
      • Bicycle
      • Little Johnny
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    • Church feuds are not uncommon, especially among cliques in the congregation. But when the pastor and choir director get into it, stand aside.

      One week our preacher preached on commitment, and how we should dedicate ourselves to service. The director then led the choir in singing, 'I Shall Not Be Moved.'

      The next Sunday, the preacher preached on giving and how we should gladly give to the work of the Lord. The choir director then led the song, 'Jesus Paid It All.'

      The next Sunday, the preacher preached on gossiping and how we should watch our tongues. The hymn was 'I Love To Tell The Story.'

      The preacher became disgusted over the situation, and the next Sunday he told the congregation he was considering resigning. The choir then sang 'Oh, Why Not Tonight.'

      When the preacher resigned the next week, he told the church that Jesus had led him there and Jesus was taking him away. The choir then sang, 'What A Friend We Have in Jesus.'

      Tags:
      • Priest
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    • An American businessman goes to Japan on a business trip. He hates Japanese food, so he asks the concierge at his hotel if there's any place where he can get a pizza.

      The concierge tells him he will call for delivery to his room and takes his order.

      Thirty minutes later, the delivery guy shows up. The businessman takes the pizza and starts sneezing uncontrollably.

      He asks the delivery man, "What the heck did you put on this pizza?"

      The delivery man bows deeply and says, "Just what you ordered - pepper only."

      Tags:
      • America
      • Business
      • Japan
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    • No, Windows is not a virus. Here's what viruses do:

      1. They replicate quickly. ... Okay, Windows does that.

      2. Viruses use up valuable system resources, slowing down the system as they do so. ... Okay, Windows does that.

      3. Viruses will, from time to time, trash your hard disk. ... Okay, Windows does that too.

      4. Viruses are usually carried, unknown to the user, along with valuable programs and systems. ... Sigh.. Windows does that, too.

      5. Viruses will occasionally make the user suspect their system is too slow (see 2) and the user will buy new hardware. ... Yup, Windows does that, too.

      Until now it seems Windows is a virus but there are fundamental differences: Viruses are well supported by their authors, are running on most systems, their program code is fast, compact and efficient and they tend to become more sophisticated as they mature.

      So Windows is not a virus. ... It's a bug.

      Tags:
      • Bug
      • Virus
      • Windows
      • Hardware
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    • A man has 6 items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap and a towel from the Holiday Inn.

      The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

      Tags:
      • Bathroom
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    • An older couple was lying in bed one night. The husband was falling a sleep, but the wife felt romantic and wanted to talk.

      She said, "You used to hold my hand when we were courting."

      Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second, and tried to get back to sleep. A few moments later she said, "Then you used to kiss me."

      Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.

      Thirty seconds later she said. "Then you use to bite my neck.

      "Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed.

      "Where are you going?" she asked.

      "To get my teeth!"

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    • My mother in Law is a big woman. She got run over last week. The driver said he had enough room to get around her, but he didn't know if he had enough gas.

      Tags:
      • Mother In Law
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    • So a boy is studying vocabulary and come upon the words confident and confidential. The boy unable to determine what it means goes to his dad and says

      "Dad, whats the difference between confident and confidential?"
      So the Dad says "well I am confident that you are my son, but its confidential that your friend jimmy is also my son."

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    • A blond, a brunette, and a redhead are interviewing for a new NASA experiment on sending women to different planets.

      First, the panel of scientists asks the brunette, "If you could go to any planet, what planet would you choose and why?" She answers promptly, "I would go to Mars because it seems so interesting with all the recent news about possible extra terrestrial life on the planet."

      Next, the panel asks the redhead the same question. Without any hesitation, she replies, "I'd like to go to Saturn to see all of its rings."

      Finally, the NASA scientists ask the blonde the same question they asked the brunette and the redhead. After pondering for several minutes, she finally answers, "I would go to the sun."

      Several scientists suppress a laugh, but the lead interviewer, trying to take the blonde seriously, explains, "Well, if you went to the sun, you'd burn to death almost instantaneously."

      The blonde smirks and puts her hands on her hips. "Don't be stupid! I'd go at night!"

      Tags:
      • NASA
      • Science
      • Experiment
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    • 3 men die and go to heaven. St. Peter is standing at the gate and asks the first man how long were you married the man replied 40 years. St Peter asks how long were you faithful. The man replied 40 years. St. Peter replied you get the roles royce to drive around in heaven.

      the second walks up. St. Peter asks him how long he was married and how long he was faithful. The man replied St. Peter I was Married 40 years but only faithful for 20. St. Peter replies you get this beetle to drive around in heaven in.

      The third man walks up and St. Peter asks him the same question. The man replies I was married for 40 years but only faithful for 10years. St. Peter said you get the moped to drive in heaven So the man with the moped and the man with the beetle was driving and saw the man with the roles royce off the side of the road crying they asked him what was wrong the man replied OH! LORD! I just saw my wife roll by on a skateboard.

      Tags:
      • St. Peter
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    • One day, the Pope is visiting America and driving around Washington in his limo when he gets an idea.

      "Driver? Can I drive for a while?"

      "Sure," says the driver. How can you say no to the Pope?

      So the Pope takes the wheel and starts driving like a maniac all around Washington - dodging in and out of traffic, going eighty, cutting people off. Soon, a cop pulls him over. But when the Pope rolls down the window, the cop stops dead in his tracks, and goes back to the car.

      "We got somebody really important here," he says to his partner.

      "Who is it? Is it a senator?"

      "No. More important."

      "The president?"

      "No. More important."

      "An ambassador? Who?"

      "I don't know. But the Pope is his driver."

      Tags:
      • America
      • President
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    • You wanna hear a dirty joke?

      A boy in a white shirt fell in the mud.

      You wanna hear a dirtier joke?

      He got back up and fell back down.

      You wanna hear a clean joke?

      He took a bath with Bubbles.

      You wanna hear the dirtiest joke so far?

      Bubbles is the girl next door.

      Tags:
      • Bath
      • Girl
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    • An old man is walking slowly when suddenly a kid rushes by and steals his cane. What does the old man say?

      "McCain! Why I oughta! Somebody should teach you a lesson!"

      Tags:
      • Body
      00
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    • A Kentucky State trooper pulls over a pickup truck on I-75. He says to the driver, "Got any ID?"

      The driver says, "Bout what?"

      Tags:
      • ID
      • Police
      • Kentucky
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    • The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

      On the other hand, the French eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

      The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

      The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

      Conclusion: Eat and drink what you like. It's speaking English that kills you.

      Tags:
      • Fat
      • Wine
      • Drinking
      • Eating
      • British
      • English
      • America
      • Japan
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    • Three blonde friends die together in a car wreck. They find themselves standing in front of the pearly gates with St. Peter. He warns them that before they can enter heaven, they have to tell him what Easter is about.

      The first blonde says, "Easter is a holiday where we give thanks, have a big feast and eat turkey."

      "Nooooo," groans St. Peter. "You don't get in."

      The second blonde says, "Easter is the holiday where we decorate a tree with pretty ornaments and give each other presents."

      "Nooooo," groans St. Peter. "You don't get in, either."

      The third blonde says, "Well, I know what Easter is all about. Easter is a Christian holiday which coincides with the Jewish Passover. After Jesus celebrated Passover with his disciples, he was betrayed by Judas and turned over to the Romans. They crucified him on a cross. After he died, they buried him in a tomb and put a huge boulder in front of it."

      "Very good!" says St. Peter.

      But the blonde continues. "Now, every year, the Jews roll the stone away and Jesus comes out. If he sees his shadow, we have 6 more weeks of winter."

      Tags:
      • St. Peter
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    • "I'd like to buy some gloves for my wife," the young man said, eyeing the attractive salesgirl, "but I don't know her size."

      "Will this help?" she asked sweetly, placing her hand in his.

      "Oh, yes," he answered. "Her hands are just slightly smaller than yours."

      "Will there be anything else?" the salesgirl queried as she wrapped the gloves.

      "Now that you mention it," he replied, "she also needs some tampons."

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    • After a meeting with the Pope, Bill Clinton held a press conference and announced that they had a very successful conference and had agreed on about 60% of what they discussed.

      When asked what they discussed, Clinton replied: "The Ten Commandments."

      Tags:
      • Pope
      • Bill Clinton
      • Commandments
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    • A man and his dog walk into a bar. The man proclaims, "I'll bet you a round of drinks that my dog can talk."

      Bartender: "Yeah! Sure ... go ahead."

      Man: "What covers a house?"

      Dog: "Roof!"

      Man: "How does sandpaper feel?"

      Dog: "Rough!"

      Man: "Who was the greatest baseball player of all time?"

      Dog: "Ruth!"

      Man: "Pay up. I told you he could talk."

      The bartender, annoyed at this point, throws both of them out the door. Sitting on the sidewalk, the dog looks at the guy and says, "or is the greatest player Mantle?"

      Tags:
      • Bar
      • Dog
      • Baseball
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    • A dog died, and the owner went to his pastor and said: "Pastor, my dog is dead, could there be a service for the poor creature?" The pastor replied,

      "I'm afraid not. We cannot have a service for an animal in the church. But there is a new church down the road,

      and there's no telling what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the animal; you can go and find out!" The man answered innocently, "I'll go right away pastor ... but do you think they will accept a donation of $100,000 as being enough in return for the burial service?" The pastor exclaimed

      "Ooh!... Why didn't you tell me the dog was a Christian?"

      Tags:
      • Fear
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    • How many philosophers does it take to change a light bulb?

      1) "Hmmm ... well there's an interesting question isn't it?"
      2) "Define 'light bulb' ..."
      3) "How can you be sure it needs changing?"
      4) Three. One to change it and two to stand around arguing over whether or not the light bulb exists.

      Tags:
      • Philosophy
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    • Single women claim that all the good men are married, while all married women complain about their lousy husbands.

      This confirms that there is no such thing as a good man.

      This confirms too, that women are always confused and don't know what they want.

      Tags:
      • Men
      • Women
      • Husband
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    • A little boy wakes up three nights in a row when he hears a thumping sound coming from his parents bedroom. Finally, one morning he goes to his mom and says, "Mommy, every night I hear you and daddy making noise and when I look in you're bouncing up and down on him."

      His mom is taken by surprise and says. "Oh ... well I'm bouncing on his stomach because he's fat and that makes him thin again."

      The boy says, "That won't work."

      His mom says, "Why?"

      The boy replies. "Because the lady next door comes by after you leave each day and blows him back up!"

      Tags:
      • Parent
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    • A couple on honeymoon in hotel room undressing. The groom removes his socks and the bride asks: "What's wrong with your feet, your toes look all mangled?"

      Groom: "I had Tolio as a child."
      Bride: "You mean Polio?"
      Groom: "No Tolio, the disease only affected my toes."

      The groom then removes his pants and the bride asks: "What is wrong with your knees, they are lumpy and deformed?"

      Groom: "As a child I had Kneasles."
      Bride: "You mean Measles?"
      Groom: "No Kneasles, a strange illness that only affected my knees."

      The Bride then removes his boxers and the bride asks: "Why are you spotted?"

      Groom: "As a child I had smallpox."
      Bride: "I hope you don't mean SmallCox!"

      Tags:
      • Honeymoon
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    • Taxiing down the tarmac, the jetliner abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate.

      After an hour-long wait, it finally took off.

      A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What was the problem?"

      "The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," explained the Flight Attendant, "and it took us a while to find a new pilot!"

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    • A physicist, biologist and a chemist were going to the ocean for the first time.

      The physicist saw the ocean and was fascinated by the waves. He said he wanted to do some research on the fluid dynamics of the waves and walked into the ocean. Obviously he was drowned and never returned.

      The biologist said he wanted to do research on the flora and fauna inside the ocean and walked inside the ocean. He too, never returned.

      The chemist waited for a long time and afterwards, wrote the observation, "The physicist and the biologist are soluble in ocean water".

      Tags:
      • Ocean
      • Water
      • Biology
      • Physics
      • Chemistry
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    • I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the clerk noticed that I had never signed my name on the back of the credit card. She informed me that she could not complete the transaction unless the card was signed. When I asked why, she explained that it was necessary to compare the signature on the credit card with the signature I just signed on the receipt. So I signed the credit card in front of her.

      She carefully compared that signature to the one I signed on the receipt. As luck would have it, they matched.

      Tags:
      • Signature
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    • George W. Bush was out jogging one morning when he tripped, fell over a bridge railing and landed in the creek below.

      Before the Secret Service guys could get to him, three kids who were fishing, pulled him out of the water. He was so grateful and offered the kids their wish.

      The first kid said, "I would like to go to Disneyland."

      George said: "No problem, I'll take you there on Air Force One!"

      The second kid said: "I really need a new pair of Nike Air Jordan's."

      George said: "I'll get them for you and even have Michael sign them!"

      The third kid said: "I want a motorized wheelchair with a built-in TV and stereo headset!!"

      George is a little perplexed by this and says: "But you don't look like you are injured."

      The kid says: "I will be immediately, after my dad finds out I saved you from drowning!"

      Tags:
      • Drowning
      • Wheelchair
      • Air Force
      • George W. Bush
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    • A woman woke her husband in the middle of the night and told him "there is a burglar downstairs in the kitchen and he is eating the cake that my mother made for us."

      The husband said, "who shall I call, the police or an ambulance?"

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    • The mother of a problem child was advised by a psychiatrist, "You are far too upset and worried about your son. I suggest you take tranquilizers regularly".

      On her next visit the psychiatrist asked, "Have the tranquilizers calmed you down?"

      "Yes", the boy's mother answered.

      "And how is your son now?" the psychiatrist asked.

      "Who cares?" the mother replied.

      Tags:
      • Son
      • Children
      • Mother
      • Psychiatry
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    • A recent study found that 35% of men have been injured while undoing a woman's bra.

      That's correct. While unfastening a woman's stabilizing devise, men have received strained tendons, scratches, and other similar injuries.

      Actually, I can vouch for that. I got injured today while trying to undo a woman's bra. When I undid the woman in front of me in the checkout line, she turned and hit me with a can of peas.

      Tags:
      • Bra
      • Men
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    • A woman walks into the Post Office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards.

      "What denomination?" asks the clerk.

      "Oh, good heavens! Have we come to this?" said the woman. "Well, give me 50 Baptist and 50 Catholic and one Methodist."

      Tags:
      • Stamp
      • Catholic
      • Christmas
      • Post Office
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    • What is the difference between Jurassic Park and Microsoft?

      One is an over-rated high tech theme park based on prehistoric information and populated mostly by dinosaurs, the other is a Steven Spielberg movie.

      Tags:
      • Dinosaur
      • Microsoft
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    • A lady goes into a grocery store to buy some tampon. As fate would have it she picked up a box without a price on it. When the cashier went to ring it up he noticed there was not a price.

      As grocery cashiers are so inclined to do, he grabbed the P. A. microphone and said, "Need a price on TAMPAX!"

      A stock boy who heard the garbled message thought the cashier said, "Some tacks" and promptly yelled back, "The kind you pound in with a hammer or the kind you push in with your finger?"

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    • A Kentuckian came home and found his house on fire, rushed next door, telephoned the fire department and shouted, "Hurry over here. My house is on fire!"

      "OK," replied the fireman, "How do we get there?"

      "Say, don't you still have those big red trucks?"

      Tags:
      • Fire
      • House
      • Kentucky
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    • After drafting a will for an elderly client, the lawyer announced a fee of $100.

      The client gave the lawyer a $100 bill.

      After the client left, the lawyer saw that the client had in fact paid $200, as two of the client's $100 bills had stuck together.

      Looking at the $100 overpayment, an ethical question arose in the lawyer's mind: "Do I tell my partner?"

      Tags:
      • Will
      • Lawyer
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    • A veterinarian was feeling ill and went to see her doctor. The doctor asked her all the usual questions, about symptoms, how long had they been occurring, etc., when she interrupted him: "Hey look, I'm a vet. I don't need to ask my patients these kind of questions: I can tell what's wrong just by looking. Why can't you?"

      The doctor nodded, looked her up and down, wrote out a prescription, and handed it to her and said, "There you are. Of course, if that doesn't work, we'll have to have you put down."

      Tags:
      • Doctor
      • Prescription
      • Veterinarian
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    • A hydrogen atom lost its electron and went to the police station to file a missing electron report. He was questioned by the police: "Haven't you just misplaced it somewhere? Are you sure that your electron is really lost?"

      "I'm positive." replied the atom.

      Tags:
      • Police
      • Electron
      • Hydrogen
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    • One evening a family brings their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and leaves her, hoping she will be well cared for. The next morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden.

      She seems ok, but after a while she slowly starts to lean over sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and straighten her up. Again she seems OK, but after a while she starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright. This goes on all morning. Later the family arrives to see how the old woman is adjusting to her new home. "So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?" they ask.

      "It's pretty nice," she replies. "Except they won't let you fart."

      Tags:
      • Fart
      • Nurse
      • Mother
      • Breakfast
      • Old People
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    • Two young blonde women were playing golf at a foggy par three, and could see the flag, but not the green. Each hit their ball anyway. When they walked to the green, they discovered one ball about three feet from the cup, while the other ball somehow had gone directly in.

      The blondes tried to figure out which ball belonged to who, since they were both using Titleist number threes. Unable to decide, they returned to the clubhouse and asked the golf pro for a ruling.

      After hearing their story and congratulating them both on their superb shots under such adverse conditions the pro asked, "Okay, so who was playing the yellow ball?"

      Tags:
      • Golf
      • Blonde
      • Clubhouse
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    • A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are stranded on a desert island. They find a genie's lamp and agree they'll each get one wish.

      The brunette and the redhead both wish they were at home.

      The blonde then says, "Gee, I'm kinda lonely ... I wish my friends were here ..."

      Tags:
      • Wish
      • Genie
      • Blonde
      • Redhead
      • Desert Island
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    • An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.

      The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and showed it to him.

      The old man said, "I don't think you understand, I want something very special."

      At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000", the jeweler said.

      The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.

      The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."

      The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, by check. "I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said.

      Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweler phoned the old man. "There's no money in that account."

      "I know", said the old man, "but can you imagine the weekend I had?"

      Tags:
      • Money
      • Jewelry
      • Girlfriend
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    • My childbirth instructor says it's not pain that I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?

      Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

      Tags:
      • Birth
      • Labor
      • Childbirth
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    • A woman and a man driver are involved in a horrific collision, but amazingly both escape completely unhurt – though their cars are written off.

      As they crawl out of the wreckage, the man sees the woman is blonde and strikingly beautiful. Then the woman turns to the man and gushes breathily: 'That's incredible both our cars are demolished but we're fine.

      It must be a sign from God that we are meant to be together!'

      Sensing a promise, the man stammers back, 'Oh yes, I agree with you completely!'

      The woman goes on, 'And look, though my car was destroyed, this bottle of wine survived intact, too! It must be another sign. Let's drink to our love!'

      'Well, OK!' says the man, going with the moment. She offers him the bottle, so he downs half of it and hands it back.

      'Your turn,' says the man.

      'No, thanks,' says the woman, 'I think I'll just wait for the police.'

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    • Three women were sitting around throwing back a few drinks and talking about their love lives.

      One woman said: "I call my husband the dentist. Nobody can drill like he does."

      The second woman giggled and confessed: "I call my husband the miner because of his incredible shaft."

      The third woman quietly sipped her whiskey until her friend asked: "Say, what do you call your husband?"

      She frowned and said: "The postman."

      "Why the postman?"

      "Because he always delivers late, and half the time it's in the wrong box."

      Tags:
      • Husband
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    • A golfer called one of the caddies and asked, "I need a caddy who can count and keep the score. What's 3 and 4 and 5 come to?"

      "10" said the caddy.

      "Great, you'll do perfectly!"

      Tags:
      • Golf
      • Counting
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    • Three girls are at work, and their female boss is leaving early for the day. The brunette also suggests to leave early as there boss will not notice. So that afternoon, they all leave early.

      One spends time with her son and enjoys her time off.

      The redhead does her gardening and has an early night.

      The blonde goes home and hears sounds in her bedroom, she walks upstairs quietly open her bedroom door and finds her boss in bed with her hubby, shuts the door and leaves the house.

      On next day, the brunette goes on asking: "Shall we leave early again today?" The blonde says: "No way I nearly got caught!"

      Tags:
      • Blonde
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    • A man, down on his luck, went into a church which catered to the "uppity". Spotting the man's dirty clothes a deacon, worried about the churches image, went to the man and asked him if he needed help. The man said, "I was praying and the Lord told me to come to this church."

      The deacon suggested that the man go pray some more and possibly he might get a different answer. The next Sunday the man returned. The deacon asked, "Did you get a different answer?"

      The man replied, "Yes I did. I told the Lord that they don't want me in that church and the Lord said, 'Don't worry about it son; I've been trying to get into that church for years and haven't made it yet."

      Tags:
      • Luck
      • Church
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    • While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication, Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor, "It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other."

      He addressed the man, "Can you describe your wife's favourite flower?"

      Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "It's self-rising, isn't it?"

      The rest of the story gets rather ugly, so I'll stop right here.

      Tags:
      • Wife
      • Flower
      • Husband
      • Marriage
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    • A new manager spends a week at his new office with the manager he is replacing. On the last day the departing manager tells him, "I have left three numbered envelopes in the desk drawer. Open an envelope if you encounter a crisis you can't solve."

      Three months down the track there is a major drama, everything goes wrong - the usual stuff - and the manager feels very threatened by it all. He remembers the parting words of his predecessor and opens the first envelope. The message inside says "Blame your predecessor!" He does this and gets off the hook.

      About half a year later, the company is experiencing a dip in sales, combined with serious product problems. The manager quickly opens the second envelope. The message read, "Reorganize!" This he does, and the company quickly rebounds.

      Three months later, at his next crisis, he opens the third envelope. The message inside says "Prepare three envelopes".

      Tags:
      • Office
      • Manager
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    • So the baby snake says to its mom: "Mom, are we poisonous?"

      And the mommy snakes says, "Why do you ask?"

      The baby replies, "Because I just bit my tongue."

      Tags:
      • Baby
      00
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    • A man was rushed in to hospital yesterday because he swallowed a five pound note.

      They are keeping him in for observation on his condition - but so far there has been no change!

      Tags:
      • Hospital
      00
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    • A dog walks into this bar, jumps up on the stool and says to the bartender, "Hey barkeep, it's my birthday today. How 'bout a free drink?"

      The bartender turns, looks at the dog and nods his head, "Sure pal, toilet's right down the hall."

      Tags:
      • Bar
      • Dog
      • Drinking
      • Animal
      • Toilet
      • Birthday
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    • Chemist's last words

      1) And now the tasting test ...
      2) And now shake it a bit ...
      3) In which glass was my mineral water?
      4) Why does that stuff burn with a green flame?!?
      5) And now the detonating gas problem.
      6) This is a completely safe experimental setup.
      7) Now you can take the protection window away ...
      8) Where do all those holes in my kettle come from?
      9) And now a cigarette ...

      Tags:
      • Chemistry
      • Cigarette
      • Experiment
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    • Lenny went on vacation and asked Bobby to watch over his house. About a week later, Lenny calls home and asked "How's my cat?"

      Bobby hesitated and sadly told Lenny his cat died.

      "What?! You shouldn't have broken the news to me like that! You should have done it slowly. The first time I called, you should have told me she was on the roof. The second time I called, you should have said there was no way to get her down. The third time I called, you should have told me that you tried to get her off the roof, but she fell down and died," explained Lenny.

      Bobby apologized and went about his day.

      About a week later, Lenny called again and asked "How's my Granny?"

      There was a long silence and then Bobby replied. "Well, she's on the roof."

      Tags:
      • Cat
      • Vacation
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    • Two friends, who had lost contact for many years, were catching up with each other. One asked, "So, you've got your own company, huh? How lucky!" The other replied, "Just a small one, nothing to be proud of."

      Disbelieving, the first queried, "Small? How many people work in your company?"

      The other sadly answered, "About half of them."

      Tags:
      • America
      00
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    • Jim had an awful day fishing on the lake, sitting in the blazing sun all day without catching a single one. On his way home, he stopped at the supermarket and ordered four catfish. He told the fish salesman, "Pick four large ones out and throw them at me, will you?"

      "Why do you want me to throw them at you?"

      "Because I want to tell my wife that I caught them."

      "Okay, but I suggest that you take the orange trout."

      "Why's that?"

      "Because your wife came in earlier today and said that if you came by, I should tell you to take orange trout. That's what she'd like for supper tonight."

      Tags:
      • Fish
      • Wife
      • Dinner
      • Fishing
      • Salesman
      • Supermarket
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    • An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening of religious service when she was startled by an intruder.

      As she caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables, she yelled, "Stop! Acts 2: 38! Turn from your sin!"

      The burglar stopped dead in his tracks. Then the woman immediately called the police and explained what she had done.

      As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar, "Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a scripture at you."

      "Scripture?" replied the burglar, "She said she had an axe and two 38s!"

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    • Little Susie comes home from school and tells her mum that the boys were asking her to do cartwheels and said she was very good.

      Mum said: "Don't do them. The boys only want to see your knickers!"

      Susie said: "I know which is why I put them in my bag!"

      Tags:
      • School
      • Little Susie
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    • Man: "I'd like to call you. What's your number?"

      Woman: "It's in the phone book."

      Man: "But I don't know your name."

      Woman: "That's in the phone book too."

      Tags:
      • Book
      • Number
      • Telephone
      00
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    • Judi and Jon got married and she was at the drugstore looking at the men's toiletries. A clerk comes up to help her and asks if she needs assistance.

      "I'm looking for some deodorant for my new husband Jon, but I don't know what type he uses."

      The clerk says, "Is it the ball type?"

      "No," says Judi, "it's for his underarms."

      Tags:
      • Men
      • Deodorant
      • Pharmacy
      00
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    • One night, a drunk comes stumbling into a bar and says to the bartender: "Drinks for all on me including you, bartender." So the bartender follows the mans orders and says: "That will be $36.50 please." The drunk says he has no money so the bartender slaps him around and throws him out.

      The next night the same drunk comes in again and orders a drink for everyone in the bar including the bartender. Again the bartender follows instructions and again the drunk says he has no money. So the bartender slaps him around and throws him out.

      On the third night he comes in, the drunk orders drinks for all except the bartender. "What, no drink for me?" replies the bartender. "Oh, no. You get violent when you drink."

      Tags:
      • Bar
      00
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    • What's the difference between a leech and a lawyer?
      Few leech jokes out there.
      Leeches only want your blood.
      A leech drops off you once you're dead.

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    • A passenger plane was flying over a desert when one engine broke down and the plane crashed.

      One man survived and decided that not knowing when help would arrive, he needed to prepare himself for surviving.

      After three months the man had settled in quite nicely, built him a shelter, had a steady food supply and found a water hole.

      Also at this water hole he came across a lone camel staying by the water hole, and accepted this camel as his 'company'.

      For another three months this went on until the man was starting to get bored with the life he had made for himself in the desert, and as with any man, the man had been raunchy for quite a while now, until one day, whilst looking at the camel, considered it ... and had a go but failed in his attempt.

      This was the case every day for the following three months, with the man getting to an uncontrollable state of raunchiness, when another plane crashed near where the man was staying, he rushed to the scene to find a sole survivor, a beautiful young French female model.

      The man helped the lady to his home where he fed her, gave her water and started telling his whole story about living in the desert.

      As night fell and the man went on telling his story, the model got more and more amazed at this man's story, and by the time the man was had finished, the woman had even fallen in love, and with their romantic atmosphere asked him that for all of his troubles and kindness, there surely was something she could do for him??

      ... After thinking for a while the man agreed and pointed at the camel saying "I've been trying for three months now, I would really appreciate it if you could please hold the camel still!"

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    • Once upon a time, a beautiful princess happened upon a frog in a pond.

      The frog said to the princess, "I was once a handsome prince until an evil witch put a spell on me. One kiss from you and I will turn back into a prince and then we can marry, move into the castle with my mom where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children and forever feel lucky for doing so."

      That night the princess had frog legs for dinner.

      Tags:
      • Frog
      • Children
      • Princess
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    • At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?"

      The other replied, "Yes I am, I married the wrong man."

      Tags:
      • Wedding
      00
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    • A minister told his congregation, "Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying. To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17."

      The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the minister asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know how many had read Mark 17. Every hand went up. The minister smiled and said, "Mark has only sixteen chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying."

      Tags:
      • Lying
      • Priest
      00
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    • A Sunday School teacher of preschoolers told her students that she wanted each of them to have learned one fact about Jesus by the next Sunday. The following week she asked each child in turn what he or she had learned.

      Susie said, "He was born in a manger."

      Bobby said, "He threw the money changers out of the temple."

      Little Johnny said, "He has a red pickup truck but he doesn't know how to drive it."

      Curious, the teacher asked, "And where did you learn that, Johnny?"

      "From my Daddy," said Johnny. "Yesterday we were driving down the highway, and this red pickup truck pulled out in front of us and Daddy yelled at him, 'Jesus Christ! Why don't you learn how to drive?'"

      Tags:
      • Jesus
      • Driving
      • Teacher
      • Jesus
      • Little Johnny
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    • The National Institutes of Health have announced that they will no longer be using rats for medical experimentation. In their place, they will use attorneys. They have given three reasons for this decision:

      1. There are now more attorneys than there are rats.
      2. The medical researchers don't become as emotionally attached to the attorneys as they did to the rats.
      3. No matter how hard you try, there are some things that even rats won't do.

      Tags:
      • Rat
      • Lawyer
      • Experiment
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    • A guy walks into work, and both of his ears are all bandaged up. The boss says, "What happened to your ears?"

      He says, "Yesterday I was ironing a shirt when the phone rang and shhh! I accidentally answered the iron."

      The boss says, "Well, that explains one ear, but what happened to your other ear?"

      He says, "Well, geez, I had to call the doctor!"

      Tags:
      • Boss
      • Doctor
      • Telephone
      00
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    • A pastor was giving the children's message during church. For this part of the service, he would gather all the children around him and give a brief lesson before dismissing them for children's church. On this particular Sunday, he was using squirrels for an object lesson on industry and preparation.

      He started out by saying, "I'm going to describe something, and I want you to raise your hand when you know what it is." The children nodded eagerly.

      "This thing lives in trees (pause) and eats nuts (pause)..." No hands went up. "And it is gray (pause) and has a long bushy tail (pause)..." The children were looking at each other, but still no hands raised. "And it jumps from branch to branch (pause) and chatters and flips its tail when it's excited (pause)..."

      Finally one little boy tentatively raised his hand. The pastor breathed a sigh of relief and called on him. "Well," said the boy, "I know the answer must be Jesus ... but it sure sounds like a squirrel to me!"

      Tags:
      • Children
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    • Two buddies were sharing drinks while discussing their wives.

      "Do you and your wife ever do it doggie style?" .

      "Well ... not exactly." his friend replied, "She's more into the trick dog aspect of it."

      "Oh, I see, kinky, huh?"

      "Well ... not exactly ... I sit up and beg and she rolls over and plays dead."

      Tags:
      • Dog
      • Wife
      00
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    • A salesman was given a hotel room next to one occupied by honeymooners.

      The walls were thin, and the sounds of sustained sexual frenzy poured through. Finally the salesman could stand it no longer. He pounded on the walls, yelling, "Knock it off, there's other people trying to get some sleep!"

      From the other room came a weak, faltering male voice which said, "Yell louder, mister, she can't hear you!"

      Tags:
      • Salesman
      • Honeymoon
      00
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    • What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?

      1) After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
      2) A dog only takes a couple of months to train.

      Tags:
      • Dog
      • Husband
      00
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    • Bill Clinton is visiting a school. In one class, he asks the students if anyone can give him an example of a "tragedy." One little boy stands up and offers that, "If my best friend who lives next door is playing in the street when a car came by and killed him, that would be a tragedy."

      "No," Clinton says, "That would be an ACCIDENT."

      A girl raises her hand. "If a school bus carrying fifty children drove off a cliff, killing everyone inside ... that would be a tragedy."

      "I'm afraid not," explains Clinton. "That is what we would call a GREAT LOSS."

      The room is silent; none of the other children dare volunteer.

      "What?" asks Clinton, "Isn't there anyone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"

      Finally little Johnny in the back raises his hand. In a timid voice, he says: "If an airplane carrying Bill and Hillary Clinton was blown up by a bomb, *that* would be a tragedy."

      "Wonderful!" Clinton beams. "Marvelous! And can you tell me WHY that would be a tragedy?"

      "Well," says Johnny, "because it wouldn't be an accident, and it certainly would be no great loss!"

      Tags:
      • Airplane
      • Children
      • Bill Clinton
      • Little Johnny
      • Hillary Clinton
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    • A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.

      She replies in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"

      Tags:
      • Blonde
      • Police
      • Speeding
      00
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    • A big-game hunter went on safari with his wife and mother in Law. One evening, while still deep in the jungle, the Mrs. awoke to find her mother gone. Rushing to her husband, she insisted on them both trying to find her mother.

      The hunter picked up his rifle, took a swig of whiskey, and started to look for her. In a clearing not far from the camp, they came upon a chilling sight: the mother in Law was backed up against a thick, impenetrable bush, and a large male lion stood facing her.

      The wife said: "What are we going to do?"

      "Nothing, the lion got himself into this mess, let him get himself out of it."

      Tags:
      • Jungle
      • Mother In Law
      00
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    • Visiting Afghanistan for a second time, a war correspondent noted that since the fall of the Taliban, wives who used to walk ten paces behind their husbands were now walking ten paces in front. The journalist asked one of the men if this was a sign of growing equality.

      "No", the man replied. "Land-mines."

      Tags:
      • Men
      • War
      • Wife
      • Journalist
      • Afghanistan
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    • An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100 %.

      The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said: "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."

      The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to their conversations. I've changed my will three times!"

      Tags:
      • Will
      • Doctor
      • Hearing
      • Old People
      • Hearing Aid
      00
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    • The telephone rings in the hotel lobby. The receptionist picks it.

      Caller: "Tou ti tou roum tou."

      The receptionist answers "Ta ta ta tou tou tou!" and hangs the phone.

      The next day she is fired by the manager because the caller was asking her on phone to send 2 tea to room 2!

      Tags:
      • Telephone
      00
      Permalink
    • Little Johnny: "I'm not going back to school ever again!"

      Mom: "Why not?"

      Little Johnny: "The teacher doesn't know a thing, all she does is ask questions!"

      Tags:
      • Little Johnny
      00
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    • A doctor, a lawyer and a manager were discussing the relative merits of having a wife or a mistress. The lawyer says: "For sure a mistress is better. If you have a wife and want a divorce, it causes all sorts of legal problems."

      The doctor says: "It's better to have a wife because the sense of security lowers your stress and is good for your health."

      The manager says: "You're both wrong. It's best to have both so that when the wife thinks you're with the mistress and the mistress thinks you're with your wife - you can go to the office and do some work."

      Tags:
      • Wife
      • Doctor
      • Lawyer
      • Manager
      • Mistress
      • Security
      00
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    • A man inserted an advertisement in the classifieds "Wife Wanted".

      The next day, he received hundreds of replies, all reading the same thing: "You can have mine."

      Tags:
      • Wife
      00
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    • Two black guys walk into a bar they all go into the bathroom, at the same time they're in there for six hours.

      The first black guy comes out two hours later and the bartenders asks
      "what're you doing in there?" the black guy replies "blowing bubbles."

      The next guy comes out two hours later than the next guy and the bartender asks,
      " what are you doing in there for so long?" so the black guy says "blowing bubbles".

      Now the bartender's curious, What are these guys doing in there for so long? he wonders Finally the last black guy comes out and the bartender's furious. "what are you doing in there for so long? No wait let me guess your blowing bubbles!"

      Now the black guy hangs his head looks up at him and says "NO SIR I AM BUBBLES."

      Tags:
      • Bar
      • Bathroom
      00
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    • Sometimes women are overly suspicious of their husbands. When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset.

      "You're running around with other women," she charged.

      "You're being unreasonable," Adam responded. "You're the only woman on earth." The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by someone poking him in the chest. It was Eve.

      "What do you think you're doing?" Adam demanded.

      "Counting your ribs!"

      Tags:
      • Women
      • Husband
      • Counting
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    • A man charged with assault and battery insisted at his trial that he had just pushed his victim "a little bit". When he was pressured by the prosecutor to illustrate just how hard, the defendant approached the lawyer, slapped him in the face, grabbed him firmly by the lapels and flung him over the table.

      He then faced judge and jury and calmly declared, "I would say it was about one-tenth that hard."

      Tags:
      • Court
      • Judge
      • Lawyer
      • Assault
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    • A doctor and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast.

      "You aren't so good in bed either!", he shouted and stormed off to work.

      By mid morning, he decided he'd better make amends and called home. "What took you so long to answer?"

      "I was in bed."

      "What were you doing in bed this late?"

      "Getting a second opinion!"

      Tags:
      • Breakfast
      00
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    • US Airways recently introduced a special half fare for wives who accompanied their husbands on business trips.

      Expecting valuable testimonials, the PR department sent out letters to all the wives of businessmen who had used the special rates, asking how they enjoyed their trip.

      Letters are still pouring in asking, "What trip?"

      Tags:
      • Business
      00
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    • A teacher asks her class: "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?"

      She calls on little Johnny. He replies, "None, they all fly away with the first gun shot"

      The teacher replies: "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking."

      Then Little Johnny says: "I have a question for you. There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?"

      The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied: "Well I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."

      To which Little Johnny replied: "The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on, but I like your thinking."

      Tags:
      • Little Johnny
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    • A pastor, known for his lengthy sermons, noticed a man get up and leave during the middle of his message. The man returned just before the conclusion of the service. Afterwards the pastor asked the man where he had gone.

      "I went to get a haircut," was the reply.

      "But," said the pastor, "why didn't you do that before the service?"

      "Because," the gentleman said, "I didn't need one then."

      Tags:
      • Priest
      • Sermon
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    • So Dan and Mike are drinking beer in a bar.

      "Hey Dan, did you know the universe is expanding and there's nothing we can do about it?"

      "Of course there's something we can do about it, Mike."

      "Yeah? What's that?"

      "Tell your mom to stop eating."

      Tags:
      • Bar
      • Drinking
      • Universe
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    • Barry returned from a doctor's visit one day and told his wife Carolyn that the doctor said he only had 24 hours to live.

      Wiping away her tears, he asked her to make love with him, of course she agreed and they made passionate love.

      Six hours later, Barry went to her again, and said: "Honey, now I only have 18 hours left to live. Maybe we could make love again?" Carolyn agreed and again they made love.

      Later, Barry was getting into bed when he realised he now had only eight hours of life left.

      He touched Carolyn's shoulder and said: "Honey? Please Just one more time.
      She agreed, then afterward she rolled and fell asleep."

      Barry, however, heard the clock ticking in his head, and he tossed and turned until it was down to only four more hours.

      He tapped his wife on the shoulder to wake her up. "Honey, I only have four hours left! Could we ...?".

      His wife sat up abruptly, turned to him and said: "Listen Barry, I'm not being funny but I have to get up in the morning and go to work while you don't!."

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    • A couple buys this cute little dog. They take him home and two days later the dog becomes very lazy. It won't eat, doesn't bark, heck it doesn't even move at all.

      So the couple decides to take the dog to the Vet. The Vet looks at the dog and then lays it on the floor. He then brings a cat into the room and sets it beside the dog. The cat crawls all over the dog for several minutes and then runs around the dog four times before the Vet picks up the cat and puts him back in his cage.

      The Vet then turns to the couple and says, "I'm sorry to tell you this, but your dog is dead ... That'll be $225.00."

      "$225.00?," screamed the outraged man. "You expect me to pay you that much just to tell me my dog is dead?"

      The Vet replied, "It's only $25.00 for the office visit and $200.00 for the Cat Scan."

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    • When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity.

      To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300 C.

      The Russians used a pencil.

      Tags:
      • NASA
      • Gravity
      • Russia
      • Science
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    • Mother: "Why are you home from school so early?"

      Son: "I was the only one who could answer a question."

      Mother: "Oh, really? What was the question?"

      Son: "Who threw the eraser at the principal?"

      Tags:
      • Principal
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    • Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a hundred dollar bill. Who gets it?

      The old drunk, of course; the other three are mythological creatures.

      Tags:
      • Drunk
      • Fairy
      • Lawyer
      • Santa
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    • A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.

      The lawyer persists and explains that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and visa-versa." Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep.

      The lawyer, now somewhat agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $50!" figuring that since she is a blonde that he will easily win the match. This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.

      The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the Earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill and hands it to the lawyer.

      Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer: "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?" The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the
      Airphone with his modem and searches the Net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends E-mails to all his coworkers and friends he knows. All to no avail. After over an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $50. The blonde politely takes the $50 and turns away to get back to sleep.

      The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, so what is the answer!?" Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.

      Tags:
      • Blonde
      • Lawyer
      • Computer
      • Congress
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    • A man walks into the toy store to get a Barbie doll for his daughter. So he asks the assistant, as you would, "How much is Barbie?"

      "Well," she says, "we have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.00."

      "Hey, hang on," the guy asks, "why is Divorced Barbie $265.00 when all the others are only $19.95?"

      "Yeah, well, it's like this ... Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's boat, Ken's furniture ..."

      Tags:
      • Barbie
      • Daughter
      • Shopping
      • Furniture
      • Nightclub
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    • To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.

      To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all!

      Tags:
      • Love
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    • The young reporter thought long and hard. Finally he handed the Editor the following report. "Mrs. Smith was injured in a car accident today. She is recovering in County Hospital with lacerations on her ( . )( . )"

      Tags:
      • Car
      • Hospital
      • Reporter
      • Car Accident
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    • Psychiatrist: "What's your problem?"

      Patient: "I think I'm a chicken."

      Psychiatrist: "How long has this been going on?"

      Patient: "Ever since I was an egg!"

      Tags:
      • Egg
      • Chicken
      • Psychiatry
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    • A patient says: "Doctor, last night I made a Freudian slip, I was having dinner with my mother in Law and wanted to say: 'Could you please pass the butter.' But instead I said: 'You silly cow, you have completely ruined my life'."

      Tags:
      • Cow
      • Dinner
      • Doctor
      • Mother In Law
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    • A couple go on vacation to a fishing resort in northern Minnesota. The husband likes to fish at the crack of dawn. The wife likes to read.

      One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and takes a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and continues to read her book.

      Along comes a forest policeman in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning Ma'am. What are you doing?"

      "Reading a book," she replies, (thinking "Isn't that obvious?")

      "You're in a restricted fishing area," he informs her.

      "I'm sorry officer, but I'm not fishing, I'm reading."

      "Yes, but you have all the equipment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."

      "If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman.

      "But I haven't even touched you," says the policeman.

      "That's true," replied the woman, "But you have all the equipment."

      Tags:
      • Assault
      • Fishing
      • Vacation
      • Minnesota
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    • A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.

      The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."

      The husband said, "You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."

      Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."

      Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."

      So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says:

      "HEBREWS"

      Tags:
      • Wife
      • Bible
      • Coffee
      • Husband
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    • At Heathrow Airport in England. A 300-foot red carpet was stretched out to Air Force One and President Bush strode to a warm but dignified handshake from Queen Elizabeth II. They rode in a silver 1934 Bentley to the edge of central London where they boarded an open 17th century coach hitched to six magnificent white horses. As they rode toward Buckingham Palace, each looking to their side and waving to the thousands of cheering Britons lining the streets, all was going well.

      This was indeed a glorious display of pageantry and dignity.

      Suddenly the scene was shattered when the right rear horse let rip the most horrendous, earth-shattering, eye-smarting blast of flatulence, and the coach immediately filled with noxious fumes.

      Uncomfortable, but maintaining control, the two dignitaries did their best to ignore the whole incident, but then the Queen decided that was a ridiculous manner with which to handle a most embarrassing situation.

      She turned to Mr. Bush and explained, "Mr. President, please accept my regrets. I'm sure you understand that there are some things even a Queen cannot control."

      George W., ever the Texas intellectual and gentleman, replied, "Your Majesty, please don't give the matter another thought. You know, if you hadn't said something I would have assumed it was one of the horses."

      Tags:
      • Horse
      • Texas
      • Airport
      • England
      • President
      • Air Force
      • George W. Bush
      • Queen Elizabeth
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    • A cowboy was riding across the plain when he heard shouting from a nearby house. So he went over to investigate and after searching the house, found a young maiden lying naked in bed, with her four limbs tied to the bed corners.

      "Oh thank god" she cried: "you have got to help me, two men came by and killed my husband then took it in turn to ravish me before stealing all our money, help me please!"

      The cowboy thought for a second, then as he unzipped his fly and took down his trousers he said: "Maam, this just ain't your lucky day!"

      Tags:
      • Cowboy
      • Nudity
      • Stealing
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    • The National Poetry Contest had come down to semi-finals between a Yale graduate and a redneck from Wyoming. They were both given a word, then allowed two minutes to study the word and come up with a poem that contained the word. The word they were given was "Timbuktu"

      First to recite his poem was the Yale graduate. He confidently stepped to the microphone and said:

      "Slowly across the desert sand
      Trekked a lonely caravan
      Men on camels, two by two
      Destination: Timbuktu."

      The crowd went crazy. No way could the redneck top this, they thought.

      The redneck, with sweat rolled down his face, made his way to the microphone and said:

      "A friend and I a hunting went,
      We spied three maidens in a tent,
      They being three, we being two,
      I bucked one and Tim bucked two."

      The redneck went to the finals.

      Tags:
      • Redneck
      • Wyoming
      • Timbuktu
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    • A housewife, an accountant and a lawyer were asked "How much is 2+ 2?"

      The housewife replies: "Four!"

      The accountant says: "I think it's either 3 or 4. Let me run those figures through my spreadsheet one more time."

      The lawyer pulls the drapes, dims the lights and asks in a hushed voice, "How much do you want it to be?"

      Tags:
      • Lawyer
      • Housewife
      • Accountant
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    • What not to say to the nice policeman:

      Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off my lap and got lodged between the brake pedal and the gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control.

      Tags:
      • Gun
      • Police
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    • Teacher: "You copied from Fred's exam paper didn't you?"

      Little Johnny: "How did you know?"

      Teacher: "Fred's paper says 'I don't know' and you have added 'Me, neither'!"

      Tags:
      • Police
      • Little Johnny
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    • A man from upper Egypt went to a doctor for a check up, the doctor told him you are Ok but you must walk every day at least for 10 kilometers.

      After a week the doctor received a call from the man who sounded very tired, Doctor please I need your help the doctor asked where are you? I almost reached Sudan now, may I have a rest please!

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    • During the Vietnam war, a Lieutenant asked a Marine why he was falling back during a really fierce battle. "Didn't you hear me say that we're outnumbered 4 to 1?"

      The Marine replied, "I got my four Sir."

      Tags:
      • War
      • Battle
      • Marine
      • Lieutenant
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    • An attractive lady from Seattle was driving through a remote part of Texas when her car broke down. A local on horseback came along and offered her a ride to the nearest town.

      She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off. The ride was pretty uneventful except that every few minutes the guy would let out a "Whoop" so loud that it would echo from the surrounding hills. When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, yelled one final "Yahoo" and rode off.

      "Hey, what did you do to get him so fired up?" asked the service station attendant.

      "Nothing," shrugged the woman, I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist, and held onto his saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off.

      "Lady," the attendant said, "that guy was riding bareback ..."

      Tags:
      • Horse
      • Texas
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    • In church, a pastor was leading the house in prayer. He said, "God, please protect your believers, and deliver us from sin."

      Chuck Norris stood up and said, "What have you done for me lately?"

      Tags:
      • God
      • Church
      • Priest
      • Chuck Norris
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    • An 80 year old man was having his annual checkup, and the doctor asked him how he was feeling. "I've never been better!" he boasted.

      "I've got an eighteen year old bride who's pregnant, and having my child! What do you think about that?"

      The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, "Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season. But one day went out in a bit of a hurry, and he accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun."

      The doctor continued, "So he was in the woods, and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear, and squeezed the handle."

      "And do you know what happened?"the doctor queried.

      Dumbfounded, the old man replied "No."

      The doctor continued, "The bear dropped dead in front of him!"

      "That's impossible!" exclaimed the old man. "Someone else must have shot that bear."

      "That's kind of what I'm getting at ..." replied the doctor.

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    • A blonde calls her boyfriend and says: "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started".

      Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

      The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger."

      Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger".

      He held her hand and said, "Second, I'd advise you to relax. Let's have a cup of coffee, then" he sighed, "let's put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box."

      Tags:
      • Boyfriend
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    • An old man is lying on his deathbed with his children, grandchildren, and older great-grandchildren all around, teary-eyed at the approaching finale of a very long and productive life. The old man is in a terminal coma, and the doctors have confirmed that the waiting will be over within the next twenty-four hours. Suddenly, the old man opens his eyes and croaks: "I must be dreaming of heaven! I smell your grandmother's strudel!"

      "No, grandfather, you are not dreaming. Grandmother is baking strudel now."

      "I know I will never have another taste of her delicious strudel after this one. Could you please go down and get me a piece?", the old man begs with what is left of his final breath.

      One of the grandchildren is immediately dispatched to honor the old man's last request. After a long time, he returns empty-handed.

      "Did you bring me one last piece of your grandmother's delicious strudel?" the old man plaintively queries.

      "I'm very sorry, grandfather, but she says it's for the funeral."

      Tags:
      • Funeral
      • Children
      • Dream
      • Grandfather
      • Grandmother
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    • A woman, calling Mount Sinai Hospital, said, "Hello, I want to know if a patient is getting better."

      The voice on the other end of the line said, "What is the patient's name and room number?"

      She said, "Yes, darling! She's Sarah Finkel, in Room 302."

      He said, "Oh, yes. Mrs. Finkel is doing very well. In fact, she's had two full meals, her blood pressure is fine, she's going to be taken off the heart monitor in a couple of hours and if she continues this improvement, Dr. Cohen is going to send her home Tuesday."

      The woman said, "Thank God! That's wonderful! Oh! That's fantastic! That's wonderful news!"

      The man on the phone said, "From your enthusiasm, I take it you must be a close family member or a very close friend!"

      She said, "I'm Sarah Finkel in 302! Cohen, my doctor, doesn't tell me a word!"

      Tags:
      • Doctor
      • Hospital
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    • How many managers does it take to change a light bulb?

      1) A roomful - they have to hold a meeting to discuss all the ramifications of the change.

      2) None, they like to keep employees in the dark.

      3) "This topic was resumed from last week's discussion, but is incomplete pending resolution of some action items. It will be continued next week. Meanwhile ..."

      4) "We've formed a task-force to study the problem of why light bulbs burn out, and to figure out what, exactly, we as supervisors can do to make the bulbs work smarter, not harder."

      Tags:
      • Manager
      • Office
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    • A boy in bath with his mum asks: "What's that hairy thing?

      Mum says:"That's my sponge.

      The says: "Oh yeah, babysitters got one too. I have seen her washing Dads face with it."

      Tags:
      • Babysitter
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    • Good post. I study something more challenging on completely different blogs everyday. It is going to all the time be stimulating to learn content material from different writers and practice somewhat one thing from their store. I fdddkkaabbakeekg

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    • It was a hot summer day, and the old courthouse was just as hot. The air was thick and humid, and the jury was having a hard time staying focused. One of the jurors succumbed to the heat, falling asleep just as the victim was being questioned by the prosecutor.

      "The defendant is accused of making obscene phone calls to your home. Would you please tell the jury precisely what the defendant said when he called you," asked the prosecutor.

      "I can't do that," the victim replied. "It was so crude and disgusting. I can't use language like that."

      "Would it help to just write it down?"

      The victim wrote out every detail of what the obscene caller had said, and passed the note to the judge. The judge read the note. It was then passed to the prosecutor, the defense attorney, and finally to the jury.

      The sleeping juror was seated at the back corner of the jury box, and was the last to receive the note. He was awoken with a nudge from an attractive young juror, seated next to him, and she passed him the note. He read it, gazed in awe at the woman, and read it again. He turned to her, smiling broadly, and winked. He then put the note into his pocket.

      The judge demanded, "Please pass that note to the bailiff."

      "But your honor," the juror protested, "It's a private matter."

      Tags:
      • Court
      • Judge
      • Sleep
      • Language
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    • On little Larry's first day of first grade, he raised his hand as soon as the teacher came into the room and said, "I don't belong here, I should be in third grade!"

      The teacher looked at little Larry's records and told him to please take his seat.

      Not five minutes passed when little Larry stood up again and said, "I don't belong here, I should be in the third grade!"

      Larry did this a few more times before the principal came along and the teacher explained Larry's problem. The principal and the first grade teacher told little Larry that if he could answer some questions that they could decide in which grade he belonged. Well, they soon discovered that Larry knew all the state capitals and country capitals that the principal could think of.

      The teacher suggested they try some biology questions ... "What does a cow have 4 of but a woman has only 2?" asked the teacher.

      "Legs!" Larry immediately replied. "What does a man have in his pants that a woman doesn't?" asked the teacher.

      "Pockets!" said Larry.

      The teacher looked at the principal, who said, "Maybe he should be in third grade, I missed those last two questions!"

      Tags:
      • Teacher
      • Principal
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    • A family of moles had been hibernating all winter. One beautiful spring morning, they woke up. The father mole stuck his head out of the hole and looked around. "Mother Mole!" He called back down the hole. "Come up here! I smell honey, fresh made honey!" The mother mole ran up and squeezed in next to him. "That's not honey, that's maple syrup! I smell maple syrup!" The baby mole, still down in the hole, was sulking. "I can't smell anything down here but molasses ..."

      Tags:
      • Animal
      • Maple syrup
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    • In Computer Heaven:

      The management is from Intel,
      The design and construction is done by Apple,
      The marketing is done by Microsoft,
      IBM provides the support,
      Gateway determines the pricing.

      In Computer Hell:

      The management is from Apple,
      Microsoft does design and construction,
      IBM handles the marketing,
      The support is from Gateway,
      Intel sets the price.

      Tags:
      • Hell
      • Apple
      • Heaven
      • Computer
      • Microsoft
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    • A little boy came down for breakfast one morning and asked his grandma, "Where's Mom and dad?" and she replied, "they're up in bed."

      The little boy started to giggle and ate his breakfast and went out to play. Then he came back in for lunch and asked his grandma "where's Mom and Dad?" and she replied "they're still up in bed."

      Again the little boy started to giggle and he ate his lunch and went out to play. Then the little boy came in for dinner and once again he asked his grandma "where's Mom and dad?" and his grandmother replied "they're still up in bed."

      The little boy started to laugh and his grandmother asked, "what gives? Every time I tell you they're still up in bed you start to laugh! what is going on here?" The little boy replied, "well last night daddy came into my bedroom and asked me for the Vaseline and I gave him super glue."

      Tags:
      • Breakfast
      • Grandmother
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    • Two blondes were walking through the woods and they came to some tracks.

      The first blonde said: "These look like deer tracks."

      And the other one said: "No they look like moose tracks."

      They argued and argued for a while and they were still arguing when the train hit them.

      Tags:
      • Train
      • Blonde
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    • A mother is at the sink washing dishes and her little girl is looking at her. The little girl notices a few strands of gray hair in her mom's otherwise dark head of hair. She asks her mom why she has some gray hairs.

      The mom replies, "Well, every time you make me cry or make me angry, I get a gray hair." Satisfied, the mother continues washing dishes.

      The little girl thinks for a few minutes and then asks, "Well what did you do to Grandma?"

      Tags:
      • Mother
      • Grandmother
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    • A girl came home from school one day when her mother asked her if she could take out the trash. The daughter replied, "Sorry, mom, I have to do Math."

      The mother was proud of her daughter for being so dedicated to her schoolwork and let it slide. An hour passed and the mother started to wonder where her daughter was. She went to her daughter's room and knocked. "Don't come in, Mom; I'm doing Math!"

      Her mother thought this was a bit odd but let her daughter be. It was passed dinner time, and she began to get worried. The daughter came downstairs for a glass of water and the mother said, "Have you started your other homework?" The daughter replied, "Nope, I'm still doing Math," and walked back upstairs.

      At 9 o'clock the daughter asked for dinner before she went to bed. Her Mom asked, "What, do you want to eat before you are done with Math?" The daughter laughed and said, "Ooh Mom, Math left!"

      Tags:
      • Daughter
      • Homework
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    • A chemist walks into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist, "Do you have any acetylsalicylic acid?"

      "You mean aspirin?" asked the pharmacist.

      "That's it, I can never remember that word."

      Tags:
      • Aspirin
      • Pharmacy
      • Chemistry
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    • In days of old, when knights were bold, this particular knight was leaving for a crusade and called one of his squires: "I'm leaving for the crusade.
      Here is the key to my wife's chastity belt. If, in 10 years, I haven't returned, you may use the key as I'm sure she will have needs."

      The knight sets out on the dusty road, armored from head to toe. He takes one last look at his castle and sees the squire rushing across the drawbridge, yelling, "Stop! Stop! Thank goodness I was able to catch you. This is the wrong key."

      Tags:
      • Knight
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    • Two guys work for the city: one furiously digs a hole, the other quickly fills the hole.

      A confused passerby asks: "Why do you dig a hole and fill it up again?"

      The digger leans on his shovel and replies: "The lazy jackass who plants the trees is sick again today."

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    • An elephant saw an ant passing by. She was carrying some beautiful material with her.

      The elephant asked, "where are you going ant, carrying that beautiful material with you?".

      "I am going to a dressmaker to get my dress sewn." The ant said.

      "If some material is left over, can you ask the dressmaker to make me swimshorts?"

      Tags:
      • Elephant
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    • Golf rules for beginners:

      1) Back straight, knees bent, feet shoulder width apart.
      2) Form a loose grip.
      3) Keep your head down.
      4) Avoid a quick back swing.
      5) Stay out of the water.
      6) Try not to hit anyone.
      7) If you are taking too long, please let others go ahead of you.
      8) Don't stand directly in front of others.
      9) Quiet please ... while others are preparing to go.
      10) Don't take extra strokes.

      Now, that's very good. Flush the urinal, go outside, and tee off.

      Tags:
      • Golf
      • Rules
      • Urination
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    • Natalie had three very active young sons and they were quite a handful. One summer evening she was playing cowboys and Indians with them in her front garden when one of the boys "shot" her and shouted "Bang! You're dead, Mum," so Natalie fell down.

      Her next door neighbour had been watching all this and when Natalie didn't get up straight away, he ran over to see if she had been hurt in the fall.

      When the neighbour bent over her, Natalie opened one eye and said to him, "Shhh. Please don't give me away, it's the only chance I've had to have a rest all day."

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    • A brunette, a redhead, and a blonde step on a magical rug that causes anyone who lies while stepping on it to vanish into this air.

      The brunette thought for a moment, stepped on the rug, and said, "I think I am the sexiest thing that ever lived."

      She vanished with a pop.
      The redhead realized she could never be so vain. So she stepped on the rug and simply said, "I think am smart."

      She vanished with another loud pop.
      Finally, the blonde stepped onto the rug. Confidently, she said "I think-"
      *pop*

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    • An old man was wondering if his wife had a hearing problem. So one night, he stood behind her while she was sitting in her lounge chair.

      He spoke softly to her, "Honey, can you hear me?" There was no response.

      He moved a little closer and said again, "Honey, can you hear me?" Still, there was no response.

      Finally he moved right behind her and said, "Honey, can you hear me?"

      She replied, "For the third time, Yes!"

      Tags:
      • Wife
      • Hearing
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    • A little girl asked her mother, "How did the human race appear?"

      The mother answered, "God made Adam and Eve and they had children, and so was all mankind made ..."

      Two days later the girl asked her father the same question.

      The father answered, "Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved."

      The confused girl returned to her mother and said, "Mom, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said they developed from monkeys?"

      The mother answered, "Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his!"

      Tags:
      • Father
      • Mother
      • Children
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    • A pilot is flying a small, single-engine, charter plane with a couple of really important executives on board into Seattle airport. There is fog so thick that visibility is 40 feet, and his instruments are out. He circles looking for a landmark and after an hour, he is low on fuel and his passengers are very nervous. At last, through a small opening in the fog he sees a tall building with one guy working alone on the fifth floor. Circling, the pilot banks and shouts through his open window: "Hey, where am I?". The solitary office worker replies: "You're in an airplane.". The pilot immediately executes a swift 275 degree turn and executes a perfect blind landing on the airport's runway five miles away. Just as the plane stops, the engines cough and die from lack of fuel. The stunned passengers ask the pilot how he did it. "Elementary," replies the pilot, "I asked the guy in that building a simple question. The answer he gave me was 100% correct but absolutely useless; therefore, I knew that must be Microsoft's support office and from there the airport is three minutes away on a course of 87 degrees."

      Tags:
      • Pilot
      • Airport
      • Airplane
      • Business
      • Microsoft
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    • Teacher: "How much is half of 8?"

      Little Johnny: "Up and down or across?"

      Teacher: "What do you mean?"

      Little Johnny: "Well, up and down makes a 3 or across the middle leaves a 0!"

      Tags:
      • Little Johnny
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    • Mother: "How was math today?"

      Little Johnny: "Our teacher has a bad memory. For three days she asked us how much is two and two. We told her it was four. But she still doesn't know. Today she asked us again!"

      Tags:
      • Little Johnny
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    • A soldier serving in Hong Kong was annoyed and upset when his girl wrote breaking off their engagement and asking for her photograph back.

      He went out and collected from his friends all the unwanted photos of women that he could find.

      He bundled them all together and sent them back with a note saying: "I regret to inform you that I cannot remember which is yours, please keep your photo and return the others."

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    • A proof that men have better friends:

      A woman didn't come home one night. Next morning she told her husband she had slept over at a friends house. Husband calls her 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it.

      Man didn't come home one night. Next morning he says he slept over at a friends house. Wife calls his 10 best friends. Eight confirmed that he slept over and two said he was still there.

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    • One day an old woman walked into a shop and got some dog food, she went to pay for it and the cashier said you can't buy that dog food we need evidence that you have a dog, so she brought in her dog and she got the dog food.

      The next day the same old lady went to get some cat food and the cashier said you can't have that cat food we need evidence that you have a cat, so she went home and got her cat and she got the cat food.

      Next day the same old lady went in again and she had a box, she told the cashier to put her finger in it, so she did. She said it felt warm and soft, the little old lady then said now you're satisfied can I have some toilet paper please!

      Tags:
      • Cat
      • Dog
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    • An 80 year old couple were having problems remembering things, so they decided to go to their doctor to get checked out to make sure nothing was wrong with them.

      When they arrived at the doctors, they explained to the doctor about the problems they were having with their memory. After checking the couple out, the doctor told them that they were physically okay but might want to start writing things down and make notes to help them remember things. The couple thanked the doctor and left.

      Later that night while watching TV, the man got up from his chair and his wife asked, "Where are you going?"

      He replied, "To the kitchen."

      She asked, "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"

      He replied, "Sure."

      She then asked him, "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?"

      He said, "No, I can remember that."

      She then said, "Well I would also like some strawberries on top. You had better write that down because I know you'll forget that."

      He said, "I can remember that, you want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."

      She replied, "Well I also would like whipped cream on top. I know you will forget that so you better write it down."

      With irritation in his voice, he said, "I don't need to write that down! I can remember that." He then fumes into the kitchen.

      After about 20 minutes he returned from the kitchen and handed her a plate of bacon and eggs. She stared at the plate for a moment and said angrily:

      "I TOLD you to write it down! You forgot my toast!"

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    • Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.

      After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.

      On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.

      "I don't know," he said. "She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown."

      Tags:
      • Bathroom
      • Elevator
      • Hospital
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    • George W. Bush was getting off of Airforce One in Israel, when he walked passed Moses, who didn't seem to notice him.

      He turned to Moses and said: "I am George W. Bush, the President of the USA, the most powerful nation on earth. Why didn't you greet me?"

      Moses replied: "The last time I spoke to a bush, we starved for 40 years!"

      Tags:
      • President
      • George W. Bush
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    • A soldier ran up to a Nun. Out of breath he asked: "Please, may I hide under your skirt I'll explain later."

      The nun accepted his request.

      A moment later, two Military Police ran up and asked: "Sister have you seen a soldier?"

      The nun replied: "He went that way."

      After the MP's ran off, the soldier crawled out under her skirt and said, 'I can't thank you enough Sister. I hope you will understand, "I don't want to go to Iraq."

      The nun said: "I understand completely".

      The soldier added: "I hope I am not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!"

      The nun replied: "If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls. I don't want to go to Iraq either."

      Tags:
      • Nun
      • Iraq
      • Soldier
      • Military
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    • A missionary who had spent years showing a tribe of natives how to farm and build things to be self sufficient gets word that he is to return home.

      He realizes that the one thing he never taught the natives was how to speak English, so he takes the chief and starts walking in the forest. He points to a tree and says to the chief: "This is a tree."

      The chief looks at the tree and grunts: "Tree."

      The missionary is pleased with the response.

      They walk a little farther and the padre points to a rock and says: "This is a rock."

      Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts: "Rock."

      The padre is really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes. As he peeks over the top, he sees a couple in the midst of heavy romantic activity. The padre is really flustered and quickly responds: "Riding a bike."

      The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blow gun and kills them!

      The padre goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and kind to each other! How could he just kill these people in cold blood that way?

      The chief replied: "My bike."

      Tags:
      • Tree
      • Bicycle
      • Missionary
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    • A passenger train is creeping along, slowly. Finally it creaks to a halt. A passenger sees a conductor walking by outside.

      "What's going on?" she yells out the window.

      "Cow on the track!" replies the conductor.

      Ten minutes later, the train resumes its slow pace.

      Within five minutes, however, it stops again.

      The woman sees the same conductor walk again.

      She leans out the window and yells, "What happened? Did we catch up with the cow again?"

      Tags:
      • Cow
      • Train
      • Conductor
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    • Why are married women heavier than single women?

      Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

      Tags:
      • Women
      • Marriage
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    • A guy walks into a store to buy a new computer. So he takes the computer home and sets it up on his desk.

      Creating a master account the computer asks him for his password. He enters the word penis.

      The computer responds: "Your password is not long enough!"

      Tags:
      • Computer
      • Password
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    • I came out of a shop munching on a huge pork pie.

      A tramp was sitting on the pavement, he looked up at me and said: "I have not eaten for 3 days!"

      I said: "I wish I had your willpower!"

      Tags:
      • Pork
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    • "Honey," said this husband to his wife, "I invited a friend home for supper."

      "What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I haven't been shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don't feel like cooking a fancy meal!"

      "I know all that."

      "Then why did you invite a friend for supper?"

      "Because the poor fool's thinking about getting married."

      Tags:
      • Wife
      • Dinner
      • Husband
      • Marriage
      • Shopping
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    • A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem.

      Little Johnny replied: "They couldn't get a baby sitter."

      Tags:
      • Jesus
      • School
      • Jerusalem
      • Little Johnny
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    • A police officer sees a man driving around with a pickup truck full of penguins. He pulls the guy over and says: "You can't drive around with penguins in this town! Take them to the zoo immediately."

      The guy says OK, and drives away.

      The next day, the officer sees the guy still driving around with the truck full of penguins, and they're all wearing sun glasses. He pulls the guy over and demands: "I thought I told you to take these penguins to the zoo yesterday?"

      The guy replies: "I did ... today I'm taking them to the beach!"

      Tags:
      • Zoo
      • Beach
      • Police
      • Penguin
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    • The psychology teacher had just finished a lecture on mental health and had proceeded to give an oral quiz to the students. Speaking specifically about manic depression, the teacher asked, "How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?"

      A young man in the rear of the room raised his hand and answered, "A basketball coach?"

      Tags:
      • Student
      • Teacher
      • Basketball
      • Depression
      • Psychology
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    • A man left work one Friday afternoon. Being payday, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend hunting with the boys and spent his entire paycheck. When he finally appeared at home, Sunday night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions.

      Finally, his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?"

      To which he replied, "That would be fine with me."

      Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.

      Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

      Tags:
      • Wife
      • Hunting
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    • A new pastor moved into town and went out one Saturday to visit his community. All went well until he came to one house. It was obvious that someone was home, but no one came to the door even after he knocked several times. Finally, he took out his card, wrote on the back "Revelation 3: 20" and stuck it in the door.

      The next day, as he was counting the offering he found his card in the collection plate. Below his message was a notation "Genesis 3: 10." Upon opening his Bible to the passage he let out a roar of laughter.

      Revelation 3: 20 reads: (Pastors note) "Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If any man hear my voice, and opens the door, I will come into him, and will dine with him, and he with me."

      Genesis 3: 10 reads: "And he said, I heard thy voice in the garden, and I was afraid, because I was naked."

      Tags:
      • Fear
      • Counting
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    • After a long night of passion, the young guy rolled over, pulled out a cigarette from his jeans and searched for his lighter. Unable to find it, he asked the girl if she had one at hand.

      "There might be some matches in the top drawer," she replied.

      He opened the drawer of the bedside table and found a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man. Naturally, the guy began to worry.

      "Is this your husband?" he inquired nervously.

      "No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him.

      "Your boyfriend then?" he asked.

      "No, not at all," she said, nibbling away at his ear.

      "Well, who is he then?" demanded the bewildered guy.

      Calmly, Sally replied, "That's me before the operation."

      Tags:
      • Boyfriend
      • Cigarette
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    • When Bob found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with. So one evening he went to a singles bar where he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.

      Her natural beauty took his breath away. "I may look like just an ordinary man," he said as he walked up to her, "but in just a week or two my father will die, and I'll inherit 20 million dollars."

      Impressed, the woman went home with him that evening.

      Three days later, she became his stepmother.

      Tags:
      • Father
      • Stepmother
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    • What has no shape, you can't see it, travels fast, creates a sonicboom, and kills with deadly accuracy?

      Whatever you do to answer, don't look at that fat guy eating a plate of beans ...

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    • How many actors does it take to change a light bulb?

      1) Five. One to climb the ladder, four to say "That should be me up there!"
      2) None. The stunt double does it for them.

      Tags:
      • Actor
      • Lightbulb
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    • Cessna: "Jones tower, Cessna 12345, student pilot, I am out of fuel."

      Tower: "Roger Cessna 12345, reduce airspeed to best glide!! Do you have the airfield in sight?!?!!"

      Cessna: "Uh ... tower, I am on the south ramp; I just want to know where the fuel truck is."

      Tags:
      • Pilot
      • Airplane
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    • A little kid asks his father, "Daddy, is God a man or a woman?"

      "Both son. God is both."

      After a while the kid comes again and asks, "Daddy, is God black or white?"

      "Both son, both."

      The child returns a few minutes later and says, "Daddy, is Michael Jackson God?"

      Tags:
      • Michael Jackson
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    • A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?"

      "What dear?" she asked gently, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.

      "I think you're bad luck."

      Tags:
      • Husband
      • Business
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    • In a small town in the US, there is a rather sizable factory that hires only married men. Concerned about this, a local woman called on the manager and asked him, "Why is it you limit your employees to married men? Is it because you think women are weak, dumb, cantankerous ... or what?"

      "Not at all, Ma'am," the manager replied. "It is because our employees are used to obeying orders, are accustomed to being shoved around, know how to keep their mouths shut and don't pout when I yell at them."

      Tags:
      • Men
      • Office
      • Small town
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    • One day, Little Johnny's teacher, Miss Figpot asked the class if they could name some things you can suck!"

      "Ice cream, ma'am!" Little Mary answered.

      "Good, Mary." Miss Figpot said, "Anyone else?". "How about a lollipop!" said Steven.

      "Very good, now it's your turn Johnny!", the teacher said.

      Little Johnny, sitting at back then answered, "A lamp!".

      The teacher and all of the students wondered about his answer. The teacher asked him, "Johnny, why do you think one can suck a lamp?"

      Last night when I passed my parents room", Little Johnny answered, "I heard my mom say, turn off the lamp, honey and let me suck it."

      Tags:
      • Lamp
      • Teacher
      • Little Johnny
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    • Having just moved into his new office, a pompous, new colonel was sitting at his desk when an airman knocked on the door. Conscious of his new position, the colonel quickly picked up the phone, told the airman to enter, then said into the phone,
      "Yes, General, I'll be seeing him this afternoon and I'll pass along your message. In the meantime, thank you for your good wishes, sir."

      Feeling as though he had sufficiently impressed the young enlisted man, he asked, "What do you want?"

      "Nothing important, sir," the airman replied, "I'm just here to hook up your telephone."

      Tags:
      • Colonel
      • Telephone
      00
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    • Billy Bob and Luther were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells Luther, "Ya know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a vacation. Only this year I'm gonna do it a little different!

      The last few years, I took your advice about where to go. Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Earline got pregnant.

      Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Earline got pregnant again.

      Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Earline didn't get pregnant again."

      Luther asks Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna do this year that's different?"

      Billy Bob says, "This year I'm taking Earline with me."

      Tags:
      • Hawaii
      • Vacation
      • Pregnancy
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    • A very logical and somewhat cold calculating professor of mathematics sent this fax to his wife:

      Dear Wife,

      You must realize that now you are 54 years old, and I have certain needs which you are no longer able to satisfy. I am otherwise happy with you as a wife, and I sincerely hope you will not be hurt or offended to learn that by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Grand Hotel with my 18 year old teaching assistant. I'll be home before midnight.

      Your Husband,
      Professor Malone When he arrived at the hotel, there was a faxed letter waiting for him that read as follows:

      Dear Husband,

      You, too, are 54 years old and by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with the 18 year old pool boy. Since you are a mathematician, you will appreciate that 18 goes into 54 more times than 54 goes into 18.

      Your Wife.

      Tags:
      • Professor
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    • Little Susie was watching her father, a pastor, write a sermon.

      "How do you know what to say?" she asked.

      "Why, God tells me."

      "Oh, then why do you keep crossing things out?"

      Tags:
      • God
      • Children
      • Priest
      • Sermon
      • Little Susie
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    • A Sunday school teacher is concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus, so he asks his class, "Where is Jesus today?"

      Steven raises his hand and says, "He's in Heaven."

      Mary answers, "He's in my heart."

      Little Johnny waves his hand furiously and blurts out, "He's in our bathroom!"

      The surprised teacher asks Little Johnny how he knows this.

      "Well," Little Johnny says, "every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door and yells 'Jesus Christ, are you still in there?!'"

      Tags:
      • Jesus
      • Bathroom
      • Jesus
      • Little Johnny
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    • A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.

      His friend says: "Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man."

      The man then replies: "Yeah, well we were married 35 years."

      Tags:
      • Golf
      • Funeral
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    • Why do violists leave their instrument cases on the dashboards of their cars?

      1) So they can park in "handicapped" parking places.
      2) If someone mistakes them for mafia, they might get some respect.

      Tags:
      • Mafia
      • Viola
      • Handicapped
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    • Employer to applicant: "In this job we need someone who is responsible."

      Applicant: "I'm the one you want. On my last job, every time anything went wrong, they said I was responsible."

      Tags:
      • Office
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    • Dianne goes to the doctor, and says, "Doctor, I've got a bit of a problem. I'll have to take my clothes off to show you."

      The doctor tells her to go behind the screen and disrobe. She does so, and the doctor goes round to see her when she is ready.

      "Well, what is it?" he asks.

      "It's a bit embarrassing," she replies. "These two green circles have appeared on the inside of my thighs."

      The doctor examines her and finally admits he has no idea what the cause is. Then he suddenly asks, "Is your boyfriend a Harley rider?"

      The woman blushes and says, "Well, actually he is."

      "That's the problem," the doctor says. "Tell him his earrings aren't real gold."

      Tags:
      • Doctor
      • Boyfriend
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    • Little Johnny's new baby brother was screaming up a storm. He asked his mom, "Where'd we get him?"

      His mother replied, "He came from heaven, Johnny."

      Johnny says, "WOW! I can see why they threw him out!"

      Tags:
      • Baby
      • Heaven
      • Little Johnny
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    • A grizzled old man was eating in a truck stop when three members of a motorcycle gang walked in.

      The first walked up to the old man and pushed his cigarette into the old man's pie, and then took a seat at the counter.

      The second walked up to the old man and spat into the old man's milk, and then he took a seat at the counter.

      The third walked up to the old man and turned over the old man's plate, and then he took a seat at the counter.

      Without a word of protest, the old man quietly left the diner.

      Shortly thereafter, one of the bikers said to the waitress, "Humph, not much of a man, was he?"

      The waitress replied, "Not much of a truck driver either. He just backed his truck over three motorcycles."

      Tags:
      • Waitress
      • Cigarette
      • Motorcycle
      • Truck Driver
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    • One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are seated waiting for the pilot to show up so they can get under way.

      The pilot and copilot finally appear in the rear of the plane and begin walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle. Both appear to be blind; the pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right and left as he stumbles down the aisle. The copilot is using a guide dog. Both have their eyes covered with sunglasses.

      At first, the passengers do not react thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke. After a few minutes though, the engines start revving, and the airplane begins moving down the runway.

      The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness. They start whispering among themselves and look desperately to the stewardesses for reassurance.

      Yet, the plane starts accelerating rapidly, and people begin panicking. Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer and closer to the end of the runway, the voices are becoming more and more hysterical.

      When the plane has less than twenty feet of runway left, there is a sudden change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone screams at once. At the very last moment, the plane lifts off and is airborne.

      Up in the cockpit, the copilot breathes a sigh of relief and tells the pilot: "You know, one of these days the passengers aren't going to scream, and we aren't going to know when to take off!"

      Tags:
      • Pilot
      • Airport
      • Airplane
      • Blindness
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    • A vacuum salesman appeared at the door of an old lady's cottage and, without allowing the woman to speak, rushed into the living room and threw a large bag of dirt all over her clean carpet. He said, "If this new vacuum doesn't pick up every bit of dirt then I'll eat all the dirt."

      The woman, who by this time was losing her patience, said, "Sir, if I had enough money to buy that thing, I would have paid my electricity bill before they cut it off. Now, what would you prefer, a spoon or a knife and fork?"

      Tags:
      • Vacuum
      • Salesman
      • Electricity
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    • A young blind boy is being tucked into bed by his mother. The mom says "Now Billy, pray really hard tonight and tomorrow, your wish will come true!".

      Billy says, "Ok mommy," and goes to sleep.

      The next morning, Billy wakes up and screams, "MOMMY! I'm still blind, my wish didn't come true!"

      "I know," answered the mom. "April Fools!"

      Tags:
      • Wish
      • Children
      • Blindness
      • April fools
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    • There was once a very prim and proper older lady who had a problem with passing gas. Since she came from a generation when people didn't even talk about this kind of problem it took a long time for her to seek help. Finally, however, she was persuaded to consult her family doctor.

      After she filled out all the proper forms and had waited about 20 minutes in the waiting room the doctor called her into his office, leaned back in his chair, folded his hands into a steeple and asked her how he could help.

      "Doctor," she said, "I have a very bad gas problem. Yesterday afternoon I had lunch with the Secretary of State and his wife and had six, um, er, ahhh ... silent gas emissions. Last night I had dinner with the governor and his wife and had four silent gas emissions. Then, while sitting in your waiting room I had five silent gas emissions! Doctor, you've got to help me! What can we do?"

      "Well," said the doctor raising his voice a little, "I think the first thing we're going to do is give you a hearing test."

      Tags:
      • Doctor
      • Hearing
      • Secretary
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    • The angry wife met her husband at the door. There was alcohol on his breath and lipstick on his cheek. "I assume," she snarled, "that there is a very good reason for you to come waltzing in at six o'clock in the morning?"

      "There is." he replied, "Breakfast."

      Tags:
      • Wife
      • Alcohol
      • Husband
      • Lipstick
      • Breakfast
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    • The bride, upon her engagement, went to her mother and said, "I've found a man just like father!"

      Her mother replied, "So what do you want from me, sympathy?"

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    • Hillary Clinton died and went to heaven. As she stood in front of Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates, she saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. She asked, "What are all those clocks?"

      Saint Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock.
      Every time you lie, the hands on your clock will move."

      "Oh,"said Hillary,"whose clock is that?"

      "That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved indicating that she never told a lie."

      "Whose clock is that?"

      "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have only moved twice telling us that Abe only told 2 lies in his entire life."

      "Where's Bill's clock?"Hillary asked.

      "Bill's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."

      Tags:
      • St. Peter
      • Mother Teresa
      • Abraham Lincoln
      • Hillary Clinton
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    • Bill Clinton, George W. Bush and George Washington are on a sinking ship.

      As the boat sinks, George Washington heroically shouts: "Save the women!"

      George W. Bush hysterically hollers: "Screw the women!"

      Bill Clinton's asks excitedly: "Do we have time?"

      Tags:
      • Women
      • Bill Clinton
      • George W. Bush
      • George Washington
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    • Two church members were going door to door, and knocked on the door of a woman who was not happy to see them. She told them in no uncertain terms that she did not want to hear their message and slammed the door in their faces. To her surprise, however, the door did not close and, in fact, bounced back open. She tried again, really put her back into it, and slammed the door again with the same result-the door bounced back open.

      Convinced these rude young people were sticking their foot in the door, she reared back to give it a slam that would teach them a lesson, when one of them said, "Ma'am, before you do that again, you need to move your cat."

      Tags:
      • Cat
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    • The Secretary of Defense is briefing President Bush on Iraq. "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed."

      "Oh no!" exclaims the president, "That's terrible!" His staff is stunned at this unprecedented display of emotion, watching as Bush sits, head in hands.

      Finally, he looks up and asks, "How many is a brazillion?"

      Tags:
      • President
      • Secretary
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    • There was a boy who had to use an outhouse and he hated it sooo bad. One day it started to rain really hard and it got the bank all slippery and wet so he decided to push it off. He did it and later that night his father asked him if he pushed off the outhouse.

      He said: "Yes."

      His father told his son to come with him to get his whipping.

      The boy said: "George Washington didn't get in trouble when he chopped down the cherry tree because he was honest."

      The boys father said: "but George Washingtons father wasn't in the cherry tree when he chopped it down."

      Tags:
      • Father
      • George Washington
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    • A lady who was known as Churchill's main rival in parliament was giving a speech. Churchill, with his usual enthusiasm for his rival, dozed off while the lady was speaking. She stopped her speech and awoke Sir Winston by yelling, "Mr. Churchill, must you sleep while I talk?" Churchill sleepily replied, "No, ma'am. I do so purely by choice."

      Tags:
      • Sleep
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    • One day in class the teacher brought a bag full of fruit. "Now class, I'm going to reach into the bag and describe a piece of fruit, and you tell what fruit I'm talking about. Okay, first: it's round, plump and red."

      Of course, Johnny raised his hand high, but the teacher, wisely ignored him and picked Deborah, who promptly answered "An apple." The teacher replied, "No Deborah, it's a beet, but I like your thinking." Now for the second. It's soft, fuzzy, and colored red and brownish."

      Well, Johnny is hopping up and down in his seat trying to get the teacher to call on him. But she skips him again and calls on Billy."Is it a peach?"Billy asks."No, Billy, I'm afraid it's a potato. But I like your thinking,"the teacher replies. Here's another: it's long, yellow, and fairly hard."

      By now Johnny is about to explode as he waves his hand frantically. The teacher skips him again and calls on Sally. "A banana," she says. "No," the teacher replies, "it's a squash, but I like your thinking."

      Johnny is kind of irritated now, so he speaks up loudly. "Hey, I've got one for you teacher; let me put my hand in my pocket. Okay, I've got it: it's round, hard, and it's got a head on it." "Johnny!" she cries. "That's disgusting!" "Nope," answers Johnny, "it's a quarter, but I like your thinking!"

      Tags:
      • Fear
      • Fruit
      • Teacher
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    • A nurse from England was on duty in the emergency department, when a punk rocker entered.

      This young woman had purple hair styled into a mohawk, a variety of tattoos and strange clothing.

      It was determined that the patient had acute appendicitis and was scheduled for immediate surgery.

      When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff found that her pubic hair had been dyed green and above it was a tattoo reading: 'keep off the grass.'

      After the prep and the surgery, the surgeon added a small note to the dressing which said: "Sorry, had to mow the lawn."

      Tags:
      • Nurse
      • Surgery
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    • One Sunday morning, the priest noticed Little Johnny was staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. It was covered with names, and small American flags were mounted on either side of it.

      The seven-year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the priest walked up, stood beside the boy, and said quietly, "Good morning, Little Johnny."

      Little Johnny: "Good morning! Father Scott, what is this?"

      Father Scott:"Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service."

      Little Johnny:"The 9:45 or the 11:15?"

      Tags:
      • America
      • Little Johnny
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    • Many years ago when I was 23, I got married to a widow. This widow had a grown up daughter.

      My father fell in love with her, and soon they got married too.

      This made my Dad my son-in-law and changed my very life.

      My daughter was my mother too because she was my father's wife!

      After a few years I became the father of a baby boy complicating the matter further. My son became the brother-in-law of my father!

      Tags:
      • Daughter
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    • THIS HEADQUARTERS REQUIRES NO PHYSICAL FITNESS PROGRAM. Everyone here gets enough exercise:

      1) Jumping to conclusions.
      2) Flying off the handle.
      3) Carrying things too far.
      4) Dodging responsibilities and
      5) Pushing their luck.

      Tags:
      • Fitness
      • Exercise
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    • Did you hear about the terrorists who took a courthouse full of lawyers hostage?

      They threatened to release one every hour unless their demands were met.

      Tags:
      • Court
      • Lawyer
      • Terrorist
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    • A blonde, a redhead, and a brunette were seeing who could swim a whole mile straight.

      The brunette swam 1/4 of the way there.

      The redhead swam 1/3 of the way there.

      The blonde swam 1/2 of the way there, got tired, and swam back.

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    • Little Johnny came home from school to see the family's pet rooster dead in the front yard. Rigor Mortis had set in and it was flat on its back with its legs in the air. When his Dad came home Johnny said, "Dad our rooster is dead and his legs are sticking in the air. Why are his legs sticking in the air?"

      His father thinking quickly said, "Son, that's so God can reach down from the clouds and lift the rooster straight up to heaven."

      "Gee Dad that's great," said Little Johnny. A few days later, when Dad came home from work, Johnny rushed out to meet him yelling, "Dad, Dad we almost lost Mom today!"

      "What do you mean?" said Dad.

      "Well Dad, I got home from school early today and went up to your bedroom and there was Mom flat on her back with her legs in the air screaming,"Jesus I'm coming, I'm coming"If it hadn't of been for Uncle George holding her down we'd have lost her for sure!"

      Tags:
      • God
      • Pet
      • Jesus
      • Little Johnny
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    • Jon and Dan are in a mental institution which has an annual contest that picks two of the best patients and gives them two questions. If they answer correctly, they are released.

      Jon is called into the doctor's office first. The doctor says: "Jon, what would happen if I poked out one of your eyes?"

      Jon says: "I'd be half blind."

      "That's correct. What would happen if I poked out both your eyes?"

      "I'd be completely blind." The doctor tells him that he is free to go. On Jon's way out he tells Dan the questions and answers.

      The doctor asks Dan: "What would happen if I cut off one of your ears?"

      Dan says: "I'd be half blind."

      The doctor, slightly puzzled, continues, "What would happen if I cut off both your ears?"

      "I'd be completely blind."

      "Dan, how can you explain that you'd be blind?" asks the doctor.

      "Well," replies Dan, "my hat would fall over my eyes."

      Tags:
      • Mental Health
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    • At Sydney University, there were four students taking Organic Chemistry. They did so well on all the quizzes, midterms and labs, etc., that each had an "A" so far for the semester. These four friends were so confident with the finals approaching that the weekend before, they decided to go down to Canberra and party with some friends there.

      They had a great time. However, after all the hard partying, they slept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Sydney until early Monday morning - the morning of their final exam! Rather than taking the final then, they decided to find their professor after the exam and explain to him why they missed it.

      They explained that they had gone to Canberra to do some research in the ANU (Australian National University) archives for the weekend with the plan to come back in time to study, but, unfortunately, they had a flat tire on the way back, didn't have a spare, and couldn't get help for a long time. As a result, they only just arrived now!

      The professor thought it over and then agreed they could make up their final exam the following day. The guys were elated and relieved. They studied hard that night - all night - and went in the next day at the time the professor had told them.

      He placed them in separate rooms and handed each of them a test booklet, (which was out of 100 points) and told them to begin. The first problem was worth five points. It was something simple about free radical formation. Cool, they all thought in their separate rooms, "this is going to be easy."

      Each finished the problem and then turned the page. Question 2 (for 95 points): Which tire?

      Tags:
      • Exam
      • Student
      • Chemistry
      • Professor
      • Australia
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    • An old lady is being examined by a doctor who asks her: "Have you ever been bedridden?"

      The old lady smiles and says: "I certainly have and I've been table ended and back skuttled a few times too!"

      Tags:
      • Doctor
      • Doctor Who
      • Old People
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    • A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary. Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town. A local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage.

      "Well, it dates back to our honeymoon," explained the lady. "We visited the Grand Canyon and took a trip down to the bottom of the canyon by pack mule. We hadn't gone too far when my husband's mule stumbled. My husband quietly said 'That's once.' We proceeded a little farther when the mule stumbled again. Once more my husband quietly said, 'That's twice.' We hadn't gone a half-mile when the mule stumbled a third time. My husband took a pistol from his pocket and shot him.

      I started to protest over his treatment of the mule when he looked at me and quietly said 'That's once.'"

      Tags:
      • Relationship
      • Marriage
      • Reporter
      • Honeymoon
      • Anniversary
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    • A man goes to see a wizard and says: "Can you lift a curse that was put on me years ago?"

      "Maybe" says the wizard, "If you can remember the exact words of the curse."

      The man replies without hesitation: "I now pronounce you as man and wife!"

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    • With the help of a fertility specialist, a 65 year old woman gives birth. All her relatives come to visit and meet the newest member of their family. When they ask to see the baby, the 65 year old mother says: "Not yet."

      A little later they ask to see the baby again. Again the mother says: "Not yet."

      Finally they say: "When can we see the baby?"

      And the mother says: "When the baby cries."

      So they ask: "Why do we have to wait until the baby cries?"

      The new mother says: "I forgot where I put it!"

      Tags:
      • Baby
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    • A Sunday school teacher asked the children, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"

      Little Johnny replied, "Because people are sleeping."

      Tags:
      • Sleep
      • Church
      • Children
      • Little Johnny
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    • A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blonde female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox. She opened it then closed and went back into the house.

      A little later she came out of her house again and went to the mail box. She opened and shut it again. Angrily, she went back to the house.

      As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn she came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it harder than ever.

      Puzzled by her actions the man asked her: "Is something wrong?"

      To which she replied: "There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps saying: 'You've got mail!'"

      Tags:
      • Mail
      • Blonde
      • Computer
      • Neighbor
      • Idiot
      • Getting ready
      00
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    • When I was in London a few months ago, I was approached by a prostitute as I left a club on one of the back streets of Soho. Mainly interested in checking the rate of exchange I assure you, I asked: "How much?"

      "It'll cost ya twenty quid" replied the tart.

      "American Express?" I inquired.

      She gave me an appraising look and said: "You can go as fast as you like" .

      Tags:
      • America
      • Accountant
      • Prostitution
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    • Two frat boys were stranded at sea in a life boat. On the 4th day, a mermaid came up out of the water and offered them one wish to save their lives.

      The frat boys thought about it and one shouted out,"I wish the ocean was a sea of beer." And it happened.

      A little while later the other one shouted,"Great, now we have to pee in the boat!"

      Tags:
      • Beer
      • Wish
      • Urination
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    • At one Army base, the annual trip to the rifle range had been canceled for the second year in a row, but the semi-annual physical fitness test was still on as planned. One soldier mused, "Does it bother anyone else that the Army doesn't seem to care how well we can shoot, but they are extremely interested in how fast we can run?"

      Tags:
      • Army
      • Fitness
      • Soldier
      00
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    • A blonde desperately needed some money, so she decided to kidnap someone. So she went to the park and she grabbed this kid.

      Then she wrote a note saying, "If you ever want to see your child again, leave 10,000 dollars in a paper bag in the northwest corner of the park." then she signed it 'THE BLONDE' and told the kid to give it to his mom.

      The next day she went to the northwest corner of the park and got the paper bag. It had the money in it and a note from the mother that said, "How could you do this to another blonde?"

      Tags:
      • Money
      • Blonde
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    • Macs are for those who don't want to know why their computer works.

      Linux is for those who want to know why their computer works.

      DOS is for those who want to know why their computer doesn't work.

      Windows is for those who don't want to know why their computer doesn't work.

      Tags:
      • Linux
      • Windows
      • Computer
      00
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    • Little Billy wanted $100 badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing happened.

      Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100. When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to God, USA, they decided to send it to President Bush. The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send Billy a $5.00 bill. President Bush thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.

      Billy was delighted with the $5.00 and sat down to write a thank you note to God, which read:

      "Dear God,
      Thank you very much for sending the money, however, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington D.C. and, as usual, those crooks deducted $95.00."

      Thanks,
      Billy

      Tags:
      • President
      • Secretary
      00
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    • A man in Amsterdam feels the need to confess, so he goes to his priest.

      "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. During world war II, I hid a refugee in my attic."

      "Well," answers the priest, "that's not a sin."'

      "But I made him agree to pay me 20 guilders for every week he stayed."

      "I admit that wasn't good, but you did it for a good cause."

      "Oh, thank you, Father. That eases my mind. I have one more question."

      "What is that, my son?"

      "Do I have to tell him the war is over?"

      Tags:
      • Priest
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    • This duck walks into a convenience store and asks the clerk, "Do you have any grapes?" The clerk says no, and the duck leaves.

      The next day, the duck returns and asks, "Do you have any grapes?" The clerk again says no, and the duck leaves.

      The day after that, the duck walks in the store again and asks "Do you have any grapes?" The clerk screams at the duck, "You've come in here the past two days and asked if we had any grapes. I told you no every time that we don't have any grapes! I swear if you come back in here again, and ask for grapes, I'll nail your webbed feet to the floor!!"

      The duck left, and returned the next day. This time he asked, "Do you have any nails?" The clerk replied, "No," and the duck said, "Good! Got any grapes?"

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    • An old man lived alone in Idaho. He wanted to spade his potato garden, but it was very hard work. His only son, Bubba, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.

      ~~~~~~~~~~

      Dear Bubba,

      I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my potato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the lot for me.

      Love Dad.

      ~~~~~~~~~~

      A few days later he received a letter from his son.

      ~~~~~~~~~~

      Dear Dad,

      For heaven's sake, dad, don't dig up that garden, that's where I buried the BODIES!

      Love Bubba,

      ~~~~~~~~~~

      At 4 the next morning, F. B. I. agents and local police showed up and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

      ~~~~~~~~~~

      Dear Dad,

      Go ahead and plant the potatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.

      Love Bubba.

      Tags:
      • Idaho
      • Potato
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    • One day a secretary is leaving on her lunch break, and she notices her boss standing in front of a shredder with a clueless look on his face. The secretary walks up to him and asks if he needs help.

      "Yes!" he says looking and sounding relieved, "This is very important."

      Glad to help, she turns the shredder on and inserts the paper. Then her boss says: "Thanks, I only need one copy."

      Tags:
      • Boss
      • Shredder
      • Secretary
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    • A lecturer teaching medicine was giving a classroom observation. He took out a jar of yellow liquid. "This," he explained, "is urine. To be a doctor, you have to be observant of color, smell, sight, and taste."

      After saying so, he dipped his finger into the jar and put it into his mouth. His class watched in amazement, most in disgust. But being the good students that they were, the jar was passed, and one by one, they dipped their finger into the jar and put it into their mouths.

      After the last student was done, the lecturer shook his head. "If any of you had been observant, you would have noticed that I put my second finger into the jar and my third finger into my mouth."

      Tags:
      • Doctor
      • Student
      • Medicine
      • Urination
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    • A girl is driving along the expressway listening to the radio when she hears a song she really, really likes. When the song is over the announcer says the title of the record was, "Hot Lips and Tender Kisses."

      When she gets home she's very excited about the new song and decides to call her local music store to see if they have the record. Hurriedly, and excitedly, she dials the store's number. But in her excitement, she unknowingly misdialed and got an auto repair shop instead.

      "Hello," the mechanic answers.

      "Oh, yes! Do you have Hot Lips and Tender Kisses?" the girl asks.

      The mechanic was puzzled, but says, "Well, no, but I've got hot pants and seven inches."

      "Oh, is that a record?" she says.

      "No," he says, "but it's better than average."

      Tags:
      • Girl
      • Song
      • Music
      • Driving
      • Mechanic
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    • A man died and was taken to his place of eternal torment by the devil.

      As he passed sulphurous pits and shrieking sinners, he saw a man he recognized as a lawyer snuggling up to a beautiful woman.

      "That's unfair!" he cried. "I have to roast for all eternity, and that lawyer gets to spend it with a beautiful woman."

      "Shut up", barked the devil, jabbing the man with his pitchfork.

      "Who are you to question that woman's punishment?"

      Tags:
      • Satan
      • Lawyer
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    • If it's there and you can see it - it's real.
      If it's not there and you can see it - it's virtual.
      If it's there and you can't see it - it's transparent.
      If it's not there and you can't see it - you erased it!

      Tags:
      • Computer
      00
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    • A young man comes home and says: "Dad, just got my driver's license and would like to use the family car."

      Father replies: "OK son. But, first, you have to get good grades in school, keep your room clean, make the yard is neat, and cut your hair. Come back in a few months and then we'll see."

      Well, several months pass and the young man comes into the house with his report card in his hand. "Dad, I got great marks on my report card. I've been keeping my room as neat as a pin, and the yard is always ship-shape. How about letting me use the car?"

      Father replies: "That's all true, but son you didn't cut your hair."

      Son says: "But, dad, Jesus had long hair."

      Father replies: "Yes, son, you're perfectly right. And he walked everywhere he went!"

      Tags:
      • Driver's License
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    • Teacher: Susie, make a sentence starting with the letter 'I'.

      Susie: "I is ..."

      Teacher: "No, no, no, don't say 'I is', you say 'I am'".

      Susie: "OK, I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."

      Tags:
      • Teacher
      • Alphabet
      00
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    • Teacher: "Give me a sentence with the words defence, defeat and detail in it."

      Little Johnny: "When a horse jumps over defence, defeat go before detail!"

      Tags:
      • Little Johnny
      00
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    • I was having trouble with my computer. So I called John, the 11 year old next door whose bedroom looks like Mission Control, and asked him to come over ...

      John clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.

      As he was walking away, I called after him, "So, what was wrong?"

      He replied, "It was an ID ten T error."

      I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, "An, ID ten T error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again."

      John grinned. "Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?"

      "No," I replied.

      "Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it out."

      So I wrote down: 'I D 1 0 T'.

      Tags:
      • Computer
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    • Husband: "Every time I hit you, you never fight back. How do you manage your anger?"

      Wife: "I clean the toilet seat!"

      Husband: "How does it help?"

      Wife: "I use your toothbrush!"

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    • Shakey went to a psychiatrist. "Doc," he said, "I've got trouble. Every time I get into bed, I think there's somebody under it. I get under the bed, I think there's somebody on top of it. Top, under, top, under. You gotta help me, I'm going crazy!"

      "Just put yourself in my hands for two years," said the shrink. "Come to me three times a week, and I'll cure your fears."

      "How much do you charge?"

      "A hundred dollars per visit."

      "I'll sleep on it," said Shakey.

      Six months later the doctor met Shakey on the street. "Why didn't you ever come to see me again?" asked the psychiatrist.

      "For a hundred buck's a visit? A bartender cured me for ten dollars."

      "Is that so! How?"

      "He told me to cut the legs off the bed!"

      Tags:
      • Bar
      • Sleep
      • Psychiatry
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    • An old preacher was dying. He sent a message for his banker and his lawyer, both church members, to come to his home.

      When they arrived, they were ushered up to his bedroom. As they entered the room, the preacher held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on each side of the bed.

      The preacher grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled, and stared at the ceiling. For a time, no one said anything.

      Both the banker and lawyer were touched and flattered that the preacher would ask them to be with him during his final moments.

      They were also puzzled, the preacher had never given them any indication that he particularly liked either of them. They both remembered his many long, uncomfortable sermons about greed, covetousness, and avaricious behaviour that made them squirm in their seats.

      Finally, the banker said: "Preacher, why did you ask us to come?"

      The old preacher mustered up his strength and then weakly said: "Jesus died between two thieves, and that's how I want to go."

      Tags:
      • Priest
      • Strength
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    • There once was a lady who was tired of living alone. So she put an advert in the paper which outlined her requirements.

      She wanted a man who:
      1. would treat her nicely.
      2. Wouldn't run away from her.
      3. Would be good in bed.

      Then one day, she heard the doorbell ring and answered it. On the front porch was a man in a wheel chair who didn't have any arms or legs.

      The man says: "I'm here about the advert you put in the paper. As you can see, I have no arms so I can't beat you, and I have no legs so I can't run away from you."

      The lady says: "Yes, but are you good in bed?"

      The man asks: "How do you think I rang the doorbell?"

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    • Little Johnny's preschool class went on a field trip to the fire station. The firefighter giving the presentation held up a smoke detector and asked the class: "Does anyone know what this is?"

      Little Johnny's hand shot up and the firefighter called on him.

      Little Johnny replied: "That's how Mommy knows supper is ready!"

      Tags:
      • Fire
      • Fireman
      • Little Johnny
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    • Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.

      A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.

      A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said: "You're really doing great, aren't you?"

      Morris replied: "Just doing what you said, Doc. Get a hot mamma and be cheerful."

      The doctor said: "I didn't say that. I said, You've got a heart murmur - be careful."

      Tags:
      • Doctor
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    • 7 dwarves went to meet the pope. "Go on Dopey, ask" chanted the other 6. "Ok" said Dopey, "Sir, are there nuns in Alaska?"

      "Yes" said the pope.

      "Go on Dopey, ask him" urged the other 6 dwarves. "Ok" said Dopey, "Sir, are there black nuns in Alaska?".

      "Yes there are" said the pope.

      "Go on Dopey, ask him" said the others. Dopey blushed and asked "Sir, are there midget nuns in Alaska?"

      "No, I don't think so" said the pope.

      All 6 of the other dwarves leapt up shouting "Dopey shagged a penguin! Dopey shagged a penguin!"

      Tags:
      • Alaska
      00
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    • Mary's teacher asked "Stand up if you think you are an idiot ..." she sarcastically announced. Mary stoop up, smoothing her dress.

      "Do you consider yourself an idiot, Mary?" The teacher said with a smirk.
      "No, of course not. I just didn't want you to be the only person standing."

      Tags:
      • Sarcastic
      00
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    • Having passed the enlistment physical, Jon was asked by the doctor, "Why do you want to join the Navy, son?"

      "My father said it'd be a good idea, Sir."

      "Oh? And what does your father do?"

      "He's in the Army, Sir."

      Tags:
      • Army
      • Navy
      • Doctor
      • Father
      00
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    • As the airliner pushed back from the gate, the flight attendant gave the passengers the usual information regarding seat belts etc. Finally, she said, "Now sit back and enjoy your trip while your captain, Judith Campbell and crew take you safely to your destination."

      Joe sitting in the 8th row thought to himself, "Did I hear her right - is the captain a woman? I think I better have scotch and soda."

      When the attendants came by with drink cart, he said, "Did I understand you right? Is the captain a woman?"

      "Yes," said the attendant, "In fact, this entire crew is female."

      "My God," said Joe, "I'd better have two scotch and sodas. I don't know what to think of all those women up there in the cockpit."

      "That's another thing," said the attendant, "We no longer call it the cockpit."

      Tags:
      • Women
      • Airplane
      00
      Permalink
    • "May I go swimming, Mommy?"

      "No, you may not. There are sharks out there!"

      "But Daddy's swimming."

      "He's got life insurance."

      Tags:
      • Shark
      • Father
      • Swimming
      • Insurance
      • Life insurance
      00
      Permalink
    • Two elderly couples were enjoying friendly conversation when one of the men asked the other, "Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?"

      "Outstanding," Fred replied. "They taught us all the latest psychological techniques - visualization, association - it made a huge difference for me."

      "That's great! What was the name of the clinic?"

      Fred went blank. He thought and thought, but couldn't remember. Then a smile broke across his face and he asked, "What do you call that red flower with the long stem and thorns?"

      "You mean a rose?"

      "Yes, that's it!" He turned to his wife. "Rose, what was the name of that clinic?"

      Tags:
      • Memory
      • Marriage
      • Old People
      00
      Permalink
    • A security guard starts working at the docks, and at the end of the day he sees a worker leaving, pushing a wheelbarrow full of straw.

      The security guard is suspicious that the man is stealing from the ships, but after searching through the straw, he can't find anything more than old straw for the man's garden. The next day the same thing happens and again he can't find any stolen goods in the wheelbarrow, just straw.

      Over the next 4 years this happens every single day, and the security guard never stops suspecting the man of stealing, until one day the man leaves with no wheelbarrow.

      The security guard asks him why he has no wheelbarrow today and the man says it's because this is his last day, he's retiring. The security guard can't contain his curiosity and begs the man to tell him what he's been stealing all these years.

      The man replies: Wheelbarrows.

      Tags:
      • Security
      • Stealing
      • Office
      22
      Permalink
    • My psychiatrist told me I'm going crazy.

      I told him, "If you don't mind, I'd like a second opinion."

      He said, "All right. You're ugly too!"

      Tags:
      • Ugly
      • Psychiatry
      00
      Permalink
    • A young judge's clerk had responsibilities including bringing the judge a hot cup of coffee at the start of every day. Each morning the judge was enraged that the coffee cup arrived two-thirds full. The clerk explained that he had to rush to get the coffee delivered while it was still hot, which caused him to spill much of it along the way.
      None of the judge's yelling and insults produced a full cup of coffee, until he finally threatened to cut the clerk's pay by one-third if he continued to produce one-third less than the judge wanted. The next morning he was greeted with a cup of coffee that was full to the brim, and the next morning and the morning after that.
      The judge couldn't resist gloating over his success and smugly complimented the clerk on his new technique.

      "Oh, there's not much to it," admitted the clerk happily, "I take some coffee in my mouth right outside the coffee room, and spit it back in when I get outside your office."

      Tags:
      • Judge
      • Coffee
      00
      Permalink
    • A man was chosen for jury duty who really wanted to be dismissed from serving. He tried every excuse he could think of but none of them worked. On the day of the trial, he decided to give it one more shot. As the trial was about to begin, he asked if he could approach the bench.
      "Your Honor," he said, "I must be excused from this trial because I am prejudiced against the defendant. I took one look at the man in the blue suit with those beady eyes and that dishonest face and I said 'He's a crook! He's guilty!' So, your Honor, I cannot possibly stay on this jury!"
      With a tired annoyance the judge replied, "Get back in the jury box, you fool. That man is the defendant's lawyer."

      Tags:
      • Court
      • Lawyer
      • Jury Duty
      00
      Permalink
    • A recent college graduate took a new job in a hilly city and began commuting each day to work through a tiring array of tunnels, bridges and traffic jams.

      To make the task less onerous, he invited several of his co-workers to share the ride. He soon found, however, that the commute continued to get more stressful, especially the trips through the tunnels. He consulted the company doctor.

      "Doc," the frustrated commuter complained, "I'm fine on the bridges, in the traffic, in day and night, even when Joe forgets to bathe all week long... But when I get in the tunnels and I've got those four other guys crowded around me in the car, I get anxious and dizzy and feel like I'm going to explode."

      Without further analysis, the doctor announced he had identified the ailment.

      "What is it, Doc? Am I going insane?"

      "No, no, my boy. You have something very common in these parts."

      "Tell me! What is it?"

      "You have what is known as Carpool Tunnel Syndrome."

      Tags:
      • Driving
      00
      Permalink
    • A truck driver was heading down the highway when he saw a priest at the side of the road. Feeling it was his duty, he stopped to give the priest a ride.

      A short time later, he saw a lawyer with a briefcase on the side of the road and aimed his truck at him. At the last second, he thought of the priest with him and realized he couldn't run over the lawyer, so he swerved. But he heard a thump anyway.

      Looking back as he drove on, he didn't see anything.

      He began to apologize for his behavior to the priest. "I'm sorry, Father. I just barely missed hitting that lawyer at the side of the road."

      But the priest said, "Don't worry, son. I got him with my door."

      Tags:
      • Lawyer
      • Priest
      • Driving
      • Truck Driver
      00
      Permalink
    • Two lawyers are in a bank, when armed robbers suddenly burst in. While several of the robbers take the money from the tellers, others line up the customers, including the lawyers, against a wall. They proceed to take everyone's wallets, watches, jewelry - anything valuable they can find.

      While this is going on one lawyer number jams something into a second lawyer's hand. Without looking down, the second lawyer whispers, "What is this?"

      To which lawyer number one replies, "It's that $50 I owe you."

      Tags:
      • Bank
      • Lawyer
      • Burglary
      00
      Permalink
    • Police: Where do u live?

      Me: With my parents.

      Police: Where does ur parents live?

      Me: With me.

      Police: Where do u all live?

      Me: Together.

      Police: Where is ur house?

      Me: Next to my neighbors house.

      Police: Where is your neighbors house?

      Me: If I tell you u won't believe me.

      Police: Tell me

      Me: Next to my house...

      Tags:
      • Family
      • Police
      01
      Permalink
    • MOVIE RATINGS EXPLAINED:

      G: Nobody gets the girl.

      PG: The good guy gets the girl.

      R: The bad guy gets the girl.

      X: Everybody gets the girl!

      Tags:
      • Women
      01
      Permalink
    • Me using the Siri app on my iPhone:

      Me: "Siri, call my wife."

      Siri: "Samantha McLaughlin is not in your contacts."

      Me: "Samantha Gibbs is my wife."

      Siri: "I've added Samantha Gibbs as your wife."

      Me: "Call my wife."

      Siri: "Which wife?"

      Tags:
      • Wife
      • Idiot
      • Telephone
      • Technology
      01
      Permalink
    • Son: Dad, it's so cold in here!

      Father: Go stand in the corner.

      Son: Why?

      Father: The corner is 90 degrees.

      Tags:
      • Math
      01
      Permalink
    • There was an employment advertisement in an office.

      So a guy went there.

      Manager asked him: "Do you know what is the meaning of Ph.D.?"

      The guy answered: "Passed High school with Difficulties."

      Tags:
      • Work
      • Office
      • School
      • Student
      • Manager
      01
      Permalink
    • What do New Year's Parades have in common with Santa Claus?

      No one is awake to see either of them.

      Tags:
      • Santa
      • New Year
      01
      Permalink
    • A teller at our credit union was assisting a member with a loan application.

      "Do you have references?" she asked.

      The member replied, "Do they have to be living?"

      Tags:
      • Money
      01
      Permalink
    • Who was the smartest man in the Bible?

      Abraham. He knew a Lot.

      Tags:
      • Bible
      • Christian
      01
      Permalink
    • Patient goes to Doctor, doctor starts looking at him...

      - Good, good, good...

      - Doctor, what's good?

      - Good that I don't have what you have...

      Tags:
      • Doctor
      • Health
      01
      Permalink
    • Martin ended a letter to his dad with this question, 'Is Washington's picture still on the dollar bill?'

      His Father wrote back, 'Of course it is. Why do you ask?'

      Martin answered, 'Because it's been so long since I've seen one!'

      Tags:
      • Father
      • Money
      01
      Permalink
    • Two men are chatting;

      "My son asked me: 'Daddy, where do children come from?'"

      "It's not a big deal... Today kids are interested in that matter on the early years."

      "Yeah men, but the real issue here is that my son is... married... for five years!"

      Tags:
      • Father
      • Children
      • Marriage
      01
      Permalink
    • What's the difference between Elvis and a smart Liberal?

      Elvis has been sighted.

      Tags:
      • Music
      • Democrat
      • Politics
      01
      Permalink
    • A young girl with a bag is crossing the customs.

      Customs officers check her bag and find some kind of powder.

      They ask the girl: "What kind of powder is that?"

      "Heroin"

      "But heroin is matte-white, and this powder is orange."

      "This is a kids' heroine – orange taste."

      Tags:
      • Police
      • Children
      01
      Permalink
    • What's the difference between Ross Perot and Barack Obama?

      Ross Perot is crackpot with big ears and Barack Obama is a pothead with big ears.

      Tags:
      • Men
      01
      Permalink
    • What element is a girl's future best friend?

      Carbon.

      Tags:
      • Nerd
      • Women
      • Chemistry
      • Friend
      01
      Permalink
    • What animal could Noah not trust?

      Cheetah.

      Tags:
      • Animal
      • Christian
      01
      Permalink
    • What do you call cheese that's not yours?

      Nacho cheese!

      Tags:
      • Children
      01
      Permalink
    • What did the bartender say after a book walked into the bar?

      "Please, no stories!"

      Tags:
      • Alcohol
      01
      Permalink
    • Did you hear that Saddam Hussein won the toss ?

      He elected to receive.

      Tags:
      • Military
      01
      Permalink
    • Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeders, a State Policeman sees a car puttering along at 22 miles per hour.

      He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!"

      So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver...

      Tags:
      • Men
      01
      Permalink
    • A Liberal found a magic genie's lamp and rubbed it.

      The genie said, "I will grant you one wish."

      He said, "I wish I were smarter".

      So the genie made him a Republican.

      Tags:
      • Genie
      • Democrat
      • Politics
      • Idiot
      • Republican
      01
      Permalink
    • Why did the silly kid try to feed pennies to the cat?

      Because his mother told him to put money in the kitty.

      Tags:
      • Cat
      • Money
      • Children
      01
      Permalink
    • What do parsley and pubic hair have in common?

      You push them both aside when you eat.

      Tags:
      • Disgusting
      01
      Permalink
    • 'Why don't oysters give to charity?

      Because they're shellfish.'

      Jay Leno

      Tags:
      • Money
      01
      Permalink
    • A blonde goes to the hospital to give blood and is asked what type she is.

      She tells them she's an outgoing cat-lover.

      Tags:
      • Blonde
      01
      Permalink
    • What's the difference between Aeroflot and the Scud Missile ?

      Aeroflot has killed more people.

      Tags:
      • Military
      01
      Permalink
    • Yo Momma's a bowling ball.

      She is round and heavy, men stick three fingers into her and push her in the gutter.

      Then she comes rolling back for more.

      Tags:
      • Sport
      • Insulting
      01
      Permalink
    • The bartender looks a little worried, but asks him what would he like.

      "A cup of boiled water please"

      "Water? I thought you guys drank blood"

      "Today I was in the mood for tea", says the vampire while taking out a tampon.

      Tags:
      • Bar
      • Disgusting
      01
      Permalink
    • Uncle gives little Johnny a £5 note for his birthday.

      'Spend it carefully,' says Uncle.

      'Remember – a fool and his money are soon parted.'

      Little Johnny replies, 'Well you certainly handed it over fast enough.'

      Tags:
      • Money
      01
      Permalink
    • A couple celebrating their 50th anniversary had many well wishers stop by to congratulate them.

      After all of their guest had left, the two settled into recliners.

      "Mother," the man said, "our marriage is tried and true."

      "What's that you say?" she asked. "You know I can't hear without my hearing aid."

      "I said, our marriage is tried and true," he repeated, a little louder.

      Tags:
      • Old People
      01
      Permalink
    • What do you call a fight between you and your dad?

      Dady issues!

      Tags:
      • Father
      • Animal
      01
      Permalink
    • A guy walks into a bar and orders a drink.

      After a few more he needs to go to the can.

      He doesn't want anyone to steal his drink so he puts a sign on it saying,

      "I spat in this beer, do not drink!".

      After a few minutes he returns and there is another sign next to his beer saying, "So did I!"

      Tags:
      • Bar
      • Beer
      • Alcohol
      01
      Permalink
    • How does a blonde interpret 6.9?

      A 69 interrupted by a period.

      Tags:
      • Blonde
      01
      Permalink
    • A dying man smells his favorite oatmeal raisin cookies cooking downstairs.

      It takes all the strength he has left but he gets up from the bed and crawls down the stairs.

      He sees the cookies cooling on the counter and staggers over to them.

      As he reaches for one, his wife's wrinkled hand reaches out, smacks his and she yells: "No, you can't have those!

      They're for the funeral!"

      Tags:
      • Funeral
      01
      Permalink
    • Professor: I forgot to take my umbrella this morning.

      Wife: When did you first miss it, dear?

      Professor: When I reached up to close it after the rain had stopped.

      Tags:
      • Professor
      01
      Permalink
    • My granddaughter came to spend a few weeks with me, and I decided to teach her to sew.

      After I had gone through a lengthy explanation of how to thread the machine, she stepped back, put her hands on her hips, and said in disbelief, "You mean you can do all that, but you can't operate my Game Boy?"

      Tags:
      • Children
      • Old People
      01
      Permalink
    • 'Mum,' yelled Johnny from the kitchen, 'you know that dish you were always worried that I would break?'

      'Yes dear, what about it?'

      'Well your worries are over.'

      Tags:
      • Children
      01
      Permalink
    • "Information?

      I need the number of the Caseway Insurance Company."

      "Would you spell that, please?"

      "Certainly.

      C as in sea.

      A as in aye.

      S as in sea.

      E as in eye.

      W as in why.

      A as in are.

      Y as in you."

      The operator pauses.

      "Just a minute, sir.

      I'll connect you with my supervisor .

      .

      ."

      Tags:
      • Business
      01
      Permalink
    • How do you recognize a blonde at a car wash?

      She's the one on her bike.

      Tags:
      • Blonde
      • Bicycle
      01
      Permalink
    • How do you recognize a blonde in school?

      They are the only ones who erase their notebook when the teacher erases the board.

      Tags:
      • Blonde
      01
      Permalink
    • Why did the blonde write "TGIF" on her shoes?

      To remind her that "toes go in first."

      Tags:
      • Blonde
      01
      Permalink
    • Two owls were playing pool.

      One said, "Two hits."

      The other replied, "Two hits to who?"

      Tags:
      • Bird
      01
      Permalink
    • Romeo: Your cheeks are like petals.

      Juliet: Really?

      Romeo: Yes, bicycle pedals.

      Tags:
      • Bicycle
      01
      Permalink
    • A confused caller was having troubles printing documents.

      He told the technician that the computer had said that it "could not find the printer."

      The user had even tried turning the computer screen to face the printer but his computer still could not 'see' the printer.

      Tags:
      • Computer
      01
      Permalink
    • What does a proud computer call his little son?

      A microchip off the old block.

      Tags:
      • Computer
      01
      Permalink
    • .....

      Ya see, we at Microsoft believe in making computing easier!

      What could be easier for consumers than having only ONE choice of software?!

      ?

      Tags:
      • Computer
      01
      Permalink
    • two mates at a pub having a beer when the bald one starts complaining about being bald.

      the other guy says to have a transplant operation.the bald guy says he can't afford it.so his mate says to go and have some rabbits tattooed on his head.

      The bald guy says how will that help?

      His mate says well from a distance they will look like hares.

      (hairs)

      Tags:
      • Bar
      01
      Permalink
    • How did the dinosaur feel after he ate a pillow?

      Down in the mouth!

      Tags:
      • Dinosaur
      01
      Permalink
    • So, my boss recently fired me and he sent me an email that read "I did not want to fire you, but I had to. You were slacking on every project I assigned to you and you get too easily distracted. Please stop by and pick up your things, OK? I expect to see that your office is empty by Saturday."

      I then realized how much OK resembled a stick-man.

      Tags:
      • Fired
      01
      Permalink
    • Nighttime. You're alone on a small boat at sea, hours away from any land. All you brought with you is a pack of cigarettes. You wanna smoke, but realize you forgot a lighter. What do you do?

      You just take out a cigarette, throw it off the boat into the water... thus, making the boat a cigarette lighter.

      Tags:
      • Cigarette
      01
      Permalink
    • A man was overly excited to fly for the first time...

      As he sat in his seat, he could contain his excitement no longer and began saying "Boeing! Boeing! Boeing!" over and over again. Irritated, a stewardess comes over to him and says "Be silent!" The man nods, and continues "Oeing, Oeing, Oeing..."

      Tags:
      • Stewardess
      01
      Permalink
    • Sexism with the girlfriend

      I love to pamper my girlfriend after she's had a stressful day at work. I get her to text me when she's leaving so I can get the hot tap running, swirl around the foam and bubbles and time everything perfectly so that, the moment she walks through the door, the dishes are piled up and waiting for her.

      Tags:
      • Girlfriend
      01
      Permalink
    • A guy goes to see his doctor...

      He says to his doctor: "Doctor, I can't get that song "She's a Lady" out of my head... I keep singing it over and over, but it just won't go away...." Doctor: "Hmmm.... sounds like a case of Tom Jones Syndrome." Man: "Oh no.... Is it serious?" Doctor: "Well, it's not unusual."

      Tags:
      • Doctor
      • Tom Jones
      01
      Permalink
    • A Doctor and engineer

      A doctor and an engineer loved the same girl. Doctor used to give her a rose daily and engineer used to give the girl an apple. Girl got confused and asked engineer : There is a meaning of giving rose in Love, Why are you giving apple ? Engineer answered : Because "An apple a day keeps the doctor away".

      Tags:
      • Engineer
      01
      Permalink
    • Canine Names

      A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?" "Isn't it obvious?" the second blonde responded. "They're watch dogs!"

      Tags:
      • Blonde
      01
      Permalink
    • A horse walks into a bar the bar tender says, "Hey you can't be in here. You are a horse."

      So the horse leaves.

      Tags:
      • Bar
      • Horse
      01
      Permalink
    • A priest, a rabbi, and a six foot rooster walk into a bar.

      They have a drink, and then they go home to their families.

      Tags:
      • Bar
      • Rabbi
      01
      Permalink
    • Chuck Norris once tried to defeat Garry Kasparov in a game of chess. When Norris lost, he won in life by roundhouse kicking Kasparov in the side of the face.

      Tags:
      • Chess
      • Roundhouse
      • Chuck Norris
      • Garry Kasparov
      01
      Permalink
    • A man sees a fat man sitting in a train cabin. Taunting, he asks: "Is this cabin for elephants only?"

      The fat man humbly replies: "No! Even monkeys like you can sit!"

      Tags:
      • Fat
      • Elephant
      01
      Permalink
    • A guy brings his dog into the vet and says, "Could you please cut my dog's tail off?"

      The vet examines the tail and says, "There is nothing wrong. Why would you want this done?"

      The man replies, "My mother in Law is coming to visit, and I don't want anything in the house to make her think that she is welcome!"

      Tags:
      • Mother In Law
      01
      Permalink
    • A chemist walks into a restaurant and asks for Dihydrogen Monoxide. The waiter asks what that is. The chemist informs him that the molecular formula of this chemical is H2O. So the perplexed waiter says, "it's basically water," to which the chemist responds, "neutrally!"

      Tags:
      • Hydrogen
      • Restaurant
      01
      Permalink
    • You know that somebody actually complimented me on my driving today, was too uber stoked! They even left a little note on my windscreen. It said, "Parking Fine." Was nice of them hey?

      Tags:
      • Body
      01
      Permalink
    • I went to a couple of car dealerships last week. At first I stopped at was Kia. Well nothing caught my eye, but the price was right.

      Then I went to a Ford dealer. I didn't really find anything I liked, but every car had a pair of shoes in the trunk.

      At last I went to the Chevy dealer. Well I see one that I like. The dealer does the once over with me, then he pops the trunk. Disappointed, I looked at the dealer and said: "Well, theres something missing."

      The dealer puzzled asks: "What?"

      I said: "At the Ford dealership I checked out, they had a new pair of shoes in the trunk of every car!"

      Smiling the dealer says: "That's so they can walk home!"

      Tags:
      • Car
      • Ford
      • Shoe
      01
      Permalink
    • What is the difference between a mathematician and a philosopher?

      The mathematician only needs paper, pencil, and a trash bin for his work.

      The philosopher can do without the trash bin.

      Tags:
      • Math
      02
      Permalink
    • My boss is in the process of filling an open manager position.

      I asked him to please hire a man because women are crazy.

      He agreed with me.

      I got upset that he agreed.

      I'm pretty sure I unintentionally proved my point.

      Tags:
      • Work
      • Women
      • Manager
      02
      Permalink
    • So... a German is getting ready to enter in a plane to Poland.

      "Occupation?" asks the officer.

      "Occupation? No! I'm here to visit!"

      Tags:
      • Germany
      • Poland
      02
      Permalink